Family Guy (1998–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks - full transcript
Chris becomes the toast of the New York art scene, after Peter uses one his painting as the car's window.
Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.
In tonight's episode, the part of Brian
the dog will be played by Carter Banks.
- Here I am. Sorry, I...
- Camera two.
- Sorry, I overslept.
- Yes, well, do you want breakfast?
Or would you rather
chew on your own ass, as usual?
(clears throat) Well, I'm... I'm sure
you have something to say to that, hm?
Oh. Oh, God, sorry. Can you give me the line
again? Not the whole line, just the end of it.
Oh! Let's cut. All right,
you're sleeping with which producer?
God, as soon as my movie deal
kicks in, I am such a ghost!
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy!
(Lois) Peter, take off your blindfold.
We're almost there.
Not yet. I don't wanna
ruin my birthday surprise.
Then at least let me drive!
- You know it's illegal for women to drive.
- (cat squeals)
A woman driving! That's adorable.
Peter, I don't think...
Peter, please, I'm begging you, stop the car!
Oh, we're here. Thank God.
(crowd) Whoo!
Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf! The
grown-up in me likes the prospect of fun.
But the kid in me is suicidal
over what a fat bastard I'll become.
- Happy birthday!
- I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe!
- Who are you?
- The guy whose car you just slammed into!
Lois, you invited everyone!
Excuse me, excuse me. My friend is
differently-abled. May he go ahead of you?
Of course.
Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.
Well, hello! You must be
this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
- Careful, Joe.
- Kiss off! Yeah!
Your father! Sometimes I don't think he'll
be happy until he's completely paralysed.
Ooh! How deliciously evil-Iooking.
It's like something out of Stephen King.
OK, for my 307th book,
uh, this couple is attacked by a... a...
A lamp monster! Ooh! Ooooh!
You're not even trying any more, are you?
- (growls)
- When can I have it?
A lot.
A 10-gauge. I've never handled
one of these before.
Agh!
Ah! Yes!
This is my rifle, this is my gun
This is for fighting, this is for fun
Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more.
Let me give you a tip, pally.
The shortest distance between two points
is the full-body-English
high-arcing rainbow shot.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
you and your party to leave.
You've caused nothing but trouble.
Perhaps we should just continue the party
at some other type of location.
No, no, no, wait. I know this guy.
We went to high school together.
- We did?
- Yeah.
He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.
Oh, we used to kid this guy all the time.
Bob misses his mommy!
Bob misses his mommy!
So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant
tells us to. I demand to see the owner.
That's me. I'm Bob Funland.
Wha... You own this whole place?!
That's right. This place is my legacy. So
what have you done with your life, you jerk?
Uh... Uh...
I'm Neptune, god of the sea!
I sink ships and conjure up storms!
No, you're not. I am.
And you know nothing of my work.
Look at this, Lois. See, right here.
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Peter, that's not you. That's not even
a yearbook, it's a People Magazine.
Oh. I wondered why they had
the wrong picture and name.
Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday?
Look. It says
"Happy birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie."
Let me see that!
Did you forge my name?! Oh, is that
backward "S" supposed to be cute?
I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
Face it, Lois, I'm a nobody.
Why can't I be famous like Bob?
Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?
Then I got on Suddenly Susan,
and that was, like, really cool.
I still do stand-up, people laugh
and give me money, that's also cool.
Isn't this great, catching up? Anyway...
- She's still talking.
- I don't get it. I poured it in her drink.
...name was Steve Rock.
First black I ever did it with.
- Oh, boy.
- "Never go back." But I went everywhere.
Don't be depressed, Dad.
Here, I made you a present.
My God! It's... good. Really good.
It's partly an expression of my teenage angst,
but mostly it's a moo-cow.
It's lovely, Chris.
Go ahead, Peter, make a wish.
I'd sell my soul to be famous!
Hup. I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already
sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.
Oh, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?
Don't forget this.
Maybe you could hang it in your office.
Son, I'll put it someplace
where everyone can see it.
Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000
for what you have in the back there.
$1,000 for a bumper sticker?
No, no, no. I mean that painting.
I must have it for my gallery in SoHo.
- I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?
- I say...
I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got
5,000 bucks for that painting you made me!
But I painted that just for you.
Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it.
Now we all get a free trip to New York
cos Mr Monatti thinks
you could be a famous artist.
- Monatti? Antonio Monatti?
- You've heard of this man?
Oh, oh, oh! He's only
the biggest art dealer in New York!
I met him when I was hanging out
with Andy Warhol in the '70s.
Peter, we are not going to New York.
Lois, our son has been
blessed with a great gift,
and I'm gonna do everything I can
to nurture that talent and help him succeed.
Then I'll use him to live out
all my frustrated hopes and dreams,
because that's good parenting,
right, Bing Crosby?
Right, Peter.
And if your kids give you any lip,
you can beat 'em with
a sack of sweet Valencia oranges.
They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em
know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.
- But that doesn't sound right.
- Are you givin' me lip, boy?
I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down
on you. Is that what you want? Huh?
- Hey! Hey! What... Ow! Knock it off!
- Huh?
- Like that, huh?
- Get away from me, you dead crooner.
Hi, this is David Leisure. You probably
remember me as the neighbour
from TV's "Empty Nest".
No? Well, how about those car commercials
when I played Joe Isuzu?
The... the guy who lied?
Oh, come on! Those were really popular.
They ran all the time.
All right, look. Just buckle up.
Can I get my cheque now?
Oh, kids, look at that man over there, grabbin'
his own crotch. Oh! So alive, this city!
- Look! Central Park!
- There's the Empire State Building!
- There's a hot-dog cart!
- Chris, don't spoil your appetite.
New York has some of the best restaurants in
the world. They even have Indian food here.
Not the "ub-ub" kind, the "mm-mm" kind.
- Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.
- Just make sure
there's a Wall Street Journal
by the changing table.
And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!
Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.
My son's gonna be the best thing
to happen to New York
since Mayor Giuliani
had all the homeless secretly killed.
And all I gotta do is paint!
Hey, you guys have any bellhops
that are rats, like the Muppets?
Mom, can we go
see a Broadway play tonight?
Count me out. I'm never going
to the theatre with Peter again.
Remember when you were younger,
Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights
translating books for you.
Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest,
afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves.
What the hell is this?
For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!
Screw the theatre. Mr Monatti invited us to a
cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists.
It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God.
I hope that's not some kind of museum.
- Mapplethorpe? Not just photography?
- Oh, no. Early on he did caricatures.
Uh, OK, Tim.
Who's your favourite sports star?
- Uh, Reggie Jackson.
- OK.
I'll draw him pooping
on your chest. What number is he?
Welcome. Chris, there are a number
of artists here I'd like you to meet.
Hey, hey, hey. Let's talk turkey, Monatti.
We've been here all day,
and Chris isn't a famous artist yet.
Creating art takes
a lot of training and technique.
- All the great artists I knew took classes.
- Even Walt Disney?
Do I... do I have to?
You want to be a star, don't you?
Then take it off!
- (whimpers)
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's nice.
Art school? We don't have that kind of time.
Chris, give me your ear.
- Peter!
- Mr Griffin, please.
Please, I invited you so that Chris could
make an impression on the art community.
Why not do some sightseeing? If you leave
Chris in my hands, the name Griffin
- Will be as well-known as Kandinsky.
- Who?
- Rembrandt?
- Who?
- Da Vinci?
- Who?
- Bazooka Joe?
- There you go.
Ah, the United Nations!
Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
Isn't it inspiring how so many
different cultures can come together?
Yeah, and use up
all the towels in the men's room.
- Peter!
- Sorry.
(air whooshes)
- These things never get 'em completely dry.
- Where's Stewie?
Hm! Hidden missile silos
behind the Great Wall.
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Mr Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now?
Trust me, painting is the least important
thing about being a successful artist.
You need an image!
Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay
- And turn it into the toast of New York!
- Ha, ha, ha! I love toast!
- Cut it and tint it green, the colour of money.
- And boogers!
(Lois) I feel we've been walkin' in circles.
I don't know how you can find anything
in this city. It's so confusing.
Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton
becomes senator, she'll straighten it out.
Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill.
Ha, ha, ha!
I love when you use topical humour.
It's just like watching Murphy Brown.
Hey, Murphy. Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, John Sununu.
(canned laughter)
Murphy. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, Tipper Gore.
(canned laughter)
Hey, Murph. You can't blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah.
Blah, blah, blah,
Bishop Desmond Tutu. Blah, blah.
(canned laughter and applause)
Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now?
They'd rather wander through SoHo,
looking for an address that doesn't exist.
Ha, ha, ha! That's my dad!
Well, maybe tomorrow, we could all...
- Oh, there's Kate Moss.
- Where? I don't see her.
Agh! Are you the Matrix?
- Kate, this is my new discovery, Christobel.
- My name's Chris.
Not any more. Christobel
will look better in Interview magazine.
Nice to meet you. I love artists.
Whoops! A crack in the floor.
- Lois. Gimme a penny,
- You're not gonna throw it over the edge?
No. Yes.
I've just scheduled your first exhibit!
Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.
Yes. I know how important
your success is to your father.
That's why he'll understand
that you can never see him again.
Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very...
Whaaaat?
Christobel, the art world
is a place of culture and breeding.
Your father is, uh...
How can I say this without upsetting you?
- (high-pitched voice) Your dad is a pig!
- Ah! Ha, ha, ha!
So, you see, it's up to you, son. If you don't
wanna disappoint your father, keep him away.
There's my boy! Hey, come on, Chris.
Let's go to Barneys and fart in the suits.
All right, Dad! I... Oh.
- I mean, uh... I can't see you any more.
- What are you talkin' about? You're my son.
Mr Griffin, he's going to be a great artist.
He now belongs to the public.
And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss.
Oh, and, um, don't say anything bad
about her, cos she might be here right now.
Wait a minute! You can't...
you can't just push me aside.
I made you! And I can destroy you!
- (bleep)
- Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby.
Oh, Bobby Williams,
I'd love to go out with you.
I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used
his painting to patch that window,
- He'd still be in that dump in Quahog.
- That "dump" is our home.
"Dump"? Oh, so now
you're too good for us, too?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity for Chris, not you.
- Are you so selfish you can't see that?
- Yes, I am.
Peter, your son is using
his talents to pursue his dream.
I have no son. Except for Stewie.
- And Meg!
- Aah!
I had a dream
It's all about you
Meg Griffin
Not much you can do
Meg Griffin
You can't dance, you can't sing
No, you pretty much can't do a thing
Never fear, Daddy's here
Honey, you're gonna
make our name famous
You'll be larger than life
I'll be proud you fell out of my wife
You'll be known far and wide
Like that princess who died
I'm gonna make you famous
Wait and see
Honey, I'm gonna do this for you
But it's really for meee...
...eeee!
Fine. If Chris doesn't need me,
I don't need him.
You'll love being famous, Meg,
and this is the town to do it in.
I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?
Everybody's good at somethin'. It's just a
matter of findin' the special hidden talent.
But promise me, when you make it big,
you'll let me take advantage of all the...
I can't think of anything.
I guess I don't have any talent.
Come on, think harder!
There's gotta be somethin' you can do.
(whistles bird call)
- That's amazing!
- Oh, thanks.
I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.
- Nothing happened.
- No, the bird came when Meg whistled.
Oh. No, those are just my bird calls.
Do it again! Do it again!
Yeah? Well, what d'you want?
- Uh...
- You called me, right?
Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.
(giggles)
Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah?
You know what a pain in the ass it is
to get across town, this time of day? Huh?
Listen, uh, mister,
we don't want any trouble here.
I don't fly, you know.
I take the subway like everybody else.
Oh, and people don't stare.
You make me puke. Bitch.
Mr Monatti, I don't feel like painting.
I wanna see my dad.
Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000
turning you into a New York bohemian.
All you have to do is paint. Now get busy!
I have to go oil up and start squeezing
into my leather pants. Excuse me.
Oh, jeez. Kate, what should I do?
I don't know. You're the flavour of the month.
Oops! Window open.
(Meg caws)
- I'm goin' over there. I'm gonna...
- No, no.
- I'm gonna go over there and punch her.
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is humiliating!
It's show business, baby.
You gotta start somewhere.
No, I don't. I quit.
Now, wait just a minute, young lady.
Don't you walk away from me.
Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'!
Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus.
Don't... don't you go to LaGuardia!
Meg? Meg, listen to me.
Don't you dare get on that plane.
Don't shell out five bucks for headphones
for Magnolia. OK. Now, I'm pissed.
- Well, thank God that's over.
- Yeah.
- Wanna go crap on the Statue of Liberty?
- I've lived my life here and never been there.
- I've never been to the Empire State Building.
- Boy, we're a pair.
- Aren't we?
- Unbelievable. Let's go.
- Chris!
- Hey! You guys made it!
Of course! We wouldn't miss your big day.
Wait a second. I don't see any strippers
passing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!
- Is Dad mad at me?
- Oh, he just doesn't understand.
I know artists have to make sacrifices, and...
Oh, my God! Are you Kate Moss?
Oh, for someone with no breasts, you've
done very well for yourself. Good for you!
(disco)
1541.
Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel.
1886. Seurat completes La Grand-Jatte.
1940. Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers
that look suspiciously like vaginas.
But in the new millennium,
there is only Christobel!
- (applause)
- (fanfare)
- Hey, that's not art. Amateur!
- How jejune!
Hey, that's my dad. Except for that one.
That's my dad if he were a cat.
He's the whole reason I'm here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologise for these eyesores.
I guess I was wrong about you.
You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk.
Now hold on a second. You can talk
to my daughter that way, but not my son.
- Now, apologise.
- The hell I will.
You owe me for all that money
I invested in your worthless son.
All right. Well, here's
a little something in return.
Work of art? Or container
of crazy purple knockout gas?
Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be
a famous artist you can mooch off of.
And I'm sorry I have no talent.
Ah, that's OK, kids. So I don't have
my name on an amusement park,
and maybe I'll never be famous.
But I got three wonderful children,
and a wife that loves me.
That's right. I guess when it comes
right down to it, you're a pretty lucky...
- (vomits)
- Oh, my sentiments exactly.
Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.
Hey, watch where you're goin'.
This child is beautiful. I must have him.
You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful,
or beautiful beautiful?
Peter, this is heterosexual
fashion designer Calvin Klein.
I've been looking everywhere for
a face to launch my new line of diapers.
And I think I've found it.
Well, Bob Funland may have his name
on the sign, but only a Griffin has this.
- (camera whirs)
- Ooh! Yeah!
Workin' it, make me want it. Yeah!
Mm, baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby.
I'm going to sex you up so crazy, yeah!
Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
In tonight's episode, the part of Brian
the dog will be played by Carter Banks.
- Here I am. Sorry, I...
- Camera two.
- Sorry, I overslept.
- Yes, well, do you want breakfast?
Or would you rather
chew on your own ass, as usual?
(clears throat) Well, I'm... I'm sure
you have something to say to that, hm?
Oh. Oh, God, sorry. Can you give me the line
again? Not the whole line, just the end of it.
Oh! Let's cut. All right,
you're sleeping with which producer?
God, as soon as my movie deal
kicks in, I am such a ghost!
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy!
(Lois) Peter, take off your blindfold.
We're almost there.
Not yet. I don't wanna
ruin my birthday surprise.
Then at least let me drive!
- You know it's illegal for women to drive.
- (cat squeals)
A woman driving! That's adorable.
Peter, I don't think...
Peter, please, I'm begging you, stop the car!
Oh, we're here. Thank God.
(crowd) Whoo!
Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf! The
grown-up in me likes the prospect of fun.
But the kid in me is suicidal
over what a fat bastard I'll become.
- Happy birthday!
- I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe!
- Who are you?
- The guy whose car you just slammed into!
Lois, you invited everyone!
Excuse me, excuse me. My friend is
differently-abled. May he go ahead of you?
Of course.
Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.
Well, hello! You must be
this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
- Careful, Joe.
- Kiss off! Yeah!
Your father! Sometimes I don't think he'll
be happy until he's completely paralysed.
Ooh! How deliciously evil-Iooking.
It's like something out of Stephen King.
OK, for my 307th book,
uh, this couple is attacked by a... a...
A lamp monster! Ooh! Ooooh!
You're not even trying any more, are you?
- (growls)
- When can I have it?
A lot.
A 10-gauge. I've never handled
one of these before.
Agh!
Ah! Yes!
This is my rifle, this is my gun
This is for fighting, this is for fun
Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more.
Let me give you a tip, pally.
The shortest distance between two points
is the full-body-English
high-arcing rainbow shot.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
you and your party to leave.
You've caused nothing but trouble.
Perhaps we should just continue the party
at some other type of location.
No, no, no, wait. I know this guy.
We went to high school together.
- We did?
- Yeah.
He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.
Oh, we used to kid this guy all the time.
Bob misses his mommy!
Bob misses his mommy!
So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant
tells us to. I demand to see the owner.
That's me. I'm Bob Funland.
Wha... You own this whole place?!
That's right. This place is my legacy. So
what have you done with your life, you jerk?
Uh... Uh...
I'm Neptune, god of the sea!
I sink ships and conjure up storms!
No, you're not. I am.
And you know nothing of my work.
Look at this, Lois. See, right here.
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Peter, that's not you. That's not even
a yearbook, it's a People Magazine.
Oh. I wondered why they had
the wrong picture and name.
Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday?
Look. It says
"Happy birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie."
Let me see that!
Did you forge my name?! Oh, is that
backward "S" supposed to be cute?
I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
Face it, Lois, I'm a nobody.
Why can't I be famous like Bob?
Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?
Then I got on Suddenly Susan,
and that was, like, really cool.
I still do stand-up, people laugh
and give me money, that's also cool.
Isn't this great, catching up? Anyway...
- She's still talking.
- I don't get it. I poured it in her drink.
...name was Steve Rock.
First black I ever did it with.
- Oh, boy.
- "Never go back." But I went everywhere.
Don't be depressed, Dad.
Here, I made you a present.
My God! It's... good. Really good.
It's partly an expression of my teenage angst,
but mostly it's a moo-cow.
It's lovely, Chris.
Go ahead, Peter, make a wish.
I'd sell my soul to be famous!
Hup. I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already
sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.
Oh, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?
Don't forget this.
Maybe you could hang it in your office.
Son, I'll put it someplace
where everyone can see it.
Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000
for what you have in the back there.
$1,000 for a bumper sticker?
No, no, no. I mean that painting.
I must have it for my gallery in SoHo.
- I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?
- I say...
I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got
5,000 bucks for that painting you made me!
But I painted that just for you.
Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it.
Now we all get a free trip to New York
cos Mr Monatti thinks
you could be a famous artist.
- Monatti? Antonio Monatti?
- You've heard of this man?
Oh, oh, oh! He's only
the biggest art dealer in New York!
I met him when I was hanging out
with Andy Warhol in the '70s.
Peter, we are not going to New York.
Lois, our son has been
blessed with a great gift,
and I'm gonna do everything I can
to nurture that talent and help him succeed.
Then I'll use him to live out
all my frustrated hopes and dreams,
because that's good parenting,
right, Bing Crosby?
Right, Peter.
And if your kids give you any lip,
you can beat 'em with
a sack of sweet Valencia oranges.
They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em
know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.
- But that doesn't sound right.
- Are you givin' me lip, boy?
I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down
on you. Is that what you want? Huh?
- Hey! Hey! What... Ow! Knock it off!
- Huh?
- Like that, huh?
- Get away from me, you dead crooner.
Hi, this is David Leisure. You probably
remember me as the neighbour
from TV's "Empty Nest".
No? Well, how about those car commercials
when I played Joe Isuzu?
The... the guy who lied?
Oh, come on! Those were really popular.
They ran all the time.
All right, look. Just buckle up.
Can I get my cheque now?
Oh, kids, look at that man over there, grabbin'
his own crotch. Oh! So alive, this city!
- Look! Central Park!
- There's the Empire State Building!
- There's a hot-dog cart!
- Chris, don't spoil your appetite.
New York has some of the best restaurants in
the world. They even have Indian food here.
Not the "ub-ub" kind, the "mm-mm" kind.
- Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.
- Just make sure
there's a Wall Street Journal
by the changing table.
And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!
Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.
My son's gonna be the best thing
to happen to New York
since Mayor Giuliani
had all the homeless secretly killed.
And all I gotta do is paint!
Hey, you guys have any bellhops
that are rats, like the Muppets?
Mom, can we go
see a Broadway play tonight?
Count me out. I'm never going
to the theatre with Peter again.
Remember when you were younger,
Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights
translating books for you.
Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest,
afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves.
What the hell is this?
For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!
Screw the theatre. Mr Monatti invited us to a
cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists.
It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God.
I hope that's not some kind of museum.
- Mapplethorpe? Not just photography?
- Oh, no. Early on he did caricatures.
Uh, OK, Tim.
Who's your favourite sports star?
- Uh, Reggie Jackson.
- OK.
I'll draw him pooping
on your chest. What number is he?
Welcome. Chris, there are a number
of artists here I'd like you to meet.
Hey, hey, hey. Let's talk turkey, Monatti.
We've been here all day,
and Chris isn't a famous artist yet.
Creating art takes
a lot of training and technique.
- All the great artists I knew took classes.
- Even Walt Disney?
Do I... do I have to?
You want to be a star, don't you?
Then take it off!
- (whimpers)
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's nice.
Art school? We don't have that kind of time.
Chris, give me your ear.
- Peter!
- Mr Griffin, please.
Please, I invited you so that Chris could
make an impression on the art community.
Why not do some sightseeing? If you leave
Chris in my hands, the name Griffin
- Will be as well-known as Kandinsky.
- Who?
- Rembrandt?
- Who?
- Da Vinci?
- Who?
- Bazooka Joe?
- There you go.
Ah, the United Nations!
Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
Isn't it inspiring how so many
different cultures can come together?
Yeah, and use up
all the towels in the men's room.
- Peter!
- Sorry.
(air whooshes)
- These things never get 'em completely dry.
- Where's Stewie?
Hm! Hidden missile silos
behind the Great Wall.
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Mr Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now?
Trust me, painting is the least important
thing about being a successful artist.
You need an image!
Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay
- And turn it into the toast of New York!
- Ha, ha, ha! I love toast!
- Cut it and tint it green, the colour of money.
- And boogers!
(Lois) I feel we've been walkin' in circles.
I don't know how you can find anything
in this city. It's so confusing.
Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton
becomes senator, she'll straighten it out.
Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill.
Ha, ha, ha!
I love when you use topical humour.
It's just like watching Murphy Brown.
Hey, Murphy. Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, John Sununu.
(canned laughter)
Murphy. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, Tipper Gore.
(canned laughter)
Hey, Murph. You can't blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah.
Blah, blah, blah,
Bishop Desmond Tutu. Blah, blah.
(canned laughter and applause)
Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now?
They'd rather wander through SoHo,
looking for an address that doesn't exist.
Ha, ha, ha! That's my dad!
Well, maybe tomorrow, we could all...
- Oh, there's Kate Moss.
- Where? I don't see her.
Agh! Are you the Matrix?
- Kate, this is my new discovery, Christobel.
- My name's Chris.
Not any more. Christobel
will look better in Interview magazine.
Nice to meet you. I love artists.
Whoops! A crack in the floor.
- Lois. Gimme a penny,
- You're not gonna throw it over the edge?
No. Yes.
I've just scheduled your first exhibit!
Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.
Yes. I know how important
your success is to your father.
That's why he'll understand
that you can never see him again.
Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very...
Whaaaat?
Christobel, the art world
is a place of culture and breeding.
Your father is, uh...
How can I say this without upsetting you?
- (high-pitched voice) Your dad is a pig!
- Ah! Ha, ha, ha!
So, you see, it's up to you, son. If you don't
wanna disappoint your father, keep him away.
There's my boy! Hey, come on, Chris.
Let's go to Barneys and fart in the suits.
All right, Dad! I... Oh.
- I mean, uh... I can't see you any more.
- What are you talkin' about? You're my son.
Mr Griffin, he's going to be a great artist.
He now belongs to the public.
And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss.
Oh, and, um, don't say anything bad
about her, cos she might be here right now.
Wait a minute! You can't...
you can't just push me aside.
I made you! And I can destroy you!
- (bleep)
- Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby.
Oh, Bobby Williams,
I'd love to go out with you.
I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used
his painting to patch that window,
- He'd still be in that dump in Quahog.
- That "dump" is our home.
"Dump"? Oh, so now
you're too good for us, too?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity for Chris, not you.
- Are you so selfish you can't see that?
- Yes, I am.
Peter, your son is using
his talents to pursue his dream.
I have no son. Except for Stewie.
- And Meg!
- Aah!
I had a dream
It's all about you
Meg Griffin
Not much you can do
Meg Griffin
You can't dance, you can't sing
No, you pretty much can't do a thing
Never fear, Daddy's here
Honey, you're gonna
make our name famous
You'll be larger than life
I'll be proud you fell out of my wife
You'll be known far and wide
Like that princess who died
I'm gonna make you famous
Wait and see
Honey, I'm gonna do this for you
But it's really for meee...
...eeee!
Fine. If Chris doesn't need me,
I don't need him.
You'll love being famous, Meg,
and this is the town to do it in.
I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?
Everybody's good at somethin'. It's just a
matter of findin' the special hidden talent.
But promise me, when you make it big,
you'll let me take advantage of all the...
I can't think of anything.
I guess I don't have any talent.
Come on, think harder!
There's gotta be somethin' you can do.
(whistles bird call)
- That's amazing!
- Oh, thanks.
I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.
- Nothing happened.
- No, the bird came when Meg whistled.
Oh. No, those are just my bird calls.
Do it again! Do it again!
Yeah? Well, what d'you want?
- Uh...
- You called me, right?
Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.
(giggles)
Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah?
You know what a pain in the ass it is
to get across town, this time of day? Huh?
Listen, uh, mister,
we don't want any trouble here.
I don't fly, you know.
I take the subway like everybody else.
Oh, and people don't stare.
You make me puke. Bitch.
Mr Monatti, I don't feel like painting.
I wanna see my dad.
Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000
turning you into a New York bohemian.
All you have to do is paint. Now get busy!
I have to go oil up and start squeezing
into my leather pants. Excuse me.
Oh, jeez. Kate, what should I do?
I don't know. You're the flavour of the month.
Oops! Window open.
(Meg caws)
- I'm goin' over there. I'm gonna...
- No, no.
- I'm gonna go over there and punch her.
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is humiliating!
It's show business, baby.
You gotta start somewhere.
No, I don't. I quit.
Now, wait just a minute, young lady.
Don't you walk away from me.
Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'!
Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus.
Don't... don't you go to LaGuardia!
Meg? Meg, listen to me.
Don't you dare get on that plane.
Don't shell out five bucks for headphones
for Magnolia. OK. Now, I'm pissed.
- Well, thank God that's over.
- Yeah.
- Wanna go crap on the Statue of Liberty?
- I've lived my life here and never been there.
- I've never been to the Empire State Building.
- Boy, we're a pair.
- Aren't we?
- Unbelievable. Let's go.
- Chris!
- Hey! You guys made it!
Of course! We wouldn't miss your big day.
Wait a second. I don't see any strippers
passing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!
- Is Dad mad at me?
- Oh, he just doesn't understand.
I know artists have to make sacrifices, and...
Oh, my God! Are you Kate Moss?
Oh, for someone with no breasts, you've
done very well for yourself. Good for you!
(disco)
1541.
Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel.
1886. Seurat completes La Grand-Jatte.
1940. Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers
that look suspiciously like vaginas.
But in the new millennium,
there is only Christobel!
- (applause)
- (fanfare)
- Hey, that's not art. Amateur!
- How jejune!
Hey, that's my dad. Except for that one.
That's my dad if he were a cat.
He's the whole reason I'm here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologise for these eyesores.
I guess I was wrong about you.
You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk.
Now hold on a second. You can talk
to my daughter that way, but not my son.
- Now, apologise.
- The hell I will.
You owe me for all that money
I invested in your worthless son.
All right. Well, here's
a little something in return.
Work of art? Or container
of crazy purple knockout gas?
Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be
a famous artist you can mooch off of.
And I'm sorry I have no talent.
Ah, that's OK, kids. So I don't have
my name on an amusement park,
and maybe I'll never be famous.
But I got three wonderful children,
and a wife that loves me.
That's right. I guess when it comes
right down to it, you're a pretty lucky...
- (vomits)
- Oh, my sentiments exactly.
Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.
Hey, watch where you're goin'.
This child is beautiful. I must have him.
You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful,
or beautiful beautiful?
Peter, this is heterosexual
fashion designer Calvin Klein.
I've been looking everywhere for
a face to launch my new line of diapers.
And I think I've found it.
Well, Bob Funland may have his name
on the sign, but only a Griffin has this.
- (camera whirs)
- Ooh! Yeah!
Workin' it, make me want it. Yeah!
Mm, baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby.
I'm going to sex you up so crazy, yeah!
Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?