Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 5 - Three Directors - full transcript

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

# But where are those
Good old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's a family guy #

Peter, I need you to take
Chris and Meg to school.

Today I finally kill that squirrel
that's been eating our tomatoes.



Try to get, like, eight of them
this time. I wanna make bruschetta.

Oh, can't the kids just walk?

You know I like to watch
two full movies before I go to work.

No, Peter, they can't walk,
it's three miles.

SIGHS
Fine, I'll take them.

But you better keep those goggles,

cos I'm gonna put them
to good use tonight.

POWER SAW BUZZING LOUDLY

Once the floor is full of sawdust,
we can eat peanuts in here.

Dad, are you sure it's OK
that we took Brian's car?

It's his own fault.
He's the one who keeps his key

in the visor like
a carefree hillbilly.

OK, everybody out. I don't want
the cool kids to know I'm your dad.

CHATTER



Hey, Chris. Guess who I just scored
as my date to the homecoming dance.

Vice-Principal McGuire.
Really?

Yeah, her husband just died of ALS,
so she is ready to get at it.

Hey there, strong guy.
Not now, Brenda.

She says I have the body of
a 50-year-old before it gets ALS.

So, who are you gonna go with?

I was thinking of asking
Kara Morris.

Why don't you ask her now?
Her locker's right over there.

Um, y... Uh, yeah, OK.

Hi, Kara. I was wondering, um,
if you'd like to go

to the homecoming dance with me?
Oh, hi, robot from Big Hero 6.

No, but thank you.

His name is Baymax,
you gorgeous moron!

All right, red light. Time to text
and shave and whittle and floss.

Thanks for getting here
so quickly. What?

I'm sorry. You're in a Prius.
I just assumed you were my Uber.

I don't know what that is
on account of being dull.

Uber. It's like a cab,
except it feels like a game

cos it's from your phone.
Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.

Can I just give you 20 bucks
to drop me off?

Wow, 20 bucks just to
drive you across town?

Maybe I should be an Uber driver.
I mean, I could use the extra money.

It's got to be easier
than when I was delivering pizzas.

All right, push. Push.
Come on, almost there.

Almost there, just one more push.
Here it is!

Oh, it's half Hawaiian.
I believe that's ours.

You poor fool.

GRUNTING

Hey, Stewie.
What's up, big guy?

None of the girls at school want
to go to Homecoming with me.

Probably cos everyone calls me names
like "Big Nips"

and "Fat Nips"
and "Big Fat Nips".

Oh, don't listen to them,
Big Fat Nips.

They're just being haters.
What's a "hater"?

It's something people say instead
of working to change their flaws.

You just gotta do what
Taylor Swift does and shake it off.

Who's Taylor Swift?

Oh, my God! Am I about to
introduce you to Taylor Swift?

W-What is she, a singer?

She's much more than
a singer, Chris.

She's, she's... She's the queen!

A goddess! A gazelle
in a high-waisted swimsuit!

Uh, sorry, if you're neither insane,

nor clowns, nor a posse,
I'm not interested.

I have an idea.

You should ask Taylor Swift
to the homecoming dance!

What? Why would she go
to a dance with me?

I'm telling you, this is exactly
the kind of thing she would do.

She's such a sweetheart.
Oh, I'm going limp.

MOANS
I'm just gonna lie here moaning,

thinking about Taylor Swift.

MOANING
Tay-Tay.

How would I even ask her? It's easy.
You and I will just make a video

about how sad you are
and put it online.

She's very interactive
with all her fans.

I guess it's worth a shot.
Of course it is.

If she says yes,
you'll surprise everyone,

just like you did on New Year's Eve.

ALL: Three, two, one!

Some animals give me boners!

"AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING

Hi. Uh, I'd like to be
an Uber driver.

OK, sure. Welcome aboard.

Don't I... Don't I need to
fill out a form or...?

Oh, right, yeah, of course.

"Name." Peter Griffin.

"Criminal history."

This section is optional.
I will skip this.

And done.

Here you go.
Yeah, none of this really matters.

All I need to know is do you have
a car, a phone and a face?

It's my dog's car. And I know you
didn't ask, but I am quick to anger.

OK, great. Now get out there and try
to kiss as many ladies as you can.

The record is 60 in a month.

You, sir, are officially
an Uber driver.

PHONE RINGS
BEEPING

SPEAKING GIBBERISH

MUSIC PLAYING

This is some good stuff, Chris.
I think it's ready to post.

Actually, Stewie, I changed my mind.

I made my own video and posted it.
What? How could you do that?

Stewie, I didn't want to do
all that fancy stuff,

so I just did a video of me
speaking from the heart.

You know, telling her how much
it would mean if a girl like her

went to homecoming
with a guy like me.

I couldn't even stay awake
during that description.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hey, she already posted
a response. What?

Hey, Chris Griffin.

I just saw your video, and I'd love
to go to your dance with you.

All right, I gotta go
eat an ice-cream cone.

Cos us stars are just like you.

Oh, my God!
BOTH CHATTER EXCITEDLY

Uh-oh. This means I have
an awkward phone call to make.

What? No, no, it was stupid.
What, two guys going to Homecoming?

I... I assumed it was
a goof this whole time.

Take it out. I'm ugly and unlovable.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight: pop star
Taylor Swift is coming to Quahog

to attend a dance with
local high-schooler Chris Griffin.

But first we go to commercial
while our sports reporter smiles

and spins a football
for some reason.

Wow, Chris, I'm so excited.

You actually have a date
with Taylor Swift!

Thanks, Mom. Did I do good?
Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now?

I don't know why
you always ask for that.

That's not a thing in our family.

Oh, Rupert,

I can't believe Taylor Swift is
actually going to be in our house.

I haven't been this excited
since I abused

those caffeine pills
to get ready for the big show.

Everything will be fine
as long as I take one of these.

Pills? You actually are taking
drugs? Stewie, give me those.

I can't, Zach!
I need them to sing!

GRUNTING

# I'm so excited, I'm so excited #

I'm so scared!
SOBBING

Screech is going to stab someone
on Christmas.

Oh, Chris, you look
so handsome in your tux.

This must be how Meat Loaf looked
when he went to the prom.

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, that must be her!

STEWIE YELPS

Hi. You must be Chris. I'm Taylor.

What's up?

CHUCKLES
It's so nice to finally meet you.

Your video was so sweet. And I can't
wait to go to the dance tonight.

Me, too. Would you like to come in?

Hi. Peter Griffin, leering dad.
Quick question. In Shake It Off,

you invite us to get down to, quote,
"this sick beat."

Yet the beat you then provide
is rather mild.

My question is this -
may I lick your legs?

Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin.
I'm your biggest fan.

I don't mean that like a psycho,
I just... I'm not! I'm not a psycho!

Oh, you're a cutie.

OK, so, let's talk
about Harry Styles.

Now, you don't have to say anything.

I'm just gonna slowly pull out
this tape measure,

and you indicate when I should stop.
OK, here I go.

Still going.

Oh, my God, you bitch! Seriously?

Taylor, this is my sister Meg
and our dog Brian.

Nice to meet you both.
We're not all so impressed.

I've met Dan Aykroyd.

I'm sorry, uh, which cast member
of Hee Haw are you?

Will you be nice?

OK, well, we should probably go.

It was so nice to meet you all,
except for the girl and the dog.

Sorry about my family.
Don't apologise. They seem nice.

Well, you wouldn't say that
if you ever saw us at the movies.

All right, we got
our popcorn from home,

our soda from home, our snacks
from home and Braveheart.

FILM MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP

Where you headed?
The airport.

Great. Just a couple of errands
and we'll get you there.

That was one bitch of a class.

Anyways, what time's your flight?
It's in 20 minutes!

Oh, boy, I can't make it in 20
minutes. I better call you a Lyft.

CAR STEREO BLARING
Come on, hurry up, get in!

I hope you like The Offspring.

Let's go!

GENTLE POP MUSIC PLAYING

Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!
She's here with him?

You guys, Mr Buell's taking
a door-open dook in the bathroom!

I hope this isn't too boring
for you.

No, this is so cool!
I always sing about high school,

but I've never actually
seen one in person.

Would you like to dance?
Sure.

But you're gonna have to stand back,
like, five and a half feet.

Cool! You dance like
an unattended fire hose.

Wow! It's like your dance
tells a whole story.

Right? You are the only one
who's ever gotten that.

Usually people just shove a wallet
in my mouth and call 911.

You know, Chris,
I'm having a great time.

You're so cool and down-to-earth.
I like you, too, Taylor.

I was scared meeting a celebrity,
but you're so nice and normal.

I feel totally comfortable
around you.

Well, why don't you
just kiss her, Griffin?

Sorry, I just smoked a joint
with the pickup truck kids.

That was really fun, Chris.

I hope you don't mind
I made the band pay me a royalty

for each of my songs they played.
Of course not.

I hope you didn't mind I showed you
who every locker belongs to.

No, I thought that was nice.

I've never had a locker.

I just keep my stuff
in stupid mansions.

Can I finger you?
Sure!

"Hi. I'm Taylor Swift.
I'm famous, but I'm really nice."

Aw, that's one of the best
fingerings I've ever had.

What are you working
on there, Chris?

Oh, I'm making a collage for Taylor
of some of her favourite things.

Here's flowers and crop tops

and pictures of Kanye West
with his mouth shut.

Wow, you two seem to have
a wonderful connection.

We do, Mom.

You know, she's the first girl
to ever really understand me.

Uh, you guys?

You might want to see this video
Bonnie posted on Facebook.

Why are you on
Bonnie's Facebook page?

Cos she's a BLEEP smoke-show.

# Cos I know you're just
Blubber in a dress shirt

# He licked his armpit
Then ate all my dinner and dessert

# Chris Griffin is a pig
In every way

# Oh, oh,

# Blubber, blubber, blubber, oh

# Blubber, blubber, oh #

Oh, and some animals
give him boners.

BALLOONS POP

"AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING

What the hell?
Why would she do this?

Wait, wait, wait.
What's that next video?

MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, Daughtry!

I'm a mom, so I love this.

Chris, what happened?

I thought you said Taylor had a good
time the other night.

We did! She even let me grab
the part of her body

which on others would be a butt.

Wow, look at these comments.
Everyone hates you, Chris.

She's right. Check it out.
You're already a meme.

Aw, man, Chris, this computer is
telling me that you done Swifted up.

Why would she do
something like this?

Because this is
what Taylor Swift does.

She gets into relationships,
sabotages them,

and then writes angry songs
about it.

I just wish I could talk to her.
Well, why can't we?

She has a house in Rhode Island.
We could go today.

GASPS
Oh, my God, we can go today!

My schedule is wide-ass open!

We can't just show up there.
Why not?

We've done crazier things before.
Remember when we sent that tweet?

All right, you ready?

Freeze! We're the Internet police!

You guys are going away
for a long time.

Hey, what are you in for?

I said Caitlyn Jenner
wasn't brave and beautiful.

Brian, there's some bad people
in here.

Hey, what's up?
I'm just going to Quahog Stadium.

OK, would you like the AC on
or the windows down?

How about both?
GASPS

Pretty great, right?
It is! It really is!

Thank you, genius person!
No problem.

Hey, you ever go in a hot tub
when it's snowing outside?

Oh! What?

Ms Swift, your songwriting team
is here.

We got a socko tune for you, Taylor.
Hit it, Morty!

PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

# Lox and bagels and bagels and lox
I like being a girl #

OK, one thought.

What if we change "lox" to "boys"
and "bagels" to "problems"?

Oh, that's perfect.

Like when you changed
"pickle it good" to "shake it off".

All right, we got our homework.

Hi, Taylor.
Chris?

What are you guys doing here?
I wanted to talk to you.

Your house is way nicer
than Anne Murray's.

We broke in there, too.

Taylor, why did you write
that song about me?

I thought we had a real connection.
We do. I really like you, Chris.

I just...
I'm sorry. I always do this.

I ruin relationships with nice guys
and John Mayer

just so I can write songs
about heartbreak and moving on.

But don't you think
that's unhealthy?

You're never gonna find a real
relationship if you keep doing this.

Listen, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings, Chris.

Let me make it up to you.

Why don't you guys all come
to my show tonight as my guests?

Are you serious?
Backstage with Taylor Swift?

Hey, pal, where we heading again?
Just go down this dark alley.

What the hell's going on?

This is what we do
to Uber drivers in this town.

GRUNTS

Stop! Stop! Please stop!

The sound of your leather jackets
is excruciating!

You can't just buy a phone
and become a cab driver!

Please, I have two families!

GRUNTING

THEY HISS
Stay back!

Where... Where did you get that?

Judd Hirsch himself.
I was a boy, no more than 11 or 12.

Was on the side of the road.
Man with a hat pulled up next to me.

Said I reminded him of him
when he was my age.

I was just a boy husking corn.
Didn't know what it meant.

Of course, we were all husking corn
back then

just to keep the lights on.

And you burned my car while I was
telling my fake Judd Hirsch story.

UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

God, I hate everybody
who's not backstage.

This next song is a new one.

It's about my boyfriend Chris.

# I'm pretty and I'm rich
And I'm in love

# Me, Taylor

# I've met the guy
That I've been dreaming of

# Me, Taylor. #
CROWD BOOING

Wow, they hate it.

This stinks!
We like you when you're miserable!

You guys, Mr Buell's taking
a door-open dook in the bathroom!

Why were they being so mean to you?

Well, I guess they're just used
to me being sad and hurt by men.

But I don't care
if they like it, Chris.

I'm happy with you.

I'm happy with you, too.

But it doesn't seem like your fans
like this new, happy Taylor.

Are you willing to risk losing them
and jeopardise your career

and your art just for us?

I think I am.

CROWD BOOING

Oh. Well, I don't know if I am.

What? What are you saying?

INHALES DEEPLY
I'm saying that, Taylor Swift,

you are a spoiled, ostrich-legged,
no-talent, big-footed freak.

You pretend to relate to your fans,

but you make your bodyguards
carry your purse.

All your songs sound the same.

And your cats aren't that cute.

Thank you, Chris.

This next song is about
my dumb ex-boyfriend,

who either mistreated me,
cheated on me

or went to massage parlours
when I was out of town.

CROWD CHEERING

Wow, Chris, that was really
nice of you.

Yeah, I guess.

Don't worry, there'll be
plenty of girls for you.

No-one will ever be close
to as good as her,

but we'll find you someone.

What about a motorcycle lady?
You know, like an old gal?

Her grandchildren call her
by her first name?

Let's get out of here.
I called us an Uber.

SLURRING: How many tooths
is not enough tooths?

Well, kids, your father
may have gotten beat up,

but Uber's still a great job for
anyone afraid to sell their blood.

And, Chris, I'm sorry it didn't
work out with you and Taylor Swift.

I think we're all sorry about that,
Brian,

but I'm afraid we are out of time.

I would like to thank
our guests Taylor Swift,

Chris Griffin, Stewie and Brian,

Cleveland Brown
and his band of Brown Renown...

Hey, we'll see you down
in Brown Town, huh, Cleveland?

Oh, I ain't even gonna go there,
Peter.

BASS NOTE

We apologise
to the greased-up deaf guy.

Didn't have time for him tonight,

but let's see if we can get him back
next week,

when Amanda Peet will be here
with stand-up Dom Irrera.

Good night, everybody.

APPLAUSE

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