Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 15 - Baby Stewie - full transcript

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

What's up, fellas?
What can I get you guys tonight?

- Beer.
- Beer.



- Beer.
- I'll have just, like, a...

a chicken salad or something.

- What?
- Chicken salad.

Or whatever's easiest.

Probably chicken salad.

Hey, uh, Jerome, can you give us
a minute to discuss this

as a group?

Quagmire, excuse
my Wisconsin mouth, but...

(Wisconsin accent): why the heck
are you not drinkin',

for cripes' sake?

Are you doing the keto diet
so you lose a bunch of weight

and it makes you look
like you got a mascot head?

No, I'm on medication,
so I can't drink, okay?

And I'm not gonna say
what it's for.



I'll-I'll just say the
pharmacist whispers it to me.

So you haven't been drinking
all week?

What have you been doing?

Just mostly going to bed early.

Like really early.

Like so early
you still hear people outside

mowing their lawns.

But it's not that bad--
th-there's plenty of sober stuff

- we can do together.
- Ugh, like what? Fly kites?

That's stupid, or is it?
I'm in. I have a kite in my car.

What about an escape room?

If we can't drink, we might
as well lock ourselves in a room

with no windows.

Cleveland, I could kiss you!

My heart says yes,

but my Lord says no.

Hello, puzzlers.
Welcome to my escape room!

For those of you
who've never played before,

the game is simple.

You will all be locked
in identical rooms

where you will solve
a series of puzzles

using clues hidden
around the room.

First family to escape wins!

Will-will there be fractions?

I was told
there would be no fractions.

Well, whoever told you that
was half right.

Eh?

Now, I know what
some of you are thinking.

Yes, I look like a man
who owns domestic rats.

Yes, I do own domestic rats.

Yes, they've eaten
a few of my toes.

Yes, the rats are missing.

Yes, this current talk
is being videotaped

and will be used as my legal
release of responsibility

if aforementioned
toe-eating rats were to nibble,

bite or maul any of
the present participants' toes.

Yes, it's held up
in court before.

Yes, this is the "odd speech"
cited in our Yelp reviews.

But most importantly...

have fun...!

You guys want to bet
on who finishes first? Huh?

I had a night coffee,
so I'm feeling jazzed.

(chuckles); Well, I... I don't
know if we should be betting.

Our family kind of has
an unfair advantage.

I mean, I'm a detective.

- No.
- Okay.

So what?
Peter's made for these games.

He's got a big fat
puzzle-solving brain.

I mean, look at his head.
It's huge!

Look at it!

(chuckles):
Yeah, yeah, look at it.

Hey, Chris, you want an edible?

Meg?!

Yes.

? ?

"Welcome, Detectives."

(laughs)
I love this already.

Uh, "A client needs your help.

"His name is in the address book
in your desk,

"but you can't find the key.

"Try looking
in the last place you left them.

They might be hanging around."

Okay, where do people
leave their keys

when they come into a room?

In the coat on the coat rack.

Oh, oh, I know, I know.
In the corner of the room,

'cause you threw 'em
at a ceiling spider.

Yes! Check there!

We don't need a key.

I'll just yank on
the desk drawer until it opens.

Strength over brains!

(grunting loudly)

Yes! This fat head
is already paying dividends!

(chuckles):
Okay.

(spoon scraping)

It was a trap.

Everything on Groupon is just a
trick to Get Out black people.

Aah, we're sinking.

All right,
the name in the address book

is Anthony Fibonacci.

Phone number:
235-blank-blank-3-

blank-blank-blank-blank.

Those missing numbers are...

Chris, stop picking
your elbow scab.

- It'll never heal.
- It'll heal.

The missing numbers
are what we need

to unlock the keypad
on the door.

Okay. Fibonacci--
that's Italian.

So maybe if I just
start saying Italian stuff,

I'll say the answer.
Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Mario Kart.

Pizza Hut.

Look at those idiots.
Their thought process

always involves food
or cultural stereotypes.

PETER:
Hitting a kid
with a wooden spoon.

I mean, the answer is obvious.

I know. Totally.

Oh, oh, you're waiting for me
to keep going.

The name is Fibonacci.

PETER:
Kissing a cross
before you get-a on a airplane.

Fibonacci is also a reference
to a sequence of numbers

where every number
after the first two

is the sum
of the two preceding ones.

It's from The Da Vinci Code,
and the answer is 2-3-5-

8-1-3-2-1-3-4.

Guys, guys, guys,
you're thinking too hard.

The answer is simple.

Fibonacci is the name
of a number man

from The Da Vinci Code,
which was written by Tom Hanks,

so the number is...

(beeping)

(lock clacks)

Yes! That is why you bring a dog
with you everywhere you go.

Even in Target, 'cause
who's gonna tell you you can't?

The dead-eyed employees?

No. No, they won't.

'Cause they're cowards.

Sir? Sir?

What?!

Nothing, it's stupid.
I'm-I'm... I'm sorry.

Hey, Stewie,
we really crushed it last night

in that escape room, huh?

Ugh, don't say "crushed"

like you're trying
to sell me a Range Rover.

I did well, Brian.

You just copied my answer
and took credit.

Whatever, Stewie.
I don't know why

I always need your validation.

I should just let you enjoy
your superior intellect

while you still have it.

What does that mean?

Oh. Did you think you were the
only smart baby in this family?

Chris and Meg were
just as smart as you were.

But once a Griffin hits puberty,

they turn into
a full-blown bozo.

Bozo the Clown?

Yes, of course.
Bozo the Clown.

What other Bozos are there?

I... I don't know,

Bozo the tax accountant?

Well, the good news is, since
you do a sex advice podcast--

which I really like,
by the way-- every time you...

(honks twice)
it's a write-off.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. And not just...

(honks twice)
also...

(blows slide whistle)
and even...

(boinging)

Are you kidding me?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Whoa, what's this?

(electronic beeping, humming)

(whirring, hissing)

(burbling)

(buzzing)

This is my new invention:

a gene-altering device, or GAD.

Josh, if I'm feeling informal.

I thought about
what you said yesterday

about me growing up stupid.

So I decided
to do something about it.

I can't control
the DNA I was given,

but now I can control
the DNA I want to keep.

Stewie, that's crazy.

No, it's not.

Genetic modification is
a real thing.

It's going to change the world,

just like James Taylor
changed rock and roll.

(echoing):
Hello, Martha's Vineyard.

Are you ready to watch me
play guitar on a stool?

MAN:
Yes. Thank you.

No, thank you.

Now, here's a song that's
basically directions to Boston.

All right, I've put in all my
desired genetic modifications.

Any last words before I go in?

Yeah, don't you think
you're being a little dramatic?

Yes. Thank you.

Stewie, I'm serious.
Messing around with your DNA

could have dire consequences.

Haven't you ever seen
the movie Splice?

Yeah, no, and take that Citizen
Kane tone out of your voice.

It's Splice.

Okay. It's time.

(whirring, thumping)

(burbling)

(buzzing)

(beeping)

? As we go on ?

? We remember ?

? All the times we ?

- What are you doing?
- I'm singing to my old self.

? Had together ?

It's a really nice moment
I'm making.

? And as our lives change ?

-? Come whatever ?
-Do you want me to leave?

Shut up!
I timed it to go off when I...

- (whirring growing louder)
- ? We will still be ?

? Friends forever. ?

Thanks a lot, dick.

Did it work?

Doggy. Big doggy.

(mumbling baby talk)

(laughs)

Oh, my God.

I think taking out that DNA
turned you into a regular baby.

Ha! Should've watched
Splice, bro.

Doggy.

Big doggy.

That's right.
The big doggy.

Good evening, folks.

Would you like to hear
tonight's specials?

Bah, bah, bah, bah,
ooh, bah, bah, bah!

That was loud.

So, what's everyone gonna get?

Hey, Chris, watch.
I bet she orders

the eggplant parmesan
like it's something fancy.

I'm thinking
the eggplant parmesan.

It'll be like we're in Italy!

Ha! Our family
should wear uniforms

with "Basic Bitches"
across the front.

What's wrong
with eggplant parmesan?

Nothing.
I was just making a joke.

Stewie and I do it all the time.

Stewie is a baby.

You bad-mouth our family
to the baby?

Forget it.
Forget I said anything.

Mom! Dad!

Brian's talking crap
about you guys to Stewie!

- What?
- No, I wasn't.

Yeah, he was. He said we're
a bunch of basic bitches.

It's kinda true, yo.

Brian, if I was
such a basic bitch,

would I be wearing
solid black umpire's shoes?

Umpires are cool.

They make the rules.

(speaking baby talk)

Water out!

Are umpires not cool?

I'm starting to feel foolish.

Where the hell is my white wine
with Sprite in it?!

Hi again. That man over there
reading a book by himself

has offered to pay for your meal
if you move to a table outside.

You're not the dick
in this situation.

You're paying for their meal,
so you can't be the dick.

- Cup.
- Yeah, cup. Wow.

All right, time to go,
everybody.

What? Where are we going?

My cousin's getting married
this weekend.

Brian, I need your help
with Stewie on the flight.

- Sure, no problem.
- The iPad's broken.

(bleep)

- Brian face.
- Mm-hmm.

- Brian face.
- Yup.

- Brian face.
- Only a few more now.

- (babbling)
- Okay. All right.

Got to be getting tired soon.

You see,
when young kids act out,

what they're really doing
is asking to be heard.

They have very little control
in their lives,

so the key, and I mean key...

is to make them
an active participant

in these decisions.

And once you do that...

you'll see...
a big... difference.

Hi. Can I get some
of those tiny square napkins?

Yeah, like-like
the most you're allowed to give.

Now the bride and groom

would like to share
a moment of silence

to honor the family members
who have passed.

They may not be with us
in person,

but they are with us in spirit.

- STEWIE: Poo-poo.
- BRIAN: No!

We do not touch poo-poo
in this family.

We do not touch poo-poo.

No! Hands up.

That's it.
Now there's no bubbles later.

- STEWIE: Yes, bubbles!
- BRIAN: No bubbles.

- You lost the bubbles.
- STEWIE: Yes, bubbles!

BRIAN:
Maybe you can earn them back.

But as far as I'm concerned,
you've lost the bubbles.

They're gone.
They're probably gone.

Yay, bubbles!

What?!

I think it's time
to change you back, Stewie.

As much as I hated being around
a condescending baby,

I prefer that to a screaming bag
of leaking crap.

Brian face.

All right,
how do I use this thing?

These are all just sketches
of Stewie

with different
Hemsworth haircuts.

It's got to be
on the computer somewhere.

Here.

"Restore original DNA profile."
Yes.

"Would you like to add
a Hemsworth haircut?" No.

"Are you sure?" Yes.

"Really?" Yes.

"Would you like
to first see a photo

of what you're turning down?"
No.

"Too bad."

Just restore DNA.

(hissing, whirring)

Whoops. "Edit, undo."

Uh-oh. "Edit, redo."

My God, I can't get back
to regular Stewie.

What am I gonna do?

I better go rewatch Splice.

? ?

This is
Peter Griffin's Penis Video.

Take one.

Oh, my God.

What do you think, bud?

There's a Q and A
with the cast afterwards.

No.

- No.
- Stewiechu.

No.

Aw, he's gonna hate me
for changing this one.

- STEWIE: Hello?
- Stewie?

STEWIE:
Brian, is my mouth in my butt?

(sniffs)
Yeah, my mouth's in my butt.

- You got to fix this.
- I'm trying.

Brian, where's my butt?

No. No. No.

Brian, you did it.

No. Oh, (bleep)!

Sorry. (bleep)

(growls)

- (screeches)
- (screams)

(snarling)

You can fix this.

You just need a little help.

Just like how Sylvester Stallone

needs help getting ready
in the morning.

So, what are we thinking
this morning?

I don't know. I like big face.

Big, fat face.
Goatee with little, tiny eyes.

Okay. And what about
for your body?

Yeah, you know, veins.
All kinds of veins everywhere.

L-Little rivers everywhere.

(glass breaks)

(snarling)

So, do you think you can help me
get him back to normal?

You came to the right guy.

But first
I'm gonna need a few things.

- Of course, anything.
- Go to the kitchen

and grab
eight to ten dish towels.

Tear 'em in half and lay 'em
on the floor in my room.

Then I need two AA batteries.

After that, go to Shake Shack
and pick up four burgers.

Doesn't matter which ones.
They're all good.

- How is that gonna help?
- You'll see!

Finally, I need you to sew

the long plastic tube
from the vacuum cleaner

- onto this pair of underwear.
- Come on, Chris.

Hey, you came to me, damn it.

I can fix this,
but not if you don't trust me.

Chris? It's been three hours.

Any updates?

You don't want
to be in here, dude.

(Stewie snarling)

Stewie, I need your help.

I know that there's got to be

a part of you inside there
that can understand me,

and maybe Rupert
can help you remember.

Remember Rupert?
He's your best friend

with whom you seem to have
a very sexual past.

(growls)

(grunting softly)

Yes, it's working.

It's Rupert. Nice Rupert.

Stewie loves Rupert.

- (screams)
- (phone rings)

What the hell?

Hello?

- Stewie!
- Uh, no Stewie.

- Stewie!
- No Stewie.

- (knock on door)
- LOIS: Brian,
is Stewie in there?

- Stewie!
- No Stewie. Uh...

LOIS:
His preschool teacher said
he took home the Flat Stanley

- this weekend,
and she needs it back.
- (snarling)

- Stewie!
- LOIS: Open the door.

Uh, no, no, no.
I'll-I'll... I'll find it.

- (knocking on door)
- Stewie!

- No Stewie.
- Hi, Brian.

I got a trampoline.

- Stewie!
- No Stewie.

Fat guys go high.

I don't know how to stop.

-LOIS: Let me in.
Where's Stewie?
-(snarls)

- Stewie!
- No Stewie!

Is this my forever?

Everything is fine.
Just nobody come in or look in.

Stewie was right. I am an idiot.

I wish I could go back to before
this whole thing happened

and tell him he's right.

Wait, I can go back.

Stewie's time machine.

Oh, there he is.
Wish me luck, Flat Stanley.

(beeping)

Or you could
just call me Stanley.

Not make fun of my body.

? ?

Oh, no. What did you do?

A lot. You can't go
in this machine, Stewie.

Removing those parts of your DNA
doesn't make you smarter.

It just turns you
into a regular baby.

That's impossible.
My science is correct.

I know, but I may not have been
telling you the truth

about Chris being a smart baby.

But he solved a Rubik's Cube.

I saw the video.

BRIAN:
I played it in reverse.

He wasn't solving one.

He was eating one.

You're not gonna grow up
to be dumb.

You're gonna grow up to be you.

Who's way smarter than me.

So you're saying that somehow,

all my smooshed-together,
crappy Griffin DNA

is actually what makes me smart?

Yeah, I think so.

I suppose it's possible.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing left to do.

- What's that?
- By traveling back here,

you've created a new timeline.

For everything
to revert back to normal,

you have to drown your past self
in the toilet.

(door opens)

Hey, Stewie.

(grunting)

W-W-Wait, wait, wait,
no, no, sorry.

- Sorry, I have it backwards.
- What?

You're supposed to be drowning
your future self.

You came back.
You're the new timeline.

Oh, come on!

Hey, I said I'm smart.
I'm not perfect.

(gasps, coughing)

Do it. Just do it.

(grunting)

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes.
Yes, this is right.

Well, that was fun,

but it didn't fill
the whole episode.

So, in the Pixar tradition
of killing time,

here's a Family Guy short.

And don't worry,
it won't be that creepy one

where the Chinese mother
eats her baby.

? ?

(chirping)

(humming)

(grunting)

What?

(grunting)

(groans)

(grunting)

Aah.

(grunting)

All right.

(groans)

(sighs)

(phone ringing and buzzing)

(phone chimes)

(groans)