Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 3 - Boys & Squirrels - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

I won a chain saw.

What?
What are you talking about?



Some lady up the block
is giving away

all of her husband's stuff
'cause he shot himself

- in the face.
- Oh, my God!

I've seen that lady.
He did the right thing.

That's also how we got
this couch.

Basically everything
in this house

is Christmas suicide furniture.

Donna, they had a bullhorn.

I don't know why,
but they had a bullhorn.

DONNA:
Cleveland, it's time for lunch.

What do I want? Sammich!

When do I want it? Now!

♪ I ain't eatin'
no Lipton soup. ♪

So, kids, Bonnie just told me
about the neatest thing.



It's called a podcast.

I guess it's like a-a radio show
on your phone.

Have you heard of these?
Podcasts.

Yeah, Mom,
we know what podcasts are.

Huh. (chuckles)

I guess these types of things
take a while to reach the moms.

I'll have to let Bonnie know.

(dialing)

(beep)

BONNIE: Wow, really?

Mom, Stewie needs
his sausage cut

and his butter spread.

Here, let me get that
for you, buddy.

(buzzing)

(screams)

There you go.
Eat up, little guy.

Damn it, Peter.
You ruined Stewie's chair.

(pager vibrates)

And Bonnie wants to know
what all the noise is.

- Amazing.
- Ooh.

- Wow, it's Willem Dafoe!
- That's right.

Since Willem Dafoe
has more bones in his face

than most people have
in their entire body,

he's perfect for carving,
'cause the angles are so sharp.

It's beautiful, Peter.

Yeah, I just love William Dafoe.

It's not "William,"
it's "Willem."

Yeah, that's what I said.
"William."

He was in Spider-Man
with Kristin Dunst.

- Kirsten Dunst.
- Right. Kirsten Dunce.

- It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst."
- Yeah, Kristin Dunce.

In the movie,
she dated William Dafoe's son.

Spell it, Joe! Spell
what you are saying right now.

Well, I'll give it a shot.

K-Y-R-H...

Look, there's a reason I became
a cop and not a spellman.

- A what?
- A spellman.

- "Spellman" is not a thing, Joe!
- Sure it is.

Fireman, longshoreman, spellman.

Stop me when I'm wrong.

- He's getting too many right.
- Now I'm starting to think

there is such a thing
as a spellman.

PETER: Hey, guys. Check it out.

- It's Groot.
- Oh, yeah.

- From that Marble movie.
- (sighs)

What are you doing?!

- Turn that chain saw off!
- Not a chance, Lois.

You know how hard it was
to get that thing started?

It was even worse than trying to
cover anything with Saran Wrap.

(crinkling)

(groans)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(grunting)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(grunts)

(groans): Oh.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(grunting)

(sighs) Perfect.

Can't wait to throw that out
in two weeks.

(chain saw buzzing)

Peter!
What's going on out here?!

Oh, hey, Lois.
I'm just hollowing out this tree

for the Keebler elves
to live in.

- Awesome!
- I know, right?

Gonna get us a lifetime supply

of fresh-baked-but-still-stale
supermarket cookies.

All right,
time for a little elfin magic.

Ow! Oh! My arm!
Oh, son of a bitch!

(wood crackling)

- Oh, my God!
- Mom, look.

(chittering)

Aw. Poor thing
must've been living in the tree.

(chittering)

- And its foot seems hurt.
- It's even worse than that.

It looks like the tree landed
on its parents and killed them.

Nobody touch
the smooshed squirrel bodies!

Ooh, I got to get my camera.

That girl is one giant red flag.

Stewie,
this squirrel needs help.

I wonder if...
m-maybe I could take care of it.

I don't know if you should do it
on your own.

- Could be a lot of work.
- (chittering)

Would... would you
do it with me?

Well, I-I don't think it...

(chittering)

♪ ♪

You know what? I think
that's a marvelous idea, Chris.

I daresay we would make
outstanding parents

- to this squirrel.
- Hey there, Griffin boys.

I saw this tree go down.
Any loot in it?

Elven treasures?

Uh, no.

Hey, Donna,
the tree's just regular.

DONNA: Go to work, Cleveland!

Well, somebody's
getting big and strong.

Did you hear
that one vet technician

say our little squirrel here

was in the 70th percentile
for height and weight?

No. Which vet tech said that?

The one with the neck tattoo.

- Which one with the neck tattoo?
- The one we saw

smoking in the parking lot
when we were leaving.

Again, you're gonna
have to be more specific.

The one wearing pajama bottoms
as pants.

- Sorry, I don't...
- The girl one!

Oh, yeah, with the half-shaved
head. She was nice.

Well, I'll bet
this cutie is hungry.

Wh-What are you doing?

Don't film me. Film the baby.

But you're both so cute.

This role, it-it suits you.

It's like you've been waiting
your whole life

to be this person.

Shush,
you're going to make me cry.

- (high-pitched fart)
- Aw! He made a little toot.

That was me. It was
one of my cross-legged ones.

I should probably
stop recording.

Well, if it's your elbow
that's bothering you,

we should start
by checking your reflexes.

- (shouts)
- (screams)

- Okay, they seem all right.
- Oh, that's good.

But you got to help me.
My arm really hurts.

It all started
after I got a chain saw.

Hmm, is that right?

Well, it sounds to me like
you may have Chain Saw Elbow.

- "Chain Saw Elbow"?
- Yes, it's all explained

in this video.

Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones.

Congratulations on suffering

from the coolest arm ailment
there is:

Chain Saw Elbow.

As a celebrity dick,
it's always been my passion

to own a ranch
in a low-tax state

that I list
as my primary residence.

And when I'm not pouting
at awards shows,

I'm out in the field
cutting firewood

- for a staged Instagram post.
- (camera clicks)

Sometimes I overdo it,
end up with Chain Saw Elbow.

Now here's fellow ranch owner
Dennis Quaid

to discuss the dangers
of Tractor Ass.

So, you have Tractor Ass.

Okay, so how much
synthetic opioid do you need?

I'm trying to prescribe enough
to earn a fanny pack.

A-Aren't there
any other options?

Well, there's a trucker hat,
but those look stupid on me.

You know, sometimes joint pain
is connected to back issues.

Have you ever had
a chiropractic adjustment?

- What's that?
- It's a procedure

where a guy who couldn't
get into medical school

- tries to rip your head off.
- Does it work?

If you believe it works.

It's kind of like
the Polar Express.

- Let's do it!
- Okay, I'll give it a shot.

But this type of thing
is usually done in strip malls

next to a Little Caesars.

- (grunting)
- (bones crackling)

(gasps)

Holy crap! What happened?

Well, I think we simply found
your true height.

Before years of poor posture
and wear and tear

- crushed your spirit
and your spine.
- Wow.

Mr. Griffin,
let's discuss risk factors.

Do you lead a lifestyle
that's sedentary?

Pet Sedentary?

I'm saying you need
to strengthen your core

and exercise regularly.

- Is that the hat?
- Stupid, right?

I know the holidays
are still months away,

but I was just so excited

to take
our family Christmas card photo.

(chuckles):
Are you kidding? I love it.

You know what, Chris?

I feel like I'm ready
to start trying...

to find another squirrel.

What?

Nothing. I just...

I just hit the lottery
when I met you.

Here's your photo.

It's the only one
where the squirrel

wasn't trying to bite your hand.

- (chuckles): Ooh!
- Oh, I love it!

- How much do we owe you?
- It's fine. Just keep it.

Sears just closed forever.

Whoa! Peter, what happened?

Did you tease that witch again?

No, I got a back adjustment.

Turns out
I've been this tall all along.

- You don't say.
- Well, that's amazing.

Why are you still wearing
the same pants?

I don't know. I only get
pants at Christmas, so...

I'll get pants at Christmas.

- So, how is it being that tall?
- It's okay, I guess.

Although I've noticed I'm a lot
more clumsy in the bedroom.

(bed creaking)

(lamp shatters)

PETER: I'm so sorry.

You two keep going.
I'm gonna clean this up.

(chittering)

Stewie! Stewie, come quick!

(gasps) Its first steps?

We've got to film this!

I know, I know!

(chittering)

Look at that!

Oh, I'm going to cry!

I've never felt this proud.

That's going on Instagram
right now.

Totally! But we should
pair it with a song

about steps or walking.

Oh, my God, yes.
"Walking on Sunshine."

Oh, that would sell it.

Sell what?
That we're totally cliché?

- How about "Step by Step"?
- New Kids on the Block?

No. The Eddie Rabbitt version.

And have people think we're 100?

Let's do "Walking in Memphis."

I will concede
that's a good song,

but we don't live in Memphis,
so I find it confusing.

What about
"Walk Like an Egyptian"?

Well, we don't live
in Egypt either.

Ah. Hoisted on my own petard.

"Nobody Walks in L.A."

Again, we do not live in L.A.

Ooh, let's do "I Love L.A."!

Do you know what?

This is going to surprise you,
Chris,

but I agree with you.

Let's use "I Love L.A."

♪ I love L.A. ♪

- (laughs) It's perfect!
- ♪ We love it! ♪

Yes, this will really
tell people that...

-(growling)
-(squeaking)
-♪ I love L.A. ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

♪ I love L.A. ♪

Thank you all for coming today.

It means a lot to Stewie and me
that you would be here.

I got this, Chris.

Everyone, after the service,

you are all invited
to a small reception

to honor our beloved squirrel.

Nothing fancy.
Just acorns and puddle water.

It'll take place
either on top of the fence

or along a power line.

But, first, please join me

in a frozen-in-place moment
of silence,

followed by a manic scattering
in all directions.

(lively chatter)

All right, the Quahog Fair.

Hey, Peter,
would you get off your phone?

Sorry, young girls
keep killing each other

'cause they think
I'm the Slender Man now.

- (festive organ music playing)
- Are-are you...

are you telling them
to kill each other?

It's just a goof.

You sure
you're not too tall for this?

Nah, it's gonna be great.

♪ ♪

- Yay!
- (thump)

- MAN: Ow! Who kicked me?!
- Sorry!

- What the hell?!
- PETER: My bad.

- Ow! Who's doing that?
- It's that jerk up there!

(cackling)

(gasps) It's Slender Man!

Kill yourselves!

- Peter!
- Come on.

It's just a goof.

♪ ♪

Don't you dare touch
its bedroom!

The squirrel is gone, Stewie,

and there's nothing we can do
to change that.

Yes, thanks to you.
If it weren't for you,

our sweet baby
would still be alive.

- Me?
- That's right.

If you hadn't kept the squirrel
up so late,

none of this
would have happened.

That squirrel
should have been in bed, Chris.

It was 7:45!

What? I'm not the one

who just had to post the video
to Instagram that very second.

You couldn't even enjoy
the moment for one damn minute

before desperately groveling
for online approval

from aunts you never talk to

and past coworkers
you don't even like!

Is that so?
Well, if you had a newer phone,

it wouldn't have taken so long
to upload the video.

Well, excuse me
for not having a fancier phone.

I'm only a paperboy!

Oh, I'm well aware
that you're only a paperboy.

(grunting, chewing)

Ah, perfect.
I see you're using again.

Oh, I wonder why.

And don't think I didn't smell
the Charleston Chew

on your breath at the service.

Maybe if you'd been
a little sharper

on the evening in question,
we wouldn't be in this...

I had four Skittles that night!

That's not zero!

You knew
there was a dog in the house.

He's practically
your best friend!

Or maybe even more than that.

You shut your damn mouth!

Oh, this is awful.

Why does death seem so much
easier in the Rocky movies?

Goodbye, Mick.

(wheels squeaking)

Oh, wai... You're just gonna
put him in a drawer?

- What are you, like, filing him?
- Yes, for tax reasons.

Jews don't die.

They just slowly depreciate

and then are
eventually written off.

♪ ♪

What's the matter, Peter?

I'm just sick of being tall.

I had a hard enough time getting
everything in the toilet before.

I want my old body back.

Well, there is a way.

What is it?

Lock the front door.

(lock clicks)

Peter, if you really want
to get shorter,

- I can berate you.
- What?

The female power to belittle
is such

that the recipient can
physically shrink in stature.

That's why husbands and wives
are the same height in old age.

Lois, berate me.

Okay, Peter, but if I do this,
I really got to do it.

Do it.

(inhales deeply)

(exhales)

For starters, you're a failure.

- (bones crackle)
- Gah!

You didn't go to college.

Daddy pays our mortgage.

And you're a terrible husband
and father.

- Ouch!
- Your whole life

is a pattern of hateable noises.

- Ooh!
- The way you chew a banana

makes it sound
like it's filled with bones.

- Ouch!
- I loathe the little wheeze

at the crest of every breath
you take.

- Yikes!
- I hate the one story you tell

at every cocktail party
about almost meeting John Kerry.

That's a good story.

You didn't even meet him!

- (bones crackle)
- Almost.

Your eyeglass lenses
have been smudged for 19 years.

- Aw, crap.
- (bones crackle)

Everyone hates it
when you see fireworks

and you announce,
"This is the finale!"

- Please stop.
- Pink Floyd is multiple guys!

He is?

You're so predictable.

I know every word that's gonna
come out of your mouth

before you even say it.

BOTH:
Balderdash. Heavens. Stop that.

I worked for Purolator Courier
before they went bankrupt.

- Appearance. (blows raspberry)
- (bones crackling)

Intelligence. (blows raspberry)

Penis size. (blowing raspberry)

(bones cracking)

And another thing...!

Well, Lois, you are a master.

Well, let me
first start by saying

y'all's doing
your relationship a huge favor

by coming to couples counseling.

Now, why don't y'all start
by each trying to suck up to me

so I can choose
who I'm-a side with?

Well, I'm Stewart,
and I would love to offer you

a freshly baked brownie.

Mmm. Oh, my.

Someone's already in the lead.

I'm Chris. I'm somehow
both signing the checks

and always wrong.

See, this is why we came.

Right? It's this all day.

Oh, that's right.

I'm not allowed to mention
I'm paying for this.

It's both 100% true

and also the worst thing
anybody could possibly say.

He had his arms crossed
the whole ride here.

Excuse me if I don't buy into

this whole
headshrinker business.

Stewie promised
he'd make healthy meals for us,

but all he ever makes
is frozen pizza.

You said you loved pizza,
especially when I make

the ones with the crust
made of "hwheat."

He also does that.

Oh, really? Go ahead.

Show him those girls
you follow on Instagram.

It's all bosoms and derrieres
on there.

This is all stuff I've talked
about with my life coach, Kyle.

(chuckles): Yeah, "life coach."

Kyle's into you and you know it.

What...?!

Okay. Chris, why don't you tell
your side of the story

while I share looks with Stewart
that say,

"Whoa, this is
what you got to deal with?"

(crying): This is just so hard.

Stewie won't stop blaming me
about the death,

but it's not my fault.

I didn't kill our squirrel.

You know, I'm sad, too!

- (crying)
- I know. I-I just...

I just don't know what to do
with all these feelings!

Which is why... I suppose I've
been taking them out on you.

I'm so sorry, Chris.

(sniffles) Me, too, Stewie.

We can't bring our baby back,

but we'll always have Tuesday
through Friday of last week.

Keep talking.

I's just gonna open up
this big book

and use the time
you're paying for

to figure out
when you're next available.

It was a true pleasure parenting
our squirrel with you, Chris.

Likewise, Stewie.

And although his life was brief,

I'll always have
very fond memories of him.

Wait, "him"?

It-it was a her.

No, it wasn't.
The squirrel was a boy.

What? That's crazy.

- Chris, he was a boy.
- How do you know?

Well, you've got to check
with your finger.

But you really got to get it
in there.

Huh.
Well, then maybe it's better

that our baby you molested
is dead.

Ooh, fudge!

"Don't be a grinch.

Please return plate
to G. Quagmire."

Oh, great.
So it's a gift and an errand.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

(crying)

♪ I love L.A. ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

PETER: All right! New pants!