Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Man with Two Brians - full transcript

We now return to Jackass.

Hello. My name's Johnny Knoxville...

...and I'm gonna take
a shotgun blast to the face.

Okay, ready?

God.

These guys are hilarious.
They do so much funny stuff.

Hey, you know what?

We should try some of that stuff
here at home.

I don't know.
That skull-and-crossbones warning...

...before the show was pretty clear
about not doing that.

Cleveland, shut up. I saw something
on TV that I wanna imitate.



Peter, what are you...?

What are you boys doing up there?
Get off the roof.

Go back in the house, Lois.
We're being Jackass. Ready?

We're rolling.

I'm Peter Griffin,
and this is Shopping-Cart Roof...

Roof-Shopping-Cart Guys.

Okay, go.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- My God.
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I don't know. I don't know.
What does it look like?

What do I do? What do...? Aah.

What is that? What is that?
I feel something.

It's your spine, dude. It got, like,
yanked up a bunch of notches.

I'm scared. I'm scared.
I'm scared. I'm scare...



- Aah! Oh, God!
- Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Ice now, heat later.

I'm Glenn Quagmire,
and this is Bee Bush.

All right, what'd you do
to yourself, Quagmire?

Well, I just covered
my entire private area with honey.

Now we're just waiting
for the bees. Heh.

- Giggity.
- All right, here they come.

Heh. Okay. Okay, they're on there.
Let's just...

Just... Nobody move.
All right? Nobody do nothing.

Just... Don't wanna make them mad.

Ha-ha-ha.
- Stop it. Stop it. Knock it off.

We wouldn't want the bees to get mad.
I hate you, bees.

- I hate you, bees.
- Oh, stop it.

- I hate you, bees.
- Knock it off. I'm serious. Stop.

- I hate you, bees.
- Stop. That's enough.

Just get them off.
Put them back in the hive.

Yeah, enough is enough.
Cleveland, open the hive.

All right, Quagmire,
bring them over here.

Oh, my.

Aah! What the fuck?
Why would you do that?

Hey, you guys,
Lois says it's time for dinner.

Peter, this is not safe at all.
- Shut up, Brian. Just keep filming.

I'm Peter Griffin,
and I am the Greatest American Hero.

My special power is being somehow
memorable after a very short run on TV.

- Get some, Peter!
- Nice job on that ramp, Joe.

- Lf there's one thing I know, it's ramps.
- Wait, guys, I think he's really hurt.

Help! Help! I think my arm is broken!

Ow! My back. I can't move.

I thought I was gonna die. Aah!

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

You know, I'd expect
this kind of behavior from you...

...but you have no business
endangering Brian like that.

- Thank you.
- He jumped into that lake...

...to try and save your life,
and he's 8 years old, Peter.

- Eight. That's 56 in human years.
- Okay, Lois.

I mean, why do you think
he almost drowned?

He's old, Peter. Plus, he drinks
and he smokes all the time.

So take that 56 and make it 79,
at least.

Why are you making such a big deal
out of this? I was just tired.

That's how it begins.
Then the next thing you know...

...I'm making Peter dig a hole,
and you're in a pillowcase.

You're out of your mind. Brian's young,
and I'm gonna prove it to you.

Hey, youthful guy.

How is your "bur-usiness" on
this aggressively redonkulous morning?

What are you talking about, Peter?

Don't you mean,
"'Tis-alking' about, P. Dudey?"

You don't have to be formal with me.
I know how you young people talk.

Peter, I'm not old,
but I'm not that young either.

We should sip Bacardi
like it's your birthday.

What does that mean?

It means that this damn thing
doesn't work at all.

- Peter, what are you doing?
- Lf movies have taught me anything...

...it's that young people are constantly
being antagonized by preppy '80s bullies.

- What?
- What are you gonna do about it?

- Peter, this doesn't make sense.
- You know what doesn't make sense?

Some new-kid jerk moving into my town
and being worse than me at karate.

- Peter, you don't know karate.
- Stay away from Muffy.

She's my girlfriend.
She just doesn't know it yet.

Excuse me,
I gotta go get yelled at by my father...

...because we're more alike
than we know.

- Peter, did you have fun with Brian?
- No, Lois, he was a wet blanket.

And I'm starting to think
you might be right. Brian's getting old.

He's not the dog he used to be,
and I'll have to get used to it.

Just like I got used to my acrylic nails.

Stanion, Winestock and Riesman.

Hey, LaRonda.

No, I got four people on hold,
but I can talk.

Good morning, everybody.
Brian, I have something to say.

I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied
with your age.

Well, look, Peter, don't worry.
Let's just forget about it.

Fantastic. And to help us
forget about it, family...

...I'd like to introduce New Brian.

Hey, gang.

Whose leg do you have to hump
to get a hug around here?

Oh, I like him.

- You got a new dog?
- Yes, sir.

- But I'm the dog.
- Well, now that you're getting older...

...New Brian's here
to take some of the load off.

- Can he do tricks?
- Oh, you bet.

He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make
you feel really good about yourself.

Wow, Meg and Chris. I can't decide
which one of your hats I like better.

I can't believe you got a new dog.
What about me?

Hey, you're still my buddy.

New Brian is just a new friend
for the family.

You guys are gonna get along better
than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.

Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's
getting a little high.

Yeah. I used to have a guy
for that, dick.

Okay, now, you have a good one.

My word,
what a gorgeous way to wake up.

I hope you don't mind.

I checked the time
your alarm was set for, and I shut it off.

I figured this might be
a more gentle way to start the day.

Oh, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.

I'll start up again in nine minutes.

Hey, Meg. I know how you like
to let off steam once in a while.

- So I got you a journal.
- You got me a journal?

Actually, I got you two of them:
My right ear and my left ear.

Fire away.

Dear diary: Today, at the school library,
I saw a picture in National Geographic...

...of a woman with nipples
that cover most of her breasts too.

- And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.
- You know what it sounds like to me?

Sounds like the woman in that picture
was pretty beautiful.

All right, I'll see you at dinner.

- Think fast.
- Wow, deodorant.

- Are you sure I'm old enough?
- Oh, I think so.

I'm gonna make you
a little less gross every day.

- Hey, New Brian. Oh, you have a guitar.
- Yep.

In fact, I wrote a new song today,
and I wanna hear what you think of it.

Where did you find the time for that?

Peter, inspiration
doesn't have a schedule.

I don't like fancy learning books

I don't like apple tarts

I don't like cozy breakfast nooks

I don't like modern arts

Well, I like farts

Ah!

Yes, I like farts

I like long farts, short farts

Wet farts, your farts
I like farts

- If you've got heart
- Oh, I've got heart

- Let's hear those farts
- How do I start?

Well, Peter
I will help you get your farting started

Brian, I went out for a run this morning,
and I found this stick.

- I thought you might like it.
- Wow, thanks a lot.

And I got you this bag of weed.

I don't smoke it myself,
but I sure won't judge you.

- Gosh, thanks.
- Check you later, handsome guy.

Well, I wasn't sure
about this new-dog thing at first...

...but I gotta tell you,
he's a really terrific guy.

You poor damn fool.

- What?
- You have no idea what's going on here.

He's not just a delightful new friend
for the family.

- He's your replacement.
- Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.

You're getting old, and they know it.
You're no longer the cover girl.

Look at Carol Alt. That's what...
You're Carol Alt.

- I'm through listening to you.
- Fine.

Think what you want,
aging supermodel Carol Alt.

Carol, come in here.

They're saying your name
on the Family Man.

What?
Huh?

- What?
- Huh?

- What?
I forget.

And besides, Brian, the evidence
is all right in front of your nose.

Ha-ha-ha. That's hilarious, New Brian.

Now do your impression
of Punky Brewster's father.

Punky.

- Oh, Punky.
- Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Punky,
you have a dog named Brandon.

"Hi. I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip. "

They did it again.

Who?
- The Family Man.

Is that the one with the fish?
- No, that's American Boy!.

Okay. Relax, Brian.

There's no way they'd replace you.
But it couldn't hurt to remind them...

...how much they value you
as a family member.

- Hey, buddy.
- Uh...

- Hey.
- I just wanted to check in with you.

You know,
sometimes life happens so fast...

...we miss the most important part,
which is sharing it.

- Uh-huh.
- You see, Chris, I care about you.

And if there's ever anything
you ever wanna talk about...

...or if you just want some company,
I'm here for you.

- So how's it hanging?
- Uh...

- Okay.
- Hey, what do you got here?

Oh, Maxim.
That Jessica Biel sure is a cutie.

You were masturbating
when I came in.

Yeah.

- So how's it hang...?
- Get out!

Gotcha.

Okay, everybody,
tonight, I've got a real treat for you.

We've all seen
your compilation video, Brian:

Shatner singing "Rocket Man," drunk
Orson Welles doing that commercial...

...Sylvester Stallone in that porno,
and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.

- I don't remember that last one.
- It's freaking brutal.

For no reason, you know?

Poor guy's sitting there
eating his Snack Pack.

Bill Cosby runs in out of nowhere
and starts wailing on him.

Didn't that guy die?

These are home movies
from when I was a puppy.

- He died.
- Okay, look, just watch.

Aww...

Oh, look at him sleep.

Oh, I wonder
what he's dreaming about.

Shut up, Meg.

Oh, did you hear that?

- He farted.
- Just like in the song.

Aah! What the hell is the matter
with you? Outside. Outside now.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but...

Wait a minute,
I love saying I told you so. Ha. Doy.

Ha. " Hey, Stewie Griffin,
meet Stewie Griffin. "

Ha. "Nice to meet you. "
"Charmed, I'm sure. "

"Great outfit. " "Oh, go on. "
"No, it is. "

So what if there's a new dog?
Lots of families have two dogs.

I thought maybe
we could spend the afternoon together.

- Really? That'd be great.
- Awesome.

- Because, uh, I got this new gun.
- Here we go.

I thought we could go deep in the woods
where no one would ever think to look.

Oh, boy.

- And, uh, just shoot it.
- Awkward.

You know, like so far in
that no one can hear gunfire.

- A little on the nose.
- Or screaming.

Uh... I don't think so, Peter.

It's like he thinks
I'm gonna shoot him.

He's acting all crazy,
like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me.

- Hello?
Hey. What are you doing?

- Quagmire, I'm sleeping.
- Yeah, I was just out with Joe.

- What are you doing?
- I just told you.

Oh, that's right. I just asked that.

I forgot. Hey.
Hey, this song made me think of you.

So li... Wait. Listen to this song.

Isn't that awesome?

You said you weren't
gonna call him.

It's not him, you big bully.

Joe told me not to call you.
So, what are you doing?

Everyone,
I have an announcement to make.

- I've decided I'm leaving.
- What? Leaving? Brian, why?

Well, you know, I feel like
I've sort of run my course here.

And, you know, besides,
there's a whole big world out there...

...and it's time I saw it.

But, Brian, you live here.
This is your home.

I know, but I've thought about this
long and hard, and...

Ha-ha-ha. "Long and hard. "

I'm sorry, Brian.
Please, please, continue.

- This is just something I have to do.
- Well, where will you go?

Well, I haven't decided that yet,
but I promise I'll be in touch.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Wait, how is that one dirty?

It's... I was remembering
"long and hard. "

Well, if your mind is made up about this,
Brian, then I wish you the best of luck.

I hope this move
won't be a boner for you.

- Peter?
- Hmm?

- What?
- I was just saying to Brian:

- "I hope this move won't be a boner. "
- I would agree.

- I hope he finds what he's looking for.
- Okay.

Well, we're gonna miss you, Brian.

Hey, everybody,
let's watch this tape. Okay.

There's the midget just sitting there.
Watch the left side of the screen.

I'm in a bad mood,
and I'm gonna take it out on you.

Oh, my God.
Well, he's obviously drunk.

Ow! Ow! You're hurting me.

About which I do not care very much.

- Pancake?
- Oh, just a small one, thanks. Mm.

My God, these are the best pancakes
I've ever had.

And I've been to IHOP.

These are the best pancakes
I've ever had.

And I've been to Applebee's.

These are the best pancakes
I've ever had.

And I've been to Denny's.

These pancakes are okay.

Oh, boy.
I bet Brian would love these pancakes.

- I wonder where he is.
- He's next door with Cleveland.

I saw him on my morning paper route.

I appreciate you
letting me stay with you...

...but I'm perfectly capable
of going to the bathroom by myself.

Sorry, but there's a leash law
in this neighborhood...

...and you never know
who's watching.

I'm watching you make stool.

Hey, New Brian.
Oh, I see you're having pie.

You know, pie isn't really pie
without Cool Whip.

Everything's better with Cool Whip.

- Did you hear what I said?
- What about it?

It doesn't bother you
the way I pronounce it? "Cool Whip"?

- No. Why would it?
- Cool Whip.

- I'm putting emphasis on the H.
- Sounds right to me.

- Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
- No, not really.

I like everything.

God, he's a bigger buzz kill
than Buzz Killington.

Stewie, do you know
why W.S. Gilbert...

...was frequently drunk
on his transatlantic crossings?

No.

Because he was quartered
on the portside.

Now that I've got you...

...let's both revisit the birth
of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.

Two, three.

- Okay, New Brian, you're next.
- Ha-ha-ha. Oh, no. Oh, boy. All right.

Well, I can't do this alone.
Lois, I'm gonna need your help here.

Oh, my God. Uh-oh.

Okay. Rita Coolidge's
less-talented sister here.

In what way is that a joke?

- Okay. You start.
- Okay.

All right. I don't know...
Am I blue or am I red?

- You're blue. You're blue.
- This is crazy. Okay, I'll do it, then.

Thanks for letting me stay here.

- I hope I'm not in the way.
- No, no. Should be fine. Um...

But, uh, listen, Brian...

...I'm gonna be bringing
a Puerto Rican girl over here later...

...and she's super hot and real nice.

But when she was 5 years old...

...her dad ran over one of her legs
with his van...

...and it's still kind of messed up
in a pretty obvious, instantly visible way.

Um... Please don't say anything.

And try to make eye contact with her
when she wobbles in...

...because I want this to work.
- Uh...

Yeah, sure. No problem.

I'm serious, Brian,
that leg is a train wreck.

I mean, she herself is so pretty...

...but that thing just looks like a string
of sausages with one empty casing in it.

- I get it.
- It's quite a sight, you know?

When she's not looking, you should
take a look at it, but be discreet.

Yeah, I'll, uh...

I'll check that out.

- Stewie, what are you doing here?
- Brian, you gotta come back.

- Why?
- Because New Brian is such a tool.

I mean, he's so damn sweet
and saccharine and perfect...

...and he's turning the family
into a bunch of douches.

Well, big deal.
You always told me I was a douche.

Yeah. But you were my douche, Brian.
My douche.

Come back and be my douche again.

- Hi. I'm looking for Glenn.
- Oh, what happened to your leg?!

Damn it, Brian.

Come back home, Brian.

When this is all over, I'll make you some
pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip.

There it is again. Why are you putting
so much emphasis on the H?

That's exactly why I miss you, Brian.

Forget it. I'm not going back
as long as that new dog is there.

As long as he's a part of that family,
there's no place for me.

Well, I can't say I blame you.
I hate him as much as you do, Brian.

He's a bad fit.
Like a crocodile at an alligator rally.

Yeah, lurking in the water
with our eyes poking out.

Yeah.

Sneaking up on a crane or an egret
and snapping our jaws on it.

Yeah.

And sometimes walking out
onto a dry plain or dusty field...

...because it's nice to get out
of the swamp now and then.

- Yeah...
- Wait.

- What?
- What? Huh?

Dry plain? Dusty field?
Nice to get out of the swamp?

What a croc.

And that's where we get the term.

Hey, New Brian. Bad news.
You gotta leave.

Huh? What are you talking about?
This is my home.

Nobody likes you here.

Well, I disagree.
I think everybody likes me.

No, we don't. We don't like your
cooking, your stupid karaoke nights...

...and we especially don't like the way
you hump that chair in the den.

Well, Rupert seems
to like my humping.

- What did you say?
- Rupert.

Humped him for two hours yesterday.
He just laid there and took it.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

And now every time you're sleeping
with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.

"And that is why I killed myself,
chopped myself up...

...and put myself in the garbage. "

- Wow, he must've had some demons.
- Oh, my God. Suicide?

How could we have misjudged him
so severely?

Oftentimes it's the ones
who seem the happiest.

Well, the upside is,
at least we have our old Brian back.

From now on, buddy,
you're the only animal I care about.

Hey, everybody.
I'm Bernie the Hamster.

- Would you like to be my friend?
- Oh, my G...

It's okay, Peter.

Yay! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's a hamster.

We'll talk about it
when you want to talk about it.

I don't blame you.

I... I don't blame you.