Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 10 - Candy, Quahog Marshmallow - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x10 ♪
Candy, Quahog Marshmallow
Original Air Date on January 3, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man



Where are you going?

I'm going to Quagmire's
to get some hand-me-downs.

His dad-mom sent over
some boxes of men's clothes

from back before the ol'
chippety-choppety.

(groans) You shouldn't wear
people's old, dirty clothes.

Well, I'm a dirty guy, Lois.

Haven't you ever seen
my naughty,

late-night, party-line
commercials?

Hey, are you lonely?

Do you like to party
with hot girls?

What about horsing around
with fat guys?

Well, what are you
waiting for?

Give us a call.

I'll be on the toilet,
wearing a T-shirt



that's so long
I have to hold it

under my chin
while I wipe.

Wow, your dad doesn't
use this Dickie anymore?

That's crazy.

Why would anyone get rid
of a perfectly good Dickie?

I see what you're doing,
and cut it out.

Hey, what are these?

Oh, my God, I haven't
seen these in years!

What do you got there?

Some kind of home movie
from the Orient?

No, no, this is
Winter Summer.

It was a Korean soap opera
that I was in.

You were in a
Korean soap opera?

Yeah, back when the Navy
had me stationed in Busan,

I saw an ad in the paper
for guys over five-foot-four,

and I was the only one
who showed up.

Next thing I know,
I'm on TV,

playing a guy
named American Johnny.

Wow, I didn't even
know you could act.

You also didn't know
I was a rock polisher.

Take a look at that.

Oh, my! What is that?

That's tiger eye.

Extraordinary.

(singing in Korean)

Holy crap, Quagmire,
you speak Korean?

Nah, not really.

They just told me how to sound
the words out phonetically.

So you never knew what
you were actually saying?

No. In fact,
at the height of the show,

I did a whole
pro-genital-mutilation PSA

that I really regret.

Wow, that girl's hot.

That's a guy.

That other guy's handsome.

That's a girl.

That cat is cute.

That's a dog.

What is everything?!

Oh, my God,
if Hee-Sun and Bong-Hwa

don't get together,
I'm gonna kill myself!

You're crazy!

Bong-Hwa is completely
dishonorable!

He brought a personal
item to work!

Oh, my God!
No way!

I told you!
I told you!

Wow, I guess he didn't die
in the vending machine.

♪ ♪

What?! It's over?!

Should we put in
the next one?

Of course we should.

We are binge-watching
this whole show.

I mean, I haven't been
this into something

since The Shawshank Redemption.

Yes, um, after you escaped
into the hole,

how did you perfectly re-attach
the Raquel Welch poster

from inside the hole
with a tautness

that a rock could pierce?

Does it really matter?

It does to me.

Did you even
like the movie?

I did very much
up until that point.

(tires screeching)

(crowd screaming, clamoring)

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

Quagmire, give me the last tape!

Huh. Sorry, guys.

There are no more tapes.

What?!
Where's the last one?!

He's right.

Oh, my God!
What do we do?!

Quagmire, tell us
what happened!

Did Hee-Sun live
to have the baby?!

Did Kim secure a position
at the hydroelectric plant?!

I don't know.
I don't remember.

How can you
not remember?

It was 20 years ago.

We shot out of order.

I-I never even knew
what I was saying.

I didn't care.
I was living the life.

Just banging chicks
and eating cabbage, you know.

Aw, crap, what do we do
about our show?

Now I know how that German
movie producer felt.

All right, Friedrich,
now that World War Two is over,

we can get back
to making comedies again.

Get me these comedy writers.

Uh... I don't think any of
these guys are available.

What?! This is terrible!

Get me my agent!

He's, uh, he's probably
not gonna answer either.

Well, this is crazy!
What happened...?

Oh, I remember what happened.

That episode's
not online anywhere.

I even tried the Korean
search engine Bing Bong.

That's not real.

All right, it's not,
but, Quagmire,

we need that episode.

We got to know what happened!

Guys, I'm sorry,
but it was years ago,

and it never aired
outside Korea.

So... we go to Korea.

Yes.
Buying tickets.

Come on, guys,

it's just a dumb,
forgotten TV show.

Quagmire, we have to know
how Winter Summer ends.

This show is our
whole life now.

Yeah, if we don't find
that tape, we're screwed.

Like anybody who goes
scuba diving with Dave Navarro.

(grunting)

All right, gang, me and the
guys are off to Korea to find

the last episode of a soap
opera Quagmire was in.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

Wh-What am I supposed to do
if work calls?

Just do what I do.

Hold the phone up to any
episode of Who's the Boss?

Griffin, it's been four days.

Why haven't you come to work?

TONY DANZA:
Angela?

Of course it's me!

You know, I've got half a mind
to fire you.

(whining):
Angela.

Oh, I can't stay mad at you.

I'll see you when I see you.

♪ ♪

Man, Epcot nailed Asia.

(gasps)
American Johnny!

(crowd clamoring)

Holy crap, Quagmire,
you're famous here!

It's American Johnny!

American Johnny is back!

I take a picture with
giant Samsung phone!

Giant Samsung phone
is also tiny Kia car!

Welcome,
American Johnny.

We give only
best room for you.

Would you like smoking
or chain smoking?

Uh, smoking, I guess?

Yes, and how many
ridiculous things

would you like
your toilet to do?

Do you have one that goes,
"Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum"?

Ah, presidential suite!

Well, Donna's
mother died.

But we should probably
head out to find

the last episode of
that Korean soap opera.

Yeah. Where's Peter?

Oh, he went
to get plastic surgery.

He did?

Yeah, Korea's the plastic
surgery capital of the world.

Nobody here thinks
you look good unless you have

big, round eyes
and a tiny little nose and chin.

Hey, guys.

Peter, are you
all right?!

You know what?
I feel good.

I feel like I want
to giggle behind my hand

at a lot of things
and hold, but not eat,

a big ice cream cone.

There were more birds
than videos in there.

Yeah, and no sign
of Winter Summer.

WOMAN:
Glenn?

Glenn Quagmire?

Sujin?

(gasps)
It's Hee-Sun!

From the show!

I don't believe it.

She's so beautiful.

(high-pitched):
She's so beautiful!

H-How did you find me?

I heard that American
Johnny was back,

so I started
following you

on the new "Where
American Johnny?" app.

I already rich from that.

Dance for me, Hilary Duff!

♪ ♪

Ah, it's so great
to see you, Sujin.

You look just
as pretty as ever.

I've waited every day
hoping you would return.

And I never stopped
thinking of you.

(gasps)

Were you guys... involved?

We were, Peter.

Korean O-M-G!

Sujin, we actually
came here to find

the last episode
of Winter Summer.

Would you happen to have it?

Of course.

(gasps)
Can we see it?

Why, yes.
Tonight.

Glenn, you and your friends
must come to my home

for gross
Korean dinner.

Man, look at them.

They make such
a cute couple.

Like Pac-Man
and Ms. Pac-Man.

(Pac-Man "waka-waka"
sound effect playing)

I'm so happy you all
could make it tonight.

We will have many things you
will nibble at and not eat.

Then I will give
you a pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's great.

Hey, can we watch that last
episode of Winter Summer now?

We will watch together
after dinner.

In the meantime, feel free
to watch Korean pop videos.

(Korean pop music playing)

What is this, and how can I make
the rest of my life about it?

Dinner will be
ready soon.

But, Glenn, I have
a surprise for you.

Do you remember
Buttercup?

Who's Buttercup?

(purring)

Oh, my God, I can't believe
Buttercup is still alive!

Alive and well.

Wait a minute,
you named a cat Buttercup?

(laughs)

Only Quagmire.

And you know, Glenn,
after you moved away,

Buttercup had kittens.

(gasps)
What?

That's right.

You're a grandfather.

(meowing)

My God.

This is more pussy
than even I can handle.

CLEVELAND:
Is he gonna say "giggity"?

Should I say "giggity"?

Are other people
allowed to say "giggity"?

Giggity.

What?

Nothing. It's stupid.

Ah, that was a great
dinner, Sujin.

I've missed you so much.

I'd forgotten how happy
we make each other.

Okay, I'm done
with this sweet rice water

that has a pine nut
floating in it.

Nice dessert,
by the way.

Can we watch
the thing now?

Of course.
Here it is--

the last episode
of Winter Summer.

Oh, my God!

This is everything
I've dreamed of.

Well, this, and becoming
a half-man, half-horse.

Give up these legs?

Don't be absurd.

(dramatic music playing)

(all crying)

Why?!

Why would American
Johnny leave Korea?

He had everything!

Love! A family!

Why would he go
back to his sad,

pathetic bachelor
life in America?!

He's got nothing there!

Why would he ever
want to go home?!

Okay, Quagmire,
let's go home.

Well, you know what?

You're right, Peter.

American Johnny
never should've left.

It was the only time
he was ever happy.

What? What are you saying?

Hey, Sin-ju,
your TV says it's 21:00.

What is that in real time?

I'm saying I'm not going
back to Quahog.

What?!

But we've-we've
seen the last episode.

We did what we came here to do.

Peter, everything
you just said is true.

I don't have anyone
waiting for me in Quahog.

But here, I've got Sujin.

I've got Buttercup
and our grandcats.

I've got a family.

I'm not gonna make the same
mistake American Johnny did.

I'm staying here.

KOREAN ANNOUNCER:
Will Quagmire stay in Korea?

Will Peter find a new friend?

Find out after this Korean
commercial Ashton Kutcher

thought no one in America
would ever see.

Hi. I'm Ashton Kutcher.

Have you ever killed a dog
while driving drunk,

and then been upset that there
was no way for your car engine

to cook it for you
on the rest of the drive home?

Well, those days are over,

thanks to Dr. Lee's
Pet Engine Cooking Bag.

Just put the dog in the bag,
place it over the engine block,

and drive your usual
20 miles per hour

over the speed limit.

Mmm. Bow-wow!

I'm Ashton Kutcher,
and remember,

Dr. Lee's Pet Engine
Cooking Bags

are not meant for babies.

But they can be used
for babies.

Quagmire,
you can't stay in Korea.

We all got lives back in Quahog.

That's just it, Peter--
you have lives.

You guys all have
wives and kids.

And I have nothing
waiting for me back there.

But here, I have a family.

Plus, commercial pilots
around here can just

fly their plane
into the ocean if they want.

Peter's right--
we can't just leave you here.

Who am I gonna get
all my wiener jokes from?

You're my wiener guy.

Joe, I got them from a book.

I wish I didn't know that.

Don't peek
behind the curtain, huh?

Sorry, guys,
you're not gonna change my mind.

I just feel like
I belong here with Sujin.

What are you gonna do?

It's a powerful thing
when a woman pays you

even the slightest
bit of attention.

Yeah, God knows
I've been there.

Welcome to Chili's.

We're through.

Can't believe Quagmire
isn't coming back with us.

Donna's mother?
It was suicide.

You guys want to check out
Brazil while we're out?

We just got to accept that
Quagmire has made his decision.

There's nothing
we can do about it.

Yeah, I guess as far as
Quagmire's concerned,

he's totally Korean now.

(Korean pop music playing)

Guys, there's only one way
to get through to a Korean.

Through their music.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

We can try your thing.

Eh, another show about a lizard.

Quagmire,
you're making a mistake.

Quahog is where
you belong.

That's right.

And if you won't
listen to us,

maybe you'll listen
to, um... us.

But singing.

(Korean pop music playing)

Quagmire!

Quagmire!

♪ Heh-heh heh-heh-heh ♪

♪ Ooo! ♪

♪ Your new romance has you lost
in an Asian trance ♪

♪ So we're breakin' the spell
with a K-pop dance ♪

♪ Ooo-oo-oo-oo-hoo ♪

♪ In our booty pants ♪
♪ Ooo-oo-oo-oo-hoo ♪

♪ Everything in this land
is complete nonsense ♪

♪ Even worse, Kim Jong-un
lives across that fence ♪

♪ Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Come home, where you belong ♪

♪ Quahog is your home ♪

♪ Quagmire ♪

♪ Who wants to live in Korea? ♪
♪ Come home ♪

♪ Their name sounds like gonorrhea ♪
♪ Quahog ♪

♪ So, Quagmire, please
tell 'em see ya ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on
home, Quahog is your home ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ Whiskey, steaks
and giant bongs ♪

♪ Ricki Lake and Howie Long ♪

♪ Giant boobies,
firm and strong ♪

♪ Not here,
only in the U.S.A., hey ♪

♪ Come on home today ♪
♪ Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

Confusing dance break!

Random names of snacks now!

Candy!

Quahog!

Marshmallow!

Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow!

♪ You only belong in Quahog ♪

♪ Come home ♪

♪ You really love pussy,
they eat dog ♪

♪ So, buddy, please run,
don't jog and ♪

♪ Come on, come on,
come on home ♪

♪ Quahog is your home ♪
♪ Boy ♪

♪ Heh-heh-heh-heh,
heh-heh-heh, ooo! ♪

♪ Heh-heh-heh,
heh-heh-heh-heh ♪

♪ Ooo! ♪

Sorry, guys.

I know those New York Giants
jerseys weren't cheap,

but I'm staying here,
and that's final.

Well, I pressed our matching
beige pantsuits for tomorrow.

Good night.

(screams)

Who's that?!

This is my grandfather.

He is going to live with us,
in the Asian tradition.

So will the rest of my aunts,
uncles and cousins.

(indistinct chatter)

They will?

Of course.

And have you met
Great-Grandma?

I can see through her!

I-Is she a ghost?

We don't know.

She won't answer.

Tomorrow, you take her to
town to buy root vegetable.

After that, you will
get psychopath haircut

so you look
like one of us.

(sighs)

What's the matter, Glenn?

You don't seem
completely emotionless.

No, no, no, no, I am, I am.

I'm emotionless.

Good night, Glenn.

Oh, and just
so you know,

three of my cousins
have night terrors.

(people snoring)

(screams)

(screams)

Oh, no!

It's crazy we're going
home without Quagmire.

What are we gonna
do without him?

Rent his house to a sorority,
enjoy the babes?

Huh.

Good-bye, Quagmire.

We're gonna
miss you, buddy.

QUAGMIRE:
Guys, wait!

(Korean pop music playing)

♪ Who wants to live in Korea? ♪

♪ Their name sounds
like gonorrhea ♪

Candy!

Quahog!

Marshmallow!

Candy! Quahog! Marshmallow!

What I'm trying
to say is...

guys, I'm coming back
to Quahog with you.

You are?

Oh, that's great!

But wait, won't
that upset Sujin

and your new
Korean family?

What, are you kidding?

They all got to be
in a K-pop song.

That's all anyone here wants.

Look, Great-Grandma is so happy,

she finally died
and became a ghost.

Thanks again for convincing me
to come home, guys.

No problem, Quagmire.

Looks like Donna's mother's
funeral went well.

Odd choice to have an open
casket for a gunshot suicide.

Yep, I thought
I wanted a family,

but I love having
no responsibilities here.

I can get drunk whenever,
sleep with anyone,

and just hide in my house

and avoid the world
if I feel like it.

Wow, that's great,
and totally doesn't sound

like symptoms
of clinical depression.

I heard you gentleman
went to South Korea.

Yeah.

Well, that's cool.

We went to Lake
Havasu, you losers!

We nabbed so much
college beav!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man