Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - Quagmire's Dad - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
Good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's our family guy

Dad, can you help me
with my French homework?

Yeah, sure, why not?



What's the word for fish?

Good. Dog?

- Seal?
- Phoque.

Watch your language.

No, that's how you say "seal" in French,
"phoque."

He's right, Lois. Look.

And here, I'll help you remember.
What's this?

A lazy phoque.
- Good.

Dumb phoque.
- Good.

Sick phoque.
- Good.

Sick, twisted phoque.
- Good.

Cluster phoque.

Ugly phoque and bitch.

Good job, I think you're ready.



Remember, you can use that word
as much as you want...

even home in front of your parents...

because it's French,
and French is classy.

Okay, I'm off.

Well, we knew this day would come.
Good luck, wherever you wind up.

Take care, buddy. Call if you want.
If not, take care of yourself.

I'm just going away for a few days.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah, there's a seminar on creating...
Really? It would be that easy for you?

- What?
- You thought I was leaving forever...

and you said, "Good luck"?

Take it easy, you're not leaving forever,
you're leaving for a few days.

- What do you want, a parade?
- Never mind.

Brian, face it, you're a dog.
The fact that your last name is Griffin...

is a pleasantry extended
from our family, not by any legality.

Someday, when you're ready, you're
gonna walk off into the woods and die.

And we're prepared for that.

So there's this seminar in New Haven
on creating your own Internet series.

- Sounds like it could be up my alley.
- Is this one of those classes...

where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?

Feel good about that?
Feel good about what you just said?

You gonna go, Brian,
or should I get the can of pennies?

See you, Stewie.

Brian, please, can I go with you?
It's so boring here.

For the last time, you can't come.

Well, fine, then, go.
I don't need you to have fun.

I know how to have a good time.

Whoopi, can you believe this girl?

Elizabeth, what you conservatives
have to understand...

Stewie, it's time for dinner.
- Ma, I'm recording!

Come on upstairs, honey.
I made your favorite, mac and cheese.

Ma, I have to do this now!

Guys, I got some great news.
My dad's coming to visit.

- Oh-ho!
- Hide the women.

We're finally gonna get to meet
the man of a thousand vaginas.

Think I've been with a lot of broads?

My dad's eaten more pie
than Kirstie Alley.

Ha-ha-ha. What?

The Navy is honoring him at this year's
Naval ball for all his bravery in Vietnam.

Wow, you must be proud.

Sure am. He was like a hero to me
when I was growing up.

You know who was my hero? Aquaman,
and his secret alter ego, Arthur Curry.

- Wow, you saved our lives, Aquaman.
- Just doing my job.

Arthur Curry. Did you see Aquaman?
He was just here.

- Oh, darn, I must have missed him.
- We forgot to tell him thanks.

Oh, I have a feeling he already knows.

Hey, guys. Come on in.
Dad, they're here.

At ease, ladies. Hey, Glenn, you're not
gonna give your dad an entrance?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
Guys, watch this.

Are you ready, boots?

Start walkin'

Ha! That's my dad. No one dances like
Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire.

- Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
- Joe and Peter.

- Which one are you?
- Peter.

Look at you.
You're a chowhound, aren't you?

Don't wanna get behind you
in the mess hall.

No, sir. No, you don't.

I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.

I'll take it. And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.

Tell them about the time you had to eject
from your plane behind enemy lines.

And I will, but first, it's been a long trip.
This sailor needs a cosmo.

- A cosmo?
- It's gotta be 5 somewhere, right?

- Fine. I'll make you one, you tell a story.
- He can be such a nudge.

So anywho, I remember that day
like it was yesterday.

I'd gotten a haircut that day...

the first one I got over there
that looked like anything.

So we get these orders, and it's the day
of all days I have to put on a helmet.

The sky was a majestic orange...

the breeze warm enough
that you could wear short sleeves...

but not so warm
that you break any kind of a sweat.

- Big gay phoque.
- Big gay phoque. Yeah.

Brian, it's so boring here.
When are you coming back?

I'll be back soon.
I gotta tell you, this seminar is great.

I'm learning a lot. I'll
tell you about it when I get home.

- Talk to you later.
- Wait, wait, hang on.

There was, um, something else
I wanted to tell you.

What?
- Um...

The mail came a little later
than usual today.

Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
- Wait, hang on, hang on.

Did I tell you about that over there?

I can't physically see what you're
pointing at. I'm getting off now. Bye.

Well, your loss, Brian. That thing
over there is pretty interesting.

Ah? An alien in a grass skirt
juggling torches. Yeah.

All right, you're all done. Go.

Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.

- Oh, get a job.
- Peter, what are you doing home?

I thought you'd be out on the town
with Quagmire and his dad.

Lois, you're not gonna believe this.
Quagmire's dad's gay.

What? Quagmire never said
anything about that.

I don't think he knows.
It's like he doesn't notice.

Then how do you know he's gay?

A lot of little things.
The way he talks, his mannerisms...

and he had the DVD set of Sex and
the City between his butt cheeks.

Peter, no, he didn't.

He had the DVD set, I was just being
colorful with the rest of it.

Maybe you should talk to Glenn about it.
I mean, especially if he has no idea.

I guess I could,
but I don't know if it'll do any good.

He's in complete denial,
like people in massive debt.

Well, honey, I've extended our line
of credit and exhausted all our savings.

We should be good for another month.

Oh. That's great, honey.
What are we gonna do next month?

I'll tell you what we're not gonna do...

shoot our children
and then kill ourselves.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

I don't think you'll have
any control over it.

Hey, Peter, how you doing?

Hey, Quagmire. Um, is your dad around?

He's at his stitch-and-bitch club.
I'm glad you stopped by.

My dad wanted me to tell you
he would be thrilled...

if you and Lois would join us
at the Naval ball.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Um...

Hey, remember when we met him
the other day and he danced for a while?

- Oh, yeah, that was so funny, man.
- No, it wasn't funny.

- He's hilarious, that guy.
- It wasn't funny, it was gay.

- What?
- Yeah, I think that your father's gay.

Gay? Ha, ha. We should all be so gay.

Quagmire, don't you see it?

See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing.

- You're jealous.
- Huh?

Your father's a drunk
and mine's a hero.

You'll see. At the Navy ball,
you'll see how much of a man he is...

and how everyone in the military
respects him.

Look at this, Dad. All these people
came out just to honor you.

- It feels good, son, I won't lie to you.
- Dan Quagmire.

Wally. Good to see you.
This my son Glenn.

Nice to meet you, Glenn.
You should be very proud of your dad.

- I am, sir.
- It was an honor to serve with him.

Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.

It's great to see you back in your
element tonight, surrounded by seamen.

Ha, ha. "Semen." See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.

Shut up, Peter.

- Hey, you Dan's boy?
- That's right.

Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.

He flew supplies in
where others wouldn't dare to go.

I can't tell you how many loads
your dad took when I served with him.

Huh?

I wouldn't miss this night for the world.
Everyone here admires your dad.

He'd walk into an Army barracks and
make every private there feel important.

Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.

- Oh, God.
- Your dad was cock of the walk.

At rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.

Your dad drank me under the table.

One man you wanted in your hole
was your dad.

Your dad had the best penis
in the military.

Okay, stop! Stop! Everybody stop!

Dad...

are you gay?

- What?
- Are you gay, Dad?

No, Glenn, I'm not gay.

- Just tell me the truth.
- I am telling you the truth.

Calm down, you're ruining this ball.

- You know how much I love balls.
- Come on, that's not helping.

Son, you have my word, I am not gay.

You promise?

I promise.

All right, I believe you.

But I am a woman
trapped in a man's body...

and while I'm in Quahog,
I plan to have a sex-change operation.

Oh, come on, just be gay.

Hey, guys. You got a minute?

- Hey, what's up, buddy?
- It's, um...

It's about my dad.

He wants to have
a sex-change operation.

Whoa. I knew he was gay,
I didn't think he was that gay.

No, Peter, he's not gay.
He's a woman stuck in a man's body.

- Yeah, gay.
- It's totally different.

- Sounds the same.
- Well, it's not.

Okay, so he wants to be a woman
so he can be a lesbian?

No, he'd date men.

- Gay.
- Gay. Yeah, gay.

This is not the help
I came over here for.

Well, look, let's just all agree
that he's odd, huh?

He has an appointment Friday
to have the procedure...

and he wants me to go with him.
I don't know if I can handle that.

I'm sure your friend Peter would be
happy to come along for moral support.

All right, here's the deal:

Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.

- That's very green of you, Peter.
- What?

- I don't know.
- That doesn't make any sense.

It's something I heard on TV.
I don't know. Have fun at the circus.

Wonder how long it's gonna take.

I don't know.
You know what we should do?

We should put on some '80s music,
and then every few minutes...

have him come out of there
as a different sex, and we'll go:

And then like the fifth or sixth sex,
we'll go like this:

This is not a joke, okay?
They're cutting off his penis in there.

- All right.
- This is my dad we're talking about.

Okay, okay.

What are you gonna name it, huh?
What are you gonna name...

your he-she father-mother?
- Knock it off!

Wow, that thing was on there.

- How is he, doc? Is he all right?
- No, I'm afraid not.

- Ah!
- But she's gonna be just fine.

Oh, my God.

What do you think, boys?

I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh

Okay, kids,
Mr. Quagmire and his dad...

His moth... His friend
are coming over soon for dinner.

So remember, Chris, no staring.

And, Meg, you know how it is
to be different, so be very nice.

Well, hi, you guys.
I'm so glad you could come over.

- Everyone, I'd like you to meet Ida.
- Hello, everyone.

- Hello, Ida.
- What's up?

- I made a crumble.
- Oh, how thoughtful.

Throw it away in the outside garbage.

You know what? Elephant in the room.
I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your penis?

- Peter!
- Thank you for asking it.

- Jesus.
- No, it's a perfectly normal question.

We can't sit here
and pretend everything's the same.

It is a big transition for me, yes.
But the answer is, I still have my penis.

They just turned it inside out
to simulate a vagina.

- Come on, Dad.
- Not a bad option to have in the pocket.

So, Lois, what is this meal?
Wow, it's so good.

Thank you, Glenn. It's nothing fancy.
Just chicken with rosemary.

But I did put a lot of planning
into the meal.

We went down the list. Nothing with
wieners, nuts or grapes. Out of respect.

Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.

- Where do you buy your clothes?
- Oh, how sweet.

- Well, I love Anne Klein.
- I'll have to try them.

- I like the outfit you have on.
- Thank you. Who did your procedure?

Wow, you just burned your last friend
in this room, lady.

This corn is special.

Tell me about those knockers. Are we...?
Is that just, like, implants?

Or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?

All right, I'm out of here.

I wonder if I could push mine inside.

Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone.
I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

Well, that was quite a performance.

My performance? What about you?
"Golly, Lois, where do you shop?

Gee, your house looks beautiful.
I have an inside-out penis."

I never said their house looks beautiful.
It didn't.

My dad... My dad talking about
decorating and women's clothing?

All I've talked about for years with these
people is what a war hero you were.

And I was.
I'm changing my future, not my past.

Oh, yeah? What about my future, huh?

I don't even know what to call you.
My dad? My other mother?

My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?

- What about Ida?
- Oh. No. Man, you know, this is too hard.

You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.

I just... I don't know if I can do this.

I understand. I had the advantage
of thinking about this for years.

For me, it was easy.

Do I wanna be happy the rest of my life
or miserable?

So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.

I see. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Oh, boy, nice to be back home.
Those seminars can wear you out.

Wow, did you say,
"Web-based Internet series"?

- No.
- Oh, my bad.

Great idea for one...

Where am I taking you again?

You know what? Drop me off
at the Marriott. I could use a drink.

Jack on the rocks, please.

Hey, here's to exciting
new opportunities on the Internet.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.
- Oh, no, it's not you.

I'm just dealing with a lot right now.
You know, kids.

Ah. Does not come with a manual.

So you're doing something
with the Internet?

I am, I am. Being a writer,
I'm always exploring new possibilities.

Wow, I could never be a writer.
How do you do it?

You see, when I watch the world go by,
I think of it kind of like a huge screen.

Every little interaction,
every little moment...

is another scene captured
by this camera.

- That's fascinating.
- Oh, yeah.

- Brian.
- Ida.

Two more, please.

So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here
to be at the seminar, not run it."

Oh, that's... Oh. Mm.

You know, we are in a hotel.

And I'm in Room 406.

Go on ahead, I'll settle up.

Put it on 406.

Well, look who's home.

- Hey, buddy.
- How was the seminar?

It was terrific.
The first day we were there...

Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after "good" or "bad."

Fine. You guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.

I am in too good a mood.
I met an amazing woman.

- Finally, the whole package.
- Oh, you met her at the seminar?

No. It was right here in town, last night.
She's a classy, smart, beautiful lady.

Look, I took a picture of her.

See?

Uh...

Wha...? Is...? Is...?

Um... Uh...

Here, Lois, take a look.

- Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha.
- This is the best day of my life!

You know, you're just jealous
because I found a real woman.

- Oh, hey, Brian.
- Hey.

I called in and a new cell phone should
be here for you in three business days.

- What? Why?
- Clearly, yours is broken...

because I haven't heard from you.
I wanted to tell you about my week.

Doesn't anyone in this house care
about anyone but themselves?

- Hey, Brian, how was the seminar?
- Meg, please.

I'm serious, Stewie. I've had an amazing
few days, and nobody cares.

Oh, come on in. Come on in.
Tell old Stew.

Okay, well, first, the seminar
was terrific. I absorbed so much.

And then I get back here last night,
and I meet an incredible woman.

I've heard the phrase "soul mate"
for years...

and I never got it till last night.

Well, I've got a woman story for you
that you're not gonna believe.

Quagmire's father, decorated war hero
Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire...

is now a woman.

- You're kidding.
- No. Total sex change.

- Ha, ha. That is hysterical.
- I know, huh?

- Suck on that, Quagmire. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

Yeah. It's not settling with the Q-man
all too well.

Oh, my God, what does it look like?

You know, not half bad.
Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad.

Oh, my God.
You know, that is a tough road ahead.

What do those people do as far as
relationships and sex and stuff?

I don't know.
It's gotta be a train wreck down there.

- Just an absolute casserole of nonsense.
- Is she over there right now?

- We should go take a look.
- No. She's staying at the Marriott.

- Damn, I was just there.
- Really?

Maybe I saw him in the lobby
and didn't even know.

Oh, no, you'd know.

Oh, man, what do we call him now?
We still call him Dan?

No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.

- What is it, like, Danielle or Dana?
- No, Ida.

What? What the hell?
What's wrong with you?

- I had sex with her!
- What?

- I had sex with her at the Marriott!
- Aah! Why?!

- I didn't know. I didn't know it was her!
- Oh, my God!

How does this happen?!

When they move to a new place, they're
supposed to notify the neighborhood!

He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!

I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?

Listen, I feel awful
about the things I said last night.

- I was selfish.
- You weren't selfish.

I realize I put a lot on you.

I was wrong to assume that you would
understand and be able to accept this.

But trust me, I had been unhappy
for a long, long time.

Wow.

Well, all I want is for you to be happy.

You're my dad, and if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.

I'm sorry, Dad. I love you.

I love you too, Glenn.

- Glenn?
- Sorry, sorry.

Damn thing can't tell the difference.

Oh, dear. Okay, well, so now
that we got all the mush out of the way...

I have some news.

Tell me. Tell me.

- I met someone.
- What? You did?

Oh, my God, Glenn, he's amazing.
I couldn't be happier.

Really? What's his name?

No!

Where is he?! Where is that
self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?!

Get out of there, you dirty little bastard!
You're dead!

If I ever see you anywhere near
my house, I'll blow your head off!

Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!

Hey.

I fucked your dad.