Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - Long John Peter - full transcript

God, I hate coming to the vet.

They charge me 90 bucks a day
to keep Brian here.

For 60 bucks, I could
put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Eh? Who's with me?

My apologies, my pet cricket
has restless leg syndrome.

I hope Brian's stomach pains
aren't anything serious.

Look at that, Lois,
that's why cats freak me out.

It's doing that weird stretchy-leg thing
where they lick themselves.

Look at that, huh?
Look at that shit.

Ew.

Oh, thank God the vets are here
to help Brian.



I wanna be a veterinarian
when I grow up.

Meg, we've been over this.
You're gonna gain 150 pounds...

...and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.

- But, Dad...
- Meg, that's final.

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.

See, this bird knows
what I'm talking about.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- You're polite.
- You're polite.

You do not see that these days,
you do not see that. I like you.

- I like you.
- Oh, thank God.

You never know
what somebody thinks of you.

I'm glad I made
a good first impression.

- Would you like to be friends?
- Like to be friends.

Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.



- What's your name? I'm Peter.
- Peter.

No way, that's my name.

You should spend the night
at my house.

Lois, make up the guest room.

Peter, that's someone's pet,
you can't just take it.

Well, maybe
they'd never know it's gone.

- Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're okay.
- Yes, he's doing fine.

We were able to clear the stomach
obstruction. It was a used diaper.

- Ew.
- Gross.

Oh, ho, ho, yes.

Get off my back.
I thought it was Indian food.

Oh, thank you so much for your help,
Dr. Jewish.

- I thought we were gonna lose him.
- It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

Go ahead and check out
with my intern Anna.

We return to Busy Business
Lady Whose Life is Missing Something...

...but She Doesn't Realize It
Because She's So Busy with Business.

I cannot make
that business meeting.

I got a different business meeting
at 3, we'll be doing business.

- Wondering if you're free for coffee.
- Oh, no, I can't.

I've got a lunch meeting and
a meeting after lunch. After that...

Shh, shh, shh.

Over the next 90 minutes,
I'd like to show you...

...that all your problems
can be solved by my penis.

Hey, guys. What is going on?

- No way.
- That thing don't bite, do it?

- Guys, say hello to Adrian Beaky.
- Pick a lane, bitch.

Ain't that funny? Heard me
say that on the way over.

I gotta pee,
where's that Snapple bottle?

I had a gay experience at camp.

We had the radio on, and they
were talking about some goofy stuff.

What are you guys drinking?

Peter, you look like a pirate
with that thing on your shoulder.

- A pirate? Oh, cool.
- You should get a pirate name.

- And a peg leg.
- And a hook hand.

You should have sex
with that crossing guard...

...even though
I found out she was 12.

I mean, you should get an eye patch.

Eye patch would be cool.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop
going into your mouth...

...we can just do that.
- Shut up, Stewie.

Mom, can we go back to the vet
and see the pretty vet assistant again?

Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look.

Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys.

Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

Ha, ha.

- There's me wench.
- Peter, what the hell are you doing?

That's Long John Peter to you,
porthole.

Fetch me five tankards of ale
and a leg of mutton for me mateys.

Who are those guys?

Just a few sea dogs
from my fishing boat days.

I don't care, they stink.
Get them out of here.

They stink of good cheer, Lois. Ha-ha.

After we've had our fill
of bread and wine...

...we shall tell tales of other times
we had our fill of bread and wine.

God, this is a more disturbing sight
than Tom Hanks and E.T. In Philadelphia.

Ouch.

There you go. You're good.

- You didn't touch me.
- I don't wanna get AIDS.

Aah! Kristallnacht!

Aha! 'Tis Long John Peter and his
merry men come seeking plunder.

All your Tucks medicated pads
be ours.

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh, God. What are you do...?

Aha. For no reason, I'm going to fire
this cannon all over your store.

Aha. Terrible pharmacy toys.

We'll see to it
that no child ever receives these...

...as a last-minute gift
hastily bought on the way to the party.

Dear me, it's almost 3:00.
I've got to get this shipment...

...of sugarcane, tobacco and spices
to the harbor before day's end.

That car is coming up awfully fast.

But at least it's flying the British flag.

Oh, no, privateers.

No doubt they're after my sugarcane,
tobacco and spices.

Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about
to let you over-egg this pudding.

Ha-ha.

Prepare to be boarded.

You'll never take my cargo.

Load the cannon.

All clear, sir.

Shoot it again!

What? I didn't understand that.

I said, "shoot it again,"
but I said it pirate-like.

Well done, you barnacle-munching
scallywiggers.

Sir, we've got a man down.

Oh, my God, Adrian Beaky,
say something.

Shoot me.

Oh, God. This is my fault. I did this.

I've screwed up worse
than Disney did...

...when they cast Michael J. Fox
in that Zorro remake.

Who was that masked man
who saved us?

I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish.
Is he gonna live?

Mr. Griffin, your parrot is dead.

No!

Did he at least die with dignity?

Well, he convulsed a lot
and fell off the operating table.

Then he flopped around a little
on the floor.

A nurse accidentally stepped on him,
and kicked him into a puddle of urine.

Which must have frightened him.
His bowels released all over himself.

I tried to pick him up, but I got angry
because some of it got on my thumb.

So I threw him against the wall,
that's where he died.

That's the way I wanna go.

- I'm really sorry about your dad's parrot.
- Well, that's okay.

He'll get over it quickly
and move on to another wacky thing.

Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

- My name's Anna.
- I'm Chris.

Sometimes I have to poop
for a long time.

Now you say something.

You're funny, but I bet
a lot of girls tell you that, huh?

Well, the only girl I know is my sister,
and she sucks.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Wow, we're having a conversation.

Listen, I have to get back to work,
but, um, would you maybe...

...wanna go out some time?
- Yes!

- Great. Here's my number.
- Awesome.

Oh, no. I broke the pipe organ.

Hey, look the deed to a cattle ranch.

So, um...

...how do you like working at the vet?

Oh, it is so rewarding.

Ever since I was a little girl
I have loved working with animals.

Did you make it
with one of the dogs?

- What?
- I mean, did you enjoy your appetizer?

- It hasn't come yet.
- Oh, I mean...

...did you ever make it
with one of the dogs? No, stupid!

- Chris, just relax.
- Um, okay.

So, what kind of stuff
do you like to do and junk?

Well, I really enjoy
some of the music...

...black people
have been coming up with lately.

You know, Anna,
when I first saw you...

...I thought you were
the most beautiful girl...

...and now all I wanna do
is show you my innermost self...

...but I'm afraid you'll reject me
because you won't like what you see.

Or that you'll see my scrotum
and see that seam on it...

...then you'll think I'm made up
of two guys sewn together...

...because that's
what I think happened...

Chris, I like you.

- You don't have to try so hard.
- I'm sorry.

When I'm around a pretty girl
I get worked up...

...like a kid
watching a toy commercial.

Kids, kids, kids.

Shiny. Gooey. Stretchy. Fun.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

Sticky. Yummy. Bouncy. Fun.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

- Fly it.
- Yeah!

- Toss it.
- Awesome.

- Swim it.
- Aw.

- Eat it.
- Whoa.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

Kids! Kids! Aah! It's so awesome!

I want it.

Hey, fellas. Um...

I have a question.

I went on a date
with this girl that I really like...

...and if you don't mind, I was hoping
I could ask you a few questions...

...about the birds and the bees.

- Ah, my boy wants to know about sex.
- Came to the right place.

Chris, what you always wanna remember
is that sex is perfectly natural.

Well, uh, sorry, Mr. Swanson,
I wasn't really talking to you.

Chris, I know a lot about sex.

Yeah,
and I'm sure you have fond memories...

...but I was hoping to get advice...

...from someone who isn't broken
from the waist down.

- I'm a father!
- You're a two-wheeled monster!

That's gonna be my ringtone.
Quagmire, call me.

Ha-ha-ha.

I have to get to work, Chris.
I have tons of dogs to incinerate.

But I can't wait to see you
tomorrow night.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
I'll clean that up.

Oh, that's okay. I'll get it.
Have fun at work.

Okay. Bye, Chris.

- What do you think you're doing?
- What?

You, a man, are cleaning up a mess
made by Anna, a woman...

...that she, also a woman...

...spilled on you, a man.
- So?

You're treating her like a human.

If you wanna get anywhere with a chick,
you can't treat them nice-like.

- Really?
- Trust me, Chris.

Next time you see this girl,
treat her like crap.

And you'll be cooler than a mid-'80s
novelty answering-machine message.

I'm glad you called, but I'm not home

But I'll be back before too long

Gotta wait for the beep
Gotta leave your name

Gotta leave your number
Wait for the beep

It's me again,
I just had to hear it one more time.

Chris, is everything okay?

You seem a little,
I don't know, quiet tonight.

Yeah, everything's fine.

Yes, can I have two tickets?

One man and one bitch
that needs to do what I say.

- What? That's not funny, Chris.
- Here's your ticket.

- Pick that up.
- Chris, why are you acting like this?

Pick that up and cook it
into something delicious...

...or knit it into something
that's useful to me.

Um...

Are you ready to make out now?

Why in the world would I wanna do that
after what you just said?

You're not the person
I thought you were.

I never wanna see you again. I can't
believe I thought you were special.

Anna, wait.

Oh, no. What did I do?

Chris, guess what we just did.
Bonnie, tell him.

- We had sex.
- We had sex!

We had what Joe calls sex.

Chris, honey, what's wrong?

- Anna took a dump on me.
- What?

Yeah, she broke up with me.

Oh, she dumped you.
That's what you meant to say.

- What's the difference?
- Well, what you said first was what...

Well, I mean, when two grownups
love each other very much...

...sometimes they show it by...
Never mind.

So, what happened?

I don't know.
I did everything Dad said.

I should've known
Peter had something to do with this.

You're not the first person
whose life he's screwed up.

Knock, knock.
Nicole, Ronald, who's ready for Boggle?

Oh, my God. No!

Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole.

My man Ronald. Who did this?

Oh, man, they were so good together.

We were just establishing
our friendship.

They were about to get engaged.

Oh, he was gonna ask me
to be an usher.

He already had enough groomsmen,
so he made me an usher...

...but just to think I could be involved
in the ceremony in any way.

You told Chris
to act like a jerk to this girl?

- Well, define Chris.
- Peter, he's really upset right now.

I mean, he cared about this girl a lot.
Can't you see what you've done?

I don't know.
I mean, I thought I was helping.

But you may be right...

...because now Chris is all sad
and crying and fat and bad at sports.

Well, you created this mess,
and you have to help him fix it.

Man, parenting is more complicated
than making a 1940s phone call.

Hello, operator?
Crestview 4162, please.

One moment, please.

- Hello.
- Hello?

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Well, what do you know about that?

Hey, Chris, it's me.
I got something for you here.

- What is it?
- I caught you a bullfrog outside.

Poked some holes in its back
so it can breathe.

See, look at this... Oh, boy.

All right, hang on, hang on.

I'm never gonna be happy again.

I know how you feel, son,
but you can't give up.

Let's get out there
and meet some ladies.

But I don't wanna date anyone else.
I want Anna.

Chris, you don't wanna miss out
experiencing your teenage years.

You'll feel as bad as I do
when I miss the toilet.

Peter Griffin!

Have a seat.
Your date will be here any minute.

In fact, I think she'll be coming
through that door.

Hey, Chris, I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.

Your dad told me all about you.
You sound like a swell fella.

Uh, thanks. So where are you from?

I'm from the rich part of town,
so you know I'm a good egg.

But I'm more interested in you.

- Did you finish your homework today?
- What?

You know,
your dad's got a birthday coming up.

Given any thought
to what you might be getting him?

How do you know
when my dad's birthday is?

Well... It doesn't matter. What are you
getting your dad for his birthday?

I don't know. A tie.

Oh, I don't know
if he would want one of those.

I think he's got enough ties.

He might...

I don't want a tie. Pick something else.

Chris, this is Barbara.

The girl you used to have a crush on.

You kids enjoy yourselves,
and I'll create some atmosphere.

This is a favorite by Men at Work.

Do you come
From a land down under?

Do you hear the thunder?

Of a land down under

Look at me
With a brand-new Hyundai

I don't understand,
your blind date should be here now.

She answered the ad.

Whoa.

So still no luck on the girlfriend, huh?

I know Dad's been trying to help.
I'm trying to listen to him...

...but nothing seems to be working.

I know I asked him to help...

...but it occurs to me you've
been taking advice from everyone...

...except the one person
who matters.

What do you want, Chris?

All I want
is to go out with Anna again.

Then you just need to go talk to her
and tell her exactly how you feel.

But she said
she never wants to see me again.

Well, I'm sure you can come up
with some excuse to see her at the vet.

Is there any more coffee?

Anna, I'm here with my dog.

He's not feeling well.

Fuck you.

Don't you think
you'd rather go to another vet?

Anna, to be honest.

I came here
because I wanted to apologize...

...for acting like such a jerk.

- That's not who I am.
- Oh, yeah. No, no.

- No, yeah, no, you're a cool guy.
- Brian, shut up!

I was just really nervous because
I've never had a girlfriend before...

...and I wanted to make sure
I didn't do anything wrong.

You know, you really hurt me, Chris.

I know, I was wrong.
I don't wanna hurt anybody, Anna.

Please, just give me another chance.

- Gosh, he doesn't look so good.
- I know.

But you do.

You know, I get off at 4.

I might just be up for a movie.

Okay, somebody really needs
to help me here.