Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Back to the Woods - full transcript

James Woods gets his revenge on Peter by stealing his identity and moving in with his family. Peter responds by stealing Woods' identity and ruining his career.

And now back to G.I. Jose.

Hey, guys, let's go swim
in the old quarry.

- Yeah!
- Wait a minute, kids.

Don't go swimming in that quarry.
It's dangerous.

Wow, thanks, G.I. Jose.

Hey, you guys wanna buy
some gum...

...or cotton candy or a stuffed animal?

How about an inflatable mallet, huh?
This is fun.

You can hit your friend
on the head with it.

But don't hit him on the head with it.

Yeah, thanks.
I don't really need any of that stuff.



You got any dents
you need hammered out?

I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, traffic news
that can't help you...

...because you're some place
where a TV is.

But first, get ready, Quahog.

Barry Manilow will be performing
this weekend...

...at the Quahog
Performing Arts Center.

- Barry Manilow.
- What a joke.

So stupid.

- And boring as hell.
- No kidding.

You couldn't pay me
to go to that thing.

You know what we should do?
We should go just as a goof.

- That'd be hilarious.
- Just look at all the idiots.

- All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
- Yeah.



I mean, he's got one good song.

- Yeah, I mean, "Mandy" is not terrible.
- Yeah, the opening's okay.

And I guess you can't hate
"Copacabana. "

Yeah, if you're in the right mood.

"Daybreak" is a good song.

- Oh, yeah.
- That's a good song.

- I like "Weekend in New England. "
- Yeah, that's a good one.

- "Looks Like We Made It. " Right?
- Yeah, it's not bad.

- I love Barry Manilow.
- Oh, my God, he's the best!

- I have everything he's ever recorded!
- Me, too! In my car!

- We have to go to that concert.
- We are going to that concert.

- Thank you. Thank you very much.
You're welcome.

For this next song, I'm gonna need
some help from the audience.

- So let's see. What's your name?
Claire.

Uh, no, I don't like that.

- What's yours?
Harriet.

- Quagmire!
- Wow, that's exotic.

Why don't you come up
and join me on the stage?

- Go, go, go!
- Oh, my God!

I hate you so much right now.

The night goes into morning

Just another day

Happy people pass my way

Looking in their eyes
I see a memory

I never realized

How happy you made me
Oh, Quagmire

Well, you came and you gave
Without taking

- I would never take from you, Barry.
- But I sent you away, oh, Quagmire

You kissed me and stopped me
From shaking

And I need you today
Oh, Quagmire

God, he's so talented.

He wrote all those
Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles.

I don't care for them. Not after
what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.

I say... I say, son,
what do we got brewing in here?

I was walking by when I picked up
the smell of 11 herbs and spice...

Look at that boy running all around
like a chicken with its head cut...

Wait a minute.

This Sunday, Sunday,
Sunday! One day only.

LASIK eye centers will heal your eyes.

How much would you pay
for laser eye surgery, $500?

Seven hundred dollars?

Ten thousand dollars?

How about $ 12?

So come on down to the Hydrox Arena
this Sunday, Sunday.

Get your eyesight fixed.
Unless you don't have the balls.

Hey, I could use
some Jew eye surgery.

What the hell? Where's my wallet?

Oh, crap, I must've dropped it
at the Barry Manilow concert.

Dropped it at the what?
And where was I?

Peter, you and your excuses
for losing your wallet.

"I dropped it at the concert. "
"The hooker took it. "

- "It's with my other family. "
- That one was true.

And let me tell you something.
They appreciate me for who I am.

All right, Peter,
have a good business trip.

Taxi.

- Who's hungry?
Yeah, Mommy's home.

Hello, dear.

I'm so glad you're home.

While you were away,
I tried to do the laundry.

Your favorite shirt.

Adam Kenneth Handleman,
when will you learn?

So, Peter, any luck
finding your wallet?

No, and it's getting to be a pain
in the ass. I got no money.

I couldn't even afford to get
my hair cut.

- That'll be $5.
- Sorry, lost my wallet.

But I already cut your hair.

Well, guess there's nothing
you can do about it now.

That son of a bitch.

And then I got pulled over
for speeding.

License and registration, please.

Oh, I lost my wallet, so I kind of
don't have my license.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
You know what that means.

I don't understand why I gotta do
dishes at your house just because I...

Keep washing.

- Seems like more of a restaurant thing.
- Keep washing!

And I can't rent movies anymore.

Yes, I'd like to rent this copy
of Garden State.

Okay, I'll just need a picture ID.

- Oh, I don't have one.
- I'll rent it then.

It could've been me.

Oh, my God, Peter,
your Visa bill is $ 16,000.

Somebody's been using
your credit card.

Didn't you cancel it
when you lost your wallet?

I hear what you're saying,
but unlike my credit card...

...I'm carrying a very low rate
of interest.

Peter, this is serious.

Let me see that.

A big screen TV, a massage chair
from Sharper Image, plane tickets.

Peter, someone has obviously stolen
your credit card.

Here's the good news.

Whoever the thief is,
he's spending less than my wife.

Wait, look at this. He eats
at House of Chung every day.

House of Chung.
Come on, let's go, Brian.

I'm gonna get revenge.

Just like I did against that pigeon
that pooped on my car.

That's right. Get it nice and clean.

Place is packed. How are we gonna
figure out who has your card?

- I got it, Brian. Smell my ass.
- What?

It's where I keep my wallet. Get the
scent, find the guy that smells like me.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

- Come on, boy. Get the scent.
- Cut it out. That's disgusting.

You're an idiot, you know that?
Wait a minute.

Your wallet's over there.

Oh, my God, it's you.

James Woods.

Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you.

You stole my credit card.
What did I ever do to you?

That's a good question, Peter.

What did you ever do to me? Hm?
What did you ever do to James Woods?

I locked you in a wooden crate,
forgot to put an air hole in it.

- Forgot to put an air hole in it.
- You had it coming.

Mr. Woods,
just give Peter back his wallet.

Oh, no, Brian.
I'm just getting started.

Peter, you humiliated me.
You put me through hell.

And now you're gonna pay for it.

So get ready, fuckers.

Oh, that kung pao chicken smells good.
You smell that, Brian?

All I can smell is your ass.

Lois, we found the guy
who stole my wallet.

- You'll never guess who it was.
- James Woods?

Hello, stranger.

I don't recall inviting you
into my home.

Peter, he's been here for four hours.

I told him to leave,
but he keeps saying he lives here.

I say, this is more uncomfortable than
having James Brady at a cocktail party.

All right, so I got my hand gun
and I'm just randomly firing it...

...into a crowd of people and then...

And then what?

And nothing. Nothing.

No, no, I'm anxious to hear
the conclusion of your story.

It's stupid.

Stupid story.

- I'm calling the police.
- That won't be necessary. I already did.

Hello, officer.

Would you be kind enough to remove
this trespasser from my home?

What? This is my house.

No, this house belongs
to Peter Griffin.

And that's me.

Driver's license, Social Security card,
passport, title to the house.

This puts me in a tough spot.

Joe, you can't possibly believe this.
You know who Peter is.

I know, Lois, but this man
has all the paperwork.

Oh, come on, this is identity theft.

I hate to do this,
but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.

- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
- Thanks, Joe.

- Clam later? We'll hoist a few?
- Sure, Peter.

Joe.

Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.

- Oh, come on.
- You heard him, fella. Take them off.

Right down to the poop sack.

What? You don't all wear
a poop sack?

Damn it, Bonnie!
You lied to me about the poop sack!

Hello, family.

Hello, honey.
Schnoobie-schnoobie-schnoobins.

Stop calling me that.
I don't care what the law says.

You're not Peter Griffin,
you're James Woods.

I should've warned you
she can be a real bitch in the morning.

Mom, this is really weird.
I want Dad back.

I don't. Having a celebrity dad
is a real thrill.

Not like the fake thrill of running
into your ex-girlfriend on the street.

Rob? Hey.

Hey. How are you?
God, it's good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

How's my dog? I'm sorry, your dog.

- Oh, I had to give him away.
- Gave him away.

- Well, Dave's allergic.
- Dave! All right, so there's a Dave.

That's great. God, Dave sounds great.

Yeah, he is.
And his parents are so sweet.

Met his parents and they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh. Ha-ha-ha.

What a family.
God, it's good to see you.

You won't get away with this.

You're not supposed to be
in the house, Brian.

- You're more of an outdoor dog.
- What the hell does that mean?

This is so humiliating.

For God's sake, I went to Brown and
he's got me out here tied a post like...

What the hell?

This rope was a lot longer,
and now it's somehow gotten shorter.

What sort of
black magic is this?

Brian, guess what.

I gave James Woods your novel to read,
and you're not gonna believe this.

- Really? Did he like it?
- He wants to option it, make a movie.

- Really?
- No, he didn't really respond to it.

Oh. I need your help. Run inside
and get me a pair of scissors.

- No.
- Why not?

Because you made me watch
"Two Girls, One Cup. "

- Okay, wait. So, what is this now?
- Just watch.

- Why are we taping my reaction?
- Just watch.

Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.

I don't know...

I don't know what else...

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. Wait. What?

What? What?

No.

No.

Ah. Ahh! Ahh!

What is wrong with you?
Oh, my God!

I'm never gonna be able to eat
ice cream again. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Uh!

Oh, that is disgusting.

Oh, my God.

Oh, can you imagine
if two dudes did that?

Oh, my God.
That would be even worse.

I mean, like... Would that...?
Would that even exist?

I mean... Like, where would you
even find that?

Let's type it in
and see what comes up.

So you can just rot out here, Brian.

Brian, what are you doing
tied to Meg's pole?

James Woods did it.
Where'd you get the clothes?

I always keep
a spare at Quagmire's.

I gotta tell you, there was
some weird stuff going on there today.

- Quagmire, can I...?
- Hang on a second.

That's why I contend
that when Frost speaks of birch trees...

...he may very well be talking
about himself.

- No, Glenn, that's not...
- Gloria, please.

You wanna hear my interpretation,
or simply tell me I'm wrong?

- I'm simply pointing out that...
- Yes, we know, you're very well-read.

But this is poetry we're talking about.
I think, when it comes to poetry...

...you can't be wrong. What, Peter?
- Nothing, nothing. Sorry to interrupt.

The cedars represent society.
Sorry to interrupt.

You get out of here. If James Woods
sees you, he's gonna call the cops.

I miss my family, Brian,
and I gotta see them.

Well, well.
A trespasser on my property.

That's the worst thing
that's happened to me since...

- You wouldn't.
- It's up to you, Peter.

Either you leave now or I set up
one of your random flashbacks.

All right, all right, okay.

- Peter, what do you care?
- No, no, Brian, he's serious.

I'll come back for you, Lois.

And I'll set up all the flashbacks,
just like I used to.

The time I swallowed that midget
who played Mini-Me...

...so I could make you laugh.

- You ready for dinner, Peter?
- Oh, yeah.

In fact, my stomach
has been talking to me all day.

I said, my stomach
has been talking to me all day.

Come on, say the line.

Oh, oh, there he is. You know what,
he slipped into my colon.

Yeah, oh, damn it, he's smothered.

But let me just ask you this, Lois.

If my stomach had said:

"Hell, yeah, I'm hungry.
How about some pork chops?"

Would you have thought
that was funny?

- Not really.
- Ah.

Well, then, this has been
an absolute misfire.

Oh, this is just awful.

James Woods is destroying this family,
and all just to get back at Peter.

I know, he's doing all the stuff
Dad usually does.

Right now he's upstairs
talking to Meg.

Now, Meg, you wanna be thin
like all the Hollywood starlets, right?

Yeah, but I love to eat.

I've got a way that you can eat
all you want...

...and look like a Hollywood starlet.

Meg, let me introduce you
to Mr. Pukey.

- Hi, Meg.
- Hi.

Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you
sure are good at making fat women hot.

Wow. Thanks.

You think you
could help out my friend Meg here?

Yeah, I think I could give her a hand.

Now close your eyes,
Meg, and let Mr. Pukey help you out.

Whoa. When did Reese Witherspoon
get here?

Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl
to like me?

Oh, Chris, I'm your father.
Call me Dad.

Um, okay, Dad.

How do I get a girl to like me?

Well, there's a number of ways, Chris.

For example, Heather Graham and I
had a mutual friend.

He threw a punch social one day
and we both happened to be there.

Next thing you know, we're both
in the back room. Slam, bang.

She didn't even make me
use a rubber.

- I went bareback.
- She sounds like class act.

- Oh, not at all, Chris. No, not at all.
- Thanks, Dad. I feel better.

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Off I go on my merry way

Life is great
And I'm happy with my dad

What am I gonna do, Brian?

James Woods has taken my life
and my family.

But identity theft
is one of the hardest things to fight.

- How you gonna handle it?
- I don't know.

All I know is, I sure do miss Lois.

I gotta find a way to see her.

And I think I just got an idea.

A much better idea
than when I did magic for the blind.

- Is this your card?
- I don't know.

- Was it a red card?
- I don't know what red is.

Ta-da.

You know what's amazing?
A week from tomorrow...

...it'll be 20 years
we've been married.

I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic.

Hello. I was there, see?

Wow, same old pussy.

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I brought a friend home for dinner.

Mom. Dad. This is Scooter.

- Hello, Scooter.
- Hi, Scooter.

Hey. Sure is swell of you
to have me over.

What's for eats, Mrs. G?

Meat loaf, Pe... I mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.

Leaping lizards,
meat loaf is my favorite.

How come
we've never met you before?

Shut up, Meg.

You know, Scooter, we don't allow hats
at the dinner table.

- Oh, my bad, Mr. G.
- Dad, no.

Ah-ha! I should have known.

Get out of my house right now,
you son of a bitch.

Well, that's it, Brian.
I guess he's won.

- I guess he's Peter Griffin now.
- Wait a minute, Peter.

If he's Peter Griffin...

...then that means
you can be James Woods.

That's a great idea, Brian.

If I was a famous movie star,
I wouldn't even want my family.

No, no, Peter. I'm saying
you can do to him what he did you.

You can ruin him.

I'll do it. I'll be James Woods.

From this day forth,
I am James Woods.

And I'll stick to that story,
even if nobody believes it.

I'll tell you what nobody believes in,
ghosts.

Damn. Play me off, Johnny.

You're probably wondering
why he's in hell.

Johnny liked little boys.

The question is, how am I gonna
make people think I'm James Woods?

The same way he did, Peter.
Identity theft works both ways.

The first thing we're gonna do
is get you a fake ID.

I know a guy who does good work.

You took a risk coming here.
James Woods could be back any minute.

- I know. How fast can you do it?
- Fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

That's never happened to me before.
It's just...

...you're so attractive
and it's been a while.

I'm gonna go.

You know, some people say
that's good for your hair.

Yeah. Thanks.

Welcome back to the program.

Please welcome our next guest,
Mr. James Woods. Oh, James.

Wait a minute,
you're not James Woods.

Oh, I believe I am.

Driver's license, Social Security card,
American Express.

What the hell is he doing?

Wow. I guess you are James Woods.

Let me understand this.
What are you here to promote, James?

Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie
coming out on HBO next month.

It's all about 9/11.

The movie's called
September 11, 2000-Fun.

No! No, no, no!

James, that sounds
unbelievably offensive to Americans.

Well, you haven't heard
what the movie's about.

I play a window washer...

...who has just finished washing the last
window of the World Trade Center.

Then I turn around
to get off the scaffold...

...and what do you think I see coming?
A plane.

And I go, "Come on!"

You know, it's real,
real old-style comedy.

You know, it's like,
it's like two pies in the face...

...and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

I don't wanna hear
any more about this.

And the voice of the plane
is David Spade.

What? I would never work
with David Spade.

That dwarf. That skinny chickenshit.

Okay, I think we've heard enough of this.
Now let's go to Michael Richards...

...for his apology regarding
the incident at the Laugh Factory.

Michael, why don't you explain
exactly what happened...

...for the folks who don't know.

I, uh, lost my temper on stage.

I got heckled and went into a rage.

And said some very nasty things
to some Afro-Americans.

Stop laughing, it's not funny.

Well, Brian,
it's been a productive week.

I think I've successfully destroyed
James Woods' reputation. Here it is.

Well, our top story continues to be
the fall of actor James Woods...

...who overnight has gone
from America's most beloved celebrity...

...to America's most hated pariah.

You're in a lot trouble, Griffin!
You motherfucker.

Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.

You ruined my reputation.
And now you are gonna pay for it.

We're gonna settle this like men.

All right, we'll settle it like men.
But not here.

- Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
- I'll be there.

You be there too,
you little faggot.

All right, Peter, I'm here.

Where are you?

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Oh, a piece of candy.

Okay, next time let's remember this
right away because he's done this twice.

Oh, Peter, we're so glad
to have you back.

- I missed you.
- I missed you too, Lois.

So, what happened to James Woods?

Oh, he's being examined by top men.

- Who?
- Top men.