Family Guy (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Da Boom - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

That concludes our special
half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.

We leave you with a look back
at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's
millennium party. I am so psyched.



There's nothing like someone else's party.

You never have to clean up the mess.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Well, looks like someone's
going to a big party tonight.

You should pick up a chicken-strip party
pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.

Look, pal, I don't take coupons
from giant chickens. Not after last time.

Oh, yeah, and that nice chicken
outside gave me this coupon.

I'm sorry. This has expired.

You son of a...

- I'm gonna need these by Friday.
- Will that give us enough time to...?

Chicken... gave me a bad coupon.

- Some other time, pal.
- There won't be any other time.



The world is gonna end at midnight.

- Y2K.
- Are you sellin' chicken or sex jelly?

Haven't you heard? At midnight,
every computer in the world is gonna fail.

Planes will fall out of the sky and all
the world's nuclear weapons will explode,

- Annihilating the entire planet.
- No!

Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.

Damned long ears, tryin' to take Easter
away from Jesus. What were you sayin'?

Hey, Peter, in case you didn't know,

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the
international symbol for "party over here!"

Forget the party. The world's gonna end.
Y2K. I heard it from a chicken-man.

Oh, Peter, you are
the height of just-too-muchery.

Laugh, but when you die,
you'll have to go to heaven.

And you know what? I bet you run into those
two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court.

And you won't know which one is which.
And it'll be really awkward. So bite me.

- Can you help me with these damned studs?
- Aren't you a little overdressed?

Oh, actually,
I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.

There's a benefit gala
at the Boston Pops tonight, and...

well, I'm trying to nail the flautist.

Oh, Stewie, you're adorable.

Yes, yes, I rather like the sash.
But do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Peter, come on. You've had 1,000 years
to get ready for this party.

It always takes him so long to get dressed.

Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's
wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?

Oh, crap. Well, one of us
is gonna have to change.

Unzip me.

- Where's your father?
- He's still down in the basement.

Peter, you've been down there all day.
I hope they're already...

Oh, my God!
The government is here. Run, ET, run!

The end of the world is comin'.
Get in your radiation suits.

We are not missing a once-in-a-lifetime event
because of some wacko doomsday theory.

OK, OK. You know that one Christmas
present you really wanted, but didn't get?

- A phone?
- A dead Lois?

Yeah, well, it's in the basement.
Come on, let's go see.

What the hell...? Peter,
if you wanna stay here, that's fine.

But we're goin' to the party. Kids!

- Honey, are you pregnant?
- No.

Oh, dear me. Yes, yes, this is how
I wanted to enter the new millennium.

Locked in a basement with imbeciles,
dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

Thanks a lot. Right now I could be in Boston,
pretending I give a rat's ass about Vivaldi.

- And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.
- Now don't you give it all away up front.

Make him work for it.
And shame on you, Peter.

Scarin' the kids with
your nuclear-holocaust nonsense.

You said "nuclear". It's "nukular",
dumb idiot. The S is silent.

It's almost midnight.

We now go live to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa. Tricia, what can you tell us?

Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about
to descend and usher in a new millennium.

- Ten... nine... eight... seven...
- This is it.

- Six... five... four...
- Hold on tight.

...one... Happy New Year!

- A flautist, Peter.
- Well, I hope you're happy.

Come on, kids,
we can still make the party if we...

Nice work. Very festive.

Actually, each light represents
a missile launching by itself.

The pattern is just a coincidence.

Now that you mention it, the Y is
a bit misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

What the hell. Come here, Hillary.

What'd I miss?

Holy crap! Anybody else feel that?

Good morning, family. Hey, Lois,
remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?

Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy.

Oh, really?
Just like there was no apocalypse?

He shoots, he scores!

OK, we were wrong about
the end of the world and you were right.

- Can we please just drop it?
- It's just not fair.

I finally get a date with Kevin,
and he gets vaporised.

He's just using that as an excuse.

Let's just be grateful we survived the
apocalypse healthy and mutation-free.

- I said I can do it.
- Hey, shut up!

- Oh, hey, Clevemire.
- That's Quagland.

Quagland? Oh, you must be dreamin'.

Not about kickin' your fat ass.

Boys, please. You used to be so close.

Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby on
account of the fact that neither one of us

has had any food
since we got fused together.

Well, we just finished off
what was left in the kitchen.

When I think back on all the food
we've wasted in this house.

Eat, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch.

Come on. Hey, hey! None for you, Higgins.

Tryin' to steal Tom Selleck's food.

No. No. You've had yours.

Thank goodness Peter bought a huge supply
of dehydrated meals before the blast.

Peter, whaddaya doin'?
You just ate a year's worth of food.

What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.

Everyone leave. I have to poop.

Now!

Well, so much for finding food
at the Stop 'N Shop.

It figures. The one time I remember
my value-club card.

Wait a minute, I smell barbecue.

So, whaddaya think, Diane?
Can I cook or what?

Delicious, Tom. I guess
we should be eating her with chopsticks.

Oh, my God. They're eating
Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.

That's crazy. They're just
gonna be hungry again in an hour.

Come on, Woody.
We're gonna search for food.

- Sorry, Chris, the plant can't come.
- It's his best friend.

Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed.
I'll take care of Woody, son.

What was that?

- Nothing. Let's go.
- Go where?

If there's no food in Quahog,
why should there be food anywhere else?

Lois, everyone knows there are only two
things that can survive a nukular holocaust:

cockroaches and Twinkees.
And there's a Twinkee factory in Natick.

- Twinkees?
- Yeah, I saw a story about 'em on A&E.

And now, back to A&E's biography:
Twinkee the Kid.

It was difficult for Twink
to play with other children.

He was different. He was definitely...

He had no bones,
and he couldn't really play any sports.

- That's why we got him the lasso.
- Yeah.

He's spend hours in the back yard
playing Wonder Woman.

- He's gonna kill me.
- He loved that lasso.

He... Not as much as the baton.

But, uh... we put a stop to the baton.

He... he was different enough, you know.

We gotta get to that factory
and we'll have all the food we need.

Well, goodbye sweet home.
Maybe someday we'll return.

- Hey, Joe, can you keep an eye on the place?
- I might as well. I'm melted to the ground.

There you go.
These oughta keep the rats away.

Thanks. Stay in school.

Bring it on!

Look, Peter, people.

- Halt.
- Uh-oh.

I am Jorad. I and my band
of highway warriors control this territory.

- Do you have food?
- No, that's why we're on the road.

Then you may not pass
until you answer the following question:

Name something you'd take on a picnic.

- A blanket.
- Potato salad.

- A dead Lois?
- OK, we're gonna go with potato salad.

Show me potato salad.

Maybe we should go now.

- Aw, jeez. Outta gas!
- Hey, Dad, look.

Well, howdy, strangers.
You look plumb tuckered.

- Like to sit a spell?
- Actually, we are tired.

- And hungry.
- Well, we got plenty o' room here.

- And all the fresh apples you can eat.
- Oh, Peter, we found a new home.

- We're goin' to Natick.
- For what?

A Twinkee factory
that might not even exist any more?

She's right. Besides, this place is paradise.

- Sure is, except for Randy Newman.
- Randy Newman?

Yep. Just sits there all night and day,
singin' about what he sees.

Fat man with his kids and dog

Drove in through the morning fog

Hey, there, Rover

Come on over

Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

Red-headed lady

Reachin' for an apple

Gonna take a bite

Uh, no, no

She's gonna breathe on it first

Wipes it on her blouse

She takes a bite

Chews it once

Twice, three times

Four times

Stops

Saliva working

Takes a long, hard look at Randy

Five times

Fat, old husband walking over

Let's get the hell outta here.

They're walking down the road

Left foot, right foot

Left foot, right foot

Left...

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot

Please, Chris, Mommy's got
a very big headache. Stop it!

Thank you, sweetie.
Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food.

Oh, my God. Look!

It's Natick.

There's no factory?

Oh, very good, fat man.

We've followed the pied piper to the gates
of oblivion and look what it's brought us.

We're finished. We're done.

Game over, man. Game over.

- Dammit!
- Get outta that nuclear waste.

Who knows what animals have been in there?

It's about damn time.

Oh, words...

Should've sent a poet.

- There's enough food to last us for ever.
- We're saved. You were right.

We can settle down here and
build a house just like we had in Quahog.

Yeah, and we can build a mall
so I have a place to hang out.

And two Denny's, so we can say "Let's not
go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

We can dig Joe out of the driveway

and we can build a community
just like the one we had.

No, we'll build a better one.
I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog.

Well, this isn't very good, now, is it?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Guess who?
- Stop it, Chris.

Wrong!

Oh, wait. Did you say "Chris"?

Stewie, time for breakfast!

Did you wash your tentacles?
My big, handsome boy.

What the devil are you talking about?

I'm repugnant.
I'm a radio-bloody-active freak.

Yeah, I fold. Hey, come on.
Let's go home and get tender with your wife.

I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking
with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy.

All right.

Excuse me, Mr Mayor. We have an outsider
who wishes to join our community.

Welcome to my fair city.

If you wanna become a citizen,
you have to get a job.

- Before the disaster, I was a physician.
- That's terrific. We need a doctor.

We sure do. Let's hope you get it.

Now, pick a job out of the hat.

Ah, village idiot. That's a good one.

On Tuesdays you get to
wave your penis at traffic.

Congratulations.

Maybe we shoulda just let him be a doctor.

No. These are the rules of New Quahog.

That's how everyone else got their jobs.

Go!

You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me.

And things have worked out fine so far.

Peter, no offence, but that's
because we all pitched in.

- We've built schools and hospitals.
- Not to mention the theatre.

But when I saw the movie,

it looked like Audrey Hepburn
not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's,

she hadn't eaten anything in a year.

I'm such a bitch.

We have everything we need.
And no crime, no guns, no pollution.

Brian's right.
We've left ourselves defenceless.

- Guys, we need to make some guns.
- Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.

And when that trouble happens,
we'll blow its freaking head off.

Without guns, how would our forefathers
have settled their differences?

Eight, nine, ten.

And turn.

Honey, Mommy's making you
some new feetie pyjamas.

And look, it has a little trap door
for when you gotta make inky.

I'll show you inky.

- Let's see if they fit, hm?
- Never! Eugh.

Ha, ha, ha, look at me! I'm Fred Astaire.

- Aaah!
- Gotcha.

Oh, you are gettin' heavy.

I'll have your father flood the basement,
so you can get more exercise.

Yes, yes. I do seem
to have gained a bit of girth.

Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling.

There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg.

That wasn't so bad. I don't know what
these women are always complaining about.

Attention, New Quahogians.

Today, my vision for our future comes true.

A chicken in every pot and a cap in every ass.

Put that away. Where did you get
the metal for all those guns?

Recycling. I used the pipes
from our irrigation system.

Are you crazy?
You destroyed all our water pipes?

We don't need guns. We need food and water.

I have a canker sore on my lip,
and I keep pokin' at it with my tongue,

- But that's only makin' it worse.
- There's a reason I'm in charge here.

I'm the one who knew the world was
gonna end and found the Twinkee factory.

- And I gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez.
- That's nothing to be proud of.

Don't be stupid.
She speak good and everything.

- Let's get him outta here!
- Throw him out!

Wait! We can work this out!

I haven't been thrown outta any place
since I was a counsellor at the bulimia clinic.

Aw, man. Did anybody else throw up
after eatin' that fish last night?

- That's the last of 'em.
- Good riddance.

What the hell would we ever need guns for?

Victory is ours!

Quick, grab the guns! They're our only hope.

You remember the other day you were
asking me what the definition of irony was?

And I said...

Honey, I'm sorry I got us
kicked outta New Quahog.

I guess nobody really needs guns.
I'm not always right after all.

Oh, Peter, hearing you say that almost
makes it worth havin' the world blown up.

Where are we gonna go?

I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham.

All right! Fudgie the Whale, and Cookie Puss,

and Cookie O'Puss,
and Nutty the Chocolate Ghost.

Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song.

Oh. Uh... Left foot, right foot.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

- Bobby.
- Good morning.

Oh, Bobby, I just had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt I saw
the strangest episode of Family Guy,

and there was a giant chicken
and Stewie was an octopus.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, now.

It's all right. Everything's going to be OK.

What's Family Guy?

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