Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Peter's Two Dads - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Mom, Dad, I decided I want a big party
this year with all my friends.

And maybe a band? Is that cool?



- Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Sure.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Sure.

Oh, thanks, guys, you're the best.

What's she talking about?
A party for what?

I don't know. She have her period
or something? Is she getting married?

No, if she was getting married,

we probably would have
seen a guy around, right?

Sound reasoning.

- You guys. It's Meg's birthday next week.
- Oh, my God. It is.

Peter, we got to put together a party.

Oh, man, I hate kids' birthday parties.

This is gonna be worse
than that time I was stuck

behind Robert Loggia at the airport.

- May I have your name please?
- Robert Loggia.

Can you spell that for me?



Certainly. That's Robert Loggia.
R as in Robert Loggia.

O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia. "

B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia. "

E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia. "

R as in Robert Loggia.

T as in " Tim, look over there,
it's Robert Loggia. "

Space.

L as in "Look, it's Robert Loggia. "

- Here you are, Brian.
- What's this?

It's an invitation to Meg's party.
I'm the party planner.

You have to RSVP.
You could do it right now if you want.

- All right, fine. I'll come to Meg's party.
- No, you have to call the RSVP line.

- You got to be kidding me.
- I'm waiting.

Ring, ring.

Aren't you gonna pick it up?

No, I'm not gonna pick it up
on the first few rings. I'm busy.

Maybe I'm in the other room.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

- Ring. Come on.
- Hello.

- Stewie?
- No.

This is Stewie's housekeeper,
Mrs. Pennyapple. I'll see if he's in. Stewie.

- Stewie.
- Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple?

- You've got a telephone call.
- Who is it?

- He didn't say.
- Well, find out, would you?

- Who is this?
- It's Brian.

- It's Brian.
- Oh, Brian.

Probably RSVPing about Megan's party.
Hello, Brian.

- Hi, Stewie.
- What can I do for you?

I'm coming to Meg's party.

Oh, splendid, just give
your information to Mrs. Pennyapple.

Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again.
Shall I put you down for two, Brendan?

- Brian.
- Ryan.

- Brian.
- Mitchell.

- What?
- Goodbye.

Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake

and the guy wants to know how old
Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him.

- You're asking me?
- Yeah, how old is Meg?

Well, I don't know.

Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were
the one keeping track of that.

No, no, I have no idea.

Don't you remember me faking
my way through her last birthday?

You are... going on...

Fellows will fall in line

Should we just ask her how old she is?

That'd be kind of awkward, huh?

Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg
and count the rings.

- Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating.
- I don't know what that is.

You know,
we're gonna have to talk to her

and kind of steer the conversation
in a way that gets her to spill it.

Come in.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, Meg.

So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh?

You excited about turning...

Meg, I got 16 candles
for your birthday cake.

- How does that sound?
- That's not right.

So less, more,

too many, not enough?

You stupid son of a bitch,
you didn't even know how old I am.

Meg, that kind of language is
not appropriate for a girl your age.

Or is it?

I'm gonna be 17, you jerks.

She's the jerk.

All right, come on in, everybody.

Have a seat anywhere.

Meg's gonna open her presents
in a little bit.

Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it.

- Here, this is for Megan.
- What is it?

It's a cookie from lunch period
at the home.

- Well, I'm sure she'll love this.
- I want to see her eat it.

So the man asks the bartender
to recommend a good drink,

and the bartender says a grasshopper,
so the guy orders a grasshopper.

Then he's walking home

and along the way he notices
a grasshopper on the ground.

So he says to the grasshopper, " Hey, you
know there's a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper says,
"You mean, there's a drink named Irving?"

So, which one of you wants
to lose your virginity?

Mom, this party sucks.

I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail
on the Donkey? I'm not five years old.

Meg, your father worked very hard
to put this party together.

And he says he's got
a big surprise for you.

Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants,
the inebriated hobo clown.

I'm an adorable tramp who wears found
clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

A clown? Dad, I'm 17.

Meg, guess what Pee-Pants
got you for your birthday?

- A scarf.
- I don't want a scarf, Dad.

Well, then, how about a dozen scarves?

Peter, I don't think you're actually
supposed to swallow those.

Here you go, Meg.

- I don't want them.
- Take them.

Hey, are my long johns tied
to the end of those?

- No.
- Oh, God.

- Mom, can I just open my presents now?
- All right, Meg.

Thank you. What the...

Hey, let's see what else we got here.

The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD.

You're welcome.

Stewie, what are you doing?
You can't open Meg's gifts.

Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine.

Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase.
I've been dreading this day.

I'm entitled to these things, Lois,

especially after I got shafted
by that Asian Santa at the mall.

What do you want for Christmas?

I was thinking maybe
one of those old-timey...

Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas.

- What you want?
- Fire truck.

- What color?
- Red.

Next.

Peter, have you been drinking?

- Well, a little. It is a party.
- Take off that stupid costume.

You look like a damn fool.

Oh, Dad, you won't say that
when you see my grand unicycle finale.

Everyone, I'll be right back.

In the meantime, I leave you
with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin.

I don't know what we're afraid of

Nothing would change if we made love

So I'll be your friend

And I'll be your lover

All right,
this is gonna blow you guys away.

- Grandpa!
- Oh, my God.

- Is he breathing?
- Somebody call an ambulance.

Lois, maybe you better
call two ambulances.

How is he, Doctor?

Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries
were much too severe.

I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour.

Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs
and busted your spleen

and punctured your lung.

I don't know if you can hear me right now,

but I hope you know I love you, Dad.

Peter, come closer.
There's something I need to say to you.

I'm here, Dad. What is it?

Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk.

Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.
There's got to be something I can do.

Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery.

Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

I can't believe Grandpa's dead.

Well, he did kind of treat us like crap,
but, yes, it is a tragedy.

It is a tragedy.

- Excuse us.
- Yeah, we'll be right back.

- We're all gonna miss him.
- Tragic.

You know what the worst part is?

All I wanted was for my dad to tell me
he loved me.

But instead he called me
"a fat, stinking drunk. "

Those were his last words.

Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter,
but you do kind of drink a lot.

And you know,
sometimes it affects the people you love.

Oh, my God. Lois, you're right.

Booze made me fall down all those stairs.
Booze killed my father.

Well, from this day forward,
I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again.

- Peter, what're you doing?
- Crack.

- What the fuck?
- Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute.
Where'd you get crack?

- From Black's.
- What?

Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store,
there's a white guy selling it.

Look, doing crack is not
the way to stop drinking.

You need to get to the heart of why you
feel the need to drink in the first place.

Look, here. This is the number
of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.

- All right, Brian.
- Good.

Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you.
Oh, my God!

Government came and took my baby.

This is mine and this is mine
and that's mine and this is mine.

Oh, what's this?

"Hot Monogamy,
the board game for failing marriages. "

"Dare Card. Have her do a striptease

"and see how long it takes you
to get a bonner. "

What's a bonner?

Stewie, what are you doing
with my jewelry box?

- Now, you give that back to Mommy.
- No, go to hell.

Stewie, I have had just about enough
of this new selfish attitude of yours.

Now give that back to Mommy.

Very well, then.
If I can't have it, nobody can.

- That is enough.
- You struck me.

Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry.
Are you okay, sweetie?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry,
Mommy would never hurt you.

Let me give you a hug.

I haven't been this scared
since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.

She is messed up, man.

Shut up. Just shut up.
Let me fucking think.

- Push her out.
- We can't leave her alone.

Push the bitch out.

Okay, for starters,
why don't you just lay back and relax?

Loosen up them trousers.
Now, feel the air between them toes.

Feel a gentle wind blowing
the hair on them legs.

Breezing up on through
the rest of your body,

through your private areas,
through your anus.

Now let's go back in your mind
to your childhood,

to some of your deepest memories,

maybe some that aren't so happy.

You know, the anus has
the second-highest density

of nerve endings in the body.

You remembering anything?

Like maybe being the best at jump rope

and not being allowed to win the ribbon
just because you was a boy?

Or being told everything you made
in pottery class was inappropriate?

Yeah, I'm getting something.

- Happy Father's Day, Dad.
- I'm not your father.

Oh, my God.
Francis Griffin wasn't my real father.

I wonder what else I've repressed?

Oh, my God. I could've had a V8.

It was horrible, Rupert.
It was like a nightmare.

Lois came at me like a wild animal.
I had no way to defend myself.

Mother, I'm sorry
I went against your wishes.

I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother.
I'm sorry I misbehaved.

It won't happen again.

I love you, Mommy dearest.

It was awful, Rupert.

I felt terrified and brutalized
and humiliated and alive.

My God, I haven't felt that alive in years.

Rupert, you know, I think perhaps
I may be one of those people

who gets a jolly out of being hit.

Stewie, there you are.
Mommy is so sorry she hit you.

I promise I will never
lay a hand on you again.

Well, let's not make any rash decisions.
I mean, I did provoke you.

Come on, Lois, hit me.
Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes.

Oh, hi, Peter.
Are you here to bring back the TV set?

No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom,
I got to ask you something.

Who's my real father?

I knew this day would come.
All right, Peter, here it is.

About 40 years ago,
I was vacationing in Ireland

and I met a young rogue
named Mickey McFinnegan.

Peter, Mickey is your real father.

Oh, my God. I got to find him.

To Ireland.

Sweetheart, when will you be back?

I don't know, Lois,

all I know is somewhere
in the great land of Ireland

is a big, fat bastard who looks like me.

Call me as soon as you can, Peter.
And I really hope you find your real father.

- We're gonna miss you, Dad.
- Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.

That'll do, pig, that'll do.

There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can
just get her to hit me one more time,

it'll give me the rush I've been looking for.

Oh, what's next? What's next?
What's next?

Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty.

Oh, I need to be taught a lesson
and you're the one to do it.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, all that stuff,
let's make that happen.

- Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice?
- Oh, that would be lovely.

- Oh, Stewie.
- Yeah.

- Look at the mess you made.
- Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I?

Yes, I've made you take time
out of your day to clean up my mess

and I should be punished for it. Go.

Well, I guess it's not that big a deal.
Accidents happen.

Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you
should spank me or slice my nostril?

- It's all right, Stewie, now go play.
- Oh, all right.

Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist
David Tua on the wall. Punish me.

Sweetie, you really gotta...
Looks like David Tua.

You've really got to stop misbehaving.
You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

Well, you know
what will ease your stress?

Slap me across the face like a bitch.

It's all right. I'll get some Windex.

Come on. Discipline me.

Make me wear panties,
rub dirt in my eye,

violate me with a wine bottle. My God.
I really do have problems, don't I?

Welcome to Ireland.
We'll be landing in five minutes.

This is quite a country, Brian.

You know, Ireland has
more drunks per capita than people.

Oh, that's a negative stereotype.

I don't think the Irish drink
as much as people say they do.

Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village?

Devil a man who'll say
a word against it, hmm?

Is that a yes or a no?

Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where
the hills are green, the streams are clear

and the sweaters are so thick,
even the boniest-fingered nun

could poke you in the chest
and it wouldn't bother you none.

Don't be so bold with your dark hair
and your proud ways.

I can't feel a thing.

Hey, what are those guys doing?

Those are the McMurphy brothers.

They've been circling that same spot
for 50 years,

just daring each other to throw
the first punch.

- Just you try it.
- Oh, I'll try it.

- Just you try it.
- You'll feel it when I try it.

- I'd like to see you have at it.
- Would you now?

Hey, you heard of a man
named Mickey McFinnegan?

Have I heard of him?
Of course I've heard of him.

He's the town drunk.

Town drunk? Oh, my God.

You mean,
he's the disgrace of the whole town?

You lads aren't from around here,
are you?

Top of the morning, laddies.
Let me cut you an Irish rose.

I don't know exactly where
the County Cork is,

but I know where it should be.

Around here the town drunk
is a person of great honor.

- Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter.
- Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey.

Listen, this may be hard for you to believe,
but you're my father.

Oh, am I now?

Yeah, I came all the way from America
to find you.

I suppose it's money you're wanting.
I owe you some allowance and so forth.

Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want
to get to know you and be friends.

So I can finally have a real dad
who loves and respects me.

You can't be me son,
you and me are nothing alike.

Just ask me sheep, O'Brian.

Whose leg do you have to hump
to get a pint of Guinness around here?

Boy, it's amazing, isn't it?
You get two fathers,

and neither one of them wants
anything to do with you.

There's got to be some way

I can make him see
that I'm worthy of being his son.

About the only way I could ever impress
him is if I was a fat stinking drunk.

Peter, you're a fat,
stinking drunk.

- What?
- You're a fat, stinking drunk.

Yes, from what he's told us
that's right on the money.

Challenge him, you must.

And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Wait a minute, Brian. That's it.
I'm a fat, stinking drunk

because my father is a fat, stinking drunk.
And I got to prove it to him.

I have gotta drink him
so far under the table,

he'll have no choice but to respect me.

Get me a beer, Brian.

I am gonna prepare for this

as thoroughly
as Ben Affleck prepares for a role.

I got to be Henry Vlll in 20 minutes.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it.

Mickey McFinnegan,
I challenge you to a drinking contest.

And what makes you think you can hold
your own with the likes of me?

Because I'm your son and I'm tough.

I made it halfway through
Failure to Launch.

I just never managed to get my life
together, isn't that hilarious?

You're cute.

Done.

As we say in Ireland,

let's drink until the alcohol in our system
destroys our livers and kills us.

I got 20 on the fat one.

- Which one's the fat one?
- Which one's the fat one?

- What happened?
- Peter, you won.

My God. Nobody's ever beat me
at the game of drink.

Now do you believe that you're my dad?

Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle
that much of the creature.

You're the broth of me own
stubby shillelagh, all right.

Welcome to me family, Peter.

Did you hear that, Brian?
I'm a McFinnegan now.

I can forget all about Francis.

You know, there's something
you should always remember, Peter.

Francis may not have been your father,
but he raised you as if you were his own.

And if that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Wow. I guess you're right,
but there is one thing, Mickey.

You knocked up my mom
and never called her again.

- Yeah, so what?
- So what? So let's dance.

Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring

And he never taught me anything

But still I slap my chest and sing
of my drunken Irish dad

Oh, his face looks like a railroad map

And he never shuts his freakin' trap

But all the ladies catch the clap
from your drunken Irish dad

Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy, Morrison,
Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney

They'll tell you the same

McNulty, Mulroney
and Cotter and Clooney

All feel the same mixture
of pride and of shame

Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan

Look to the ground
when their dad passes by

Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty

Fight for his honor and then start to cry

Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm

And our moods infect us like a germ

'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm

And we don't tan well, either.

From a drunken Irish dad