Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 1 - Stewie's First Word - full transcript
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
God, the Clam sucks
on Saturday mornings.
It's all just weird
foreign sports fans,
like those Pakistani
cricket hooligans.
If you are not rooting
for Lahore,
please you may leave,
I can tell you!
Lahore cricketers are the best,
and the others are not the best,
dear friends.
I'm for Karachi, but I don't
got a death wish about it.
Guys, what's wrong with us?
It's Saturday morning,
and we're drinking in a bar.
We should be drinking at
the Goodwill donation dumpster.
- Why come?
-'Cause right now's
when all the yard sales end.
We can get first pick
of the abandoned leftovers.
That's a stupid idea.
There's not gonna
be anything good
in that dumpster.
What if I told you
everything I'm wearing right now
I found in that dumpster?
Is that a bachelorette sash?
Scott said I could do hand stuff
this weekend, but that's it.
I told you this is stupid.
There's nothing good in here.
Hey, look...
A pair of working legs.
Dibs on these.
Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire!
Joe, I said dibs.
No, no, you're right.
You said dibs.
Whoa. Check it out.
A Sorry! board game.
Let me see it.
- Three pieces missing.
- How'd you do that?
I can shake anything and
figure out what all's in there.
You got 11 periods left.
Cool. VHS of Eraserhead.
This'll be good for when
I never want to sleep again.
Holy crap.
Wha-What? What is it?
A Magic 8 Ball!
This thing can tell the future.
No, it can't, Peter.
It's just a stupid toy.
I don't know. Let's test it.
Will there be snow
this Christmas?
Oh, my God, the ball is right.
I should ask again later.
How did it know that?
Guys, from now on,
I am living my life
according to the Magic 8 Ball.
It will lead me
like the shorebird
that led the first Pilgrims
to Boston.
Ahoy!
Are you looking to build a city
where sports fans
can be notoriously racist?
Yeah, and can we also ruin
"Sweet Caroline"
- for everyone else?
- Absolutely.
Can our airport security people
be responsible for 9/11?
And can our own 9/11 be, like,
one one-thousandth as bad,
but we'll still make
a fricking movie about it?
I think I know just the place.
Okay, I don't know
if this is gonna be a problem,
but we forgot
to bring the letter "R."
No problem at all.
Right this way,
large-faced whites!
Let's go, Red Sox!
Let's go, Red Sox!
What is that?
It's my Magic 8 Ball.
This is the first black ball
that Kim Kardashian
hasn't played with.
Why is it filled with the blue
liquid from tampon commercials?
That's a very gross question,
Meg.
You may take your breakfast
in the attic.
That question aside, I'm having
a blast with my new 8 Ball.
It knows everything. Watch.
Magic 8 Ball,
will my middle-of-the-highway
puppet show be a success?
Well, I'll show this thing.
How'd it go, Dad?
I don't know, Sparky.
What did you think?
The performance was
a little flat.
Magic 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.
Should I sniff
my coworker's hair?
He told me to do it!
Mr. Griffin,
if a Magic 8 Ball asked you
to jump off a building,
would you do that, too?
Did it?
No, I'm just using that
as an example of...
I listened to the toy!
Magic 8 Ball,
what's the best e-mail provider?
"Outlook good." Interesting.
He's not raving about it,
but it's a solid choice.
Let's go, Peter.
Time for church.
Mom said they're gonna serve
Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.
Lois... church?
Who am I supposed to worship...
Jesus?
This is my god now.
Watch your mouth, Peter.
Sorry, Lois, but my religion
is now the 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball,
is the Fox network sustainable
in this new streaming world?
No. No!
Kim, what's wrong?
A black ball went to waste.
Are you streaming Mindhunter
in church?
I'm trying to stream
Mindhunter in church.
Freaking guest Wi-Fi.
You know
the priest gets the good Wi-Fi.
And yea, the Lord said...
Whoa, whoa.
Mindhunter's going in.
I mean...
Thou art the children
of Abraham, and thou shalt...
He's playing you!
You think you're playing him?
He's playing you.
I hate this.
When do I get my cookie?
I just want my cookie
so I can go home.
Now please join me
in silent prayer.
And as we settle
into the silence,
I remind you that...
In honor of Lent...
Today's coffee service will not
include Chewy Chips Ahoy.
Hey, Stewie said his first word.
And it was a swear.
Well, this is unacceptable.
We have to leave right now
and go straight to breakfast.
Unbelievable.
Let's go!
I can't believe Stewie
finally said his first word
and it ends up being... that.
Right now, every woman in my
mommy wine group is judging me.
I may have to start
drinking wine at home alone.
-Start?
-Not the day for it, Chris!
Not the day!
I don't get it, Stewie.
You've been talking forever.
Why did everyone suddenly
understand you now?
I don't know.
I was feeling so much
intense emotion in the moment,
and that one word somehow
just burst through.
Yeah, but now what?
Everyone can understand you?
I don't think so.
Not unless I'm yelling something
I feel strongly about.
Greta Gerwig
is a national treasure!
See? Nothing.
I guess I'm not feeling it.
I don't know.
What if that's the only thing
I'll ever be able to express?
Anger. What kind
of a person would I be then?
Larry David, Lewis Black,
a Trump voter,
everyone on Twitter.
But I don't want
to be any of those things.
They've got to hear me.
Ice cream! Lollipop!
Bubbles! Kitty cat!
Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool!
Fire truck! Goldfish!
Finger paint!
Lois, what are you doing here?
What do you mean?
You invited us.
Sorry, but we can't
have Stewie here.
I brought my own veggie burgers,
but I'm not gonna make
a big deal about it.
What with his profanity and all,
I don't think
Stewie would be a good influence
on the other children.
Is there a designated spot
on the grill
for the veggie burgers?
And again, not a big deal.
You're saying
that because of a swear word,
my son isn't good enough
for your pool party?
It's a little bit
about him swearing,
but mostly
about you as a parent.
Kevin, I said, no arrows!
Crossbows don't shoot arrows.
They shoot bolts, dumbass!
Okay, sweetie.
Hey, Dad, did you hear
what Einstein called bolts?
I heard it.
Brian, shut off the television.
It's ruined my baby!
What are you talking about?
Stewie obviously learned
to swear from some TV show.
No, he didn't. The only show
he watches is Caillou.
Well, then that little
French-Canadian weirdo
is the potty mouth,
I'm sure of it.
And I'm willing to watch every
single episode just to prove it.
Caillou was upset.
Why am I bald?
I'm not a baby. I'm four.
Are kids just bald in Canada?
So Caillou decided
to look himself up on Wikipedia.
God, this is dull.
Maybe I'm supposed
to be a cancer survivor,
and this show is very inspiring.
But Caillou
wasn't a cancer survivor.
The show's creators
just made a weird choice.
Caillou's
low-testosterone father
again indulged
Caillou's tantrum,
clearly trying
to raise a sociopath.
It's okay, Caillou.
I'll bake you a pie.
He said, his body flooding
with estrogen.
Lois?
Are you dead?
Can I eat you?
- Huh? What?
- Ah, another time.
Oh. I-I, um... I watched
that Caillou, and you're right.
Stewie didn't learn that word
from Caillou.
That means he learned it
from someone in this house.
- Okay.
- And I will find out who.
I'm gonna set a trap
and lure the swearer
into revealing himself.
That sounds hard.
Oh, I will find the swearer.
Dad, why are we sitting
on the washing machine?
Because in Canada,
men have vaginas.
Hey, what's with the stairs?
Why do they look different?
Oh, I'm trying to prove
that Peter's the one
cussing in the house,
so I waxed the staircase
for him to fall down.
Hey, Lois, have you seen
my Spider-Man socks?
I can't seem to...
Ouch. Oh, heavens.
Oh, goodness gracious.
That's smarts. Oh, my.
Egad. Well, I'll be.
Yikes.
Peter, when did you
become so polite?
Oh, I've been hanging out
with Caillou's beta dad.
In fact,
I'm meeting him at the park
to eat unsalted saltines
on the swings.
I feel like you're wearing
what Rachel Maddow
would wear to a pumpkin patch.
Lois couldn't find the swearer,
nor could she remove the voice
of the grating Caillou narrator
from her head.
Make it stop!
Not until you kill them all,
Lois.
Oh, crap.
It's the lady
with the baby who cussed.
Turn out the lights.
Shh. Quiet, quiet.
H-Hello?
Hello! I know you're in there!
We're closed!
I know you're not closed.
I see the Instacart people
in there
emotionlessly filling up
their baskets.
We're a family establishment,
so take your foul-mouthed baby
and go away!
Please, let me in!
I can only poop
behind a punch-code door!
There's something
about the beeps.
It gets things moving!
It's very secure!
Go away!
You can't do this!
When a mom is shunned
by groceries,
she has nothing!
Please!
Aah! It's those antibacterial
wipes for the shopping carts!
It's burning my eyes!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
I-It's me.
I'm the swearer.
Oh, God.
I'm ruining my child!
Lois was sad,
but not as sad
as she was going to be
when she realizes she has
to use those ouchie wipes
to make a potty next
to the store dumpster.
I feel so awful.
I've corrupted my baby
with my foul language
and my terrible anger.
I'm so sorry that happened,
Lois.
And Lofthouse cookies
weren't available
at any other grocery store?
Don't worry, Dad.
I Instacarted some.
Here's your stuff.
Thank you. Have a good night.
No.
Anyway, the point is
I have to deal with my anger
and fix myself.
So I've decided to attend
this relaxation retreat
at Vista del Vista Resort.
Uh, gosh,
I don't know about that, Lois.
It sounds really expensive.
No, I guess you're right.
There's no way we can afford it.
Plus, if I go,
that means I won't be here
to help out around the house
or feed you guys
or monitor your Internet usage
every day...
- You should go.
- Yeah, Mom,
you should go, for sure.
Because they want to masturbate,
you see.
Okay.
Uh, I don't know what that was,
but, Lois, you should go
to that resort.
Go relax and fix yourself.
Really?
You guys'll be okay
while I'm gone?
Sure. We'll have fun!
Just like that time me and Chris
went Jet Ski'ing.
Yeah! This is awesome!
I know, right?
Oh, my God!
It's okay, Chris.
I'm sure that was the only one.
Dolphins swim alone.
Okay, maybe we should turn back.
No.
Kill every last one of them.
Chris and I never spoke
of that day.
But whenever somebody talks
about how smart dolphins are,
Chris and I look
at each other like,
"No."
♪ You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate
the positive ♪
♪ E-lim-i-nate the negative ♪
♪ And latch on ♪
♪ To the affirmative. ♪
Lois Griffin? My name is Roger,
and I'll be guiding
this relaxation adventure
for you
and the other white women,
plus an Asian woman who has
a white husband back home.
I feel more relaxed already.
Now sit down and enjoy some
spa music that's mostly rain.
Hey, guys, can we take it
from the rain again?
Well, Chris and Meg
are off to school.
Guess it's just you and me now.
You want a Popsicle?
Huh?
Breakfast Popsicle?
Whoa, there's vodka in here.
Now, what... Uh, now, what is...
Now, what... what did you want?
What...
Let's go play in the hot yard.
I'm two and a half hours late
for preschool.
Your dad...
What... Who wants milk?
L-Let me quick just check
in the freezer.
You-you burger.
Here-Here's your veggie burger.
It'll thaw out.
It... You s-suck on it.
It'll thaw out nice.
All right, I'm out of here.
Ah, this is the perfect amount
of drunk
for a Filet-O-Fish.
♪ ♪
Hey.
I'm, um, Trey Headband,
and I'm your dumb
yoga instructor?
Yoga is, um, good?
And from, um, like, China?
Ready? Go.
Go what?
What?
Y-You didn't tell us what to do.
Awesome. You guys did great.
Let's take a break.
Who's got yoga questions?
Oh, I have a question.
What does "namaste" mean?
I don't know.
I've never heard of that.
But do you guys remember
OP shorts?
What does that have to do
with yoga?
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
those were pretty rad.
You guys are doing really good.
Keep going.
I'm gonna go
to that bathroom right there
and do explosive diarrhea.
Just be quiet and meditate now.
Right on?
Just, like,
be one with the silence.
If you hear a sound,
just, um, rec-knowledge it
and then, like, let it go?
Meditation doesn't have
diarrhea sounds.
All right, let's check in
on Peter and the baby.
Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy
to mow this very rocky backyard.
So I'll just put you in this
baby seat you've grown out of,
right where the rocks
are gonna fly.
Wait, what?
Hang on! Stop!
- Aah!
- Uhp, there we go.
Wow, that's a lot of rocks.
Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off!
Uhp, the voles are back.
You can tell
from all the very many rocks.
Look at 'em fly!
Still think moving
was such a bad idea?
I don't know.
Do we still live
with your mother?
Good morning, everyone.
Let me start
with another friendly reminder
to please not flush
your feminine products.
The yard over the septic tank
out back
looks like
a Braveheart battlefield.
Okay. Now it's time for everyone
to choose a mantra.
What's that?
It's like a word you say
that brings you peace.
A special word.
A word of release and catharsis.
You mean like?
Now, now, Lois,
let's keep things acceptable.
I mean, I'm just saying...
I already have a word
that does all those things
when I say it.
And that word is...
Yes, we heard the word!
Lois, please...
No, no, maybe I'm not perfect,
but I'm a good person.
I love my children.
I like my husband.
And there are worse things
than occasionally using
a swear word.
I'm out of here.
Guys, I'm worried
about the baby.
He's hardly touched
any of his birdseed.
Are you sure
we're shaking him enough?
I'm home!
Yeah!
I missed you guys so much.
I'm so sorry
I had that little meltdown.
But, more than that,
I'm sorry
I left you guys on your own.
This is where I want to be.
Is that okay with you guys?
Of course, Lois.
Everyone's glad you're home,
except for
mean older brother Buzz,
who never says anything nice.
Uh-oh. Here he is now.
Hey, Lois.
Pretty cool you're back.
Aw, I guess he's not such
a bad guy after all.
Also, America should only accept
white immigrants.
Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy.
Well, I am so happy to be home.
But there's one little guy
I missed most of all.
Where's my baby?
♪ ♪
Stewie,
i-it's me.
I'm home.
♪ ♪
Mommy!
- Whoa.
- Wow.
It's Stewie's second word!
Oh, my God!
His second word was me!
"Mommy."
Oh, I love you, Stewie!
Ooh, ooh.
Say that again for Instagram.
Well, well, I guess
he doesn't feel like it anymore.
- Mommy!
- Ah!
Say it again!
Say "Mommy" again for Instagram.
All right.
I tried.
Mommy!
Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal
that your second word
was "Mommy."
Makes me think
you don't want to kill her
and maybe you love her.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, that's what I wanted you
to think.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
I scammed you, man.
Took you for a ride, Jack.
You thought you were a big wheel
till you found out
squares don't roll, man.
Dig this, hep cat.
The Stew-man spun you round
like a Bill Evans 45.
Wait, what's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening,
Brian.
The whole family's becoming Jack
Kerouac's insufferable friends.
No one wants us at
their apartment party, ya dig?
Get hip to that, daddy,
or skit-scat out of the house.
We don't know
how to end these shows anymore,
so we just do nonsense.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
God, the Clam sucks
on Saturday mornings.
It's all just weird
foreign sports fans,
like those Pakistani
cricket hooligans.
If you are not rooting
for Lahore,
please you may leave,
I can tell you!
Lahore cricketers are the best,
and the others are not the best,
dear friends.
I'm for Karachi, but I don't
got a death wish about it.
Guys, what's wrong with us?
It's Saturday morning,
and we're drinking in a bar.
We should be drinking at
the Goodwill donation dumpster.
- Why come?
-'Cause right now's
when all the yard sales end.
We can get first pick
of the abandoned leftovers.
That's a stupid idea.
There's not gonna
be anything good
in that dumpster.
What if I told you
everything I'm wearing right now
I found in that dumpster?
Is that a bachelorette sash?
Scott said I could do hand stuff
this weekend, but that's it.
I told you this is stupid.
There's nothing good in here.
Hey, look...
A pair of working legs.
Dibs on these.
Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire!
Joe, I said dibs.
No, no, you're right.
You said dibs.
Whoa. Check it out.
A Sorry! board game.
Let me see it.
- Three pieces missing.
- How'd you do that?
I can shake anything and
figure out what all's in there.
You got 11 periods left.
Cool. VHS of Eraserhead.
This'll be good for when
I never want to sleep again.
Holy crap.
Wha-What? What is it?
A Magic 8 Ball!
This thing can tell the future.
No, it can't, Peter.
It's just a stupid toy.
I don't know. Let's test it.
Will there be snow
this Christmas?
Oh, my God, the ball is right.
I should ask again later.
How did it know that?
Guys, from now on,
I am living my life
according to the Magic 8 Ball.
It will lead me
like the shorebird
that led the first Pilgrims
to Boston.
Ahoy!
Are you looking to build a city
where sports fans
can be notoriously racist?
Yeah, and can we also ruin
"Sweet Caroline"
- for everyone else?
- Absolutely.
Can our airport security people
be responsible for 9/11?
And can our own 9/11 be, like,
one one-thousandth as bad,
but we'll still make
a fricking movie about it?
I think I know just the place.
Okay, I don't know
if this is gonna be a problem,
but we forgot
to bring the letter "R."
No problem at all.
Right this way,
large-faced whites!
Let's go, Red Sox!
Let's go, Red Sox!
What is that?
It's my Magic 8 Ball.
This is the first black ball
that Kim Kardashian
hasn't played with.
Why is it filled with the blue
liquid from tampon commercials?
That's a very gross question,
Meg.
You may take your breakfast
in the attic.
That question aside, I'm having
a blast with my new 8 Ball.
It knows everything. Watch.
Magic 8 Ball,
will my middle-of-the-highway
puppet show be a success?
Well, I'll show this thing.
How'd it go, Dad?
I don't know, Sparky.
What did you think?
The performance was
a little flat.
Magic 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.
Should I sniff
my coworker's hair?
He told me to do it!
Mr. Griffin,
if a Magic 8 Ball asked you
to jump off a building,
would you do that, too?
Did it?
No, I'm just using that
as an example of...
I listened to the toy!
Magic 8 Ball,
what's the best e-mail provider?
"Outlook good." Interesting.
He's not raving about it,
but it's a solid choice.
Let's go, Peter.
Time for church.
Mom said they're gonna serve
Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.
Lois... church?
Who am I supposed to worship...
Jesus?
This is my god now.
Watch your mouth, Peter.
Sorry, Lois, but my religion
is now the 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball,
is the Fox network sustainable
in this new streaming world?
No. No!
Kim, what's wrong?
A black ball went to waste.
Are you streaming Mindhunter
in church?
I'm trying to stream
Mindhunter in church.
Freaking guest Wi-Fi.
You know
the priest gets the good Wi-Fi.
And yea, the Lord said...
Whoa, whoa.
Mindhunter's going in.
I mean...
Thou art the children
of Abraham, and thou shalt...
He's playing you!
You think you're playing him?
He's playing you.
I hate this.
When do I get my cookie?
I just want my cookie
so I can go home.
Now please join me
in silent prayer.
And as we settle
into the silence,
I remind you that...
In honor of Lent...
Today's coffee service will not
include Chewy Chips Ahoy.
Hey, Stewie said his first word.
And it was a swear.
Well, this is unacceptable.
We have to leave right now
and go straight to breakfast.
Unbelievable.
Let's go!
I can't believe Stewie
finally said his first word
and it ends up being... that.
Right now, every woman in my
mommy wine group is judging me.
I may have to start
drinking wine at home alone.
-Start?
-Not the day for it, Chris!
Not the day!
I don't get it, Stewie.
You've been talking forever.
Why did everyone suddenly
understand you now?
I don't know.
I was feeling so much
intense emotion in the moment,
and that one word somehow
just burst through.
Yeah, but now what?
Everyone can understand you?
I don't think so.
Not unless I'm yelling something
I feel strongly about.
Greta Gerwig
is a national treasure!
See? Nothing.
I guess I'm not feeling it.
I don't know.
What if that's the only thing
I'll ever be able to express?
Anger. What kind
of a person would I be then?
Larry David, Lewis Black,
a Trump voter,
everyone on Twitter.
But I don't want
to be any of those things.
They've got to hear me.
Ice cream! Lollipop!
Bubbles! Kitty cat!
Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool!
Fire truck! Goldfish!
Finger paint!
Lois, what are you doing here?
What do you mean?
You invited us.
Sorry, but we can't
have Stewie here.
I brought my own veggie burgers,
but I'm not gonna make
a big deal about it.
What with his profanity and all,
I don't think
Stewie would be a good influence
on the other children.
Is there a designated spot
on the grill
for the veggie burgers?
And again, not a big deal.
You're saying
that because of a swear word,
my son isn't good enough
for your pool party?
It's a little bit
about him swearing,
but mostly
about you as a parent.
Kevin, I said, no arrows!
Crossbows don't shoot arrows.
They shoot bolts, dumbass!
Okay, sweetie.
Hey, Dad, did you hear
what Einstein called bolts?
I heard it.
Brian, shut off the television.
It's ruined my baby!
What are you talking about?
Stewie obviously learned
to swear from some TV show.
No, he didn't. The only show
he watches is Caillou.
Well, then that little
French-Canadian weirdo
is the potty mouth,
I'm sure of it.
And I'm willing to watch every
single episode just to prove it.
Caillou was upset.
Why am I bald?
I'm not a baby. I'm four.
Are kids just bald in Canada?
So Caillou decided
to look himself up on Wikipedia.
God, this is dull.
Maybe I'm supposed
to be a cancer survivor,
and this show is very inspiring.
But Caillou
wasn't a cancer survivor.
The show's creators
just made a weird choice.
Caillou's
low-testosterone father
again indulged
Caillou's tantrum,
clearly trying
to raise a sociopath.
It's okay, Caillou.
I'll bake you a pie.
He said, his body flooding
with estrogen.
Lois?
Are you dead?
Can I eat you?
- Huh? What?
- Ah, another time.
Oh. I-I, um... I watched
that Caillou, and you're right.
Stewie didn't learn that word
from Caillou.
That means he learned it
from someone in this house.
- Okay.
- And I will find out who.
I'm gonna set a trap
and lure the swearer
into revealing himself.
That sounds hard.
Oh, I will find the swearer.
Dad, why are we sitting
on the washing machine?
Because in Canada,
men have vaginas.
Hey, what's with the stairs?
Why do they look different?
Oh, I'm trying to prove
that Peter's the one
cussing in the house,
so I waxed the staircase
for him to fall down.
Hey, Lois, have you seen
my Spider-Man socks?
I can't seem to...
Ouch. Oh, heavens.
Oh, goodness gracious.
That's smarts. Oh, my.
Egad. Well, I'll be.
Yikes.
Peter, when did you
become so polite?
Oh, I've been hanging out
with Caillou's beta dad.
In fact,
I'm meeting him at the park
to eat unsalted saltines
on the swings.
I feel like you're wearing
what Rachel Maddow
would wear to a pumpkin patch.
Lois couldn't find the swearer,
nor could she remove the voice
of the grating Caillou narrator
from her head.
Make it stop!
Not until you kill them all,
Lois.
Oh, crap.
It's the lady
with the baby who cussed.
Turn out the lights.
Shh. Quiet, quiet.
H-Hello?
Hello! I know you're in there!
We're closed!
I know you're not closed.
I see the Instacart people
in there
emotionlessly filling up
their baskets.
We're a family establishment,
so take your foul-mouthed baby
and go away!
Please, let me in!
I can only poop
behind a punch-code door!
There's something
about the beeps.
It gets things moving!
It's very secure!
Go away!
You can't do this!
When a mom is shunned
by groceries,
she has nothing!
Please!
Aah! It's those antibacterial
wipes for the shopping carts!
It's burning my eyes!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
I-It's me.
I'm the swearer.
Oh, God.
I'm ruining my child!
Lois was sad,
but not as sad
as she was going to be
when she realizes she has
to use those ouchie wipes
to make a potty next
to the store dumpster.
I feel so awful.
I've corrupted my baby
with my foul language
and my terrible anger.
I'm so sorry that happened,
Lois.
And Lofthouse cookies
weren't available
at any other grocery store?
Don't worry, Dad.
I Instacarted some.
Here's your stuff.
Thank you. Have a good night.
No.
Anyway, the point is
I have to deal with my anger
and fix myself.
So I've decided to attend
this relaxation retreat
at Vista del Vista Resort.
Uh, gosh,
I don't know about that, Lois.
It sounds really expensive.
No, I guess you're right.
There's no way we can afford it.
Plus, if I go,
that means I won't be here
to help out around the house
or feed you guys
or monitor your Internet usage
every day...
- You should go.
- Yeah, Mom,
you should go, for sure.
Because they want to masturbate,
you see.
Okay.
Uh, I don't know what that was,
but, Lois, you should go
to that resort.
Go relax and fix yourself.
Really?
You guys'll be okay
while I'm gone?
Sure. We'll have fun!
Just like that time me and Chris
went Jet Ski'ing.
Yeah! This is awesome!
I know, right?
Oh, my God!
It's okay, Chris.
I'm sure that was the only one.
Dolphins swim alone.
Okay, maybe we should turn back.
No.
Kill every last one of them.
Chris and I never spoke
of that day.
But whenever somebody talks
about how smart dolphins are,
Chris and I look
at each other like,
"No."
♪ You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate
the positive ♪
♪ E-lim-i-nate the negative ♪
♪ And latch on ♪
♪ To the affirmative. ♪
Lois Griffin? My name is Roger,
and I'll be guiding
this relaxation adventure
for you
and the other white women,
plus an Asian woman who has
a white husband back home.
I feel more relaxed already.
Now sit down and enjoy some
spa music that's mostly rain.
Hey, guys, can we take it
from the rain again?
Well, Chris and Meg
are off to school.
Guess it's just you and me now.
You want a Popsicle?
Huh?
Breakfast Popsicle?
Whoa, there's vodka in here.
Now, what... Uh, now, what is...
Now, what... what did you want?
What...
Let's go play in the hot yard.
I'm two and a half hours late
for preschool.
Your dad...
What... Who wants milk?
L-Let me quick just check
in the freezer.
You-you burger.
Here-Here's your veggie burger.
It'll thaw out.
It... You s-suck on it.
It'll thaw out nice.
All right, I'm out of here.
Ah, this is the perfect amount
of drunk
for a Filet-O-Fish.
♪ ♪
Hey.
I'm, um, Trey Headband,
and I'm your dumb
yoga instructor?
Yoga is, um, good?
And from, um, like, China?
Ready? Go.
Go what?
What?
Y-You didn't tell us what to do.
Awesome. You guys did great.
Let's take a break.
Who's got yoga questions?
Oh, I have a question.
What does "namaste" mean?
I don't know.
I've never heard of that.
But do you guys remember
OP shorts?
What does that have to do
with yoga?
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
those were pretty rad.
You guys are doing really good.
Keep going.
I'm gonna go
to that bathroom right there
and do explosive diarrhea.
Just be quiet and meditate now.
Right on?
Just, like,
be one with the silence.
If you hear a sound,
just, um, rec-knowledge it
and then, like, let it go?
Meditation doesn't have
diarrhea sounds.
All right, let's check in
on Peter and the baby.
Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy
to mow this very rocky backyard.
So I'll just put you in this
baby seat you've grown out of,
right where the rocks
are gonna fly.
Wait, what?
Hang on! Stop!
- Aah!
- Uhp, there we go.
Wow, that's a lot of rocks.
Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off!
Uhp, the voles are back.
You can tell
from all the very many rocks.
Look at 'em fly!
Still think moving
was such a bad idea?
I don't know.
Do we still live
with your mother?
Good morning, everyone.
Let me start
with another friendly reminder
to please not flush
your feminine products.
The yard over the septic tank
out back
looks like
a Braveheart battlefield.
Okay. Now it's time for everyone
to choose a mantra.
What's that?
It's like a word you say
that brings you peace.
A special word.
A word of release and catharsis.
You mean like?
Now, now, Lois,
let's keep things acceptable.
I mean, I'm just saying...
I already have a word
that does all those things
when I say it.
And that word is...
Yes, we heard the word!
Lois, please...
No, no, maybe I'm not perfect,
but I'm a good person.
I love my children.
I like my husband.
And there are worse things
than occasionally using
a swear word.
I'm out of here.
Guys, I'm worried
about the baby.
He's hardly touched
any of his birdseed.
Are you sure
we're shaking him enough?
I'm home!
Yeah!
I missed you guys so much.
I'm so sorry
I had that little meltdown.
But, more than that,
I'm sorry
I left you guys on your own.
This is where I want to be.
Is that okay with you guys?
Of course, Lois.
Everyone's glad you're home,
except for
mean older brother Buzz,
who never says anything nice.
Uh-oh. Here he is now.
Hey, Lois.
Pretty cool you're back.
Aw, I guess he's not such
a bad guy after all.
Also, America should only accept
white immigrants.
Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy.
Well, I am so happy to be home.
But there's one little guy
I missed most of all.
Where's my baby?
♪ ♪
Stewie,
i-it's me.
I'm home.
♪ ♪
Mommy!
- Whoa.
- Wow.
It's Stewie's second word!
Oh, my God!
His second word was me!
"Mommy."
Oh, I love you, Stewie!
Ooh, ooh.
Say that again for Instagram.
Well, well, I guess
he doesn't feel like it anymore.
- Mommy!
- Ah!
Say it again!
Say "Mommy" again for Instagram.
All right.
I tried.
Mommy!
Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal
that your second word
was "Mommy."
Makes me think
you don't want to kill her
and maybe you love her.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, that's what I wanted you
to think.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
I scammed you, man.
Took you for a ride, Jack.
You thought you were a big wheel
till you found out
squares don't roll, man.
Dig this, hep cat.
The Stew-man spun you round
like a Bill Evans 45.
Wait, what's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening,
Brian.
The whole family's becoming Jack
Kerouac's insufferable friends.
No one wants us at
their apartment party, ya dig?
Get hip to that, daddy,
or skit-scat out of the house.
We don't know
how to end these shows anymore,
so we just do nonsense.