Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - PTV - full transcript

This is a message to all American infidels.

Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire.

You will be punished for your decadent ways
on the first day of Radaman. You...

Wait. Did I just say R...?

What'd I say? "Radaman"?

Ramadan. Radaman?
What is that? What is...?

Maybe Dennis Radaman is going
to punish you with his crazy hair. No?

What's that? Right, yeah.

OK. Let's go again.

This is a message to all Amer...

I'm not gonna be able to do it now.
I'm not... OK, OK. I know.



I gotta get...
I gotta get all the laughs out. OK.

Gotta get all the laughs out.

- OK.
- Today sometime.

Stop making that face. What are you doing?
He makes that face and it makes me laugh.

You know what? Just turn around. I don't
care where you look. Just look over there.

They're cracking up over there. OK.

Now look who's snickering over there.

Mr "I Can't Do A Suicide Bombing
Because I'm Sick".

He had a note... He had a note from his
doctor. He brought a note from his doctor.

It's a suicide bombing. What are you...?

OK. All right. OK. Here we go.
Here we go. All serious now. OK.

Death to...

I can't... I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't...

Come on. Now you're just trying
to make... Hey, wait, wait, wait.



Look. Look. Rubber chicken, you know?

I should do the whole tape
with this in my hand.

Just with the chicken right here.
Everyone will be, like, "What the hell?"

Death to Americans.

Let him do it. Let him do the tape.
Don't blame me. It was the chicken. He was...

No. Actually,
you know what would be better? Wait.

Just walk out like this.

Just come out like this, but all serious.

Completely serious,
like I don't even know I'm wearing them.

Death to America.

What? What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?

What? Right here?

I'm just wearing my regular glasses.
I always wear these. What?

It's me in an '80s movie, right?

Yeah, he got it.
He got it over there. The little guy got it.

Who is that guy? I've never seen him before.

How's it going, chief?

Good day to you, sir.
And now prepare to die.

Who are you?

I'm Stewie Griffin.

And don't ever let me
catch you guys in Quahog.

Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.

- Sorry. I didn't know you were home.
- What the hell are you doing?

Laying down the red carpet.
The Emmys are on.

Don't tell me you forgot
about Meg's play tonight.

Meg sucks. Everything she does
is so freaking terrible and depressing.

I went to her first-grade play that time.

Robin Hood, the king is keeping me
prisoner here in his castle.

Don't worry, Maid Marian. I'll save you.

Boy, you guys
are not sucking me into the story at all.

I'm just telling for your own benefit. I'm very
aware that I'm watching a play right now.

- I gotta watch the Emmys.
- You're going to Meg's play and that's that.

Is that that, now, Mrs That's That?

If you're gonna shoot me
you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

- Are you gonna go to Meg's play or not?
- Yes.

- You like eating red carpet, tough guy?
- Yes.

- Say you like eating red carpet.
- I like eating red carpet.

Giggety.

God, why do you wear
those rainbow suspenders?

Well, I could tell you, but I'd rather show you

through interpretive dance.

Crying baby. I'll take him out.

You know, Lois, if we leave now, we can
catch the Emmy for best documentary.

- I hear there's one on vacuuming.
- Really? That sounds interesting...

Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.
You are not watching the Emmys.

Now, shush.

Excuse me. I gotta do some black-guy stuff.

Man, this sucks
worse than my 16th birthday party.

Thanks for coming
to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.

Thanks for having me
to your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish.

It's already come true.

Here's your present.

No! Jake, not like this.

Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope

briefly came back to life,
only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident.

Hey, I'm gonnajump all those trash cans.

In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce
created a major controversy at the Emmys,

when a "trouser malfunction"
caused him to expose his testicles.

Glad I didn't miss the Emmys.

That's great. Thanks to you,
I missed a moment of television history.

Well, now you know how George W Bush felt
when he showed up in Vietnam.

All right, let's do this. Let's kick some ass.

- George, the war's over.
- What?

Yeah, it's done.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Oh, man. Oh, man, I just got
your messages and... I'm sorry.

- It's been over for a while.
- Really?

Yeah, it's 1981.

- It's... Wow, so I'm way late. Oh, boy.
- Yeah.

- You wanna do something else?
- I got some blow.

Son of a bitch!
Took you this long to tell me. Break it out.

We got 20 calls
about the David Hyde Pierce incident.

As you know,
one call equals a billion people,

which means 20 billion people
were offended by this.

Something must be done.

- Perhaps we should ask the chairman.
- Good idea.

Sir, what course of action do you recommend
regarding the Hyde Pierce incident?

You've got to censor television, you fools.
Now, follow my orders.

Stay tuned for Three's Company.

Jack, are you out there?
I want to show you my new bikini.

What? Why are they
blocking out all the good stuff?

It's The... van... Show,
starring... van...

They're messing with my shows.

There was something very different
about that Honeymooners episode.

One of these days, Alice, one of these days...

I'll stimulate the economy
by buying an American car.

The FCC must be overreacting
to the David Hyde Pierce incident.

- They're censoring anything unpleasant.
- What the hell?

They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV
and she looks like a foot.

Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.

You're on TV.
Can't you do something about this?

Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me
for help. We'll have more after this.

We're back. To answer your question,

if you want to control content,
start your own TV station.

My own TV station. I haven't had my own
business since that mail-order operation.

I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you.
Itjust slammed me into a mountain.

- No returns.
- I've been a customer for years.

- I can maybe give you a store credit.
- But... Really? Well, I guess...

- What's the hold-up?
- I'm taking care of it.

What are you doing? What is all this stuff?

Dad's starting his own TV station,

but I'm not supposed to tell Mom
because she'll just bitch him out.

What do you expect to accomplish?

I'm saving television.
Apache Chief, put the satellite on the roof.

Sure, Peter. Apache Chief, eeh-nay-chuk.

Well, that was the high point of my day.
Guess I'll go gamble.

Hi there. I'm Peter Griffin,
and you're watching PTV,

with your favourite shows
as nature intended them -

with all the sex, violence,
swearing and farts intact,

like in All in the Family,
where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

Time for you to move there, Jefferson.

Oh, Archie.

I can't see out of my sheet.

Edith, will you stifle yourself?
We're supposed to be incognitus.

And who could forget
that classic episode of The Waltons?

- Good night, Jim Bob.
- Good night, Pa.

- Good night. Good night, Elizabeth.
- Good night. Good night, Ma.

Good night, Elizabeth.
Good night, John Boy.

Good night, John Boy.

- John Boy?
- Can't a guy masturbate?

Peter, look at these numbers. We're a hit.
I'd think about expanding your programming.

Brian, that's a great idea. That's exactly
what we need to take PTV to the next level.

Original programming.

Hi, and welcome
to The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour,

a wonderful look back on all the partial nudity
network television used to offer.

Look at that side boob.

Check out this side boob.

How about that side boob? That turn you on?

Well, it shouldn't, cos that's my side boob.

Good night, everybody.

So, what do you think?

You gotta be careful
about what you put on your network.

Children are impressionable.
Remember when Chris saw Jackie Mason?

Chris, you should've left for school.

Shiksa, don't start with me.
I forgot to go, I should've gone.

- Chris, just go.
- Mom, relax.

You look so haggard. Lie down
or your heart might go...

Don't worry.
I got a bunch of great new shows lined up.

Filmed in front of a live audience.

My God. Where's my roast pheasant?

By now I think it's in my lower intestine.

You ate it? But I told you
my boss was coming for dinner.

Unless he likes pork rinds,
he's going home hungry.

You cheeky bastard.

Welcome to Midnight Q.

Tonight we'll enjoy
the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus,

Norman Mailer will read
an excerpt from his latest book,

and we have a girl from Omaha
who's hiding a banana.

We'll find out where.
Giggety giggety, giggety goo. Stick around.

More fan mail.

Sheesh, people freakin' love us.
We'll be huge.

I want you to cancel that show
with the animals having sex.

For your information,
it's called Dogs Humping.

It is the cornerstone
of our Wednesday line-up.

Responsibility lies with the parents.

There are worse things for children than TV,
like when Peter baby-sat the neighbours' kid.

Couldn't find your toys, so why don't you just
play with this blow-dryer and these rattles?

Guess that's it.
You probably want me out of your hair,

so here's the Drano in case there's a clog.

Soap's right there next to the radio,
and towels are on the roof.

So, good night.

It's one thing if a network runs inappropriate
shows I can't do anything about,

but I won't have it happening in my house.

There is absolutely nothing
inappropriate about my programming.

All right, Dad, you're on.

Hey, PTV fans. Welcome to Douchebags.

We're here on the I95 overpass doing our first
segment, "I Dare You To Crap Off Of That".

We'll spend the day crapping off things
that others have dared us to crap off.

- I dared him.
- All right. Here we go.

I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?

Before you yell, let me remind you
that you recklessly drove into oncoming crap.

It was inexcusable, Peter, and Stewie
may never be able to ride in the car again.

Turn off the windshield wipers.
They don't work. They're making it worse.

Peter, that's it. I asked you
to stop this and you didn't listen to me.

I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice.

- I called the FCC.
- Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

They will clean up all your talking
in a menace such as this

They will make you take a tinkle
when you want to take a piss

And they'll make you call fellatio
a trouser-friendly kiss

Here's the plain situation

There's no negotiation
with the fellas at the freakin' FCC

They're as stuffy
as the stuffiest of special-interest groups

Make ajoke about your bowels
and they order in the troops

Any baby with a brain
could tell them everybody poops

Take a tip, take a lesson

You'll never win
by messin' with the fellas at the freakin' FCC

And if you find yourself
with some young, sexy thing

You're gonna have to do her
with your ding-a-ling

Cos you can't say "penis"

So they sent this little warning,
they're prepared to do their worst

And they stuck it in your mailbox
hoping you could be coerced

I can think of quite another place
they should have stuck it first

They may just be neurotic

Or possibly psychotic

They're the fellas at the freakin' FCC

Mr Griffin, that was terrific,

but I'm here to tell you
that as of today, PTV is shut down.

Shut me down, huh?
Well, you'll have to catch me first.

Ow! God!

All right, you caught me.

We're tired of you infecting people with your
smut. It's an epidemic. It must be contained.

Well, Mr FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can
never stop people from being who they are.

Or can we?

- What are you doing?
- Censoring real life.

His chin looks like balls.
Want me to cover that too?

How long will you be censoring us?

Until you and all of Quahog
start to clean up your act,

like when Ozzy Osbourne
stopped biting heads off bats.

Before I start playing,
I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.

I'll finish it later.

Lois, these eggs are scrambled. I thought for
sure you'd be making eggs Benedict Arnold.

Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter.

You brought this on yourself
by putting on those filthy shows.

Lois, you are so full of...

What? Now I can't say...
in my own... house?

Great, Lois. Just great.

You know, you're lucky
you're good at... my...

You know what I mean - when you...
lubed up... toothpaste in my...

cherry... Episcopalian...

extension cord... wetness...
with a parking ticket - that is the best.

- What is this?
- The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence.

Everyone must wear this device that converts
all fart sounds into Steven Wrightjokes.

I spilt spot remover
on my dog. Now he's gone.

This is bogus.

Two shakes. That's it. Move along.

Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

Lois, you ruined everything.

I know it's a little extreme,
but when it comes to our children,

it's better to err on the safe side, right?

No. You know, if everybody
was as closed-minded as you,

the world wouldn't have
some of its most inspired creations.

Man, this chocolate bar is delicious.

Yeah, I love peanut butter.

- I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here?
- He got peanut butter on my chocolate.

He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Come on.
I know what'll make you feel better.

How about a little angry sex?

All right.

Whoa. Those actions
are highly inappropriate.

What? Wait, we're not allowed to have sex?

You can have sex, just no moaning,
no tongue kissing, no thrusting,

no movement whatsoever.

This isn't very romantic.
How are we supposed...?

I'm done. Night, Lois.

Come on, you son of a...

...me.

- Brian, would you mind?
- Yeah, sure.

Sorry. I haven't had sex in two weeks.
I'm just a little on edge lately.

There wasn't this much tension
when the slaves were freed.

OK, so you're free to go.
But we're cool, right?

Peter, we have to talk.

I thought this FCC thing was a good idea
at first, but it's just gone way too far.

What are you saying, Lois?

Well, I don't want to admit it,
but I think you were right.

I don't believe it. Finally I can do this.

I set that thing up 15 years ago.
Hey, where's the clown?

We've gotta do something about this. Pack
your bag, Peter. We're going to Washington.

There he is.

- Are we there yet?
- No, honey, we're not.

- Are we there yet?
- No, Chris.

- Are we there yet?
- Yes, Chris. OK? We're there.

Liar!

East of Eden? So you pretty much
do whatever Oprah tells you to.

This book's been around for 50 years.
It's a classic.

You just got it last week.
There's an Oprah sticker on it.

Is that what that is? Let me peel that right off.

- What will you read after that?
- She hasn't told us yet. Damn!

And the motion carries.
The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy.

Gentlemen, that was a fart.

- What's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.

This government's FCC is trying
to take the farts away from television,

and all the sex and nudity and all the poop.

Well, I say it's wrong. These things
are part of the fabric of American life.

We appreciate your passion,
but this Congress supports the FCC.

Indecency is un-American.

Yeah? Well, I can prove to you
that that's a bunch of bull. Look around you.

The Washington Monument. Looks
an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it?

The Capitol Building -
quite obviously a giant boob.

And the Pentagon? Well, you look me in the
eye and tell me it doesn't look like a big anus.

My God! How could we have been so blind?

He's right. Have you ever
looked closely at the Lincoln Memorial?

Our top story, the FCC's content ban
on Quahog has finally been lifted.

- Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC.
- Shh, Lois.

Let's watch The Brady Bunch.

Look what I did. Isn't it the biggest,
most super-special poop you've ever seen?

Well, Cindy, I guess it's true
that big things come in small packages.

Visiontext Subtitles: Sarah Johnston

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