Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 16 - Saturated Fat Guy - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER:
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Well, if you like movies in HD,

then frozen pixels,
then HD again,

the answer is "yes."

And if you love the golden year
of movies, 2003,

then we might have some
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Netflix Streaming:
buffer for 20 minutes,

then watch 35 minutes of
a movie with Jason Statham.

Oh, look what came,

the free DVD
from my PBS pledge.

Whatever it is,
we're not watching it.

Peter, trust me,

you of all people could really
learn something from this.

It's a documentary about
the food industry called,

Food Kills.



Huh. Says here that
Colon Health Magazine

gave it two thumbs in.

(somber music plays)

Hi, I'm Matt Lauer's cousin,
Stephen McCormick.

Our moms are sisters.

America is gorging itself
on processed food,

creating an obesity epidemic.

We've abandoned natural foods

for chemicals, additives
and refined sugars.

At this rate, this is what
the future will look like.

Those are flying cars,

but the people in them
are too fat.

Oh, no, I left my baby
in there.

Without drastic changes
in our diet,

Americans are headed
for a health catastrophe.

For more, go to our website at

"double-u double-u double-u
dot PBS dot com."

That's "www" dot,

the word "double-u"
three times,

the word "dot," "PBS,"

the word "dot" again,

the word "com," dot com.

There was a miscommunication
when we registered our website.

Well, that's it,
from now on,

we're eating healthy
around here.

We're gonna feel better
and we're gonna look better.

Well, looking better
doesn't always

solve your problems, Lois.

It sure didn't work for Droopy
Dog when he got that facelift.

Contrary to my appearance,
I'm still not happy.

Please study my brain so that
others don't suffer as I have.

(sad trumpet melody)

Thanks for coming to
my birthday party, you guys.

And Esther, I'm so sorry
you ripped your perineum

doing the Hokey Pokey.

That's okay, I got
free curly fries.

Okay, let's see
what Meg got me.

A crock pot?

Things about
to get crazy!

You can cook a pork
tenderloin under your bed.

Excuse me, girls.

We're about to start
roller derby in a minute.

Wait, wait.

You. What's your name?

Me? Meg Griffin.

Would you mind
standing up?

Whoa! What-what
are you doing?

My God.

The magic ratio.

What's that?

It means your ankles,
calves, and thighs

are all the
same thickness.

How would you like to try out
for the roller derby team?
Really?

Do it, Meg.
Yeah, Meg. You should
totally do it.

Meg's talking to a boy!

Okay, sure.
What the heck?

Here. Take my card.

"I am a registered
sex offender."

Flip it over.

"Important:
see other side."

Give me that.

I'm the roller derby coach.

See you at tryouts.

I can't believe it,
you guys.

This is the
biggest surprise

since the last M. Night
Shyamalan movie.

Two tickets for
the M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Wow. Really?

Hope you guys are ready
for a healthy dinner.

I went to Whole Foods today
and got this recipe

from an extremely thin man
with a giant Adam's apple.

I hate that place.

None of the cereals
are advertised on TV.

What's this stuff
that looks like sand?

It's quinoa.

Nope, I don't eat foods that
sound like karate words.

Well, according to Food Kills,
quinoa is a superfood.

It's very nutritious, and it
even helps keep you regular.

Lois,
I have a system:

I poop once a week
for an hour and a half.

I wear a headband and it's
soaked when I'm all done.

Mm.

Wow, Lois, you know,
this is actually pretty good.

Peter, you should try it.

Ugh. Fine.

(gagging)

Peter, knock it off.

I can't help it!

My body's rejecting it!

(dance music in the background)
Name?

Quinoa.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry, sir, we're full.

Come on in, gummy bears!

Oh, you are looking
fine tonight.

Mm!

Thanks again for coming
and supporting me, Chris.

No problem. And I'm
gonna take some pictures

of the other athletes,
if you don't mind.

You might not know
this about me,

but I am a bit
of a shutterbug.

Okay, that's-that's
all okay.

All right, ladies,
line up.

How about we start
with some warm-ups?

Bend down and
touch your toes.

(camera shutter
clicking rapidly)

CHRIS:
"Memory card full"?

Come on!

Okay, now, last year
we were tricked

by a couch on a dolly
with wheels,

so if any of you is a couch
on a dolly with wheels,

I'm gonna ask you
to please leave now.

Well, we need
five for a team

and there's
five of you here,

so congratulations.

Wow! This is awesome!

I can't believe
I'm a Quahog Thug!

When do we start skating?

Here, look at
the schedule.

This is just a list of
Sexaholic Anonymous meetings.

Flip it over.

It says, "Remember to
attend your meetings."

I'm gonna stop
handing you stuff.

(groaning)

It's the middle
of the night.

Where are you going?

I'm sick of all
this healthy crap.

I'm going downstairs to
find something good to eat.

And then I'm gonna fall asleep
watching transvaginal mesh

lawsuit commercials.

There's nothing.

Thank you, son.

What's going on, man,
are you pregnant?

No, my wife watched
that food documentary.

And you should never ask that
unless you're sure, by the way.

Aw, yeah, peanut-butter-cup-
Dorito-sausage-car panini.

And let's crack a Cadbury Egg
over the whole thing.

(sizzling)
Just gonna use my spare
glove-compartment-underwear

as a napkin.

I can't believe Randy Quaid
gets to eat like this every day.

Peter? Is that you?

Cleveland?

Are you cooking
in your car?

I am.

Is this because
of Food Kills?

Oh, you saw that
movie too, huh?

We watched Tyler Perry's
Food Kills,

which is the same movie
except it stars

black folks
you've never heard of

and white folks you
don't hear from anymore.

But, yeah, now Donna is
forcing me to eat healthy.

I always get confused,
is Donna the wife,

or is Roberta
the wife?

I don't know, man, can I
have some of that sandwich?

Oh, our hands
just touched.

Mm.

Wow, Peter.
That's good.

That's real good.

I'm not sure what
we're doing now.

MAN:
Excuse me,

whatever you've got in
there smells incredible.

Man, my wife won't let me
eat any of that stuff.

Tell you what, I'll give you
ten bucks for that thing.

Yeah, me, too.

Wow.

Huh, if I sell two sandwiches
for $10 each,

that equals...

(woman vocalizing)

...money.

Peter, you just made
$20 from two sandwiches.

Wow, you're right.

Hey, maybe I could turn
this into a business.

You know, selling
sandwiches from a car.

Wonder how much I could make.

(woman vocalizing)

♪ Mad world... ♪

Whoops, I stopped
thinking about math

and started thinking about
baby-man Billy Corgan

being sad at Disneyland.

(Peter's laugh to melody
of "La Cucaracha")

Peter, what the
hell is this?

This, Lois,
is my new food truck,

specializing in all the
delicious, unhealthy foods

that you won't let me eat.

'Cause you don't let me eat
what I want to eat

and that-- and, uh,
I am super dizzy

and there might be a gas leak
in this thing.

(Peter's laugh to melody
of "Dixie")

I can't believe you'd
buy a food truck.

What are you
even selling?

First of all,
believe it, baby.

Second, uh, mostly hamburgers
where the buns is jelly donuts.

And drinks where
hot dogs is the straws.

(slurping)
Mm.

Another milkshake, please.

Look, I'm happy
for the business,

but drinking that
on your knees is...

it's putting
a hat on a hat.

Look at this food.
It's gross and unhealthy.

It's exactly the stuff I'm
trying to get you not to eat.

Yeah, but people like this food.
It makes them happy.

I mean, you can eat sprouts
and vegan crap your entire life

and still get devoured
by Gremlins

and-and-and none of it matters.

So you're saying you shouldn't
take care of yourself

because you might get
devoured by Gremlins?

Get a clue, mama.

Think of what you're doing
to your body, Peter.

Oh, there we go.

You think
I'm overweight.

I know you're
overweight.

Hey, yeah, I'll have the,
uh, Swedish Fish Tacos.

You want the can of chili
dumped on top or on the side?

What does the
chef recommend?

Me? I like to squeeze
the can so hard

the chili flies into
my mouth like Popeye.

Do it up.

You got it. Let me put
on my bandana,

fire up my very loud "what"
generator, and get cooking.

(generator running loudly)

Peter, this isn't over!

What?!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first
bout of the season,

the Quahog Thugs versus
the Medford Dump Cakes.

This season we're brought to you
by Barry's Note Cards.

"When you need to remind
yourself of the sponsor,

use Barry's Note Cards."

(whistle blows)

(Meg gasps)

(Meg grunting)

Nice move, Griffin.

Way to go, Meg!

ANNOUNCER:
Wow! Newcomer Meg Griffin

is lighting up the track
with some amazing moves.

"Amazing"?
Damn right, amazing.

Make some noise

if you're mixing prescription
drugs with alcohol!

(cheering)

Wow. This is a lot more
physical than I thought.

My favorite part of a
woman's body is haunches.

And this is
all haunch, baby.

(grunts)

Meg!

Boy, that was rough.

This sport's even more dangerous
than skeet shooting.

Pull!

I got in the wrong line!

That'll be $16.

$16? That's expensive.

Yes, sir. Everything's
very expensive

because you're paying
for it on an iPad.

Now, if you'll just
select a gratuity.

Options are 60%,
90%, and 200%.

Uh, I guess 60%.

Okay, great.

And just sign by dragging
your bare finger

across this thing
I use to masturbate.

Uh, okay.

Thank you, please make sure

to bang your head on
that low-hanging thing.

What are you... (shouts)

Oh, you spilled something.
You want a napkin?

Yes, please.

All right, here's 40,
blown by the wind.

(panting)

Oh, Chris, I'm
glad you're here.

Swing that lamp at me.

But you'll get hurt.

No, I won't.

I'm gonna dodge it.

(shouts)

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

This roller derby's
really toughened me up.

I got to say, I've-I've
never felt better.

Really?

'Cause I watched how rough
it was out there the other day,

and I got a little
worried for you.

I mean, all it would
take is one bad hit

to do permanent damage.

I think you should quit.

What? No.

No, I-I love roller derby.

It's the first thing
I'm really good at.

Plus, I love making
other women bleed.

But you know, in ways
besides the way,

you know, they
normally bleed.

STEWIE:
She means periods.

Yeah, I got it, Stewie,
but I'm telling you, Meg,

something bad is
going to happen.

Like when you give a
young athlete too much money.

I, I got to murder somebody.

Peter, kids, dinner!

Kids? Peter?

It's time for a healthy,
veggie dinner!

Come on, I spent the whole day

making the house
smell like farts.

Where the hell is everybody?

All right,
I got a bowl of cereal

that's M&M's and Dr. Pepper?

Over here.

Chris, put that down.

You kids get in the house

and eat the healthy dinner
I prepared,

and Peter, you, too.

Shut down that truck
and get inside.

Lois, I already told you.

I don't want to eat
your garbage food. All right?

Now can you go inside
and get me some Pop Rocks?

I'm making a paella.

You know what?
Enough of this nonsense.

You love this truck
so much, stay in it,

'cause I don't want you
or your food in the house.

Fine. I love this truck.

I got everything I need in here.

Maybe I'll just live here.

I can imagine it now.

(woman vocalizing)

♪ Living in America... ♪

Whoops. I stopped
thinking about the truck

and started thinking
about Amazon woman

Brigitte Nielsen
drunk in a Burbank park.

(birds singing)

(snoring)

(alarm beeping)

All right,
time to greet the day.

Are you living in a truck?

Not bad. I see you got
a Hooters calendar in here.

How do you get anything done

with those rocking
knockers staring at you?

Hey, who says
I get anything done?

Guy talk, guy talk.
Yeah, guy talk.

(chuckles) Guy talk.
This is how guys talk.

Oh, Peter, this is awful.

Well, I love it.

And I'm not going
back in that house

and listen to Lois tell me
how fat and unhealthy I am.

You do look like
you've put on a few.

Your elbows are
starting to pucker.

Yeah, I mean,
are you really happy in here?

You bet I am.

I'm happier than
a squash on Halloween.

Dad, are they coming
to take us away, too?

No, son, we're fine.

How about on Thanksgiving?

You know what,
just enjoy the month.

(grunting)

You're going down, Griffin,
like my stepfather's pants!

I guess I see where some
of your anger comes from.

(grunts)

Oh, no. This is bad.

That's it.
I have to do something.

Chris, what are you doing?

Saving my...
(shouts)

(groaning)

Oh, my God.
Chris, are you okay?

I don't think so.
I'm hurt pretty bad,

like that time I was
running with scissors.

(laughing)

You run like a girl.

Run like a man,
you get a suit.

Here you go. And if you'd like
to put your e-mail

on our sign-up list,

I'd be happy to sell it
to Russian hackers.

Peter, Peter,
it's happening.

What?
The Bing Maps car.

It's three blocks down
and it's coming this way.

Holy crap. This is the day
we've been waiting for.

We said we're gonna
stand in our front yards

and wave as it goes by so
we're on the street view.

We're gonna be on the Internet.

Mort just called.
It went by his house.

Everybody, places!
Start waving.

This is not a drill!

(grunts)

Damn it.
I can't fit through the door.

I'm stuck in the truck!

What? What are
you talking about?
(grunting)

I knew this would happen.
You're too fat to get out.

I see it.
I see the Bing car.

Oh, my God, Bing!
Bing! Over here! Bing!

They can't see you, Peter.

You're facing away
from the street.

Stop talking, Quagmire.
Just smile.

This is amazing.

Crap. Is it gone?

The driver nodded at me.

I... I think I'm gonna cry.

Damn it.
I can't believe I missed it.

Jeez, I hope I don't end up
stuck in here

like Winnie the Pooh.

Uh, Rabbit?

Perhaps you should push with
your shoulder and not your fist?

RABBIT:
Don't worry about it.

Hey, did that big "boomba
boomba" nurse come in here?

Uh, no.

But Dr. Hartman,
is my brother gonna be okay?

(whispering):
That's her. That's her.

(voice breaking):
Hi, Juanita.

Hello, Doctor.

Was that weird?
Was I just weird?

Kind of.

You don't know.
I was fine.

Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry
you got hurt like this.

Roller derby was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I finally felt like I was good
at something, I made friends...

but seeing you like this,
I realize you were right.

It's too dangerous.
So I'm going to quit.

No, Meg. I got hurt because
I didn't belong out there,

but you do.

I watched you skate.

You found your calling
and I believe in you.

Now get back to that rink
and help your team

win the championship
it deserves.

Really? I will.
Thanks, Chris.

MORGAN FREEMAN: With the spirit
in her heart renewed,

Meg returned
to the roller derby arena.

I think she did all right,

but no one will know for sure
because halfway through

everyone stopped
to watch some fat kid

who was killing it on
Dance Dance Revolution.

(chuckles)

Dance, you fat bitch.

So tonight, we say to the
yellow-billed marsh finch:

you're extinct.

But, right now, we're getting
word of breaking news.

We go live to Tricia Takanawa
with details.

Tricia?

Tom, I'm standing here

outside a Spooner Street home,

where a local business owner
has apparently eaten himself

into his own food truck.

Oh. It appears they've
finally removed the roof.

Nobody look.
This is a private, gross matter.

Mr. Griffin, is this
performance art

or, uh, some sort of
political statement?

Well, I'm kind of ticked
about condoms in porn,

but this is unrelated.

Oh, hey, Lois. I guess
you must be happy.

Yeah, it's every girl's dream
to have her husband hoisted

out of a food truck
in a horse harness.

No, look, I-I'm just
saying, you were right.

I'm a big tub of lard,

and you have every reason
to be ashamed of me.

Ashamed of you?

I-Is that really
what you think?

Well, yeah, you kept saying
how overweight I am.

Peter, don't you get it?

I only wanted you to eat healthy
because I love you,

and I'm concerned
about your health.

I want you around
for as long as I'm around.

Really?
Well, I love you, too, Lois.

I'm sorry I was such a jerk.

I guess I could do
without eating so much junk,

but I could never do
without you.

Oh, Peter.

Ma'am, please step back.

We have to wash
him with a hose.

Guys, look! Look!
The Bing car is back.

No. I'm not ready!
I'm not ready!

MORGAN FREEMAN:
Inspired by his love for Lois,

Peter had steamed vegetables
and brown rice that evening,

then ate like crap
for the rest of his life.

Nonetheless, he was
immortalized on Bing Maps.

(laughs)

Fat people are amusing to me.

Hang there, you fat bitch.