Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 19 - The Unkindest Cut - full transcript

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# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies

# And sex on TV

# But where are those good
old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man who

# Positively can do

# All the things that make us...
# Laugh and cry!

# He's a family guy! #



Ah, the waterpark.
Happy anniversary, Lois.

Everybody meet back here
in six hours.

I can't wait to get everyone else's
body water in my mouth!

Uh, where's the slide?

Just eat this Starburst.

Wow! Lemons, oranges, cherries -
so juicy!

(THUD!)

I don't think that was a Starburst,
I think that may have been acid.

Would you like to ride the
Skittles rainbow? Is it also acid?

I'm adult who works at a waterpark,
if I give you something, it's acid.

No going down head first,
and wait till I say it's OK.

Go.

Go.

Hey!



MEG: I'm gaining on you, Brian!
BRIAN: Meg, slow down!

You're coming way too fast!

Ew! Brian, what happened?

I don't know.

Hey, idiot, you've gotta wait
till the guy says, "Go!"

Excuse me,
do you think you can help me out?

Sure. Just let me do an awkward,
unattractive pool walk over to you.

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Hey, what's up?

My top came off on the slide.

I think I may have seen...

you put it in your shorts.

OK, well, here's my shorts.
Just fish out the one that's yours.

Thank you so much.

I'm Isabella.
I'm Chris.

Listen, my aunt is waiting for me,
but it was nice to meet you, Chris.

You, too.

Enjoy the boobs of your morning...

Afternoon!
Enjoy the boobs of your afternoon!

(GIGGLES)

My word! Chris, that girl
was totally into you!

You should ask her out.
Really?

What if she says, "No."
If you want something, go for it.

Like the fat man did
when he changed his name.

I'm looking for a Peter Ferrari.

Obviously that's me.
Yes.

There's a soiled pair of Ferrari
underwear in the men's room trash.

Who took them out of the sink?!
They were soaking!

I can't park this,
there's diarrhoea over the
front seat of your PT Cruiser.

Isabella!

Listen, I'm not great at this,
but...

Told you.

Also, I was wondering if there's any
chance you'd wanna go out with me?

Aw, Chris, that's sweet,

but I don't think
you'd wanna go out with me.

Why not?
It's just that...

well, I have kids.

Oh, wow!

And a couple of cuties!

Have we got any teeth coming in?

Oh! Oh, I think I feel something.

Please... Please don't do that.

Hey, your aunt is Consuela?

Hi, Consuela.
You two know each other?

Oh, yeah. Lemon Pledge,
"No, no," all that stuff.

Is time to go.

Lemon Pledge. No, no.

(LAUGHS) See?

But wait, Isabella,
I don't care that you have kids,

I'd still like to go out with you.

Wow! That's really sweet, Chris.

OK, you're on.

Here's my number.

Oh, boy!

I haven't been this excited
since our trip to Philadelphia!

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
flight 427 to Philadelphia

has been cancelled.

ALL: Yay!

I saw Lady and the Tramp,

so I asked if we could eat spaghetti
in the alley,

but they said, "No," cos of
all the homeless masturbation.

Oh, I love that movie!

Chris, I'm having a really nice time
with you.

You are?!

Listen, this is probably lame,

but I learned a little bit of your
language, and I wanted to say...

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

What language is that?

You're Korean, are you not?

No! I'm Mexican.

(SPEAKS KOREAN)

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey, Chris. Where are you off to?
Isabella's coming by,

and we're gonna take the kids
to the park.

You two are spending
a lot of time together.

Are you sure you wanna date a girl
who's... had so much experience?

What do you mean?

Like, maybe she's got
some city miles on her voo-voo.

Not to mention a couple of blowouts!

Hey, Bri...
Yeah, I heard you.

She's talking about her kids, Chris.

I don't care. I wanna make sure
you're not in over your head.

I'm sure someone's already been in
there deeper than that, Lois!

Brian!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, hello, Isabella!

Hi, Mrs Griffin, Mr Griffin.

Mr Griffin's up here, sweetheart.

Well, I guess you two have fun.
OK, bye!

I can see why you're concerned
Chris' girlfriend has kids,

but he's happy,

and she seems like she's into him.

Plus, she's... she's hot.

Yeah, she is.

I bit my lip off.

(TAP ON WINDOW)

(BANG ON WINDOW)

(SIGHS)
(BANG ON WINDOW)

Go away, Mr Herbert!

MR HERBERT:
It's not me, I'm in your closet!

Isabella!

Is everything OK?

Chris, I just wanted to say goodbye.
What... What do you mean?

I found out
that I'm going to be deported.

They're sending me back to Mexico
in the morning.

This could have waited
till the morning?

I didn't wanna leave
without saying goodbye.

They can't send you away!

There's gotta be something
we can do!

There's not.
But don't worry,

I'm planning on getting back into
the country as soon as I can.

What are you gonna do,
leave the babies with Consuela?

I wish I could,
but she works seven days a week,

between housekeeping
and being the new CEO of Yahoo!

Maybe we should improve
our business model. No, no.

Improve our original content?

No, no.

So, we have no corporate identity?

We secondary e-mail people use
to sign up for porn sites.

So are you taking your boys back
with you?

I guess I have no choice.

But I hate having to.

The whole reason I left Mexico
was to give them a better life.

Well, I could take them
until you get back.

I'm no expert at this sort of thing,
but...

Wow! You're getting better at that!

But I can't ask you
to take care of my children.

Isabella, I want to do this.

Chris, stop.

You would really look after my kids
for me? Of course I would.

You're a wonderful man,
Chris Griffin.

Thank you! Gracias!
I'll be back as soon as I can.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna take good care of you.

I'm gonna call you Juan,

and I'm gonna call you Two.

Good, he's been reading the book.

Uh, Dad, you're reading the paper
upside-down.

Wrong again, idiot.

What are you doing
with Isabella's babies?

Why are you holding them that way?
You'll hurt them!

Where's Isabella?
She got deported this morning.

Deported?!
And she left her babies with you?

Well, just until she can come back.
Chris, are you crazy?

What makes you think
you can take care of two babies?

I've seen her take care of them,
I see you with Stewie,

it doesn't seem that hard.

You just shattered her world.

Shattered.

Absolutely not, Chris.

I will not allow this.

I made a promise to Isabella,
and I'm gonna keep it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
these two need to eat.

He bought a breast-feeding book,
someone may wanna pop in.

There's no way Chris is gonna be
able to take care of two babies!

Maybe he should have thought of that
before he opened his legs!

That's not...
We gotta call Child Services.

If you do, Chris will resent you
for the rest of his life.

What do you suggest we do?
Let him try.

One day of watching those kids
and he'll want them out of here.

(SIGHS) Fine. Yes, taking
care of kids is a 24-hour job.

Like when I worked at that
all-night diner from that painting.

They kicked me out of the war
for kissing a guy.

All right, guys,
nothing but the best for you two,

so I got you all organic,
non-GMO, no hormone food.

That'll be $500.

Ah, well, sorry, kids, looks like
we're gonna go to Jersey Mike's

and hope future science
will save us.

Yay! We're jar people!

(SCREAMS) Science, help!

Jersey Mike's - bring your
girlfriend with the fat ass here!

Hey, guys, how about a little TV?
We can watch a baby thing together.

Baby Einstein.

Muppet Babies.

Uh, what's CSI: Babies?

(CRYING)

What's this?! They can't solve this,
they're frightened babies!

They don't know it's a crime, they
just know their parents aren't there!

I'm scared. Turn this off!

Ah, that's not what I want!
I'm gonna go hide in my couch fort!

Is CSI: Babies over yet?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, hello, Consuela.

You must be here for the twins.
No. No take babies.

I have good news and ay-ay-ay news.

OK.

Give us the ay-ay-ay news first.

Isabella no can come back,
stuck in Mexico.

The babies, they stay here.

What?!
What's the good news?

Good news is
bus get new wiper blades.

No more,
"Eee-pa-pa-pa-pa, eee-pa-pa-pa-pa."

Well, these kids are not
staying here - you gotta take them!

How can I take them

when I was never here?

Wow!
She's like the Mexican David Blaine.

Wait, is David Blaine Mexican?

He's something.
Peter, forget that!

What are we gonna do?

Chris can't be stuck
with these babies!

Why not? I'm doing a great job.
I love Isabella and I love her kids.

You're living in a dream land!

How are you gonna support
two babies?

I could take some time off school
and get a job.

No! Absolutely not!

Hold on, Lois. Hold on.

Maybe Chris getting
a job's not the worst idea.

I made pretty good money when
I hosted that confusing game show.

Phil, stand by me,
it's Ashley's turn.

Ashley, pick an answer,
find a question, spin the table,

and remember,
the clock is ticking backwards.

I'll pass?
(BUZZ)

Congrats, you win!
Sorry to see you go.

Phil, we'll see you tomorrow.
That's all the time we have.

For those of you playing at home,
why, and how?

Audience.
AUDIENCE: Why, and how?

Stop that!

Forget it! I will not allow you
to drop out of school!

If Isabella can't get here
to take her kids back,

we'll have to bring them to her.
What? What do you mean?

We're going to Mexico

so we can give these kids back
to their mother.

Peter, back me up here.

ALL: # Let's get those kids back
to their momma #

Look how winded he is
from that one spin.

(GASPS) Your mother's right, Chris.

We're going to Mexico.

(PANTING)

I've gotta sit.

(PANTING)

All right, we're off to Mexico.

If you kids are good, we'll bring
you back a tangled marionette.

Is it gonna be a long trip?
No.

Especially since we're gonna do it
to the wrong stock footage.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

Boy, what a trip!

Chris, are you sure
this is Isabella's village?

This place looks pretty rough.

Yeah, this is it - Santa Terrible.

Look! There she is!

Chris, what in the Mind of Mencia
are you doing here?

My babies!

Isabella, I missed you so much!

Chris, I missed you, too!

Isabella, you shouldn't be separated
from your children,

so we've brought them to you.

We wish you all the best.
Say goodbye, Chris.

We can't just leave them here.

This is no place
for Isabella to raise a family!

(SIGHS) You're right, Chris.

I didn't want you to have to raise
those babies yourself,

but as a mom, I don't know
if I can leave this family here.

We'll just have to smuggle
her and her babies back in.

No-one's better at smuggling
than El Chapo. Maybe he can help us.

How are you gonna get El Chapo
to help? It's easy!

All you gotta do is say,
"Dyed black eyebrows," into the wind,

and he appears.

Dyed black eyebrows.

Can I help you?

Peter Gallagher?!

Maybe I can help?

Mark Cuban?!

We're getting
all the wrong eyebrow guys!

Mrs Griffin, you would take the risk

of smuggling me and my children
across the border?

You could be arrested!
I realise that,

but you have just as much right
to a decent life for your children

as anyone else.

We just need a plan.
All right.

What if we... Run!

(COUGHS) Damn it, Peter!

What about Quagmire?

He could probably get
his hands on a plane.

That's actually a great idea!

"Actually"?
Why are you saying it like that?

Quagmire owes me a favour.

Last time he went out of town,
I sat on his eggs.

Peter, it's time for lunch.

Sorry, Lois, can't leave the eggs
till Quagmire gets back.

We're having sloppy joes!

Well, I guess I haven't seen
that mongoose in a while.

We're having sloppy joes!
Yeah, I heard.

Please say you got the onion bun.
We're having sloppy joes!

(GASPS) Mongoose!

(GASPS) Mongeese!

Just a heads up -
my dad's friend, Mr Quagmire,

is gonna say a lot of stuff to you
and it's all gonna be disgusting.

You must be Isabella -
I came as soon as I heard about you!

And then I got on my plane.
All right!

MAN: Hold it right there!

Uh-oh! Somebody's coming!
Now hold on, hold on.

I put my business card in a fishbowl
in an El Torito,

this could be about that.

Policia! Put your hands up!

Is this about the raffle
for the free lunch?

Does it have to be during the week?
Because I...

Are we being arrested?
We've done nothing wrong.

We're not arresting you,
we're taking your plane.

Javier, get their keys
and take their SUV.

Aw, that stupid, fat Guido!

No, Peter,
that's the wrong racial slur.

I know, I was thinking about Snooki.

Boy, I can't believe there'd be
corrupt cops in Mexico!

Yeah, Donald Trump was right,

his daughter is a hot piece of ass!

Uh, you guys, don't panic,

but there's a couple of coyotes
over there.

Oh, like Coyote Ugly
with Piper Perabo.

Is that... Per... Perry-bo?

Pera... Pera-boo?

Pera-boo? Say it with me, "Pe-ra-bo."

Is that right?

It's weird, but you remember.

You know, I guess that's the point.
Do you think she's set for life?

Peter, we're about to die!

(SNARLING)

No! My babies!

Get out of here!
You leave them alone!

Ow!

Ah, Chris!

(WHINING)

You guys, I've been bit!

And it got away with
my friendship bracelet.

You are a boy!

Chris, you saved my babies!

My God, Peter, we did nothing. We're
his parents and we did nothing.

I know, but did you see
how Chris took care of those kids?

Oh, this is awful!

Chris is injured
and we're out of food and water.

I know. I'm so thirsty, I'd be
willing to drink anyone's pee.

N-Not yours, Chris, or Peter,

but, you know, anyone.

Mom, Dad, thanks for trying to help.

I just wanted to do the right thing,

but now we're all gonna die.

D-Did you gals hear my pee thing?

(CAR APPROACHES)

Time for clean getaway!

Consuela?

Tia? Thank God!

How did you find us?

Baby's earring have chip.

Oh, well, this is great!

Can you help us get to the border?
Oh, you already in United States.

We are?!
Yes.

This Texas.

What?! So, wait, we walked across
the border and didn't even know it?

That is a problem!

Right?

I mean, politics aside,
we can all agree, that is a problem.

Thanks for the ride, Consuela.

And thanks for taking us
on that detour to Dollywood.

Was I right, or was I right?
Totally worth the extra two days.

Look, Chris, I owe you an apology.

I didn't believe in you.

I was wrong to say you couldn't
handle the responsibility

of taking care of two kids.

You risked your life
for those babies.

I didn't want them to get hurt.
That's right.

Because you care about them,
like you care about Isabella.

If you wanna continue to date her
and be a part of those kids' lives,

I'd be just fine with that.

Are you kidding? Screw that!

Looking after babies is a nightmare!
Oh, you have no idea!

You know how many times
I had you kids in the oven,

daring myself to turn it on?

Well, thanks for trusting me
to figure it out for myself.

I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, sweetheart.

Isabella, being with you
has been really great,

but I think I realise
my mom was right -

I'm too young to be taking on
this much responsibility.

I understand.

But I know some day
you will make an incredible father.

Goodbye, Chris.
Goodbye, Isabella.

(ENGINE STARTS)

LOIS: Chris, time for dinner!
We're having sloppy joes!

Oh, boy!

We're having sloppy joes!

Yeah, I heard you!

Oh, dear God!

Oh, they're all dead!

No! Please, no!

(GUNSHOTS)

We're having sloppy joes!

We're having sloppy joes!

We're having sloppy joes!

subtitles by Deluxe

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