Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Perfect Castaway - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

all right, boys. Let's see what we've got.

Well, at least we got something.



God! Damn! Stupid penguins.

Sorry, guys,
but the way things have been going...

I can't afford to keep you.
I'm gonna have to put you down.

This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.

I love you both. So, sorry.
I'll always love you.

We now return
to Gilmore Girls.

Mom, I need to talk to you about Dean.

Which Dean? Howard Dean, James Dean
or Jimmy Dean.

Too old, too dead, and too fattening.

You don't have to tell that to my thighs.

Can you ask your thighs
if they borrowed my Gap capris?

They did not and are insulted
that you've asked such a thing.

As insulted as Kitty Kelley...

when people accuse her of taking
liberties with her best-selling tell-alls.



- Almost. Wanna make out?
- Absolutely not.

- Oh, you're so Iying.
- I so am.

Oh, honey, how was your day?
Did you catch any fish?

No, but I caught this turtle.
Named him Terence.

Then killed him, and hollowed him out
into an ashtray for Stewie.

Peter, we have a family to feed.
We all count on you to provide for us.

I know, and I feeI terrible.

I must look like a bigger loser
than when I was on that game show.

And now, back to America's
favorite game show...

Bobcat or Bjork.

Okay, Peter. Listen closely and tell us...

if this is a song
by Icelandic vocallst Bjork...

or, the rantings of former comedian
Bobcat Goldthwait.

Here we go.

Well, Bill, that's gotta be Bobcat.

Sorry, that was Bjork.

I tell you, fellows,
if I don't find some fish out there soon...

my family's gonna go hungry.

If it's fish you wants, Pelican's Reef
is where you'll find them.

I've seen fish there.
More fish than you could possibly imagine.

Fish as far as the eye can see.

Lots and lots of fish...

I guess, would be the main bullet point
of this presentation.

Jeez, where is this Pelican's Reef?

There.

But beware, no man has ever returned.

Many have gone. all have been lost.
Vanished, never to be seen again.

No one has ever come back...

I guess, would be the centraI theme
of what I'm trying to get across here.

Pelican's Reef, huh?
Then, that's where I'll go.

'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge.
Like that time I outfarted MichaeI Moore.

- Hi, there.
- How are you doing?

all right, everybody. I'll be back in a week.

- Brian, look after the family.
- Aye, aye.

- Chris, don't pick your bum.
- No promises.

Meg, if you get intimate with a guy,
make him wear this.

Dad, that's a garbage bag.
Don't you mean a condom?

Meg, hefty, hefty, hefty.
Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

Honey, be carefuI.
This Pelican's Reef sounds dangerous.

That's why I built you
a widow's walk, Lois.

So you can watch the sea untiI I return.
Go on, try it out.

- Peter, that doesn't look entirely-
- Go on!

Peter, I'm really not comfortable,
stepping foot on this-

Lois, I gotta leave in, like, five minutes.

Is this scotch tape?

You drunk.

Boy, I really appreciate you guys
helping me out on this.

Peter, we're your friends. We're always
there for you in your time of need.

Especially when you provide the free beer.

Hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I never".

You gotta drink if you did the thing
that the person says they never did.

Well, I got one.

I never slept with a woman
with the lights on.

I'll go next.

I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.

all right, let's see.

I never did a chick
in a Logan airport bathroom.

God, let's see. What else is there?

I never gave a reach around
to a spider monkey...

while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Oh, God.

I never picked up an illegaI allen
at Home Depot...

to take home and choke me,
while I touched myself.

Oh, come on.

I never did the same thing
but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

Oh, boy. He's out cold.
Hey, let's write on him.

What the hell is that?

Oh, my God. There's fish everywhere.

- Wow! This must be Pelican's Reef.
- Holy crap! We're rich!

Rich? I'll tell you what's rich.

The amusing folksy monologues
of young Will Rogers.

But me, I like the visuaI slapstick gag.
Like this comically oversized powder puff.

Makeup. Now, that's rich.

Play me off, Johnny.

In locaI news, we have more on the
approach of Hurricane RuPauI...

which is working his or her
way up the coast.

Let's go live to Ollie Williams
with the blackie weather report.

- Ollie.
- It's raining sideways.

Sounds rough, Ollie.
You have an umbrella?

Had one.

- Where is it?
- Inside out, two miles away.

- Is there anything we can do for you?
- Bring me some soup.

- What kind?
- Turkey.

all right, we'll get on that.

Coming up next,
a pig who refuses to eat Jews.

After this.

A hurricane. Oh, my God!
Peter's out there.

Don't worry, Lois.
Peter's good at getting out of trouble.

Just like Kobe Bryant.

We want the truth, Kobe.
Did you rape her?

What were we talking about?

- That's a hell of a catch, Peter.
- Guys, this is great.

Not only will I be able to put food
on the table, and pay all my bills...

I'll also be able to finance
my Christmas album.

Sessions presents,
a Peter Griffin Christmas.

Featuring such standards as...

Everybody, look at the snow
in the yard

And who could forget...

I brought these gifts for you

They're up in my bum

And everyone's favorite...

Look at the bells, look at the bells

Holy crap, here come Jesus
And he doesn't look too happy

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Here's to fish.

Hey, could I have one of those?

Hey, Death, what are you doing here?

Me? I'm here because of that.

And their vesseI was swept to the bottom
of the briny deep.

Swallowed whole
by the treacherous, unforgiving sea.

They sank, I guess,
would be the one thing...

to take away
from this part of the seminar.

When we come back, I'll show you...

how eye contact can make or break
any business relationship.

It's lucky you packed
so many blow-up dolls...

Quag, Quagmire.

Be carefuI.
The tiniest prick will pop these things.

Giggidy.

We've been out here for days. I'm starving.

- Hey, what's that?
- Where? What?

You're eating something.

- You bastard! You have food?
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Give me that.

Peter! You've been eating my legs?

Yeah.
See, now this is why I didn't say anything.

- I knew you were gonna get like this.
- What the hell is wrong with you?

- Look, Joe-
- You've been eating me!

Okay, you know what.
Let's just agree to disagree.

Hey, guys. There's an island.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, wow. I feeI like an explorer.

Just like my ancestor,
Ponce de Leon Griffin.

There it is boys, the Fountain of Youth.
Just like I told you.

Well, that was worth
the eight-year boat ride.

We gather today to remember
those brave Quahog men...

who were lost at sea.

The Bible declares an eye for an eye.

So, let us now take our vengeance
on this murderous ocean.

You won't be hurting anyone anymore.

- I just can't believe he's gone.
- Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this.

Daddy, I'm gonna miss you.

Daddy!

Oh, he's dead.

I know, sweetie. I'm sad, too.
But you're making a scene.

all our friends are here.

Screw you, fish.

I miss you so much.

But I promise, one day I'll see you again,
Captain Caveman.

It feels like we've been here forever.

Okay, here's one.

What would you guys rather be?
Blind or a midget?

Oh, that's easy. Blind.

It heightens your other senses
to near superhero levels.

Yeah, and every woman I did
would be CheryI Tiegs.

Definitely blind.

You guys are crazy.
Hey, you don't wanna be a midget?

One of those funny little guys
running around...

getting in all kinds of shenanigans.

Smoking a cigar,
while you're riding around in a stroller.

- Good point.
- Never thought of it that way.

- They are God's little punch lines.
- Okay, all right. Here's another one.

Black or crippled?

all right, fellas.
We've been out here for months.

And we all know
that men have certain needs.

And being there's no women around,
we're gonna have to have an orgy.

- Anybody horny?
- No.

- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

And whoever's toe that is,
I appreciate your enthusiasm...

but I think, you can stop.

Boy, I'm sure glad
nobody's here to see this.

And if you look off
the left side of the ship...

you'll see a bunch of homosexuals.

- That was a great cruise.
- Yeah, the buffet was great.

And I enjoyed shooting Skeet.

Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich,
we'll get you to the hospitaI.

You bastard.

There's nothing good about
what you do or who you are.

Lois, I'm home.

- Peter.
- Daddy.

- Dad.
- What's your name again?

I wanna say allen.

- Oh, it's so good to see you guys.
- Peter, we'd given up hope.

I can't tell you how happy I am
that you're allve.

Oh, come here, sweetheart.

Wait, Peter.
There's something you should know.

I'm not quite sure how to tell you this,
but I got remarried.

What?

It was a very difficult time
and he was there for us.

What the hell... Who was there for you?

Honey, I'm home.

- Peter, you're allve.
- Brian.

This is just like that sitcom
where there's two dads.

Except nobody's laughing.
No, wait, it's the same.

You married Brian?

Peter, remember.
We thought you were dead.

I needed help and Brian was there.

He even took a job selling cars
to keep the family afloat.

Well, just get a divorce
and everything will be back to normaI.

It's not that easy.
What am I supposed to tell Brian?

Thanks for saving our family, now scram.
And besides, he's been great with the kids.

I mean, Chris is doing better in schooI.

And Meg even went on a date with
the announcer from the Super Friends.

Meanwhile, under Meg Griffin's bra.

Fine. I can see, I'm not wanted here.
Maybe I'll just find my own place.

Oh, Peter. I just feeI terrible about this.

I don't need your sympathy.
I don't need anything.

You know what?
Maybe I'll just go take up my old job...

as a construction worker in New York.

Although I never did get
the cat calling right.

- Yeah, baby.
- I want a piece of that.

You suck!

Hey, listen, Lois.

You know, I know,
your head must be turned upside down...

by this whole Peter thing.

So, you know, if there's anything
you wanna talk about...

Oh, don't worry, Brian.

I'll admit this is an emotionaI time for me
but you and I are married...

and that's the way it's gonna stay.

So any possibility of...

tonight being the night
we finally push the beds together.

Good night, Brian.

Come on.

Jeez, enough with that already.
You're like a dog with a bone.

Tell me about it. I'll be in the basement.

- Doing what?
- What do you think?

Wow, Joe,
where did you get the new legs?

Transplant. They belonged to
a death row inmate who got the chair.

Unfortunately for me,
he was also a paraplegic.

Guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Lois is the only woman for me.

Well, then, it sounds like you've gotta
find a way to win her back.

Yeah, like we could get her drunk
and take turns having sex with her.

- How would that help me?
- Oh, help you?

Yeah, yeah. Then, no.
No, then, that wouldn't help you.

Well, Joe is absolutely right.

I just gotta figure out
a way to win Lois back.

I can do that, I'm a smart guy.

I once built that time machine out of a
DeLorean.

all right, past. Here I come.

Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire.

I never knew that.

- Oh, hello, Lois.
- Peter.

What are you doing here
and where are your clothes?

Oh, did I forget my clothes?

You know, I'd leave my ass behind...

if it wasn't so perfectly attached
to my sternum.

Perhaps I should cover myself.

Look, Peter,
I know what you're trying to do...

but it's not gonna work.
I'm married to Brian.

Oh, that's right. How inappropriate of me.
Well, I guess, I should be going.

- Lois, do you have a magnet in your head?
- What?

You must, because it's attracting
my buns of steeI.

Peter, knock it off.

You knock it off.
You're the one with the magnet.

I'm serious, knock it off.

Peter, no.

Peter, for God's sake.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't fight this anymore.

I missed you so much.

Lois, I smell whipped cream.
Are you making strawberry shortcake?

So it's a shouting match you want, eh?
Well, game on, Quahog.

I'm beating you!

Hey, Griffin, your sales are in the toilet.
You got problems at home?

No! What would make you say that?

Ex-husband back in the picture,
you're working during the day.

They got time to bump uglies.
That's right, I said, bump uglies.

Big whoop. Want to fight about it?

Shut up, Paddy, you're crazy.
Lois would never cheat on me.

I trust her completely.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a car that's been
tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck.

Damn it! I'm sorry, what?

You know, with colorfuI pictures
of ice cream treats.

And it plays a tune
that's fun for the young children.

Okay, I'm going out.

- Where are you going?
- To my garden club.

It's 10:30 at night and you have a saddle.

Well, it's a...

What's this? What's this, Brian, huh?
What's this, huh?

- It's a ball.
- Oh, is this your ball?

You want it, huh? You want this, huh?

Yes, I would like it, please, yes.

You want this, huh? You want the ball?

- Yes, I would like to have it very much.
- You want the ball?

I would enjoy having it, yes. Give it to me.

Go, get it.

I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken.
I thought you threw the ball in there...

but I can see now you still have it.

Go, get the ball.

I say, are you blind, or just stupid?

- What do you mean?
- Perhaps you'd like to see...

what Lois and the fat man have been up to
in your absence.

Hello, MTV, I think
I would be perfect for The ReaI World.

Because I speak my mind
and not everyone likes that.

But I'm not afraid to go there.
And I can be sexy.

Look at my fanny, look at my fanny,
look at my fanny.

- Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you.
- Shut up!

all right, here it is.

Oh Peter.

Hang on.

Shazzam!

Good for you.

My God. How could they do this to me?

Peter, I can't keep
sneaking around with you like this.

- See, it's not fair to Brian.
- What about me, Lois. I love you, too.

And the other thing is, Lois, hi, he's a dog.

Please. Please don't make this any harder
than it has to be.

You know, I will always love you,
but I made a commitment to Brian.

I can never repay him
for what he's done for this family.

I'm sorry, Peter.

all right, Simon, do your worst.

I find it's easy
if I make it into a little song.

Red, green, blue, green, blue, blue
Then you put in words

I like tea and cakes for tea and cake time

- Brian, you're still up.
- Lois, listen.

We need to talk.

Oh, my, I better leave you two alone.

- What's the matter, Brian?
- I've been thinking about us.

And I just don't think it's working out.

Oh, my God. No way.

You wanna break up. Why?

I just don't think
you're the right woman for me.

Oh, bitch. You got jacked, bitch.

Maybe you should see
if Peter will still take you back.

- I'm sorry, Lois.
- I understand, Brian.

There's no possible way
I can ever thank you enough for this.

- You're a good friend.
- You're a good friend too, Lois.

That's kind of nice.

Well, thank God,
everything's back to normaI.

I'll say.

And to think, Brian, I was, like,
a day away from having sex with you.

I was gonna push those beds together...

and take you
around the freaking world, Brian.

But a nice pat on the head
is just as good, huh?

- You want your ball?
- No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now.

I'll be in the basement.

- Doing what?
- What do you think?

Okay, somebody's gonna have to
explain that to me.