Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 2 - The Talented Mr. Stewie - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Rupert, remember
that very expensive bottle

of coconut water I got
from Pressed Juicery in Newport



that we were saving
for a special occasion?

Well, I'm going to need you
to get two Dixie cups

and open it!

I got Busy Bee
for the second week in a row!

Miss Debby said that I was
the best at sharing and helping.

And she didn't even have
to say that.

She just had a cyst removed
from her ovary.

You were right, Rupert.
I did exactly as you said.

I just took it one day at a time

and minded my own beeswax,
and now look.

Two weeks in a row.

This is good for us.
This is very good for us.

I know I wasn't
originally supportive

when you joined A.A.,
but I have to say,



I've gotten something
out of it, too.

I mean, it works when you work,
so work it.

Or, y-you know,
h-however it goes.

The point is,
together, we are unstoppable.

I'm going for three weeks,
Rupert.

Nobody's ever gotten Busy Bee
three weeks in a row before,

and with you by my side,
I know I can do it.

You know, you look good.
I don't tell you that enough.

I want to show you
how much I appreciate you.

Stewie, are you up there?

Her timing, am I right?

- Stewie?
- What?

Oh, there you are, sweetie.

You want some animal crackers?

I just went to the market
and got a new crate.

Ugh, can't you ever come back
from shopping

without looking like
you were getting supplies

for a refugee camp?

They're downstairs
if you want some.

Get the hell out of here.

You know what? I actually do
want some animal crackers, so...

to be continued.

The stuff is in the top drawer,

so just, you know, get it ready.

I'm going to do something
really nice for Rupert.

Show him how much
he means to me, Annabelle.

Oh, no, no. No, no,
I don't want you to kill anyone.

- I'll let you know.
- There you are.

What are you doing up here?

Oh, hey, Bri.
I'm making a collage for Rupert.

We've been firing
on all cylinders lately,

and I just wanted
to let him know I care.

That sounds stupid.

Well, Annabelle
doesn't think so.

Right, Annabelle?

Holy, what is that?!

Wow,
look at all these old photos.

Aw, I was such a cute puppy.

That's not you. That's Snuffles.

- He got hit by a car.
- Oh, word?

You want to see
something upsetting?

Look at this photo of Chris.

He's, like, three years old,
and he's in a mobility scooter

rolling around an oxygen tank.

Wait. Is that Rupert?

- Oh, yeah, I guess it is.
- What's he doing with Chris?

Well, Rupert belonged to Chris
before he was yours.

- Didn't you know that?
- No, I did not know that.

Yeah, he was named Skippy.

He had a different name?!

Yeah, Skippy.
Chris took him everywhere.

- Used to sleep with him, too.
- You shut up!

I think he was Peter's
before that.

Oh, God,
this can't be happening.

I thought Rupert was mine first,

not some multigenerational
family dong koozie.

We need to talk, Skippy.

That's right,
I know all about you and Chris.

Ah, ah, ah, don't.
Don't run out, don't run out.

Look, just sit right there,
please.

I'm not angry, all right?

I've j...
I've had a lot of time to think,

and, well, look, I-I don't see

why this has to change anything
between us.

We both have a past.

Hello, I'm a lady comedienne.

I want to get on stage
and talk about my husband

and how he leaves
the toilet seat up, et cetera.

Yeah,
you don't seem like a lady.

Maybe a boy or a baby
or something.

I don't know,
but you're no lady.

How dare you, sir!

Must I show you my genitalia

in order to book a gig
at this establishment?

- Because I will.
- Go on. Beat it, weirdo.

Can I
just stick around a little bit

so I can go up onstage
when you guys win an Emmy?

♪ ♪

Uh, I guess I'll hold it.

I had something memorized,
and it all dumped out.

Uh, thank you to the Academy

and to all the viewers
who watch.

Is the light keeping you up?

FYI, I'm more in love
with Michelle,

if that was even possible.

Oh. Oh, you know,
I still have that headache.

Well, if you want to go over
to Chris's room...

I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I said I wouldn't do that,
and I did it.

I'm just gonna finish
this chapter.

I'm trying, Rupert.

I really am.
I want this to work.

It's just that sometimes
I picture you in his bed, and...

Anyway, big day tomorrow.
They're picking Busy Bee.

I should get some sleep.

I'm sorry.

Nights are hard.

Well...

I didn't get it.
They gave Busy Bee to Frederick.

Frederick!

I'm not gonna hit you, so relax.

Anyway, the point is

it's not working anymore,
Rupert.

I can't focus.
I can't concentrate.

Clearly, my work is suffering.

Look, we're both adults.
We can split custody of Simon.

I guess I'd better tell him.

Simon?

You know Mommy and Daddy
love you very much.

But Mommy and Daddy
need some time apart.

Simon.

Simon. Simon.

Knock, knock.

Stewie, can you see who's there?

- What?
- Someone was knocking at the door.

It-it was me.
I just went "knock, knock."

There they are again.

I don't even know
how to process that,

so I'm just gonna crack on.

I have somebody here
that would like to see you.

- Your teddy bear.
- You don't have to be coy.

I know he was yours first.

And, well, I want you to have...
Skippy back.

- I know you're going to try and stop me, but hear me...
- Okay.

Oh. Great.

Then I'll just leave him here.

I hope you're both
very happy together, Chris.

He belongs with you, not me.

Well, I should get back
to my book.

That's a clock, but okay.

This is just one night, got it?

Now, I'm going
to call you Rupert.

You okay with that?

And tomorrow, nothing happened.

By the way,
I have a Sleep Number bed.

But don't worry, I don't
use it for sexual purposes.

What do you think of that?

That something
you can work with?

Well, looks like someone
was up late.

Yeah, I tend to sleep
a little longer

when I'm resting under
a big, furry bear.

Oh, no! They's doin'
gay jokes without me.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

You're part of it now.

God, you're sexy.

What are you looking at?!
I told you that was one night!

Now get out.
I called you an Uber.

I'll know if you went further
than your house.

- Hey, what are you doin'?
- Oh, hey, Bri.

I was just putting some product
in my hair, you know.

Yeah, this looks good.
Give it a little height.

Let everyone know Stewie's
back on the market.

I heard that on Friends.

Did you know they're all 60 now?

I knew Courteney Cox was.

So, how you doing with Rupert
gone and everything?

Are you kidding? I'm fantastic!

He was kind of holding me back,
if I'm being honest.

It's time I got out there again.
I've had one bear my whole life.

- That's not normal.
- Nothing about you is normal.

I mean, I've already wasted a
whole year of my life with him.

There's only been a year
of your life.

You know, all of your responses
have been very similar,

so you might want to nip that
in the bud.

Look, the truth is, things got
a bit stale between us.

There wasn't one part
of Rupert's body

that I didn't know by heart.

None of it excites me anymore.

Well, do you want me to
keep an eye on Rupert for you?

Make sure he's doing okay?

No need.
I turned him into a nanny cam.

- A nanny cam?
- Yeah, I put it inside him.

Deep. It's inside him now.

I-I don't know how to respond
that won't sound similar

to other responses I've made,
so just, uh, continue.

Right. Well, whenever Chris
and Rupert interact,

ten minutes later, I'll get a
chime notification on my phone,

and I can pull up the video.

Why is there a delay?

Why can't you get
the video immediately?

I don't know.
Why can't you poop on a toilet?

Fair.

Ah, it's chiming, it's chiming.

Okay, okay, calm down,
just calm down.

Now, what do we have?

Oops. Sorry, Skippy.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Is Chris wearing
a nicotine patch?

You know what,
it's just like I said.

He and Chris go together,
like peaches and cream.

Peaches. Peaches, I'm sorry.

Damn it. You could've at least
given me some warning.

At least a-a shoulder tap.

I know, you're right.

It's just that
you're so beautiful,

I can't control myself
sometimes.

Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

How about a kiss?

No-ho-ho-ho. Oh, no.

I'm sorry, was that loud?
Sorry, everyone.

We're being loud.
Oh, this is Anton.

Stewie, let Mommy help you
into your high chair.

Well, I am a little
wobbly today.

It's your fault, you know.

Stop it, we're with my family.

Easy. You're pinching my pits.

God, it's like being picked up
with lobster claws.

We hate her, by the way.

Ah, I see you got my text
to bring Rupert to dinner.

You're looking well.
And this is Anton.

He's in the touring company
of Dear Evan Hansen.

My, aren't we all very modern?

He's just here 'cause I got gum
on him and he stuck to my hand.

Okay, that's sickening.

Remember when that bear
used to be yours, Chris?

Oh, you used to take him
with you every...

You shut your mouth,
you hear me? Shut it!

Oh, someone's tired.

Brian, you want to
put the baby down?

Okay, yeah,
he is a little fussy.

I'll take him upstairs.
Come on, Stewie.

Brian, he's not in Evan Hansen.

He's a male prostitute.

Very cheap.

Please tell me Rupert looked
fat, Brian. I'm begging you.

He's a stuffed bear...
He-he looked enormous.

Yeah, I thought so, too.
Puffy, you know?

Glug, glug, glug.
Someone's back on the sauce.

Goodnight, Skippy.

Just a warning, I had some
bad experiences at camp,

so now I sleep
with one eye open.

I can't believe it, Brian.
I've been forgotten.

I can't take it anymore!
It's eating me alive!

What are you gonna to do?

I-I need to take a trip.

You know?
Go on a spiritual journey.

Find out who Stewie is
without Rupert, you know?

I just have to get
an Uber to the airport.

Wait... my Uber rating is 4.2?!
What happened?

Excuse me, I'm in Bali
on a spiritual journey

but I seem to have
mistakenly wandered

on to the heavy people beach.

Do you happen to know where
the thin, attractive beach is?

Thank you and good luck with
whatever's going on with you.

Hey. You should've seen the pigs
where I was before.

I'm only wearing a Speedo
because that's what they wear

in this country.

If I...
if I weren't wearing one,

then I would stand out, right?

I'm on a spiritual journey. You?

Oh, you don't speak English.
Cool.

Rupert? Rupert, is that you?!
You followed me!

This can be a second chance
for us.

Let's put everything behind...
Oh... oh.

Sorry, I'm-I'm so embarrassed.

You-you look like...
an old friend.

He lives with someone else now.

Well, sorry.

You've got to get a grip
on yourself, Stewie.

Put Rupert and Chris
out of your head.

Excuse me,
where are your parents?

Oh. I-I don't...
I'm-I'm-I'm like...

I'm like a...
I'm-I'm like a baby guy.

Mm. So anyway,

so I'm-I'm Eat Gay Loving it
and it's-it's going great.

And I... Yeah, I finally feel

like I'm getting my life
together again

af-after the breakup.

Oh, my God, oh, this pasta...
This is amazing.

This is amazing.
I'm... You know what?

I'm never going to fit into
that Speedo again.

Hmm? I will? Aw.

Th-The whole point
of-of this journal...

spirit... spiritual journal...

j-journey, spiritual journey...

Why-why was that so hard?

...is to be Stewie, you know?

Love Stewie.

Love me. You know, love me.

Stop-stop pouring. Stop pouring.
I can't...

I can't keep track of how
much I'm drinking. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much
for taking me out, guys.

♪ ♪

The retreat is now finished.

I hope you have found the peace
you have come here looking for.

Wow. I have so much clarity now.

I know how I'm going to move on.

I have to kill Chris
and Rupert right away.

I guess that means
I'll miss that taping

of Deepak Choprah Winfrey.

Everyone, check your seats!

You get diarrhea!

And you get diarrhea!

And you get diarrhea!

Everyone's getting diarrhea...!

So, how was the trip?

Um, fabulous.

Well, I have to say,
you do look better.

I feel better, Bri.

It was the best thing
I could have done for myself.

And you're good
with Chris and Rupert now?

Oh, yeah, I'm so good.

Yeah, I acted like
a real tool before.

You know, I'm actually
gonna make it up to them.

Well, I'm so glad
to hear that, Stewie.

What are you gonna do?

I've got something
super special planned.

Well, I'm happy you're back.
I missed you.

I'm happy I'm back, too.
Oh, and you can skip India.

Huh. Really?

How old is this place?

That black-and-white TV
still has a white dot

from when they turned it off
six years ago.

Hey, Chris, just checking to see

how long before
you and Rupert get here.

Okay, see you soon, pal.

Hope you're hungry. I'm making
something really special.

Goodness, I haven't done
a maniacal laugh in a while.

Hope I'm not rusty.

That's perfect.

Takeout's fine,
he'll never know.

I don't know why I said
I was making dinner.

I'm committing a murder,
I should've realized

I wouldn't also want to cook.

They're here! I can't wait for
Rupert to see how good I look.

It'll be the last thing he sees.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, Stewie,

I brought Rupert,
just like you said.

Yes, and nothing else, I see.

What do you mean?

Like dessert
or a bottle of wine.

It's customary to bring
a hostess gift

- when invited to dinner.
- I didn't know.

Everyone knows that
but whatever. Sit, sit, sit!

Well, how is everything?

Oh, Anton couldn't make it.

Poor thing's brother has AIDS.

Anyhoo, it is so good
to see the two of you.

This is weird. Why am I here?

For dinner. Here.

What are we having?

Uh... pasta... primavera.

Who made this?

I made it.
I told you I was making dinner.

It tastes like
it's from a store.

Well, it's not! You know,
you're making this thing

a whole lot easier.

What whole thing?

I thought I could live
with the idea

of you and Rupert together,
I-I really did.

I see the way he looks at you.

He used to look at me like that.

Knowing he loves you and not me,

it's too painful
and I now realize...

Sorry, that's been
bugging me all day.

I now realize the only way
I can go on with my life

is by ending yours.

You're planning on killing me?

Oh, my God,
you poisoned my food?

That's why it tastes so funny!

It's from a good store!

I thought you said you made it.

I did m... All right, look,

we're-we're getting
off track here.

How much longer do I have?

There's no poison
in the food, Chris.

Although, that actually would
have been smart, wouldn't it?

Damn it. I'm sorry,

I-I haven't done this whole
Hitchcock thing before.

This hasn't
been very Hitchcockian.

Oh, that you know.

Then I'm just gonna leave.

A-And why should I bring a gift

- if you were gonna kill me?
- Etiquette?

Look, I'm afraid
I can't let you go, Chris.

Peter, what is it?

I forgot to record
Young Sheldon.

Oh, we got a nice evening
for this. Nice evening.

It's like
the perfect temperature.

I don't even need a sweater.

Wait.
What are you doing, Stewie?

You can turn around right now
and go back home.

This is your brother.

♪ ♪

This is exactly how it
happened in the movie!

How can you say this
isn't like Hitchcock?!

This is from
The Talented Mr. Ripley.

It's not a Hitchcock film!

- It's not?
- No.

It was directed
by Anthony Minghella.

But isn't it a remake?

Of a French film!

Oh!

This is all because of you,
Rupert.

You broke my heart.

And now it's your turn.

Okay, Rupert, so remember,

we sit through a nice dinner

and then you go back
with Stewie.

Because I love my
little brother, and so do you.

You guys belong together.

So... you do love me.

Oh, Rupert, I love you so much!

And I didn't want to say it
because I-I didn't know if you

were going to say it back and
oh, what a fool I've... Chris!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Come on, he's my brother.

Well, you have
to use a little tongue.

Chris, are you all right?
Please, say something!

I don't think Jordan Peele
has the talent

we've attributed to him.

Because of the lake water,

uh, I said some things
that I did not mean.

Jordan Peele is our greatest
living filmmaker

and visionary,

both in comedy and in drama.

There is nothing he can't do.

Good.
Now let's make some twin porn.

Hit me again and you got a deal.

Hey, sleepyhead.

- Stewie.
- How ya feelin', pal?

Uh... Okay.

Do you remember what happened?

- No.
- That's the right answer.

Well, you have a lovely day

and we'll see you
when you get home.

I think we can get
a heart from this kid.

Uhp, nope, he's up.