Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven - full transcript

Season 7 episode 11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Timing n' transcript: Nicholas and Bj_jam

The annual Quahog Star Trek convention.

Where once a year sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of the loaded gun
and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight

This sucks mum, why are we even here?

Honey, your father's been waiting all year for this

Especially since he's got kicked out off the last one

Yes, I have a question for captain Kirk.

In an episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?

Brian look, I purchase a frantic(?) blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter.

That's great Stewie, you should get William Shatner to sign them for you.



No way, I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it

Picard has it all over Kirk

He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a chip rug

Rather he excepts even boldness with a quiet cool that says:

I am in command, you are safe with me.

I will cradle you in my arms though any crisis in any galaxy.

- Are you queer?
- Probably

Dad, this is stupid! I'm so bored!

How can you be bored? This convention has everything!

You can even try LeVar Burton's visor!

Why would he wear this? Who would invent this for him?

And in conclusion.

Whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars - follow your heart.

And.. make it so.



.... says on TV

Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.

Oh, yes, so many questions. Me, me!

Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!

Yes, you there.

Yes, I have a question.

Um, often times my household's sponges accumulate
an awful amount of buildup.

- What can I do to prevent this?
- That's an exellent question.

It's very important to thoroughly wrign out your sponges after every usage.

This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria

A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

That not a Star Trek question!

I have a question for Jonathan Frakes

I have this itch on the back of my leg.
And I cant figure out if it's a bug bite or a dry skin?

- Do you take hot showers?
- Yes.

- Dry skin.
- Thanks.

It aren't Star Trek questions, what the hell?

I have a question for Gates McFadden

I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy.

- Any suggestions?
- I would check the point first, before ... it

But remember that the summer months take a particular
... any regions aqua... depending on a local climate.

- This is all s***
- And that's a last question

Thank you for coming you've been wonderful.

You bastards. I'll get my question answer one way or another

Oh my God, what a great costume!

Meg, Meg! Come take here a picture with space alien guy!

- No dad, I don't want to!
- Come on, it'll be funny.

What a wonderful novelty photo this will make.

Thank you so much buddy. Hey, how did you make that awesome mask?

It's not a mask, I have the mumps.

What? You came to the Star Trek convention with the mumps,

you could be infecting people with a desease!

Yeah, like the old gipsy did the Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.

Thiker

Well, Meg has the mumps allright.

How is it? She was never immunised.

Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with
anything that didn't involved Dan Cortese

- Besides, what's a big deal? I never got a momps shot.
- Really?

Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps
... adult could result a serious complications.

And some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glans

Big deal, so I wear socks.

Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.

- Oh, where are they?
- Under your penis.

Are you kidding? I was thought thouse were two
little sandbags to keep floadwaters from floating into my bum

No, no. I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

I don't think you realize the danger

Like the people who think it's OK to bring shampoo on the airplane.

So I told Branda:

I work hard, I like a clean house when I come home.

And now I'm the bad guy.

-Oh, I know exacltly what you...
- Oh, It's in my eyes!

See, Chris, come here, come here, look. Check it out.

- Holy crap, no way!
- I know, classic!

I gotta forward this to my bud.

Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day, but

father's bringing in the old TV.
- Hey Meg!

- Piter, what the hell?
- I don't wanna catch the mumps, Lois.

Here is your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there is no remote
and only gets one channel and it's not a ... channel right now.

Chris, check it out. Jackass number two.

This whole day is been one big laugh riot

- Finally!
- Up next Kirk Cameron.

- To talk about God.
- Aww.

Hi, welcome to the Religion channel number one show.

"Kirk and a Lord" just hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron.

Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you.

- Even in the worst of times.
- No thanks.

But first, are you lonely, unappreciated?

Not totally happy with your phisycal appearance?
- Go on.

Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you?

Meg, your mother made soup for you

Here you go honey.

Or you know who loves you? The Lord.

Here's your milk!

Rupert, my transporter is complete.

If my calculations are correct the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
will soon be here to anwser all my questions!

Wait a minute, something's wrong.

Allright, you girls ready?

What's goin on? Don't you laugh at it?

Good morning mom and dad!

Wow, look who's finally out of room after five days.

- So you feel better Meg?
- I'll better mom.

I was made well by a hand of God.

This is a day that the Lord have (half?) made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

- Meg, what are you talking about?
- I'm talking about God mom, I've been reborn.

That's right folks this gonna be a Meg episode. Stick arounf for a fun.

Here's the clicker. No one will(?) blame you.

- What do you mean you found a Lord?
- I've been washed in a blood of a lamb

Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my saviour.

Is that damn religion channel? She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.

I want to share the word of God with everyone I know.
Starting with my family.

Now, everyone hold hands because we are gonna say grace before we eat.

Dad, would you like to do the honors?

Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine.

All right Piter, this is it.

Dear Lod, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"

I have been stuck on "Bold Ball" for four years.

I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out.

And you know, they say you suppose to go
Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu...

Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

All right, let's try this again.

It's them. I did it!

The cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
is here to anwser my questions!

- What the hell, where am I?
- What's goin on?

Greeting everyone, my name is Stewie Griffin.

I've transported you all here against you will.

I'm a huge fan. And you are going to answer all my questions.

- But.. you are baby.
- Yes, that's right Denise Crosby.

That was a warning. Please,
do not speak unless you are spoken to.

Now. Question number one.

What's it like on the set?

The show's been off the air for fifteen years

All do I will say it was an awful lot of fun.

You know what Patrick wasn't(?) hugging the limelight.

Oh fuck you Michael! Fifteen years later you still got that attitude.

Oh my God! I'm already having a fantastic time.

- Let's spend a day together!
- Hey, that sounds like fun!

- Shut up Wil.
- Stop it Patrick!

- You know, I think you should all be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton
- The way I treat my...

- Wait, what?
- I said you ought to be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton

- You mean Wil Wheaton?
- Yes, Hwil Hwheaton.

Why are you saing it like that?

What? I'm just saying, you should be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.
Hwil Hwheaton seems like a nice guy.

- Say "wheet"
- Wheet.

- Now, say Wil Wheaton
- Hwil Hwheaton

- Wil Wheaton
- Hwil Hwheaton

- Wil Wheaton
- Hey, did you hook up with Whoopi Goldberg on the show?

All the time.

- Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.

It's time for Kirk Cameron!

And I think it's important for all of you to hear his
inspiring message about the word of God.

Oh, again Meg?

You know I think it's wonderful you found something to have
faith in but this is such a thing is moderation.

Mum, you sound like a nonbeliaver.

Brian, you're thoughtful person.

Are you willing to open youself up to God's truth?

Oh, you here barking up the wrong tree, Meg, I'm an atheist.

- What's that?
- I.. don't believe in God.

What? Brian?

- How can you say that?
- Why? I just thought

you knew. I mean, I never go to church.

You know how I feel about that.

Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but

we believe in God in this house,

I mean an atheist... that's just about the worst thing a person can be!

You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian!

- Guys, I'm just trying to say..
- Shut up beast!

I have dominion over you and I command you to believe in God!

I'm sorry, I just don't see any evidence.

I mean, look at the Hubble telescope

It's discodered untold wonders of the vast unexplored universe

But not one picture of a guy with a beer is sitting around on the cloud.

I mean what's he doing up there?

You know, you keep talking like that God's gonna get you, Brian

He's gonna get you with a Kodak disc.

Oh God's gonna get you with the Kodak disc!

I'm sorry. Were we talking about?

Hey! Where the hell is my van?

Stewie, I'm not really much the fast food eater.

Yeah? Can you read my mind?

Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?
I'm thinking "Shut up and get a salad"

- I wan some McNuggets!
- We'll get to you, Brant.

I'm wanna hamburger. No, a cheeseburger.

- I wanna hotdog, I wanna milk shake
- You'll get nothing and like it!

- Hello?
- Yes, welcome to MacDonald's. Can I help you?

... frequency is open, huh?

Oh yeah, we gonna get two MacChicken
sandwiches and and a diet coke and..

- What do you want Michael?
- A McDeal tea

No, I already told you they don't make those anymore!

You know, sometimes it's original thing.

- You could ask.
- No MacDonald's anywhere makes a McDeal tea anymore!

- I'd love a shamrock shake if they got any of those.
- It's september Johnathan!

Stewie, can I take this fucking headband off?

No LeVar, you blind, that's the only way you can see.

Just saying they have all the ingredients for a McDeal.

Just hand on, allright? There's a lot of us, it, there's a lot of.. It's a big order!

- What time do this(?) stop serving breakfast?
- It's 3 o'clock!

- Some of them serve breakfast allday.
- NO ONE SERVE BREAKFAST ALLDAY!

Do they have beer?

Hey Brian! In ... you'll open your heart to God

I wanna to give you this cross.

- No, I don't wanna cross.
- Would you want it if I throw it over there?

- No, please don't do that.
- You gonna get it boy!

- No, please, no.
- Go get it boy!

Okay, give it back now!

Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me

But unfortunately he's not available

So, I got his younger brother from "Growing Pains"

Would you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?

Don't youu wanna tell Brian about Jesus?

They got my picture up at the drug store
and they won't sell me any Sudafed.

I'll make ... while.

What have I told you about any sexual favors ...

Look, Meg. I have enough of this. You not gonna convert me.

But Brian! I just want you to fell the joy that I feel

I mean the Church makes me feel excepted and safe

And part of something bigger that myself.

But Meg, you don't need it outside voice to feel those feelings,
they're inside you.

What you call "God" is inside you, all of us.

And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other
over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enoung to understand.

- You see what I'm saying?
- Oh I do Brian

And I think I know just what to do.

Good evening, I'm Tom Taker. Our top story tonight.

Just when you thought the world couldn't be anymore dangerous

Channel 5 News has discovered that there is an atheist among us.

Local church goer and juniour christian soldier Meg Griffin

has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street

Here's the reaction from City Hall.

Shocking they say the least (?)

I'd rather have a terrorist living on our ...

At least they belive in a God. Even if it's a smelly brown God.

Meg, how the hell could you do something like this?

If are men have ears let them hear, Brian!

Allright, what's the worth that can happen,
this is twenty first century, people are tolerant

Well, this is nothing, probably just a random act of violence.

I thought only he without sin could cast the first Pries(?)(???????? ??? ?????? ?????)

Huh, my God. There was a close one.

Brian, what happened?

I'm a ... , Lois

Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist
I'm the most hated person in town.

I try to rent a movie and they throw me out.
I try to buy a pack of cigarettes and they throw me out.

The most serious part of this no bar would serve me a drink!

Well if you ask me me, I think laying off the souse could do you some good Brian.

Yeah, right. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen.

I hope he finds faith a some kind.

You know, (who?) doesn't have all this problems? Marmaduke.

Only does is it pies after high counter (???)

Next time around we gonna get ourselves a big tall pie-eaten dog, Lois

- Okay Piter.
- Oh how it huge, let's get how it huge!

Great, we have a game plan.

Hold it together, Brian, hold it together.

Come on! You know you want to drink.

Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us!

Come on, drink me! What are you waitng for?

Yeah you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips surround in take a big gulp.

Get to the chopper!

Allright, everybody got your bowling shoes, everybody got your balls.

I don't have my shoes.

- Johnathan, we were just up in the counter, why didn't you get the shoes?
- I don't have my shoes either.

- What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl.
- Now, why exactly can I not wear my ...?

- What is the danger there?
- Because, Patrick, because, Patrick!

- Those are the rules.
- Well I think it's just because they want another dollar fifty from me.

Allright, I'm putting our names in.

- Brant..
- No-no don't put Brant

- Put Rock Kickass
- I don't know how to change it, I already typed it in!

For mine put Dirt Tickler

I'm not gonna put everyone with a fake name!

How do you wanna do the teams?

- How about the white guys against the black guys?
- Patrick, don't be an instigator.

- I have to pee.
- Brant, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Okay.

Look at me! I've got goal boobs!

Hey Meg! Guess what?

I've seen the light.

- Really?
- Yes, hallelujah I believe in God. Lordy-lordy, I believe.

Brian, that's fantastic news!

I know, I know. Hey, you might spreading the news around town, say

maybe down at the liquor store, maybe down at the Clam

of course Brian, but first we have work to do

God's work. And God will be happy that you joining me.

Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the bible.

With wine. Red wine. You know, like Jesus drank.

- Do you like the wine?
- Very much, what is it?

Take a guess

I have to leave.

Naaah, sit down.

Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg.

I feel the warm healing liquid presence of God's genuine cold filtered grace.

It was my pleasure Brian.

And now, we get to do the work of the Lord.

- Come on!
- What? What are we doing?

God's will Brian.

- A book burning?
- Come on! Grab in arm fool!

We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God!

Meg, I can't be a part of this. And either should you.

What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian!

Well, to be honest I lied for boose, but Meg, you're smart girl

You're to be able see that what's going on here is wrong!

You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian!

Ok, fine. Then let me just ask you this.

If there were God would if he put you here on
Earth with so flat chest and a fat ass?

-I'm made in his image?
- Really?

Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois
and then have you grow up looking like Piter?

Well..

And what kind of God would put you in a house where
no one respects or cares about you?

Not even enough to get you a damn momps shot!

Oh, no!

You're right, Brian! You're right!

I'm sorry Meg.

But what is there to believe in without God?

Where the answers come from?

Oh that's all part of the human experiance. It's what we're here to find out.

And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence

is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

Rob?

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I swear I heard something.

There is nothing under your bed.

There is nothing in the closet.

There are no such things as monsters.

Alright?

- Alright I guess.
- Good.

Now, try to go to sleep, cause we getta get up in the morning and make movies.

We're big Hollywood actors.

Yeah we are!

This was exhausting.

This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.

You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me

You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I've

ever had the misfortune of spending an extending period of time with

I hope you all *** die.

I still have five price tickets from the carnaval.

There was nothing for five tickets, we've been over this!

Well, but LeVar and I were going to pull eyes for the Fuzzy Troll pencil topper

- Oh yeah? You gonna share that?
- Yeah, we were gonna share it!

- Really? How that gonna work?
- Three days in my house, three days in LeVar's and alternating sundays.

For a pencil topper?

- I have to pee again.
- That's it. Goodbye.