Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 12 - Scammed Yankees - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x12 ♪
Scammed Yankees
Original Air Date on January 17, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man



We now return
to the NBA on TNT... on LSD.

Man, I'm out my mind!

Okay, my mom will be here
any minute for our spa day.

"Spa," S-P-A.

Yes, very good, Peter.

And remember, while we're
off getting our massages,

you and Daddy are gonna
spend the day together here.

Aw, I don't want
to hang out with him.

He's, like, not
ticklish anywhere.

Look, I'm sorry,
but my mom said

he can't be left alone
at home anymore.

Last time, he went crazy and
moved all the furniture around.

♪ Dancing, walking ♪

♪ Rearranging furniture ♪



♪ Babs is shopping ♪

♪ I let the bird
out of the cage... ♪

Hello, dear.

Oh, I always forget

you walk right into
the living room in your house.

Hey, do you have
a Band-Aid?

Nothing happened,
but I'm bleeding.

You know what, I'll just
rummage through your bathroom.

Man, spending
a whole day with him

is gonna be worse
than eating at a ball park.

Uh, I'll take
one terrible beer,

filled up way too high,
so I spill most of it,

and a too-long hot dog
on a too-short bun.

And do you have
mustard and relish?

Yeah, it's right there
between the entrance

and the exit to
the bathroom.

Perfect. And can I get
a bag of unsalted peanuts?

You know, something
I would never eat

anywhere else in the world?

Sure, here you go.

Great, great.

I can't wait to have diarrhea
in the stall with no door

while 20 guys wait
for me to finish.

No.
Ah, no.

All right,
left cankle, red.

Right muffin top, blue.

Sorry.

Ugh, God, kill me.

Stewie, I can't take any more
of Meg and her gross friends.

Ah, ah,
hang on, hang on.

I'm just finishing up
an e-mail to Delta.

"I have never not screamed
at the top of my lungs

during air pressure changes, and
I do not intend to stop now."

Okay, what was it?

Meg's friends.

They're just so loud
and boring and annoying.

Well, not everybody can be
as fascinating as you, Brian.

Thanks for coming by.

Hey, Brian, Mom
took the car.

Can you give me and my friends
a ride to field hockey practice?

Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie
with an e-mail to Delta.

Please, Brian.

It would get them
out of the house.

Well, that's true.
And I gotta do something,

'cause they're more annoying
than ants at a picnic.

Would you mind
turning that down?

And you're not supposed
to be grilling.

I know you can
understand me.

So... what, uh, what
do you want to do?

I don't know.

Sucks that we're
stuck here alone.

Wait a minute,
here alone.

You thinking what
I'm thinking?

This was not
what I was thinking.

That's weird, it's not
what I was thinking either.

I don't even know
how it happened.

No, me neither, but this
spaghetti's not half bad.

A "happy mistake,"
we'll call it.

Now what do you
want to do?

Well, we could
watch porn.

Have you heard
of porn?

Is that something
you're aware of?

You have postcards
from France?!

No, no, no, like...
like, on the computer.

There's like tons
and tons of videos

of people doing
it on there.

Wait, l-let me understand:

You want to watch
that with me?

Well, not anymore,
you just made it weird.

But there's other
stuff on there.

You want to see a guy in
a human-sized hamster ball

roll off a mountain?

Uh, yeah.

So this is in Russia?

Somebody's gonna
slow him down, right?

Whoa!

I got
to e-mail that to Babs.

She hates people.

Huh, got a new e-mail here.

And it's from a Nigerian prince.

It says he's got millions
frozen in an account.

All he needs is a hundred grand
to pay legal fees,

and then as soon as he gets his
money, I get a million bucks.

Wow, and he must
need it quick,

'cause there was, like, a
bazillion typos in that e-mail.

You got to send
that money.

You think so?
Absolutely.

I mean, can you imagine if
you make a million bucks?

You'll be happier than the
guy on his wedding day.

Thanks, everyone.

Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.

Good-bye, friends.
Good-bye, free time.

Farewell, sex.
So long, golf on TV.

I'll miss you, privacy.

Good-bye, being honest
about how many beers I've had.

Nice knowing you,
my own choices.

See ya later, money!

Thanks for
the ride, Brian.

Yeah, and thanks
for the lecture

on what real music is,
Mr. Griffin.

Geez, how many Snickers
could they eat

in a five-minute car ride?

Ah, crap, somebody left
their gym bag.

God, it would've been real
easy to bring a gun in here.

Where the hell'd they go?

Oh, whoops.

Wow.

Holy crap.

That was Patty.

And she's got
a smokin' hot body.

This is a bigger surprise
than when I found out

Joe was a clown.

I think
that belongs to me.

I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.

Okay.

You won't tell
anyone, will you?

No.

You can tell people.

Hey, so how
was the spa?

Oh, it was fine, though
I don't know why they made us

face each other during
the mother-daughter bikini wax.

Did you two have
a nice afternoon?

Sure did.
I made a million dollars!

What?! How?

Carter sent $100,000
to a Nigerian prince

who's gonna give
him a million.

Oh, Peter, don't tell me
you two fell for that scam.

What? What are you
talking about?

It's the oldest
e-mail scam out there.

Their assets are frozen,
you cover legal fees.

Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."

You're never getting
that money back.

What?! So that-that money's
just been Josh Hartnett-ed?!

What's that?

Gone! Disappeared!

Never to be
heard from again!

Isn't he in that
Showtime thing

with the blood
and the hats?

Look, the point is
I was swindled.

I guess so.

Well, come on, Mom,
the man was very specific

that we need to go
put lotion on each other.

Geez, I'm really
sorry, Carter.

But at least you
have your health.

Oh...

You know,
this is your fault.

You're the one
who said I should do it!

Mm-hmm, there's
that judgy-ness

Babs is always calling
me and talking about.

Look, nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt.

I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.

And you're coming with me.

Africa?
We're going to Africa?!

I wonder if it
will change us.

But, of course,
it did change us.

I've been working here for 50
years, pretending I'm a woman.

: Do you ever
regret not having children,

Mother Bernadette?

Oh, I've had many children.

♪ ♪

We now return

to Kevin James Got Too Fat
To Be In Movies.

Kevin James, why'd you have
to come back to television?

I ate Adam Sandler.

Uh, yoo-hoo!

I'm in here
with the pizza.

Okay, time to go to Africa
and get my money back.

Are you ready?

I was born three
months early.

Peter, who's
that at the door?

Oh, just so you know, I didn't
tell Lois where we're going,

and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.

Daddy, what are
you doing here?!

Oh, hey, Lois.

Uh, Carter and I are going away
for the next week or so.

You are? Where?

Oh, uh... we're, uh...

I mean, um...

Pinterest!

Wow, sounds great.

Have fun.

This is getting easier.

Now I just say
daytime-mom words.

Okay, so see you soon,

and... Chablis The View.

Aw, you too,
sweetheart.

Bye.

I'm telling you, you wouldn't
believe Patty's body.

Just, uh, a tiny waist,
firm butt, great rack.

♪ She's in high school. ♪

I know, and she's
in high school.

It's, like,
7:00 a.m., dude.

Calm down.

Meg, hey, how's it going?

Uh, hey, Brian.

Cool, that's
great to hear.

Hey, where's Patty?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably at her house?

You're
hilarious, Meg.

Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies
do you and your friends like?

Well, Ruth likes...
Not her.

Esther likes...
Not her.

I like...
Patty, just Patty.

Oh, she loves anything

where a teenage girl
is sick and dies of cancer.

Or any movie where
a character is named Patty.

Ugh, she loses
her mind for that.

Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,
you better get off to school.

Wow, you're really
obsessed with Patty.

You want her even more than
I wanted the new iPhone.

How's it going?
Good.

Just looking forward to
getting that new phone.

What are you
talking about?

This isn't
the Apple store.

This is
a super-gay club.

Yeah, right, I leave
and you get my phone.

Nice try, cutie pie.

♪ ♪

Wow, there's so much
wildlife in Africa.

You know, they say there's
some animal species here

that haven't even
been discovered yet.

Is that right?

Yes, that is right.

Oh, my God,
look over there!

That African warlord
is brutalizing

those innocent people.
Yeah, but it's okay,

because he's wearing
a large cowboy hat

and follows everything
with "hamburger,"

like that stand-up
comic from the '90s.

We are going to force all these
young boys to be child soldiers.

Hamburger.

After 18 hours in the mines,

we are going to check
your butts for diamonds.

Hamburger.

I get it.

If you do not work

on my rubber plantation,

I will burn your tongues.

Oh, my God!

Hamburger.

Ah, I found him.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.

He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.

Oh, my God!

I didn't expect to
see you guys here.

So teenagers know
about the mall, too?

Know what
about the mall?

Yeah, right?

Boy, the day I'm having.

I actually made
one too many Build-a-Bears

for the cancer kids.

If only I could build
a cure, huh?

Aw...
Hey, you know what, Patty?

Why don't you take
the extra one?

Wow, thanks, Brian.

Yeah, that's cool, Brian.

Will you buy me a hat at Lids?

No. You know, Patty,

I've got $7.50 left
on my Panda Express card

if you want to split
a three-item combo.

No drink.
Sure!

Well, then, hop on board
the Panda Express!

In bed, right?

Like-like with the fortune
cookies, you know...

Brian, can I talk
to you for a second?

What the hell
is going on?

You're hitting on Patty
and it's gross.

She's 18!

Stop it!
Me?

Meg, I am not even
going to dignify that

with a mall erection.

Don't...
don't look down.

Well, we made it.

East Bola.

All right, let's find our
"prince" and get my money back.

Get down!

On the ground!

This is unacceptable.

I demand to speak
to Anthony Anderson.

Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must,

but it is imperative
that I answer this call.

Yello?

Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

Yes, I did call you about the
eight-piece lawn croquet set.

Now, it says "weathered,"
just how weathered is it?

Yeah, go ahead and send me
a pic, that'd be very helpful.

Sir, shoot me if you must,

but it is imperative
that I look at these pictures.

The hell with this.

I'm getting my money back

if it's the last
thing I do.

Hey, here's the guys.

Who are you
and why are you here?

I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,

and I'm here because
you stole my money!

You?
You are Carter Pewterschmidt?

You're damn right I am!

Oh! It's him!

It's the Great Father
Pewterschmidt!

What's happening?
What's he talking about?

You are a great hero to us.

It is with the money
that you sent

that we have been able to make

many wonderful improvements
to our village.

And he used my computer.

I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody calls me.

That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.

It was your money that
paid for the school,

a well to provide
clean drinking water,

our first health clinic,

and a Redbox with
one movie in it.

It's Baby Geniuses.

Which I, personally,
could begin watching

at any point in the film
and enjoy from there.

Oh, yeah, that's how
I feel about that video

of Kelsey Grammer
fallin' off the stage.

I don't understand.

So there never was
a Nigerian prince?

No. You see, no one will
actually give money to Africa

unless they are tricked into it.

So again, we thank you

for your generosity,
Father Pewterschmidt.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it...

'cause I'm taking it all back.

What?
What?

You heard me!

Nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt

and gets away with it!

Carter, why you
bein' so mean?

The money's spent.

And look how happy
you made these people.

Talk to me--
it's your buddy Griff.

Tear it all down! Now.

Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.

What is Kwanzaa?

Ah!
I knew it wasn't real!

Hey, there, babe.

Hey, Brian.

You ready?

Got the Smash Mouth
cued up in the Pri.

Brian, what are you doing here?

I'm here to
pick up Patty.

We're going to see a movie
called Brittany Finds a Lump.

You're parked in
Mr. Tackleman's space.

You're going on a date
with Patty?

I told you to back off.

And since when
do you wear high-tops?

What, my kicks?

Ah, it's nothin'.

I just use these
for Instagram.

That's something I like!

Ah, shut up, Esther!

All right, we're out of here.

Feel free to use the seat
warmer, keep that box hot.

♪ Somebody once told me ♪

♪ The world is gonna... ♪

Geez, I can't believe you're
going through with this, Carter.

Paying these thugs
to tear down the village

isn't gonna bring
your money back.

This isn't about the money.

This is payback for Sammy
Davis dating Kim Novak.

Oh, come on, Carter,
don't do this.

You don't want to be
the first white guy

to do something
bad to Africa.

Are you about done?

I'm supposed to go
lion shooting

with a scumbag dentist.

Oh, my God, they're even taking
down the mosquito netting.

♪ Buzz, buzz, buzz. ♪

No, Carter, I can't
let you do this!

I won't stand by

and let you further ruin
this terrible place!

Oh, is that right?

Yes, that is right.

Here's 5,000 bucks.

Lock up that fat-ass.

Damn it, this sucks.

I may never get out of here.

Well, as a man
falsely imprisoned in Africa,

I have no choice but to write
a memoir of my struggles.

"Chapter One:

"Harry Potter's aunt and uncle
were super mean.

"'Spank me harder,' the lady
says to Fifty Shades of Grey.

"'That's Mr. Fifty
Shades of Grey

"to you,
Kate from Ben and Kate.'

"And then he turned her butt
inside out.

Because, sexy."

"'Isn't that special,'
said the Church Lady,

"before reporting
for her botched surgery.

"Anyway, I'm here in a prison
against my will,

"and I should be free.

The end."

Take this, Cheebo.

Take this to a French-Canadian
flight attendant.

And he will give it
to everybody.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story:
sinking newscaster.

Just kidding, it's the chair.

But, in other news, domestic
abuse enthusiast Paul Simon

has released a new song
inspired by a memoir

written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,

who has been falsely imprisoned
by his father-in-law

in an African jail.

Oh, for God's sake.

I bet there's not one word
about you in that book.

Wow, what a beautiful night.

Yeah.

Hey, I wonder if any of those
stars are wishing on us, huh?

You're so deep.

I betcha you're
pretty deep, too.

Aw, you're so sweet.

Why are you so nice to me?

Most guys never give me
the time of day

because I'm so plain-looking.

Well, I'm not
like most guys.

I can see past
that sweater.

Speaking of which,

why don't we get rid
of that big old thing?

Brian, stop!

You don't have
to do this, Patty.

Brian's just taking
advantage of you.

What? That's crazy!

What?
Why would he do that?

Because you have
an amazing body.

I do?

But... you're always saying

dumpy girls like us
only have each other.

You're not dumpy.

I was just saying that

because I was worried
you'd become popular

and not want to be friends
with us anymore.

Meg, I'm $18
into this evening,

so can you maybe
just get out of here?

Meg, that's silly.

I'll always be your friend.

You promise?

♪ ♪

Oh, come on, what the hell?

Bummer.

He's never gonna
get to hit that.

I know. That's exactly
what I wished for.

Well, I actually wished
for it 30,000 years ago.

♪ ♪

It's true.

Even at the speed of light,

mean-spirited thoughts
from the stars

can take thousands or
even millions of years

to reach the Earth.

Ham-burger.

♪ There's a great man
locked up in a cell ♪

♪ The African folks
all know him well ♪

♪ He's a great spirit
with a lot to say ♪

♪ That's why they locked
Peter Griffin away ♪

♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air ♪

♪ Peter Griffin in my hair ♪

♪ Peter Griffin up my nose ♪

♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes ♪

♪ Peter Griffin in my skin ♪

♪ Everybody breathe him in ♪

♪ Peter Griffin ♪

♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin ♪

♪ Peter Griffin ♪

♪ Let my Peter go. ♪

Now wait, let me
get this straight:

none of you guys has
ever heard of Bono?

He says he knows you.

Daddy! What the hell
are you doing?

You threw Peter in jail?

Hey, Pumpkin, welcome!

Whatever you do, don't tell
them you have a clitoris.

Yeah, they told me
that at the embassy.

Look, I'm sorry
you got swindled,

but you can't treat
people this way.

You let Peter out of
that jail right now.

And give these
people back

their health clinic
and their school.

No.

Hi, Lois!
I like your shorts!

Bye, Lois!

Oh, my God!

Enough is enough!

That's your son-in-law!

And my husband!

I know how
families work, Lois.

All right.
Let him go.

Yay!

Lois, how much was your flight

and which card
did you put it on?

Daddy, I don't
understand any of this.

I mean, you've
always been grouchy,

but why are you being
so mean-spirited?

What's gotten into you?

What's gotten into me?
I'm angry!

For God's sake, I can't
even be left alone

in my own house
for an afternoon.

You have to drop me
off at your house

so this fat idiot
can babysit me!

I'm old and it sucks!

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I realize growing old is no fun,

but this is no way to act.

I know.

I'm sorry I almost had you shot.

Oh, that's all right.

I got a fever
of a 108.

I'm not gonna
remember any of this.

And I'm sorry for what
I did to your village, Dave.

His name is "Dave"?

Yeah. Get to know
these people, okay?

Listen, when I get home,
I'll transfer enough money

so you can rebuild your town.

You've all been very kind.

Yeah, this has been great, guys.

Now all I need is a group photo

of me kneeling
in the front of the village,

so I can brag about
what a good person I am.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man