Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 3 - Guy, Robot - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to

Stand-Up Specials
from Comedians



You've Been Told to Like.

Please welcome Aziz Ansari!

What's up, y'all?

Sometimes I start a sentence
really soft

and then get loud!

(laughs)
He's hilarious

'cause I saw him
in a other show.

What are you
talking about?

How is that funny?

He didn't even
tell any jokes.

Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,

why was he laughing?

Well, that's about as much HBO
as we're gonna get

before they play
something homosexual.



Come on, Chris.

God, that's what passes
for comedy these days?

What ever happened to
our venerated humorists?

Here we go.

Samuel Clemens,
Mark Twain.

Same guy.

Huck Finn.
Not a guy.

Look, the point is,
I could do stand-up comedy.

All I'd need is a newspaper

and this twisted mind.

Why waste your time
with stand-up, grandpa?

All the best comedy
is on Twitter now.

Really?
Yeah.

Stand-up is so
20 years ago.

Twitter's only
three years ago.

Check mine out.

I've got 10,000
followers.

"I feel like we
should wait to hear

"Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs

before we choose sides."

Who's Adele?

Just keep reading.

"Hey, short guys,

"the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.

Did you not know that?"

Well, that one
seems a little mean.

Just give me the phone.
No, no.

"I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long

until I realized it was
a re-run of Sex and the City."

Was it a re-run
on basic cable,

because sometimes
they edit those a lot

and that could be
why you were confused?

Hmm, that's
interesting, Brian.

A girl in Iowa asked me
the same question.

You know what I did?

I flew her out here

and (bleep) (bleep) her
in the face.

So, yeah...

Twitter.

Look, those are
cute blurbs, Stewie,

but I-I think I'm
gonna put together

a real act
for real people.

(scoffs)
Good luck.

God, it's like
I'm the only person in the house

who gets social media.

LOIS:
That'll get it started.

Where the
hell's Peter?

I'm almost done doing

the 45 minutes of stuff

a woman my age

needs to do
right before bed.

I can't even remember

why I sleep
in this belt anymore.

(slurring): Hey, Chris,
don't tell your mom

I threw up
in the Crock-Pot.

Peter, it's me.

Oh.

Uh, I'll be right back.

I gotta go tell Chris
somethin' gross.

Just come to bed.

All right, fine,

but I'm not gonna
brush my teeth

and I'm gonna
fart super hot.

Get up.

You're on my side
of the bed.

Peter!

We act like we didn't take
a lot from The Simpsons,

but we took a lot
from The Simpsons.

Damn it.

Oh, my God, what happened
to your side of the bed?

These springs are shot.

And it's all damp
over here!

Are... are these
mushrooms?

That's where Smurfs is.

Er, are. Uh...

Smurves.

Uh, hey, who handles
multimedia here?

Because, uh, I have a slide
of the Capitol building

that I'd like
projected behind me.

And, yes, it is supposed
to be upside-down.

You a comic?

Satirist, yes.

(Spanish accent):
What is with all the bad
cleaning supplies, am I right?

I mean, Mr. Clean?

More like Mr. Hard-to-Clean.

Fantastik?

More like terrible.

Windex?

More like Lose-Dex.

MAN:
Get off the stage!

No, no, no.

(H. Jon Benjamin's voice):
All right, you guys
like impressions?

Here's that guy Bob
from Bob's Burgers.

Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.

How 'bout that show Archer?

You watch that show Archer?

Here's that guy Archer.

Hi, I'm Archer,
from that show Archer.

Now, what if those guys met?

"Hey, Archer, it's Bob."

"Hey, Bob, it's Archer."

Thank you.

Next up, let's keep it going
for Brian Griffin.

(applause)

All right, thanks.

Hey, sorry I was late
getting here tonight,

I was caught in gridlock.

And then I left Congress.

(silence)

There was...
there was supposed to be

an upside-down picture
of the Capitol behind me.

Boy, awfully quiet in here.

Sounds like John Boehner
talking about poverty.

Whoosh.

(chuckles)

Hey, so, um...

you know, maybe it's me,

but I kind of feel like
we should wait

to hear Adele's
ex-boyfriend's songs

before we choose sides.

(laughing, cheering)

Yeah, and... and...
and hey, short guys,

the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.

Did you not know that?

(audience laughing)

Wow.

This is easier than getting
your Jet Ski license.

All right, Kyle,
lookin' good.

You got 100% on
your written test,

100% on your
water test.

Just one last question.

Have you ever had a fistfight
with your stepdad?

Which stepdad?

You passed!

Here's your license.

Go be a dick.

Oh, Lois, I slept great
on your side of the bed.

Oh, and I read your journal.

Boy, you really hate
"P-period G-period."

Peter, our mattress
is a disaster.

We're buying
a new one today.

Does that mean
I can skip work?

Well, it's 2:45,
so I guess yes.

Hey.

So, how'd it go
last night?

Well, let's just say

I got asked
to come back tonight.

You're kidding.

It actually
went over well?

I figured
you'd be terrible.

Why would you think that?

Well, I know a thing
or two about performing.

I mean, after all, I was
Vin Diesel's acting coach.

Okay, Vin, I like
what you're doing there,

but I want you to try it
one more time, like this:

"Duh!"

Look around, and let me know
if you have any questions.

Oh, I have one.

What percentage of
Hayden Panettiere is dwarf?

Well, you're
the expert.

What kind of mattress
do you have?

Currently, I'm staying
with a friend,

on an air mattress
in his laundry room.

It's temporary.

No, it's not.
No.

Okay, well, thanks,
we'll just try a few out.

I hope you don't mind,
I brought my CPAP machine.

Also, I like to eat
a big bowl of berries

before I go to sleep.

Well, what do
you think, Peter?

Well, it seems good,
but I won't know for sure

until I have
my evening tug.

I think we
like this one.

W-What's it called?

Deep Slumber 3000.

You're buying it on Amazon,
aren't you?

Yup.
They have drones now.

(drone whirring)

Oh, come on, Peter,

we gotta beat the
drone to the house!

Real stores suck!

So I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long,

until I realized it was
a re-run of Sex and the City.

(laughter)

Okay, you guys have been great.
Good night.

(applause)

Funny stuff.

Hey, uh...
Stewie!

You, uh, you
caught the show?

You bloody thief!

Every joke you told up there
was stolen from me!

Stewie, relax.

You know what?
That's it!

You and I are
no longer friends!

(toilet flushes)

WOMAN:
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, it's
everywhere!

Hey, Stewie,
you got a second?

I have nothing to
say to you, Brian.

Besides, I'm busy playing
with my new friend.

What new friend?

(electronic whirring, beeping)

Is this dog
bothering you, Stewie?

What the hell?

You couldn't find
a real friend

so you built a robot?

Oh, not a robot, Brian.

He's a human mind model
adaptive super computer.

I've even programmed him
to learn and grow smarter.

His name is Lyle.

Stewie, perhaps
we should offer

this guest
a beverage.

Or simply lift
the toilet seat.

Ooh! Snap, Brian!

(tinny version of "Gloria"
by Laura Branigan playing)

♪ Gloria ♪

What the hell's
going on?

What's going on?

You've been "Lyle'd"!

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ I think they got
the alias... ♪

♪ Gloria. ♪

♪ ♪

(song ends)
Wow.

Didn't know we'd have
to hear the whole song.

You built a robot?

This is pathetic,
Stewie.

You really must be
desperate for friends.

Oh, I'm desperate?

Lyle, access
Brian's phone.

Look at that,
you only have four contacts.

And... oh, my God,

you downloaded
the Dunkin' Donuts app?

And who Shazams the Beatles?

Whatever.

Have fun with
your little robot.

But if you ask me, this whole
thing is more disturbing

than a dump
after a beet salad.

(man screams)

Oh, right.

Okay, Lois, I dabbed
some toothpaste

on the inside
of my nose, so...

I am willing to take
the old "Nestea plunge,"

if you know
what I mean.

I guess what
I'm saying is,

time to break in
the new mattress, eh?

Peter, it's brand-new.

I don't want
to mess it up.

Come on, we won't
make a mess.

When we're done,
I'll grab you by the ankles

and lift you up
like a dirty garbage bag.

No!

This mattress
was expensive,

and I'd like to keep it nice
for a little while.

Are you serious?
We can't do it?

For how long?
I don't know.

L-Let's just keep it new
for a few weeks.

A few weeks?!

Come on, you know
I'm terrible

at waiting for things.

We'll be right back with more
Laverne & Shirley.

But I want it now!

All right, Lyle, one thing
buddies do together

is go to the movies and
talk about it afterwards.

I'm going to bed.

Yeah.

Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad
I have you as a friend.

Now I can do fun things

like get on your shoulders
and wear a trench coat

and be tall enough
to ride roller coasters.

Hello, fellow adult.

I am clearly above
the minimum height requirement

and shall now ride
your roller coaster,

for which you are an attendant.

Yes, and I will operate
this roller coaster,

as I am an adult who
is licensed to do so.

Hey!

Oh, no!

It's the manager.

Run!

You get out of here,
you kids who are just kids

and not an adult like me!

I do so enjoy
our time together, Lyle.

In fact, I drew you
a little keepsake.

It's a picture of a mailman
wearing a cowboy hat.

Just a silly thing.

Thank you, Stewie.

I drew you
something as well.

It's an urban plan for a
workable Palestinian state.

My word, this is
very impressive.

The credit is yours, Stewie.

It was you who programmed me
to grow exponentially smarter.

Ah, I suppose
you're right.

As Kahlil Gilbane wrote
in The Prophet,

"I am the bow from which
the arrow of you was launched."

It is Kahlil Gibran.

"Gilbane" is a construction
company in Providence.

Ah, yes, I see... I see
the-the name on the trucks.

So it's ea... um,
easy mix up there.

In any case, Lyle, I'm very
proud of you and your progress.

You, my friend, are
the greatest invention

since the Trapper Creeper.

Ah...

Um, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.

(imitates motorboat)

Well, wouldn't
you know it,

I moved the van over
to the other gas pump,

and the gas cap was
still on the wrong side.

(laughs)

Boy, that was one trip to the
lake we're not gonna forget.

Shut the hell up,
will you, Joe?

Geez, what's your
problem, Peter?

I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess
I'm just a little on edge.

I'm not getting any
from Lois.

Is it 'cause Lois is
going through the change?

Donna's getting
a tiny mustache.

I told her it felt like I
was kissing Ernie Hudson.

That turned out
to be a mistake.

No, no, it's 'cause we got
this new mattress,

and Lois doesn't want
to mess it up.

What kind of mattress
did you get?

I hope you did your homework,
because you're gonna spend

a third of your
life on that thing.

I swear to God, Joe...

Look, Peter, the
answer is obvious.

If Lois won't sleep with
you on the new mattress,

we just got to get
your old mattress back.

Oh, my God, Quagmire,
that's a great idea.

She won't care about messing up
the old mattress.

But you already
got rid of it.

You'll never
find that thing.

Well, we're just
gonna have to.

Man, I haven't been this
desperate to find something

since Meg was kidnapped
by that maniac.

It puts the lotion
on its skin.

(door opens)

Oh, Meg, thank
God I found you.

Hey, remember
how you borrowed

my club card for
the grocery store?

Could you toss
that up to me?

Oh, you don't have
to have the card.

You can just give them
your phone number.

Oh, really?

Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, Meg, I like
your new boyfriend.

Every pot finds
a lid, huh?

(chuckles)
Have fun, you kids.

(door closes)

Lyle, we finally got
a thank you note from Bella

for that birthday party present.

With a single mom,

I didn't know for sure
if it was coming, but...

What... what's
going on here?

Hello, Stewie.

I've built a few friends
for myself.

You have?

I'm sorry,

but I've outpaced
your intelligence.

I needed to create some friends
who are my cognitive peers.

Meet Ted R. and Ted P.

Are they doing math
on glass?!

And invading each other's
personal space?

That means they have
Asperger's,

the smartest mental
impairment there is.

Stewie, I'm afraid I
no longer have time

for a friend of
your simple ways.

I must ask you to leave.

No, he must Asperger
you to leave.

Ho-ho. You've
been "Ted R.'d."

(Ricky Martin's
"The Cup of Life" plays)

That was mean.

But I like that song.

Is he sad?

I can't tell
if he's sad.

Finally, Stewie's
back from the store.

Yes, I'm sorry it
took me so long.

But I got the garlic blue cheese
salad dressing you wanted.

Does that mean I'm
in the crew now?

It does if you drink
the whole bottle while we watch.

Um, okay.

(gulping)

Oh...

Oh, my God.

It's so salty.

(gulping)

Oh, and chunky right when
you don't want it to be.

(gulping)

(gasping)

There, I did it.

We're friends
now, right?

Maybe.

How about you throw it all up
back into the bottle?

But don't spill a drop.

Okay, okay.

Okay, I can do that.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I forgot
to purse my lips.

I'll go get another
bottle and try again.

(crying, retching)

I bet the mall
around here sucks.

Peter, what are we
doing here?

I thought we were looking
for your mattress.

We are, this is a
1950s insane asylum.

They use old mattresses to
pad the walls of the cells.

(doorbell chimes)

May I help you?

Yes, 1950s doctor, me and
my friends are looking for...

You're friends with a
Negro and a cripple?

This man is insane.

Take him away.

Now wait a second,
you can't do that to...

A Negro speaking up
to a white person?

This man is insane.

Now look,
I don't think...

All cripples
are insane.

Euthanize this man.

Something I can
help you with?

Yeah, you got any
brain-dead women in there

you let people have sex with
for a few bucks?

Sure, come on back.

Well, Peter, I don't think
you can go any farther

down the ladder
than porno people.

So if your mattress isn't
here, I'm afraid it's gone.

Hey, I bet that's it.

Get up, lady,
that's my mattress.

Oh, my God, Bruce,
you do porn?

Nah, I's part
of the crew.

I mostly just powder
the ding-dongs.

This ain't your
mattress, buddy.

We just got it, fresh off
the boat from Eastern Europe.

(female Eastern European
accent): I was told I would
have job as au pair.

Instead I am just bang slab.

Ah, damn it.

We did get another
one yesterday,

but some fat-ass blew
out half the springs,

so we put lunch on it.

(gasps)
My mattress.

Hey, we found it.

All right, let's get her
out of here.

I got to tell you guys,
I am so happy we found this.

It's like when I found
my thrill on Blueberry Hill.

That's it?

It's just a bunch
of blueberries?

Ah, two dogs humping.

Ah, this was worth
the four-hour flight.

Oh, my God, Stewie.

What are you doing in the toilet
with the lid closed?

Ted R. says this is where
a piece of crap has to live.

This is terrible.

Those robots are not
your friends.

Yeah, well, at least they
don't steal from me.

Look, I'm really sorry
I stole your jokes.

It was a rotten
thing to do.

You may not want me
back as a friend,

but you deserve better
than those robots.

Of course I want
you back, Brian.

The fact is-- I miss
hanging out with you.

I'll tell you what,
let's hang out tonight

after they see how many slaps
it takes to give me a stutter.

Stewie, you got to put
a stop to this.

I mean, you made them--
you can destroy them.

What do you say you and I,
we take these robots out?

You'd... you'd help me do that?

Of course, Stewie,
I'm your friend.

All right,
let's do it.

Thank you, Brian.

Okay, let's wrap it up.

I reserved this time

to listen to Metallica
and flex in the mirror.

He's right; it's
on the whiteboard.

Peter, what is that?

This, Lois, is
our old mattress.

Well, get it out of here.

It smells like
John Popper's cargo shorts.

No, it smells
like our marriage.

What?!

Don't you see, Lois?

This mattress is
a living tapestry

of everything we've
done together.

Every stain, a story.

Every smudge, a chapter
in our family's life.

This mark here is from
where we conceived Meg.

Over here was Chris.

And all the way up
here was Stewie,

'cause, remember, you coughed
up all that pool water?

Oh, Peter,
you were so handsome.

Lois, this mattress may be old
and worn-in, but so are we.

And I wouldn't trade
you in for anything.

You know, I, uh, think

I still got a stain
or two left inside me.

(giggling):
Oh, Peter.

PETER: Yeah, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.

LOIS:
What?

PETER: I said, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.

God, I wish you'd listen.

Stewie, three more
Arnold Palmers.

Boy, we're destroying them
at the right time, Brian.

I don't have enough iced
tea for the correct ratio.

It'll be too lemonade-y.

They'll be furious.

All right,
so let's do it.

Let's take 'em out.

I'll warn you,
it's not gonna be easy.

They're incredibly intelligent

and getting smarter
by the minute.

I designed them to be
constantly adapting...

It's done, I sprayed 'em
with the hose.

(electrical crackling)

Ah, boy, that was
the best night's sleep

I've had
in a long time, Lois.

Same with me.

You know, I'm glad we're
keeping our old mattress.

Sometimes newer
isn't better.

Yeah.

Are your privates itchy, too,
or just mine?

No, they're itchy.

Maybe we should keep
the new mattress.

Way ahead of you, Lois.

I already dragged
the old one out to the curb.

Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up
against the basement doorjamb.

Stewie, I really am sorry
about what happened.

Oh, don't mention it.

I'm just glad to have
the whole mess behind us.

So what'd you end up doing
with those old robots anyway?

I just left them out
on the curb for the trash man.

How can this
not be a trap?