Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - April in Quahog - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight,
scientists at NASA



have made a fascinating
new discovery:

The first directly observable
instance of a black hole,

which appears to be located
just outside our solar system.

Tricia Takanawa
has the story.

Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,

the first white
man I've ever met

who knows math
better than me.

Mr. Hawking, what does the
discovery of this black hole

mean to you and
your research?

I am overjoyed.

This is the crowning
achievement of my career.

It validates the work
of a lifetime.

It certainly does.

Back to you, Tom.



All right, we're clear.

I'm telling you, man,

this shtick is
getting so old.

That chair smells, dude.

Hey, Steve, surf's up!

All right!

See you, bitch!

Everyone, guess what.

What?

I have been selected.

For what?

Oh, nothing too important,
just jury duty!

They have summoned me.

I am part of an elite group
of individuals

deemed intelligent enough
to decide

the fate of a fellow citizen.

Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.

You know, they don't just
pick anybody for this job.

Yeah, they do.

Brian, perhaps I have not
made myself clear.

I have been entrusted
to pass judgment upon others.

Everybody gets called for
jury duty, you stupid idiot!

I've been called!

The only reason you've
never been called

is that they use the
voter registration list,

and this past election is the
first time you ever voted.

I voted before.

I stuffed the ballot box
at the Oscars.

And the nominees for Best Actor
in a Leading Role are:

Grover, Bluto from Popeye,

a Red Guy, a Boob

and Daniel Day Lewis.

And the Oscar goes to...

a Red Guy!

Wait a second.
Y... You're saying that

everyone is asked
to do jury duty?

Yes, Peter.

So then, I'm not special?

Everyone's special,
Peter.

Rock Drummer
Tommy Lee?!

And if your wife ever tells you
that you're not special,

punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.

Thanks, Rock
Drummer Tommy Lee!

Hey, and you know
what else is cool?

Having sex
with sunglasses on.

I've got a lot of
things to try now!

I don't want
to go to jury duty.

Turns out it's not a special
honor at all. It's lame.

And the worst part is,
they try and trick you

into getting excited
by putting "duty" in the title.

So, you were excited
when you thought

there was fecal
matter involved?

What the hell
is fecal matter?

- Waste.
- Huh?

- Doody.
- Ha-ha!

Peter, jury duty is an
important cornerstone

in our democratic society.

Yeah, that's what separates us
from the monkeys.

That and the armed guards
at the zoo.

Man, they got some
sexy monkeys down there.

I don't care,
jury duty sounds boring.

I'm gonna get myself kicked out.

Just like I got
kicked out of Coldplay.

Guys, guys, I got an idea!

How 'bout we do a song
that's not whiny bull crap?

All right,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna ask you a series
of questions to determine

whether or not you can
be impartial jurors.

First off, do any of
you have any prejudices

you feel the court
should know of?

Yes, you sir.

Ants. I hate ants.

What?

That's right, you heard me.

I'm an ant hater.

Just like my daddy
and his daddy before him.

So, if this is
an ant trial, forget it.

No way I'm gonna be fair.

Always making those
cocky little hills.

Moving around
all single file and stupid.

All ganging up and walking
my pie off the picnic blanket.

'Twas my pie gone missing!

Sir, this is not
an ant trial.

Oh.

Is there anything else
we should know about?

Oh, have you not heard?

Heard what?

♪ A well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪

♪ B... bird's the word,
a well-a-bird-bird-bird ♪

♪ B... bird's the word,
a well-a... ♪

All right, now the prosecution
is about to show you

items pertinent to this case

that have been entered
into evidence.

It is vitally important
that you look but don't touch,

as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.

Exhibit A,
one bloody Slinky.

Oh.

Exhibit B,

one semen-covered
View-Master.

Oh!

With the reel of
the Grand Canyon.

Oh!

And a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head.

Oh!

And these socks
you really need.

Oh!

All right, everyone, we're going
to take a ten-minute recess.

I would like to remind members
of the jury that you are

forbidden to discuss details of
the case outside the courtroom.

Hey, how about this trial, huh?

And all its details.

Let's discuss them.

He said not to!

Aw, hey, you know
how the judge told us

not to make up
our minds beforehand?

Let's make up our minds.

Griffin, shut up!

Hey, I know the judge said

not to run in the hall,
but check this out!

Griffin! Knock it off!

Hey, come on, Judge,
tell us the answer.

The Mexican guy
did it, right?

We now return to How Henry
Kissinger Met Your Mother.

I was walking with my professor

when I saw this
woman who was...

Stewie, can you please move?

You're blocking the TV.

No! And I'll thank
you to quiet down.

I'm playing
action figures.

Prepare to be bested
on the battlefield, Lion-O.

Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry,
did I punch you too hard?

Yes, I suppose you don't know
your own strength.

I mean, look at your muscles.

Oh, stop it, you're the one
with the sick abs.

God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.

Yeah, that's right.

You buy your kids
ridiculously homoerotic dolls

and then ask what happened?

Yep. Your gay son
is on you, buddy.

Explain that to your God.

Off to another day
of jury duty, sweetie?

Yeah, and it sucks.

Even the vending machines
are out of order.

I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.

There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.

This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.

NASA has made
the alarming announcement

that the newly discovered
black hole

at the edge of our solar system
appears to be expanding.

Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,

and scientists estimate
that the event horizon

will reach Earth by tomorrow.

That's right, Tom.

Which means that
all life on Earth

will be destroyed
within twenty-four hours.

Oh, my God!

Mom, is... is this for real?

Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.

It's the end
of the world!

Holy crap!

Seems like I've run out
of waiting time.

...but it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby

is gonna be just fine.

Also in the news,
the doomsday clock is ticking

with less than ninteen hours
to go before our planet

is consumed by
an expanding black hole.

As Americans everywhere
face their last day on Earth,

one can only imagine
how they're spending it.

Hey, Mort.

Now that the end
of the world is here,

I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?

Ow!

Psych! Ha-ha!

Embedded in the hand.

Have fun where you're going.

Well, it's become clear,

the only way
to avert this disaster

is by writing a strongly-worded
letter to the black hole.

"Dear space.

"Well, you're just full
of surprises, aren't you?

"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.

"Well, you're not
gonna be so tough

"when I put a fish bowl
on my head

and a rocket pack on my back and
come up there and punch you."

Take that, Orion!

That's right.

All you are is a failed
production company.

Joe, Joe,
you got to help me.

You got to help
me get laid!

What are you
talking about, Quagmire?

I got to get laid!

You got to help
me get laid!

I've never had sex!

What do you mean?
You've had sex a million times.

Aw, that's all bluster.

I just talk big
for the fellas.

I'm a virgin, Joe!

I don't want to
die a virgin!

Help me, please!

Let me have sex
with Bonnie!

I guess so.

For my friend,
on our last day on Earth.

You're a good
man, Joe Swanson.

How was your first time?

Ah, I've had sex
lots of times.

I just wanted to
have it again!

Screw you!

Who else but Quagmire?

Well, Diane, now that
our time is almost up,

just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature

called Tom's Crank Calls.

Let's dial that number,
shall we?

Hello, is this Megan Fox?

I will kill you,
do you understand?

If I can't have you,
no one can.

I will kill you.

This is Tom Tucker.

Well, I know who you are.

It's fun to see how people react
when they're on the spot.

Look, since these
are our final hours,

I want you kids
to know how much

your father
and I love you

and how important
this family is to us.

Oh, I'm scared.

I wonder what it's like to die.

I don't know, but from the
look in a stray cat's eyes

when you're pushing
on its windpipe,

I think it's
pretty terrifying.

Like, panicky.

Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna happ...

What was that...

You were praying.

Come on, no, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

You were
praying, I saw!

No, man, it was a joke!

You were praying!

It was a goof!
I was goofing on you!

You're... you're...
you're disingenuous.

Hello, everybody.

This is Montecore.
He's my lion.

I have a lion now.

Peter, what the hell?!

You know, I went
to the zoo last week

and asked if I could do it,
and they told me to scram.

Went to the zoo this morning

with a shotgun
and now I have a lion.

- Does it bite?
- Of course it bites, it's a lion.

Peter, get off the lion.

We should spend some time
together as a family.

I don't think so, Lois.

But the world is ending.

We should be spending
these final hours

with the people we love most.

Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.

Today, I have a golden ticket
to do whatever the hell I want.

I feel like an old guy

who's reliving
his youthful shenanigans.

Tell me about when
you were young, Grandpa.

Oh, sonny,
those were crazy times.

My friends and I
were out of control.

We used to give each other
wet-willies and funny arms.

We'd play dandy-balls and
legs-a-spread and penis-butt.

Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.

It was gay. Everyone was.

But, back then, we were
called pole-fancies.

It was real,
good old-fashioned

"grab the nearest tree and
hold on for dear life" gay,

not today's fancy, featherbed,
thread-count gay.

People got hurt back then!

That's gay.

Yeah, it was pretty gay.

What the hell are you
doing with a musket?

Last day on Earth.

I've always wanted to save
a Native American family

from rapacious cavalrymen.

Yeah...
this one'll do nicely.

Let her go.

You don't have to be afraid
of him anymore.

Stay with us as the
countdown to Doomsday continues

with just six more hours to go.

The only thing that's nice
about this is

even though it's a Tuesday,

it feels kinda like
it's a Friday.

Peter, where are
you going?

Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.

I'm gonna find
a black neighborhood

and see what happens

if I yell
the you-know-what word.

They respected me
for saying it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it,

our final minutes.

Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked

into the gaping maw
of the black hole.

We here at Channel Five would
like to leave you

with some highlights of
mankind's brief existence,

like the Battle of Hastings.

Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings!

Yeah, let's do it!

Let's go!

All right, Hastings!

The Ottoman Empire.

Ah, I could get
used to this.

You know what?

This is what I want
our empire to be about.

The first television broadcast.

And with only
thirty seconds to go,

we thank you
for choosing Channel Five

as your Armageddon network.

Mom, where's Dad?!

I don't know, Chris.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Peter, where
have you been?!

Look, you try scheduling
a haircut today.

You know, you'd think
you'd wanna spend

your last day on Earth
with your family!

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

With only seconds left!

Don't you love me?!

Of course I love you, Lois!

You're the most important person
in the world to me!

You promise?

I promise!

Ten, nine, eight...

I just hate bein'
around the kids.

What?!

...six, five,

Sorry, I just thought
I'd be honest

since we're gonna die.

...three, two, one.

April Fools!

What?!

You gotta be kiddin' me!

We're not gonna die?!

No, we're not gonna die!

Wait, what did
Dad just say?

Yes, April Fools!

We at Channel Five News
concocted

the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment

to being festive
around the holidays.

And with only eighty-seven suicides
and widespread looting,

we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.

You dicks!

Hey, how do ya like
that, Lois?

We're gonna live!

Peter, what did you mean
by what you said,

you hate bein'
around the kids?

Yeah, Dad,
what did you mean?

Don't you like us?

Yeah, what gives?

Well... Oh, come on.

I... I didn't mean that.
I was just jokin' around.

Hey, gimme a big hug.

How about a big hug for old Dad?

Kids, why don't you
go upstairs

so your father
and I can talk.

Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.

Let's get outta here.

Well, I'm off to serve food
at the soup kitchen.

Now that I lived
through this,

I kinda have to keep

a promise I made
to someone.

It's God!

Peter, what did you mean?

All right,
you want the truth?

They bore the hell
outta me, Lois.

Bore the hell
outta you?!

They're your kids!

I know,
and I love 'em,

but don't you just sometimes
wish they'd run away

or get kidnapped
and be made to work

in a Temple of Doom?

How can you
even say that?!

Because, Lois.
Meg tells a story

that makes you wanna blow
your brains out,

Stewie just sits there

and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.

Get outta here!

Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.

Let us go find
das vaginya.

Listen to you!

You don't know your own kids!

That's the problem!

It's not them, it's you!

Me?!

Yes, you!

And you know what?

You've hurt your kids worse
than any black hole could!

Lois, you're overreacting.

This'll all blow over
by tomorrow.

Morning, (bleep).

Ha-ha, I'm just kiddin'!

So what do we got,
pancakes? Cool!

Hey, what's on tap
for school today, kids?

- Shut up, Dad.
- Whatever.

So, Chris, how, uh,

how are all your friends
at school?

What do you care?

You don't know
who my friends are.

Sure, I do.

Um, Chandler...

Fonzie...

and Remington Steele?

You got lucky, Dad.

So, Stewie, how's everything
goin' in Lego Land?

Oh, pretty good.
I made a spaceship...

Wait a minute.
I'm not talkin' to you.

Come on, guys. Let's go eat
in the living room.

It stinks in here.

Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?

'Cause sometimes
I can suck 'em back up.

I think we can make up
some of these losses

in the third quarter.

What was that?

What was what?

Oh, nothing.

I thought I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.

They, uh, they're really pissed
at me, aren't they?

Oh, look who's
startin' to get it.

Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.

They, they know
you have no interest

in getting to know them.

I mean, how... how would you feel?

Well, right now
I feel like a jerk.

Peter, if you really
do care about your kids,

you're gonna have to earn back
their respect and affection.

How do I do that?

You gotta spend
time with them

and make their interests
your interests.

I guess
you're right, Lois.

I'm always screwin' up.

Like that time
with Jason Mraz.

Oh, my God!
You're Jason Mraz!

No, I'm not.

I'm just some
guy with a hat.

Yeah, that's who
Jason Mraz is!

Hey, buddy.

What's goin' on?

You having your period?

What?!

I'm just trying

to take an interest
in your interests.

My period's
not an interest.

It's something
that happens to me

that I cannot control.

Gross.

All right, I'm gonna
go talk to Chris.

Hi, Chris.

Hello... Peter.

You know,
I was just thinkin',

when I was your age, my Uncle
Roy shared a beer with me.

I drank it, and I was so
excited, I fell asleep.

I must have tossed
and turned somethin' fierce,

'cause when I woke up,
my pants were off.

Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.

Turns out we weren't
even related.

Anyway, I thought him sharing
that beer with me was

the coolest thing ever.

And I know nowadays
things are different...

so I got some crystal meth.

I figured we could do it
together as father and son.

I don't know about that.

Tell you what,
I'll get us started.

Ah... That feels...
that feels better.

You sure
that stuff is okay?

All I know is the guys
who made it are dead.

Why is there no hole
in this wall?

You know, this thing
is buggin' me.

All right, I'm gonna
take a hike.

So you gonna introduce me
to your pals?

That's Trapjaw.

That's Optimus Prime.

That's Destro.

And that's a Care Bear.

You havin' a tea party?

No, we're working out
a land deal.

Trapjaw is trying
to get a variance

to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet

of Optimus Prime's
property line.

Destro is the City Councilman
who's telling Trapjaw

that he has to file it
as an accessory structure,

and even then it can only be
built at the rear of the lot.

And the Care Bear is
just a Care Bear.

I am so (bleep) ready!

I don't know, Lois,
I tried my best.

I don't know what else
I possibly could have done.

Peter, you're just gonna
have to do better.

Somehow you've gotta
let those kids know

that they matter to you.

I'll try, Lois.

Kids, come in here!

Your father's got
somethin' to say!

Look, I know you
kids ain't too happy

with your dad right now,

but I hope at least you could
see that I'm tryin'.

I mean, I know sometimes we
don't get along with each other.

Hell, if we weren't all related,

this would be like the worst
table at the wedding.

But we're...
we're part of a family.

And I'm still your father.

And I promise I love you.

Well, then how come you said
you hated spending time with us?

Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.

But I... I can still be your dad

even if we don't have any
of the same interests.

So what do you say,
are we a family again?

I don't buy it.

Me neither.

When you jumped
through my ceiling,

you let an owl in.

I know they're supposed
to be wise,

but all it did was shriek

and poop out
half-digested mice.

Well, then, I guess
there's only one thing

I can do to regain your love.

Who wants a brand new Xbox?

- Yay!
- Oh, Daddy!

Oh, my God,
you're the best father ever!

Well, I guess if you can't earn
your kids' respect,

you can always buy it.

There's some awesome stuff
in the garbage.

Dad, can we please have
a turn at the Xbox?

Just a second, Meg. I'm still
trying to get the hang of this.

Okay, guys, tell me again,

uh, now, which one
do I press to shoot now?

Damn it! Ah, crap.

Who's the douchebag
who keeps dyin'?

I'm not a douchebag.
I'm new.

Look, if you're no good,

why don't you just go
hide till the end?

All right, I'll go
crouch behind the, uh...

Is this
a crouch button?

Ah! Who dropped
a grenade?!

- Idiot!
- Learn how to play!

- Moron!
- You suck!