Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - North by North Quahog - full transcript

Everybody, I got bad news.
We've been cancelled.

Oh no, Peter, how could they do that?

Unfortunately, Lois, there's just
no more room on the schedule.

We've just got to accept the fact that
Fox has to make room for terrific shows...

like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared...

Action, That Eighties Show...

Wonderfalls, Fastlane,
Andy Richter Controls the Universe...

Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up...

The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real...

FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large,
Costello, The Lone Gunmen...

A Minute with Stan Hooper,
Normal, Ohio, Pasadena...



Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street,
American Embassy...

Cedric the Entertainer,
The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.

Is there no hope?

Well, I suppose if all those shows
go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

- What are you watching, Peter?
- Passion of the Christ.



I tell you, Brian, I can't believe
that this guy's just lying there taking it.

If it was me, I would have done
something about it.

Hey!

Hey, hey.

Stop it.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

- Hi, boys.
- I didn't have my hands down my pants.

Good for you.

I just bought us some new sheets
at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Boy, I hope you stayed away
from that Beyond section.

Here are the coffee mugs.

Honey, what do you say
we christen these new sheets?

Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.

- That's me.
- You dirty hustler.

- You filthy, stinky prostitute.
- Okay, I get it.

You foul, venereal-disease-carrying,
streetwalking whore.

All right, that's enough.

It's good to have land.

George!

- George? Who the hell is George?
- George Clooney.

Our sex is so dull for you that you
got to fantasize about George Clooney?

I'm sorry, honey.

I guess that things have become
a little stale for me.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I don't really know that much
about any kinky stuff.

I mean, I could hook this car battery
up to my nipples.

Oh, God!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

This doing it for you?

I don't know.
I just don't feel that spark anymore.

I mean, our honeymoon.
So much rug burn!

Wait a second, Lois. That's what we need.

We'll go on a second honeymoon.

Peter, that's a wonderful idea!

Yeah. We'll be just like
The Honeymooners!

One of these days, Alice.
One of these days...

Yeah, yeah. I know, Ralph.
Right to the moon.

Well, that's everything.
Now, remember, kids...

Brian is in charge while your father and I
are out at Cape Cod.

I'll take good care of them, Lois.
You guys have a good time.

- Be good.
- Bye, Mom, I love you!

Brian, if I choose to make
stool in my pants right now...

you're the only one here to change me.

What do you think of that?

- I'm not gonna change you.
- What?

- I said, I'm not going to change you.
- You can't be serious.

What if I make a fudgie?

I just won't, that's all. I just won't.

Blast, I just did!

Chris, cut it out!

Brian, Chris just picked his nose
and he keeps touching me with his finger!

What good is mining nose gold
if I can't share it with the townspeople?

I swear to God, these kids are gonna
make me put a bullet through my head.

If I was in charge,
we wouldn't be having this problem.

You got some ideas? Tell me.

I'll tell you.
Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange.

How does it smell, dog?
Does it smell like servitude?

Aft torpedoes, fire!

Lois?

Hey, Lois, honey?

Sweetheart?

You're awake!

- Hey, can you hand me the pretzels?
- Here. Where are we?

About two hours from Cape Cod's
most luxurious bed and breakfast.

Peter, this is gonna be wonderful.

I'm so excited
I want to prep my diaphragm now.

Gross. Hey, why don't you
go back to sleep?

- I'll wake you up when we get there.
- Okay.

Look at all those hamburgers.

You can't eat all those hamburgers,
you stupid fellow!

He's gonna do it! He's so ridiculous.

You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're...

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?
I fall asleep for 10 minutes...

and you plow the car into a tree?

Oh, my God! You got to pay attention
to the road. We could have been killed!

I mean, look at the front of our car.

It's totaled. It's completely totaled, Peter!

This is just terrific.
How are we gonna get...

Oh, my God!

I knew I should have driven.
I should always drive.

I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin!

Dear God, this is where we're sleeping?

Come on, Lois. They said
they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow.

And then our second honeymoon's back
on track.

Peter, there's a hooker on the bed.

- Hi.
- Stand perfectly still, Lois.

Their vision is based on movement.

Where did you go?

And now back to Two and a Half Men.

Kill me!

Turn it, Chris.
I want to watch George Lopez.

That show only furthers the stereotype
that George Lopez is funny.

- Give me that!
- Chris, Give me the remote.

- Chris, stop!
- Stop doing that!

My hat!

Wear it now.

You two better settle down.

- Chris, give Meg her hat.
- I don't have to listen to you.

You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

Ow.

Don't take that. Raise your voice to them.

Hey! Knock it off!

Look, you kids are obviously in need
of some type of activity.

I don't know. What do you say
we read a book or something?

Stewie, what does Peter have
on his bookshelf?

Two Garfield books and the novelization
of the movie Caddyshack.

"Mananananana," said Ty,
sinking yet another ball.

"Mananananana... " Hang on.

Thank God.

"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis. "

Now, as you can see in this panel,
Garfield doesn't care for Nermal.

But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay.

Or is he? Let's read on.

Okay, I'll be there.

Peter and Lois were supposed to
chaperone Chris' school dance...

tomorrow night. So, I guess it's up to me.

You mean it's up to us. Clearly you
need my help with this parenting thing.

You're too stupid to do it alone.

Besides, I know how to deal with
children, unlike Mr. Geppetto.

Oh, no. I dropped my glasses.

By the way, Pinocchio,
there was a cookie missing from the jar.

Did you take it by any chance?

Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry.

Are you sure you took it? Because
I'd believe you if you said you didn't.

No, I took it, Papa. I wouldn't lie to you.

You could try. Who knows?
You might get away with it.

$900 to fix the car.

That was all the money we had
for this trip.

Look, Peter, this second honeymoon
was a nice thought...

but maybe we should just go home.

Coming up, handsome mustachioed man
recaps news in pleasing baritone.

Stay tuned for this and more.

But first, Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa
is on hand for the opening...

of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.

Diane, I am standing outside the
Park Barrington Hotel...

because they don't allow Asians inside.

Fancy place. Boy, that'd make
some second honeymoon.

The Park Barrington is already attracting
some big names.

Such as Christianity enthusiast
Mel Gibson, who has his own room...

on permanent reserve.
A room which he barely uses.

Barely uses? Lois, I just got an idea!

Much better than that time
I experimented with gene splicing.

Lois, quick question.
Do we have any Tylenol?

How I envy them, dog. They've got
their whole lives ahead of them.

Man, look at that kid.
That is one ugly eighth grader.

You don't want to hurt yourself dancing.

Make sure you stretch out
those creamy hamstrings.

Come on, Chris. It's just vodka.

Jake swiped it
from his dad's liquor cabinet.

Yeah, see? It's good.

Well, okay. Maybe just one sip.

Christopher Griffin, is that alcohol?

Mister, you're in serious trouble.

He's absolutely right, kids.
Because when you drink, nobody wins.

In fact, last year alone,
there were over 27,000 deaths from...

chronic liver disease
as a result of alcohol abuse.

- Now we know.
- And knowing is half the battle.

G.I. Joe!

- Peter, we can't afford this.
- No, but Mel Gibson can.

Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for
the key to my specially reserved room.

You're Mel Gibson?

Yes, I've put on a few pounds
for my next role.

I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior
who defied the English to free England...

- from the English.
- Holy mackerel!

Let me show you
to your room, Mr. Gibson!

Peter, the toilet paper is made of money.

Yeah, and look at this. They even got
some of that high-class British porn.

Almost. Almost. Almost.

- There we are.
- Well done.

Did you think you were cool?

Did you think you were grown up?

I didn't actually drink any of it.

Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.

We are going to have a talk with Jake's
parents tomorrow after my burping.

And, in the meantime,
you're grounded, Chris.

Come on. That sucks!

- Do you want us to pull over?
- I don't care what you do!

We'll pull over. We'll pull over. Pull over.

If your teachers ask about your bruises,
what do you tell them?

I got hit by a baseball!

- Mel!
- Mel? Wait a minute.

You were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.

You don't find me attractive anymore.

Honey, I'm sorry. I know you're trying.

But you can't force the spark
back into our marriage.

Well, then I guess this whole second
honeymoon was a waste of time.

- Peter...
- I don't want to talk about it!

I'm just gonna watch British porn.

You know, Margaret, we could have
sexual intercourse right now.

- Yes, yes we could.
- But, let's not.

Do you think we were too hard
on Chris tonight?

What? Oh, God, no.

No, no. I don't...

I don't think so.

Do you?

No, I just always feel badly
when we have to be strict.

Did I remember to turn the stove off?

Yes.

I'm sorry for everything
that's happened, Peter.

I guess I'm going through a phase
right now...

where I'm only attracted
to handsome men.

Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois?

Just admit that there's no excitement
left in our marriage?

Go home and spend the rest of our lives
looking at each other...

across the breakfast table, talking about
how much we both like Total?

- I love Total.
- Actually, so do I.

And it's healthy for us, too.
Oh, God! It's starting already!

Lois, we are screwed.

Mel Gibson's secret screening room.

Hey, what's this?

The Messiah, he's gone.

Where did he go?

Hang on.

Man, you crazy, Jesus. You crazy!

That's what my ex-wife said.

For the son of God,
you sure are a son of a...

Chris Tucker and Jim...

Caviziel? Is that it?
The guy from the first one?

Passion of the Christ 2:

Crucify This.

- You know how to use one of these?
- You know how to use one of these?

This July, let he who is without sin...

kick the first ass.

Man, that's all we need.
More Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo.

Well, not if I have anything to say about it!

I am going to make sure
this never sees the light of day.

Peter, are you crazy?

Stealing Mel Gibson's towels,
bathrobes, and Nazi paraphernalia...

is one thing,
but this is a multi-million-dollar film.

And he's a very powerful man.

He could have us arrested or killed.

It's worth the risk, Lois.

To save the world
another two hours of torture.

We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake
of Jesus and Snoopy...

and all the other
beloved children's characters.

Let's go!

Pardon me. We work for Mel Gibson.

Seems he left something very valuable
in his room and we're here to retrieve it.

Mr. Gibson just checked out
a moment ago.

There he goes now.

Lois, run!

Hey, stop!

They're gaining on us.

We never should have stolen this film.

Man, this is even more intense
than that time I forgot how to sit down.

Don't worry, Lois.
I think I know how to lose them.

- Peter, what the hell are you doing?
- Lois, trust me.

- How many times have I done this before?
- All right, but be careful.

Okay, now, be polite. And for God's sake...

don't mention anything
about his kid's face.

Shut up! I am always so polite.

I hope we don't wind up
on the evening news 'cause of this.

You're funny.

Brian, please come in.

Can my wife, Stacy, get you anything?

- Go to hell, Tom.
- Already there, hon.

Yes, well, Mr. Tucker, it seems
your son Jake had some vodka...

at the school dance
and Chris got blamed for it.

This whole situation has just turned
his whole life upside-down face.

It's no concern of mine if it's turned
his life upside-down face.

- Jake's a good boy. Aren't you, Jake?
- Yeah!

- Look, Mr. Tucker, I...
- We're through here.

Get out of my house, Benji!

Fine! If you're gonna be that way
about it, maybe I'll do this.

- Yeah, look at this.
- Stop that!

Yeah, you don't like this, huh?

- This is what Benji would do.
- Stop doing that in my carpet!

- Knock it off! Stop it!
- That feels so good.

There's got to be a way to get back
at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris.

I know! Let's plant drugs in his locker.

- Oh, my God! That's a great idea.
- Yeah, thought you'd like that.

Hey, look at that Yosemite Sam mud flap.

You had better stay back, Brian.

I think we lost them.

You stay here. I'm gonna go bury this film.

Well, Mel Gibson,
this is one piece of crap...

the world will never have to
suffer through.

I am so clever.

That's why they picked me
to convince Congress to go to war.

There is no just cause
for an invasion of Iraq.

Well, that may be.
But what we're all forgetting is...

anyone who doesn't
want to go to war is gay.

- I want to go to war.
- Yes.

- We should definitely go.
- Yes, we should totally go to war.

I was the first one who wanted to
go to war.

Peter!

Lois!

Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin.
I'm doing this because I have to.

What are you gonna do to me?

What are you gonna do to me?

As soon as your husband gives me
what I want, you're free to go.

Anybody home?

- Peter!
- All right, Gibson. I want my wife back.

Or a woman
of equal physical attractiveness.

Where's the film?

- Come on, honey, let's get out of here.
- You're just gonna give him the film?

Don't worry, Lois.
There's a dog turd in there.

But by the time he finds out,
we'll be long...

There's a dog turd in here.

- Lois?
- What?

Jump!

No, wait!

I'll deal with them myself.

We're on top of the monument.

Holy crap!

You know, I know this is the wrong time
to be star struck...

but Mel Gibson is shooting at us.

Peter, help!

Oh, man. I'm coming, Lois.

Lois, look. I'm a booger.

- Peter, for God's sake!
- Okay. Grab my hand.

And now, Mr. Griffin, I want that film.

Sure. It's right over there
in President Rushmore's mouth.

My God! He just walked
right over the edge.

Of course, he did.
Christians don't believe in gravity.

- Peter, it's back.
- What, that rash?

No, the spark.

Honey, I have never been
more attracted to you than I am right now.

Really? Wow!

So I guess this honeymoon
was just the kind of excitement...

our marriage needed.

- I guess it just goes to show that you...
- Shut up and let's do it!

Peter!
Yes!

Hey, Jefferson, check it out.
A chick getting nailed on my head.

Sweet. Hey, Teddy, pass the word
down to Frankenstein.

Oh, ha-ha!

In local news, a Buddy Cianci
Junior High School student...

has been arrested for possession of drugs.

The student has been sentenced
to 200 hours of community service...

and is a very bad boy.

We now go to Ollie Williams for the
punishment forecast. Ollie?

- He gonna get it!
- Thanks, Ollie.

Now this.

So you actually put coke
in that kid's locker?

- Yup.
- Where'd you get it?

I got a guy.

Don't let it get the best of you.
I used to be a lawyer.

See you next week.
Good to be back, America.