Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 7 - The Stewaway - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

This is the shirt you chose?

Denim, with all the
Warner Brothers characters



peeking out of the pocket?

Yeah, it's the fanciest shirt
I have.

But Warner Brothers wouldn't
license their actual characters.

Eh, how are you, Doctor?

Oh, my God,
will you look at this?

Bonnie's latest post has
43 likes.

That's tied for the record.

That's good, but it should say,
"Pretty good view from here."

No, no, no, it's because
she's at the pier.

So... I love that.

- (phone chimes)
- LOIS: Damn it, Peter,

now she's got
the Spooner Street record.

PETER: Hang on, I'm texting
Quagmire and Cleveland.

They gotta see this.



(phone chimes)

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, kids, I'm Mr. Andy,
and I just invented

this really crazy game.

One person hides
in a top secret spot,

and the others count to ten,
then try and find him.

We'll call it, oh, I don't know,
"hide-and-seek"?

I say, one game covering
covert activity,

surveillance and counting?

I would follow this man into
the very bowels of hell.

All right, who wants
to hide first?

Oh, me, me.

Looks like we have
our first little hider.

I'm so glad they didn't fire you
for giving us baths.

Okay, it's time to bid on our
final donated item of the night:

a romantic Vermont
weekend getaway.

(gasp)
Peter, we have to win.

Vermont is an Instagram
goldmine.

I could shatter Bonnie's record.

Lois, we can't afford...

I'll take you to Ben & Jerry's.

I have $600 taped to my stomach.

$600!

Sold.
There were no other bids.

You could have had it for $40.

(stammering)

That concludes this scene,
ladies and gentlemen.

(slide whistle)

Chris, what... Oh, who cares?

We're in Vermont till Sunday.

Call if you have to
but, like, let's not call.

Can we only brush our teeth
for 60 seconds

instead of the full 90?

You brush your teeth? Nerd.

And remember, kids,
if you get nervous,

you can always turn on
the home security system.

That's right.
The keypad code is 6969.

If your mother doesn't want
to do it,

at least she can type it.

You're a legend, Dad.

Hey, Brian, can you find me?

What the...
Is that a talking blanket?

It's me.
It's crazy, right?

It's this brand-new game
called hide-and-seek.

Basically a peekaboo
on Flintstones Vitamins.

-Let's play
-Fine.

But like all adults,
on my turns,

I'll only hide in beds
so I can take little naps.

I'll start counting.
Go upstairs.

Whoa, I never even thought about
hiding upstairs.

This is a game changer,
like Twitch.

YOUTUBER: Normal voice.
Playing Mine craft, quiet-normal.

Loudest scream possible!

Kinda quiet, normal-quiet,
Mine craft.

Scorching-hot audio levels!

Oh, my God.

Pretty cool spot, eh, Bri?

Do all kids know
what a good spot

a closed-door refrigerator is?

No. Don't ever hide in there.
Could you even breathe?

No. It's a good thing
you were looking for me.

Stewie, no. Very bad.

What the hell was that?

A spanking.
That was me spanking you.

That's it? Brian,
you either gotta be that guy

or-or not be that guy.

I-I don't...
I don't know what that was.

Oh, God, she did it again.

- Who?
- Bonnie.

Every time I do a post,
she does one right after.

- So what?
- So what?

It undercuts my post's
popularity.

Like Armageddon and Deep Impact.

Oh, yeah, that was weird.

Can you imagine you just
wrapped principle shooting

on Volcano, and you're
very proud of it,

and then bam,
here comes Dante's Peak?

One more and I'll get it.

You've just finished
a comprehensive retelling

of early '70s middle-distance
running in Oregon

with Prefontaine,

and then boom,
your Leto gets Crudup'ed

by Without Limits.

Sorry, I was tracking
two ladies holding hands,

and they just kissed goodbye,
so I've been elsewhere.

Wha-What were you saying?
Y-You like movies or something?

Ah, look at this.

A glassblowing class.

That kind of crap is perfect
for Instagram.

(phone chimes)

Oh, I'm so beat.

Me and Rupert played H&S...

Quicker way to say
hide-and-seek...

All night,
until like 8:00 p.m.

I'm not even joking.
Wanna play?

Not now. I'm trying to get
this TED Talk onto the TV.

I can see the PornHub logo
reflecting on your

big, wet dog eyes, you scumbag.

Honestly, Stewie, I'm getting
pretty bored of hide-and-seek.

Oh, please, Brian,
just one game. Please?

(sighs)
Okay.

But no more hiding
in the fridge,

in the washing machine,
the open safe

with the long-forgotten
combination.

Oh, no, I'm way better now.

I might be the best player
in the world.

Okay, I'm gonna go hide.
Count to 20.

I'll probably count to, like,
six or seven minutes.

Oh, baby, that's the spot.

♪ ♪

Oh, Amelie, Noelle,

I have a 48-hour layover
in Paris,

and I'd love to include you
in my horny plans.

BOTH:
Oui, oui.

Yeah, on me.
That's what I was hoping for.

Oh, this is gonna be
a great weekend.

That seems like
it's happening, right?

Your orgy? Yeah.

Can we just talk about
plane stuff?

Ah, I forget you young guys

don't like to talk about sex
at work.

Hey, take over for a sec.
I gotta make sure I packed

my pilot sunglasses that
diminish our entire profession

to a frat guy's
Halloween costume.

- Stewie?
- Mr. Quagmire?

Terrance.

All right, we're gonna
get you home, little guy.

(line ringing)

Peter, is Lois there?
Put me on speaker.

Hi, Glenn.
What's going on?

Well, I just flew to Paris,

and Stewie was somehow
in my suitcase.

He must have snuck in there.

Oh, my God!
Is he okay?

Yeah, he's eating one of those
weird French street ham things

that aren't good
but are also amazing.

Look, how soon can you
come get him?

I only have 48 hours in Paris

and a whole list of
horny activities to do.

Okay, let me just do the math.

In 48 hours we'd need to
get to an airport,

which we're hours from,
find a last-minute flight...

If there are any...

Fly ten hours,
then wait for Peter's

post-flight airport poop...

Peter don't poop on planes.

Or we leave him in the care
of a trusted adult

and one of our best friends
and enjoy the first trip

we've had together in years.

Lois, uh, shouldn't we go?

(sighs)
Okay, if you think that...

- (phone chimes)
- Ah! I got another like.

Peter, listen, Stewie is safe,

we're in the prettiest place
we'll ever be

and I'm on an Instagram
hot streak.

I can beat Bonnie's record.

Still, as parents,
I think that...

Oh, look, my mom's friend that
kind of looks like

the AT&T lady just commented
on my last post.

She says, "Your husband is
very handsome."

Quags, you got this, right?

- Captain Quagmire, the Quags...
- Stop! I can't believe this.

(sighs sharply)
Okay, I'll watch him.

But I'm not happy, Peter.

Oh, and now that you're
my babysitter,

I'd rather you call me
Mr. Griffin.

(phones chime)

Peter, did you just text me
the peach emoji

followed by
the water squirt emoji?

Yeah. You're the babysitter now.

And it's "Mr. Griffin."

ANNOUNCER (French accent):
This is the Paris Attractions Channel,

with a host who's
never been to Paris.

Oh, wow, what is that thing?

The Eiffel Tower is one of
Paris' top attractions.

It's like a hundred feet, huh?

Yeah, yeah. I wonder
if you could get up there.

If you do plan on visiting,
you want to get here early.

Is that right? Yeah, yeah,
that could be cool.

Hey, is that, like,
the king's house?

Oh! Can we go there? Please?

I don't know
what you're yammering about,

but the only place you're going
is this hotel and the airport.

Kind of thought
you'd be asleep by now.

I'm smart but not
"put myself to sleep" smart.

I'm just gonna put on some music
for a bit to calm down.

- What do you like?
- Goo-goo.

- The Dolls?
- Gaga.

The Lady?
(chuckles): Aha.

Now you're talking my language.

(dance music playing)

(chuckling)

Hey. Hey, you got moves, man.

Yeah, I mean, Ms. Christie
put me two from the middle

at dance class winter demo.

I know what I'm doing.

(music stops) - Hey, you
want to jump on the bed?

See how high you can get?

- Go ahead.
- Is...

A-Are we allowed?

Is this really happening?

Hey, that looks fun.

- (laughing)
- (rattling)

(pounding at door)

Me and this baby who is not mine

are in the room below
trying to sleep.

This is hotel,

not jungle gym
children's play structure.

- Very sorry.
- It won't happen again.

(laughing)

- What a loser.
- What a dork baby.

You know, I think
they were weirdly on our plane.

I weirdly think those guys
were on our airport shuttle.

You know, I envy you, Stewie.

I used to be innocent like you.

I've killed people.

Then I lost my virginity at six

to our strangely female plumber.

- Respect.
- I know you're just a baby, but...

I feel like
you really understand me.

I can understand you, dude.

(yawns)

Aw, it's late.
You must be tired.

♪ ♪

There you go, little buddy.

(sighing contentedly)

ANNOUNCER: We now
return to Toi, Moi et Dupree.

OWEN WILSON:
Le wow.

(indistinct chatter)

They say Mona Lisa's eyes
follow you wherever you go.

(phone buttons clicking)

Yeesh. Quagmire was right.

Somebody's in here!

(stall door closes)

(flatulence)

Oh, her expression is gas!

(birds chirping)

♪ ♪

Oh, this is it.

A good caption
and Bonnie's reign is over.

Hey, how 'bout we stand
on either side of the tree

and the caption is
"Tree Amigos"?

Or I'm holding a leaf and
it says "Leafing is so hard"?

Yeah, uh, you know, I feel like

someone said "Tree Amigos"
earlier

and-and we were...
We were all laughing.

Okay, step back.

Another step.

- (birds chirping)
- (wind blowing)

Big step back.

Peter, are you sure?

I'm a little close to the edge.

No, you're fine.
One more big, big step back.

You know what,
tiny step forward.

W...
(screams)

Whoa, that's not
usually how cliffs work.

You know, Stewie, this wasn't
the weekend I had planned,

but I'm having a lot of fun
with you.

Me, too. It's so fun,

I don't even mind
the too-loud French radio.

RADIO DJ:
Bonsoir, Paris. You're listening

to Double Vé-Cé-O-Qu, Le Coq.

Rude 102! Shut up!

We've got deux tickets
for Un Direction,

so give us a call
at cinq-cinq-cinq,

cinq-cinq-cinq-cinq.

And I hope the ladies have
an umbrella for this next one

or they'll be "Alouette."

FEMALE SINGER: ♪
Alouette, gentille alouette. ♪

(crickets chirping)

I love you, man.

I love you, too, man.

And, hey, you know, I-I know
my dad and everyone says

that your car I-looks...

Is like a woman's car,

but I-I like it.

And, hey, off-topic,
but you-you don't think

my car is-is like
a-a woman's car, right?

Yeah, no. No, no way, man.

Okay, good, good, good.

Yeah, 'cause Peter's
always saying stuff.

I-I mean, I love your dad,

but he's-he's just...
He's not very sensitive.

(brakes squeaking)

(beep)

(air hissing)

Oh, my God, it's Madeline!

She must have snuck out
of the nunnery.

She's kind of a bad girl.

I got to shoot my shot with her.

♪ ♪

(beep)

ANNOUNCER:
We are approaching

the end of the line.

Please grab all bags and babies.

Stewie, we got to get off.

Hey, Stewie,
stop messing around.

This is our stop.

Stewie!

Stewie! Where are you?!

Oh, please, you got to help me.

I'm looking for a little boy

with red overalls
and a yellow shirt.

You are looking to buy
or to rent?

What? No! God!
(stammers)

How is Paris considered
a classy city?

The buildings are beautiful.
The people are trash.

Stewie! Stewie!

Stewie!

Sir, have you seen a baby

with a football-shaped head
around here?

Yes, all babies have
a round, football-shaped head.

No, I mean the real football!

The one where you can't remember
how to put on pants

when you're 38.

Taxi!

Taxi rapid transfer
garbage strike.

It began a moment ago and
will end the moment you leave.

(panting)

(panting)

Stewie?

Are you here?

(shower curtain opens)

(rustling)

(groans)
I'm screwed.

I'm totally screwed.

(dialing)

Wait a minute.
I can't call Peter.

He'll kill me!

(inhales deeply, sighs)

(beep, line ringing)

(ringing)

Ha-ha. Got him.

Glenn Quagmire.

What... is... up?

I lost Stewie in Paris.

We got separated
and I can't find him.

I'm too ashamed to tell Peter.

What? Did you call the police?

On strike. Brian, you're
the last guy I want to call,

but you know Stewie better
than anyone.

Can you help me find him?

I'll fly you to Paris.

First class and no male
flight attendants in my area.

- Fine.
- I knew airlines could do that!

Also, I want a special
Kibbles 'n Bits meal.

- Fine...
- Only, Quagmire,

I want just the bits.

Come on! Who's gonna pick
the kibbles out?

I kind of don't want to have
to think about that, Glenn.

Lois, you had a big fall,
but you're gonna be fine.

We're getting you
to the hospital.

Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're here.

Me, too. Hey, you know,

you were saying some
crazy things when you were out.

- I was?
- Yeah, I mean,

you said you lost 1,100 bucks
on Bet Kings.

I checked the account.
You definitely lost it.

But in light of what happened,
I'm not mad at you.

I mean, UConn had
literally never lost to Rutgers

in lacrosse.
I mean, it was free money.

You're betting on lacrosse now?

You're not wrong!

There's no way UConn loses twice
in a row!

Plus, Syracuse's all-American
attacker, Tristan Wyndcroft,

broke his leg!

It'll be all Huskies all day!

Peter, no!

Just rest, babe!

I promise I'm not mad at you!

Where else could Stewie be?

Should we look in, like, a park?

"In, like, a park"?

I flew you out here
for this level of insight?

- I thought you knew him!
- I do know him, okay?

And I would have taken
a lot better care of him.

You lost him, Glenn!
How do you do that?

What, did you go to a-a sex...
place or something

and leave him tied up outside?

No! We went out to dinner
and drank some wine,

just like every responsible
adult and child in France.

But you're right.

I lost him.

And now he's gone
and it's all my fault.

I'm a loser.
(sniffles, sighs)

I'd do anything to get him back.

I really miss him.

- You do?
- Yeah.

We really bonded.

It was nice.

He's a special little guy, huh?

Yeah. He sure is.

We just got to find him.

And in a town called
"gay Paree,"

he could literally be anywhere.

(ominous music playing)

Where am I?

What am I going to do?

My guidebook said
Marcel Proust is buried there.

He'll know what to do.

- (owl hooting)
- (insects trilling)

(screams)

(panting)

- (meows)
- (screams)

(screams)

(screams)

Ugh. Can't even get through
his tomb quote.

(sighs)

I wish Brian were here
to pretend he gets it.

(crying)

The Père Lachaise Cemetery.

We were supposed to go
before we got separated!

Yeah, and while we're here,
I wouldn't mind taking a leak

on Gérard Depardieu's grave.

He's still alive.

Really?

How?

Stewie!

- Stewie!
- Hey, look!

- (crying)
- Stewie!

Brian? What...
what are you doing here?

- Quagmire called me...
- (crying)

And, um...

and he told me you guys
were playing hide-and-seek

but that you were
too good a player for him.

He... he did?

He did.
He said he needed my help,

because I'm a dog
and I can smell you.

You're too good
to be found any other way.

You know, this is
probably the best hiding place

I've ever seen.

But it's not...

It-it wasn't...

You really think so?

I know so.

Nobody would ever look here.

It's too scary.

It is pretty scary.

Am I the best hide-and-seek
player in the world?

Uh, yeah.

There's the best little
travel buddy in the world!

Whoa! I guess I'm really good
at lots of stuff!

I'd say we should get a room,
but we already have one.

Yep.

Totally.

I missed you,
you unrelenting douche bag.

♪ It seems today ♪

♪ That all you see ♪

♪ Is the violence in movies ♪

♪ And hon-hon-hon on TV ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family "gi." ♪

♪ ♪

I'm sorry
you broke your leg, Lois.

Oh, no, Peter,
I'm the one who's sorry.

I got so wrapped up trying to
beat Bonnie at stupid Instagram

that I ruined our whole weekend.

ANNOUNCER:
I don't believe it.

Tristan Wyndcroft is checking in
for Syracuse.

With a broken leg?!

I know. What was I thinking?

And the irony is
she still has the record.

I guess we should probably take
an Instagram break

for a bit, huh?

Probably.

Can I check something
on our bank account real quick?

Uh, Lois?

You may want to see this.

Ah! Break's over!

Eat that, Bonnie!

Oh, Peter, now that I have
more likes than Bonnie,

I realize that this was
the best weekend ever.

ANNOUNCER: Wyndcroft scores
with no time left!

Syracuse wins!

(inhales sharply)
Man, Lois,

you were saying some crazy stuff
about Bet Kings during surgery.