Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High - full transcript
Chris gets seduced by his new homicidal English teacher; Brian becomes a substitute teacher to a class of thugs.
.
Everybody, I got bad news.
We've been cancelled.
Oh, no, Peter,
how could they do that?
Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's
just no more room on the schedule.
We've just got to accept
the fact that Fox has to make room
for terrific shows
like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared,
Action, That '80s Show,
Wonderfalls, Fastlane,
Andy Richter Controls the Universe,
Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real,
FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large,
Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper,
Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,
Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street,
American Embassy,
Cedric the Entertainer,
The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
Is there no hope?
Well, I suppose if all those shows
go down the tubes,
we might have a shot.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
ALL: # On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
What are you watching?
Passion of the Christ.
I tell you, I can't believe that this
guy's just lying there taking it.
If it was me,
I would do something about it.
(GROANING LOUDLY)
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Stop it. Stop it.
OK. OK?
OK. All right.
Hi, boys. I didn't have
my hands down my pants.
Good for you.
I bought us some sheets
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Oh, boy, I hope you stayed away from
that Beyond section.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, here are the coffee mugs.
Honey, what do you say
we christen these new sheets, huh?
Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
(GIGGLES) That's me.
You dirty hustler.
You filthy, stinky prostitute.
OK, I get it.
You foul, venereal-disease-carrying,
streetwalking whore.
All right, that's enough.
(LOUD CREAKING)
(SIGHS) It's good to have land.
(PETER AND LOIS GIGGLING)
(MOANS) George!
George? Who the hell is George?
George Clooney.
Our sex is so dull for you
that you gotta fantasise
about George Clooney?
I'm sorry, honey. I guess that
things have become a little stale
for me.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really know that much
about any kinky stuff.
I mean, I could hook this car battery
up to my nipples.
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This doing it for you? Ow! Ow! Ow!
I don't know. I just don't feel
that spark any more.
I mean, our honeymoon.
Oh, so much rug burn!
Wait a second, Lois.
That's what we need.
We'll go on a second honeymoon.
(GASPS)
Peter, that's a wonderful idea!
Yeah. We'll be just like
The Honeymooners!
One of these days, Alice.
One of these days...
Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph.
Right to the moon.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(ALL GASP)
Well, that's everything.
Now, remember, kids,
Brian is in charge while your father
and I are out at Cape Cod.
I'll take good care of them, Lois.
You guys have a good time.
Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!
Brian, if I choose to make stool
in my pants right now,
you're the only one here
to change me.
What do you think of that, hm?
I'm not gonna change you. What?
I said I'm not gonna change you.
You can't be serious.
What if I make a fudgie?
Well, I just won't, that's all.
I just won't.
Blast, I just did!
Ahhh! Chris, cut it out!
Brian, Chris just picked his nose
and he keeps touching me
with his finger!
What good is mining nose gold
if I can't share it
with the townspeople?
I swear to God,
these kids are gonna make me
put a bullet through my head.
If I was in charge,
we wouldn't have this problem.
You got some ideas? Tell me.
I'll tell you. Of course,
I'll want a favour in exchange.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
How does it smell, dog?
Does it smell like servitude?
Aft torpedoes, fire!
Lois?
Hey, Lois, honey?
Sweetheart?
(TYRES SCREECH) Ahhh!
Hey, you're awake! Can you hand me
the pretzels? Here. Where are we?
About two hours from Cape Cod's
most luxurious bed and breakfast.
Oh, Peter,
this is gonna be wonderful.
I'm so excited
I want to prep my diaphragm now.
Gross. Hey, why don't you
go back to sleep?
I'll wake you up
when we get there. OK.
(GIGGLES)
Look at all those hamburgers.
You can't eat all those hamburgers,
you stupid fellow!
Oh, jeez! (TYRES SQUEAL)
He's gonna do it!
Oh, he's so ridiculous.
You hear me, you ridiculous man?
You're... Whoa!
(SCREAMS)
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
I fall asleep for ten minutes,
and you plough the car into a tree?
Oh, my God!
You gotta pay attention to the road.
We could have been killed!
I mean, look at
the front of our car.
It's totalled.
It's completely totalled, Peter!
Oh, this is just terrific.
How are we gonna get... Oh, my God!
I knew I should have driven.
I should always drive.
I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!
Dear God,
this is where we're sleeping?
Come on, Lois. They said they'd have
the car fixed by tomorrow.
And then our second honeymoon's
back on track.
Peter, there's a hooker on the bed.
Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois.
Their vision is based on movement.
Where did you go?
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
And now back to Two and a Half Men.
(ALL SCREAM)
Kill me!
Turn it, Chris.
I want to watch George Lopez.
That show only furthers
the stereotype that
George Lopez is funny.
Give me that!
Chris, give me the remote.
Chris, stop! Stop doing that!
(GASPS) My hat!
(SNIGGERS) Wear it now.
(SCREAMS)
Hey, I...
You two better settle down.
Chris, give Meg her hat.
I don't have to listen to you.
You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Ow. Don't take that.
Raise your voice to them.
Hey! Knock it off!
Look, you kids are obviously in need
of some type of activity, so...
What do you say
we read a book or something?
Stewie, what does Peter have
on his bookshelf?
Uh, two Garfield books
and the novelisation
of the movie Caddyshack.
'Mananananana,' said Ty,
sinking yet another ball.
'Mananananana...'
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hang on.
Oh, thank God.
Garfield at Large by Jim Davis.
Now, as you can see in this panel,
Garfield doesn't care for Nermal.
But like him or not,
Nermal is here to stay.
Or is he? Let's read on.
OK, I'll be there.
Peter and Lois were supposed to
chaperone Chris' school dance
tomorrow night,
so I guess it's up to me.
You mean it's up to us. You need
my help with this parenting thing.
You're too stupid to do it alone.
Besides, I know how to deal
with children, unlike Mr Geppetto.
Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.
By the way, Pinocchio, there was
a cookie missing from the jar.
Did you take it by any chance?
Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry.
Are you sure you took it?
Because I'd believe you
if you said you didn't.
No, I took it, Papa.
I wouldn't lie to you.
You could try. Who knows?
You might get away with it.
900 bucks to fix the car.
That was all the money we had
for this trip.
Look, Peter, this second honeymoon
was a nice thought,
but maybe we should just go home.
Coming up, handsome mustachioed man
recaps news in pleasing baritone.
Stay tuned for this and more.
But first,
Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa
is on hand for the opening
of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.
Diane, I am standing outside
the Park Barrington Hotel
because they don't
allow Asians inside.
Fancy place. Boy, that'd make
some second honeymoon, huh?
The Park Barrington is already
attracting some big names,
such as Christianity enthusiast
Mel Gibson, who has his own room
on permanent reserve -
a room which he barely uses.
Barely uses, huh?
Lois, I just got an idea!
Much better than that time
I experimented with gene splicing.
Uh, Lois, quick question.
Do we have any Tylenol?
(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, how I envy them, dog. They've
got their whole lives ahead of them.
Oh, man, look at that kid.
That is one ugly eighth-grader.
You don't want to hurt
yourself dancing.
Make sure you stretch out
those creamy hamstrings.
Come on, Chris. It's just vodka.
Jake swiped it
from his dad's liquor cabinet.
Yeah, see? It's good.
Well, OK. Maybe just one sip.
Christopher Griffin,
is that alcohol?
Mister, you're in serious trouble.
He's absolutely right, kids.
Because when you drink, nobody wins.
In fact, last year alone,
there were over 27,000 deaths
from chronic liver disease
as a result of alcohol abuse.
Now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
CHORUS: # GI Joe! #
Peter, we can't afford this.
No, but Mel Gibson can.
Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson,
here for the key
to my specially reserved room.
You're Mel Gibson?
Yes, I've put on a few pounds
for my next role.
I play Peter Griffin,
a heroic warrior who defied
the English to free England
from the English. Holy mackerel!
Let me show you
to your room, Mr. Gibson!
Peter, the toilet paper
is made of money.
Yeah, and look at this. They even got
some of that high-class British porn.
Almost. Almost. Almost.
There we are. Well done.
Did you think you were cool?
Did you think you were grown up? Hm?
I didn't actually drink any of it.
Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.
We are going to have a talk
with Jake's parents tomorrow
after my burping.
And, in the meantime,
you're grounded, Chris.
Oh, come on. That sucks!
Do you want us to pull over?
I don't care what you do!
Oh, we'll pull over.
We'll pull over. Pull over.
(SOBBING)
If your teachers ask about
your bruises, what do you tell them?
I got hit by a baseball!
(PETER AND LOIS GIGGLING)
Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.
You were fantasising
about Mel Gibson.
You...You don't find me
attractive any more.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I know you're trying,
but you can't force the spark
back into our marriage.
Well, then I guess this whole
second honeymoon was a waste of time.
Peter...
I don't want to talk about it!
I'm just gonna watch British porn.
You know, Margaret, we could have
sexual intercourse right now.
Yes, yes, we could.
But let's not.
Do you think we were too hard
on Chris tonight?
What? Oh, God, no.
No, no. I don't...I don't think so.
Do you? Oh, no, I just always feel
badly when we have to be strict.
Oh, did I remember
to turn the stove off?
Yes.
I'm sorry for everything
that's happened, Peter.
I guess I'm going through a phase
where I'm only attracted
to handsome men.
What are we supposed to do?
Admit there's no excitement
left in our marriage?
Go home and spend our lives
looking at each other
across the breakfast table,
talking about how we like Total?
Oh, I love Total.
Oh, actually, so do I.
And it's healthy for us, too.
Oh, God! It's starting already!
Lois, we are screwed.
Wow!
Mel Gibson's secret screening room.
Hey, what's this?
(NARRATOR READING)
The Messiah, he's gone.
Where did he go?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hang on.
Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!
That's what my ex-wife said.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
For the son of God,
you sure are a son of a...
BOTH: Whoa!
NARRATOR:
Chris Tucker and Jim... (STAMMERS)
Caviezel? Is that it?
The guy from the first one?
Passion of the Christ 2:
Crucify This.
(ROCK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
You know how to use one of these?
You know how to use one of these?
This July, let he who is without sin
kick the first ass.
Oh, man, that's all we need.
More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo-jumbo.
Well, not if I have anything
to say about it!
I am going to make sure
this never sees the light of day.
Peter, are you crazy?
Stealing Mel Gibson's towels,
bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia
is one thing, but this is
a multi-million-dollar film,
and he's a very powerful man.
He could have us arrested or killed.
It's worth the risk, Lois,
to save the world
another two hours of torture.
We gotta get rid of this thing
for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy,
and all the other
beloved children's characters.
Let's go!
Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson.
Seems he left something
very valuable in his room
and we're here to retrieve it.
Mr Gibson just checked out
a moment ago.
There he goes now.
Uh-oh. Lois, run!
Hey, stop!
Uh-uh-uh-uh...
They're gaining on us. We never
should have stolen this film.
Oh, man, this is even
more intense than that time
I forgot how to sit down.
Don't worry, Lois.
I think I know how to lose them.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Lois, trust me.
How many times
have I done this before?
All right, but be careful.
(BOTH GASP)
OK, now, be polite.
And for God's sake,
don't mention anything
about his kid's face.
Oh, shut up! I am always so polite.
(SCOFFS) I hope we don't wind up
on the evening news cos of this.
(CHUCKLES)
You're funny.
Ah, Brian, please come in.
Can my wife Stacy get you anything?
Go to hell, Tom.
Already there, hon.
Yes, well, Mr Tucker, it seems
your son Jake had some vodka
at the school dance
and Chris got blamed for it.
This whole situation has just turned
his whole life upside-down face.
It's no concern of mine if it's
turned his life upside-down face.
Jake's a good boy.
Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!
Look... We're through here.
Get out of my house, Benji!
Fine! If you're gonna be that way
about it, maybe I'll do this.
Yeah, look at this. Stop that!
You don't like this, huh?
Stop doing that!
This is what Benji would do.
Hey! Knock it off! Stop it!
That feels so good.
That feels so good.
There's got to be a way
to get back at Jake Tucker
for what he did to Chris.
(GASPS) I know! I know!
Let's plant drugs in his locker.
Oh, my God! That's a great idea.
Yeah, thought you'd like that.
Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam
mud flap.
You had better stay back, Brian.
(SIGHS) I think we lost them.
You stay here.
I'm gonna go bury this film.
Well, Mel Gibson,
this is one piece of crap
the world will never have to
suffer through.
(CHUCKLES) I am so clever.
That's why they picked me
to convince Congress to go to war.
There is no just cause
for an invasion of Iraq.
Well, that may be,
but what we're all forgetting is
anyone who doesn't
want to go to war is gay.
I want to go to war. ALL: Yes.
We should definitely go.
We should totally go.
I was the first one who wanted to
go to war.
(AIRCRAFT APPROACHING)
Ahhh!
(SCREAMS) Peter!
Lois!
Don't take this personally,
Mrs Griffin. I'm doing this
because I have to.
What are you gonna do to me?
Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
As soon as your husband gives me
what I want, you're free to go.
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
Anybody home?
Peter! All right, Gibson.
I want my wife back.
Or a woman
of equal physical attractiveness.
Where's the film?
Come on, honey,
let's get out of here.
You're just gonna give him
the film? Don't worry.
There's a dog turd in there.
But by the time he finds out,
we'll be long...
There's a dog turd in here.
Uh-oh. Lois? What?
Jump!
No, wait!
I'll deal with them myself.
We're on top of the monument.
Holy crap!
(GUNSHOT) (BOTH SCREAM)
I know this is the wrong time
to be starstruck,
but Mel Gibson is shooting at us.
(SCREAMING)
Peter, help!
Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.
(CHUCKLES) Lois, look. I'm a booger.
Peter, for God's sake!
OK, OK. Grab my hand.
(BOTH GASP) And now, Mr Griffin,
I want that film.
Oh, sure. It's right over there
in President Rushmore's mouth.
(SCREAMS)
My God! He just walked
right over the edge.
Of course he did.
Christians don't believe in gravity.
(GRUNTS)
Peter, it's back.
What, that rash?
No, no, the spark.
Honey, I have never been
more attracted to you
than I am right now.
Really? Wow!
So I guess this honeymoon
was just the kind of excitement
our marriage needed.
I guess it just goes to show that
you... Shut up and let's do it!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Oh, Peter! Yes!
Hey, hey, Jefferson, check it out.
A chick getting nailed on my head.
Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word
down to Frankenstein.
Oh, ha-ha!
In local news, a Buddy Cianci
Junior High School student
has been arrested
for possession of drugs.
The student has been sentenced
to 200 hours of community service,
and is a very bad boy.
We now go to Ollie Williams
for the punishment forecast. Ollie?
He gonna get it!
Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
So you actually put coke
in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow.
Where'd you get it?
Oh, I got a guy.
Don't let it get the best of you.
I used to be a lawyer.
See you next week.
Good to be back, America.
subtitles by Deluxe
.
Everybody, I got bad news.
We've been cancelled.
Oh, no, Peter,
how could they do that?
Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's
just no more room on the schedule.
We've just got to accept
the fact that Fox has to make room
for terrific shows
like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared,
Action, That '80s Show,
Wonderfalls, Fastlane,
Andy Richter Controls the Universe,
Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up,
The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real,
FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large,
Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper,
Normal, Ohio, Pasadena,
Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street,
American Embassy,
Cedric the Entertainer,
The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
Is there no hope?
Well, I suppose if all those shows
go down the tubes,
we might have a shot.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
ALL: # On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
What are you watching?
Passion of the Christ.
I tell you, I can't believe that this
guy's just lying there taking it.
If it was me,
I would do something about it.
(GROANING LOUDLY)
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Stop it. Stop it.
OK. OK?
OK. All right.
Hi, boys. I didn't have
my hands down my pants.
Good for you.
I bought us some sheets
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Oh, boy, I hope you stayed away from
that Beyond section.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, here are the coffee mugs.
Honey, what do you say
we christen these new sheets, huh?
Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
(GIGGLES) That's me.
You dirty hustler.
You filthy, stinky prostitute.
OK, I get it.
You foul, venereal-disease-carrying,
streetwalking whore.
All right, that's enough.
(LOUD CREAKING)
(SIGHS) It's good to have land.
(PETER AND LOIS GIGGLING)
(MOANS) George!
George? Who the hell is George?
George Clooney.
Our sex is so dull for you
that you gotta fantasise
about George Clooney?
I'm sorry, honey. I guess that
things have become a little stale
for me.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really know that much
about any kinky stuff.
I mean, I could hook this car battery
up to my nipples.
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This doing it for you? Ow! Ow! Ow!
I don't know. I just don't feel
that spark any more.
I mean, our honeymoon.
Oh, so much rug burn!
Wait a second, Lois.
That's what we need.
We'll go on a second honeymoon.
(GASPS)
Peter, that's a wonderful idea!
Yeah. We'll be just like
The Honeymooners!
One of these days, Alice.
One of these days...
Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph.
Right to the moon.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(ALL GASP)
Well, that's everything.
Now, remember, kids,
Brian is in charge while your father
and I are out at Cape Cod.
I'll take good care of them, Lois.
You guys have a good time.
Be good. Bye, Mom, I love you!
Brian, if I choose to make stool
in my pants right now,
you're the only one here
to change me.
What do you think of that, hm?
I'm not gonna change you. What?
I said I'm not gonna change you.
You can't be serious.
What if I make a fudgie?
Well, I just won't, that's all.
I just won't.
Blast, I just did!
Ahhh! Chris, cut it out!
Brian, Chris just picked his nose
and he keeps touching me
with his finger!
What good is mining nose gold
if I can't share it
with the townspeople?
I swear to God,
these kids are gonna make me
put a bullet through my head.
If I was in charge,
we wouldn't have this problem.
You got some ideas? Tell me.
I'll tell you. Of course,
I'll want a favour in exchange.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
How does it smell, dog?
Does it smell like servitude?
Aft torpedoes, fire!
Lois?
Hey, Lois, honey?
Sweetheart?
(TYRES SCREECH) Ahhh!
Hey, you're awake! Can you hand me
the pretzels? Here. Where are we?
About two hours from Cape Cod's
most luxurious bed and breakfast.
Oh, Peter,
this is gonna be wonderful.
I'm so excited
I want to prep my diaphragm now.
Gross. Hey, why don't you
go back to sleep?
I'll wake you up
when we get there. OK.
(GIGGLES)
Look at all those hamburgers.
You can't eat all those hamburgers,
you stupid fellow!
Oh, jeez! (TYRES SQUEAL)
He's gonna do it!
Oh, he's so ridiculous.
You hear me, you ridiculous man?
You're... Whoa!
(SCREAMS)
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
I fall asleep for ten minutes,
and you plough the car into a tree?
Oh, my God!
You gotta pay attention to the road.
We could have been killed!
I mean, look at
the front of our car.
It's totalled.
It's completely totalled, Peter!
Oh, this is just terrific.
How are we gonna get... Oh, my God!
I knew I should have driven.
I should always drive.
I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!
Dear God,
this is where we're sleeping?
Come on, Lois. They said they'd have
the car fixed by tomorrow.
And then our second honeymoon's
back on track.
Peter, there's a hooker on the bed.
Hi. Stand perfectly still, Lois.
Their vision is based on movement.
Where did you go?
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
And now back to Two and a Half Men.
(ALL SCREAM)
Kill me!
Turn it, Chris.
I want to watch George Lopez.
That show only furthers
the stereotype that
George Lopez is funny.
Give me that!
Chris, give me the remote.
Chris, stop! Stop doing that!
(GASPS) My hat!
(SNIGGERS) Wear it now.
(SCREAMS)
Hey, I...
You two better settle down.
Chris, give Meg her hat.
I don't have to listen to you.
You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Ow. Don't take that.
Raise your voice to them.
Hey! Knock it off!
Look, you kids are obviously in need
of some type of activity, so...
What do you say
we read a book or something?
Stewie, what does Peter have
on his bookshelf?
Uh, two Garfield books
and the novelisation
of the movie Caddyshack.
'Mananananana,' said Ty,
sinking yet another ball.
'Mananananana...'
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hang on.
Oh, thank God.
Garfield at Large by Jim Davis.
Now, as you can see in this panel,
Garfield doesn't care for Nermal.
But like him or not,
Nermal is here to stay.
Or is he? Let's read on.
OK, I'll be there.
Peter and Lois were supposed to
chaperone Chris' school dance
tomorrow night,
so I guess it's up to me.
You mean it's up to us. You need
my help with this parenting thing.
You're too stupid to do it alone.
Besides, I know how to deal
with children, unlike Mr Geppetto.
Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.
By the way, Pinocchio, there was
a cookie missing from the jar.
Did you take it by any chance?
Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry.
Are you sure you took it?
Because I'd believe you
if you said you didn't.
No, I took it, Papa.
I wouldn't lie to you.
You could try. Who knows?
You might get away with it.
900 bucks to fix the car.
That was all the money we had
for this trip.
Look, Peter, this second honeymoon
was a nice thought,
but maybe we should just go home.
Coming up, handsome mustachioed man
recaps news in pleasing baritone.
Stay tuned for this and more.
But first,
Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa
is on hand for the opening
of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.
Diane, I am standing outside
the Park Barrington Hotel
because they don't
allow Asians inside.
Fancy place. Boy, that'd make
some second honeymoon, huh?
The Park Barrington is already
attracting some big names,
such as Christianity enthusiast
Mel Gibson, who has his own room
on permanent reserve -
a room which he barely uses.
Barely uses, huh?
Lois, I just got an idea!
Much better than that time
I experimented with gene splicing.
Uh, Lois, quick question.
Do we have any Tylenol?
(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, how I envy them, dog. They've
got their whole lives ahead of them.
Oh, man, look at that kid.
That is one ugly eighth-grader.
You don't want to hurt
yourself dancing.
Make sure you stretch out
those creamy hamstrings.
Come on, Chris. It's just vodka.
Jake swiped it
from his dad's liquor cabinet.
Yeah, see? It's good.
Well, OK. Maybe just one sip.
Christopher Griffin,
is that alcohol?
Mister, you're in serious trouble.
He's absolutely right, kids.
Because when you drink, nobody wins.
In fact, last year alone,
there were over 27,000 deaths
from chronic liver disease
as a result of alcohol abuse.
Now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
CHORUS: # GI Joe! #
Peter, we can't afford this.
No, but Mel Gibson can.
Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson,
here for the key
to my specially reserved room.
You're Mel Gibson?
Yes, I've put on a few pounds
for my next role.
I play Peter Griffin,
a heroic warrior who defied
the English to free England
from the English. Holy mackerel!
Let me show you
to your room, Mr. Gibson!
Peter, the toilet paper
is made of money.
Yeah, and look at this. They even got
some of that high-class British porn.
Almost. Almost. Almost.
There we are. Well done.
Did you think you were cool?
Did you think you were grown up? Hm?
I didn't actually drink any of it.
Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.
We are going to have a talk
with Jake's parents tomorrow
after my burping.
And, in the meantime,
you're grounded, Chris.
Oh, come on. That sucks!
Do you want us to pull over?
I don't care what you do!
Oh, we'll pull over.
We'll pull over. Pull over.
(SOBBING)
If your teachers ask about
your bruises, what do you tell them?
I got hit by a baseball!
(PETER AND LOIS GIGGLING)
Oh, Mel! Mel? Wait a minute.
You were fantasising
about Mel Gibson.
You...You don't find me
attractive any more.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I know you're trying,
but you can't force the spark
back into our marriage.
Well, then I guess this whole
second honeymoon was a waste of time.
Peter...
I don't want to talk about it!
I'm just gonna watch British porn.
You know, Margaret, we could have
sexual intercourse right now.
Yes, yes, we could.
But let's not.
Do you think we were too hard
on Chris tonight?
What? Oh, God, no.
No, no. I don't...I don't think so.
Do you? Oh, no, I just always feel
badly when we have to be strict.
Oh, did I remember
to turn the stove off?
Yes.
I'm sorry for everything
that's happened, Peter.
I guess I'm going through a phase
where I'm only attracted
to handsome men.
What are we supposed to do?
Admit there's no excitement
left in our marriage?
Go home and spend our lives
looking at each other
across the breakfast table,
talking about how we like Total?
Oh, I love Total.
Oh, actually, so do I.
And it's healthy for us, too.
Oh, God! It's starting already!
Lois, we are screwed.
Wow!
Mel Gibson's secret screening room.
Hey, what's this?
(NARRATOR READING)
The Messiah, he's gone.
Where did he go?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hang on.
Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!
That's what my ex-wife said.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
For the son of God,
you sure are a son of a...
BOTH: Whoa!
NARRATOR:
Chris Tucker and Jim... (STAMMERS)
Caviezel? Is that it?
The guy from the first one?
Passion of the Christ 2:
Crucify This.
(ROCK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
You know how to use one of these?
You know how to use one of these?
This July, let he who is without sin
kick the first ass.
Oh, man, that's all we need.
More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo-jumbo.
Well, not if I have anything
to say about it!
I am going to make sure
this never sees the light of day.
Peter, are you crazy?
Stealing Mel Gibson's towels,
bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia
is one thing, but this is
a multi-million-dollar film,
and he's a very powerful man.
He could have us arrested or killed.
It's worth the risk, Lois,
to save the world
another two hours of torture.
We gotta get rid of this thing
for the sake of Jesus and Snoopy,
and all the other
beloved children's characters.
Let's go!
Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson.
Seems he left something
very valuable in his room
and we're here to retrieve it.
Mr Gibson just checked out
a moment ago.
There he goes now.
Uh-oh. Lois, run!
Hey, stop!
Uh-uh-uh-uh...
They're gaining on us. We never
should have stolen this film.
Oh, man, this is even
more intense than that time
I forgot how to sit down.
Don't worry, Lois.
I think I know how to lose them.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Lois, trust me.
How many times
have I done this before?
All right, but be careful.
(BOTH GASP)
OK, now, be polite.
And for God's sake,
don't mention anything
about his kid's face.
Oh, shut up! I am always so polite.
(SCOFFS) I hope we don't wind up
on the evening news cos of this.
(CHUCKLES)
You're funny.
Ah, Brian, please come in.
Can my wife Stacy get you anything?
Go to hell, Tom.
Already there, hon.
Yes, well, Mr Tucker, it seems
your son Jake had some vodka
at the school dance
and Chris got blamed for it.
This whole situation has just turned
his whole life upside-down face.
It's no concern of mine if it's
turned his life upside-down face.
Jake's a good boy.
Aren't you, Jake? Yeah!
Look... We're through here.
Get out of my house, Benji!
Fine! If you're gonna be that way
about it, maybe I'll do this.
Yeah, look at this. Stop that!
You don't like this, huh?
Stop doing that!
This is what Benji would do.
Hey! Knock it off! Stop it!
That feels so good.
That feels so good.
There's got to be a way
to get back at Jake Tucker
for what he did to Chris.
(GASPS) I know! I know!
Let's plant drugs in his locker.
Oh, my God! That's a great idea.
Yeah, thought you'd like that.
Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam
mud flap.
You had better stay back, Brian.
(SIGHS) I think we lost them.
You stay here.
I'm gonna go bury this film.
Well, Mel Gibson,
this is one piece of crap
the world will never have to
suffer through.
(CHUCKLES) I am so clever.
That's why they picked me
to convince Congress to go to war.
There is no just cause
for an invasion of Iraq.
Well, that may be,
but what we're all forgetting is
anyone who doesn't
want to go to war is gay.
I want to go to war. ALL: Yes.
We should definitely go.
We should totally go.
I was the first one who wanted to
go to war.
(AIRCRAFT APPROACHING)
Ahhh!
(SCREAMS) Peter!
Lois!
Don't take this personally,
Mrs Griffin. I'm doing this
because I have to.
What are you gonna do to me?
Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
As soon as your husband gives me
what I want, you're free to go.
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
Anybody home?
Peter! All right, Gibson.
I want my wife back.
Or a woman
of equal physical attractiveness.
Where's the film?
Come on, honey,
let's get out of here.
You're just gonna give him
the film? Don't worry.
There's a dog turd in there.
But by the time he finds out,
we'll be long...
There's a dog turd in here.
Uh-oh. Lois? What?
Jump!
No, wait!
I'll deal with them myself.
We're on top of the monument.
Holy crap!
(GUNSHOT) (BOTH SCREAM)
I know this is the wrong time
to be starstruck,
but Mel Gibson is shooting at us.
(SCREAMING)
Peter, help!
Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.
(CHUCKLES) Lois, look. I'm a booger.
Peter, for God's sake!
OK, OK. Grab my hand.
(BOTH GASP) And now, Mr Griffin,
I want that film.
Oh, sure. It's right over there
in President Rushmore's mouth.
(SCREAMS)
My God! He just walked
right over the edge.
Of course he did.
Christians don't believe in gravity.
(GRUNTS)
Peter, it's back.
What, that rash?
No, no, the spark.
Honey, I have never been
more attracted to you
than I am right now.
Really? Wow!
So I guess this honeymoon
was just the kind of excitement
our marriage needed.
I guess it just goes to show that
you... Shut up and let's do it!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Oh, Peter! Yes!
Hey, hey, Jefferson, check it out.
A chick getting nailed on my head.
Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word
down to Frankenstein.
Oh, ha-ha!
In local news, a Buddy Cianci
Junior High School student
has been arrested
for possession of drugs.
The student has been sentenced
to 200 hours of community service,
and is a very bad boy.
We now go to Ollie Williams
for the punishment forecast. Ollie?
He gonna get it!
Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
So you actually put coke
in that kid's locker? Yup. Wow.
Where'd you get it?
Oh, I got a guy.
Don't let it get the best of you.
I used to be a lawyer.
See you next week.
Good to be back, America.
subtitles by Deluxe
.