Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 16 - Prescription Heroine - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Oh, good. Kids, you're
just in time for breakfast.

No time, Mom. The girl I stalk



has field hockey practice
at 8:00.

I love a red-cheeked barbarian.

How about you, Meg?

Can't. I'm weirdly
the girl he's stalking.

God help me,
I love the attention.

Well, it's just you and me,
Stewie.

What should we do today?

I don't know, maybe forget
everything that just happened?

All right, there he is.

- Do you have his lunch ready?
- Lunch?

This big boy has his first
whole day of preschool today.

Oh, my God,
is it September already?

Wow. So I have
the whole day to myself.

Let's see. I...



I guess I've got nothing to do
except create an excuse

to touch the Target cashier lady
I want to run away with.

That'll be $6.11.

Oh, perfect.
I have a dime and a penny.

They're right here, in my hand,

for you to take.

♪ ♪

We could go to Montana.

I want to, but I can't.

Esperanza,
it's time to get back to work.

Lady! Wait!

♪ ♪

No!

Cinnamon-skinned Target lady!

No!

Target.
Due to lesbian fantasies,

we no longer accept change.

Well, I have the whole day.

I guess I can watch The Office
for so long

that Netflix has to ask
if I'm still alive.

Hey, Lois,
is everything okay?

Uh, our Netflix says your
Netflix is worried about you.

Is that the delivery guy?

Ooh, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him!

Oh, my God.
Oh, Brian, are you okay?!

Oh, crap. I-I can't remember

if doggy arms
are supposed to bend that way.

Okay, Bonnie might know
if doggy arms

- are supposed to bend that way.

Hang on. She's responding.

I can see the little dots
in the bubble.

Oh, no, wait, she stopped.

Oh, now she's typing again.

Take me...

Typing. Typing.

Typing.

...to a hospital.

Oh, Bonnie doesn't have a dog.

I spy with my handicapable eye

something for bulk trash day!

Yeah, you know what?
This thing's a piece of junk.

Worked one time.

Peter, you're throwing
this Ping-Pong table out?

Can I have it?

Sure, it's all yours.

Mattress? Mattress?

Anyone throwing away a mattress?

Eh, what size?

I don't know. Van size?

Whatever size that is.

Hello!

Broken arm, huh?

That's no fun.

Hey! Get out of here!

Uh, you didn't give him
the combination to the lock

on your garbage shed, did you?

- No.
- Good.

Anyhorse, that arm looks broken.

We'll have to get you
some painkillers.

I'm just gonna open this drawer

that doesn't have the mechanism

that stops it
from pulling all the way out.

Ah! Darn it.

Hey, I heard a crash in here.

I, uh... I'm gonna need
that shed password

to throw everything away,
though.

Four, two...

Isn't that the same raccoon?

No.
This one actually works here.

Guys, there's something
going on across the street.

Did that cocky jogger
finally get hit by a car?

Nope. I outran them.

♪ Cocky jogger. ♪

Mile 13!

- Dad, isn't that
our Ping-Pong table?

I don't know. Let me imagine it

with lots of paint cans
on top of it.

Hey, that's ours!

Wow, Cleveland,
looks like you got

the most popular place
on the block.

You really fixed this thing up.

Can I play winner?

Uh, yeah, there's a line, bub.

The line starts all the way back
in that burning barn.

Hey, no cuts!

Aw, poor Brian.

Have your pain meds
kicked in yet?

Ho, yeah.

How does it feel?

Ho, yeah.

Where are you going?

Ho, yeah.

Huh. I want to "ho, yeah."

Maybe just a half of a half,
huh?

♪ ♪

What? Wh-Where am I?

You're on my head, Lois.

Chris Daughtry?

That's right, Lois.

Would you like
to glide around on my head

like an air hockey puck?

Forever?

Just until I have to do
a smoke-inside concert

at an Indian casino.

Oh, that must be soon.

Every 45 minutes.

Oh!

Ah...

A thousand bucks a show
split six ways.

Hey, Peter's underwear.

You've been through a lot, huh?

I'm gonna fold you nice.

Ah.

Hello. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.

What Lois just did
isn't possible.

Or is it?

Let's spend an hour
of Fox's money to find out.

Well, it's 3:50.

That's basically 4:00.

I mean, in some cultures,

it's polite to do things
ten minutes early.

You know,
if it's good with water,

it'd be even better with wine,
huh?

Just like Jesus says.

B-B-Brian, Brian,
was that the last pill?

Yes. But that's fine,
'cause my arm's all better.

Oh, so now you're a doctor?

Of letters, from Hofstra, yes.

Yeah, well-well-well-well,
there's nothing I love more

than my dog Brian and
I'm not gonna take the chance

that he doesn't have
enough pills just in case.

Lois, I'm good. I don't want
to get hooked on those things.

Who wants to go
for a ride in the car?

- Hey! Dr. Griffin!
- Yeah, Hofstra!

Hofstra.
Pets need safety schools, too.

Okay. Time to play another round

of expiration date roulette
with this salami.

God, that's annoying.

No problem. I can turn on
that one radio station

that's just
religious Spanish shouting.

¡Jesucristo es el Señor

del mundo!

It's okay. I'm sure that noise
won't make me go insane.

♪ ♪

Peter?

How's your new novel
coming along?

♪ ♪

- Don't read that.

It's still very rough.

Okay, if anyone has drugs,

it's high school kids
under the bleachers.

Hey, daddy-os.

Anyone want to blast off
to Mars?

Uh, what?

Well, what I'm saying is,
I'm Lucy.

Where's the sky with diamonds?

Excuse me, ma'am, are you lost?

No, I want pills! Give me pills!

Aren't you kids
doing drugs under here?

No, we're picking up trash

and organizing
a Black Lives Matter rally.

Ugh! How could you be
so selfish?!

Hey, daddy-os...

They don't have drugs!

Later, alligators.

Oh, Ping-Pong, huh? That's cute.

Me, I like American games.

Okay, I'll bite.

No, I'm just saying
Ping-Pong's not bad,

but I'll tell you
what's better--

foosball.

Isn't it generally agreed
that foosball,

much like soccer,
originated in Western Europe?

Isn't it generally agreed
a sphincter says, "What?"

-No, it's not.
-What? Damn it!

Hey, y'all! Come and get
your A&W cream soda floats!

- Holy crap!

That's a huge frickin' brand!

Long spoon? Long spoon?

Long spoon
to keep your knuckles dry?

Okay. Thank you so much,
Cleveland,

for taking care of my Ping-Pong
table for the last few days.

I'll be taking it back now.

Now, Peter, just because
Cleveland had the vision

to see the potential in
your Ping-Pong table you didn't,

that doesn't mean you have
the right to take it back.

- Yeah? Says who?
- Says the landmark case

One Man's Trash
v. Another Man's Treasure.

Hard-shell tacos, y'all.

- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the brand
on those shells?

Old El Paso.

Oh, baby. Huge brand.

Damn it, there's got to be
one more pill in here somewhere.

I mean, maybe there's one
that got stuck

in a drawer or something.

Okay. Here, Stewie.

Time to get nice and clean
in your bath

while Mommy gets on her knees

and Tara Reids
around the bathroom.

Uh, there's no water in here.

All right, let's see.

Here it is.

How's the temperature, sweetie?

Of what? The air?

Okay, I just need some water.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, my God.

That's the last pill.

Oh, damn it, my hand's too big.

It won't fit.

Oh, Stewie, you know how you
missed your last swim lesson?

Yeah, we could do a little
makeup class, huh?

Wait, what's happening?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Well, you know how Teacher Amy
has you dive for rings?

Well, this is like that,
except it's a pill

and it's not okay
if you don't get it.

Aah! Damn you!

Come on, come on,
you just touched it!

What's all the yelling...?
Oh, my God, Lois,

- what are you doing?

First there wasn't enough water,
then there was too much.

I just wanted the pill.

Lois, you need help.

I'm sorry, but there's
only one thing to do.

I have one pill left.

It's in my crate
and you may have it.

Brian, I don't see it.

What are you doing?
Let me out of here, Brian.

Help! Somebody help me!

I'd stop, but my VO2 max rate
is 70.

I-Is that good?

"Is that good?"

♪ Cocky jogger. ♪

See you at the finish line.

Brian, unlock this cage.

I'm sorry,
I can't do that, Lois.

You're an addict,
and I'm the reason those pills

were in the house to begin with.

So I'm gonna get you
through this.

The most important thing
is you getting better.

Stewie? Stewie.

Help Mommy out
and just open the latch, huh?

Stewie. Stewie?

Stewie? Stewie?

Stewie? Stew?

Stew? Stew?

Stewie? Stewie?

Stewie? Sweetie?

Stewie? Stewie?

Stewie. Stewie.

Stewie?

Stew? Stewart?

Stew? Stewie?

Stewie? Stewie?

Stewie.

Stewie. Stewie.

- Stewie...
Noise canceling on.

Audible presents
Times We've Been Nude

by all three Hemsworths.

G'day, Liam.

I'm about to take
me trousers off.

Said Chris Hemsworth.

Liam Hemsworth replied...

Oh, Chris, you startled me.

I was in the process
of taking my trousers off.

I'm the third one,
and I'm trouserless, too.

Said the third one,
holding the trousers

that the other two
bought for him.

I have some coupons for these.

This coupon is expired.

Well, try another one.

All of these
coupons are expired.

Expired. Expired. Expired.

- But, but...
- Looks like someone

didn't study for groceries.

- No, I-I studied.

Also, you're naked
and you're falling

and you're falling
and you're falling

and your teeth
are coming out, too.

♪ ♪

Daddy, will you come
to my recital?

Can't you see I'm busy?
God, so needy.

She'll probably end up with
the first fat slob she meets.

Let's start a life together.
I have 42 VHS tapes.

They're movies taped off the TV,
so they all have commercials.

Lois, you stand
on trial for drug use

prompted by mom-related boredom.

This council has no hesitation
in pronouncing you...

- Guilty.
- Guilty.

Y-You're on mute, Jor-El.

Jor-El, y-you have
to unmute yourself.

- clicks)
- Dur, sorry.
Can you hear me now?

Yeah, yeah, o-okay, we got you.

Okay. Guilty.

I don't know this reference!

Is this from a Spider-Man?

What took you so long?

You dragged all that stuff
out to your lawn

just waiting for this moment?

Nah, I'm getting a jump
on the next big trash day.

So, what,
you're mad 'cause people

have been enjoying
my Ping-Pong table?

No, I'm mad they've been
enjoying my Ping-Pong table.

- Peter, you're acting
like a child.
- No, I'm not.

So let's solve this
like children.

A game of Ping-Pong
for the table.

Whoever wins keeps it.

You're on.

Oh, wait, if we want
to have a fair match,

we're gonna need a referee.

What took you so long?

It's my third time tonight

so it's taking longer.

Not you, Chris.

♪ I been in a cave ♪

♪ 40 days ♪

♪ Only a spark ♪

♪ To light my way ♪

♪ I want to give out ♪

♪ I want to give in ♪

♪ This is our crime ♪

♪ This is our sin ♪

♪ But I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ Through the pain ♪

♪ And through the grief ♪

♪ Through the lies,
through the storms ♪

♪ Through the cries ♪

♪ And through the wars ♪

♪ Oh, I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe. ♪

All right, Peter, game point.

♪ ♪

I gave Peter
the biggest softball tee

you could possibly
give to an opponent,

giving him the advantage.

The truth is,
after the first day,

Ping-Pong was the greatest thing
that had ever happened to me.

But by day five, I was so sick
of playing Ping-Pong

and having people at my house,
I was ready

to shove that bitch
into the Fargo wood chipper.

I'm sorry about the table,
Cleveland.

And I'm sorry
I've been such a jerk.

It's okay.

I can't believe
we let a silly table

come between our friendship.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a draw.

- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, well,
it was a waste of time.

So, who gets
the Ping-Pong table?

I guess it's no one's table now.

That's all I wanted.

My head.

Brian, you stayed by my side

- all night long?
- I did.

It's kind of what dogs do.

Paw.

Good dog, Brian. Very good dog.

♪ ♪

Alexa, play music
that sounds like I'm on drugs.

Playing the last
45 quavery seconds

of "Crimson and Clover."

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over. ♪