Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 7 - Peterschmidt Manor - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Sothis is sports.

Where's the hosiery?



Hi. I'm a 15-year-old
wild card, and...

Well, let's get you
a gun already!

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
you're finally doing

something positive
for your health.

What do you think about
this treadmill?

Yeah, this one's good.

Let me ask a salesperson
for help like a complete beta.

Excuse me, sir-- Oh, oh,
you're helping someone else.

I'll be with you in one second.

Yeah, no, no.
You're busy, I see.

Help him, then help her,
then whoever's after them.

I'll just wait here
and feel the running shirts.

Sir, do you need help?

I'm waiting for Josh.



- (loud rattle)
- What the hell?

Peter, what the hell is that?

It's my new pitching machine,
Lois.

And look, it can turn our car
into a silly tank!

Watch me nail Cleveland.
(grunts)

CLEVELAND:
I got one, too, bitch!

All right, Chris,
time for your old man

to teach you how to swing a bat.

But I've been playing
Little League since I was seven.

Oh, that's all right.

After all, this is
about father-son bonding

and not about hitting you
in the nuts

to get onAmerica's
Funniest Home Videos.

Wait, why are you pointing
the pitching machine

at my crotch? Ah! Hey!

Come on, Chris.
You and me up there atAFV

in boxy, six-button suits.

The kings of 1991,
just for one night.

ANNOUNCER: Or will it be
"Two Balls One Strike,"

submitted by Peter Griffin
of Quahog, Rhode Island?

And the winner is...

"Fainting Groom,"

sent in by Kevin
and Lisa Tarczynski

of Berkley, Michigan.

(all gasp)

"...but it turns out,
the real Dianetics was

the friends he made
along the way."

(sighs)

Uh-oh.

Stand back.

The pitching machine is
the only plumber we'll need.

(pipes rattling)

♪ ♪

(both scream)

(all screaming)

And... I'm waking up outside
again.

Got to sleep to grow, guys.

Got to sleep to grow.

Oh, thanks for letting us
stay here, Daddy.

We'll be out of your hair
as soon as the house dries out.

You know, Carter,
we don't mean to be a bother.

Why don't we just stay
at a hotel,

and you pay for the hotel

and it should be
the LEGOLAND hotel?

I'm not giving you money

for almost drowning
my daughter and grandchildren.

Besides, I have
to leave town for a couple days,

and I need someone I can trust
to look after the place.

Where's Babs?
Why can't she do it?

I don't know.
The ransom note didn't say.

Daddy, I didn't know
you were leaving town.

- Where are you going?
- Ah, just some funeral.

I'll be back
in a couple of days.

I left food out for the butlers,

just change their litter boxes
tomorrow if you think of it.

A funeral? Who died?

Just a... (stammers)
just an old family friend.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, a family friend?
Was it someone I knew?

All right, look,
I didn't want to say anything,

but it was Meredith,
your old nanny.

Meredith?
Oh, I loved that woman.

I was so sad when she quit.

Wow, Lois, you were lucky
to have a nanny.

My mom just left me with a radio

possessed by the former owner
of our home.

Can I have a snack?

RASPY VOICE: (on radio)
You're sitting where I died.

Why are you even going, Daddy?

People always want the richest
person they ever worked for

to attend their funeral.

They'll be, like,
"Oh, my God, a rich person!

I guess it's okay
he's talking on his phone."

Well, I can't miss
Meredith's funeral.

Yeah, I'd better go, too.

But I need you
to watch the house!

Oh, Peter and the kids are
more than capable

of watching the house.

Kids? They're staying?

- But they love funerals!
- Peter, enough.

Daddy, I'm coming with you.

(sighs) Fine.
Ass, gas, or grass?

- No one rides free.
- I guess... gas?

That's what all the prudes say.

Did you know
this house is so large

there's a 12-second echo?

What are you talking about?

The acoustics are such
that it takes the human voice

12 seconds to bounce back
as an echo.

That's ridiculous. Not even
the Grand Canyon has a--

STEWIE'S ECHO:
Did you know
this house is so large

there's a 12-second echo?

- Ridiculous, huh?
- Okay, I'm hearing it now.

- (echo continues)
- Well, next time,
maybe don't doubt me

when I tell you
the acoustics are such

that it takes 12 seconds
for the human voice to travel.

- (echo stops)
- I think we should hang
some blankets in the hallway.

- STEWIE'S ECHO: Ridiculous, huh?
- BRIAN'S ECHO: Okay,
I'm hearing it now.

- (echoing voices continues)
- Guys, I have a great idea.

(echoing flatulence)

That's weird.
That fart was from yesterday.

Great idea, Peter!

Listen, I was thinking,
what if we make some extra cash

by turning this place
into a hotel?

PETER's ECHO:
Great idea, Peter!

Awesome! We're all in!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go apologize

to the hotel towels for
what's about to happen to 'em.

Men, tonight you will have
one last night of peace.

I won't lie to you,

a hotel guest has no regard
for your life.

That means some of you
will not be coming back.

Those who do will never be
one color again.

Now, here are your assignments:

Anderson,
you're late-night vomit.

Russo, you'll be
in the ladies' room.

- Ooh!
- (whistles)

All right,
knock it off, at ease.

Edwards, you're gonna be folded
into a monkey

at the foot of the bed,
and then (bleep) on.

Look at Edwards,
he's into it!

- Ooh!
- At ease!

Well, it'll be nice to have
a little road trip together.

Yeah, we never had a lot of
daddy-daughter time

when I was young.
You were always so busy.

Not now, kitten.

Oh, look!

That's just like the pond
Meredith used to take me to.

(sighs)
I miss her so much.

Yeah, I could always talk to her
when I was having a hard time.

(crying)

Lois, what's wrong?

All the kids at school said
I'mMADtv funny

and notSNL funny.

Oh, Lois,
kids can be so mean.

Have you ever heard the story

- of "The Ugly Duckling?"
- No.

Well, there once was
a young duckling

who had a hard time fitting in,
just like you.

And one day, that duckling
went off to college

and created a website
to rate women.

Then he made $100 billion

and mined user data
to rig an election.

Wow! So am I also gonna be
a billionaire making websites?

No, but you'll use his site
to post pictures of wine

and passive-aggressively
body-shame other moms.

All right, for this
hotel operation to work,

we all got to pull our weight
around here.

Chris, you'll be the affable
but dim bellhop.

When you say, "Help those people
with their bags,"

I'll ask, "How high?"

Brian, you'll tend the bar

and dole out snappy tidbits
of advice.

All right!
Stop by Brian's Bar

for some drinks,
thinks and winks.

(chuckles) We can...
we-we can pitch on it.

Uh, Meg, you'll handle
all the dish washing,

floor scrubbing, laundry,
and anything else

that involves
breathing in chemicals.

And I'll be the concierge,
astutely learning

everything there is to know
about our guests.

That will be my one task.

Well, that and looking out
for Dunstons.

- What?
- Dunstons. They'll check in.

They'll check right in.

(vehicle approaching)

Ah, and here come
our guests now!

♪ ♪

STEWIE:
First to arrive is Tom Tucker,

here to celebrate
the anniversary of his divorce

with his annual bender.

Doctor Hartman
and his overbearing mother.

They never travel apart.

If he could just meet
the right woman,

he'd find the independence
he needs.

Ah, Principal Shepherd,
newly single.

Lost half the school
in the divorce.

The Librarian, never married.

Adult Disney woman.

First kiss was with a boy
at theater camp

who would one day get beaten up
by David Hyde Pierce

for being too fancy.

I say, Brian, do you know
what these guests need?

STEWIE'S ECHO:
First to arrive is Tom Tucker,

here to celebrate the
anniversary of his divorce...

Damn it, I guess
the blanket fell down.

Well, I've got 12 seconds.

What these guests need is
someone to arrange

a little romance in their lives.

And I'm the perfect man
for the job.

After all, I do all
of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking.

So, you're not interested in
having sex with Kevin Spacey?

Oh, good,
Kevin's going to love that.

Hey, you know anything
about podcasts?

I've been getting
into podcasts.

That's great! I love podcasts.

Which ones are you listening to?

I really like this one
calledCereal.

(loud chewing over radio)

SARAH KOENIG:
That was corn flakes.

Or was it?

The answer
at the bottom of the bowl

isn't always what you expect.

I'm Sarah Koenig,
and this...

- (loud chewing)
-...is Cereal.

(engine stops)

Dad! Dad!

I-I think I mixed up
Mayor West's bags

with Bruce and Jeffrey's!

BOTH:
Leather chaps.

Saddle. Bullwhip.

Rope. Sheriff's badges.

Saddlebags. Saddle soap.
Fancy boots.

- Yep, this is ours.
- Yep, this is mine.

All right, Brian,
I've devised a way

to get the Librarian
and Doctor Hartman together.

You see,
I've prepared a batch

of Martha Stewart's
chokiest scones.

So when the Librarian eats one,
she'll start choking,

and Doctor Hartman over there
will save her

with the Heimlich maneuver.

Here she comes!

(chuckling)
Oh, these are going to go

straight to my thighs.

Now if only I could find
a man to do the same.

(laughing)

Oh.

Ooh, these are a little...

(coughs)
These are a little dry.

(coughs, laughs)

(coughing, choking)

Okay, remain calm.

I've done this before.
Stop, drop and roll.

(choking, coughing)

N-No, wait. No, wait.
I know this.

Okay, remember
your medical training.

"If a patient chokes on food,
do the tummy-squeezy move."

Yep, that-that-that's it!

(grunting)

(gasps)

You-you saved my life!

Oh, how can I ever repay you?

♪ ♪

Money?

SHEPHERD:
May I have your attention,
please?

I believe you dropped this.

The blueberries are
still intact.

Shame to let something so sweet
go to waste.

Oh! Thank you, sir.

Uh-oh, Brian,
looks like we've got

a love triangle on our hands.

I'll treasure this forever.

(chuckles)
Well, don't wait too long.

It'll liquefy from the enzymes
in your saliva.

(both laugh)

Okay, last load.

Chris, will you help me
fold these sheets?

- Sure, sounds easy.
- They're fitted.

♪ ♪

(projector whirring)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right,
I got to find a bathroom

because that's mostly
what life is after 60.

- (quiet chatter)
- (scattered crying)

Oh. Excuse me.

Oh, no, it's my fault, really.

I have a brain thing where
I go blind every 45 seconds.

Hi, I'm Jacqueline.
I'm Meredith's sister.

Really?
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm Lois.
I-I'm so sorry for your loss.

Meredith was my nanny
a long time ago.

Oh, is that right?

Oh, that-- well, that's so
nice of you to make the trip.

You see, Meredith--
Dark, darkness,

darkness,
just ride it out.

And... we're back!

Meredith loved her time
as a nanny.

It's a shame she had to
give it up after the affair.

Affair?

I know.
We try not to talk about it.

Some rich guy
in Rhode Island. (scoffs)

They were seeing each other,
but then his wife found out

and forced him to fire her.

(gasps)

Sothat's what happened.

Tragic, isn't it?

She had nowhere to go,
so she came back here

to our childhood home
of ThreeStatesAway.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe the Earth
is round, so that's me.

Oh, excuse me,
the funeral director is here.

I'm trying to avoid paying him.

Daddy and Meredith had
an affair?

That's why she left me!

Oh, this is horrible.

- I have to call my husband.
- (phone beeps)

PETER:
Pewterschmidt Hotel,
don't tell Lois.

- Peter?!
- I'll transfer you.

- (hold music playing)
- (line rings)

CHRIS:
The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel,
don't tell Mom.

- Chris?!
- I'll transfer you.

- (hold music playing)
- (line rings)

- MEG: Pewterschmidt Hotel
laundry.
- Meg?

- Mom?
- Yeah, I'll transfer you.

Daddy, you had an affair
with Meredith?

How could you?

Lois, honey,
you don't understand.

The horn part in "Sussudio"

gave your mother a headache
that lasted five years.

What was I supposed to do?

Yeah, I don't want to hear it.

Do you have any idea
what that woman meant to me?

While you were off working
or golfing or God knows what,

she was at my piano recitals

or-or teaching me
how to tie my shoes.

She was the only person
in that house

who was really there for me,
and you took her away!

Well,
what was I supposed to tell you,

how many Viagras
and what position?

Six, and something I call
"The Old Pocketknife."

Evening.

I'm looking forward
to the doctor being in.

Oh. (laughs)

Hello, there.

Maybe I could see you
between periods.

Oh. (laughs)

Looks like you've got
your hands full.

(chuckling)
You're telling me.

I just don't know what to do.

Well, who do you think
I should choose?

Well, if it were me
in this situation,

I'd just go along for the ride
and see what happens.

That's it?
That's your advice?

Well, it's just what I...

You know, I'm trying to take
some agency in my life,

and you're over here telling me
to just "see what happens."

- That's not helpful.
- Threesome?

(gasps) Excuse me?

Uh, not with me!

With me?

Before we begin our service,

I'd like to remind everyone
that I became a priest

after my divorce, so yes,
I have had intercourse.

- To start things off...
- (whispering indistinctly)

- Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight?
- (whispering)

Oh, I misheard that completely.

I've just been told that a
special friend of our Meredith

has made a long trip
just to be here today.

I'd like to ask Lois Griffin
to say a few words.

(murmuring)

That's the daughter
of the richest man

the dead lady ever worked for.

Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.

I, uh, I-I just wanted to be
here today

to say goodbye to Meredith
and thank you.

Thank you for raising me,
and-and-and for being there

when no one else was.

That's why I was so hurt
when you left,

and I always held it
against you,

but now I realize
i-it wasn't your fault.

You know she can't hear you,
right?

But no matter what happened,
Meredith,

thank you for being my teacher.

Even today, you're teaching me

that the people you love most
of all can still betray you.

And now, a reading from Paul's
letter to the Corinthians.

"Dear Corinthians,
camp is good.

"Yesterday we had hot dogs.

"Please send strawberry
Big League Chew

but wrap it in a towel because
we're not allowed to have it."

- Amen.
- ALL: Amen.

(indistinct chatter)

(engine starts)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- (phone beeps)
- Hey, it's Pewterschmidt.

You still have that
all-night construction crew?

I need a favor.

Hey, you owe me.
I picked you up from LAX.

You have to do anything I ever
ask for the rest of time.

(string quartet playing)

(lively chatter)

Ah, there's our belle
of the ball.

And she's chosen a suitor!

Well, you two look happy.

- How'd you decide?
- Money.

But I do feel bad for leaving
Principal Shepherd all alone.

Oh, you leave that to me.

I may have one more clever
scheme hidden up my sleeve.

(both grunt)

♪ ♪

Oh, my. (laughs)

This may be one of
my ocular migraines talking,

but I see fireworks.

Can I ask, is that licorice
on your breath,

or is that just
my licorice breath

bouncing out of your mouth?

Why don't you get in here
and find out?

(moaning softly)

(brakes squeal)

Wha-- Oh, are we home?

Why aren't we going
up the driveway?

Come on. I have to show you
something first.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

♪ ♪

- Daddy, what is this?
- It's yours.

I had to call in a favor or two,
but it's all for you.

I figured you can come here to
sit whenever you miss Meredith.

Daddy, this is beautiful.

I'm sorry, Lois.

You were right,
people you love can betray you.

But if they're rich enough,
they can buy apology ponds.

Thank you, Daddy.

(phone chimes and buzzes)

Oh, no, Rafael,
the old gardener, died.

I have a story
I have to tell you

and, spoiler alert,
you'll be getting another pond.

Well, Dad, I guess
our hotel worked out,

and we actually made
a decent profit.

We sure did, son,
but we still got work to do.

Hi, everybody, I'm your
karaoke host, Peter Griffin.

I will be up here
far too many times tonight.

Just a quick reminder
to all of you

that even though
we haven't started yet,

there's already
an hour and 45-minute wait.

So go ahead and write
down the song you want to sing,

hand it to me,
and I will let

15 musical theater people
go before you.

Remember, no repeats.

We want to give everybody
a chance to sing,

although there will be the same
rotation of five people up here

over and over doing duets.

All right, who's ready
for me to kick things off

and then go third and sixth?