Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 13 - Rich Old Stewie - full transcript
In the future, Stewie is a rich old man enjoying his retirement when Brian brings news about Peter dying.
? It seems today
that all you see ?
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
? On which we used to rely? ?
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
? All the things that make us ?
? Laugh and cry ?
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
? ?
Fart joke.
(sputters)
Sir, you need to get ready
for your lifetime achievement
award ceremony.
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
Remember, sir, I can be
any shape you wish.
Yeah, but you're
already this, so...
(indistinct chatter)
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Beg your pardon.
Coming through.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for coming.
(indistinct chatter)
MAN: What if I told you
you could accumulate
all the wealth
you'd ever want
simply by learning
the secrets of real estate?
Oop, wrong room.
MAN: And then what if
you could use that wealth
to turn yourself
into a Broadway star?
-? ?
-(applause)
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
and 14 other genders
we have now.
I'm Lane Bergan,
the biggest star
of May 2020 and on.
So, if you've only watched TV
up until April of 2020,
my name would be
unfamiliar to you.
Lane Bergan?
What, did Brett Kingston say no?
When the Dwayne Johnson Center
for Confusing Ethnicity
approached me about
hosting this night,
I said it'd be
an honor to bestow upon
Stewart Gilligan Griffin
our Lifetime Achievement Award.
When Stewie invented
the Wipeless Dump,
our rainforests were
hanging on by a thread.
Now, are there too many trees?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Stewart Griffin.
-? ?
-(applause)
Thank you for this
wonderful honor.
(rattling nearby)
It's so wonderful to be
here with all of you.
(rattling continues)
You guys mind stopping
for just one minute?
When I heard I was going
to be receiving this award, I...
(shattering, rattling)
I'm not the person
who yells at waiters,
but maybe everyone
bussing tables can freeze?
I-I don't understand
why I'm the person
who has to be saying this, okay?
Okay, I'll never forget
the first time I...
(liquid pouring,
ice cubes jiggle)
Wow, really?
This award means the world to...
(cork creaking)
-...me...
-(cork pops, liquid pouring)
-and I want to thank...
-(cork pops)
-(liquid pouring)
-everyone who...
Anybody with
a (bleep) bowtie on,
stop what you're doing,
walk into the coatroom,
and don't come out
until I'm done talking!
(deep breath)
I-I don't yell at waiters.
I'm now going
to stop mid-sentence
because I see someone
from my...
Brian?
? ?
So, Brian,
how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.?
You two still hanging out?
No. He died.
I'll never forget it,
it was Spiro Agnew's birthday.
Wow, so you, uh,
really went all-in
with the Japanese screens.
Yes, I really like
changing in silhouette
while carrying
on a conversation.
Will you excuse me?
So, how was your flight?
It was, uh, it was fine.
I had a layover in Atlanta...
What are you doing back there?
Just getting into something
more comfortable.
Can I interest you
in a nightcap?
-I think I've got...
-Who is that?
A little privacy, please!
What the hell was all that?
I have a lot of money, Brian.
But let's continue this while
I take a very foggy shower.
No, Stewie, come on.
I haven't seen you
in almost 50 years.
And you haven't even
told me how great I look.
You do look great.
Thanks to me.
I invented a pill
to extend your life.
It's called "Semper Fido."
What? Why?
Aren't you going to say anything
about the cute name I gave it?
Ha.
What? Why?
I snuck it in your food
because I wanted you
to live long enough to see that
global warming is bull crap.
Oh, my God, we were
so wrong about that.
If anything,
it's way colder now.
Yes, and now thanks to you,
we're stuck
with President Polar Bear.
President Polar Bear,
is it true
you ate the presidential seal?
That was a simple
misunderstanding.
-No further questions.
-REPORTER: President Polar Bear!
REPORTER 2:
President Polar Bear, what did
you do for a Klondike bar?
I believe the president has
answered all of your questions.
Here's what I don't understand--
why did you even want me
to live this long
if you were just gonna leave me?
It's not about you, Brian.
I couldn't take it back there.
But they were your family,
Stewie.
I guess I'm just
not a family guy.
(canned laughter)
Mom and Dad always wanted me
to be someone I wasn't.
Stewie Griffin,
get in here right now!
-Yeah?
-Well, I just got
our Christmas card photos.
You want to tell me what you're
doing with your hands here?
Nothing.
Exactly, nothing.
And what does the greeting
at the top of the card say?
"Merry Christmas
and a Shocking New Year."
And what is every
other member of the family
doing with their hands?
-The shocker.
-Right.
Now, listen, Stewie,
I'm a cool dad, all right?
I could care less what you
do with the pink, truly.
But the stink is where
you get the "shocking."
You get that?
You get what I'm saying?
Even if it's just one,
that's fine.
But you got to put
something there.
I-I think it's gonna be fine.
I'm sure people
won't even notice.
(laughing)
Oh...
Anyway, that's why I left.
Well, that was a long time ago.
You have to come back.
Stewie...
Peter is dying.
What?
Oh, my God, that's awful.
So, you'll come see him?
Of course.
You know, he once
asked me in the event
that he was sick
to clear his Google history.
"Peter Griffin search history."
"Winnie the Pooh,
"Winnie the Pooh jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh
vintage jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh
letterman jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh windbreaker,
"Eeyore jacket,
"Eeyore vintage jacket,
"Eeyore letterman jacket,
lactating pregnant Latinas..."
Wow. Huge turn there.
"Piglet pencil erasers."
Okay, getting back in there.
"Full cast Winnie
the Pooh backpack."
Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah.
"Coughing up blood,
pain in abdomen,
Winnie the Pooh casket."
Yeah, he is sick.
You know, while we're here,
let's take a look
at your search history.
No, Stewie, that's...
"Spiro Agnew birthday."
What a weird thing to try
to impress me with.
Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin.
(groans)
We have to pick up Chris?
Yeah, what's the problem?
Uh, we didn't exactly
get along too well.
Especially after Grandpa died
and left me the dark boathouse.
You can still use the boathouse
on non-vacation Sundays
in the spring.
I've always taken
care of you, Chris.
Taken care of me?
You're my kid brother,
you take care of me?
Sorry, I came down here to vape.
Send Chris off to do this,
send Chris off to do that.
I'm supposed to be
shoveling the driveway.
I'm your older brother, Stewie,
and I was stepped over!
It's the way Grandpa wanted it.
It ain't the way I wanted it!
Sounds like you're having
a personal conversation.
I'll put in my earbuds.
I'm smart!
Not like everybody says,
like dumb.
I'm smart and I want respect.
? Funky Cold Medina. ?
Chris, you live in filth.
What have you been doing?
Yeah, I kind of wasted my life,
except I obsessed over
teaching my penis how to talk.
What?
CHRIS' PENIS:
Who's out there?.
Settle down,
just got some company.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Well, aren't you going
to introduce me?
I'm getting to it,
if-if you'll give me a second.
CHRIS' PENIS:
I want to have a look at them.
Hey, numbskull, that's how we
got in trouble the last time.
(laughs)
He-he's really very friendly.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Where's the Jamba Juice
you were gonna get me?
Never mind,
I'll order it on Postmates.
No, you won't.
Stop spending all our money.
So, what's Meg
been up to anyway?
She runs a small
private security business
out in the desert.
That sounds kind of cool.
Well, she basically just
tests bulletproof vests.
(clicking)
-Ready?
-One sec.
(huffing)
Yeah, go, go, go.
-(gunshot)
-(Meg exclaims)
(winces)
Ooh... yeah.
(coughs, retches)
(coughing)
This one can use another layer.
Oh, hey, guys.
Um, are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Hi, Meg. Bring it in.
Hi, Chris' Penis.
How are you?
CHRIS' PENIS:
Same spit, different day.
Wow, look at Quahog.
Light rail system,
gleaming skyscrapers.
SINGERS (on radio):
? Weenie and the Butt. ?
But somehow,
the same morning DJs.
SINGERS (on radio):
? Quahog 97 ?
? FM on the radio ?
? And the Internet ?
? And the orb ?
? A new invention ?
? Which lets you hear stuff ?
? Right in your head ?
? Without a device. ?
MAN 1:
Try turning it off.
MAN 2:
You can't!
That's not all
that hasn't changed.
Cleveland's still on hold
with United Airlines.
(Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue"
playing over phone)
I'm starting to think my call
is not important to them.
RECORDED VOICE:
Your call is important to us.
Thank you for remaining
on the line.
All right, you just bought
yourself another year.
And Seamus is still on hold
with Spirit Airlines.
RECORDED VOICE:
We don't give a crap about you,
but we're the cheapest,
-so sit there and take it.
-Ah, sea turds.
(knocking on door)
Mr. Seamus, five minutes
to showtime, Mr. Seamus.
Oh, I want to fly standby
to Pittsburgh,
but I also want to host
The Muppet Show.
(cars honking)
Look at all this traffic.
Yeah, Brady Boulevard
is tight this time of day.
You know what?
Cut over to Brady on Brady
and then take the Brady Bridge.
Is everything in this town
named after Tom Brady?
Oh, no, there's the
Rob Gronkowski Library.
The only book is just a label
ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle.
And look, there's the
Robert Kraft Marina,
-full of tugboats.
-(tugboat horn toots)
-I heard he had a stroke.
-(high-pitched
tugboat horn toots)
I can't even get my bearings.
I'm gonna ask someone
for directions.
I wouldn't do that.
Since you left,
the New England accent
has become incomprehensible.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Excuse me, sir,
where is the Quahog Harbor?
-Cah gabbah?
-What?
I-I just, I just want to know
where the Quahog Harbor is.
Cah gabbah.
Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys
in Bruins hats
turning around now.
-Abbah dabbah.
-Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
-N'abbah dabbah.
-Cah gabbah.
-Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
(overlapping gibberish)
Aah! Brian, get out of here.
Go, go, go!
WOMAN:
Christopher
"Irish or Italian name,"
are you causing trouble
out there?
-No, Ma.
-Nomah?
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
What the hell happened
to the neighborhood?
QUAGMIRE:
Hey, Stewie.
Here comes a double scoop
of trouble.
Whoa, you look great,
considering your age.
Yeah, I'm basically
exactly the same,
except I pretty much only talk
about ice cream now.
Oh, that's cool, that's cool.
Yeah, you know what's cool?
Ice cream.
Want to go get a cup?
Cone? Bowl?
I-I'm just trying
to see my folks.
Man, I love ice cream.
You know there's three different
ice cream shops in Quahog?
-They're all good.
-What's your favorite?
They're all good.
So that's the scoop from here.
All right, well,
good running into you, man.
Oh, my babies,
finally all together again.
Hello, Mother.
I mean, uh,
damn you, vile woman.
I must kill you,
et cetera, et cetera.
(canned studio audience
laughter, applause)
-Did Quagmire tell you
about the ice cream?
-Yes.
You know, there are three
ice cream parlors in town.
-We know.
-They're all good.
-Yes, he said that.
-They're all good.
Have we already
run out of conversation?
Chris, Meg, how are you?
-Good, Ma.
-How are you?
Oh, I can't complain.
Little hard of hearing,
which is why I turned on
the closed captioning.
It's about 30 seconds
behind, though.
Wow, that is way behind.
Now, what would you kids
like for dinner?
-It's 3:15, Ma.
-I know, we waited for you.
Yeah, we-we can go ahead
and turn that off.
How's Dad?
Your father's
had severe diabetes
ever since they opened
three ice cream stores in town.
(weakly):
They're all good.
You can't live like this,
the house is falling apart.
This is awful,
and it's all my fault.
Oh, Pop, I am so sorry
I abandoned you all.
I never should've left home.
What can I do?
Just promise, when I die,
that you will help our family.
I will, I promise.
This family will never want
for anything ever again.
-That's so generous.
-Thank you.
Chris, your hand.
All right,
now that that's settled,
let's celebrate
with some of the music of now
with closed captioning.
? Music of now, music of now ?
? Music of now, music of now,
music of now. ?
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,
delivering the news
with my Andy Rooney
end-of-life eyebrows.
You won't hear
anything I'm saying
because they're so distracting.
Now, let's go to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa,
so we can be shocked at how well
her people age. Tricia?
Tom, I'm standing here
with flawless skin
next to the shedding, crumbling,
dusty ancient relics
of white people my age.
(sneezes)
Oh, Stewie, you've done so much
to help our family.
I can't believe
you put in an elevator.
Yes, and it even has
elevator music.
? Music of now, music of now. ?
Aw, and thanks for these
virtual reality glasses,
so I can watch porn
while talking to the family.
So what's California
like, Stewie? Ugh.
That was a penis.
So, do-do you still want to know
about California?
No, I'm done.
I have one more dying wish.
Play the song, but play it slow
because I am old.
(slowed down):
? A-well-a everybody's heard ?
? About the bird... ?
Family, help me dance.
? B-bird's a word ?
? A-well, a bird,
bird, bird... ?
-How long, Peter?
-I'll say when.
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ?
? Well-a bird is a word ?
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's a word ?
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ?
? Well-a bird is a word. ?
(knocking on door)
Oh, Dr. Hartman,
thank you for coming.
Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son.
Doctor Hartmanson?
But I asked for Dr. Hartman.
His jokes are getting worse,
Doctor.
Is there anything
you can do for him?
Now all we can do is wait.
Lois... it's time.
Oh, Peter,
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I see a white light.
There are others inside of it.
Adam West, Carrie Fisher,
Ricardo Montalb?n,
Phyllis Diller...
Heaven is filled
with every actor who ever died?
No, this is actually
just the ones who did our show
right before they died.
Crazy, right?
Frank Sinatra Jr.,
Charles Durning,
Lauren Bacall,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings,
Ed Asner by the time
this airs certainly...
Dad, you don't have to do this,
there are too many.
Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here,
and he's pissed.
Wait, he's wearing
the Darth Vader helmet.
(chuckles) Never mind,
he was cool with it.
(sighs) This is it.
(shuddering breaths)
Oh, he's trying
to say something.
H-His final words.
Lactating...
pregnant... Latinas.
(gasps) I will, Dad, I promise.
(all crying)
No, we won't cry for him,
we will celebrate his life.
The finest cigars for
the finest family ever to live.
Oh, Stewie, we love you so much.
And I love you, which is why
I must not delay any longer.
I must get my affairs in order
and transfer my money
to all of you.
-I will see you all soon.
-Oh, thank you, Stewie.
-We love you.
-Thanks.
(all crying)
(all laughing)
We did it. We got him.
I feel like we're in The Sting,
that movie from 100 years ago
about 150 years ago.
Great work tricking him, Brian.
Thanks. Well, you know,
I credit my years as a writer.
When I planned the con,
I saw Quahog as a character...
Okay, that's enough.
STEWIE:
Had a pebble in my shoe.
Of course I knew
the whole thing was a scam.
They probably did that "crying
turning into laughing" thing
when I left,
what a bunch of hacks.
They're too stupid to notice
I snuck into the kitchen
and turned up the gas
before I left.
Chris should be lighting
his cigar right about...
(grunts) Stewie, help.
It hurts! Reverse the pill!
Let me die!
Ooh, wish I could, but the pills
were in the house, so, yeah...
Stewie. Stewie!
Stewie!
Stewie!
Stewie! Stewie!
(stammers) Huh? What?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You've been staring
at that old man Halloween
costume for 30 minutes.
21 plus commercials,
but it's a big decision.
You know, I've always been
afraid of being old,
but now I think
I'll like it just fine.
Why are you walking so slowly?
Turns out this costume
is about 80% balls,
and most of it's
dragging behind me.
(squeaking sound)
-Uhp, we got a tangle.
-Uhp, what do I do?
Stop walking.
I'll go back, you go forward.
-Are you sure?
-It's counterintuitive.
I don't know, that-that
doesn't seem right to me.
-When you want to go left,
you go right.
-I'm just gonna pull forward.
-Don't pull, don't pull.
-I-I think if you come this way,
-and I go that way...
-Just stop walking and listen
to me. Everybody freeze.
Okay, let's just
think about this.
(crowd cheering)
People of Argentina,
I have heard your cries,
and I just want to say...
Meg. Meg!
I already told you
you're not gonna be Evita.
You're gonna be the back half
of Edgar the Farting Horse.
Now get in.
(loud fart)
PETER:
Hey. I do the farting.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
that all you see ?
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
? On which we used to rely? ?
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
? All the things that make us ?
? Laugh and cry ?
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
? ?
Fart joke.
(sputters)
Sir, you need to get ready
for your lifetime achievement
award ceremony.
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
Remember, sir, I can be
any shape you wish.
Yeah, but you're
already this, so...
(indistinct chatter)
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Beg your pardon.
Coming through.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for coming.
(indistinct chatter)
MAN: What if I told you
you could accumulate
all the wealth
you'd ever want
simply by learning
the secrets of real estate?
Oop, wrong room.
MAN: And then what if
you could use that wealth
to turn yourself
into a Broadway star?
-? ?
-(applause)
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
and 14 other genders
we have now.
I'm Lane Bergan,
the biggest star
of May 2020 and on.
So, if you've only watched TV
up until April of 2020,
my name would be
unfamiliar to you.
Lane Bergan?
What, did Brett Kingston say no?
When the Dwayne Johnson Center
for Confusing Ethnicity
approached me about
hosting this night,
I said it'd be
an honor to bestow upon
Stewart Gilligan Griffin
our Lifetime Achievement Award.
When Stewie invented
the Wipeless Dump,
our rainforests were
hanging on by a thread.
Now, are there too many trees?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Stewart Griffin.
-? ?
-(applause)
Thank you for this
wonderful honor.
(rattling nearby)
It's so wonderful to be
here with all of you.
(rattling continues)
You guys mind stopping
for just one minute?
When I heard I was going
to be receiving this award, I...
(shattering, rattling)
I'm not the person
who yells at waiters,
but maybe everyone
bussing tables can freeze?
I-I don't understand
why I'm the person
who has to be saying this, okay?
Okay, I'll never forget
the first time I...
(liquid pouring,
ice cubes jiggle)
Wow, really?
This award means the world to...
(cork creaking)
-...me...
-(cork pops, liquid pouring)
-and I want to thank...
-(cork pops)
-(liquid pouring)
-everyone who...
Anybody with
a (bleep) bowtie on,
stop what you're doing,
walk into the coatroom,
and don't come out
until I'm done talking!
(deep breath)
I-I don't yell at waiters.
I'm now going
to stop mid-sentence
because I see someone
from my...
Brian?
? ?
So, Brian,
how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.?
You two still hanging out?
No. He died.
I'll never forget it,
it was Spiro Agnew's birthday.
Wow, so you, uh,
really went all-in
with the Japanese screens.
Yes, I really like
changing in silhouette
while carrying
on a conversation.
Will you excuse me?
So, how was your flight?
It was, uh, it was fine.
I had a layover in Atlanta...
What are you doing back there?
Just getting into something
more comfortable.
Can I interest you
in a nightcap?
-I think I've got...
-Who is that?
A little privacy, please!
What the hell was all that?
I have a lot of money, Brian.
But let's continue this while
I take a very foggy shower.
No, Stewie, come on.
I haven't seen you
in almost 50 years.
And you haven't even
told me how great I look.
You do look great.
Thanks to me.
I invented a pill
to extend your life.
It's called "Semper Fido."
What? Why?
Aren't you going to say anything
about the cute name I gave it?
Ha.
What? Why?
I snuck it in your food
because I wanted you
to live long enough to see that
global warming is bull crap.
Oh, my God, we were
so wrong about that.
If anything,
it's way colder now.
Yes, and now thanks to you,
we're stuck
with President Polar Bear.
President Polar Bear,
is it true
you ate the presidential seal?
That was a simple
misunderstanding.
-No further questions.
-REPORTER: President Polar Bear!
REPORTER 2:
President Polar Bear, what did
you do for a Klondike bar?
I believe the president has
answered all of your questions.
Here's what I don't understand--
why did you even want me
to live this long
if you were just gonna leave me?
It's not about you, Brian.
I couldn't take it back there.
But they were your family,
Stewie.
I guess I'm just
not a family guy.
(canned laughter)
Mom and Dad always wanted me
to be someone I wasn't.
Stewie Griffin,
get in here right now!
-Yeah?
-Well, I just got
our Christmas card photos.
You want to tell me what you're
doing with your hands here?
Nothing.
Exactly, nothing.
And what does the greeting
at the top of the card say?
"Merry Christmas
and a Shocking New Year."
And what is every
other member of the family
doing with their hands?
-The shocker.
-Right.
Now, listen, Stewie,
I'm a cool dad, all right?
I could care less what you
do with the pink, truly.
But the stink is where
you get the "shocking."
You get that?
You get what I'm saying?
Even if it's just one,
that's fine.
But you got to put
something there.
I-I think it's gonna be fine.
I'm sure people
won't even notice.
(laughing)
Oh...
Anyway, that's why I left.
Well, that was a long time ago.
You have to come back.
Stewie...
Peter is dying.
What?
Oh, my God, that's awful.
So, you'll come see him?
Of course.
You know, he once
asked me in the event
that he was sick
to clear his Google history.
"Peter Griffin search history."
"Winnie the Pooh,
"Winnie the Pooh jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh
vintage jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh
letterman jacket,
"Winnie the Pooh windbreaker,
"Eeyore jacket,
"Eeyore vintage jacket,
"Eeyore letterman jacket,
lactating pregnant Latinas..."
Wow. Huge turn there.
"Piglet pencil erasers."
Okay, getting back in there.
"Full cast Winnie
the Pooh backpack."
Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah.
"Coughing up blood,
pain in abdomen,
Winnie the Pooh casket."
Yeah, he is sick.
You know, while we're here,
let's take a look
at your search history.
No, Stewie, that's...
"Spiro Agnew birthday."
What a weird thing to try
to impress me with.
Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin.
(groans)
We have to pick up Chris?
Yeah, what's the problem?
Uh, we didn't exactly
get along too well.
Especially after Grandpa died
and left me the dark boathouse.
You can still use the boathouse
on non-vacation Sundays
in the spring.
I've always taken
care of you, Chris.
Taken care of me?
You're my kid brother,
you take care of me?
Sorry, I came down here to vape.
Send Chris off to do this,
send Chris off to do that.
I'm supposed to be
shoveling the driveway.
I'm your older brother, Stewie,
and I was stepped over!
It's the way Grandpa wanted it.
It ain't the way I wanted it!
Sounds like you're having
a personal conversation.
I'll put in my earbuds.
I'm smart!
Not like everybody says,
like dumb.
I'm smart and I want respect.
? Funky Cold Medina. ?
Chris, you live in filth.
What have you been doing?
Yeah, I kind of wasted my life,
except I obsessed over
teaching my penis how to talk.
What?
CHRIS' PENIS:
Who's out there?.
Settle down,
just got some company.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Well, aren't you going
to introduce me?
I'm getting to it,
if-if you'll give me a second.
CHRIS' PENIS:
I want to have a look at them.
Hey, numbskull, that's how we
got in trouble the last time.
(laughs)
He-he's really very friendly.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Where's the Jamba Juice
you were gonna get me?
Never mind,
I'll order it on Postmates.
No, you won't.
Stop spending all our money.
So, what's Meg
been up to anyway?
She runs a small
private security business
out in the desert.
That sounds kind of cool.
Well, she basically just
tests bulletproof vests.
(clicking)
-Ready?
-One sec.
(huffing)
Yeah, go, go, go.
-(gunshot)
-(Meg exclaims)
(winces)
Ooh... yeah.
(coughs, retches)
(coughing)
This one can use another layer.
Oh, hey, guys.
Um, are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
CHRIS' PENIS:
Hi, Meg. Bring it in.
Hi, Chris' Penis.
How are you?
CHRIS' PENIS:
Same spit, different day.
Wow, look at Quahog.
Light rail system,
gleaming skyscrapers.
SINGERS (on radio):
? Weenie and the Butt. ?
But somehow,
the same morning DJs.
SINGERS (on radio):
? Quahog 97 ?
? FM on the radio ?
? And the Internet ?
? And the orb ?
? A new invention ?
? Which lets you hear stuff ?
? Right in your head ?
? Without a device. ?
MAN 1:
Try turning it off.
MAN 2:
You can't!
That's not all
that hasn't changed.
Cleveland's still on hold
with United Airlines.
(Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue"
playing over phone)
I'm starting to think my call
is not important to them.
RECORDED VOICE:
Your call is important to us.
Thank you for remaining
on the line.
All right, you just bought
yourself another year.
And Seamus is still on hold
with Spirit Airlines.
RECORDED VOICE:
We don't give a crap about you,
but we're the cheapest,
-so sit there and take it.
-Ah, sea turds.
(knocking on door)
Mr. Seamus, five minutes
to showtime, Mr. Seamus.
Oh, I want to fly standby
to Pittsburgh,
but I also want to host
The Muppet Show.
(cars honking)
Look at all this traffic.
Yeah, Brady Boulevard
is tight this time of day.
You know what?
Cut over to Brady on Brady
and then take the Brady Bridge.
Is everything in this town
named after Tom Brady?
Oh, no, there's the
Rob Gronkowski Library.
The only book is just a label
ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle.
And look, there's the
Robert Kraft Marina,
-full of tugboats.
-(tugboat horn toots)
-I heard he had a stroke.
-(high-pitched
tugboat horn toots)
I can't even get my bearings.
I'm gonna ask someone
for directions.
I wouldn't do that.
Since you left,
the New England accent
has become incomprehensible.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Excuse me, sir,
where is the Quahog Harbor?
-Cah gabbah?
-What?
I-I just, I just want to know
where the Quahog Harbor is.
Cah gabbah.
Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys
in Bruins hats
turning around now.
-Abbah dabbah.
-Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
-N'abbah dabbah.
-Cah gabbah.
-Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
(overlapping gibberish)
Aah! Brian, get out of here.
Go, go, go!
WOMAN:
Christopher
"Irish or Italian name,"
are you causing trouble
out there?
-No, Ma.
-Nomah?
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
What the hell happened
to the neighborhood?
QUAGMIRE:
Hey, Stewie.
Here comes a double scoop
of trouble.
Whoa, you look great,
considering your age.
Yeah, I'm basically
exactly the same,
except I pretty much only talk
about ice cream now.
Oh, that's cool, that's cool.
Yeah, you know what's cool?
Ice cream.
Want to go get a cup?
Cone? Bowl?
I-I'm just trying
to see my folks.
Man, I love ice cream.
You know there's three different
ice cream shops in Quahog?
-They're all good.
-What's your favorite?
They're all good.
So that's the scoop from here.
All right, well,
good running into you, man.
Oh, my babies,
finally all together again.
Hello, Mother.
I mean, uh,
damn you, vile woman.
I must kill you,
et cetera, et cetera.
(canned studio audience
laughter, applause)
-Did Quagmire tell you
about the ice cream?
-Yes.
You know, there are three
ice cream parlors in town.
-We know.
-They're all good.
-Yes, he said that.
-They're all good.
Have we already
run out of conversation?
Chris, Meg, how are you?
-Good, Ma.
-How are you?
Oh, I can't complain.
Little hard of hearing,
which is why I turned on
the closed captioning.
It's about 30 seconds
behind, though.
Wow, that is way behind.
Now, what would you kids
like for dinner?
-It's 3:15, Ma.
-I know, we waited for you.
Yeah, we-we can go ahead
and turn that off.
How's Dad?
Your father's
had severe diabetes
ever since they opened
three ice cream stores in town.
(weakly):
They're all good.
You can't live like this,
the house is falling apart.
This is awful,
and it's all my fault.
Oh, Pop, I am so sorry
I abandoned you all.
I never should've left home.
What can I do?
Just promise, when I die,
that you will help our family.
I will, I promise.
This family will never want
for anything ever again.
-That's so generous.
-Thank you.
Chris, your hand.
All right,
now that that's settled,
let's celebrate
with some of the music of now
with closed captioning.
? Music of now, music of now ?
? Music of now, music of now,
music of now. ?
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,
delivering the news
with my Andy Rooney
end-of-life eyebrows.
You won't hear
anything I'm saying
because they're so distracting.
Now, let's go to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa,
so we can be shocked at how well
her people age. Tricia?
Tom, I'm standing here
with flawless skin
next to the shedding, crumbling,
dusty ancient relics
of white people my age.
(sneezes)
Oh, Stewie, you've done so much
to help our family.
I can't believe
you put in an elevator.
Yes, and it even has
elevator music.
? Music of now, music of now. ?
Aw, and thanks for these
virtual reality glasses,
so I can watch porn
while talking to the family.
So what's California
like, Stewie? Ugh.
That was a penis.
So, do-do you still want to know
about California?
No, I'm done.
I have one more dying wish.
Play the song, but play it slow
because I am old.
(slowed down):
? A-well-a everybody's heard ?
? About the bird... ?
Family, help me dance.
? B-bird's a word ?
? A-well, a bird,
bird, bird... ?
-How long, Peter?
-I'll say when.
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ?
? Well-a bird is a word ?
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's a word ?
? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ?
? Well-a bird is a word. ?
(knocking on door)
Oh, Dr. Hartman,
thank you for coming.
Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son.
Doctor Hartmanson?
But I asked for Dr. Hartman.
His jokes are getting worse,
Doctor.
Is there anything
you can do for him?
Now all we can do is wait.
Lois... it's time.
Oh, Peter,
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I see a white light.
There are others inside of it.
Adam West, Carrie Fisher,
Ricardo Montalb?n,
Phyllis Diller...
Heaven is filled
with every actor who ever died?
No, this is actually
just the ones who did our show
right before they died.
Crazy, right?
Frank Sinatra Jr.,
Charles Durning,
Lauren Bacall,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings,
Ed Asner by the time
this airs certainly...
Dad, you don't have to do this,
there are too many.
Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here,
and he's pissed.
Wait, he's wearing
the Darth Vader helmet.
(chuckles) Never mind,
he was cool with it.
(sighs) This is it.
(shuddering breaths)
Oh, he's trying
to say something.
H-His final words.
Lactating...
pregnant... Latinas.
(gasps) I will, Dad, I promise.
(all crying)
No, we won't cry for him,
we will celebrate his life.
The finest cigars for
the finest family ever to live.
Oh, Stewie, we love you so much.
And I love you, which is why
I must not delay any longer.
I must get my affairs in order
and transfer my money
to all of you.
-I will see you all soon.
-Oh, thank you, Stewie.
-We love you.
-Thanks.
(all crying)
(all laughing)
We did it. We got him.
I feel like we're in The Sting,
that movie from 100 years ago
about 150 years ago.
Great work tricking him, Brian.
Thanks. Well, you know,
I credit my years as a writer.
When I planned the con,
I saw Quahog as a character...
Okay, that's enough.
STEWIE:
Had a pebble in my shoe.
Of course I knew
the whole thing was a scam.
They probably did that "crying
turning into laughing" thing
when I left,
what a bunch of hacks.
They're too stupid to notice
I snuck into the kitchen
and turned up the gas
before I left.
Chris should be lighting
his cigar right about...
(grunts) Stewie, help.
It hurts! Reverse the pill!
Let me die!
Ooh, wish I could, but the pills
were in the house, so, yeah...
Stewie. Stewie!
Stewie!
Stewie!
Stewie! Stewie!
(stammers) Huh? What?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You've been staring
at that old man Halloween
costume for 30 minutes.
21 plus commercials,
but it's a big decision.
You know, I've always been
afraid of being old,
but now I think
I'll like it just fine.
Why are you walking so slowly?
Turns out this costume
is about 80% balls,
and most of it's
dragging behind me.
(squeaking sound)
-Uhp, we got a tangle.
-Uhp, what do I do?
Stop walking.
I'll go back, you go forward.
-Are you sure?
-It's counterintuitive.
I don't know, that-that
doesn't seem right to me.
-When you want to go left,
you go right.
-I'm just gonna pull forward.
-Don't pull, don't pull.
-I-I think if you come this way,
-and I go that way...
-Just stop walking and listen
to me. Everybody freeze.
Okay, let's just
think about this.
(crowd cheering)
People of Argentina,
I have heard your cries,
and I just want to say...
Meg. Meg!
I already told you
you're not gonna be Evita.
You're gonna be the back half
of Edgar the Farting Horse.
Now get in.
(loud fart)
PETER:
Hey. I do the farting.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH