Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - One If by Clam, Two If by Sea - full transcript

"It seems today that all you see

"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

"On which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

"Laugh and cry

"He's a family guy

- Here you go, boys.
- Thanks, Horace.

So I told my boss I'm not staying in that
stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

That's cool.



- Here you go, boys.
- Thanks, Horace.

So I told my boss I'm not staying in that
stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

That's fly.

- Here you go, boys.
- Thanks, Horace.

So I told my boss I'm not staying in that
stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places.

You are livin' la vida loca.

- I better head home.
- What do you mean, "home"? You live here.

Here's to The Drunken Clam, where they
don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.

Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".

Are you sure? I-I think I did.
All right, well, just to be safe... Oh!

We interrupt this programme for a bulletin
on the approach of Hurricane Norman.

Here with an update
is Greg the Weather Mime.

OK, it's gonna be cold. Very cold.

And there's gonna be wind.



And people's parents will throw faecal matter
down on them from the rooftops. How awful!

Oh. No. I'm sorry. That's rain.

Yes. It'll rain.

The number one cause of injury
during a hurricane is broken glass.

So stay away from the windows.
And, Peter, put those away.

Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more song.

Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's
gonna sneak up and give me a vasectomy.

Chris, nothing bad ever happens when you're
asleep. Sometimes good things can happen.

Oh, Jenny... Jenny...

Oh, yeah. Jenny, don't stop.

Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials
have brought pleasure to millions.

And what a sweet ass.

- This way, everyone.
- Bless you for helping us, Father.

It's God's wish, my dear.

All right.

Hurricane Norman is about to pound Quahog.
We go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa

to see how locals are dealing
with the imminent disaster. Tricia?

Diane, I'm here in...

- Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further...
- Aaargh!

- What a mess.
- Look at that!

Wow.

- Aaargh! Aaargh! For the love of God...
- Oh, my God! Daddy!

Aaargh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Gotcha! See, kids? Disasters have their
lighter sides too. You just have to be creative.

Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theatre.

"I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race. "

That's brilliant.

Oh, my. Look at all the damage.

Thank God
the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact.

Peter, look. The Clam.

Aaagh!

- This is horrible.
- You think this is horrible?

Try losin' a testicle
in a knife fight with your mother.

- What about your bar?
- It's not mine any more.

I sold the place. Let someone else
worry about hurricanes.

- Who'd buy a wrecked bar?
- The bar's not wrecked.

Thank you, God.

Don't mention it.

Wait. Something's different.

Evening, gents.
How about a nice warm lager?

- Help yourself to a packet of crisps.
- Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.

Holy crap! It's a gay bar!

They turned The Drunken Clam
into a British pub?

Well, at least they still got sports on TV.

The new bowler has a cover point, long-on,
square leg, extra cover and two short legs.

What the hell is he talkin' about?

It's cricket. Marvellous game, really.

You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the
batsman, who tries to play away to fine leg.

He scores by dashing between the creases,

provided the wicketkeeper
hasn't whipped his bails off.

- Anybody get that?
- The only British idiom I know

is that "fag" means "cigarette".

- Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
- Guys, there's no girlie magazines in the can!

All they got is this David Copperfield.

Wait. Any pictures of his girlfriend?

No pictures at all!

- I think we should go.
- Yes. This is a dark and evil place.

I say, Carruthers,
you know what's very, very funny?

A man dressed in women's clothing.

- Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
- Yes.

Lois, The Drunken Clam's been taken over
by lousy limey tea-suckin' British bastards!

- Peter!
- Hello. Nigel Pinchley here.

I was introducing myself to your wife, who
I must say is a gorgeous bit of crumpet.

- Holy crap. You're one of them!
- Peter.

Nigel and his daughter
are our new neighbours.

I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard
who's purchased your bar.

- Bit of an awkward moment, really.
- Awkward moment?

I'll give you an awkward moment.
One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank".

- Your move, Sherlock.
- Peter! Excuse us.

Why are you acting like this?
Nigel's charming. All British men are.

That's what they said
about Benjamin Disraeli.

You don't even know who I am.

The British are a lovely people.
Not physically, of course, but inside.

And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter.

Aw! Look at the little baby!

- What the devil is that ghastly noise?
- It's me. Eliza Pinchley.

You wanna flower, little baby?

Excuse me, what I think
you mean to say is, would I like a flower?

You don't so much speak the language
as chew it and spit it out.

Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?

Everything. Here's a shiny sixpence
if you keep your mouth shut and go away.

Oh...

I know The Drunken Clam was your bar,

but you and your friends can find
somewhere else to act like idiots.

I guess you're right.
You know why I married you, Lois?

It's not just the rack or the caboose.
It's that big sexy brain of yours.

- All right. This place isn't bad.
- Yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube.

I've never seen so many chicks in one place.

Hey, check out those two hotties. They're so
lonely, they're practisin' kissin' each other.

I don't think they're practisin'.

Oh.

Oh!

Ohhh.

So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

- Yep.
- Yep.

- Yup.
- Mm-hm.

Hope the loo is working.

Nice choice for a hang-out, Peter.
There's not even anywhere to sit down.

- Is that some kind of crack?
- Crack? You sayin' I got a fat ass?

Fellas, fellas. What's become of us?
We never squabbled before we lost The Clam.

- Right. It's those lousy fog-breathers.
- Damn British.

They took our bar, then our friendship. What's
next? Apple pie, fast cars and action films?

It vas a glorious summer
in Oxford ven I met Freddy Cavendish.

A most remarkable young man whose
friendship vould change my life forever.

You are the anchor
that gives my spirit licence to soar.

Our forefathers wouldn't
take it on the chin like this.

Right. I say we fight the British and drive 'em
back to whatever country they came from.

- Yeah! Yeah!
- We gonna get 'em.

Stewie, look. It's an invitation
to little Eliza's birthday party.

You mean that horrid girl
who talks like a scullery maid?

I didn't realise she'd been born. I assumed
she'd congealed in a gutter somewhere.

Ooh, I'm gonna RSVP right now.

Splendid. An entire afternoon of her "er"s
and "ah"s and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice".

Why can't the English
teach their children how to speak?

You teach her. If you're up to it.

Oh, yes. This is the part where I'm
supposed to say "I am so up to it. Ha ha ha. "

Well, I am. I accept your challenge.

At her party I shall pass that guttersnipe off
as a lady. What are the stakes of this wager?

- Why don't you shut up for about a week?
- And if I win?

I wasn't betting. Why don't you
just shut up for about a week?

You're on!

Minutemen, present arms.

- Load weapons.
- Boom chaka-laka-laka boom chaka-laka.

Fire!

- Oh, I say!
- Throw the blackguards out.

- I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.
- Don't tread on me.

Yeah, back off. We kicked your ass
in World War II and we can do it again.

Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably,

we'll have to use our superior
linguistic skills to convince you to leave.

Just try it.

- Bye.
- Sorry to bother you.

I never saw it that way before...
Wait a minute. How the hell did they do that?

We're not gonna let this stop us.
I've never been defeated. Except once.

- Eric?
- Peter?

Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since
high school. What are you doin' these days?

- I'm the red guy.
- Oh, my God.

- What about you?
- I'm the green guy.

- No kiddin'?
- Yeah.

- Hey, is that Stacy Beacham?
- Where?

Now, don't worry, these guys are trained
to stay perfectly still. Check it out.

Hey, Margaret Tha... What the hell...?
I thought you English guys never move.

No, that's just our women.

Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat!
Egg and chips with jam butties.

- Welcome to the Quahog beer party.
- I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.

- I felt Guilty once, but she woke up.
- Peter, what are you doin'?

It may taste like a warm cup of
tobacco-chewer's spit, but it's still beer.

Good point. Bottoms up!

Ha! Take that, you lousy Brits!

Peter! We waited up all night.
Where were you?

Wh-where was I? Where were you?

- Out drinkin'. But I was back by two.
- Oh, no.

Our top story: The Clam's Head Pub
has burned to the ground.

Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.

Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist?
Police say no, but our producer says yes.

Here's an artist's depiction
of what the arsonist might look like.

Anyone with information regarding this
suspect should contact police immediately.

One thing is certain: The pain here is palpable.

For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II

gives poignant new meaning to the phrase
"Hey, check out that flaming queen. "

In a late development
the police have a new suspect.

We now go live to Hispanic
reporter Maria J... Ji... Jim...

- Jimenez.
- I know what it is.

At this moment we're
approaching the suspect's house.

This is better than COPS. You know
there's a fat drunk guy in there.

- Hold it!
- Freeze!

- There he is.
- Griffin, you're comin' with us.

I wanna see what they do with this jackass.

- Hands up!
- Oh, Peter, you didn't!

- Hey, fatty's wife is a babe.
- That's it.

It appears the real arsonist is in custody,
thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities.

Good. Good.

Ah, the fat guy's struggling. Hit him,
you stupid pigs! Hit him. Use the billy...

This Minutemen flag was found
in the wreckage of The Clam's Head.

You are clearly guilty of arson,
so you are free to go.

Straight to jail. Ha!
Now you got burned! No bail.

- Peter, tell me you didn't do this.
- Lois, I didn't do it.

You can trust me, right?
Let's sit down and talk about this.

- I wanna believe you but... agh!
- Gotcha!

But seriously, you can trust me.

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry
this terrible tragedy has befallen you.

Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind.

- Can I touch your bum once?
- What?

I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash.
I won't take no for an answer.

Unless the question is "Do you not like me?"

Get it? Double negative, you know.
Yes, very good.

Hey hey hey, check out the new meat.

- I like the fat one. More cushion for pushin'.
- Thank you.

- Hey, we gonna have a good time together.
- Gosh, everybody's so nice here.

I mean, they're gonna be disappointed
when they find out I'm not gay, but wow.

Oh, my God. See that guy? That's the most
vicious killer I ever put away, Steve Bellows.

- He's so mean, he shot a man for snoring.
- Where have I heard that before?

It's in this simulated-leather edition
of Time-Life's Killers of Quahog.

They're all here. John the Biter, the Berserk
Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler...

Maybe Steve won't remember you.

Well, well. Officer Swanson. You and
your friends are dead. You're all dead!

Oh, good.

He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

No, no, no! If you're ever going to
be a lady, you must speak like one.

Now try it again. "The life
of the wife is ended by the knife. "

The loif of the woif...

No, no, no. Not "loif". Life! Life!

- That's what I said. Loif.
- Listen, you tin-eared piece of baggage.

We've got five days left, and I'll not
lose my wager. Now repeat after me.

"Hello, Mother,
have you hidden my hatchet?"

'Ello, Mother, 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet?

Oh, God, no. It's an H sound,
you moron. H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Ew. Your breath smells like kitty litter.
- I was curious!

- Our husbands couldn't have done this.
- Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi.

Excuse me. Where can I find Nigel Pinchley?

I'm from Quahog Insurance.
I have a cheque for him.

- Five million dollars?!
- He took out a policy just before the fire.

Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?

No, not really. In fact,
it seems to happen all the time.

- Oh, no. Here comes Steve!
- I haven't forgot about you boys.

Saturday night at midnight.
You're dead. All of you are dead.

Midnight on Saturday? Thank God!
We can still be in the talent show.

From the top, boys. A-five, six, seven, eight.

Once again, here is how it should sound.
"How do you do?" Here's how you sound.

Now try it again.

- How do you do?
- What did you say?

"The life of the wife is ended by the knife. "

I think she's got it. I think she's got it!

"The life of the wife is ended by the knife

By George, she's got it!
By George, she's got it!

Now, what ends her wretched life?

"The knife, the knife

And where's that bloody knife?

"In the wife, in the wife

" The life of the wife
is ended by the knife

Bravo, Eliza!

"The life of the wife is ended by the knife

Hello. So nice to see you.

There he is. We need to search the house for
evidence, but one of us has to distract Nigel.

Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't.

What about Loretta? Nigel looks
like he's down with the swirl.

There you are, Lois. Shall I give you the grand
tour and show you my... private quarters?

- I'd love to.
- I must say, you look absolutely...

mmm... mmm... mm-mm-mm.

Don't be shy, lambie lamb.

This is my study, where I... study
things that arouse my interest.

Oh, good. The girls are in place.

Oh, Nigel. Since Peter's been gone,
I've been searching for someone new.

You know? Someone with
a sense of danger and adventure.

- I once played cricket without shin guards.
- Oh, I love a reckless man.

One time I went up to this bloke's flat,
rang the bell and ran like Sebastian Coe.

More! Tell me more!

I burned down my pub for the insurance
money and framed your husband.

I knew it! And what's more,
I have witnesses. Bonnie.

Loretta?

Demond Wilson from Sanford
and Son? What are you doing here?

I know. I'm surprised I'm alive too.

Sorry, love. Better luck next time.

Mr Pinchley, I heard everything.

And what you've done is a textbook
example of insurance... fra-ud?

Bloody hell.

- Why the devil were you in the closet?
- I came with Demond.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley.

Psst. You. Dogbert. Down here.
Get a front-row seat for this one.

How kind of you all to come.

Magnificent!

Old sport, why don't you pull your face from
your loins and bury it into some humble pie?

Bloody 'ell!
I've gone and wet meself.

Don't give me that smug look. Fine!
You have extra-sensitive hearing: Hear this.

- I'm telling.
- I... No! I said "vacuum"!

- Hurry, Peter. Steve'll be here in five minutes.
- Oh, crap. We're dead.

This is the end, boys.

Looks like our next stop
is a corner booth in a bar in heaven.

Peter, Nigel confessed. You're free!

You hear that, guys? We're free!

Get ready to die! Oh.

I wonder what this feels like.

Ow! That hurts!

My God, is that what I've been
doin' to people? I belong here.

Horace, I never thought
I'd see you or The Clam again.

Florida stunk.

Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'.
Laid eggs in my lower intestine.

But you're all thirsty.
I'll bore you another time.

Here's to our wives. They may not be
as hot as the women you see on TV.

Or as entertaining.

But, um...

I don't know where I'm goin'
with this. But thanks.

I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson.
Whatever he gets is too good for him.

Dear Stewie, I want you to know
that I blame my father's death

and my incarceration in this hellhole
entirely on your awful mother.

If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that
she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza.

Excellent. Here, have a look.

Good. Good.

Visiontext Subtitles: Rob Colling

ENGLISH SDH