Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - Brian & Stewie - full transcript
Brian and Stewie get locked in a bank vault where they are forced to deal with each other on a whole new level.
Good evening, America.
Tonight we present
a full hour
of Family Guy,
beginning with a very
special extended episode,
followed by some
never-before-seen musical clips.
That's right.
So, without further ado,
here's a little episode
entitled "Stewie and Brian."
Well, actually, it's
called "Brian and Stewie."
Really? Shouldn't it be
person before animal,
like Turner and Hooch?
I don't think that movie
is a good example.
Of anything.
Besides, it's
alphabetical.
You asked to have
your name first, didn't you?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's "Brian and Stewie."
Pathetic.
Hurry up.
We still have to swing by
Wyndham's before they close.
Relax. I'm almost done.
And why do you have
a safety deposit box anyway?
What's in there
that you can't bury in the yard?
I have things.
You have a dead bird in there?
What are you gonna do with that?
I was gonna take it home,
show it to Lois,
make her proud of me.
Hey, I'm starving.
You want to grab a late lunch?
Can't.
I'm Jenny Craig-ing.
Already paid for the meals.
And if I want to return
this sweater, we've got to get
to Wyndham's by half 6:00.
Half 6:00?
Yes. You have to return it
within a fortnight for a refund.
I love it, but I feel like
it was too much.
Cute, right?
It's Thom Browne.
It was over $3,000.
You spent $3,000 on a sweater?!
What's it to you?
That's the most idiotic thing
I've ever heard.
You're a moron.
A pretentious moron.
Drop dead.
I was returning it anyway.
Where'd you even get
that kind of money?
None of your damn business,
that's where.
You know, today started
as a really nice outing,
but as usual,
you had to ruin it.
I had to ruin it?
Yeah, you.
You know,
I-I was actually hoping
that you'd talk me
out of returning this sweater.
So, you're right;
I guess I am a moron.
You know, it's the one time
I ever splurged on myself,
and you have to go
and make me feel foolish.
Look, I didn't...
Save it, okay?
I'll be waiting outside
under the porte cochere.
It's my own fault for thinking
I could have pretty things.
I'm not having fun anymore.
I feel you should know that.
(door clanks)
What was that?
(grunting)
I don't believe this.
Hello?! Hello?!
We're locked in!
(sniffs)
Did you... did you
just crap your diaper?
I got scared when
the door closed.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Family Guy 8x17
Brian and Stewie
Original Air Date on May 2, 2010
(knocking)
Hey!
Hello! Hello!
Somebody!
We're trapped in here!
You're wasting
your breath.
These bank vault doors
close automatically
at the end of
the workday.
This thing won't be open
again till tomorrow.
Well, there's got to be
some way out of here. Think!
I don't know. You
think of something.
Well, I have no idea!
So, you invented a time machine,
but you can't get us
out of a safe?
Yeah, that's science.
I'm not Houdini.
Can't believe this.
We're locked in here
until tomorrow and the
only thing I've eaten today
was a grape Chris
dropped at breakfast.
It took me
half an hour
just to get the damn
thing off the floor.
I'm uncomfortable.
You have to change me.
I'm not changing you.
We don't even
have any diapers.
Oh, my God, that smell
is making me sick.
(groans)
Oh, thank you for making me
more self-conscious.
I'm not gonna
be able to stay like this
until tomorrow,
you know.
Well, I don't know what you
expect me to do about it.
You don't?
No, I don't.
Stop looking
at me like that.
Look, I'm ing
to propose something,
and I need you to hear me out.
Will you promise me
you'll do that?
I guess.
You guess or you will?
Yes, I'll hear you out.
Okay, well, I can't be
in a soiled diaper
until tomorrow, Brian;
we both know that.
I'll get a rash,
which could lead
to an infection
if left like this.
All-all right, fine,
I'll take the diaper off.
That doesn't really solve
our problem, now, does it?
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't though, really.
See, you're, you're not...
(chuckles)
you're not really
thinking this through.
W-We would still be faced
with the problem of the odor,
you see.
And-and, of course, you know,
then what am I gonna do
with no diaper?
I'm-I'm not gonna
walk around here
with-with my Tic Tac
hanging out.
I-I need a clean diaper.
I told you, we don't
have any clean diapers.
Well, well, no, I mean,
not right now we don't, no.
But if-if the poo
were to be removed...
I'm not following you.
If the poo were to be removed...
W-What does that...?
What are you driving at?
Eat it.
What?
Eat it, Brian.
You're out of
your (bleep) mind.
Now, you promised
you'd hear me out.
Besides, is it really
that big a deal?
You just said yourself
that you're starving.
And, you know, I've seen you
eat poop before, Brian.
Yeah, mine!
Is that really
a huge distinction?
It is to me!
I can't even...
How would... You...
That's sick!
That is sick!
How messed up in the head are
you that y-you would even ask?
Look, okay, okay,
just calm down, okay?
(groans)
We're not, we're not...
we're just talking.
We're not doing
anything yet.
All right,
we're just talking.
Nobody's doing anything
at this point.
Dogs sometimes eat feces.
It's not a judgment;
it's just a fact.
So what I would need you to do
is eat what's in my diaper,
lick the diaper clean,
possibly lick my fanny
and then put the diaper
back on me.
Probably lick my fanny.
Yeah, you should start wrapping
your brain around that, too.
There is no way any
of that is happening.
Well, I don't see
a way around it, do you?
I would shoot
myself first.
Well, how you gonna
shoot yourself?
There's no gun in here.
There's a gun in your safety
deposit box, isn't there?
(both grunting)
(gun cocks)
Stewie, come on. You don't know
how to use that thing.
Oh, really? What if I hold it
sideways like a black guy?
Whoa, whoa, come on, man.
Take it easy, all right?
I-I don't want any trouble.
There's not gonna be any trouble
as long as you eat my poo.
That's not happening.
Well, then I'll be
forced to shoot you.
Go ahead. There aren't
any bullets in that gun.
I don't believe you.
Then shoot me.
I will. I will!
Do it. Then do it!
What are you waiting for? Go on!
I will! I'll blow
your (bleep) head off!
Wait a minute. Don't you have
your cell phone with you?
(gasps)
You're right!
Oh, no, low battery.
I have to make
this call count.
Hurry up.
It's ringing.
Oh, thank God.
Come on, come on.
Yes, hi. Can you connect me
to men's designer wear, please?
Thank you.
What are you doing?!
This will just
take a second.
Give me that!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin.
Uh, who am I talking to?
Hi, Matthew.
I think you're the salesman
who helped me
pick out a Thom Browne sweater
two weeks ago.
Yes, I was going to see
The Bounty Hunter
that night.
Well, I enjoyed it
very much. Thank you.
Good memory, my word.
Anyway, it doesn't
fit properly and...
Give me the
damn phone!
Hey!
Stop it.
Um, and I don't think I'm gonna
make it to the store
before closing time today.
Is it possible to get
an extension on that refund?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
No exceptions, I see.
So you're telling me
if I was James Franco calling,
I would still not be able to get
an extension for one day?
Yes, Matthew, I will hold
for your manager.
(whispers):
I'm gonna wrap this up
so quickly.
Hey!
Sorry, he's gonna have
to call you back...
It's dead.
You wasted the one phone call
we had to return a sweater?!
A $3,000 sweater,
which I am now stuck with.
Oh, this day.
(grunts)
Ow.
You stink! And now
I'm trapped in here
with you and your stink
because you were too stupid
to call somebody
who could help us!
That really hurt.
Just get away from me!
I can't even look at you!
Well, I'm-I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
Don't!
(sniffles)
(sniffles)
(sighs)
All right, I'll do it.
What are you talking about?
(sighs)
I can't leave you like this.
But you have to swear
never to tell anybody.
(gasps)
You mean, you're gonna eat my...
Yeah, no, no, I won't
tell anybody. I swear!
Okay, how should
we do it?
I-I guess it's
dealer's choice, really.
I suppose
the easiest way would be
to use the diaper
as a-a bowl of sorts.
Do you know how
to take it off?
No, I've never done it myself.
Mum does it.
All right, well, we should
get your overalls off first.
I know how
to do the snaps.
There. I did it.
Okay, good. Now let's
get your feet out.
(giggles)
I can't believe
we're doing this.
Oh, really smells bad,
doesn't it?
Yeah. You sure you
can't stay like this?
I'm getting a rash, Brian.
I can feel it.
Okay, okay, I can do this.
All right, lay down.
It's so amazing to me
that you know how to do that.
It's-it's like watching
someone do algebra.
I just have no conception
of how it's done.
Oh, God!
(gagging, coughing)
Okay, you ready?
Okay.
(breathing deeply)
Ah, don't do it
right here!
I don't want to watch!
What?
Take it over there.
Do it in the corner.
It's gross!
It's your poop!
Yeah, but it's your...
activity, you know?
It's... it's your...
it's your thing...
(sighs)
(gasping)
(panting)
I can't finish!
You have to!
How would we explain it
half-eaten?
There's no going back
from this.
(gagging)
(groans)
(gasps)
It's done.
Got some dessert for you.
You've gotta
be kidding me.
Come on.
It's throw-up.
You like throw-up.
I do.
I do like throw-up.
All right, now let's get
this diaper back on you.
Mmm, there's just one part left.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing left.
Look, the diaper's completely
clean.
Yeah, yeah,
but my ass isn't.
You have to clean my ass.
Oh, God, Stewie,
there's got to be a line!
Brian, this is
the most important part.
You've seen Lois
with those sanitary wipes.
She gets all up in
my biznatch with those.
No, no way.
I could get really sick.
Look, there's hardly anything
on it.
This will take one second,
and then we can put this whole
unpleasantness behind us.
If you ever...
I'm not gonna breathe a word
to anybody ever.
Now go on. Get started.
All right, here goes.
Oh, and just do me a favor
and tell me
when you're about to begin
because I don't wanna be
surpri... ♪ Moon river! ♪
Oh, by God, there...
there it goes.
(sighs)
Brian, you rock.
Thank you so much
for doing this.
Oh, wait.
I-I can do this part.
So... yeah.
Thanks.
I feel a lot better now.
(sniffs)
Smell's gone.
Look, I hope this hasn't created
anweirdness between us.
I mean, it's not that strange
what happened.
What'd you eat?
Italian Wedding Soup.
Oh, actually, it wasn't bad.
I know, right?!
Jenny Craig, can you believe?
Only 220 calories.
Probably less for you.
You know, I think
I missed my nap today.
I'm sleepy.
Well, why don't
you lie down?
I think I will.
(sighs)
Brian?
What?
I just realized
something.
What?
Tomorrow's Sunday.
(bleep)
(Stewie snoring softly)
Guess this is as good
a time as any.
Ah....
Mmm, whatcha doin'?
Oh. Hey.
Just needed a little drink.
Was kind of saving it,
but, uh...
what the hell, right?
Saving it for what?
It's not important.
Want a sip?
You're offering me some?
It's liquor, isn't it?
Yeah, it's liquor.
Babies aren't supposed
to have liquor.
This would be
the most naughty thing ever.
Do you want
a sip or not?
(giggles)
Yeah, yeah!
But I don't want
to get too buzzed.
People take
advantage of kids
when they're buzzed.
It's so easy,
and I wouldn't
even remember.
So don't you
try anything.
Try what?
I already practically
French-kissed your butt.
Yeah, there was no practically
about that.
Mmm, smooth.
I like what comes out
of Lois' breasts better,
but I, I like this, too.
Ah...
Oh, startin' to...
startin' to feel that.
Oh. You know,
I-I like, I like hanging out
with you, Brian.
I feel like, I feel
like a big boy right now.
Yeah, this isn't
so bad, right?
It's like a
very private party.
Mmm, I feel like dancing.
Yeah, you know
how to move.
That is real...
You... Wow,
that is awesome.
I'm really impressed.
Oh, wait, I can hurdle
my own leg
like they used
to do in the '90s.
(slurring):
Okay, all right,
you know,
this is gonna sound
really weird.
This is gonna
sound really weird,
but I really want you
to do it, okay?
Wha... what?
First you have to say
that you'll do it
before I tell you,
no mat...
no matter what it is.
All right.
Really?!
Yeah.
Sure, w-what is it?
I want you to pierce my ear.
Let's do it.
You mean it?
Because I-I...
Look-look at my face.
I'm totally serious.
Are you totally serious?
I-I'm with ya.
I'm on the train!
You have...?
Do you have a needle?
Uh, uh, ooh, there's a pin
in the sweater.
Here.
Oh, my God!
This is happening!
This is really happening!
Oh, you know,
I think this is going
to look so good on me.
This, this...
You know what else?
Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove
with no knuckles.
Aren't we supposed to, like,
heat it or something?
I don't care. I really...
I don't give a...
I'm all worked up right now,
so we have to do it.
Just do it, okay?
Before... Wha-what are we
drinking anyway?
Glenfiddich.
♪ Love her! ♪
Oh, you know what?
I'll just sterilize it
in the scotch.
You just sterilize it
in the scotch.
Why didn't...?
It's, it's...
Bitch, sterilize
that bitch up, you know?
You know, I don't, I don't know
why I told Matthew
that I liked, that I liked
The Bounty Hunter
'cause I hated it.
I just, I wanted him to like me
in that moment.
And that's why I said it.
I don't... Why do I...
why do I do that?
Why do I...? Why am I such
a people pleaser, you know?
When, when is it
Stewie's turn, you know?
I, I, I'm...
I voted for McCain.
Okay, left ear.
Left, left ear.
Right now.
Stick it in.
me on, dude.
Can I just...
can I just say before...?
Can we just, like, take two...?
I-I love... You're so brave.
I just love how brave
you're being right now.
This is like the closest
I've ever felt to you.
Okay. Oh, my God,
I was thinking
the same thing.
We are so "us" right now.
Do you...
do you know that?
Okay, okay.
Okay, here we go.
(screams)
Oh, my God!
Oh! Are you okay?
Is it over?
I think.
I-I don't know
where the pin went.
Mov... Wait,
move your hand.
Oh, wow! Oh, (bleep)!
What? What?
What is it?
There's so much blood.
Ew...!
It's stuck in there.
I think the pin's
too thick
to go all
the way through.
Ew! Get it out!
(screams)
Got it.
How's it look?
Cool.
Really? Oh, that's good.
Oh, I knew it was...
I knew it would look...
it would look cool.
We don't... Wait.
Don't we have
to put an earring in it
so the hole won't close?
I don't think it's gonna close.
I can't believe...
I can't believe
I have pierced ears.
I'm one of those people
who I talk about.
Finally, no more clip-ons,
you know?
No... Hey, give me
some of that.
Don't hog that there.
Give me some of that.
It looks... it looks
really good, Stewie.
I wish we had
a mirror
'cause I-I-I actually did
a really good job.
Oh, yeah, it's awesome.
I'm not worried.
Mmm, cozy.
So, um, question.
Yeah?
This is gonna seem stupid,
but I've been dying
to know.
The Dog Whisperer.
Wha... what is that?
Is any, is any
of that true?
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I've offended you.
No, no, no, no,
not at all, Stewie, no.
No, it's, some,
some of that stuff,
some of that stuff
is right on.
Really? Wow.
Well, give me
a "for instance."
Well, the guy
talks about...
Cesar Millan.
Right, Cesar Millan
talks about living
in the moment
because that's how dogs live,
you know?
We live in the moment.
I so don't live in the moment.
I'm always, "Oh, remember
that petting zoo?"
Or "I can't wait
to go to Florida."
I'm never, I'm never,
like, really present.
You know, you-you gotta help me
work on that.
Oh, definitely.
Definitely, man.
Live with purpose, you know?
Celebrate every day.
He talks about all those things
that dogs do.
Like, we do that.
Dogs do that.
It's instinctual.
In us, you know?
It's like I can't not do it.
That's kind of
what his whole thing is.
Such beautiful lessons.
I hope he's not Mexican.
There's something off about him,
but I hope it's not that.
You know, people can learn
a lot from dogs, you know?
A lot.
Like, we're like,
like here's us...
We're, like,
"Yeah! Yeah!"
Like that. "Yeah! Yeah!"
Okay, sure, sure,
relax, relax.
It's just, well, you don't...
I mean, you don't really do
any of those things, do you?
Yeah, I do. Wait.
What are you talking about?
It's just, I don't know...
I mean, do you, you really live
with purpose?
How could you say that to me?
Just callin' it like I see it.
Listen, why, why don't...
why don't you...
You know what?
You can just go to hell!
Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't
mean to start anything.
Let's just forget it, okay?
We're... we're having
a good time.
I don't want to forget it.
How dare you tell me that
my life doesn't have purpose.
No, that's not what I said.
That's what you're saying.
No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't
try to turn my words on me.
And you know what,
take that sweater off.
It makes you look queer.
Okay, well, now you're
just bein' a dick.
Well, you might as well
get used to it.
You're gonna be hearing a lot
worse once you go to school.
Are you trying to hurt me?
Because you've succeeded.
Oh, just calling it
like I see it.
Oh, I see.
Is that what we're doing?
All right, well, I'll play
that game with you.
Oh, yeah? What are
you gonna do?
You think I care
about you?
I don't.
Yes, you do.
I know you do.
I don't really care.
No, you're just smart enough
and you're just clever enough
to occasionally amuse me.
If I had anybody else-- anybody
else to choose from-- I would.
You are the best
of a bad situation.
Nothing more.
I use you, man.
Yeah, I would know
if you were using me.
Oh, oh, you would?
I got you to eat my poop.
And you know why I did it?
Yeah, you were afraid
you were going to get sick.
Because I wanted to see
if I could.
What?
Come on, Brian, I spend half
the day in a dirty diaper.
I was bored.
Just passing the time.
I thought, "How low can I
get this douchebag to go?"
Oh, my God!
And when you did it,
I actually felt sorry for you.
There. Your turn.
You're a monster.
Hey, you started
this whole thing.
You son of a bitch,
I could kill you for that!
Oh, really?
Well, how convenient.
You got a gun right there.
Here you go, Brian.
You want to kill me?
Kill me with this.
Oh, but there are no bullets
in it, are there?
Yeah, there are. I lied.
Oh, you're so full of crap.
Besides, if you shot me,
it'd all be caught
on that security camera.
Security cam... Oh, my God,
maybe somebody can see us!
Hey, hey, somebody help!
We're in here!
No one's out there, Brian.
They would have come in.
Save your energy.
Oh, my God.
What?
It's all on tape.
What's all on tape?
(laughing)
Oh.
Oh, my God, oh, that
is gonna be on YouTube.
Oh, God.
Everybody that works
in an office
is gonna say to
their coworkers,
"Hey, type in
'dog, baby, heinie lick.'
Check this out."
And then the boss is gonna say,
"Hey, what are you doing there?
Oh, yeah, that's funny.
I saw that in my room."
"Okay, now type in
'Japanese, fish, ass.'"
I am gonna be so humiliated.
Well, I could save you
the embarrassment
and shoot you in the head
except there aren't
any bullets in this gun.
(both screaming)
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Me, too.
How long is this gonna last?
No idea.
(breathing deeply)
Hope I'm not bothering you.
Nope.
Just doing some stretching.
Maybe a few poses.
You'll tell me if I'm
bothering you, right?
Uh-huh.
I know what you're thinking.
Stewie's so late
to the yoga party.
I'm not even any good.
Right?
I mean, I'm okay.
You know, I'm not
the worst in the class.
I've even been singled out
a few times.
Probably because it's mostly
pregnant women in the group.
Still, Brody must see something.
Although I certainly don't.
But then again I'm not
the instructor, am I?
Oh, yuck.
What happened to my ear?
We pierced it.
Oh, yeah.
Lot of crazy (bleep)
went on last night.
Well, we were both drunk.
Oh, of course, of course.
Oh, yes, that's right.
We were four pillows
to the breeze, my friend.
I don't know what
the phrase is.
W-w-what're you...
what are you reading?
David Copperfield.
It looks old.
It's a first edition.
That's why I keep it
in my safety deposit box.
It's by Charles Dickens.
Ha. Giggity.
What are you doing?
I was hungry.
You want one?
You've had energy bars
this whole time?!
You idiot!
Not energy bars.
Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.
And you just bitched
yourself out of a bite.
All right, I'm sorry.
All right, can I
have one, please?
All right.
Can you give me
a caramel one?
No.
You can have... um...
You can have...
um...
you can have
strawberry yogurt.
I don't like
strawberry yogurt.
Oh, picky for someone
who eats the same food
out of a plastic bowl
on the floor every night.
Okay, I get it.
A bowl that starts
in the kitchen
at the beginning of a meal
and ends up in the living room.
Shut up.
And then forgets four seconds
later that he ate it.
Shut up!
Ooh, harsh tone, you just got
bumped down to coconut mint.
(sighs)
Hey, Bri?
Yeah?
How come you have a gun?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
You... you...
what about all that liberal crap
you're always spewing
about stricter gun regulations?
You even cried after Columbine.
Because that was
a national tragedy.
Oh, it was kind
of a regional tragedy.
Whatever.
It's just weird, you know?
I mean, you're
the last person
anybody would expect
to have a gun.
Well, that's why I keep it here
where it's safe.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why have it
if you're not gonna use it?
(gasps)
Is it like a sexual thing?
No.
Oh, that's a relief.
I hate the idea of you
getting your thrills
pressing a gun
up against your crotch.
Ugh, just picturing it
gives me the willies.
You know, I really don't
want to talk about this
with you, Stewie.
Okay, okay, I respect that.
Thank you.
Are you sure it's
not a sexual thing?
I'm sure.
Oh, good, 'cause that'd be
strange if you had fantasies
about pressing a gun
up against your crotch
and feeling your heartbeat
through your balls.
Please tell me why you have it.
I said I don't want
to talk about it.
But I want to know.
Just tell me. Come on.
No.
Come on, please.
(sighs)
I keep it in case... I ever
want to commit suicide, okay?
Wow.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You're... you're serious.
But why, Brian?
You wouldn't understand.
You're just a kid.
Well, I could try.
I don't know.
Sometimes it's... all too much.
What is?
Life.
Everything.
Just having the gun here,
knowing there's a way out,
it... it helps.
Yes, but a gun... it's so messy.
What about pills?
Even hanging yourself is better.
At least then you might grow
an inch or two
while you're hanging there.
Of course, when they find you,
you might have those
Illeana Douglas eyes.
Hmm.
So, um, why the gun?
It just seemed
the quickest way, I guess.
I suppose.
But I-I-I don't quite understand
why you're so unhappy.
Yesterday when you said
I don't live with purpose...
you were right.
I don't.
What purpose does my life have?
I don't like
when you talk like this.
Oh, it's true, Stewie.
Dogs are supposed to be able to
instinctively live with purpose,
not even to have think about it,
just born like that.
But I wasn't.
You know, I've tried to find
meaning in my life,
and I just... I just can't.
And that bottle of Scotch?
I was saving it
for my last drink.
Wow, heavy.
And, you know, I'm not
talking about purpose
in the shallow,
Rick Warren over-the-counter
self-help variety
because that's...
that's just delusion.
That's not real.
I mean, is there ever a time
when we're truly
in the present moment
and not looking toward
the past or the future?
I mean, right there,
in the moment?
I get that way when
I watch Handy Manny.
So is that why
we came here?
Were you gonna end it?
No, I was just putting money
in my Christmas club.
God, I have to get
one of those.
You know, last year
I only had $30 saved
when the holidays
came around.
I was so embarrassed.
I think I gave Meg tape.
Well, you're the... only person
I've ever told this to.
Aren't you gonna say anything?
Well, I don't know
what to say.
Wanting to kil
yourself, I...
Well, I think that's
pretty selfish of you.
How is that selfish?
What would I do
if you weren't here? Hmm?
You're the only one
who makes my life bearable.
I thought you said I was
the best of a bad situation.
I was just trying to hurt you
'cause you hurt me.
But the truth is...
you're my only friend, Brian.
If I didn't have you,
I'd be lost.
You'd be okay.
No, I wouldn't.
I don't really care
for anybody else. Just you.
You're the only one I like.
Well... thanks.
I like you a lot.
I guess you could say
I... really like you.
I would even dare to go
a little further perhaps.
I care a great deal about you.
A very great deal.
Maybe even...
deeper than that.
I... I...
I love you.
I mean, not in
like a "Hey, let's, you know,
let's have an underpants party,"
or whatever grownups do when
they're in love, but I mean,
I mean, I love you
as one loves another person
whom one simply
cannot do without.
Well, I....
I love you, too, Stewie.
You give my life purpose.
And maybe, maybe that's enough.
Because that's just about
the greatest gift
one friend can give another.
Thank you.
Hey.
What?
Will you read to me?
Sure.
Wait, wait, wait. I want
to get all snuggled in.
Okay, go.
"Chapter One: I am born.
"Whether I shall turn out
to be the hero of my own life,
"or whether that station
shall be held by anybody else,
"these pages must show.
"To begin my life
with the beginning of my life,
I record that I was born on
a Friday, at 12:00 at night..."
(vault door opening)
We hope you enjoyed
our very special episode.
And for the rest of the hour,
we'd like to treat you
to some of your favorite
Family Guy musical moments.
That's right.
Some you may know,
and others you've never seen
before-- like this first one.
A few years back,
Lois had a visit
from her long-lost
brother, Patrick.
He had an irrational hatred
of fat people
and began strangling them.
Though several of these
hefty men were killed,
Peter and his friends from
the National Association
for the Advancement
of Fat People
never got to mourn for
any of the victims.
Until now.
People, people, I know what
will make us feel better.
Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.
♪ Stand up, all fat men ♪
♪ Stand up straight ♪
♪ Stand up because no chair ♪
♪ Can hold your weight ♪
♪ If God created us ♪
♪ To be so big ♪
♪ That's proof he must be ♪
♪ A big fat pig ♪
♪ God's real flabby ♪
♪ With an ass so wide ♪
♪ His arms look like pillows ♪
♪ With cake mix inside ♪
♪ God's man boobs are flabby ♪
♪ And they hurt when he jogs ♪
♪ And the back of God's neck ♪
♪ Looks like a pack
of hot dogs. ♪
One thing we like
to do at Family Guy
is make fun of pop
culture by twisting it
and mocking it and
commenting on it.
Yeah, and sometimes
we just steal stuff
and put our
characters in it.
Here's a scene
inspired by...
Copied from...
A Jerry Lewis film
entitled The Errand Boy
that was created for
the episode where Peter
takes over Pewterschmidt
Industries.
Peggy, hold my calls
for a few minutes, please.
(jazzy tune plays)
(silently mouthing
to the beat of the music)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(music ends)
Several years back,
Brian made friends
with an elderly woman who had
been homebound for years,
and he attempted to bring her
out of her shell.
Ah, yes. Pearl.
She was a nice woman.
So vibrant, full of life.
We became close friends,
and I sang this song
to explain to her
all the wonderful things
that she was missing
by shutting herself
off from society.
And by the song's end,
she felt the courage
to venture out.
And did she get to see
all those things you sang about?
No. She immediately got
hit by a truck and died.
Ah. Well, then, I'm sure
she's glad she met you.
Here's the musical number
that ended
that poor woman's life.
Come on, Pearl.
There's so much you've
missed in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me
to fill you in.
♪ The '60s brought
the hippie breed ♪
♪ And decades later,
things have changed indeed ♪
♪ We lost the values,
but we kept the weed ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The Reagan years
have laid the frame ♪
♪ For movie stars
to play the White House game ♪
♪ We're not too far
from voting Feldman/Haim ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The town of Vegas
has got a different face ♪
♪ 'Cause it's a family place
with lots to do ♪
♪ Where in the '50s ♪
♪ A man could mingle with scores
of all the seediest whores ♪
♪ Well, now his
children can, too ♪
♪ You heard it from
the canine's mouth ♪
♪ The country's changed ♪
♪ That is, except the South ♪
♪ And you'll agree ♪
♪ No one really knows,
my dear lady friend ♪
♪ Just quite how
it all will end ♪
♪ So hurry ♪
♪ 'Cause you've got
a lot to see ♪
♪ The baldness gene
was cause for dread ♪
♪ But that's a fear
that you can put to bed ♪
♪ They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The PC age has moved the bar ♪
♪ A word like redneck
is a step too far ♪
♪ The proper term
is country music star ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪
♪ Make people mumble,
"Gee whiz" ♪
♪ Look how important he is ♪
♪ His life must rule ♪
♪ You'll get a tumor ♪
♪ But on your surgery day ♪
♪ The doc will see it and say ♪
(phone ringing)
♪ "Wow, you must
really be cool" ♪
(indistinct attering)
There's lots of things
you may have missed.
Like Pee-Wee
and his famous wrist.
Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy, phony eye.
That awesome
Thundercats cartoon.
Neil Armstrong landing
on the moon.
Neil Armstrong--
wait, was he the trumpet guy?
♪ So let's go see the USA ♪
♪ They'll treat you right
unless you're Black or gay ♪
♪ Or Cherokee ♪
♪ But you can forgive the world
and its flaws ♪
♪ And follow me there because ♪
♪ You've still got
a hell of a lot to see ♪
♪ You've got...
a... lot to... see. ♪
Brian, I've
missed so much.
I wouldn't be standing
here right now
if it wasn't for you.
(gasps)
Quahog is a wonderful example
of suburban America--
full of neighbors
who look out for each other
and enjoy spending
time together.
Like a big family.
Up next, we find Peter and Lois
in need of a babysitter,
and their kind, elderly
neighbor, Herbert,
offers to help out.
It's a musical number
that will warm the
cockles of your heart.
Yeah, check it out.
Herbert's got a raging
cockle in this one.
So, it would only be
till Monday,
and we could pay you for it.
Yeah, and it's real easy--
I promise.
I mean, you-you've spent time
watching children, right?
Uh, yes, sir. Yes, I have.
Ah. Wonderful.
You mind stopping by
tomorrow morning?
I'll wear my snazziest duds.
♪ ♪
♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪
♪ Got my best vest ♪
♪ All I need now is the boy ♪
♪ Got my striped tie ♪
♪ Got my hopes high ♪
♪ Got the time and the place
and I got rhythm ♪
♪ Now all I need is Chris
to go with 'em ♪
♪ If he'll just appear ♪
♪ We'll fill this big town ♪
♪ Full of joy ♪
♪ And if he'll say ♪
♪ "My darling, I'm yours,"
I'll throw away ♪
♪ My striped tie
and my best pressed tweed ♪
♪ All I really need
is the boy. ♪
And now we have
a super special treat:
a never-before-aired clip
that may be
the greatest thing
we've ever done.
Featuring the last
known recording
of Michael Jackson,
here is...
Stewie, that number
has been cut.
What? No way!
But it had
the Toy Story 3 sneak peek.
Sorry-- legal said
no to all of it.
Well, that sucks.
What else we got?
"Shipoopi".
Seriously? Again?
Fine.
Here's (bleep) "Shipoopi".
♪ ♪
♪ Now, a woman who'll kiss
on the very first date ♪
♪ Is usually a hussy ♪
♪ And a woman who'll kiss
on the second time out ♪
♪ Is anything but fussy ♪
♪ But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around ♪
♪ Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground ♪
♪ She's the girl
he's glad he's found ♪
♪ She's his shipoopi ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
♪ Walk her once
just to raise the curtain ♪
♪ Walk around twice
and you make for certain ♪
♪ Once more
in the flower garden ♪
♪ She will never get sore
if you beg her pardon ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, si, do ♪
♪ Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do ♪
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
♪ Now, little ol' Sal was a
no gal as anyone could see ♪
♪ Look at her now, she's a
go gal who only goes for me ♪
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
No! No!
(blows whistle)
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
♪ You can win her yet ♪
♪ Shipoopi! ♪
You know, when it comes
to road show episodes,
you and I do most
of the traveling.
True, but when Peter
found out that his father
wasn't Francis, the
man who raised him,
but instead a man in Ireland,
Peter decided to visit.
And did we explore
the effects
of the difficult political
and agricultural dynamics
that have rent Ireland
for centuries?
No. We just made them a
country of drunken redheads.
Ah. Groundbreaking.
You knocked up my mom and
never called her again.
Yeah. So what?
So what?
So, let's dance!
♪ Oh, he doesn't smell
like Irish Spring ♪
♪ And he never
taught me anything ♪
♪ But still I
slap my chest ♪
♪ And sing of my
drunken Irish dad ♪
♪ Oh, his face looks
like a railroad map ♪
♪ And he never shuts
his freakin' trap ♪
♪ But all the ladies
catch the clap ♪
♪ From your drunken Irish dad ♪
♪ Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey,
Morrison, Shaughnessy ♪
♪ Riordan and Rooney,
they'll tell you the same ♪
♪ McNultey, Mulrooney
and Cotter and Clooney ♪
♪ All feel the same mixture
of pride and of shame ♪
♪ Finnegan, Hannigan,
Kelly and Flannigan ♪
♪ Look to the ground
when their dad passes by ♪
♪ Cafferty, Rafferty,
Joyce and O'Lafferty ♪
♪ Fight for his honor
and then start to cry ♪
♪ Oh, we Irish lads
are all infirm ♪
♪ And our moods infect us
like a germ ♪
♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm ♪
And we don't tan
well, either.
♪ From our drunken Irish dad. ♪
Do you remember when Peter
got his own TV station?
Yeah, and the FCC
censored him.
We all sang a song
about how they take
the best parts out
of everything.
I know, and the worst part
is that after the song aired,
we heard the FCC people
liked it.
They liked
the parody of them.
Doesn't that just suck?
I mean, like, you know,
like when-when...
when you make fun of someone
and then they laugh.
It's like, "No, man.
No, you don't get it.
The joke is on you."
And then they're supposed
to be like, "Oh, you got me.
Oh, now I've got to think
about myself."
And you're like,
"Yeah. Yeah, you do.
"Take that.
And stay out
of our playground."
But those FCC bozos
liked the song.
I-I don't know-- it just...
it ruins it for me.
Anyway, let's take a look.
Actually, because of
your little rant,
we don't have time
for that song.
Really?
So, what, that means
the show is over?
Yep.
Oh.
Okay. Good night.
Tonight we present
a full hour
of Family Guy,
beginning with a very
special extended episode,
followed by some
never-before-seen musical clips.
That's right.
So, without further ado,
here's a little episode
entitled "Stewie and Brian."
Well, actually, it's
called "Brian and Stewie."
Really? Shouldn't it be
person before animal,
like Turner and Hooch?
I don't think that movie
is a good example.
Of anything.
Besides, it's
alphabetical.
You asked to have
your name first, didn't you?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's "Brian and Stewie."
Pathetic.
Hurry up.
We still have to swing by
Wyndham's before they close.
Relax. I'm almost done.
And why do you have
a safety deposit box anyway?
What's in there
that you can't bury in the yard?
I have things.
You have a dead bird in there?
What are you gonna do with that?
I was gonna take it home,
show it to Lois,
make her proud of me.
Hey, I'm starving.
You want to grab a late lunch?
Can't.
I'm Jenny Craig-ing.
Already paid for the meals.
And if I want to return
this sweater, we've got to get
to Wyndham's by half 6:00.
Half 6:00?
Yes. You have to return it
within a fortnight for a refund.
I love it, but I feel like
it was too much.
Cute, right?
It's Thom Browne.
It was over $3,000.
You spent $3,000 on a sweater?!
What's it to you?
That's the most idiotic thing
I've ever heard.
You're a moron.
A pretentious moron.
Drop dead.
I was returning it anyway.
Where'd you even get
that kind of money?
None of your damn business,
that's where.
You know, today started
as a really nice outing,
but as usual,
you had to ruin it.
I had to ruin it?
Yeah, you.
You know,
I-I was actually hoping
that you'd talk me
out of returning this sweater.
So, you're right;
I guess I am a moron.
You know, it's the one time
I ever splurged on myself,
and you have to go
and make me feel foolish.
Look, I didn't...
Save it, okay?
I'll be waiting outside
under the porte cochere.
It's my own fault for thinking
I could have pretty things.
I'm not having fun anymore.
I feel you should know that.
(door clanks)
What was that?
(grunting)
I don't believe this.
Hello?! Hello?!
We're locked in!
(sniffs)
Did you... did you
just crap your diaper?
I got scared when
the door closed.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Family Guy 8x17
Brian and Stewie
Original Air Date on May 2, 2010
(knocking)
Hey!
Hello! Hello!
Somebody!
We're trapped in here!
You're wasting
your breath.
These bank vault doors
close automatically
at the end of
the workday.
This thing won't be open
again till tomorrow.
Well, there's got to be
some way out of here. Think!
I don't know. You
think of something.
Well, I have no idea!
So, you invented a time machine,
but you can't get us
out of a safe?
Yeah, that's science.
I'm not Houdini.
Can't believe this.
We're locked in here
until tomorrow and the
only thing I've eaten today
was a grape Chris
dropped at breakfast.
It took me
half an hour
just to get the damn
thing off the floor.
I'm uncomfortable.
You have to change me.
I'm not changing you.
We don't even
have any diapers.
Oh, my God, that smell
is making me sick.
(groans)
Oh, thank you for making me
more self-conscious.
I'm not gonna
be able to stay like this
until tomorrow,
you know.
Well, I don't know what you
expect me to do about it.
You don't?
No, I don't.
Stop looking
at me like that.
Look, I'm ing
to propose something,
and I need you to hear me out.
Will you promise me
you'll do that?
I guess.
You guess or you will?
Yes, I'll hear you out.
Okay, well, I can't be
in a soiled diaper
until tomorrow, Brian;
we both know that.
I'll get a rash,
which could lead
to an infection
if left like this.
All-all right, fine,
I'll take the diaper off.
That doesn't really solve
our problem, now, does it?
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't though, really.
See, you're, you're not...
(chuckles)
you're not really
thinking this through.
W-We would still be faced
with the problem of the odor,
you see.
And-and, of course, you know,
then what am I gonna do
with no diaper?
I'm-I'm not gonna
walk around here
with-with my Tic Tac
hanging out.
I-I need a clean diaper.
I told you, we don't
have any clean diapers.
Well, well, no, I mean,
not right now we don't, no.
But if-if the poo
were to be removed...
I'm not following you.
If the poo were to be removed...
W-What does that...?
What are you driving at?
Eat it.
What?
Eat it, Brian.
You're out of
your (bleep) mind.
Now, you promised
you'd hear me out.
Besides, is it really
that big a deal?
You just said yourself
that you're starving.
And, you know, I've seen you
eat poop before, Brian.
Yeah, mine!
Is that really
a huge distinction?
It is to me!
I can't even...
How would... You...
That's sick!
That is sick!
How messed up in the head are
you that y-you would even ask?
Look, okay, okay,
just calm down, okay?
(groans)
We're not, we're not...
we're just talking.
We're not doing
anything yet.
All right,
we're just talking.
Nobody's doing anything
at this point.
Dogs sometimes eat feces.
It's not a judgment;
it's just a fact.
So what I would need you to do
is eat what's in my diaper,
lick the diaper clean,
possibly lick my fanny
and then put the diaper
back on me.
Probably lick my fanny.
Yeah, you should start wrapping
your brain around that, too.
There is no way any
of that is happening.
Well, I don't see
a way around it, do you?
I would shoot
myself first.
Well, how you gonna
shoot yourself?
There's no gun in here.
There's a gun in your safety
deposit box, isn't there?
(both grunting)
(gun cocks)
Stewie, come on. You don't know
how to use that thing.
Oh, really? What if I hold it
sideways like a black guy?
Whoa, whoa, come on, man.
Take it easy, all right?
I-I don't want any trouble.
There's not gonna be any trouble
as long as you eat my poo.
That's not happening.
Well, then I'll be
forced to shoot you.
Go ahead. There aren't
any bullets in that gun.
I don't believe you.
Then shoot me.
I will. I will!
Do it. Then do it!
What are you waiting for? Go on!
I will! I'll blow
your (bleep) head off!
Wait a minute. Don't you have
your cell phone with you?
(gasps)
You're right!
Oh, no, low battery.
I have to make
this call count.
Hurry up.
It's ringing.
Oh, thank God.
Come on, come on.
Yes, hi. Can you connect me
to men's designer wear, please?
Thank you.
What are you doing?!
This will just
take a second.
Give me that!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin.
Uh, who am I talking to?
Hi, Matthew.
I think you're the salesman
who helped me
pick out a Thom Browne sweater
two weeks ago.
Yes, I was going to see
The Bounty Hunter
that night.
Well, I enjoyed it
very much. Thank you.
Good memory, my word.
Anyway, it doesn't
fit properly and...
Give me the
damn phone!
Hey!
Stop it.
Um, and I don't think I'm gonna
make it to the store
before closing time today.
Is it possible to get
an extension on that refund?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
No exceptions, I see.
So you're telling me
if I was James Franco calling,
I would still not be able to get
an extension for one day?
Yes, Matthew, I will hold
for your manager.
(whispers):
I'm gonna wrap this up
so quickly.
Hey!
Sorry, he's gonna have
to call you back...
It's dead.
You wasted the one phone call
we had to return a sweater?!
A $3,000 sweater,
which I am now stuck with.
Oh, this day.
(grunts)
Ow.
You stink! And now
I'm trapped in here
with you and your stink
because you were too stupid
to call somebody
who could help us!
That really hurt.
Just get away from me!
I can't even look at you!
Well, I'm-I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
Don't!
(sniffles)
(sniffles)
(sighs)
All right, I'll do it.
What are you talking about?
(sighs)
I can't leave you like this.
But you have to swear
never to tell anybody.
(gasps)
You mean, you're gonna eat my...
Yeah, no, no, I won't
tell anybody. I swear!
Okay, how should
we do it?
I-I guess it's
dealer's choice, really.
I suppose
the easiest way would be
to use the diaper
as a-a bowl of sorts.
Do you know how
to take it off?
No, I've never done it myself.
Mum does it.
All right, well, we should
get your overalls off first.
I know how
to do the snaps.
There. I did it.
Okay, good. Now let's
get your feet out.
(giggles)
I can't believe
we're doing this.
Oh, really smells bad,
doesn't it?
Yeah. You sure you
can't stay like this?
I'm getting a rash, Brian.
I can feel it.
Okay, okay, I can do this.
All right, lay down.
It's so amazing to me
that you know how to do that.
It's-it's like watching
someone do algebra.
I just have no conception
of how it's done.
Oh, God!
(gagging, coughing)
Okay, you ready?
Okay.
(breathing deeply)
Ah, don't do it
right here!
I don't want to watch!
What?
Take it over there.
Do it in the corner.
It's gross!
It's your poop!
Yeah, but it's your...
activity, you know?
It's... it's your...
it's your thing...
(sighs)
(gasping)
(panting)
I can't finish!
You have to!
How would we explain it
half-eaten?
There's no going back
from this.
(gagging)
(groans)
(gasps)
It's done.
Got some dessert for you.
You've gotta
be kidding me.
Come on.
It's throw-up.
You like throw-up.
I do.
I do like throw-up.
All right, now let's get
this diaper back on you.
Mmm, there's just one part left.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing left.
Look, the diaper's completely
clean.
Yeah, yeah,
but my ass isn't.
You have to clean my ass.
Oh, God, Stewie,
there's got to be a line!
Brian, this is
the most important part.
You've seen Lois
with those sanitary wipes.
She gets all up in
my biznatch with those.
No, no way.
I could get really sick.
Look, there's hardly anything
on it.
This will take one second,
and then we can put this whole
unpleasantness behind us.
If you ever...
I'm not gonna breathe a word
to anybody ever.
Now go on. Get started.
All right, here goes.
Oh, and just do me a favor
and tell me
when you're about to begin
because I don't wanna be
surpri... ♪ Moon river! ♪
Oh, by God, there...
there it goes.
(sighs)
Brian, you rock.
Thank you so much
for doing this.
Oh, wait.
I-I can do this part.
So... yeah.
Thanks.
I feel a lot better now.
(sniffs)
Smell's gone.
Look, I hope this hasn't created
anweirdness between us.
I mean, it's not that strange
what happened.
What'd you eat?
Italian Wedding Soup.
Oh, actually, it wasn't bad.
I know, right?!
Jenny Craig, can you believe?
Only 220 calories.
Probably less for you.
You know, I think
I missed my nap today.
I'm sleepy.
Well, why don't
you lie down?
I think I will.
(sighs)
Brian?
What?
I just realized
something.
What?
Tomorrow's Sunday.
(bleep)
(Stewie snoring softly)
Guess this is as good
a time as any.
Ah....
Mmm, whatcha doin'?
Oh. Hey.
Just needed a little drink.
Was kind of saving it,
but, uh...
what the hell, right?
Saving it for what?
It's not important.
Want a sip?
You're offering me some?
It's liquor, isn't it?
Yeah, it's liquor.
Babies aren't supposed
to have liquor.
This would be
the most naughty thing ever.
Do you want
a sip or not?
(giggles)
Yeah, yeah!
But I don't want
to get too buzzed.
People take
advantage of kids
when they're buzzed.
It's so easy,
and I wouldn't
even remember.
So don't you
try anything.
Try what?
I already practically
French-kissed your butt.
Yeah, there was no practically
about that.
Mmm, smooth.
I like what comes out
of Lois' breasts better,
but I, I like this, too.
Ah...
Oh, startin' to...
startin' to feel that.
Oh. You know,
I-I like, I like hanging out
with you, Brian.
I feel like, I feel
like a big boy right now.
Yeah, this isn't
so bad, right?
It's like a
very private party.
Mmm, I feel like dancing.
Yeah, you know
how to move.
That is real...
You... Wow,
that is awesome.
I'm really impressed.
Oh, wait, I can hurdle
my own leg
like they used
to do in the '90s.
(slurring):
Okay, all right,
you know,
this is gonna sound
really weird.
This is gonna
sound really weird,
but I really want you
to do it, okay?
Wha... what?
First you have to say
that you'll do it
before I tell you,
no mat...
no matter what it is.
All right.
Really?!
Yeah.
Sure, w-what is it?
I want you to pierce my ear.
Let's do it.
You mean it?
Because I-I...
Look-look at my face.
I'm totally serious.
Are you totally serious?
I-I'm with ya.
I'm on the train!
You have...?
Do you have a needle?
Uh, uh, ooh, there's a pin
in the sweater.
Here.
Oh, my God!
This is happening!
This is really happening!
Oh, you know,
I think this is going
to look so good on me.
This, this...
You know what else?
Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove
with no knuckles.
Aren't we supposed to, like,
heat it or something?
I don't care. I really...
I don't give a...
I'm all worked up right now,
so we have to do it.
Just do it, okay?
Before... Wha-what are we
drinking anyway?
Glenfiddich.
♪ Love her! ♪
Oh, you know what?
I'll just sterilize it
in the scotch.
You just sterilize it
in the scotch.
Why didn't...?
It's, it's...
Bitch, sterilize
that bitch up, you know?
You know, I don't, I don't know
why I told Matthew
that I liked, that I liked
The Bounty Hunter
'cause I hated it.
I just, I wanted him to like me
in that moment.
And that's why I said it.
I don't... Why do I...
why do I do that?
Why do I...? Why am I such
a people pleaser, you know?
When, when is it
Stewie's turn, you know?
I, I, I'm...
I voted for McCain.
Okay, left ear.
Left, left ear.
Right now.
Stick it in.
me on, dude.
Can I just...
can I just say before...?
Can we just, like, take two...?
I-I love... You're so brave.
I just love how brave
you're being right now.
This is like the closest
I've ever felt to you.
Okay. Oh, my God,
I was thinking
the same thing.
We are so "us" right now.
Do you...
do you know that?
Okay, okay.
Okay, here we go.
(screams)
Oh, my God!
Oh! Are you okay?
Is it over?
I think.
I-I don't know
where the pin went.
Mov... Wait,
move your hand.
Oh, wow! Oh, (bleep)!
What? What?
What is it?
There's so much blood.
Ew...!
It's stuck in there.
I think the pin's
too thick
to go all
the way through.
Ew! Get it out!
(screams)
Got it.
How's it look?
Cool.
Really? Oh, that's good.
Oh, I knew it was...
I knew it would look...
it would look cool.
We don't... Wait.
Don't we have
to put an earring in it
so the hole won't close?
I don't think it's gonna close.
I can't believe...
I can't believe
I have pierced ears.
I'm one of those people
who I talk about.
Finally, no more clip-ons,
you know?
No... Hey, give me
some of that.
Don't hog that there.
Give me some of that.
It looks... it looks
really good, Stewie.
I wish we had
a mirror
'cause I-I-I actually did
a really good job.
Oh, yeah, it's awesome.
I'm not worried.
Mmm, cozy.
So, um, question.
Yeah?
This is gonna seem stupid,
but I've been dying
to know.
The Dog Whisperer.
Wha... what is that?
Is any, is any
of that true?
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I've offended you.
No, no, no, no,
not at all, Stewie, no.
No, it's, some,
some of that stuff,
some of that stuff
is right on.
Really? Wow.
Well, give me
a "for instance."
Well, the guy
talks about...
Cesar Millan.
Right, Cesar Millan
talks about living
in the moment
because that's how dogs live,
you know?
We live in the moment.
I so don't live in the moment.
I'm always, "Oh, remember
that petting zoo?"
Or "I can't wait
to go to Florida."
I'm never, I'm never,
like, really present.
You know, you-you gotta help me
work on that.
Oh, definitely.
Definitely, man.
Live with purpose, you know?
Celebrate every day.
He talks about all those things
that dogs do.
Like, we do that.
Dogs do that.
It's instinctual.
In us, you know?
It's like I can't not do it.
That's kind of
what his whole thing is.
Such beautiful lessons.
I hope he's not Mexican.
There's something off about him,
but I hope it's not that.
You know, people can learn
a lot from dogs, you know?
A lot.
Like, we're like,
like here's us...
We're, like,
"Yeah! Yeah!"
Like that. "Yeah! Yeah!"
Okay, sure, sure,
relax, relax.
It's just, well, you don't...
I mean, you don't really do
any of those things, do you?
Yeah, I do. Wait.
What are you talking about?
It's just, I don't know...
I mean, do you, you really live
with purpose?
How could you say that to me?
Just callin' it like I see it.
Listen, why, why don't...
why don't you...
You know what?
You can just go to hell!
Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't
mean to start anything.
Let's just forget it, okay?
We're... we're having
a good time.
I don't want to forget it.
How dare you tell me that
my life doesn't have purpose.
No, that's not what I said.
That's what you're saying.
No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't
try to turn my words on me.
And you know what,
take that sweater off.
It makes you look queer.
Okay, well, now you're
just bein' a dick.
Well, you might as well
get used to it.
You're gonna be hearing a lot
worse once you go to school.
Are you trying to hurt me?
Because you've succeeded.
Oh, just calling it
like I see it.
Oh, I see.
Is that what we're doing?
All right, well, I'll play
that game with you.
Oh, yeah? What are
you gonna do?
You think I care
about you?
I don't.
Yes, you do.
I know you do.
I don't really care.
No, you're just smart enough
and you're just clever enough
to occasionally amuse me.
If I had anybody else-- anybody
else to choose from-- I would.
You are the best
of a bad situation.
Nothing more.
I use you, man.
Yeah, I would know
if you were using me.
Oh, oh, you would?
I got you to eat my poop.
And you know why I did it?
Yeah, you were afraid
you were going to get sick.
Because I wanted to see
if I could.
What?
Come on, Brian, I spend half
the day in a dirty diaper.
I was bored.
Just passing the time.
I thought, "How low can I
get this douchebag to go?"
Oh, my God!
And when you did it,
I actually felt sorry for you.
There. Your turn.
You're a monster.
Hey, you started
this whole thing.
You son of a bitch,
I could kill you for that!
Oh, really?
Well, how convenient.
You got a gun right there.
Here you go, Brian.
You want to kill me?
Kill me with this.
Oh, but there are no bullets
in it, are there?
Yeah, there are. I lied.
Oh, you're so full of crap.
Besides, if you shot me,
it'd all be caught
on that security camera.
Security cam... Oh, my God,
maybe somebody can see us!
Hey, hey, somebody help!
We're in here!
No one's out there, Brian.
They would have come in.
Save your energy.
Oh, my God.
What?
It's all on tape.
What's all on tape?
(laughing)
Oh.
Oh, my God, oh, that
is gonna be on YouTube.
Oh, God.
Everybody that works
in an office
is gonna say to
their coworkers,
"Hey, type in
'dog, baby, heinie lick.'
Check this out."
And then the boss is gonna say,
"Hey, what are you doing there?
Oh, yeah, that's funny.
I saw that in my room."
"Okay, now type in
'Japanese, fish, ass.'"
I am gonna be so humiliated.
Well, I could save you
the embarrassment
and shoot you in the head
except there aren't
any bullets in this gun.
(both screaming)
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Me, too.
How long is this gonna last?
No idea.
(breathing deeply)
Hope I'm not bothering you.
Nope.
Just doing some stretching.
Maybe a few poses.
You'll tell me if I'm
bothering you, right?
Uh-huh.
I know what you're thinking.
Stewie's so late
to the yoga party.
I'm not even any good.
Right?
I mean, I'm okay.
You know, I'm not
the worst in the class.
I've even been singled out
a few times.
Probably because it's mostly
pregnant women in the group.
Still, Brody must see something.
Although I certainly don't.
But then again I'm not
the instructor, am I?
Oh, yuck.
What happened to my ear?
We pierced it.
Oh, yeah.
Lot of crazy (bleep)
went on last night.
Well, we were both drunk.
Oh, of course, of course.
Oh, yes, that's right.
We were four pillows
to the breeze, my friend.
I don't know what
the phrase is.
W-w-what're you...
what are you reading?
David Copperfield.
It looks old.
It's a first edition.
That's why I keep it
in my safety deposit box.
It's by Charles Dickens.
Ha. Giggity.
What are you doing?
I was hungry.
You want one?
You've had energy bars
this whole time?!
You idiot!
Not energy bars.
Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.
And you just bitched
yourself out of a bite.
All right, I'm sorry.
All right, can I
have one, please?
All right.
Can you give me
a caramel one?
No.
You can have... um...
You can have...
um...
you can have
strawberry yogurt.
I don't like
strawberry yogurt.
Oh, picky for someone
who eats the same food
out of a plastic bowl
on the floor every night.
Okay, I get it.
A bowl that starts
in the kitchen
at the beginning of a meal
and ends up in the living room.
Shut up.
And then forgets four seconds
later that he ate it.
Shut up!
Ooh, harsh tone, you just got
bumped down to coconut mint.
(sighs)
Hey, Bri?
Yeah?
How come you have a gun?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
You... you...
what about all that liberal crap
you're always spewing
about stricter gun regulations?
You even cried after Columbine.
Because that was
a national tragedy.
Oh, it was kind
of a regional tragedy.
Whatever.
It's just weird, you know?
I mean, you're
the last person
anybody would expect
to have a gun.
Well, that's why I keep it here
where it's safe.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why have it
if you're not gonna use it?
(gasps)
Is it like a sexual thing?
No.
Oh, that's a relief.
I hate the idea of you
getting your thrills
pressing a gun
up against your crotch.
Ugh, just picturing it
gives me the willies.
You know, I really don't
want to talk about this
with you, Stewie.
Okay, okay, I respect that.
Thank you.
Are you sure it's
not a sexual thing?
I'm sure.
Oh, good, 'cause that'd be
strange if you had fantasies
about pressing a gun
up against your crotch
and feeling your heartbeat
through your balls.
Please tell me why you have it.
I said I don't want
to talk about it.
But I want to know.
Just tell me. Come on.
No.
Come on, please.
(sighs)
I keep it in case... I ever
want to commit suicide, okay?
Wow.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You're... you're serious.
But why, Brian?
You wouldn't understand.
You're just a kid.
Well, I could try.
I don't know.
Sometimes it's... all too much.
What is?
Life.
Everything.
Just having the gun here,
knowing there's a way out,
it... it helps.
Yes, but a gun... it's so messy.
What about pills?
Even hanging yourself is better.
At least then you might grow
an inch or two
while you're hanging there.
Of course, when they find you,
you might have those
Illeana Douglas eyes.
Hmm.
So, um, why the gun?
It just seemed
the quickest way, I guess.
I suppose.
But I-I-I don't quite understand
why you're so unhappy.
Yesterday when you said
I don't live with purpose...
you were right.
I don't.
What purpose does my life have?
I don't like
when you talk like this.
Oh, it's true, Stewie.
Dogs are supposed to be able to
instinctively live with purpose,
not even to have think about it,
just born like that.
But I wasn't.
You know, I've tried to find
meaning in my life,
and I just... I just can't.
And that bottle of Scotch?
I was saving it
for my last drink.
Wow, heavy.
And, you know, I'm not
talking about purpose
in the shallow,
Rick Warren over-the-counter
self-help variety
because that's...
that's just delusion.
That's not real.
I mean, is there ever a time
when we're truly
in the present moment
and not looking toward
the past or the future?
I mean, right there,
in the moment?
I get that way when
I watch Handy Manny.
So is that why
we came here?
Were you gonna end it?
No, I was just putting money
in my Christmas club.
God, I have to get
one of those.
You know, last year
I only had $30 saved
when the holidays
came around.
I was so embarrassed.
I think I gave Meg tape.
Well, you're the... only person
I've ever told this to.
Aren't you gonna say anything?
Well, I don't know
what to say.
Wanting to kil
yourself, I...
Well, I think that's
pretty selfish of you.
How is that selfish?
What would I do
if you weren't here? Hmm?
You're the only one
who makes my life bearable.
I thought you said I was
the best of a bad situation.
I was just trying to hurt you
'cause you hurt me.
But the truth is...
you're my only friend, Brian.
If I didn't have you,
I'd be lost.
You'd be okay.
No, I wouldn't.
I don't really care
for anybody else. Just you.
You're the only one I like.
Well... thanks.
I like you a lot.
I guess you could say
I... really like you.
I would even dare to go
a little further perhaps.
I care a great deal about you.
A very great deal.
Maybe even...
deeper than that.
I... I...
I love you.
I mean, not in
like a "Hey, let's, you know,
let's have an underpants party,"
or whatever grownups do when
they're in love, but I mean,
I mean, I love you
as one loves another person
whom one simply
cannot do without.
Well, I....
I love you, too, Stewie.
You give my life purpose.
And maybe, maybe that's enough.
Because that's just about
the greatest gift
one friend can give another.
Thank you.
Hey.
What?
Will you read to me?
Sure.
Wait, wait, wait. I want
to get all snuggled in.
Okay, go.
"Chapter One: I am born.
"Whether I shall turn out
to be the hero of my own life,
"or whether that station
shall be held by anybody else,
"these pages must show.
"To begin my life
with the beginning of my life,
I record that I was born on
a Friday, at 12:00 at night..."
(vault door opening)
We hope you enjoyed
our very special episode.
And for the rest of the hour,
we'd like to treat you
to some of your favorite
Family Guy musical moments.
That's right.
Some you may know,
and others you've never seen
before-- like this first one.
A few years back,
Lois had a visit
from her long-lost
brother, Patrick.
He had an irrational hatred
of fat people
and began strangling them.
Though several of these
hefty men were killed,
Peter and his friends from
the National Association
for the Advancement
of Fat People
never got to mourn for
any of the victims.
Until now.
People, people, I know what
will make us feel better.
Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.
♪ Stand up, all fat men ♪
♪ Stand up straight ♪
♪ Stand up because no chair ♪
♪ Can hold your weight ♪
♪ If God created us ♪
♪ To be so big ♪
♪ That's proof he must be ♪
♪ A big fat pig ♪
♪ God's real flabby ♪
♪ With an ass so wide ♪
♪ His arms look like pillows ♪
♪ With cake mix inside ♪
♪ God's man boobs are flabby ♪
♪ And they hurt when he jogs ♪
♪ And the back of God's neck ♪
♪ Looks like a pack
of hot dogs. ♪
One thing we like
to do at Family Guy
is make fun of pop
culture by twisting it
and mocking it and
commenting on it.
Yeah, and sometimes
we just steal stuff
and put our
characters in it.
Here's a scene
inspired by...
Copied from...
A Jerry Lewis film
entitled The Errand Boy
that was created for
the episode where Peter
takes over Pewterschmidt
Industries.
Peggy, hold my calls
for a few minutes, please.
(jazzy tune plays)
(silently mouthing
to the beat of the music)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(music ends)
Several years back,
Brian made friends
with an elderly woman who had
been homebound for years,
and he attempted to bring her
out of her shell.
Ah, yes. Pearl.
She was a nice woman.
So vibrant, full of life.
We became close friends,
and I sang this song
to explain to her
all the wonderful things
that she was missing
by shutting herself
off from society.
And by the song's end,
she felt the courage
to venture out.
And did she get to see
all those things you sang about?
No. She immediately got
hit by a truck and died.
Ah. Well, then, I'm sure
she's glad she met you.
Here's the musical number
that ended
that poor woman's life.
Come on, Pearl.
There's so much you've
missed in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me
to fill you in.
♪ The '60s brought
the hippie breed ♪
♪ And decades later,
things have changed indeed ♪
♪ We lost the values,
but we kept the weed ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The Reagan years
have laid the frame ♪
♪ For movie stars
to play the White House game ♪
♪ We're not too far
from voting Feldman/Haim ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The town of Vegas
has got a different face ♪
♪ 'Cause it's a family place
with lots to do ♪
♪ Where in the '50s ♪
♪ A man could mingle with scores
of all the seediest whores ♪
♪ Well, now his
children can, too ♪
♪ You heard it from
the canine's mouth ♪
♪ The country's changed ♪
♪ That is, except the South ♪
♪ And you'll agree ♪
♪ No one really knows,
my dear lady friend ♪
♪ Just quite how
it all will end ♪
♪ So hurry ♪
♪ 'Cause you've got
a lot to see ♪
♪ The baldness gene
was cause for dread ♪
♪ But that's a fear
that you can put to bed ♪
♪ They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ The PC age has moved the bar ♪
♪ A word like redneck
is a step too far ♪
♪ The proper term
is country music star ♪
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪
♪ Make people mumble,
"Gee whiz" ♪
♪ Look how important he is ♪
♪ His life must rule ♪
♪ You'll get a tumor ♪
♪ But on your surgery day ♪
♪ The doc will see it and say ♪
(phone ringing)
♪ "Wow, you must
really be cool" ♪
(indistinct attering)
There's lots of things
you may have missed.
Like Pee-Wee
and his famous wrist.
Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy, phony eye.
That awesome
Thundercats cartoon.
Neil Armstrong landing
on the moon.
Neil Armstrong--
wait, was he the trumpet guy?
♪ So let's go see the USA ♪
♪ They'll treat you right
unless you're Black or gay ♪
♪ Or Cherokee ♪
♪ But you can forgive the world
and its flaws ♪
♪ And follow me there because ♪
♪ You've still got
a hell of a lot to see ♪
♪ You've got...
a... lot to... see. ♪
Brian, I've
missed so much.
I wouldn't be standing
here right now
if it wasn't for you.
(gasps)
Quahog is a wonderful example
of suburban America--
full of neighbors
who look out for each other
and enjoy spending
time together.
Like a big family.
Up next, we find Peter and Lois
in need of a babysitter,
and their kind, elderly
neighbor, Herbert,
offers to help out.
It's a musical number
that will warm the
cockles of your heart.
Yeah, check it out.
Herbert's got a raging
cockle in this one.
So, it would only be
till Monday,
and we could pay you for it.
Yeah, and it's real easy--
I promise.
I mean, you-you've spent time
watching children, right?
Uh, yes, sir. Yes, I have.
Ah. Wonderful.
You mind stopping by
tomorrow morning?
I'll wear my snazziest duds.
♪ ♪
♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪
♪ Got my best vest ♪
♪ All I need now is the boy ♪
♪ Got my striped tie ♪
♪ Got my hopes high ♪
♪ Got the time and the place
and I got rhythm ♪
♪ Now all I need is Chris
to go with 'em ♪
♪ If he'll just appear ♪
♪ We'll fill this big town ♪
♪ Full of joy ♪
♪ And if he'll say ♪
♪ "My darling, I'm yours,"
I'll throw away ♪
♪ My striped tie
and my best pressed tweed ♪
♪ All I really need
is the boy. ♪
And now we have
a super special treat:
a never-before-aired clip
that may be
the greatest thing
we've ever done.
Featuring the last
known recording
of Michael Jackson,
here is...
Stewie, that number
has been cut.
What? No way!
But it had
the Toy Story 3 sneak peek.
Sorry-- legal said
no to all of it.
Well, that sucks.
What else we got?
"Shipoopi".
Seriously? Again?
Fine.
Here's (bleep) "Shipoopi".
♪ ♪
♪ Now, a woman who'll kiss
on the very first date ♪
♪ Is usually a hussy ♪
♪ And a woman who'll kiss
on the second time out ♪
♪ Is anything but fussy ♪
♪ But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around ♪
♪ Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground ♪
♪ She's the girl
he's glad he's found ♪
♪ She's his shipoopi ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
♪ Walk her once
just to raise the curtain ♪
♪ Walk around twice
and you make for certain ♪
♪ Once more
in the flower garden ♪
♪ She will never get sore
if you beg her pardon ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, si, do ♪
♪ Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do ♪
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
♪ Now, little ol' Sal was a
no gal as anyone could see ♪
♪ Look at her now, she's a
go gal who only goes for me ♪
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
No! No!
(blows whistle)
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
♪ You can win her yet ♪
♪ Shipoopi! ♪
You know, when it comes
to road show episodes,
you and I do most
of the traveling.
True, but when Peter
found out that his father
wasn't Francis, the
man who raised him,
but instead a man in Ireland,
Peter decided to visit.
And did we explore
the effects
of the difficult political
and agricultural dynamics
that have rent Ireland
for centuries?
No. We just made them a
country of drunken redheads.
Ah. Groundbreaking.
You knocked up my mom and
never called her again.
Yeah. So what?
So what?
So, let's dance!
♪ Oh, he doesn't smell
like Irish Spring ♪
♪ And he never
taught me anything ♪
♪ But still I
slap my chest ♪
♪ And sing of my
drunken Irish dad ♪
♪ Oh, his face looks
like a railroad map ♪
♪ And he never shuts
his freakin' trap ♪
♪ But all the ladies
catch the clap ♪
♪ From your drunken Irish dad ♪
♪ Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey,
Morrison, Shaughnessy ♪
♪ Riordan and Rooney,
they'll tell you the same ♪
♪ McNultey, Mulrooney
and Cotter and Clooney ♪
♪ All feel the same mixture
of pride and of shame ♪
♪ Finnegan, Hannigan,
Kelly and Flannigan ♪
♪ Look to the ground
when their dad passes by ♪
♪ Cafferty, Rafferty,
Joyce and O'Lafferty ♪
♪ Fight for his honor
and then start to cry ♪
♪ Oh, we Irish lads
are all infirm ♪
♪ And our moods infect us
like a germ ♪
♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm ♪
And we don't tan
well, either.
♪ From our drunken Irish dad. ♪
Do you remember when Peter
got his own TV station?
Yeah, and the FCC
censored him.
We all sang a song
about how they take
the best parts out
of everything.
I know, and the worst part
is that after the song aired,
we heard the FCC people
liked it.
They liked
the parody of them.
Doesn't that just suck?
I mean, like, you know,
like when-when...
when you make fun of someone
and then they laugh.
It's like, "No, man.
No, you don't get it.
The joke is on you."
And then they're supposed
to be like, "Oh, you got me.
Oh, now I've got to think
about myself."
And you're like,
"Yeah. Yeah, you do.
"Take that.
And stay out
of our playground."
But those FCC bozos
liked the song.
I-I don't know-- it just...
it ruins it for me.
Anyway, let's take a look.
Actually, because of
your little rant,
we don't have time
for that song.
Really?
So, what, that means
the show is over?
Yep.
Oh.
Okay. Good night.