Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - Patriot Games - full transcript

Family Guy:
"Patriot Games"

Synch: Fogia
Transcript: Raceman

All right,
all bets are in.

Ooh, Rupert, bad idea
trusting the Celtics.

Worse than when I trusted Brian
to pack my parachute.

Hey, Brian, care
to place a wager?

Tomorrow night on Fox's
Celebrity Boxing,

I've got Carol Channing beating
Mike Tyson in three rounds.

Carol Channing...

You've got Carol Channing, the actress,
beating Mike Tyson, the boxer.

Hell, give me
50 bucks on Tyson.



Well, you're in good company.
Betting Freddy took the same wager.

B- b-b-b-b-b-b-
b- b-b-b-b-bet!

Wait a minute. There's nothing funny
about an addiction.

Vote "no"
on Indian gaming laws.

And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing
with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing.

I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing
outlasted that barrage

in the second round
we'll never know.

Come here, young man.
I'm gonna bop you one.

- She's getting beat!
- No, she's getting mad.

Ah, you ain't so tough,
young man.

That all you got, you son of a bitch.
You're going down, young man.

You're going down!

I ca... I can't believe this.
She keeps getting up.

I'm so exhausted.



And the winner, by technical knockout,
weighing in at 67 pounds,

Carol "Put on Your
Sunday Clothes" Channing!

Yeah!

Up yours, young people.

You and your rock and roll
eight-track tapes!

I don't believe this.
I just lost a $50 bet.

You know, Mike Tyson
once beat up his wife.

But there's nothing
funny about that.

Hi, guys. We're back
from the mall.

I got new shoes.

The old ones
are in the box.

They smell and are old.

Hey, Peter, your 25th high
school reunion is next Sunday.

Eh, throw that away.
I don't wanna go.

Besides, Sunday's
my Internet porn night.

Oh, yeah!

You're my Chinese Lois.

Hey, it's me.
Knock-knock.

So, uh, you got, uh,
you got my money?

Huh? Oh, yeah.
I'll pay you soon?

Yeah, well, um,
here's a suggestion. Um...

Have the money by tomorrow
and there won't be any problems.

- Huh?
- Yeah, 24 hours.

Why? What happens
in 24 hours?

Huh? I don't know.
I'm not psychic, man.

I'm just saying it would probably be better
for everybody if you had the money tomorrow.

Yeah, all right.
I'll see what I can do.

Sweet, sweet. Great.

- Uh, how's everything else going?
- Good.

All right, all right.
See you later.

Don't forget.

Nah, you're not
going to forget.

Hey, Peter, I was
going through your garbage

and I noticed your high school
reunion is coming up.

Why were you
going through my garbage?

Well, when I stopped
over earlier,

I noticed Lois clipping her toenails
and I thought:

"Oh, man,
I gotta get in on that. "

Huh.

Yeah, I don't think
I'm going to my reunion.

Everybody's all got
their nice cars

and their big, important
jobs, and their fancy hats,

and their fresh strawberries so big
you can eat them like a hand fruit.

Peter, everyone lies at those things.
Just tell them you're a big shot.

Wait a second, Joe,
that's a great idea.

Boy, imagine what it would be
like to be a big shot.

Diego?

Sweaty.

Ah... thank you.

- Stewie. Uh, hey.
- Hey, there.

So, uh, it's been 24 hours.
Got my money?

Oh, I... You know what? Just give me
till next Friday, I'll have it for.

Oh, that's funny. I could have sworn
I said, have it today.

Yeah, I don't
have it, sorry.

Oh, well.
All right, then.

Mmm, that's good OJ.

- Yeah, that hurt? That hurt?
- What the hell?

Yeah, that doesn't
feel so good, does it?

- No, huh?
- Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Yeah, that's what
happens, man.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, that's what happens.

Where's my money?!

You gonna give me my money?
Where's my money, man?

Where's the money?

Yeah, you like that?
That feel good?

That feel good?

Where's the money, man?
Where's my money?

You've got till 5:00, you hear me?
You got till 5:00.

- You freakin' psychopath!
- Clean yourself up.

Peter, this is ridiculous.
Why can't you just be yourself?

Lois, just go along with
it. Act like I'm a big shot.

- Hey, Peter Griffin, is that you?
- Hey, Mike, long time no see.

- Wow, what, uh... what's all this?
- Oh, this? Oh, I just came from work.

I'm a Secret Agent
Astronaut Millionaire.

Cool. Where'd you
get the cowboy hat?

Space.

Oh, by the way,
this is my friend, Tom.

You're Tom Brady
from the New England Patriots!

Oh man, I got to tell you,
you kick ass, man.

In fact, I was just saying
that the other day,

to all the guys down
at the brewery.

Brewery?

I thought you were
a cowboy astronaut millionaire.

He's a fake!

Look, this cowboy hat
comes right off.

Coming here was
a huge mistake, Lois.

Peter, I know you're humiliated,
but getting drunk is not the answer.

Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got
shorter, or I'm about to throw up.

Peter, that was amazing.

I've never a seen a guy your size
who could move like that.

How would you like to play
for the New England Patriots?

Oh. I'd love to.

Say, listen, uh, Tom, could you get me
a towel? I threw up on the floor.

Sure.

And could you also
get another towel?

I also threw up on
this gentleman's bare lap.

- Could you wet the towel?
- Wet the towel, Tom?

Our top story tonight, we go live
to terrific haircut Bob Costas,

as he talks with local
man Peter Griffin,

who is living his dream of playing for
the New England Patriots. Bob?

Thanks, Tom, I'm fond
of your hair, as well.

I'm standing here with Tom Brady
and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin.

Hey, Ma! Check it out!
I'm married to a pro athlete!

What do you think of that?

We're really excited
to have Peter.

I think he's gonna make a great
addition to a great team.

I want to thank God.

Uh, I want to thank the Lord God.

Uh, 'cause it's not really up
to me, it's up to him.

Um, and I want
to thank the Devil, too.

Uh, you know, 'cause that's,
uh, that's why God's there.

He's, uh...

he's minding the fence, making sure
that guy never comes back.

Uh...

You know, if it weren't for the Devil,
God'd probably go insane,

blow his brains out
from boredom, you know?

Everybody likes to feel useful.

Make-a da world go round.

Back to you, Tom.

Diane, didn't your first husband
blow his brains out?

Oh, yes...

Coming up, America's hottest
new curse word, "kleeman. "

We'll tell you
what it means after this.

Boy, Lois, I can't believe
this is happening to me.

I'm somebody now, you know?

I- I don't have to lie to people
about my life anymore.

Oh, I am so happy
for you, Peter.

What the hell
happened to you?

I, uh...

Fell down the stairs.

Oh, you should be more careful.

All right, I'm ready. Come on, good
game. Good game, everybody. Yeah.

Come on, good game.
Let's get out there. Let's do it.

Yeah, yeah.
110%, everybody.

110%. Huh? Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Good game!

Ready! Blue 20, blue 20!
Hut, hut!

- Griffin, let go!
- Let's go?!

- Mornin'.
- Good day to you, sir.

Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell?

Getting real tired of
you ducking me, man.

- Yeah?
- Oh, my God!

Yeah, getting
really tired.

Huh?

Where's my money?!
Where's my money?

Yeah, you got money to pay
for fake moustaches, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. How-How much
you pay for that fake moustache?

$2.99. Ooooooh!

Listen, you just got
to give me more time...

Don't make a fool
out of me, man.

Don't make a fool out of me.
I want my money.

- I want my money, man.
- Stewie...

Listen, this is crazy. You got...
Oh, my God.

All right,
let's go to the bank.

Well, I got to tell you, this was
a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

Oh.

Well, the pleasure is
all ours, Mr. Brady.

Please, call me Tom.

- Can I call you Tom, too?
- Well, of course.

Mr. Brady, would you please
sign my Trapper Keeper?

Oh, Tom, your shirt.
I'm so sorry.

Look, you can use our
shower if you want.

No, it's okay. It's just
a little spot. It'll come out.

Well, that's not gonna come out.
You better take a shower.

- Mom, let me look!
- Meg, stop shoving.

You wouldn't even know
what to do with it.

He's closer to my age,
you cow.

What the hell is this?

Oh, hi, Stewie.
We were just leaving.

I say, what the devil is all
the fuss about? I don't get it.

What's in there?
Bing, bong! Hello!

- Hey. What's goin' on?
- What the hell?! Get out of here!

Well, we're on the same team.
We shower together.

Yeah, in the locker room.

- Yeah, yeah, come here, you.
- Ah, stop, knock it off.

What are you crazy?

We're just a couple of guys messing
around. That's what we are.

Ooh, ooh, quiet, everybody,
my commercial's on.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin
of the New England Patriots.

I'm here to kick off the
Touchdown of Savings Weekend,

at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.

We will blitz the competition,
and in no time,

you'll be driving your new Hyundai
or Subaru right to a touchdown.

At Wilkins Hyundai
and Subaru

We have Hyundais
and Subarus.

Mom, the game's about to start.
Where's Dad?

I don't know, Chris.
And I'm starting to get worried.

I think all this success
might be going to his head.

Do you know he spent
$30,000 on a wax sculpture,

of Harriet Tubman
doing Gwyneth Paltrow?

Yeah.

Yeah, that is
happening for real.

Yeah.

I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.

Where the hell is Griffin?
It's almost time for kickoff.

Well, I guess we have
to start without him.

What do you think, huh? I got this
for doing that car dealership ad.

All right, enough messing around, huh?
Let's play this game.

Let's play
some football.

Griffin, I'm getting really
tired of your cocky attitude.

How many times have I told you,
no showboating?!

Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little
fun. I got it under control.

Okay, 28-Z right,
pitch left,

on one, on one.
Ready? Break!

Ready? Green 54! Green 54!
Set, hut, hut!

Yeah!

Huh, there might be some hope
for this guy after all.

Damn it, Griffin!
I said no showboating!

This calls for a victory tune!

Now, a woman who'll kiss on the very
first date is usually a hussy.

And a woman who'll kiss on the
second time out Is anything but fussy

But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around

Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground

She's the girl he's glad he's found.
She's his Shipoopi

She's the girl,
he's glad he's found

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

The girl is hard to get.

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

But you can win her yet

Walk around once,
just to raise the curtain.

Walk around twice
and you're made for certain.

Once more in
the flower garden

She will never get sore
if you beg her pardon

Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do

Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do

Squeeze her once
when she isn't looking

Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cooking

Once more for a pepper upper

She will never get sore
on the way to supper

Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do...

Si, do

Now little old Sal was a no-gal.
As anyone could see

Look at her now, she's a go-gal.
Who only goes for me

Squeeze her once
when she isn't looking

Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cooking

Once more for a pepper upper

She will never get sore
on the way to supper

Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do, si, do.

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

The girl is hard to get

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

But you can win her yet

No. No!

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

The girl is hard to get

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

But you can win her yet

You can win her...

Yet...

Shipoopi!

All right.

I made a touchdown.

Griffin, you're fired!

- For what?
- We've had it with your crap.

I talked to the coach and he's selling
your contract to another team.

And the only one that'll take you,

is the worst football team in Europe:

The London Silly Nannies.

So, Brian, we're even now, right?

Ready to start
a new life in England.

I've got my money, your wounds
have healed up nicely.

What do you say we let
bygones be bygones, hmm?

You shot me in both my
knees then lit me on fire.

- Piss off.
- All right, all right.

I tell you what, you get
one free revenge shot at me.

Okay.

But I'm not gonna tell you
when it's coming.

Ah, this is
gonna be fun.

Peter, this is crazy.

Isn't there any way the Patriots
could let you back on the team?

Nah, they said
the decision was final.

It's all right, Lois,
I can make the best of this.

I mean, a British football team
can't be that bad.

Uh, excuse me. Hey, there. Hi.

I'm, uh, Peter Griffin.
I'm your new player.

Oh, yes, Peter,
welcome to the Silly Nannies.

I'm the quarterback, Lesley.
This is our team.

If you'll marry me

I'll dig for you and rake for you

If you'll marry me

I'll scrub for you and bake for you

If you'll marry me

All others I'll forsake for you

All this will I do
if you'll marry me

All this will I do
If you'll marry me.

Oh, crap.

Well, I guess living in a London flat
isn't gonna be too bad, huh?

Mom, there's no water in the toilet.

First of all, Chris, it's called a loo.

Second, there's no water in it,

because everybody here
just uses Elizabeth Hurley.

All right, well, where is she?
'Cause I need her now!

You're watching BBC 4.

Ellen, there's moisture on
the outside of my glass.

It's condensation, Johnny.

But what about the fog
on the windows?

It's not fog, Johnny.

It, too, is called condensation.

Con-den-sation.

sation-sation-sation

Hey, Peter, how was your first
Silly Nannies practice?

It sucked, Lois.

Those Silly Nannies are
just a bunch of losers.

Pack your bags, we're going home.

What, you're just giving up?

Look, Peter, I know you're upset

because you blew your opportunity
with the Patriots but...

This is your chance
to redeem yourself.

Now I bet if you really tried,
you could turn that team around.

You know what, Lois?

When you were talking about
that sale at T.J. Maxx just now,

I came up with an idea.

I am gonna turn that team around.

And we'll challenge
the Patriots to a game,

and we'll kick their ass!

Oh, man, what an attractive woman.

- Hello?
- Hey, Brady!

- You're dead!
- Listen, Leno!

You keep calling here and threatening
me, I'm gonna notify the police.

Leno? No, no,
this is Peter Griffin.

I'm calling to challenge you
to a grudge match

between the Patriots and
the London Silly Nannies.

Huh. Well, Griffin.

If you want to embarrass
yourself, be my guest.

Good. What do you
say, England?

- Two weeks from now?
- See you there.

- Hello?
- Hey, Brady!

What kind of suit you
want to be buried in?

Oh, you kids are gonna love this.

England has such a rich heritage
of great theater.

Cramsat on the bingum
with the gam gum?

Treaches on the upper
with the trang sang.

Croppers to you,
you crang sang lover.

She rogered the boogley!

All right, now listen up,
you limey bum sniffers.

If we're gonna beat the New England
Patriots next week,

I got to toughen you up.

So you're gonna get in shape
the way American athletes do:

Taking steroids.

I say, Jenkins, you give me
that dirty look one more time,

and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's
and have a pillow fight with you.

Very well,
then. En garde!

- I like your gown.
- I like yours.

When's the beating
gonna come, Brian?

Just tell me when it's gonna come!
Just do something, anything!

Look, look, I'll do it.
I'll do it first.

Look, look, I'll do it even worse.

Oh, oh, oh, look how hurt I am.

We're even now!

You're going down, Brady!

You're the one who's
going down, Griffin!

What the hell?

Those men are tremendous
in stature.

And they're coming
straight at us!

We'll take my carriage!

Ah, crap.

Well, I'm still here,
you bastards!

So let's do this!

Oh. Hey, Brady. You gonna gloat
and call me a loser now?

Actually, Peter, you're
not a loser at all.

What you did just now
was pretty ballsy.

- Really?
- Absolutely!

For one guy to stand up to the entire
New England Patriots team,

that's a winner in my book.

Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady.

Peter! Oh, my God,
are you all right?

- Yeah.
- Can you move your legs?

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

I thought you were gonna be a vegetable.

And I got to tell you, Peter,

I- I just don't think
I have it in me.

I mean, if you can't move,
it's over.

I love you,
too, honey.

Let's go home.

Synch: Fogia
Transcript: Raceman