Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Peter's Daughter - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker
with a Channel Five News Special Report.



And I'm Diane Simmons.
A flash flood warning is in effect

as rain continues to pound Rhode Island.

Let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa

(IN ORIENTAL MELOD Y)
Who's gonna tell us all about the rain.

Tom, residents all over Quahog have been
affected by the heavy rains,

although some are doing their best
to ride it out.

For example, I'm here with
Rides-a-Ten-Speed-Everywhere Guy.

Sir, why are you riding your ten-speed
in the rain?

I don't mind.
A little drizzle never hurt anybody.

I like riding the ten-speed
because it's fun, gives me energy,

and it's a great way to stay in shape.

How long have you lived in Quahog?

Well, I used to live in the city,
but I decided moving here

would be a little more relaxing,
a little more manageable,



and it's a great way to stay in shape.

What do you do for a living?

I work in accounts receivable
at Quahog Insurance.

It's not too demanding, the pay is good,
and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Well, we should wrap this up.
You're getting wet.

Well, I'm living life before the cancer
I have kills me, so I don't mind the rain.

Water feels good on my skin.
It's cool, refreshing,

- and it's a great way to stay in shape.
- What kind of cancer?

It's rectal cancer. It's slowly eating
away at my lower insides.

It's a quick process,
both painful and untreatable,

and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Thank you, Tricia. Some local residents
have even been evacuated

to Quahog Stadium
for their own protection.

- Why do I have to stay here?
- We just think you'll be safer.

- But my house is dry.
- Here's a blanket.

If you're looking for a bathroom,
it's all around you.

Oh! Crap, Peter, it's a flash flood!

Oh, man, I better save my autographed
picture of Dean Cain.

You know, from before he got
all desperate for attention.

Hey, is that Dean Cain on that park bench?

Oh, God.

PETER: Lois, you may wanna
come down here!

(GASPS)

- Oh, my God!
- I know, about the water, right?

Wow, cool.

- Hey, Chris, come here.
- What? Why?

- Just come here.
- What is it, Dad?

Does it feel like the water
suddenly just got warmer?

- No.
- Oh, that's right.

It's pee that makes it warmer.

Peter, the water's rising fast!
We gotta get outta here!

Hang on, Lois. There's a case of beer
in the fridge. I can't leave that behind.

Meg, you're a good swimmer. Go get it.

What? But Dad...

And for God's sake, do not be afraid to
make me a sandwich while you're in there.

(INHALES)

Peter, Meg's been in there a long time.

Boy, you cannot wait to criticize her
at every turn, can you?

Go get her!

Well, Lois, I am sorry
for snapping at you earlier.

You were right to criticize Meg.

She could not even handle
this simple task.

She's in there right now,
taking a nap underwater.

For God's sake, save her!

My God, we better get her to a hospital.
She doesn't look too good.

Yeah, she looks worse than Andy Garcia
when he had his conjoined twin.

I had a great time with you tonight.
You're really amazing.

Thanks, Andy. I had a great time, too.

Hey. How about some love
for shoulder guy over here?

- Shoulder guy wants to get in on this.
- Just ignore him.

Okay.

So, do you maybe want to go
in the other room?

Sure. Sounds good.

And shoulder guy's going with you.

- Rick, shut up!
- Hey, bitch, wanna suck on my tooth?

Mr. And Mrs. Griffin,
I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter.

(LAUGHS)

I mean your daughter's in a coma.

Oh, my God, did you...
Did you hear what I said?

Brain freeze!

Oh, my God.
That one is going in the Christmas letter.

Oh, my God, Peter.
What if she doesn't come out of it?

I know, Lois. I never realized until now
how much I've taken her for granted.

I mean, she's my only daughter,

and I feel like I've never treated her
as well as I should have.

Hey, Meg, you got something
on your shirt.

(LAUGHING)

Hi, Dad.

Don't be too hard on yourself, Peter.
We all do things that we're not proud of.

Well, I am gonna change.
You hear me, Meg?

If you come out of this, I am gonna treat
you like a princess for the rest of your life.

'Cause I've been a worse
father than Abraham.

You wanna tell me
what the fuck that was?

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Milano.
I'm the intern for this floor.

You know,
you guys can probably go on home.

We'll let you know if there's any change
in your daughter's condition.

Wow, you're a real doctor?

Hey, does Scrubs work here?
I love that guy.

I wanna meet Scrubs,
and I wanna meet black Scrubs, too.

Well, hello, sleepyhead. I'm Michael.

Hi, Michael. I'm Meg.

- Meg!
- Oh, my God, Meg, you're okay!

Oh, Meg, my beautiful daughter!
Things are gonna be different.

No more will I treat you
like some kind of alien.

WOMAN ON PA: Three minutes
to minimum safe distance.

Stop. Not so fast, y'all. You think you can
just up and run away, you crazy.

I like to eat people from other planets.
Especially y'all.

I likes to eat you with
my little mouth, too.

Now, y'all get back up inside me,
little mouth.

I wants to play, too.

Get back inside!
I'll get you when we's eating them.

- So, what is it you wanted to show me?
- That, Brian.

What? It's a rundown old house.

Well, yes, I suppose, to the untrained eye,
that's what it would look like.

Walk inside with me, Brian.

This is disgusting.
It smells, it's falling apart,

and you can hear the mice
humping in the wall.

(MICE MOANING)

MOUSE: That was so awesome!

That's why we can get it for a steal, Brian.

We fix it up and sell it for a huge profit.

You're crazy.
No, I'm not gonna buy this house with you.

Fine. I'll just give the profits to another
investor. Plenty of others interested.

- Oh, yeah? Like who?
- Mort Goldman for one.

Says it's a smart investment.
But what does he know? He's only Jewish.

- All right, I'm in.
- Perfect!

By Christmas, you and I are
gonna be richer than Bob Saget.

- So you wanna grab something to eat?
- Sure.

- You ever ride in a limo?
- No.

Well, how about Full House
buys you a ride in a limo,

and America 's Funniest Home Videos
buys you a shrimp cocktail?

Get lost.

If I give you $5,000,
will you tell me I matter?

Oh, there's my little angel!
Here, let me get that for you, sweetie!

Thanks, Dad.

Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

you've really been true to your word
about treating Meg better.

She's my only daughter, Lois.
She needs to be protected,

like a rare gemstone or the herniated
scrotum of an older gentleman.

Well, I think you've been wonderful.
Like when you took her to that new movie,

I'm Rich, and You're Poor,
but Let's Dance Together.

I'm rich, and you're poor,
but let's dance together.

- Society won't like it.
- I don't care.

Good for you. Good for you.

Yeah, and I can't believe how you stood up
to Connie D'Amico for me.

- Hey, Meg.
- Hi, Connie.

I can't fit all my books in my locker.

Can I put the rest of them
on your ginormous ass?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Connie, hi. Peter Griffin, Meg's father.

Say, can you do me a favor?
You see that fire extinguisher there?

Dad, that's enough! Dad, that's enough!

That's enough, Dad!

(CRYING)

I just want you to know, Meg,
if there's anything you ever want,

- all you gotta do is ask.
- Really? Well, there kind of is one thing.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) There he is now!

Hey, Meg. You ready to go?

Dad, you remember Michael Milano
from the hospital. He's my date.

Oh.

Say, Michael, can you do me a favor?
You see that fire extinguisher there?

Stay away from my daughter,
you possible rapist!

Dad, stop it! Michael's my date!

Meg, I almost lost you once,
I'm not gonna lose you again!

This guy may look harmless
on the outside,

but on the inside he could be
a complete bastard, like Fred Flintstone.

So, why exactly
do you want this separation?

Well, Mr. Stoneberg, in a nutshell,
the cat put me outside.

I was banging on the door
for like 20 minutes, shouting, "Wilma."

I didn't hear you.

- There's no way you didn't hear me.
- I was in the shower.

- Oh, she was in the shower.
- The elephant's trunk was on full blast.

I couldn't hear you, and besides,
you're always yelling about something.

How the hell am I
supposed to know when to pay attention?

But when I wanna get my rocks off,
you're nowhere to be found,

you passive-aggressive bitch.

Meg, can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?

- Dad, what the hell?
- Lois, did you know that Meg had a date?

Yes. With that nice boy from the hospital.
What's the matter?

We don't know him.
Maybe he's not even a boy.

Maybe he's two dwarves in an overcoat,

wanting to see what sex
is like with a big person. Huh?

Is that what you want?

Two crafty dwarves in your house,
after your daughter?

Wait. Do dwarves grant wishes?

No, Peter, they're people,
like you and me.

Well, goodbye phone in the bathroom,
but I still don't like Meg dating that boy!

Guys that age, all they care about
is putting their thing in everything.

I'm not gonna let Meg turn out
like my Nerf football in the hall closet.

Dad, didn't you say
you'd give me whatever I wanted?

Well, I wanna go out with Michael.

Peter, you're being overprotective.
Look, why don't you just talk to him?

You might find out he's not so bad.

All right, Lois,
but I know what my gut tells me,

and right now it's telling me I have...

(MAN READING)

But I'll suck it up and talk to Michael.
Even though I've also got...

(MAN READING)

So you are here to take out my daughter.
What are your intentions?

I just think Meg is really cool,
and I want to get to know her better.

You know, Michael,
my daughter's womb is not a wildfire

for you to douse
with your adolescent seed.

- Neither is her lower back or her hair.
- I understand.

Do you, Michael? Do you? We'll see.
Let me ask you a question.

You ever sit on your arm till it falls asleep
and then play with yourself

and pretend like somebody
else is doing it?

Honestly, yes.

Not anymore you don't,
'cause you're going out with my daughter.

Morning, Brian. Here, put this on.

- How long have you been here?
- 7:00 a.m. All right, here's your hammer,

here's your walkie,
and here's your stud-finder.

(IMITATES BEEPING)

Oh, well, it's working.
All right, joke time is over.

Work time has begun.

You get started with this drywall,

and I'm gonna start pulling out
those old floorboards in the kitchen.

Hey, Brian. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

(WHISPERING) Two friends
building a house together.

Hey, Meg, I got you something
for our three-week anniversary.

Wow, a Maroon 5 CD.

Yeah, I remember how you told me
you liked terrible music,

so I thought you might appreciate it.

You're so thoughtful!

- What the hell?
- What's wrong?

Uh...

Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your
dad is sitting at that table over there.

- What? Where?
- Well, I can't tell if it's him.

I think he's wearing
some kind of disguise.

Oh, my God, Dad!

What do you think you're doing?

(IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT)
Peter? Who Peter?

I didn't say "Peter." I said "Dad."

Ohhh!

Have you been spying on us
the entire time we've been dating?

Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure
this guy treats you right

and doesn't try anything funny.

Meg, this is more than I can deal with.

If your father is this opposed
to our relationship,

- I don't see how it can work out.
- But, Michael...

I'm sorry, Meg.
I promise I won't forget you.

See, look, Meg. He just walked out on you.
He's a bad man,

like Jodie Foster.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, no, Jodie. It's my husband.
He's home from work early.

(IN MALE VOICE) Don't worry, baby.
He had to find out sometime.

(FARTS)

All right, Brian,
I'm gonna go up to the upper level

and run this wire down through the wall.

Grab your walkie.
I'll call you when I get up there.

Okay.

- STEWIE: Brian, pick up. Over.
- What?

Brian, please say '"over'"
when you finish talking. Over.

What? Over.

Do you see the wire yet? Over.

- No.
- No what? Over.

No. Over.

Okay, I'm gonna start
feeding it through. Over.

Wait, if you haven't started feeding it,
why'd you ask me if I could see it?

Didn't copy that. Over.

I said, why'd you ask me if I could see it if
you haven't started feeding it?

- Over.
- Oh, that's better.

I can hear you now. Over.
Do you see it yet? Over.

You know, you're a jackass.

For the record, I don't wanna hang out
with you anymore when this is over.

When this is what, Brian? Over.

I said, I don't wanna hang out
with you anymore when this is over.

When this is what?
You gotta finish your sentence. Over.

- That's it. My sentence is over.
- Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.

My sentence is... Wait a minute.

I have to say "over," even if the sentence
ends with the word "over"?

Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.

- Oh, I see the wire.
- You see the wire what? Over.

Over.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight's movie presentation
is brought to you by Sanka.

(SINGING) Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka

Don't you wanna, wanna Sanka

It doesn't keep me up at night,
but it helps me poo.

(SOBBING)

Meg, sweetie, it's been like two weeks.

Don't you think it's time
to forget about that boy?

Yeah, Meg, he was a bum anyway.
You'll find another fella.

I could set you up with one of my friends.

Oh, wait, I don't have any friends.

I could set you up with Dad.

Dad, would you be interested
in dating Meg?

I certainly would.
There, Meg, everything's fine.

- It's not Michael I'm upset about!
- Well, what is it, then?

I'm pregnant!

Dad, I swear to God, I didn't know that
when I set you up with her.

Oh, I can't believe this.

My baby's pregnant.
How could this happen?

I don't know, but regardless of
how it happened, it happened.

You're pregnant, Meg,
and there's only one thing to do.

Meg, can you turn over?
I gotta get that thing out of there.

You're sitting on my shirt.
I gotta put it on this hanger.

Now, I'm going to Michael's house
to force him to marry you.

Dad, please don't do this!
You can't make him marry me!

I just wanna talk to him.

- Why do you have a shotgun?
- I just wanna talk to him.

- Dad, this is ridiculous!
- I just wanna talk to him.

- Put that gun away!
- I just wanna talk to him.

Wait, what are you doing?
It is not his fault.

- It was an accident!
- I just wanna shoot him.

- You can't shoot him!
- I just wanna talk to him.

Wait, what are you doing?

- You got my Meg pregnant.
- What?

Oh, my God, Meg, why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't think you wanted to see me.
- But this changes everything.

I wanna be there for you, Meg. I love you.

- Will you marry me?
- Yes! Of course!

Now, see, that's an
even more beautiful sight

than 72 virgins
waiting in heaven for a suicide bomber.

Here I am!

We're playing Magic: The Gathering.
Wanna join?

Osama!

Um...

- You know something, Brian?
- Yeah?

I'm starting to think maybe we bit off
a little more than we could chew.

- Yeah.
- Well, we're in it,

and we're gonna finish the job.

Should we get started on the upper level?

- No.
- What the hell are we gonna do?

We've sunk all of our money
into this place.

I've got an idea. I'll be right back.

So, listen,
we're gonna want to be leaving now.

- Why?
- Because I just emptied

a full tank of gasoline and lit a match.
We've got about five seconds.

Didn't we have an electrician
in there today?

He left. Pretty sure he left.

Isn't that his truck?

Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers.

I guess this means
you'll be going to doggie hell.

(LAUGHING)

(DOGS YELPING)

Hey, what do you guys think of this one?

Meg, are you sure
you wanna go through with this?

You know, there are other options.

Mom, I'm not getting an abortion!

Well, I'm not saying an abortion per se,
but maybe you just drink and smoke a lot.

- What?
- Just don't start doing it

and then chicken out
halfway through the pregnancy,

because then you wind up with Chris.

Well, Lois, I got the cake.

Oh, and they were all out of
the bride and groom figurines,

so I got the Iron Giant

and a courtroom doll that kids use to
show where the molester touched them.

All right, Meg,
enjoy your bachelorette party.

I am outta here, 'cause I don't need to see

what you crazy girls are gonna do
while I'm gone,

but just remember this is a residence

and should be treated as such.
And if you girls drink anything,

there's recycling under
the sink in the kitchen.

Okay, have fun.

So, what are we supposed to do?

Yeah, this doesn't seem
like much of a party.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, what's with all the noise?
Got some complaints from next door.

I might have to take you girls downtown.

(CLUB MUSIC PLA YING)

Which one of you is the lucky bride?

What's your name, sweetie?

Dad, you know my name.

(EX CLAIMS)

It's Officer Nasty. Careful,
I might be carrying a concealed weapon.

- Hello.
- Hi. Name, please?

Neil Goldman.

Goldman, Goldman.
Sorry, no Neil Goldman.

Oh, I beg your pardon,
I meant to say Chris Griffin.

Griffin, Griffin.

Here it is.
Says you're supposed to be an usher.

- Well, you'll need this.
- Name, please?

- Chris Griffin.
- Griffin, Griffin.

I'm sorry, sir.
Chris Griffin has already checked in.

Well, that's impossible!

(SOBBING)

Meg, are you ready?

Sweetie, what's wrong?

- Mom, I can't do it. I can't get married.
- What? Well, why not?

Because I'm not pregnant.

What do you mean? How do you know?

(SIGHS)

I got my period.

Oh.

I must've read the test wrong.
What am I gonna do?

Michael's out there waiting for me.

Well, Meg,
the best thing you can do is be honest.

Just tell Michael the truth.

If he cares about you, he'll understand.

I'll try. Thanks, Mom. I love you.

I... You, too, honey.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

God, look at Meg's fat shoulders
in those spaghetti straps.

It's like bread baking around twine.

- Meg, you look beautiful.
- Thank you, Michael.

I have never been more in love with
someone than I am with you right now.

Oh, Michael, I love you, too.

And I have some wonderful news.
I'm not pregnant.

BOTH: What?

(DOOR SLAMS)

Dad, I'm sorry about this whole mess.

You know what, Meg? It's all my fault.

I never should have
dragged you into this anyway.

I guess sometimes a father just gets
a little overprotective of his daughter,

but you gotta know
I was only thinking about your happiness.

I know, Dad, and I appreciate it.

The problem now is that
these people are expecting a show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

(APPLAUDING)

(SINGING) Hello, darling

Nice to see you

It's been a long time

You're just as lovely as you used to be

How's your new love?

Are you happy?

Hope you're doing fine

Just to know it means so much to me