Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 6 - Peter & Lois' Wedding - full transcript

When the Wi-Fi goes out, Peter and Lois tell the kids the story of how they met and fell in love in this spoof of the 90s sitcom "Friends" and everything else 90s.

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Good evening, Quahog.
Our top story:

a local Yankee fan's dream
comes true



when he's diagnosed
with Lou Gehrig's disease.

But first...

Hey, the TV went out.

OTHERS:
Huh.

Oh, my God, the Wi-Fi is out.

(screaming, shouting)

(grunting)

Okay, everyone calm down.

I know
how we'll get through this.

This is the story of
the greatest trilogy ever told,

The Mighty Ducks.

It was a time
of great nonsense.

Dad, why don't you tell us
how you and Mom

fell in love and got married?



And in go the earbuds.

Terrific episode idea, Meg.

Well, it was the 1990s,

the decade of Viagra
but also Lorena Bobbitt,

so it was kind of
a yay-boo period for penises.

After graduating, your mom
and me moved to the city

with all our friends.

(90s-style sitcom theme playing)

(four claps)

I lived with my best friends,
Quagmire and Cleveland.

We were the kind of friends
who were all good-looking,

except for David Schwimmer.

And your mom lived
across the hall

with her friends Bonnie and...

uh, Bonnie.

God, we desperately need to get

more female characters
in this show.

I was the Chandler.

Not because
of my sarcastic zingers

but because I liked
to take 40 Vicodin a day.

Guys, I've got big news.

Tell 'em, Quagmire.

I got a promotion
at Blockbuster!

- (gasping)
- (clapping four times)

Gleonard Quagmire,
that is fantastic news!

I know, right?
You know how I always felt

like I was stuck in second gear?

Well, this is a new gear!

Well, congratulations, Glenn!

This calls for a fountain dance.

(90s-style sitcom theme playing)

PETER: I was the least graceful
at fountain dancing.

I just swung my arms
and tried to fit in.

It was senseless.
We were in our clothes,

for God's sake.
Everyone got wet.

It was cold. You know,

there were
originally nine friends,

but three of 'em died
of pneumonia.

I'm still haunted

by Chad's shivering last words,

"Don't let Monica get Botox."

? ?

We also hung out at
our favorite caf?, Perk Place,

where we would all sweat
like crazy

'cause everyone in the '90s
wore turtlenecks,

vests, and Jamiroquai hats.

Lois, you look down.
What's wrong?

Brad Pitt broke up with me
in a pretty public way.

I just don't know
if I'll ever date again.

Wait, I thought you and Dad
dated in high school.

Did you break up?

Uh-uh, story's not over, Meg.
Settle down.

Your father and I had dated
for a few years,

but I didn't know
if it was going anywhere.

So we decided to take a break
but remained close friends.

I actually briefly dated one
of our roommates, Barry.

He was one of them
what the fountain took.

My father had planned out
my whole life for me.

He wanted me to marry one
of Quahog's up-and-comers,

Tom Tucker, Elmer Hartman,

Seamus or Billy Zane.

? It's meeting
the man of my dreams ?

? And then meeting
his beautiful wife ?

? And isn't it ironic ?

? Don't you think? ?

? It's like rain... ?

? On your wedding day. ?

Alanis Morissette was America's
sweetheart in the '90s.

She went on to become one
of the CDs in the garage.

CHRIS:
Wait, Seamus had arms and legs?

LOIS:
Chris, I'm not sure
you have the green light

to just chime in whenever.

Lois, let's go take a midnight
swim at Sharkbite Cove.

Oh, sounds wonderful, Seamus,

but I have other plans.

Okay, well,
I'm definitely going.

? ?

Peter, why don't you admit it?

You still got the hots for Lois.

It's obvious.

Nah, we're broken up.

We're just friends now.

(four claps)

Looking back,
I realize he was right.

But the '90s was
an exciting time,

and we wanted to experience
all it had to offer.

Hey, guys,
there's a great concert

in World Trade Center Plaza
this weekend!

Really? Who's playing?

They got Korn,
Cranberries and Cake.

Oh, that sounds delicious.
But who are the bands?

They're opening with Cake.

Wait, shouldn't cake be last?
It's a dessert.

Korn is last.
Korn is a bigger draw than Cake.

Corn is not a bigger draw
than cake.

- Cake is delicious.
- "No Doubt"?

Well, I'm glad
you agree with me, Quagmire,

but that still doesn't address
this issue of the order.

My last show
was a Weezer concert.

Well, that's 'cause
everyone smokes nowadays.

What band did we see last time
at the Palladium?

It was, uh, Blur.

Yeah, I can't remember, either.

It was a very confusing time
in music.

Okay, time for another scene.

Let's transition
with a '90s guitar sting

that's way too long.

(90s-style sitcom theme playing)

(four claps)

? ?

(four claps)

- CHRIS: Dad, what...
- PETER: H-Hang on, Chris.

It's not done yet.

? ?

(music ends)

Okay, there we go.

CHRIS:
What'd you do for a living,
Dad?

PETER:
What any of us did
never really mattered.

It was just "vague business."

But despite having broken up,

I would sometimes sneak away
to the Internet

to go flirt with your mom.

Well, I'm gonna go move my bangs
with my pinky

in front of the mirror.

- AOL GUY: Welcome!
- PETER: Shh, shh, shh, shh!

- You've got mail!
- Okay, good, but quiet.

You've got male porn!

Shh, shh, shh!

Peter, quit trying to flirt with
that clearly girlfriend of yours

and come watch giant box TV
with us!

PETER:
We all watched The X-Files,

which would be
Fox's last hit show.

And it was the heyday
of the multi-camera sitcom,

and Paul Reiser, its king,

was must-see.

Perhaps I'll try this yogurt.

That's been in there
since our wedding.

(groans)
Perhaps... I won't.

(audience laughter)

Peter, admit it.

You're still in love with Lois.

Yeah, every time you see her,
you go, "Schwing!"

Which is, like, the sound

of being lifted by a boner,
I think.

Yeah, but we decided
we wanted to see other people.

That's only 'cause she got tired
of waiting around for you.

Look, she loves you,

but she ain't gonna wait around
forever.

I knew they were right.

Your mom was the only one

I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with.

So I saved my money,
and, a few months later,

I bought a ring.

So, did you enjoy
your pesto with pesto?

Does this smile
give you your answer?

Lois, there's something
I want to ask you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Peter,
I'm-I'm so sorry, but...

I'm already engaged
to Tom Tucker.

Passed over for Tom Tucker?

That's terrible.

What do you think of that,
fellow '90s star Joey Lawrence?

- Meh.
- Oh. Huh.

Okay, well, what would you think
if I told you

that Blossom would completely
drop out of show business

to get a PhD in neuroscience

and then come back
and make $15 million a year,

while you would work steadily
for 20 years,

lose all your hair
and go bankrupt?

- Whoa!
- (chuckles): There it is!

Yeah, that's the--
that's the thing I wanted.

Where's Dad?

AOL GUY:
You've got male porn!

Peter, get in here
and finish the story!

Sorry, I was just watching
some guy take it in the AOL.

Goodbye.

All right, where were we?

Mom just said
she got engaged to Tom Tucker?

Well, deep down,
I knew I loved your father,

but I guess I just caved
to my father's pressure.

And on my 28th birthday,

he introduced me
to my future husband.

(tribal music playing)

(music ends)

(high-pitched):
? He's your king-to-be ?

? A king to be forever ?

? A king who'll do whatever ?

? Her Highness ?

? Desires ?

? He's your king-to-be... ?

Thanks, Ollie.

Good afternoon, Lois.
I'm Tom Tucker,

your king-to-be.

In other news,

President Clinton sent me
a congratulatory cigar,

but it's a little moist.

PETER:
Well, I wasn't gonna give up
that easily.

So I decided I was gonna do
the most powerful thing

you could do in the '90s:

make a mixtape.

Again, Peter,
it's your mixtape,

but you've got "Cotton Eye Joe"
as song number two,

number four, seven and eight.

You think it should be
number three as well?

No!

I made it number three as well.

Oh, Peter, I got to say,

the fourth and fifth time
I heard "Cotton Eye Joe,"

it really got to me.

LOIS:
I was so happy.

I knew Peter was the one

I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with.

But I dreaded having
to tell my father.

Luckily, he was remarkably
understanding about it.

I've decided to be remarkably
understanding about this.

Really?

Yes. And to prove it,

I'm going to pay
for Peter's bachelor party

at the MTV Beach House.

And I promise
it's not part of a ruse

to destroy your affection
for Peter once and for all.

Oh, Daddy, thank you!

PETER:
I was thrilled.

Not only was
Carter letting me marry Lois,

but this was gonna be
the ultimate bachelor party.

The MTV Beach House was located

in the most hepatitis-rich part
of Florida,

known as Florida.

Whassup?!

(chuckles)
Commercials.

No skipping those yet.

We partied the same way
everyone in the '90s did,

spaced apart by a few feet,

dancing on our own.

JOE:
Yeah, I was pretty much
the coolest guy there.

With the best legs.

There were these other idiots
there having a bachelor party,

but I didn't know 'em.
They were losers.

- PETER: Joe?
- JOE: Who's that? Peter?

PETER:
Yeah, get out of my story.
What the hell are you doing?

JOE:
I'm telling the story of
my days at the MTV Beach House.

You get out of my story!

I'm about to tell
how I met Daria.

So, you partying hard
or hardly partying?

Hardly interested.

You're mean!

(Daria theme playing)

? La-la-la-la-la ?

? La-la-la-la-la. ?

PETER:
I even got to meet my heroes,

Mark McGrath, Pauly Shore
and Jamie Kennedy,

and we became friends.

Guys, come be in my wedding.

Then we can all enter the 2000s
together as friends.

Sorry, Peter,
but we can't go with you.

We're not allowed
in the 2000s.

Yeah, we have to stay back here
in the '90s.

Goodbye, Peter.

PETER:
And then,

they all walked into the sea
and disappeared forever.

Tell the world about us!

PETER:
I planned to,

but then I found
a half-eaten hot dog

that only had a little bit
of sand on it.

And most of the sand
was very brushable.

You can pretty much wash
a hot dog with soap and water,

and you can still eat it.

I danced for eight hours
straight on The Grind,

occasionally going
into the pool to pee.

Also, for some reason,
I was the only guy

-a bee was following
the whole time.
-(buzzing)

Maybe it was 'cause of the
Country Time Lemonade powder

I'd been eating,
or 'cause me and Quagmire

were huckin' Capri Suns
at each other.

But little did I know,
while I was dancing

and periodically
peeing in the pool,

Carter was orchestrating a plan

to destroy my relationship
with your mom once and for all.

Hey, you're Daisy Fuentes.

Oh, that's how
I say my last name.

You're the hottest girl
of 1990-this.

I've got a proposition for you.

(whispering)

Hey, there. You're all that
and a bag of chips.

What a cool phrase.

I hope it never sounds dumb
and dated.

(both grunt)

(crowd cheering, whistling)

(Daisy grunting)

Look, Peter's wrestling
with Daisy Foo-en-taze!

(indistinct chatter)

(both grunting)

(Daisy grunts)

PETER:
It all happened so fast.

Oh. We're having fun
'cause it's not 9/11 yet. Mmm.

PETER:
But the next thing I knew,

I was kissing Daisy Fuentes.

And it was
on national television.

LOIS:
I was home doing
what girls did at the time--

looking at pictures
of John Elway.

(sighs)
My horse-toothed dreamboat.

Denver looks beautiful.

(gasps)
Peter?! How could you?!

LOIS:
My heart shattered
the moment I saw it.

I took your father's mixtape
and hucked it into the ocean.

Right then and there, I vowed
I would never see him again.

(laughs)

She said "wood."

(laughs)

That was cool.

Yeah. Wood! Wood!

You're right! Wood.

(laughter)

(laughter continues)

(laughter)

Daddy, tell us more
about the black '90s.

Well, Magic Johnson got AIDS,
and I was like, "What?!"

But then, he came back the
next season and scored 30 points

in a game
where no one would touch him.

And he caught it through
heterosexual sex contact?

Well, that is magic.

(laughs)
Terrific. Thank you, Cleveland.

And thank you
to the entire Brown family,

whose last name escapes me
at the moment.

(laughs)
Terrific.

Thanks, Dad.

Now back to your story.

I had just lost the love
of my life.

So as a way to forget my pain,

I threw myself into
a dot-com startup with Quagmire.

We were two ambitious
young entrepreneurs

at the height
of the dot-com bubble.

Oogle? Goo goo?

Gah-gah goo?
Gee-gee goo? Go... go go?

Keep saying baby words, Peter.
You're onto something.

We're close. We're circling it!

Goo-goo gah-gah? Oo... oogle?
Ooh eee ooh ah ah?

Moments late, we'd found
a business idea destined

to change the tech world
forever: Googoogle.

A search engine for all
the info on the Goo Goo Dolls.

People are always gonna need
information about them!

PETER:
We were on our way.

We rented office space,

and watching it gave us
the idea to rent office space.

(laughs)
Lumbergh.

(elevator bell dings)

Uh, clearly,
we hadn't discussed the, uh,

tone of our work environment.

I should say we haven't.

I thought this was
to be a place of business.

We got over
our initial differences,

and then spent
the rest of the day doing

what everybody did
in the '90s--

debating what was better--
Forrest Gump or Pulp Fiction.

Forrest Gump is ridiculous!

One guy does what he's told all
the time and makes millions.

But a girl goes off, tries to be
different, gets AIDS, and dies!

I find your argument shallow
and pedantic.

I didn't see either one.

I saw Ace Ventura 50 times.

Laughed so hard, I crapped
myself in the theater.

Just thinking
about it now makes me...

(laughs)

- (loud flatulence)
- Ow!

LOIS:
Meanwhile, my wedding plans

with Tom Tucker were back on.

Are you ready?
I can't believe

the wedding is
just two scenes away.

What's wrong, sweetie?

I guess I'm just not sure
if I'm doing the right thing.

What if this is a mistake?

Trust me, you're doing the right
thing. It's gonna be great.

Now, listen, we don't have too
much time before the wedding,

so I want to go over something

regarding
the father-daughter dance.

It goes, "Dallah-hollah
wallah-ballah-dallah Macarena,

wakka-lakka-chakka-hakka-bakka
Macarena."

Daddy, I don't think

"The Macarena" is
the best father-daughter dance.

Well, how about another song
from the '90s?

? Casey would waltz
with the strawberry blonde ?

? And the band played on... ?

What? Wrong '90s?

? ?

PETER:
Like everything stupid

in the '90s,
Googoogle took off.

We celebrated in grand
dot-com bubble fashion:

by having
an outrageous yacht party

with lobster fights
and hookers.

We did Ecstasy,
which was terrible for you,

and only ever
made me feel fantastic.

Kids, don't do it.
It's too awesome.

They said it would burn a hole
in your brain,

- but show me the hole.
- LOIS: Peter, that's enough.

PETER:
If you hate pure,
unconditional love

and experiencing the profound
harmony of the universe,

definitely do not
try this drug.

There's also, like,
a 90% chance you'll hook up,

but really, no, don't do it.

Even if you don't hook up,
you don't care.

But you'll hook up, guaranteed.

LOIS:
Okay, Peter, let's move on.

CHRIS:
And what was the name
of that drug?

PETER:
But despite our success,

something was missing.

Peter, we did it!

What's the matter?
You still sad about Brandon Lee?

Yeah. I never heard of him
before he died,

but when he died, it was so sad.

But also, it's Lois.

She's getting married tomorrow.

Somehow, all this success
feels meaningless,

knowing I'm about
to lose her forever.

Peter, then you need
to stop that wedding

before it's too late.

But we've got a business to run.

You don't care
about this business.

All you've ever cared about
is Lois.

This is your last shot.

Peter, you get to that wedding.

PETER:
They were right.

So I decided to get there

the way everyone got around
in the '90s--

propelled by an explosion.

(loud explosion)

(organ music playing)

Do you, Lois
Commondenominator Pewterschmidt,

accept this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

(all gasping)

Peter? What the hell
are you doing here?!

Lois, can I talk to you
privately?

(loud explosion)

What is it, Peter?

Before you marry Tom, what's
the Mortal Kombat blood code?

I keep forgetting.

It's "A-B-A-C-A-B-B,"
but you can't do this now!

You're ruining my wedding!

Lois, if I didn't come here,

I'd regret it
for the rest of my life.

I know I screwed up,
and I don't deserve you,

but I can't stop thinking
about you, day and night.

It's been this way
since the day we met.

I fell in love with you then,
and I'll never stop.

Unless Daisy Fuentes
felt something?

DAISY:
Uh, I didn't.

Lois, you're the only woman
for me.

He cheated on you!

No daughter of mine is going
to marry a cheater!

Daddy's right.

Peter, I'm sorry,
but you blew it.

I was in love with you, too,
but then you cheated on me.

You kissed Daisy Fuentes.

Lois, there's something
you should know.

He didn't kiss me.
I kissed him.

Because you felt something?

Because Carter paid me.

Well, that's something!

Daddy... is that true?

I only did it to protect you
from making a huge mistake!

Lois, I may not be
as smart or as handsome

as the guys
your dad wants for you,

but I love you more
than all of 'em put together.

That's a fact.
Just as sure

as the Star Wars movies are
a perfect isolated trilogy,

unmarred by additional canon.

Oh, Peter!

(organ plays "Wedding March")

- Damn it, stop them!
- PETER: One by one,

members of Lois' family tried
to stop me, but I laid 'em out.

There's something
about punching someone

-in a church
that just feels good.
-(yelling)

(bell tolling)

(loud explosion)

Cleveland picked us up
in a white Bronco.

(tires squealing)

Why did you have
a white Bronco, Daddy?

I was driving
my innocent friend O.J.

and his ex-wife's head
down to Mexico.

PETER:
We eloped at Fenway Park,

which I paid 50 grand
to rent out

the day before
the dot-com bubble burst.

I now pronounce this
the last straight marriage.

- (both moaning)
- PETER: And I think

I got swindled
on the Fenway deal

because there was a game
that night.

- (bat clacks)
- STADIUM ANNOUNCER: It's a hit!

No! That would have been
the game-winning run!

The Red Sox lose.

ALL:
Boo!

LOIS:
I was having serious regrets

about my decision, but was
already pregnant with Meg,

so there was no backing out.

ALL:
Boo!

(bee buzzing)

This bee's chasing me!
Somebody call Ace Ventura!

- (laughs)
- (loud flatulence)

Ow!

(both laughing)

(all three laughing)

Aw.

Wow, Mom and Dad. I feel like
I learned so much tonight.

And not just about you guys,
but also about the '90s.

Oh, there's a lot more to learn
about the '90, Meg.

Like, for instance,
are you familiar

with a band called
"Counting Crows"?

I think I might have heard them
in a Starbucks.

Yes, you have.

Anyway, their lead singer is
this thing called Adam Duritz.

He looks like if Marc Maron
had sex with a scarecrow

and gave birth
to a baby made of hemp.

I always thought
he looked like the Cowardly Lion

in a suburban white high school
production of The Wiz.

- That's not what that is?
- No, Chris.

But actually, the joke's on us,

because
this Sideshow Bob burnout slept

with a primo roster
of '90s tail.

- Jennifer Aniston.
- No.

- Courteney Cox.
- What?!

- Winona Ryder.
- That guy?!

Christina Applegate,
Lara Flynn Boyle, Emmy Rossum.

Ooh, this is just
making me angry.

- Mary-Louise Parker.
- I hear she's difficult.