Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Screwed the Pooch - full transcript

I got the whole day planned.
First, we see the primates.

Then the butterfly house, bathroom break...

Can't we all just run around
in a disorganised fashion?

- Yeah!
- Monkeys throw their poo!

If we don't adhere to a schedule,
we won't see everything.

Kids, gas masks. Run!

There you are.
Oh, don't be such a pig, Mr Pig.

Now, where's Mr Sheep?
Is he being baa-shful?

That's right. You're all ripe for parody.

- Can we go now?
- Shut up! I'm having fun.

Oh, my, someone's awfully rude.
Oh! My fanny is not on the menu! What?



What the...? Agh! Agh!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh!

Here, little fella. Come get the food.

I have always wanted to do this.

Oh, here are the marsupials.
Peter, what the hell are you doing?!

Look at me, Lois, I'm Roo. Come on, Ma.

Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of
their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.

I am going to kick your ass.

"It seems today that all you see

"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

"On which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

"Laugh and cry



"He's a family guy

- How's it going?
- Great. Beautiful day.

Gorgeous. We sit here and force small talk
while they have the time of their lives.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here, girl.

Sorry. I... I thought I smelled... cookies.

Wow. Does it really smell like cook...?
God! She farted and it went down my throat!

- Full house.
- That's some poker face you've got, Peter.

- Years of practice, boys.
- Peter, you're on a roll.

We ought to get you down to Atlantic City.

Sorry, guys. Lois is making me
visit the in-laws this weekend.

Why does she bother? Me and Lois's
old man have never gotten along.

Hey, I got an email from Mr Pewterschmidt.

You should find some common ground
with your father-in-law.

Figure out what he likes and study up on it.

That's a great idea. I'll learn how to act
like a rich guy. I'm gonna start right now.

- You're working through Christmas!
- But, sir, what of Tiny Tim?

Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this.

"I'd be more apathetic
if I weren't so lethargic. "

Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny.
Yeah, can I have a copy of Jugs?

In French, when you want
to say "yes", you say "oui, oui".

You gotta be kidding me!
Oh, my God! That is hysterical!

Oh, man! And what do you say
for no? "Doo-doo"?

I'll be right back.
I gotta go take a wicked "yes".

- Ohh.
- It's a person.

- Would you fix the bathroom faucet?
- I fixed it already.

- No, you didn't. It's still dripping.
- I'll give you all my Star Wars cards if it is.

Wait, wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter
how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.

Oh, my God!

- Was he just mastur...?
- Yes.

- Oh, my.
- Do we... do we rub his nose in it?

- Oh, hi, Brian.
- Listen, Lois, about yesterday...

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's perfectly normal.

I know. It's just, I should be able
to control my baser instincts,

but lately I've just been having these urges.

Why don't you come to my parents' house?
The fresh air will help you relax.

Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.

- I know the guy that owns this place!
- What?!

I said, I know the guy that...
Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.

Thanks, but I think a quiet weekend
by myself is just the thing I need.

Well, have a good time.

I'm gonna relax, mellow out,
and watch some television.

We now return to
"World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.

Hey, wait up!

Right into the bumper.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, look at you all.

I know someone who's getting a gift
certificate for liposuction in her stocking.

- Thank you.
- Hello, everyone.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.

- Did Peter have a stroke?
- He's cultured himself, like Pretty Woman.

Oh, so I should treat him
like a high-class whore.

That's fine. Just no kissing on the lips.

- Would you like a piece of candy?
- I smell death on you.

Ahoy, Mr Pewterschmidt.
Permission to come aboard?

- No!
- Thanks. Quite a schooner you got here.

- What is she? A 45-footer?
- Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.

I didn't know you looked
so good in shorts.

- What?
- You don't have an eye spliced in this line.

I'll tie a bowline in there and make one.
That should hold her.

- And this is a '74 Pinot Noir.
- Mmm, lovely.

Carter, did you tell your son-in-law
he's not supposed to swallow the wine?

Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin?

He said he'd give me a hundred dollars
if I took off all my clothes off.

Thanks for bringing me.
This is just what I needed.

I'm glad. It seems like
everybody's having a lot of fun.

- How long are you and your family in...?
- Uh-uh-uh-uh. No conversation.

You idiot! I'm never taking you
to my country club again!

- I'm sorry, Mr Pewterschmidt.
- Your husband is a moron!

He walks up to the premier of China
and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"

I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd,
but it's worse than before.

This sucks worse than that time
I was on Survivor.

How dare you wash your clothes
in our drinking water, Bebe?

Now how are we gonna survive
in this harsh, unforgiving terrain?

Make sure the wheel goes all the way around.

Oh, no. Head-hunters. Am I fired?

Peter's been trying really hard
to get you to like him.

Give him another chance?
Let him join your poker game?

I'd rather be stuck in an elevator
with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried,

Carrot Top, uh... Sean Hayes...
Oh, you get the picture.

- Please?
- No!

OK. You know, maybe later
I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place

and introduce her to that mulatto boy
who looks a lot like...

- Would Peter like to play poker with us?
- He'd love to.

That sounds dynamite.

Brian, come here and meet Sea Breeze,
my prize-winning dog.

Isn't she a perfect specimen?
Look at these legs and that beautiful coat.

Feel the heat coming off of her genitalia.
You could roast a marshmallow.

That's how you can tell she's a champion.
Go on. Put your hand there.

- Oh... That is...
- Is that something?

That is something. That is... that is hot.

Isn't she the most beautiful dog?

Yes. Yes, she is a beautiful dog.
And that's OK.

This is Peter.
He's the idiot my daughter married.

- Michael Eisner.
- Bill Gates.

Peter's an anti-trust lawyer
with the Justice Department.

Just kidding. He's a fisherman
or some stupid thing.

- Hey, fellas.
- Wow! Ted Turner!

- I told you not to invite him.
- He must have followed us.

Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards?

- Peter, why don't you deal?
- We're playing Texas Hold 'Em.

- Are aces high or low?
- They go both ways.

He said "They go both ways. "

- Like a bisexual.
- Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

- I see your bet, and I raise you CNN.
- Oh, I don't think I can...

You can beat him, Mr Pewterschmidt.
He's bluffing.

He bet CNN. There's no way he's bluffing.

I'm sure he is. He's got a tell. If you
lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter.

I'm in. All right, Teddy. I'll see your CNN
with US Steel. What have you got?

- Two pair.
- Ace-high straight.

You sold me out. I could use a man
like you. How's a million a year?

You disgust me! Get out of my face!

That's the first time
any of us have beaten Ted.

- How'd you know he was bluffing?
- When he lies, he blinks twice.

I noticed it when he did an interview
and said he'd be with Jane Fonda for ever.

I'm gonna turn in.

Me too. I gotta be at Disneyland. We're
ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.

You guys practically run this country.

There's gotta be a ton
of fun stuff we could do.

Oh, man, there's a toll booth.
Anybody got a quarter?

- What's a quarter?
- Well, we gotta give him something.

Man. Looking up at the sky
just makes you feel so small.

Yeah. I mean, if God created
all this, who created God?

- Maybe he created himself.
- Or herself.

- Ohh...
- Think about that.

Neat. This guy's deep. Where'd you find him?

He's my son-in-law.

- OK, honey. I gotta go. You want a ride?
- Sure.

- Wow.
- I actually had a good time with you tonight.

And I just want to say...
I'm glad you married my daughter.

- Thank you, Jesus.
- Actually, it wasn't me, it was...

No, no, it's OK. I'm used to it.

- Having fun, Peter?
- I put all my poker winnings on your dog.

Dog?

Nothing to worry about.
Sea Breeze is a sure thing.

- Sea Breeze?
- Dad, where are the jockeys?

They're all in the laundry.
I'm going Indian today.

- Oh, come on, Sea Breeze!
- Sea Breeze! Yeah!

- Come on! Go! Go!
- Come on!

What's Brian doing?

- Oh, my God.
- He's violating Sea Breeze.

No, he's awkwardly positioning himself...
Now he's violating Sea Breeze.

Again, I want to tell you how sorry I am
about this. I don't know what came over me.

You had better not have ruined my race dog.

I am very disappointed in you!

I'd turn my back, but I've seen
what you do in that situation.

Now, Carter and I have
a polio match to attend.

Get away from me! You and that filthy
mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor?

She's fine. Sea Breeze
will be able to race again.

But, unfortunately, not for
another nine weeks. She's pregnant.

I just want you to know I am
going to do the right thing here.

You're never going to see Sea Breeze again!

- Pack your things and get out!
- I am never speaking to you again.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

I am gonna go back in time and stop
Brian from getting it on with your dog.

Everybody stand back.

Aah!

Oh... Oh... Oh, boy... Oh... Oh...
Oh, God. Agh. Agh.

Mr Pewterschmidt,
please can we still be pals?

See. I made a picture of you and me
out of glue and macaroni.

That means a lot to me because you made it.

- Really?
- No! Get out!

- Mr Pewterschmidt, Sea Breeze is gone!
- What?

I can't find Brian.

Peter, do you know what I'm going to do
to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze?

I think I have an idea.

This is the room. The light switch
is here. It's mostly for show.

There's your Murphy Bed. Don't mind
the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.

We're going to see Bobby Darin
at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?

Bobby Darin, tomorrow.

This is the bathroom.
Watch out, we got some bad roaches.

- You're on our turf, man.
- Man, I'll cut you.

I'll cut you up so bad
you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.

- Those are bad roaches.
- I blame the schools.

- Were you followed?
- Don't worry. I've got a decoy.

Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba.
Whoa, Lois, you put on a few, huh?

Well, I never!

That's all right, I don't think he was the one.
Let's go get sundaes.

We all really miss you.
And Peter talks about you all the time.

- Oh, really? Anything nice?
- No.

Oh, so he's still mad, huh?

I should go. Take this. It's probably
not a good idea for us to meet any more.

Daddy swore he'd track you down
any way he could.

- Bingo!
- I told you she'd lead us to him.

- Let's call Pewterschmidt.
- Let's take the jet packs.

Cool!

Man, the people look like ants from up here.

They are ants, Michael. They are ants.

This is Tricia Takanawa live
where police have discovered

the whereabouts of Sea Breeze,
the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune.

The dognapper has been traced
to this sleazy motel.

Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker
is already on the scene.

Who's that, baby?

Hello, this is Tom Tucker's
evil twin Todd Tucker

out to destroy his brother's reputation.

Ha-ha-ha.

I'm going inside to have freaky sex with my
prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes.

Back to this breaking news.

Brian, please eat something.

My face is on the news. Your father won't
let me see the dog carrying my puppies.

And he's going to incredible lengths
to ignore me.

Brian, don't let him get to you.
Peter, come out of that thing!

He can't hear you. Besides, it's not him
that's getting to me, it's your father.

I'm sorry. I talked to him, but he
wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn.

I don't know how my mother puts up with it.
He did promise to take care of the puppies.

They're not his to take care of. They're
my kids, and I'm gonna get 'em back.

My father wasn't there for me,
but I'll be there for my kids!

I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!

Please stop this. Brian has every right
to see his puppies when they're born.

Sorry, pumpkin.

I had no idea you could be so cruel.
I'll never forgive you for this!

- You're just having your period.
- This court will now come to order.

- Brian, do you like children?
- I love children. That's why I'm here.

I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.

Do you remember an incident at a South
Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996?

Yeah, I guess.

Waa! Waa! You like that, huh?!
You like that?! Waa!

You just tune this out, don't you?!
Waa! Well, tune this out! Waa!

- Aah...
- Waa!

- Aah...
- Waa!

- Aah...
- Shut up!

I was angry because my Moon Over
My Hammy was overcooked and...

I also have your rental records
from the Quahog Video Store.

- Can you read the last two titles?
- Son In Law and Bio-Dome.

- And who's the star of those films?
- Pauly Shore.

Pauly Shore!

He's terrible.

I rented those for Peter. He got banned
from the store for taping over movies.

Rosebud.

It's his sled. It was his sled
from when he was a kid.

There, I just saved you
two long boobless hours.

How convenient. Blame it on someone else.

Is that the man we want
raising these puppies?

Peter? Oh, you've gotta
believe me, Your Honour.

Peter, I'm putting together
another card game. You in?

- You... you want me to play?
- Absolutely.

But first I want you to testify
against that horny mutt of yours.

Oh, I don't know if I can do that.

That's too bad, because Bill and Michael
want to see you again.

Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong.

Oh, man, and his arms
stretch out to next week!

Your Honour, Peter Griffin
would like to take the stand.

Mr Griffin, which of the following two
phrases best describes Brian Griffin?

Problem drinker,
or African-American haberdasher?

- I guess problem drinker, but that's...
- Thank you.

Sexual deviant, or magic picture that if you
stare at it long enough, you see something?

- Sexual deviant, but that one's not...
- Thank you.

Now, isn't it true that you told my client
that Brian is a menace to society

and should never be allowed
to see his children?

Um... Uh...

Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!

- Peter, think about what you're doing.
- I am. Your Honour, Brian'll be a great dad.

If I was half the parent he is,
I'd know Chris's favourite ice cream is...

- Chocolate-chip.
- Stewie's favourite bedtime story is...

- Goodnight, Moon.
- Meg's real father's name is...

Stan Thompson.

I've heard enough. I do believe
that Brian would be a successful parent.

If he was to repeat his actions, he would
be setting a bad example for his puppies.

Therefore, I grant Brian custody
with the condition that he be neutered first.

Yeah! You did it, buddy! Oh, congratulations!

Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean?

You're almost there, Sea Breeze.
Oh, and also, I didn't bring this up before,

but promise me you won't eat any of them.

This is like a Greek tragedy where a man
chooses between himself and his children.

Of course, you'll be playing
the role of "Sans Testiclese".

We're ready for you down the hall.

Sure you want to go through with this?
You could have puppies with another dog.

And maybe with a condor!
Yeah, then you'd have flying puppies.

Would you like that, Brian?
Huh? Flying puppies?

No. Those puppies in there are mine.

And I'll give anything
to be with them. Anything.

I am not looking forward to what you're
gonna be like once they do this to you.

Mmm. I love chocolate.

But I can't eat it because then I'll get fat.

But it's so good!

- Are you ready, Brian?
- I guess so.

Stop! Brian, come quick!

- Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies!
- Then whose are they?

You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!

You must be so relieved.

Actually, I... I was kind of
looking forward to being a dad.

Don't worry. There'll be other chances.

Hey, you know what's funny?
I always thought that dogs... laid eggs.

And I learned something today.

Visiontext Subtitles: Yasmin Rammohan

ENGLISH SDH