Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 9 - This Little Piggy - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 13x09 ♪ This Little Piggy
Original Air Date on January 25, 2015

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry



Oh, this is a big moment for Stewie.

Big moment?
Come on, Lois,

he's moving from the green room
to the purple room.

And just last month,
we had to come here

when he went into the green room
from the yellow room.

Oh, don't remind me.

I'm gonna start crying all over again.

I told work he was getting dialysis,

so I got the whole day off.

Stewie Griffin,
welcome to the purple room.

(applause)

Wow, look at that!
This must be how

the Tin Man felt
when he finally got his heart.

And as for you, Tin Man,
a 19-year-old kid in Cincinnati



was struck by
a drunk driver last night.

And so... you've
got your heart.

You know, it's kind of hitting me now

that maybe I was thinking
more metaphorically.

Oh, no... you said
you wanted a heart

over and over again.

You sang that whole song about it.

We bumped you right up
to the top of the donor list.

Which means there's
a father of three in Nebraska

who now has a very little chance

of receiving one
within the next 24 hours.

So feel good about that.

Now, who wanted the brain?

"And when Alexander saw
the breadth of his domain,

he wept, for there were
no more worlds to conquer."

All right, take it
down a notch, Stewie.

You just happen to be the
offspring of a generation

that celebrates their kids for nothing.

Everybody's always getting an award.

Well, you've never gotten an award.

Uh, what's that bowl
that says "good boy"?

You know, that was our old dog's dish.

Hey, how are you?

I-I was just putting this cake
in my purse for a friend.

Listen, you probably get
asked this all the time,

but have you ever modeled?

I've never even been
in a picture before.

Well, I don't just shoot school events.

My real passion is discovering
talent like yours.

Really? You think
I could model?

Sure. You've got
a great look.

Here's my number... give me
a call if you're interested.

Wow, me being a model!

I mean, I guess
crazier things have happened.

Heh-hoo!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Rocky Dennis the Menace.

What the hell?

Oh, it's you.

My wife said I'm not allowed
to get mad at you anymore.

All right, see you later.
Where are you off to?

Actually, I met a photographer
at Stewie's school yesterday,

and he wants me to model for him.

Lois, please send these
back to the factory.

I believe they're defective.
Oh, my God, Peter,

did you just rip your own ears off?

It was the easiest way

to let her know the news
was ridiculous.

You know, it would be nice

if you guys believed in me just once.

You're being terrible parents.

Even worse than John Edwards.

Kids, we need to talk.

Your mama has cancer.

And it's made me incredibly horny.

Take care.

You know, Brian, I gave some thought

to what you said the other day,
and I realized you're right.

Moving to the purple room
is not an achievement.

Stewie, what are you doing here?

I asked Peter to read my manuscript,

and he said he had to
take you to dialysis.

Anyway, you got me thinking.

I've spent my entire life
in that ivory tower,

learning from pop-up books
and animal sound machines,

instead of actually
experiencing the world.

That's why I got this.

I'm gonna take a year off,
hit the open road

and live life to the fullest.

You're a baby.

How'd you afford a car?

Don't worry, I got a great price on it.

You know how good I am
at making a deal.

All right, I have $50
for the first person

with a paper clip
and rouge in their purse.

Ooh, ooh!
Monty, Monty!

Paper clip and rouge!
Paper clip and rouge!

Why do you have rouge?

I don't know, it's been
in the purse for ages.

Why do you have a purse?

For the paper clips
and rouge, you idiot!

What are you gonna buy with that $50?

Purses and rouge!

Sorry to use your bathroom so much.

I'm just really nervous.

You have nothing to be nervous about.

This is gonna be fun.

Okay, well, here goes.

All right, Meg, while we take these,

we can either play "Freeze Frame"

or "She Works Hard
for the Money."

Which would you prefer?

Can we play both?

Sure.

(both songs play simultaneously)
♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪ So hard for it, honey ♪

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪ So you better... ♪

Well, that was a stupid idea.

But you... you were phenomenal.

You really think so?

Here, have a look.

I think these turned out great.

Wait, Ben...
are they all of my feet?

Well, Meg, the thing is...
my name's Evan, by the way...

a lot of people will pay good
money for pictures of sexy feet.

Foot-fetish porn sites
are a huge business.

But when you asked me to model,

I thought you meant real modeling.

This is real modeling.

And you could be our next big star.

Really?

I don't know...

Come on, it could be great.

You'll meet lots of famous people.

Like Charles Barkley.

Hi, Meg.

You have nice
"feetses."

I want to put 'em both in my mouth

and then make a slapping sound
on my bald head with 'em.

We have a tranq gun if he gets rough.

♪ Highway run ♪

♪ Into the midnight sun... ♪

(gasps)

Meg, why are you home so early?

Yeah, I thought you were
doing your modeling thing.

I was.

But what...
what's happening here?

Well, not that it's
any of your business, Meg,

but this is why we've been
married as long as we have.

We do things together.

You think 20 years just happens?

No, it does not.

Now, tell us fast about your nonsense,

so I can plow your mother
on the staircase.

Yeah, what kind of photo shoot was it?

Did they take a picture
of you eating a whole pizza pie

next to an astonished chef?

(laughing)

Actually, Evan thinks I'm a natural

and that I'm gonna be a huge success.

He thinks I could be a famous model.

You, famous?

Oh, come on, Meg.

Your only chance at fame would've been

as the dog on "Frasier."

Well, of course I respect
my father. He's a vet.

Woof!

Not that kind of vet.

(audience laughs)

So, where exactly are we going anyway?

Brian, I think the road has
a way of telling you

where you're going.

There.

Rhode Island Folk Festival.

The road has spoken.

Huh, that actually sounds kind of fun.

See, Brian?

This trip's already off
to a great start.

Certainly better than
that retreat we went on

with the Quahog Baptist Choir.

Why don't we show our visitors
how we sing what we see, y'all?

♪ Sing what we see,
sing what we see ♪

Brother Roscoe, what do you see?

♪ Oh, I see
a Howard Johnson's billboard ♪

♪ Sing what you see ♪
WOMAN: ♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ An old red barn
that needs a paint job ♪

♪ Sing what you see ♪
WOMAN: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Boy in a truck
too young to drive ♪

♪ Sing what you see ♪

Brian!

Oh, uh, uh...

Car?
(groaning)

Come on.

Let's just see what we see
and keep it to ourselves.

Hey, Evan.

Oh, good, Meg, you're here.

Grab a pair of dirty socks and
meet me by the tub of dead mice.

Actually, Evan, I've been
thinking about this,

and I'm not sure being a
foot-fetish model is for me.

What?

You can't quit.

You're an overnight sensation.

I am?

You got 35,000 views in one night.

And none of them got past
the fourth picture.

What does that mean?

Oh...

They love you.

And look at these comments.

"Who is this?"

"She's beautiful."

A bunch of anti-Muslim stuff.

"Great feet."

You're a hit, Meg.

Wow. That's...
that's amazing.

It's not often that
anyone says anything nice

about any part of me.

But still, I don't...
I don't know.

It's porn... I never
thought I'd do porn.

I understand your apprehension, Meg.

That's why I'm going to confuse
you by calling it "erotica."

And besides, think about all your fans.

I-I guess when you
put it that way...

I wouldn't want to let
down "Drizzlefoot321."

(sighs) You really think
I can do it, Evan?

Of course you can.

Sometimes people just need a
little encouragement to succeed,

like Jason Biggs got
from his grandfather.

Jason, I want you to
promise me one thing...

always be forgettable.

(monitor flatlines)

I will, Grandpa.

Hey, that's just a
regular unattractive guy

who's not famous.

We did it, Grandpa.

What are you doing?

It's 18 and older, Brian.

If I want to get in,
I need to look the part.

I've also been working on my banter.

Like, in case somebody bumps into me...

"Oh, no worries, bro."

Stewie, there's a lot of sex
and drugs at these things.

You sure you're ready for this?

Of course I am.

I'm tired of living my
life in a tiny little box,

like some sort of
claustrophobic turtle.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

He scare inside, he scare outside.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Brian, the key
to these things is to find

a good position to sit on the ground.

Yeah, cool, I got that
blanket from your trunk.

Oh, yeah, the old scratchy
trunk blanket.

Bring it, use it once,

then put it back in the trunk
for the rest of your life.

Ah, yeah.

Okay, this is already hurting my hip.

We could probably just stand.

No, no, we got the blanket.

All right, let's try
sideways on the elbow.

Ow, no, that hurts.

Scratchy blanket.

Okay, all right,
let's try sitting on my knees.

Okay, that's good.

Nope. Uh...

Lean back on the palms
until they get weird creases.

(grunts)
No.

All the way back? Nope.

Flat-back, craning to look up?

Terrible.
(grunts)

Balls of feet butt-hover
like a Chinese guy?

Nope.

All right, standing it is.

(cheering)

I got to tell you, Bri,
I am a big fan of sundresses.

Oh, yeah. Every woman
looks good in a sundress.

Yeah, just waiting
for a big gust of wind, right?

Huh? Good gust of wind?

See a couple fannies? Huh?

Give a little bare-hand slap,
a little cup?

Yep, that's what we're here for.
Okay, Stewie.

Yeah. Just give it a little
test tap, see where she's at.

Then you're pushing all up
on that fanny.

Whoa, Stewie.
Yeah! Yeah, "whoa."

Who's this Stewie,
huh? Yeah.

I'll tell you who this Stewie is.

This is day-drinking Stewie.

On the patrol for fannies.

Fanny! Yeah! Fanny!

What are you looking at?

All right, finished a chapter.

Time to reward myself
with a slow, relaxing yank.

Let's see.
What will it be today?

Time to spin the Wheel of Porn.

All right, foot fetish it is.

Wait a minute.

(gasps)
Oh, my God.

Mom! Dad! Meg is
doing foot porn!

What?! Oh, my God.

Peter, our little girl
is doing pornography!

We got to stop her!
What the hell?

There's an animated version
of you and me doing it.

Who put that on there?

(indistinct chatter)

Brian!
Stewie!

Hey, how's it going, man?

Uh, I don't know.
Four different bands said

we've been a great crowd,
so you tell me.

Yeah, I've had a pretty good day, too.

People keep passing out and barfing,

and that barf is, like, free to take.

Awesome.

Plus, I met the most amazing girl.

Well, I'll tell you this,
she's got to be

the second most amazing girl here,

because I've met the most amazing girl.

Oh, here she comes now.
Oh, here she comes now.

Hey, Stewie! Hey, Brian!

Oh, crap.

Wait, how can a music festival
chick like two guys?

As soon as Meg walks through that door,

I am giving her a piece of my mind.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Wait, you've been
upstairs the whole time?

I figured all that
clomping around up there

was Junior Gorg from Fraggle Rock.

Is that what you really thought?

I did.
I really did.

Meg, we know
you've been doing foot porn,

and that is going to stop right now.

Please. Don't try to act
like you guys care.

Oh, thank God.

Peter!

Meg, we do care.

And we're just trying to protect you.

Are you kidding?
All you've done is make fun

of anybody possibly thinking
I could be a model.

Well, guess what,

there are people out there
who think I'm beautiful.

(horn honking)
That's my ride.

I'm going to a big party
they're throwing in my honor.

Meg, don't you dare walk out
that door, or you're grounded.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe
our daughter's a porn star!

Well, porn actress.

Let's not go crazy on the
Christmas letter, okay, Lois?

Peter, we got to do something.

Our daughter just left for
some sleazy foot porn party.

I feel like we're getting
invited to less stuff nowadays.

We got to find out where that party is

and get Meg out of there!

You're right.
God, what happened?

It seems like just yesterday
she was born.

Mr. Griffin, would you like
to cut the cord?

Sure.

Okay, that wasn't the cord,
and now you've got a girl.

♪ Ooh, oh, Josephine... ♪

Okay, Brian, so we like the same girl.

There's no reason we can't
be gentlemen about this.

Absolutely.

Our friendship is more important
than any one girl.

Hey, guys.

I got us all some food.

Oh, great.

Just mash Brian's pill in there

and smear it on the grass,
he's good to go.

Oh, no, he's kidding.

I-I'm perfectly capable
of taking a pill.

(gagging)

Yep, down the hatch.

Now, Stewie, would you like
your food served to you

as an airplane or a magic bus?

(chuckles) You two
are so cool and funny.

(laughing):
Brian especially.

Did you happen to read his
tweet about "jumbo shrimp"?

(chuckles)

Just a little heads-up.

Stewie still screams,
"What's happening?"

when he gets an erection.

Oh, this is nice, spending
this time together.

Brian, why don't you show Cassandra
your Boost Mobile phone?

Stewie has AIDS.

Guys, guys, there's no reason to fight.

I don't have AIDS, by the way.

In fact...

I was thinking maybe
we could all have a three-way.

A... a three-way?

I'm in.
Yeah, totally.

Really?

Cool! Let's go.

I'm serious, man.
I'm doing this.

I am, too.
Bring it on.

Don't doubt me, Brian.

I never back down.

Like Boppo, the inflatable
punching clown.

Ah, you're in big trouble, Boppo.

We told you to take a dive
in the third round,

and you just kept popping back up.

Let him have it, boys.

(grunting)

He's pretty tough, boss.

I'll handle this.

Whoa! Boppo!

Take it easy there, pal!

We-we-we was just
playin' with ya!

Yeah, we didn't mean no harm.

(siren wailing)

IRISH OFFICER (over megaphone):
Boppo!

We've got the place
completely surrounded!

We all know how it's going to end!

Come out with your hands up, lad!

♪ Bat us around ♪

♪ But we land on our feet... ♪

(whispering): All right, let's lay
some ground rules here.

You take her left side,
I'll take her right.

What?

Wait, how about top and
bottom, or front and back?

How about I take head, shoulders,

knees and toes, knees and toes?

Okay, you can have those.

You just gave away the store, mister.

CASSANDRA:
You guys ready?

(snorts)

'Cause I am.

Ah! What's
happening?!

Is... is this...
is this foreplay?

She's dead.

I think she had a drug overdose.

Well, just 'cause she's out
doesn't mean the party's over.

Yes, it does.
We gotta get out of here.

What? We can't
just leave her.

She had nobody.

No family, no friends.

Really?
How do you know all that?

"All that"?

You said you were in love with her.

Did you not talk to her at all?

No, I-I talked to her.

I know she liked...
tents.

And cocaine.

Oh, oh, and how she loved
bleeding from her nose.

You're a monster.

You're even worse
than Dr. Finkelstein.

Igor, did you get the body?

Yes, master.

You know what to do.

It's a five!

A five!

Oh, hey, guys.
What's going on?

Quagmire, we need your help
finding Meg.

I would love if you guys
would just call first.

She's run off to some
foot-fetish porn party.

We figured you might know where it is.

You know, 'cause of
your boners and stuff.

Foot-fetish party, huh?

Well, come on in.

Let me just fire up the Internet here.

Gonna go to
"Ask Beeves."

Sorry, Joe's Wi-Fi
is really slow today.

Ugh, I know, it's the worst.

We also use his cable TV.

I like Joe.

Here we go.

Oh, it's a busy night.

There's a black-tie event...

that's all black and Thai chicks.

Okay, this must be Meg's thing.

It says there's
a shoe-kake party tonight.

"Shoe-kake"?

Wh-What's that?

It's 50 guys, one foot.

Oh, my.

♪ ♪

All right, come on, Stewie.

Let's get this over with.

Well, slow down, Brian.

Everyone deserves a proper burial.

Why do you think we've been saving

that VCR box in the basement?

Oh, fine.

Um, Cassandra, I'm sorry
your life was so screwed up

that you almost had a three-way
with a dog and a baby,

but your life was not without meaning.

I left the comfort of the classroom

to experience a world beyond books,

and thanks to you, I did.

Also, I loaned you $40
for that Lumineers T-shirt,

and you said you'd pay me back,
so I'm gonna take your bra.

Wow.

Lot of people O.D.
at these things.

Yeah.

Let's go trade this bra
for a couple of Gatorades.

All right, you guys, before we begin,

let's sing the Japanese
national anthem.

Everybody stop what you're doing!

Yeah, or else we'll...
(giggling)

That one's wearing goggles.

Mom? Dad?

What are you doing here?

I'll tell you what we're doing here.

We're protecting our little girl

from a lot of guys who I oddly
recognize from Best Buy.

Listen, Meg, your mom and I are sorry

for always putting you down.

That's right.

You shouldn't have to do porn
to feel appreciated.

Really?

Of course, Meg.

We love you, sweetheart.

And you deserve better than this.

Thanks, you guys.

Can we please go home?

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Not so fast.

I promised these men a foot.

What did you say is going on

on the other side of this curtain?

Don't worry about it.

Just keep watching Tower Heist.

This crew pulling off a robbery?

Good luck.

Well, Brian, thanks for going

on that little adventure with me,

but I think I've learned quite enough

from the real world for now.

I guess you're ready for the
purple room after all, huh?

Yes. In fact, today
was my first day.

I saw that teacher at
the concert with her boob out.

She was, um, popular.

Mom, Dad, thanks for keeping me

from doing something I'd always regret.

Of course, sweetie.

We love you, and we would never let

anything bad happen to you.

(knocking at door)

Peter, we got a problem.

Somehow my foot got pregnant
watching Tower Heist.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry