Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 17 - Episode #17.17 - full transcript
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Ugh! This sucks, Mom.
We really have
to spend the whole day
cleaning out the garage?
Yeah, come on, Lois.
You know I have plans today
to go see Pervert Hamlet.
To be...
with this skull sexually,
or not to be...
with this skull sexually.
That is the question...
I answered when I was
with this skull sexually
a little while ago.
Huh. All these spray paint cans
are empty.
What? Really?
(laughing):
H-How could such a thing
have come to pass?
Screw this. Quick,
before your mother gets back,
everything in the garbage.
We're throwing
all this stuff out.
Wait. You're throwing away
Stewie's Big Wheel?
Relax. It's not even his.
I took it from a front lawn
after a rain storm.
(can rattling)
I thought they'd never leave,
Factory Red.
So, I guess
Thanos got the Mind Stone.
Wow. So now he's got all of 'em.
- I guess so.
- What does that mean for us?
I have no idea.
I knew it was gonna be us.
Oh, my God. There's a hot woman
over at the bar.
You know, I never forget
the back of a head.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Glenn Quagmire.
I'm sure that kind of thing
works great
for the younger crowd,
but I'm 44.
44? Oh-ho,
why am I trying so hard?
Come on, let's get out of here.
Look, I'm not some bimbo who
falls for tired pickup lines.
Wow. That was painful.
Like that time I passed
a kidney Stone Phillips.
(groaning):
Oh!
Aah! Aah!
(splashing)
KIDNEY STONE PHILLIPS:
Or was it... murder?
- Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Stewie.
Taking the Big Wheel out
for a spin?
Yep. Where are you headed?
Oh, I was just gonna
drive through some puddles
and see how long
my tracks stay wet.
The record is seven sidewalk
squares, by yours truly.
(laughing):
Allegedly.
(laughing):
Okay, get out of here, you nut.
What the deuce? Where is it?
(sighs) Boy, I tell ya,
no better way to start your day
than a morning dump
in a neighbor's yard.
QUAGMIRE:
Come on, Brian!
It was a soft steamer,
almost impossible to pick up.
Brian, have you seen
my Big Wheel?
I can't find it anywhere!
What? No. Did you look...?
Oh, wait a minute.
Peter threw out a bunch of stuff
from the garage yesterday.
Maybe it was in there.
Threw it out? But today
is our trash pick up day!
(gasps)
We're too late!
I've got to get
that Big Wheel back.
Will you drive me
to the town dump?
Really? Can't we just maybe
buy you a new one?
No, Brian.
It has to be that Big Wheel.
It's very special to me.
I lost my V-card on that thing.
You what?
Yep, went over a speed bump
really fast and broke my hymen.
Stewie, you don't have a hymen.
- Yeah, not anymore.
- No, you're a boy.
I have to correct you there,
Brian. I'm a man.
'Cause, you know...
broken hymen.
Boys don't have hymens!
Okay, then I may have just
ripped my taint.
Either way, I love that bike!
Hi. Can you help us?
We're trying
to locate a lost Big Wh...
- (insects buzzing)
- My God,
there's just so...
much... garbage.
(moaning)
Yes, we are in search
of a Big Wheel
that was erroneously discarded
and collected today.
Oh, then it probably came in
with the morning load.
Sorry. That term always
makes me blush.
But if it just came in,
that's bad news.
Usually the newest,
top layer of trash
just blows right into the ocean.
Yeah, I'm afraid your Big Wheel
may be gones for good.
Dear God, this is horrible!
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!
Phew. Ooh, something smells good
in this box.
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!
Damn it. Monica's not responding
to any of my texts.
You're still tryin'
to bang that 44-year-old?
- What are you sending her?
- Mostly porn.
Just shots of rods.
All angles.
Up, down, left, right.
Lois, maybe you could help me
ask out this woman I met.
She's close to your age.
But she won't respond
to any of my texts.
Oh, well, that's easy.
Just ask her if she's all
caught up on This Is Us.
(phone vibrates)
She says, "I'm one behind,
so no spoilers.
Hysterical laughing face,
hysterical laughing face."
How-how is that funny?
It's not, but you're in.
Great. This is exactly
the stuff I need to know.
Lois, will you teach me the ways
of the middle-aged woman?
All right.
I'm a sucker for romance.
Thanks, Lois. This could open up
a whole new world for me.
Like one of those kids
who gets a device
that allows them to hear
for the first time.
Billy, can you hear?
Yes!
Amazing! This is amazing.
Your mom and I are going
to get a divorce.
I'm in love with someone else,
and I didn't want
to say it with the silly hands.
Brian, I've been doing research
on my Big Wheel.
If it ended up in the ocean,
it most likely has traveled
to Garbage Island.
What's Garbage Island?
The other name for the
North Atlantic Garbage Patch,
an enormous cluster
of man-made debris
floating in the middle
of the ocean.
This is terrible.
We got to raise awareness,
- let people know about it.
- I agree.
It's like
a giant garbage whirlpool.
Brian?
You heard me.
Anyway, I'm heading there
to find my Big Wheel.
Perhaps you'll come with me.
Boating to an island of garbage?
I'm in.
Maybe Peter will come, too.
Hey, Peter,
want to go on a boat ride?
Oh, uh, I can't be in stories
for a couple of episodes.
(whispering):
I'm real-life pregnant.
Oh, my God. I had no idea.
(high-pitched):
I know!
Anyway, Mama's got to
get off her feet.
All right, time to retrieve my
Big Wheel from Garbage Island.
Let's do it.
Hey, how'd you get the money
to rent this boat anyway?
Oh, I got a part-time job
at Target.
Okay, technically, I work at
the weird, in-store Pizza Hut.
ANNOUNCER:
The Target In-Store Pizza Hut.
Feed it to your fat kid while
you buy off-brand tennis shoes.
Now, Glenn, I'm gonna help you
get into the mind
of a middle-aged woman.
Step one: we all go friggin'
nuts over Yankee Candles,
so to help you learn all the
flavors, I made a little quiz.
I'm gonna give you a name,
and you tell me
if it's the name of
a Yankee Candle or a porn star.
- Okay.
- Black Coconut.
Porn star?
No, that's a candle.
Amber Gold.
- Candle?
- That is a candle.
April Showers.
Um... both?
Very good. I tried to trick you
there, but you got it. Both.
Okay, okay,
I'm writing this all down.
But, Lois, Monica agreed
to have dinner with me tomorrow.
That's great!
I suppose.
But I don't think
I can pull it off by myself.
Will you come and just be nearby
to give me tips and help me
get through it?
Fine, but I'll have
to rearrange my schedule.
Friday nights are when
Peter and I do edibles
and go to the aquarium.
This is awesome.
Peter, I'm freaking out.
Yeah, don't-don't...
don't ruin it for me.
Okay, I spy something blue.
Uh... the ocean?
Nope.
The sky?
Hey, you got it in two, bud.
That ties the record.
Stewie, I'm starting to wonder
if we didn't think this
all the way through.
No, it's fine.
It'll all be worth it
once we get to Garbage Island.
Not a lot of wind today.
No.
Hey, what causes wind?
Well, if my reading material
has taught me anything,
it's just a cloud with lips.
Blustery...
is a good word.
Uh-huh.
Mm... Moana.
Mm.
I never saw Moana.
You never saw Moana?
(phone vibrates)
Your blowout looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So, um, I noticed a yoga mat
in the back of your car.
- How often do you do yoga?
- (phone vibrates)
- Is everything all right?
- Hmm?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
My, um... my-my dad
locked himself out of his car.
Oh, sorry.
Do you need to help him?
Um, no, uh, no.
He, um, he broke, uh...
broke the window with his foot.
High heel. My dad's a woman now.
- Oh.
- (phone vibrates)
(chuckles)
You're lucky we came here.
I almost suggested Mickey D's.
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
That's so informal.
Are you talking
about McDonald's?
- (chuckles): Yeah, yeah!
- (phone vibrates)
Another thing
I was just thinking about is...
"AMBER Alert,
white Honda Accord,
license plate..."
Uh, uh, I mean,
Pinterest sure has
some neat pictures of sinks.
Doesn't it?
Listen, what if we just bail
on dinner
and head back to my place?
Great! I'm in.
Wait! You have to pay
for the bread.
Hey!
You have to pay for the bread!
You have to pay for the bread!
You have to pay
for the bread!
The bread!
(crying):
You have to pay
for the bread!
(crying)
(creaking)
(grunting)
Moana?
Oh, my God. Brian.
Look!
We made it!
We made it to Garbage Island!
My God, I don't believe it.
Whoa, look at all the packaging
from Mickey D's.
What? Oh, my God,
I've never heard that.
"Mickey D's."
That is just great.
Anyway, let's start looking
for my Big Wheel.
Hey, check it out,
a VCR just sitting here.
I'm taking this sucker home.
(grunts)
(gasps)
Oh, crap.
Brian, you idiot.
Now how the hell are we supposed
to get back to land?
We're both going to die.
Oh, look, a message in a bottle
is washing up.
Maybe this'll help.
PETER:
Dear England: Enclosed,
please find one bottle fart
in exchange for Russell Brand.
We feel this is
appropriate compensation.
Yours, et cetera, America.
- (flatulence)
- (groaning)
Damn it, Brian!
How could you sink our boat?
We're going to die!
MAN:
You guys need any help?
- Aah!
- Aah! Who the hell are you?
Name's Taylor. 'Sup?
How the hell did you get here?
Oh, I, uh...
I-I fell off a booze cruise.
- You what?
- Yep, washed up here.
Matter of fact, we all did.
How are you all planning
to get back home?
Get back home?
Why would we want to do that?
Yeah, we've got everything
we need here.
There's tons of free,
half-eaten food that washes up.
And we just bang each other
all day.
That, uh...
that doesn't sound terrible.
Hey, so, we've been stuck
out here for over 20 years.
Can you catch us up
on all the important things
that we've missed?
So, no way!
Kylie Jenner and Tyga
are no longer together?
Splitsville, my friend.
How did Robert Kardashian die?
Guilt cancer.
From what?
Oh, boy.
So people thought the dancing
Judge Itos were funny?
For a while, yes.
Is Leno still doing it?
No, he's not hosting anymore.
Oh, so Conan got
The Tonight Show?
- (sighs)
- Oh, come o...
A-And so what about
Craig Kilborn? Is he still on?
I'm actually right here.
Oh, right. Hey, Craig.
Oh, hi, Glenn.
I haven't seen you in a while.
H-How are things with Monica?
Who?
Monica, y-your hot date
from the other night.
Oh, yeah. I plowed her.
Thanks again.
But-but I thought
she was the one.
Yeah, no, what I realized is
that all those texts
you sent me,
they're like my bible now.
I just keep using these
same tips on different women.
I owe you, Lois.
You've opened up a whole world
of middle-aged legs to me.
(humming)
Oh, my God. Quagmire's
terrorizing middle-aged women,
and I'm responsible for it.
I've created a monster.
Oh, no! My Luna Bar for women.
(haunting music playing)
♪ ♪
Please call the DWP.
I'm stuck in here.
♪ ♪
(seabird squawks in distance)
Hey, what day is it?
Trash day.
(both laughing)
Brian, look,
I found my Big Wheel.
- Cool.
- It's more than cool, Brian.
I believe the Big Wheel
may actually be our ticket
off the island.
You see, I've calculated that,
even with both of our weights,
it will still be capable
of flotation.
My plan is to attach
six Jimmy Buffett
margarita machines to it,
which should be able
to propel us home.
Home? I don't think
I want to go home.
What?
What are you talking about?
I'm saying I like it here
on Garbage Island.
O-Okay, I-I don't think
I can talk to you,
because, right now,
you're making less sense
than an M.C. Escher floor plan.
So, how's it coming?
Are we gonna finish on schedule?
I don't know, Mr. Escher.
I've never put six stairways
all in one spot.
And I've lost, like,
ten of my guys in here.
Hey, I need a hammer!
I hate this place!
I quit!
(grunts)
Uh, 'scuse me, I'm-I'm looking
for anything by...
Mike "Bubble"?
LOIS:
It's "Bublé," you idiot!
Oh, hey, Lo... Ow!
That feels great!
Glenn Quagmire, I tried
to help you meet a nice woman,
but you just couldn't help
yourself, could you?
What are you talking about?
I thought
I was helping you find love,
and, instead,
you used me as a tool
to get down every middle-aged
woman's pants in town.
Slacks, Lois.
They call them slacks.
You wouldn't know that
if it wasn't for me!
(sighs)
You're right.
You were kind to me,
and I took advantage of it.
I owe you an apology.
Well, thank you.
Here, let me make it up to you.
I'll buy you a coffee, and...
do you like the music of Ray...
"LaMountain"?
"LaMontagne."
Thank you.
Hey, beautiful,
you want to take
a pointless girl-stride walk
and listen to Ray LaMontagne?
- Sure.
- Great.
See ya, Lois.
Last chance, Brian.
You're really not coming
with me?
I'm sorry, Stewie.
I'm not.
I know it's weird to say, but...
it's kind of just too perfect
for me here.
I see.
Well, I should go.
Fort Lauderdale Tanya found
a four-piece puzzle
she's been struggling with.
TANYA:
Where does the cow go?
It's all corners, babe.
(sighs)
I have to say,
I never imagined
saying goodbye to you, Brian.
So long take very good care
dear friend of mine farewell.
That's odd phrasing.
Sorry, it's been hard
to think straight.
From the moment we arrived,
I've either been drunk
or ejaculating.
These are things
you don't say to a baby.
Goodbye, Brian.
Goodbye, Stewie.
♪ ♪
(whirring)
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my lady ♪
♪ In the sun
with your hair undone ♪
♪ Can you hear me now ♪
♪ Callin' your name
from across the bay? ♪
♪ A summer's day
laughin' and a-hidin' ♪
♪ Chasin' love out
on Thunder Island ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪
(people exclaiming)
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- ♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
- (screaming)
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
Stewie, what the hell's
going on?
We're back in Quahog?
- We are, Brian.
- Why? What happened?
You're an enormously important
part of my life, Brian,
and I couldn't bear
the thought of losing you.
I assumed it unlikely
you'd change your mind,
so I added the fans
from many, many Dell laptops
to the back of my Big Wheel
so I could simply
tow everyone back to land.
Wow.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Well, our journey taught me
something, Brian.
You can throw away just about
anything in this world,
but you can't throw away
a friendship.
No, you can't, Stewie.
Cool if I say goodbye
to the garbage?
You do what you got to do,
you gross dog.
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do. ♪
♪ Sweet sunshine ♪
♪ So, sha-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ My lady ♪
♪ In the sun
with your dress undone ♪
♪ Now every mile aw... ♪
(Muzak version
of "Thunder Island" playing)
Sausage and pepperoni for Alan?
Alan?
(sniffs) God, that smells good,
doesn't it?
- Alan?
- Yeah.
But, actually,
I ordered just pepperoni.
(sighs)
Can I see your receipt?
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Ugh! This sucks, Mom.
We really have
to spend the whole day
cleaning out the garage?
Yeah, come on, Lois.
You know I have plans today
to go see Pervert Hamlet.
To be...
with this skull sexually,
or not to be...
with this skull sexually.
That is the question...
I answered when I was
with this skull sexually
a little while ago.
Huh. All these spray paint cans
are empty.
What? Really?
(laughing):
H-How could such a thing
have come to pass?
Screw this. Quick,
before your mother gets back,
everything in the garbage.
We're throwing
all this stuff out.
Wait. You're throwing away
Stewie's Big Wheel?
Relax. It's not even his.
I took it from a front lawn
after a rain storm.
(can rattling)
I thought they'd never leave,
Factory Red.
So, I guess
Thanos got the Mind Stone.
Wow. So now he's got all of 'em.
- I guess so.
- What does that mean for us?
I have no idea.
I knew it was gonna be us.
Oh, my God. There's a hot woman
over at the bar.
You know, I never forget
the back of a head.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Glenn Quagmire.
I'm sure that kind of thing
works great
for the younger crowd,
but I'm 44.
44? Oh-ho,
why am I trying so hard?
Come on, let's get out of here.
Look, I'm not some bimbo who
falls for tired pickup lines.
Wow. That was painful.
Like that time I passed
a kidney Stone Phillips.
(groaning):
Oh!
Aah! Aah!
(splashing)
KIDNEY STONE PHILLIPS:
Or was it... murder?
- Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Stewie.
Taking the Big Wheel out
for a spin?
Yep. Where are you headed?
Oh, I was just gonna
drive through some puddles
and see how long
my tracks stay wet.
The record is seven sidewalk
squares, by yours truly.
(laughing):
Allegedly.
(laughing):
Okay, get out of here, you nut.
What the deuce? Where is it?
(sighs) Boy, I tell ya,
no better way to start your day
than a morning dump
in a neighbor's yard.
QUAGMIRE:
Come on, Brian!
It was a soft steamer,
almost impossible to pick up.
Brian, have you seen
my Big Wheel?
I can't find it anywhere!
What? No. Did you look...?
Oh, wait a minute.
Peter threw out a bunch of stuff
from the garage yesterday.
Maybe it was in there.
Threw it out? But today
is our trash pick up day!
(gasps)
We're too late!
I've got to get
that Big Wheel back.
Will you drive me
to the town dump?
Really? Can't we just maybe
buy you a new one?
No, Brian.
It has to be that Big Wheel.
It's very special to me.
I lost my V-card on that thing.
You what?
Yep, went over a speed bump
really fast and broke my hymen.
Stewie, you don't have a hymen.
- Yeah, not anymore.
- No, you're a boy.
I have to correct you there,
Brian. I'm a man.
'Cause, you know...
broken hymen.
Boys don't have hymens!
Okay, then I may have just
ripped my taint.
Either way, I love that bike!
Hi. Can you help us?
We're trying
to locate a lost Big Wh...
- (insects buzzing)
- My God,
there's just so...
much... garbage.
(moaning)
Yes, we are in search
of a Big Wheel
that was erroneously discarded
and collected today.
Oh, then it probably came in
with the morning load.
Sorry. That term always
makes me blush.
But if it just came in,
that's bad news.
Usually the newest,
top layer of trash
just blows right into the ocean.
Yeah, I'm afraid your Big Wheel
may be gones for good.
Dear God, this is horrible!
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!
Phew. Ooh, something smells good
in this box.
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!
Damn it. Monica's not responding
to any of my texts.
You're still tryin'
to bang that 44-year-old?
- What are you sending her?
- Mostly porn.
Just shots of rods.
All angles.
Up, down, left, right.
Lois, maybe you could help me
ask out this woman I met.
She's close to your age.
But she won't respond
to any of my texts.
Oh, well, that's easy.
Just ask her if she's all
caught up on This Is Us.
(phone vibrates)
She says, "I'm one behind,
so no spoilers.
Hysterical laughing face,
hysterical laughing face."
How-how is that funny?
It's not, but you're in.
Great. This is exactly
the stuff I need to know.
Lois, will you teach me the ways
of the middle-aged woman?
All right.
I'm a sucker for romance.
Thanks, Lois. This could open up
a whole new world for me.
Like one of those kids
who gets a device
that allows them to hear
for the first time.
Billy, can you hear?
Yes!
Amazing! This is amazing.
Your mom and I are going
to get a divorce.
I'm in love with someone else,
and I didn't want
to say it with the silly hands.
Brian, I've been doing research
on my Big Wheel.
If it ended up in the ocean,
it most likely has traveled
to Garbage Island.
What's Garbage Island?
The other name for the
North Atlantic Garbage Patch,
an enormous cluster
of man-made debris
floating in the middle
of the ocean.
This is terrible.
We got to raise awareness,
- let people know about it.
- I agree.
It's like
a giant garbage whirlpool.
Brian?
You heard me.
Anyway, I'm heading there
to find my Big Wheel.
Perhaps you'll come with me.
Boating to an island of garbage?
I'm in.
Maybe Peter will come, too.
Hey, Peter,
want to go on a boat ride?
Oh, uh, I can't be in stories
for a couple of episodes.
(whispering):
I'm real-life pregnant.
Oh, my God. I had no idea.
(high-pitched):
I know!
Anyway, Mama's got to
get off her feet.
All right, time to retrieve my
Big Wheel from Garbage Island.
Let's do it.
Hey, how'd you get the money
to rent this boat anyway?
Oh, I got a part-time job
at Target.
Okay, technically, I work at
the weird, in-store Pizza Hut.
ANNOUNCER:
The Target In-Store Pizza Hut.
Feed it to your fat kid while
you buy off-brand tennis shoes.
Now, Glenn, I'm gonna help you
get into the mind
of a middle-aged woman.
Step one: we all go friggin'
nuts over Yankee Candles,
so to help you learn all the
flavors, I made a little quiz.
I'm gonna give you a name,
and you tell me
if it's the name of
a Yankee Candle or a porn star.
- Okay.
- Black Coconut.
Porn star?
No, that's a candle.
Amber Gold.
- Candle?
- That is a candle.
April Showers.
Um... both?
Very good. I tried to trick you
there, but you got it. Both.
Okay, okay,
I'm writing this all down.
But, Lois, Monica agreed
to have dinner with me tomorrow.
That's great!
I suppose.
But I don't think
I can pull it off by myself.
Will you come and just be nearby
to give me tips and help me
get through it?
Fine, but I'll have
to rearrange my schedule.
Friday nights are when
Peter and I do edibles
and go to the aquarium.
This is awesome.
Peter, I'm freaking out.
Yeah, don't-don't...
don't ruin it for me.
Okay, I spy something blue.
Uh... the ocean?
Nope.
The sky?
Hey, you got it in two, bud.
That ties the record.
Stewie, I'm starting to wonder
if we didn't think this
all the way through.
No, it's fine.
It'll all be worth it
once we get to Garbage Island.
Not a lot of wind today.
No.
Hey, what causes wind?
Well, if my reading material
has taught me anything,
it's just a cloud with lips.
Blustery...
is a good word.
Uh-huh.
Mm... Moana.
Mm.
I never saw Moana.
You never saw Moana?
(phone vibrates)
Your blowout looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So, um, I noticed a yoga mat
in the back of your car.
- How often do you do yoga?
- (phone vibrates)
- Is everything all right?
- Hmm?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
My, um... my-my dad
locked himself out of his car.
Oh, sorry.
Do you need to help him?
Um, no, uh, no.
He, um, he broke, uh...
broke the window with his foot.
High heel. My dad's a woman now.
- Oh.
- (phone vibrates)
(chuckles)
You're lucky we came here.
I almost suggested Mickey D's.
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
That's so informal.
Are you talking
about McDonald's?
- (chuckles): Yeah, yeah!
- (phone vibrates)
Another thing
I was just thinking about is...
"AMBER Alert,
white Honda Accord,
license plate..."
Uh, uh, I mean,
Pinterest sure has
some neat pictures of sinks.
Doesn't it?
Listen, what if we just bail
on dinner
and head back to my place?
Great! I'm in.
Wait! You have to pay
for the bread.
Hey!
You have to pay for the bread!
You have to pay for the bread!
You have to pay
for the bread!
The bread!
(crying):
You have to pay
for the bread!
(crying)
(creaking)
(grunting)
Moana?
Oh, my God. Brian.
Look!
We made it!
We made it to Garbage Island!
My God, I don't believe it.
Whoa, look at all the packaging
from Mickey D's.
What? Oh, my God,
I've never heard that.
"Mickey D's."
That is just great.
Anyway, let's start looking
for my Big Wheel.
Hey, check it out,
a VCR just sitting here.
I'm taking this sucker home.
(grunts)
(gasps)
Oh, crap.
Brian, you idiot.
Now how the hell are we supposed
to get back to land?
We're both going to die.
Oh, look, a message in a bottle
is washing up.
Maybe this'll help.
PETER:
Dear England: Enclosed,
please find one bottle fart
in exchange for Russell Brand.
We feel this is
appropriate compensation.
Yours, et cetera, America.
- (flatulence)
- (groaning)
Damn it, Brian!
How could you sink our boat?
We're going to die!
MAN:
You guys need any help?
- Aah!
- Aah! Who the hell are you?
Name's Taylor. 'Sup?
How the hell did you get here?
Oh, I, uh...
I-I fell off a booze cruise.
- You what?
- Yep, washed up here.
Matter of fact, we all did.
How are you all planning
to get back home?
Get back home?
Why would we want to do that?
Yeah, we've got everything
we need here.
There's tons of free,
half-eaten food that washes up.
And we just bang each other
all day.
That, uh...
that doesn't sound terrible.
Hey, so, we've been stuck
out here for over 20 years.
Can you catch us up
on all the important things
that we've missed?
So, no way!
Kylie Jenner and Tyga
are no longer together?
Splitsville, my friend.
How did Robert Kardashian die?
Guilt cancer.
From what?
Oh, boy.
So people thought the dancing
Judge Itos were funny?
For a while, yes.
Is Leno still doing it?
No, he's not hosting anymore.
Oh, so Conan got
The Tonight Show?
- (sighs)
- Oh, come o...
A-And so what about
Craig Kilborn? Is he still on?
I'm actually right here.
Oh, right. Hey, Craig.
Oh, hi, Glenn.
I haven't seen you in a while.
H-How are things with Monica?
Who?
Monica, y-your hot date
from the other night.
Oh, yeah. I plowed her.
Thanks again.
But-but I thought
she was the one.
Yeah, no, what I realized is
that all those texts
you sent me,
they're like my bible now.
I just keep using these
same tips on different women.
I owe you, Lois.
You've opened up a whole world
of middle-aged legs to me.
(humming)
Oh, my God. Quagmire's
terrorizing middle-aged women,
and I'm responsible for it.
I've created a monster.
Oh, no! My Luna Bar for women.
(haunting music playing)
♪ ♪
Please call the DWP.
I'm stuck in here.
♪ ♪
(seabird squawks in distance)
Hey, what day is it?
Trash day.
(both laughing)
Brian, look,
I found my Big Wheel.
- Cool.
- It's more than cool, Brian.
I believe the Big Wheel
may actually be our ticket
off the island.
You see, I've calculated that,
even with both of our weights,
it will still be capable
of flotation.
My plan is to attach
six Jimmy Buffett
margarita machines to it,
which should be able
to propel us home.
Home? I don't think
I want to go home.
What?
What are you talking about?
I'm saying I like it here
on Garbage Island.
O-Okay, I-I don't think
I can talk to you,
because, right now,
you're making less sense
than an M.C. Escher floor plan.
So, how's it coming?
Are we gonna finish on schedule?
I don't know, Mr. Escher.
I've never put six stairways
all in one spot.
And I've lost, like,
ten of my guys in here.
Hey, I need a hammer!
I hate this place!
I quit!
(grunts)
Uh, 'scuse me, I'm-I'm looking
for anything by...
Mike "Bubble"?
LOIS:
It's "Bublé," you idiot!
Oh, hey, Lo... Ow!
That feels great!
Glenn Quagmire, I tried
to help you meet a nice woman,
but you just couldn't help
yourself, could you?
What are you talking about?
I thought
I was helping you find love,
and, instead,
you used me as a tool
to get down every middle-aged
woman's pants in town.
Slacks, Lois.
They call them slacks.
You wouldn't know that
if it wasn't for me!
(sighs)
You're right.
You were kind to me,
and I took advantage of it.
I owe you an apology.
Well, thank you.
Here, let me make it up to you.
I'll buy you a coffee, and...
do you like the music of Ray...
"LaMountain"?
"LaMontagne."
Thank you.
Hey, beautiful,
you want to take
a pointless girl-stride walk
and listen to Ray LaMontagne?
- Sure.
- Great.
See ya, Lois.
Last chance, Brian.
You're really not coming
with me?
I'm sorry, Stewie.
I'm not.
I know it's weird to say, but...
it's kind of just too perfect
for me here.
I see.
Well, I should go.
Fort Lauderdale Tanya found
a four-piece puzzle
she's been struggling with.
TANYA:
Where does the cow go?
It's all corners, babe.
(sighs)
I have to say,
I never imagined
saying goodbye to you, Brian.
So long take very good care
dear friend of mine farewell.
That's odd phrasing.
Sorry, it's been hard
to think straight.
From the moment we arrived,
I've either been drunk
or ejaculating.
These are things
you don't say to a baby.
Goodbye, Brian.
Goodbye, Stewie.
♪ ♪
(whirring)
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my lady ♪
♪ In the sun
with your hair undone ♪
♪ Can you hear me now ♪
♪ Callin' your name
from across the bay? ♪
♪ A summer's day
laughin' and a-hidin' ♪
♪ Chasin' love out
on Thunder Island ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪
(people exclaiming)
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- ♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
- (screaming)
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
Stewie, what the hell's
going on?
We're back in Quahog?
- We are, Brian.
- Why? What happened?
You're an enormously important
part of my life, Brian,
and I couldn't bear
the thought of losing you.
I assumed it unlikely
you'd change your mind,
so I added the fans
from many, many Dell laptops
to the back of my Big Wheel
so I could simply
tow everyone back to land.
Wow.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Well, our journey taught me
something, Brian.
You can throw away just about
anything in this world,
but you can't throw away
a friendship.
No, you can't, Stewie.
Cool if I say goodbye
to the garbage?
You do what you got to do,
you gross dog.
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do. ♪
♪ Sweet sunshine ♪
♪ So, sha-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ My lady ♪
♪ In the sun
with your dress undone ♪
♪ Now every mile aw... ♪
(Muzak version
of "Thunder Island" playing)
Sausage and pepperoni for Alan?
Alan?
(sniffs) God, that smells good,
doesn't it?
- Alan?
- Yeah.
But, actually,
I ordered just pepperoni.
(sighs)
Can I see your receipt?
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH