Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Mother Tucker - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Oh, this is so exciting.

Maybe we'll get lucky
and see another crash this year.



Yeah, we can get some souvenirs.

Last year, I got an altimeter
and a shinbone.

This is boring. I'd rather be home
watching that video from The Ring.

Peter, don't.
They say if you watch that video, you die.

That's a lot of baloney.

Look, there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.

Ladies and gentlemen,
keep your eye on the sky

for the aerial acrobatics
of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Gonna need some help here.

All right.

Wait a minute, where...
Oh, my God, where's Stewie?

Don't panic, Lois, we'll find him.
I'm good at picking people out of a crowd.

Oh, gosh, this is hard.

Yeah, could I get
a better look at number two?



And, number four,
could you step forward, too?

Okay, number five, look at number one.

Look at him like you haven't seen him
in a while and you're happy.

Okay, not too happy, not too happy.
Pull it back, pull it back.

Okay, and number three, could you say,

'"Julie, I promise to get back on
my feet before the baby arrives. '"

Julie, I promise to get back on
my feet before the baby arrives.

- He's good.
- Yeah, he's always good.

- Very good.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Stewie. Stewie.

Hey, everybody, it's Weenie and the Butt
here live at the Quahog air show.

We're all ready
for the Weenie sound-alike contest.

I don't know, Butt. I don't think they
can say my catchphrase, because

"They no funny. "

There it is.

And if you think you can say that
just like Weenie here,

you could win $97.1
for the cool weekend ahead.

Weenie and the Butt.
Weenie and the Butt.

Cool weekends
in the morning, 97. 1 FM.

Cool weekends in the morning
with Weenie and the Butt.

WQHG 97. 1.

97. 1. 97. 1.

Weenie and the Butt.

In the morning, cool weekends.

FM.

- Weenie, Weenie, Weenie.
- And the Butt.

And welcome back.

Excuse me, I gotta find a lost kid.
Can I use your mike?

That's what she said.

You got Butt-slammed!

- Listen, I could really use a hand here.
- That's what he said.

Butt slam!

That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.

Manic Monkey, 97. 1.

Cool weekends in the morning.

All weekend long.
- Weenie and the Butt.

In the morning. In the morning.

- On the radio.
- FM.

Give me that. Stewie Griffin,
will you please report to the radio booth.

Stewie Griffin.

Hey, that's quite a voice you've got there.

- You ever think about doing radio?
- Well, I listen to a lot of radio.

Peter and Lois leave the radio on
when they go out

so I feel like somebody's home.

Well, here's my card.
Call me if you're interested.

Hey, okay, we've got our first contestant.

Let's hear Weenie's catchphrase.

"They no funny. "

I think we have a wiener!

And that's Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey,
on 97.1.

Dicky, the Punch Line Donkey,
on cool 97. 1.

Cool weekends.
- On the radio.

In the morning.
- FM. Cool.

- WQHG. Cool weekends.
- In the morning.

- On 97. 1.
- 97. 1.

And now back to Round Table,

with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis,
Ray Romano and Kermit the Frog.

Rezoning laws are infringing
on the rights of citizens.

If I might interrupt for a minute,
I'd like to point out...

You've had your time.
Let someone else speak.

I haven't said a word. It was that guy.

Don't look at me.
I can't get a word in edgewise.

Well, then who the hell's been talking
this whole time?

- Thelma.
- Hello, darling.

My God, what a pleasant surprise.

- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Peter, I left your father.

- What?
- Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

I never see you,
and then you finally come visit me

and you drop a bombshell like this?

This is just like what happened
at the Peanuts reunion.

Stupid song.

What are you looking at?

Yeah, it's me.

Your old punching bag, Charlie Brown.

Everybody wish Snoopy was here?
And Woodstock?

Everybody wish Snoopy and Woodstock
was here? Well, they're dead.

And guess what? I sold Snoopy the junk.

That's right, he got it from me.

I swear I didn't know how strong it was.

And now he's dead. They're both dead.

I don't give a crap about Woodstock,
but Snoopy...

Get off me, you skank.

- I can't believe you left Dad.
- I have needs that he didn't satisfy.

And I'm still a young woman, Peter.
82 is the new 74.

I'm putting my fine ass
back on the market.

Boy, this is really going to upset my
evil brother, Thaddeus.

This will surely affect my inheritance.

Hi, there, I'm Brian Griffin,

and you're listening to The Lunch Hour,
serving up food for the mind.

Today's entree is politics.
What's on your mind today?

The governor's budget?
Stem cell research?

Give us a hot spoonful of your opinion.
Okay, we have a question from Quahog.

Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour.
Can I take your order?

Yes, I'll have a big helping
of the pretentious crap.

Sometimes the crazy ones get through.

Okay, we have Rose from Cranston
on the phone.

Welcome, Rose, can I take your order?

Yes, that turkey,

that raw turkey that you ate off
the counter last week that got Lois mad,

when you pooped that out,
was the timer still in there?

And we're out of time.
This has been The Lunch Hour.

Join us next week,
when our guest will be Gore Vidal.

And remember, life is full of entrees,
so don't fill up on bread.

I'm gonna throw you now to
Weenie and the Butt in the afternoon.

Weenie and the Butt.

97. 1.
- In the afternoon.

In the afternoon.

- Oh, my God.
- WQHG.

Turn it on and rip the knob off.

You're listening to the radio.

Sir, I'm very sorry.
That was this guy I know.

- He thinks he's hilarious.
- He is hilarious.

I was on my way in here
to cancel your show,

but the banter you did with that guy...

Well, as we say in the radio business,

"If you put that on the radio,
people will listen to it. "

Make him part of the show.

You don't want him.
He's not really a professional like me.

Listen, you get that kid in here.
We need more laughs on the show.

Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse
than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.

In my view, as good as the Yankees
were in the first half of this game,

that's how as bad they've been now.

Poor Peter. I know he's having a hard time
with this whole divorce thing.

I feel kind of guilty that I'm here
looking for a date.

Thelma, stop that.
You have a right to be happy.

And there's a lot of great people here.
Why don't you mingle?

- Oh, my God, Lois, you single now?
- No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma.

- Who's Thelma?
- This is Thelma.

I don't know if this is gonna work, Lois.
I'm a little shy at these types of things.

You can overcome shyness.

Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web
who had to overcome Tourette's.

I don't know, Lois.

I haven't met a single interesting person.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
trying to get back on my feet

after having my ass handed to me
by my bitch of an ex-wife.

- I'm Thelma.
- I'll just be going.

Can I get you some punch?

Oh, no. You see, if you're
one of 10 million Americans like me...

- Like me.
- Like me.

...with a bladder control problem,
punch just goes right through you.

I didn't hear you come in last night.

Did you have a good time
at your prostitutes' convention?

Peter, I was just trying to help your
mother meet some new friends.

Lois, you're too nosey.

Like that waiter at that restaurant.

And who had the prime rib?

I hardly think that's any of your business.

Come on, Mom,
you can't stay in bed all day.

You gotta call Dad
and get back together with...

Holy crap!

We'll have more on these new
developments after this.

I can't believe what I saw in there.

You were messing around in what was
basically my first apartment.

Peter, you should be happy for her.

- She's just having fun.
- I don't see what the problem is.

Tom is a wonderful man.

I don't see the problem, either,

but let's go to Ollie Williams
for the in-depth analysis. Ollie?

- Lady's old.
- Thanks, Ollie. Over to you, Peter.

Look, this isn't right, you know?

I mean,
you guys are like Harold and Maude.

What would your grandchildren think?

I would be remiss in my duty

if I did not tell you

that the idea of... intercourse

and the fact of your firm young body

commingling with... withered flesh,

sagging breasts

and flabby buttocks

makes me want to vomit.

Tom Tucker, I forbid you
to see my mother.

Peter, you can't talk to Tom that way.

He won a local Emmy
for his work with the retardeds.

They certainly wanted to hug me.
Maybe, in time, you will, too.

Thanks for watching. I'm Tom Tucker.
Good night.

All right, look.
Let's get one thing straight, Stewie.

The only reason you're here is that
my boss ordered me to bring you on.

All right? This is my show, and it's a
serious, intellectual hour of discussion,

- and I want to keep it that way.
- Hey, no problem.

All right. In three, two, one.

This is The Lunch Hour with your host...

Hey, what's up, Quahog?

From the station that reaches the beaches,
you're listening to Dingo and the Baby.

Dingo and the Baby.

97. 1, Quahog.

Oh, baby.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell does that have to do
with anything?

They're just wacky sounds,
you know, to liven things up.

- D-i-n-g-o.
- Dingo.

Dingo and the Baby.

Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Peter, would you stop spying
on your mother's date?

I can't stand it anymore, Lois.
I'm gonna put a stop to this.

- Hello?
Hello, yes.

This is Tom Tucker's personal physician,
Dr. Tand the Women.

Could you tell Tom his contagious
penis cancer medicine is ready?

- Is this Peter?
- No, it's Lois.

Lois, don't crank call my mother.
I'm gonna have to pinch you for that.

Peter, don't pinch me.

- Stop that.
- Knock it off, damn it!

Cut it out. Maybe I'll tickle you,
huh, how about that?

- No, don't.
- Here you go.

- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- Cut it out. Stop it.

I mean it. I mean it.

Well, I told you to stop.

I tickle you, you hit me in the head
with a frying pan?

- I told you to stop.
- I taste blood.

Well, there's a lot of it.

Hey, there, champ.

Peter, I know this is all a big adjustment
for you,

but all I want is for your mom to be happy.

Well, why can't she go back with my dad?

Well, I can't answer that, but I'm gonna
do my best to make her even happier

than those kids on Three Wishes
with Amy Grant.

- What's your wish, Billy?
- Can you cure my cancer?

No, but how about if Spider-Man gives
you a $50 gift card to Sears?

Here. Get well.

You know,
I heard a rumor about you today.

- You did?
- Yup. I heard you like milkshakes.

- Oh, boy, do I!
- Let's go get ourselves a shake, huh?

Yeah.

- I want to get a milkshake, too.
- Too bad. Go get your own father.

Hey, Carl,
can I get a carton of smokes, please?

Sure, Brian.

And what's that little rubber
mailman you got behind there?

- Oh, you like that, huh?
- Yeah, does that thing squeak?

Yeah, it does.

All right, I'll take that, and I'm
gonna hurry home and show it to Lois.

Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

You're Dingo, that dog that plays
all those fart sounds on the radio.

Awesome!

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry about that,
the show's gotten a little lowbrow.

What are you talking about?
It's, like, the most hilarious show ever.

- Hey, could I get your autograph?
- My... Really?

Wow, you're...

Gosh, you're making me feel more
important than a dwarf among midgets.

- Hey, can you reach the Crispix?
- Yes, I can.

How awesome is this?
Going out to dinner with my new family.

Hi, can I help you?

- I want... I want that one.
- All right, hold on, we'll get you that one.

- I want straws.
- We'll get you a straw.

- You want a kid's meal?
- No.

- Do you mean "yes"?
- Yes.

Okay, one kid's meal.
And what'll you have, honey?

I'll have a fish sandwich and a Sanka.

Oh, he's adorable.

Say hi to the nice lady, Peter. Oh, he's shy.

We now return
to the Sunday afternoon movie,

Masturbator and Commander.

Captain, the enemy ship
has opened fire on us.

I'll be right out.
- Sir, we've already lost 10 men.

- Hang on.
- Sir, don't you think we should return fire?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and do that,

and I'll meet you up there
in, like, five minutes.

Peter, I've never seen you so happy.

Well, Lois, I never realized
what it was like to have a real dad.

I mean, my own dad
was such a ballbuster,

I guess I just always thought
that was normal.

But Papa Tom is so different.

For the first time in my life, I feel
like I have a real family, you know?

I mean, I'm not just going through
the motions like I do around here.

Hey, champ,
you want to watch Chicken Little?

- Yeah.
- And what does a chicken say?

"Moo. "

Why not?

Come on, Ma.

Hey, what gives with the suitcase?

Tom, there's no easy way to say this.
I'll just come right out with it.

- I'm leaving.
- What? Leaving? Why?

Tommy, this has been great,

but I wasn't looking
for anything long-term.

I just needed someone to clear
all the bats out of my plumbing.

- What do we do now, Bill?
- We write, Tim.

We write our story.

Goodbye, dear.

It's all my fault!

I know it hurts right now, Peter,
but we'll get through this.

- You're still my little buddy, right?
- Yeah.

- Then we'll be okay. Goodnight, buddy.
- Goodnight Papa Tom.

- Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Lois.
- Goodnight.

Peter, this is a little strange.

No stranger than when
Darth Vader was a meter maid.

Come on, man. Cut me a break.
I was only in there for, like, five minutes.

I already started writing the ticket.

You know,
I make your annual salary in a week.

Are you happy doing what you're doing?
'Cause you're pathetic.

I gotta do it, Karen.
I just gotta take a shot.

That guy... That guy just got to me today.

You do whatever you think is right,
and I'll support it.

I don't really understand it.
What do you want this loan for?

I want to build a giant space station
that can destroy a planet.

I don't know that that would be a good
investment on our end.

I mean, I want to open a sports bar.

Good morning, Quahog.

You're here with Dingo...

And the Baby...

And if you're thinking about changing
the station...

Don't you do it!

Today we got homeless Hank
from the dumpster out back with us.

Hey, I got an idea.

How about the first three women
willing to come down

and have sex with Hank get free boob jobs
courtesy of Dr. John Viener?

- Are you reading my mind, man?
- Let's go to the phones.

Go ahead, caller,
you're on with Dingo and the Baby.

Is this Dingo?
- Yes, honey, what's your name?

Sindy, with an "S."

- Hot. Hot.
- Oh, yeah, that's hot, that is hot.

Tell me something, Sindy,

how'd you like to come down here
and get naked for us?

Sure.

I think we got a show.

- Oh, yeah, we got a show.
- We definitely got a show.

Oh, yeah, there's a show.

After all, AIDS is a deadly,
incurable disease.

But no matter how you come to judge
Charles Wheeler and his partners

in ethical, moral, and in human terms,

the fact of the matter is,

when they fired Andrew Beckett
because he had AIDS,

they broke the law.

My God, what is wrong with you?

I swear to God
that was supposed to be "food fight. "

- I want some ice cream.
- No, Peter, you finish your food.

You, hey... You get back here
right now, mister.

Don't you... Get down from that chair
or you're in big trouble.

You put that ice cream back right now.

I mean it. I am not kidding around.
I am not gonna say it again.

If you put that ice cream in your mouth,
you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

- I hate you, I hate you. I want my mommy.
- Well, I'm the best you've got.

All right, so you know the drill.

We're gonna turn on the hot dog cannon,

and for every hot dog
that you catch in your mouth,

you get $100 toward a boob job
that you desperately need.

- I know.
- Okay, here we go.

A miss.

You got her in the eye with that one.

That one was a teat-seeking missile.

I'm looking for Brian Griffin.

- Gore Vidal?
- I was supposed to do The Lunch Hour.

- This is The Lunch Hour.
That one felt like my dad.

Incest in the morning.
Suppressed memories.

97. 1.

I think I may have made a mistake.

No, no, no, no, this is it.
You're in the right place.

Listen, why don't you
stick around and talk for a while.

My listeners would love to hear
about your new book.

$100, boob job!
- I'm gonna go.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Hey, it's all about ratings, baby,
and we got 'em.

No, it wasn't worth it.
I'm sorry, Stewie, I can't do this anymore.

I'm more of a sellout than you were when
you did those Butterfinger commercials.

Nobody better lay a finger
on my Butterfinger.

- What's your problem?
- Papa Tom's being a jerk.

At least he talks to you.

He's my dad and he hasn't
paid attention to me in weeks.

Well, all in all, you should be thankful.

I think the Kennedys had a kid like you,
and they had it put to sleep.

Hey, Peter, I'm sorry about that business
with the ice cream.

I guess I'm just still a little torn up
about your mom.

But, hey, I'll make it up to you.
Let's play catch.

Okay.

Wait a minute. You know what?

- I think you should play catch with Jake.
- Really?

Yeah, I had a taste of what it was like
to have a real father.

I can't make him share his.

Well, all right, Peter. Come on, Jake.

I guess I've learned a little something
about what it means to be a good dad.

Hey, Dad, do you want to play baseball?

Oh, my God, could you leave me alone?
You are the neediest kid.

- I can't believe you gave up our show.
- Yeah, sorry.

I wonder who they got to replace us.

- It's magic hour with Dark Chocolate...
- And the Rod.

In Rod we trust.
97. 1.

Giggity Giggity Goo.