Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Juice Is Loose! - full transcript

Okay, Peter, I'm off to my book club.
You'll babysit Stewie?

- Only if I can have a Popsicle.
- Only if you say it right.

"Popsicle. "

Good. And you better be
responsible tonight.

I don't want a repeat of the last time
I left you alone with one of our children.

- It's just so horrible.
- I'm sorry, Lois.

I thought if I shook him enough,
he'd stop crying.

I was kind of right.

Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie.
I babysit now, because I'm growing up.

I am so getting hair down there. Anyway,
you guys should totally come over.

What? You're already here? No way.



Look, I brought four cigarettes
I filched from my mom's purse.

Oh, give me one. I wanna look adult.

Hey, watch this.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Yeah? Watch this.

- Okay, Quagmire's turn. Truth or dare?
- I pick dare. No, no, no, truth, truth.

Okay, truth. Do you have AIDS?

Aw. Come on, we're all just trying
to have a good time.

Okay, Cleveland, your turn.
Truth or dare?

- Um... Dare.
- Okay.

I dare you to make out with Joe
for 15 seconds.

- What?
- No way. Oh! Oh!

- You gotta, it's a dare. That's the game.
- That's the game.

Okay, what the hell?
I'm an open-minded person.



- So am I. No big deal.
- Just my body.

Oh, my God. They're gonna do it.
Oh, I gotta take a picture.

- Holy crap. No way.
- They're doing it.

No freaking way. Quagmire,
take a picture.

- Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, keep it down.
It's just two guys making out. Relax.

- Stewie, go to bed.
- Am I expected to put myself to bed?

Is no one taking care of me?

Ugh! He's a worse dad than
a rich New York City investment banker.

Hi, Daddy. At school today,
they picked one kid to...

- Millie, it's in here again.
- Me sorry, Mr. Sir.

Get out the room there.
You bother your father.

Him unhappy him had you
in the first place.

Now, come on, I'll let you
rub some lotion on my elbows.

We now return to Robert Mitchum...

...in Out-of-Shape In-Shape Guy
From the '50s.

Gambling is illegal in this town.

- Says who?
- Says me.

- You got a problem with that?
- I'm not really sure.

Kind of waiting for you to exhale.

Actually, yeah,
I do have a problem with that.

Oh, come on. Stupid satellite TV.
Maybe I have to fix the dish.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey. Hey. Help! Help!

- Hey. Hey, Brian. Brian.
- What the hell?

Call the fire brigade. Get a ladder.
Get me down.

- What are you doing?
- Fucking your girlfriend.

- What do you think? I'm stuck.
- How'd you get on the roof?

Am I doing an interview?
Shut up and get a ladder or something.

Yeah, maybe we are doing an interview.

So tell us about that new project
you have coming up.

What are you talking about?
Get me down.

No. First, tell me about
that new project.

- Oh, you're so dead.
- Is that the title of your new film?

Aah! I've been working on a new movie,
and it's great. Toss me a rope.

No, that's not good enough.
I want details.

I'm gonna slit your throat in your sleep.

Well, when you're working
with Jack Black...

...you just gotta keep up, you know?

I mean, he's doing his thing,
and you gotta...

...match his energy level
without looking...

...like you're trying to one-up him.
That's a game you're not gonna win.

What was it like performing the words
of Oscar-winner Diablo Cody?

She's a goddamn overpriced call girl
who got lucky once.

Ooh. That doesn't sound like
an interview answer.

Say something nice about Diablo Cody.

I envy the tattoo artist...

...who had that huge canvas
of arm fat to work with.

Ha-ha-ha. Wonderful, wonderful.

Hey, listen,
can you hang with us through the break?

- What?
- We'll be back with Stewie's costar...

...Robin Williams.

No, no. I hate Robin Will...
Where are you going?

- Stewie.
- What?

I have to tell you about the future.

- What?
- I have to tell you about the future.

- On the night I go back...
- Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

Hang on, Michael.
I have to tell you about your future.

Peter, Stewie's on the roof.

Oh, Nick Jonas is so cute.

- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?

- Pillow fight!
- Ow. You bastard.

- Aah!
- Oh, my God. Sorry, Lois.

Peter, what is our infant son
doing up on the roof?

There's a raccoon up here.

Yikes. Looks like I need a distraction.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.

Terrific. Terrific.
So, Lois, you still pissed at me...

...about Stewie being on the roof?
- Yes, Peter, I am.

For crying out loud.
If Conway Twitty isn't enough...

...to lighten you up,
what is it gonna take?

A Minotaur with Sean Connery's head?

Is this 31 Spooner S...?

Get out of here.
Just get the hell out of here.

Look, Lois, what do you say
we just bury the hatchet, huh?

We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn,
and watch Jimmy Kimmel try.

No, thank you, Peter.
And even if I wanted to, the TV's out.

There must be something wrong
with the dish.

It's all right, it's all right. I'll fix the dish.
Where's my screwdriver?

Holy crap.

You are not gonna believe
what I just found.

A yellow piece of paper?

A raffle ticket, Brian.
But not just any raffle ticket.

I won this in 1989 from
a Honey Nut Cheerios sweepstakes...

...and I totally forgot to cash it in.

It's one free round of golf
with a famous celebrity.

- Wow. Who's the celebrity?
- I'll give you a hint.

Famous football player.
Had a bit part in Roots.

Couple of great scenes
in The Towering Inferno.

- Wait a minute.
- Chuck Connors?

He was a basketball player,
and he was in Roots.

Yeah, he wasn't in
The Towering Inferno, you dumb beaver.

What? I didn't say nothing.

- Dad, who is it?
- O.J. Simpson.

- Who's that?
- O.J. Simpson on Spooner Street?

Now, that's a story
I can sink my teeth into.

Stick around.

Peter, why in the world would you want
to play golf with O.J. Simpson?

Why not, Lois? He's the Juice.
One of the greatest football players ever.

Peter, he murdered two people.

- What?
- He brutally killed...

...his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson
and her friend Ron Goldman.

- O.J. Simpson?
- Yes.

- Was this in the news?
- Yes, Peter. It was all over the news.

Wait. If he killed two people,
how come he's not in jail?

- He was acquitted.
- Oh, there you go. Everything's fine.

Well, Peter, it's generally believed
that the jury made a mistake.

You're saying all those guys
in their powdery wigs...

...and their pilgrim hats
and their big gross wives were wrong?

Man, they'd have to be stupider than
you are when you fart yourself awake.

Hello? What the...? What?
Who's there? What's going on?

Whatever's happening here,
just knock it off.

So I, Peter Griffin, will be playing
one free round of golf tomorrow...

...with the one and only O.J. Simpson.

What? Peter, you can't play golf
with O.J. Simpson. He's a murderer.

Oh, you sound just like Lois.
No, no, Joe, I don't believe you.

Oh, yeah? Well, say that after
a soul-searching walk around town...

...to "Dust in the Wind. "

Oh, my God, Joe, you're right.
O.J. Simpson is a murderer.

What am I gonna do?
I'm playing golf with him tomorrow.

Well, now, wait a minute, Peter. This
may be an unprecedented opportunity.

Maybe you could wear a wire,
get O.J. To confess...

...and we could tape the whole thing.

Imagine it: Peter Griffin,
the guy who took down O.J.

Marcia Clark sure couldn't do it,
that dumb beaver.

Hey. I wasn't even there. I was building
a Canadian dam at the time.

Did you know that beavers
affect their ecosystem...

...more than any other animal?

Except man.

Ha-ha-ha. He was in our house earlier.

Now, remember, Peter...

...we're gonna be here in the van
if anything goes wrong.

Just try to get O.J. Talking
about the murders.

Do you think he'd be offended
if I asked him to sign this basketball?

- Yeah, I think he'd be very offended.
- Oh.

All right, Joe. Can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Peter.

Oh, man, I don't think I can do this.
Joe, say something to relax me.

That's right, Peter.

Thanks. I feel better.

- Are you Peter Griffin?
- That's my name. Don't put a knife in it.

Nice to meet you.
Come on, let's tee off.

Damn it. Will you look at these
golf shoes? They're all scuffed up.

My wife was supposed to polish them,
but, clearly, she forgot.

Man, sometimes I just feel like
I could just stab her repeatedly. Heh.

White women, huh? Jewish waiters too.

I got this Jewish waiter one time.
He was awful. Didn't tip him.

You ever do anything bad
to a Jewish waiter?

What's that, Peter? I'm sorry.
I was focusing on my drive.

You're doing great, Peter.
Just don't let him intimidate you.

Guys, guys, someone's getting frogged
in the clubhouse.

- Quagmire.
- She sounds fat.

You know what I like
to do sometimes, Juice?

I like to just confess things
I've done to people.

You know? Just clear my conscience.
Makes me feel a whole lot better.

- Anything you'd like to confess?
- No, not really.

Peter, we're not really hearing him
very well. Can you get closer?

Are you sure, O. J? Are you sure
you wouldn't like to confess...

...to the murders of Nicole
Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman?

What?

What the hell is that?

You're wearing a wire.

I am so murdered.

Peter, I'm hurt.
How could you deceive me like this?

- Oh, God, O.J., please don't kill me.
- Wait a minute.

Is this about that whole business
back in 1994?

- Well, yeah.
- Darn it.

That's been chasing me for 13 years.

And here I was looking forward
to a nice day of golf...

...away from all those people
who have demonized me...

...and made me out to be
some kind of bogeyman...

...even though I was found innocent
by a jury of my peers.

But what about the civil trial?

Believe me, Peter,
there was nothing civil about it.

Ha-ha-ha.
Well, that makes up for one murder.

The only thing I'm guilty of
is a few bad movies.

And that makes up for the other murder.
I am sold.

- You are so witty and charming.
- That's nice of you to say, Peter.

It's been so long since I've had a friend.

You poor fella.

Gosh, there's no way
you could've killed anybody.

Not with those sad eyes.

I'm gonna make sure
everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, everybody.
Look who I brought home.

Ten thousand rushing yards,
six Pro Bowls...

...two arrests and no convictions,
Orenthal James Simpson.

Hi, Griffins.

- Oh, my God.
- What the...?

I just think you're terrific.

O.J. Simpson?

I may be a dumb beaver,
but I'm smart enough to get out of here.

- O.J., this is my family. Family, O.J.
- It's nice to meet you all.

Hey, Peter,
you mind if I use your restroom?

No. It's upstairs and to the left.

Peter, are you out of your mind
bringing O.J. Simpson into our home?

Look, don't make that face at me, Lois.
O.J. Is innocent, all right?

- Innocent?
- Yes.

The most perfect justice system
in the world found him innocent.

- But we know he did it.
- You were there?

I didn't realize that.
You didn't do anything to stop it?

Accessory to murder.

Why are you so quick
to defend this guy?

Because he was a childhood hero, Brian.

Yes, he had a few marital problems,
but I used to look up to him.

That's it, isn't it?
You idolized O.J. Simpson as a boy...

...and you can't accept
that he's not who you thought he was.

Enough with the yappity-yap.
O.J. Is gonna stay with us in Quahog...

...until I can help him
get his life back on track.

Hi, Lois.

- Oh. Hello, O.J.
- Anything I can do to help make dinner?

Um... Sure. You can take the lasagna
out of the oven.

You got it.

Oh, wouldn't you know it? It won't fit.
Well, it's all right. How hot can it be?

Ah, ooh, ooh, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.

It's all right, O.J.
Let me get something to clean that up.

- Ooh!
- Aah!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Brian, what's the matter?

- Oh. You're alive.
- Yeah, we just had a little pasta spill.

Oh, thank God. Oh.

It's okay, Brian.

It's not the first accident
we've had in this house.

Okay, one, two...

Hang on. Hang on, Brian.
Stop the wheel. Stop the wheel.

I BM'd.

Hey, Juice.
Is it all right if I call you Juice?

Great. I was wondering
if you could give me advice...

...on how to murder a woman
and get away with it.

Cool. Look at that. Hey, Chris, go long.

- Touchdown!
Good grief.

What are you doing, O. J?

Well, I got no money left
to pay off my civil-suit debt...

...so I'm making a god's eye
to send to Fred Goldman.

It's kind of nice, right?
Better than nothing.

He's got money to buy tongue depressors
and yarn, but not enough to pay us back?

You know how much mustache cream
that could've bought?

I don't like the mustache, Fred.
Nobody likes the mustache.

- That's why we lost the trial.
- That's not true.

- Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
- I'm Diane Simmons.

Our top story: Quahog, Rhode Island,
known for quaint neighborhoods...

...white, sandy beaches,
and harboring bloodthirsty murderers?

That's right, Tom.

Former murderer O.J. Simpson
has moved to Quahog.

We don't have footage of the murder,
but we can show you what happened...

...thanks to this re-enactment
by the Quahog Opera Company.

I love you, Nicole

But I must confess

To some trepidation

For I am a lonely waiter

Who loves a lass above his station

But soft, Ron

My husband draws near

Nicole

I'm back from filming
The third Naked Gun movie

Oh, horror

You have betrayed me

Al Cowling said it would be so

Kato

I didn't see a thing

Well, it looks like this is one more town
the media's run me out of.

Now, wait a second. You can't let them
tell you how to live your life.

You've been running for too long.

I say you let people get to know you
the way I have.

- You really think that's possible?
- Of course it is.

We'll throw a big party
and invite everybody in town.

And I promise they'll accept you.

Peter, I really appreciate this,
but are you sure people are ready?

Absolutely. This party will give you
a chance to get to know everybody...

...and give them a chance
to get to know the real O.J. Simpson.

Peter, do you really expect
anyone to show up?

Sure, I do.
Look, here comes a bunch of people.

Wow, what a turnout.

Peter, that's not a group
of enthusiastic party guests.

That's an angry mob.

We don't want you in our town,
Simpson.

- We don't love you like we did in 1993.
- D'oh!

And as for you, O.J.,
we don't want you here either.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Anyone who wants a piece of O.J.
Has to get by me.

No, Peter. This is my fight,
and I'll be the one to fight it.

Look at you all. Look what you're doing.

Why, you're no better
than what you've made me out to be.

Sure, I've made some mistakes
in my life.

I forget to take the trash out some days.

I've left the toothpaste cap
on the bathroom counter.

I've taped football games
without the express written consent...

...of the National Football League.

I guess what I'm saying is,
I'm not perfect.

The only difference is
I have the courage to admit it.

Does anyone else have the courage?

If so, why don't you just
come on up here and join me?

He's right. I'm not perfect.

I suppose I'm not either.

- Yeah, I guess none of us are perfect.
- Boy, do I feel like a jerk.

- Me too.
- I think we owe you an apology, O.J.

You see? None of us are perfect.

Oh, I guess he did do it.