Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - McStroke - full transcript

Mom, where's Dad?

Over across the street.

He's collecting Cleveland's
mail while he's out of town.

Black guy mail.

Peter, you're just supposed
to pick up Cleveland's mail,

not go through it.

Lois, black people are
different than you and I.

And me, I find
that hilarious.

Boy, Cleveland gets
a lot of magazines.

Grape Soda Today.

Orange Soda Quarterly.



The Fruit Punch Reader.

Hey, what you got
there, Stewie?

Ooh, Mustache Aficionado.

Wow, look at these men.

What class, what grace.

And all because
of a little upper lip hair.

Lois,

I am going grow a mustache.

Then I'll have it made
like the Monopoly guy.

Except when he goes
directly to jail.

I wish I could tell you
that the Monopoly guy

fought the good fight
and the Sisters let him be.

I wish I could tell you that.

But prison is no
fairy-tale world.



Hey, Rupert,
what if the refrigerator

was a monster that
talked like this?

I am a monster.

I am going to bite
your fingers.

Here I come.

I'm going to get you.

Ah! I don't want to play anymore

Normal voice, normal voice!

The refrigerator can't hurt me.

Okay?

Oh, my God, Dad,
what's on your face?

It's a mustache, Meg.

Oh, I think it's sexy.

I think it's gay.

It's not gay, Brian.

If I'm gay, then
Freddie Mercury was gay.

Freddie Mercury
the lead singer of Queen?

He was incredibly gay.

He was not!

He had a mustache
which is praal like wedding ring

I imagine you're going to be
much more of a stern father,

now that you have a mustache.

Well, Chris, there may bemore lap sitting
than there'sn.

And I might answer most of
your questions with a story.

But, mostly,my mustache tells people

that there is a 90% chance
that I am poorly educated,

that I keep upscale pornziou the open

and that I listen tothe Little River Band
with giant headphones.

Ugh! That's the ugliest thing the Fatman's grown
since that horse leg.

Hey, Peter, have you seen my...

Aw, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying?

Do not stand behin me.

Because I will get scared.

And now back to One Tree Hill.

Dude, let me tell
you something:

There is nothing that'll ever
happen in the rest of our lives

that's as important as what's
going on right here, right now,

in high school,
by these lockers.

I've got so many problems.

Hey, nothing that can't be
fixed by staringa.

High school is sucha serious thing
These problems matter.

God, these high school
students are lame.

I'm a freakin' baby, andI'm cooler than they are.

What the hell do youknow about high school?

Are you kidding?

These kids today areso easy to manipulate.

If you plopped me inthe middle of a high school,

cobe the mpukid there in a week.

Really?

Would you
care to placea wager on that?

Absolutely.What are the stakes?

Okay, if I winand you cado
yoveput your nose

eg's hat andeanht second inhale.

Okay, it's a bet

Great

- Kiss on it?
- What?

Wow, Dad, you're up early.

it's a achekind of morning, C.

I watched the sunrisein my jeans,

jean shirt and jean jacket.

Gosh, mustache cultureis pretty cool.

be,

I'm gonna make you somehash browns for breakfast,

and then, later, I'm gonna takeyou down to the whoreh

to lose your virginity.

Would you liha

Would I?!

Wow, that's a waybetter present

than that buff hamsteryou got me last Christmas.

Dad, all it's done i
n hat whee

for the pahree weeks.

Yeah, looks like it'sin pretty good shape.

Can I pick it up?

I wouldn

Boy, you know, I've alwayswanted to come in here,

and now that I got a mustache,the timing feels right.

Wow, alls flopr g

Can we get somesalami, and...

Brian, Brian,let me handle this.

Uh, scuzzi.

Bah buh-da boopy?

Peter, wardoing?

Speaking Italian.

Ba-ba-da boopy?

Ba-boo-ba-da-bee-ba-da-ba-bada.

Peter, you can'tspeaalia

just because youhave a mustache.

Bo buh-da boppa!bo bba ba be B!

All righog, here we go.

Prepare to lose a bet,

'cause I'm about to becomethe most popular boy in school.

Uh, ex me,don me,are you coolldren?

Yeah. Who aru?

My names Zac Sawyer.

I tfe hfr

, Expensive-Car-Drivinvin' HSchool

Whoa. That sounds awesom

No, it's lame.Everything's lame

Wow, if hesone moool thing, hin

I weong ve shider short sl shi

under se ts

, odyou'icked cool!, you're so cool!

ve cmate

my teenage cynicism!

Excellent

m a bi hit wthe thil

and his, clea

res wom

I'ma da

t'e tark maybeuseu

I otry iss 'emif the r, woo

What-what, wha-why whhat

elp out mom and dadby getti job

So yon heay fchoolpplieso!

Say wooo

Wipures oe when you come in touse

Someoust nedthat floor, woo-hoo

Say what-what Ha-ha.

Peter, don't younk you'rend of letting that mustache
consumur personality?

Shut up, Brian.

I am part of a veryspl community now.

People wmustacheslook out for each other.

Hey.

Oh, hey!

Hey!

Hey, Jeffrey, Peter Griffinhas a mustache!

- No way!
- Way.

- Oh!
- I know!

Oh my God, Peter, look!
McBurgertown is on fire!

It's out of control!

We need someone to manthe other hose!

Hey, that guy hasa mustache! Grab him!

We need your help!Take this hose!

Help!

Oh, my God!There's somebody trapped inside!

Wait, if I go in there,I could get hurt.

No! No, with great mustachecomes great responsibility.

My mustache!

Nooooo!

God bless you, sir,you saved my life.

But at what cost?

At what cost?!

Peter, have youseen Brian?

No, Lois,
I have not.

Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I..

What isthat on your head?

It's a mustache, Lois.

What, you never seena mustache before?

Lois, would you mind callingthe police
or something?

Quiet, mustache!

Oh, my God!

Peter, I know you're upsetabout losing that thing,

get a grip on yourself.

Let Brian down.

No. I'm not living my life without a mustache.

Even if, sometimes,my mustache
has Alpo gas

Mustache fart.

Hello, I'm lookingfor Peter Griffin.

I'm Peter Griffin.

Mr. Griffin, my nameis Todd Meyers.

I'm the man you rescuedfrom McBurgertown.

Oh yeah,
you're the guywho cost me my mustache.

What, you come over here to rape
my daughter?

No, I own the restaurant,
and to show my gratitude,

I'd like to offer you
a lifetimesupply of McBurgertown burgers.

Free burgers?

Oh, man, this isa way better offer
than the one I gotfrom Helen Hunt.

You wanna have sex?

No...

No, no, no, no...no..

no..

Peter, you shouldreally slow down.

You've already hadlike 30 hamburgers.

Shut up, Brian.

It relieves the painof mustachelessness.

And it's working.

I no longer feel the pain.

Come to think of it,I can't really feel anything

on the left half of my body.

Really?

That doesn'tsound good.

Peter, are youwinking at me?

Oh, my God, someonecall an ambulance!

Doctor, what happened?

Is he gonna be okay?

Mrs. Griffin, your husbandhas had a stroke.

The left half of his bodyis completely paralyzed.

Oh, my God!

Peter, sweetheart,how do you feel?

Uh... had better days, Lois.

Had better days.

Mom, it's beenthree months.

When is Dad gonnaget better?

Chris, I've alreadyexplained this to you.

Your father had a stroke
and it may take him along time to recover.

Lois!

Bring me anotherbeer, please!

Uh, Lois,
you mind telling me

what the hellyou think you're doing?

I'm handing you a beer.

You are handing itto my stroke arm.

This is my good arm!
Bring the beer over here!

That's better.

So, I'm shaving last nightat this make-out party.

I took a bunch of pictures.

You can see them onmy MySpace page,

along with my favorite songsand movies and things

that other people have created,

but that I use toexpress my individualism.

I have a MySpacepage too.

Yeah, I havemine ironically.

Hey, why don't youguys get lost.

I have to talk to Connie.

- Hey, guess what?
- What?

That's what.

No, but seriously,

there's something I wantto talk to you about.

Sure, Zac.Anything for you.

You wanna go out toAnal Point this weekend,

see what all thebuzz is about?

OMG!

That'd be so awesome!
Sweet.

We're gonna havea real ragin' time.

Before you know it,
we'll belike an old married couple.

- Uh, Lois?
- Yeah?

Uh, Peter's getting in the car.

...baffled, trumped,tethered, cropped

Look at that low plane,fine then, uh-oh, overflow

Population, common food,but it'll do

Shave yourself,serve yourself

World serves its own needs,listen to your heartbeat

Dummy with the rapture and therevered and the right, right

Your vitriolic, patriotic,slam, fight, bright light

Feeling pretty psyched

It's the end of the worldas we know it...

Stroke, stroke,stroke!

Stop mocking me!

Well, Brian, you'velost your bet.

I- or rather, myalter ego, Zac Sawyer-

am currently the most popular boy
at James Woods High.

Well, Stewie, you got
the best of meon this one.

Congratulations.

I guess you'll behanging up your wig now?

Oh, no, Brian.

I'm enjoyingmyself to much

Do you know thatI've got a date

with Connie D'Amico
this Saturday night,at Anal Point?

Ah, I've heardabout that place.

Really?What's it like?

'Cause I haveno idea.

Well, uh, I supposeif you imagine it
like a parking spacethat you think,

"Gosh, there's no way
I'm gonna be ableto fit in there."

But then you fold inthe sideview mirrors and

sure enough,well, look at that.

Well, in that scenario,
it sounds like I'd rather be

the parking spacethan the car.

Yeah, that's whatI've always guessed.

I hate being all strokey.

This is all your fault,McBurgertown.

You and your delicioushamburgers!

I swearI'll get back at you someday

for what you did to meand what you did to Wimpy.

I would gladlypay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today.

If only there were some way
I could belike everybody else again.

How long was I in there?

About five minutes.

Why are we notfunding this?

Sweetheart, that's incredible.

And it only took five minutes?

Five minutes.I went in there
they injected me

with a little bitof that fetal crap,and bam

good ol'gambling man Peter.

And now I can
take my revengeon McBurger Town.

Wait. What?

It's their fault
I had a stroke, Brian.

And I'm gonna sue 'em for it.

Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers.

It was your own fault.

Yeah, besides, Peter,

those companies have
huge legal divisions.

You can't fight that.

I'll find a way with the help

of my snarky cat lawyer

Meowsy McDermott.

You've got to be kitten me!

Ha!

This court finds in
favor of the defendant,

McBurgertown Industries.

What?! Hey, come on!
That's not fair!

Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?

They have a hundred lawyers,

and you tried to bribe me

with a subscription to Grape Soda Today

which I already have.

Case dismissed.

What did I tell you, Peter?

One man can't take on a

multinational fast food conglomerate.

Oh, yes, I can.
This ain't over, Brian.

Those people are bad and

I'm gonna prove it to the world.

How do you expect to do that?

Are you kidding?

I've tackled tougher jobs before.

Remember that time I was Robin

Williams' jumping-off point?

- Okay... religion.
- Oh, religion.

You kill me, I kill you,
we both go to heaven.

72 virgins, huh!

You might have to help me out

with the last ten or so

because Mr. Happy
gets tired- religion.

Politics.

Well, we're gonna come down there
and take all your oil.

But this is our oil.

Yee-haw!
Well, here's my missile.

Okay, take it, take it.
Politics.

Uh, you know what?

I'm gonna take a
five-minute break.

Huh, five-minute break.

What are you,
a construction worker?

Hey, baby, I'm not gay.

Does this yellow hat make
my ass look fat?

Five-minute break.

You enjoyed the movie, baby?

Yeah, but I think I'm gonna

enjoy this even more.

Ugh! No, thanks.
I am stuffed.

So, we just gonna sit here and talk

or are we gonna do it?

All right, baby,
those are the magic words.

Now check this out!

Oh, my God!

Yeah, I am ready for sex.

I drank eight gallons
of water today.

This baby's ready to explode.

Is..

is there more underneath
of is that it?

I'm sorry?

Zac, just get the hel
lout of my car.

That's it?
That was sex?

What a rip-off.

I should sue her.

Be careful you're not held
in contempt of cat.

Pardon me.

We're two Asian businessmen

looking to invest

in McBurgertown Industries

and we'd like a tour of your facility.

You don't look Asian.

Well, I guess we'll just take

our millions of Dongs elsewhere.

Wait, wait!

Let me get our
general manager.

Peter, what the hell do you
expect to accomplish here?

Evidence, Brian.

I'm gonna find just
the right piece

of incriminating evidence to
bring down this company.

Over here is a menu from our first

McBurgertown restaurant in 1952.

At that time, our value meal

consisted of a hamburger,

a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike.

Wow. How much did all that cost?

Back in the '50s,
one straw penny.

- A whole strawpenny?
- Indeed. Follow me.

Hey, what's in there?

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's off limit.

Now if you'll excuse me for a second,

I have to go to the bathroom

for about 30 minutes

as I eat a lot of meat.

Please give me your word that

you won't go in that door.

Okay.

Good.
See you in a half hour.

Peter, this is your chance!

Brian, I gave him my word.

The hell with that.

Let's see what's behind this door.

My God, what is this?!

This must be the
McBurgertown slaughterhouse.

Sir, you are correct.

But in here, we call it "DaCow."

- DaCow?
- DaCow.

Except we spell the
"chau" part C-O-W,

Like "cow," so it's
kind of a... eh, sort of a dark joke.

Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke.

That's, that's really funny.

Unfortunately, life in a

slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.

They have killed a great many of us,

including my beloved wife.

Peter, this is it.

This is the evidence
you've been looking for.

If we can get you out of here,
would you be willing to testify

publicly about these atrocities?

Oh, absolutely.

But how do you intend to escape?

You leave that to us.
Come on.

Hey!

There they are!
After them!

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Sunday

Charcoal burning everywhere

Another Pleasant ValleySunday

Here in status symbol land...

Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?

What the hell's your problem?

Hey, Logan, what's going on?

What the hell is going on here?

Nothing, baby penis.

Well, yes, I have a baby-

Well, for your information,

I don't want a big penis.

I think they're messy.

Well, you've effectively ended

my reign of coolness,
haven't you?

You're a disgrace,
you know that?

Hey, you're the one
with the tiny penis.

You know, Connie, look,
you're right.

I behaved like a fool.
And I apologize.

But, before I go,

could I maybe have one last kiss?

Well, I guess so.

Look, this girl
is making out with a baby!

A nude baby!

Hey!

That's right.
To hell with you all!

I am who I am.

Here comes the story
of The Hurricane

The man the authorities
came to blame

For something that he never done...

Quiet, everybody, this is it.

The McBurgertown
franchise suffered

a publicity setback today
from which it may not recover,

thanks to testimony regarding

its practices by a very brave cow.

I have revealed to you,
today, these horrors

in the hope that you will
see the need for change.

But always remember what
I have done here today

is not a courageous act.

The courage lies with a
man who has the guts

to say no to a fast food restaurant

and eat a salad instead.

To say, "I will eat
this salad with pride.

I don't care if I look
like a gay person."

So to all of you
salad-eating homosexuals,

I say thank you.

And thank you, Peter,
for all you've done

to help expose
this grave injustice.

Where will you go now,
Mr. Cow?

I cannot stay here?

Peter said I could stay here.

Oh... gosh...yeah, I don't,

I don't really see how
that's gonna work out.

Oh. Well, as I said,
Peter just promised...

Yeah, I should stop you there.

I didn't really promise anything.

I just said "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois."

Boy, it just it seems like
a real burden to me.

Well, this is pretty awkward.

Ciaoooooo...

Synch: Athana e koalinux