Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - Love Blactually - full transcript

Come on. People are gonna start showing
up for the costume party any minute.

- Hey, nice Snoopy costume, Brian.
- Thanks. Aah!

It's not true what they say:
Punch Snoopy in the stomach...

...as hard as you can
and he won't feel it.

- That's Houdini.
- No, Brian.

- Now, get up and do the dance.
- I'm not gonna do the dance.

- Do the dance!
- Ahh...

Hey, Quagmire. Oh, cool.
You dressed like Napoleon Dynamite.

Do you say anything funny?

No. I do quirky things
for the sake of being quirky.

You strike me as someone
I wouldn't enjoy but others might.



- Who are you dressed as, Peter?
- Laura Bush.

And I'm the guy she killed.

That's right. I forgot.
Laura Bush killed a guy.

Yes, she did. Laura Bush killed a guy.

Laura Bush killed a guy.

Well, come on in.

Oh, you know, this is why you...

Brian, remember
the last couple of weeks I kept saying:

"Can I have a couple minutes
of your time to talk to you?"

This is what it was about.

- This evening is ruined.
- Look... Wait, what?

This evening is ruined.
The whole evening is ruined.

- Why are you saying it like that?
- I'm pointing out the party's ruined.

You know what,
I'm not gonna get sucked into this.



Okay, just so I'm sure. Really?

Are you trying to piss me off?
Or is that how you say that?

- I'm talking about this ruined evening.
- That's not how you say ruined.

- Ruin?
- What do you call the remains...

...of Greek structures?
- Ruins.

- How would you describe this evening?
- This evening is ruined.

- Say ruined.
- Ruined.

- Ruined.
- Ruined.

- Ruined.
- Ruined.

- Dumb-ass.
- Oh, Brian. Don't be cruel.

That's a great costume, Joe.

- Are you FDR?
- No, I'm Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.

- Like if he dove into the shallow end?
- No, regular Mark Spitz.

- Are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?
- No, I'm Mark Spitz.

He won seven gold medals!

Oh, I get it.
You're crippled Magnum P.I.

Oh, look, Lois, I appreciate it,
but I'm not into fix-ups.

Oh, come on.
You gotta get yourself back out there.

Jane, this is Brian.

Oh, Brian.
Lois has told me so much about you.

You're even more handsome
than she said.

Hey, thanks.

So, uh, that's a great costume.

What are you,
one of Freddy Krueger's victims?

I'm a victim of the liberal agenda.
I'm a murdered fetus.

Did you know Democrats murder
thousands of babies every year?

Sometimes babies
are put back into the womb...

...so that they can be aborted again.

- You ever had sex that was voluntary?
- No, I have not.

Yeah, have a good evening.
Come on, buddy, let's go.

Yep, with a capital C.

Oh, stop looking so depressed, Brian.

I'm sure one day you'll meet a girl
who loves abortion as much as you.

That's not the point, Stewie. I'm just
tired of every girl I meet being crazy.

Things will work out for you.
Now, come on.

Let's forget our problems
and get lost in the world of books.

Ooh. "Horton Hears Domestic Violence
in the Next Apartment...

...and Doesn't Call 911. "

You think it's easy working?
You think I like it?

I don't think it's easy,
but you like it.

I like being away from you
because I can't stand looking at you.

You... Aah!
Yeah.

You think I wanna do that?
You think I wanna hurt you?

Not in front of the baby! Aah!
I don't wanna hurt you!

- I'm sure there's two sides to this.
You make me hurt you!

- Whoops.
- I'm sorry.

I don't think you want this book.

- It's all about atheism.
- Oh, I know. I'm an atheist.

Really? So am I.

It's all yours.
I feel bad taking the last copy.

Well, there's one way to settle this.

If there is a God, send another copy.

- I guess that's our answer. Ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Tell you what. How about I take it
and send it to you after?

- Swear to God?
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Stop it.
- Ha-ha. I know. I'm just messing.

Well, uh, listen, here's my address.

Thanks. See you later.

God, still no mail for me, huh?

You've been going through the mail
every day for a week.

- What are you looking for?
- I'm expecting a package.

Another one? You haven't even opened
the one that came for you a week ago.

You idiot.
Why didn't you tell me this was here?

Because I've been using it
as a hat weight.

- A what?
- A hat weight, Brian.

My hat kept blowing away, so I put
the package on it so I wouldn't lose it.

That's the dumbest thing I've heard. You
don't wear a hat. There's no wind here.

You, sir, owe me one new hat.

You know, uh, I was really glad
you sent me the book.

I won't lie. I came this close
to praying that I'd see you again.

Good thing you didn't.

- Who would hear it, right? Ha-ha.
- Who would hear it, right? Ha-ha.

Can I interest you in some
of our heavenly cheesecake?

No, but I'll have some of your
"there's no afterlife" souffl?.

Now we got
the waiter involved, right?

Ha-ha-ha! I love being a part of things.
I'll bring your dessert now.

Carolyn, I rarely find myself connecting
with another person like I have with you.

I'm really enjoying your company.

Oh, me too, Brian.

I had a really great time tonight, Brian.

Well, is there any reason
it has to end?

Don't do it, Brian.

What the hell?
Excuse me for a second.

Have you been hiding
in the back all evening?

I'm saving you from yourself.
You almost went in there...

...and tried to have sex with that girl.
- What's wrong with that?

That's why you can't maintain
a relationship.

You always try too soon
and end up blowing it.

- Think about it.
- God, you know, maybe you're right.

I do. I always try
and jump into the sex right away.

Maybe that's what screws things up?

You know,
I'm gonna take it slow this time.

Listen, um, I gotta go.

- Really?
- Don't worry. You'll see me again.

Good job, Brian.

Don't worry. I'll help you through this.

So you wanna get something to eat?

Can we go where the
menus have pictures?

Let's go someplace
where the menus have pictures of food.

Gosh, I really enjoyed
the movie tonight.

You knew it was gonna be
a touching comedy...

...because Robin Williams had a beard.
- Oh...

My back is so stiff
from sitting in that theater chair.

I could probably use a back rub.

- Do you mind?
- Nope, not at all.

You know, I took a Thai massage class
at the Learning Annex.

Boy, that's an awfully loud owl.

Hoo-hoo. Don't do it, Brian. Hoo-hoo.

Take it slow. Hoo-hoo.

Uh, I'll tell you
what would set you right...

...is a couple of Aleve
and a good night's sleep.

Oh. Mm... All right. If you say so.

Well, I guess I should say good night.

Hoo-hoo. Good job, Brian. Hoo-hoo.

- Hi there. Okay.
Not interested.

Ooh, tandem bike.

You gonna take a ride out in the country
and let the AIDS blow through your hair?

Get lost, Stewie.
I am getting laid tonight.

- Whoa. What happened to taking it slow?
- I have been taking it slow.

We've been going out for weeks,
I haven't tried anything.

She's been giving me
some strong signals.

Do you have any thoughts
on what you might wanna do tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I don't know, Brian.
You don't wanna mess things up.

We'll find out tonight, won't we?

Right. But just one last piece
of advice.

Remember, listen to her body...

...and respond the way you'd want her
to respond to you.

Uh... Okay, thanks.
That's very helpful.

You'll be a wonderful lover, Brian.

- What are you doing?
- Sorry.

You just had a little, uh, something.

Oh, my God. Carolyn?

- Cleveland?
- Oh, hey, Brian.

Close that window.
You're letting all the stink out.

I don't believe this.

Cleveland, you're sleeping
with my girlfriend?

Nobody told me
Carolyn was your girlfriend.

I'm not his girlfriend.

What?
We've been dating for three weeks.

You never made a move on me.
I thought you just wanted to be friends.

Then I met Cleveland
and things just kind of took off.

Uh... Wha...? How did you
even meet each other?

We met at the Starbucks.

She started going on
about her new Brazilian wax...

...and not wearing any underpants
and whatnot.

I'd have to be a homosexual
to ignore a signal like that.

Carolyn, you completely
misunderstood me.

I wanted you like crazy.

But I just figured if I showed
a little restraint, you'd respect me.

- I do.
- As do I.

Now, why don't you go
hop on that gay bike of yours...

...and go get yourself a lollipop
or a cupcake or something?

We good, Brian, we good.

So. Carolyn. Tsk.

Guess you should have hit that
when you had the chance, huh, Brian?

- You're the one who told me to wait.
- You're crazy, I didn't say that.

Well, thanks to you,
I lost her to Cleveland.

You know what you need? Stop pointing
fingers and get out of the house.

Have some fun. Real fun.

Not like
37-year-old-woman-on-a-blind-date fun.

Oh, this is fun, right?
We're having fun. Ha-ha.

So what if you forgot your wallet?

I'll pay. Ha. I'm gonna pay for us.

You'll get it next time, yeah.

So you were in prison, right?
Killed a man?

Oh, I'm sure it was
in self-defense. Ha-ha.

No, I just felt like killing.

Oh, you tell the best stories. Ha-ha.

Me and my three eggs
are having the best time.

We are gonna get you back
on your feet.

I know what always makes me
feel better:

Delicious sweets.

Hello, welcome to Fjurg's Bakery.

Would you like a hot piece of pie?
It's on the house.

What?

Oh, no, you're covered in my hot pie.

You can wash yourself off
in the water closet.

Uh, you know,
I can wash it off when I get home.

- Why? What's in there?
Oh. Mm.

- Oh, yeah. Mm.
Mm. Mm.

Oh, wait, wait.
Mm.

Wait. Oh!

And boom goes the dynamite.

Next time, we'll go to another store.
How about that?

Just forget it. I just wanna sit here,
watch the ball game, have a few beers.

It's ball three,
low and outside to Ramirez.

Wait a minute. What's this?

There appears to be an interracial couple
making love on second base.

The crowd's enjoying it.

And it looks like the umpire's
gonna let them finish.

Oh! And boom goes the dynamite.

There it is.
I tell you what.

This would be painful to watch
if you loved that girl.

What are the odds
of running into Cleveland...

...and Carolyn
everywhere we went?

As long as we just stay here
in the house we're safe, right?

Oh, that was a great game.

Carolyn, it's been so nice
getting to know you.

Cleveland, she's way more fun
than that wife you used to have.

What was her name?
Weezy or Florida or something?

- Jennifer Hudson?
- Loretta.

You're doing a lot better now, Cleveland.

You went from a black woman
to a white woman...

...without having to take
that Hispanic-woman step in between.

Loretta. That's our answer.

- What do you mean?
- We gotta talk to Loretta.

If we can get her back with Cleveland,
Carolyn's all yours.

Well, it's a long shot.

But so was
the Shouting Arab-gram business.

From Joan and Keith.

This is never gonna work.
Loretta cheated on Cleveland.

- She's not gonna go back to him.
- She can be convinced.

- Let me do the talking.
- I can communicate with her.

She's only gonna get
the gist of what you say.

Isn't she one of those outside
the family who understand me?

No, because of Cleveland, she's close
to the main cast. Might be a little weird.

- Really?
We're filming.

Okay, sorry, sorry. Ring the doorbell.

- Uh... Hi, Loretta.
- Brian, Stubby. What are you doing here?

Uh, well, to be honest, Loretta, uh...

...Cleveland sent us.
He really wants you back.

- What?
- Yeah, he says he misses that, eh...

...perfect figure.

I get the gist
of what you're saying, Stoolie.

But I can never go back to Cleveland.

Not after all the pain I caused him.

I'm sorry.

Brian, did you see that treadmill
in the living room?

Ha. Yeah.

Brian, may I speak with you?

Oh, Cleveland.

I didn't recognize you without
my girlfriend wrapped around you.

She and I are both to a point
of great soreness.

So we took a break.

Listen, I just wanna clear
any bad feelings...

...you may have about me
and Carolyn.

I guess it's okay.

These are passing flings,
nothing to get upset about.

Good, because we're gonna elope
in Hawaii...

...tomorrow night.
- What?

You got a problem with that,
you can go fuck yourself.

- Loretta?
- Hello, Cleveland.

What are you doing here?

Cleveland, I've been doing some thinking
lately about how much I miss you.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I want us to be together again
as a family.

And I promise,
I'll never betray you again.

I love you, Cleveland.

Uh...

I'm no meteorologist,
but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches.

I don't know what to do.

Carolyn and I
are supposed to elope tomorrow.

But here comes Loretta,
all apologetic...

...wanting to get our family
back together and whatnot.

I wouldn't forgive her so fast.
Remember, she slept with Quagmire.

Yeah, she really acted crazy.

Just wait a minute, you guys, let's not
be so quick to demonize Loretta.

I mean, whatever happened
to forgive and forget?

You want Cleveland out of the picture
so you can get back with Carolyn.

You know, Brian...

...sometimes...

...I don't believe I know you.

That's not it at all. I happen to think
Loretta is very beautiful.

With her sassy wisdom
and speed-bag arm fat.

Hmm.

I guess at the very least, I could go talk
to her tomorrow and see how I feel.

Thanks for your help, Griffins.

Brian, do you really think
Loretta's beautiful?

Absolutely, that's really how I feel.

Now, it is true
her personality is abrasive.

Slightly abrasive.

But overall, Loretta is a delightful person,
very pleasant to be around...

...and free to pursue a life
of religious fulfillment.

I'm really concerned about Cleveland.

What Loretta did was unforgivable.

- I hope he doesn't go back to her.
- I hear you, Lois.

You know, there might be a way to drive
the point home that she hasn't changed.

- Well, how would we do that?
- Hang on.

Hey, Quagmire.

- Quagmire.
What?

- You busy right now?
- No, I got a hand free. What's up?

Would you mind getting Loretta
to sleep with you again?

Uh... Possibly.
I mean, in what context?

We're trying to make Cleveland see
that she's no good.

That he can't trust her.
If he catches you guys in the act...

Okay. No. Okay, no, I'm with you now.
No... Yeah, I can probably work that in.

Terrific, thank you.

This is perfect, Lois.
We'll expose Loretta for who she is.

Just like Cyrano
was exposed for being anti-Semitic.

I love you for all that you are.

In spite of the fact that your people
control a disproportionate amount...

...of the world's wealth.

And in all likelihood
are probably responsible...

...for starting every major war
since the dawn of t...

Dude, again with this?
What's your problem?

Who's in the bush?

Mind your own business,
you filthy Jew.

- Room service.
- I didn't order no room service.

It's complimentary.

We have a club sandwich,
a fruit plate...

...and a side of hot beefsteak!
Giggity-giggity-goo!

Glen Quagmire, you get out of here.

Come on, baby, time for round two.

You're the devil.
You ruined my marriage.

Oh, you can't resist the Q-man
and my super-powered genitalia.

Apache penis!

- Aah!
- You go on and beat it, little neck.

I'm a changed woman.

- I don't mess with your kind anymore.
- You're a meanie. Waah!

- Hey, Quagmire.
- Uh... Hey, Cleveland.

- Why are you staying in a hotel?
- Uh...

My house burned down.

- Oh. Why are you naked?
- Naked? Wha...?

Everybody's been telling me
I'm wearing magnificent robes...

...made from the finest silk. Oh!

- Cleveland.
- Hello, Loretta.

Oh, come in, baby.

- Have you thought about what I said?
- Yes, I have.

And I still love you, Loretta.

Oh, Cleveland.

- But I can't take you back.
- Well, why not?

Loretta, I came over here
wanting to believe...

...that there was still a chance for us.

But on the way, I passed a lake,
skipped a few rocks...

...and had some black-guy
thinking time.

Loretta, we leave certain parts
of our lives in the past for a reason.

What you and I...
You can put your clothes back on.

What you and I had
was a wonderful thing.

And as much as I still have a great deal
of love for you...

...our time is over.

I love somebody else.

Oh, Cleveland.

Isn't there anything I can do
to make you happy?

Yes, there is.

You can live your life, Loretta.

Live it as full and as wonderful
as you can.

I love you.

Oh, my God, Carolyn?

Quagmire?

Cleveland, close the window,
you're letting the stink out.

- We both got screwed by the same girl.
- Yep.

I guess it's all right, though.

You and I will find true love someday.

Yeah, I suppose.

So how was it having sex
with Carolyn?

I think I'm gonna remember it forever.

Oh, yeah? How so?

Brian, do you think you could identify
a genital wart?

Uh, I would think
that would be something...

...you'd check with your doctor about.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Yeah.
- All right, I'm not a doctor, I can't...

No, I understand.

- So we're still friends?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Well, summer's coming on.

It hurts.