Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - Baking Bad - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Hotel TV,
the station that makes you feel like you're at a hotel
when you're not at a hotel.
Have a romantic drink by the concourse fountain.
Or you can watch the big game at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
where they'll be pouring till 2:00 a.m.
Or maybe you're in the mood for something
a little more exotic.
Try Jose Gato's Brazilian Steakhouse.
With rooftop views, plus a fine selection
of blended rum drinks.
At the end of the night,
you won't want to say, "Boa noite."
And you won't have to, 'cause Chopper's is open,
where they're pouring till 2:00 a.m.
Should we go to Chopper's?
NEWS ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program
to bring you a Channel 5 News special report.
Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.
Tragedy stuck Haiti today
as the island nation was rocked by a major earthquake,
leaving thousands dead and injured.
Coming up, local newsman shows a camera operator
how to center a shot.
There we go.
There, there's Tom.
There's the star.
Oh, my God. That's terrible about Haiti.
We got to do something to help.
No, we don't.
Relax. I'm sure Wyclef Jean
has got it all under control.
I've always talked about
wanting to help in these situations,
but I never follow through.
Well, this time, I'm really gonna do it.
I'm gonna start a blood drive.
Good for you, Lois.
You'll be a local hero, like Paul Revere.
The British will be here soon.
We shall stand our ground
and fight them to the death!
Yes! Yes!
Although... I mean, one of us
should probably warn everyone.
You know... that the British are coming.
I mean, not me.
I mean, I want to fight.
I mean, oh, shoot... I've got the horse.
I mean, but if anyone else wants to go?
MAN: I'll go.
No one? All right.
I'll make sure everyone remembers your names!
Wow, Lois, you really got a great turnout
for the blood drive. Oh, yeah.
The whole thing's going off without a hitch.
Well, except for that mosquito
who keeps trying to sneak in.
Hi. I'm the new nurse.
Get out of here!
This blood's not for you!
Aw...
Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it.
All right, I'm happy again.
I'm gonna go ahead and thank you
for donating blood today.
Donating?!
I thought we were getting paid!
Peter, everyone else here has donated except you.
That's not true.
That guy over there didn't donate.
That's still you, Peter.
Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
he's got to donate, too.
You, get in here!
(laughs) Sucker!
Son of a bitch!
STEWIE: Lois! Lois!
Mommy!
Stewie, what's going on?
You should be asleep by now.
I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman?
I need her to read me a bedtime story.
Oh, she's busy with the blood drive.
Maybe I can help.
How about I read you this book?
It's called Apathetic George.
"George used to be a curious monkey,
"but after a month in captivity,
"all he did was wait for food.
"The zoo people wanted him to mate,
"but he lost interest in that, too.
"20 years and millions of dollars
in zoo revenue later, he died."
Okay, I've had enough. All right, you know what,
I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.
Well, I hope so. Because I've tried everything.
Counting sheep, thinking sleepy thoughts.
I even hired the Sandman.
Sand and sand and sand and sand
and sand and sand and good night!
Okay, I'll give you a tiny bit of this.
It should help you sleep. What is it?
It's cough syrup. It's not really for kids,
but a capful is pretty harmless.
Mmm.
Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne keeps almost dying from.
Ah, this is so relaxing.
I could get used to this.
Like the way I got used to wearing European diapers.
Don't mind me.
I'm just grabbing a little cheese and vino.
If anybody needs me, I'll be poolside
next to my weirdly hot girlfriend with dark teeth.
Well, Lois, I'm done giving blood.
Just ask this guy.
(à la Dracula): Is true, Lois.
I sucked him dry.
He gave a blood donation as well.
Peter, knock it off. Just give some blood,
get your cookie and be done with it.
Cookie? Yes, Peter.
There are cookies for everyone who donates.
Well, I already ate two wedding cakes,
but I guess I could go for a cookie.
All right, I'll do it.
Peter, you're doing a good thing.
Thanks, Lois, but you got to promise you'll warn me
before they stick that needle in me.
Actually, we just finished.
Wow, that wasn't so bad.
See, Peter? And now you can have a cookie.
Oh, awesome!
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God, th-these are delicious.
Lois, you made these?
Yeah, I found one of my grandmother's old recipes,
so I thought I'd make a special batch for the blood drive.
Well, I'm glad you did. These cookies are amazing.
They're even tastier than Connie Britton's hair.
(licking sounds)
Mmm. God, your hair is delicious.
Who are you?
I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard.
ANNOUNCER: Coming this fall to every network,
your favorite sitcom lines preceded by the word "uh."
Uh, knock much?
(canned laughter)
Uh, that just happened.
(canned laughter)
Uh, so I guess this is a thing now?
Uh, yeah, no.
Uh, awkward.
(canned laughter)
ANNOUNCER: TV, that thing you used to watch.
Oh, these are incredible.
Hey, you know something?
If we sold these, we could make a ton of money.
Maybe we should open our own cookie store.
Are you serious? Yeah, why not?
I mean, if George Foreman can make electric grills,
we can do this.
I mean, I've seen that guy get punched in the face
a thousand times, and now he's making science stuff.
Who'd think that idiot would still be walking around
and Muhammad Ali can't even talk anymore?
You know, having our own store could be kind of fun.
And you'd really do it with me?
Absolutely.
Oh, Peter, that actually sounds kind of romantic.
I always wanted you and me to work on a project together.
Oh, let's do it!
All right! Now, let's turn up the TV real loud
so the kids can't hear us having sex.
(Western music playing on TV) PETER: Aah! Aah!
Sex! Sex!
There's my handsome business partner.
Now, we can't be late for our meeting with the bank.
That's so cool you guys are gonna open a business.
Yeah, well, I got a ton of business experience.
I mean, I had that job creating ads
for the North Dakota board of tourism.
PETER: Hi. Do you like South Dakota
but don't want to see Mount Rushmore?
Come to North Dakota.
It's just a very long drive from wherever you live.
Best of all, most of the good license plates
aren't taken yet.
Imagine coming here and having "Cool Dude"
or "Yay Jews"
or "Boo Jews,"
depending on where you stand on Jews.
North Dakota.
We're not even the best Dakota.
Stewie, what are you doing?
Huh? Oh, Brian, oh, there you are.
I've been... I've been looking all over the table for you.
You know, I've got to tell you, this stuff you gave me
was a lifesaver last night.
I was out like a light.
And, you know, normally, I'm up five or six times
to scream and defecate. But you know what?
I slept straight through.
Stewie, I told you, there's alcohol in that.
It's not for kids.
You're not for kids. (laughs)
Stewie, you're drunk. (slurring)
Oh, Brian's all serious.
"Oh, I don't... I don't drink in the morning
because I've got to land a plane."
(laughs)
All right, come on, I've got to drive you to daycare.
Okay, okay, it's all right. C-Calm down, calm down.
Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
I think I've put my shoes on the wrong feet.
Is it 9:15 already?
Lois, we got to go!
You know, I've got all the papers for the loan officer,
but, I got to admit, I'm a little nervous.
Don't worry, we're gonna get this loan, no problem.
And if you get nervous, just do what I always do,
picture your audience naked.
Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Aah! Get that enormous thing out of my face!
I'll be your loan officer, so why don't you have a seat
and tell me about your business.
Our business is cookies.
Now let me ask you a question.
You ever heard of money? Yes.
Good, good. We're on the same page.
Now, sir, let me ask you something else.
Can you name one successful company that isn't cookie-based?
Microsoft.
Peter, I'll handle this.
Uh, my husband and I would like to open a cookie store.
We've done all the research,
and I'm very confident we can turn a profit.
I've brought some samples if you'd like to try one.
She said one.
Take one.
Mmm. Well, these are delicious.
Let me just run this by my supervisor.
Yes!
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, this bank would like
to help you start your business.
Really?! Oh, that's fantastic!
And if you have any other questions,
you can call me at any time.
(phone rings)
(groggily): Hello?
PETER: How far away are the stars?
Brian! Brian!
Hold-hold on one second.
I'll be right with you, Mr. Duckford.
Brian! What?
Let's order... I was just thinking, let's order a kebab.
A what? A kebab.
But I... but I want it in this order:
vegetable, meat, meat,
vegetable, meat.
And, uh, Mr. Duckford would like some quackers.
(laughs) Can I leave now?
No, no, Bri... No, you can't. Brian, I need your help.
I've made a series of small poops in my bath,
and I need you to scoop them out with this fishnet.
Yeah, I'm not doing that. You have to.
You're my butler. I'm not your butler.
I know, but wouldn't it be great if you were?
It'd be... I'd be so happy.
In fact, the only thing that would make me happier is...
would... is... would be if this tub was filled with "yawgurt."
Can you... can you get me some yawgurt?
Is the yawgurt shop still open?
Is there... is there some place to dial up yawgurt?
Stop saying that. What's the best skin yawgurt?
Who can... who can prepare me a nice yawgurt treatment?
If you say it like that one more time, I'm gonna drown you.
Yawgurt. Uh, see?
You're not... you're not gonna do anything.
Hey, hey, Brian, am I a good little guy?
This space will be perfect, Peter.
Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
Now all we got to do is name the store.
Ooh, ooh, I got it.
Peter's Wife's Cookies.
(gasps) I love it.
And I love you.
Really? Yes.
You know, we did so-so building a family,
but this business--
I think we can really knock it out of the park.
Oh, we sure can, Lois.
We're gonna be a great team.
Like Moses and his buddy who liked to collect seashells.
Yay!
(exclaims) I can't believe it, Peter.
Our first day of business.
All right. Well, we have got work to do,
so let's roll up our sleeves and get right to it.
There's a lot to do, so we can't be afraid
to just roll up our sleeves and get the job done.
We can't be hands-off managers.
We got to roll up our sleeves and just dig in.
Peter, your arms are turning purple.
Purple with success. That's the color of money.
You got to do the work of two men and pay yourself for one.
Just roll up those sleeves and address the task at hand,
whatever it may be, not shying away from the dirty work,
but just rolling up our sleeves and having at it.
Success is not given. It is taken.
It's time to get in the game and get dirty.
All right, I'm going to lunch.
Uh, yes, I'd like a chocolate chip cookie.
Elmer!
What, Mom? You promised I could get a cookie
if I finished all my surgery.
Did you?
Yeah. All of it?
Um... Get back there.
I'm gonna do it.
What does it matter when I do it?
Lois, Lois, lock the door. Why?
It's that lady who comes in, tries a sample,
and then whispers about how bad she is. Hey.
Oh, my God, you have chocolate macadamia nut?
Oh, could I just try a little sample?
(whispers): Oh, I'm so bad.
Uh, sure.
You gonna buy a cookie this time?
Oh, I better just stick with the sample.
I'm so bad.
But at least I know I'm bad,
so that makes me a little less bad.
Or worse.
That was the right thing to do, Peter.
Oh, boy, it's been really slow.
I mean, if it doesn't pick up soon,
we're not gonna stay in business very long.
Don't you worry, Lois, you keep baking,
I'll drum up some business.
We just got to think outside the box,
like the makers of Dreyer's ice cream.
Guys, I've said it before, and I'll say it again:
When people go to the supermarket,
they need something to look at
before they choose Hãagen-Dazs.
Hey, dude, can you pass me a speck of Spazz?
Sorry, brah, all out.
You want a cube of Froosh?
Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
I got a tear of Laser Dragon.
Can I handle it?
I don't know. Can you?
ANNOUNCER: Gum! What the hell is going on?!
(sighs) I don't know what to do, you guys.
The cookie shop is tanking.
If it fails, we're screwed.
My God, what does it take
to get people to buy a damn cookie?
Peter, let me tell you something.
I spend $600 a month
on scented candles at the farmer's market
just because there's a hot chick selling them.
So what are you saying?
You just bragging about candles?
That's a weird thing to brag about.
No, I'm saying sex sells.
Trust me, you get a few hotties
in that cookie shop of yours,
I bet your sales will go up.
Giggity.
That was an unearned giggity, Quagmire.
I said "up."
No?
No. No.
Well, I'll try anything, Quagmire,
'cause I actually like running that cookie shop.
It's way better than that job I had
telemarketing to buttholes.
MAN: Hello?
Sorry, wrong number.
MAN 2: Hello?
Sorry, wrong number.
(passing gas)
And how are you today, sir?
Oh, my God.
Customers.
What the hell?
(indistinct conversations)
Peter, what did you do?
I saved our business.
And don't worry, I only hired women
whose names are cookie-related.
Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar,
Spice, Cinnamon, Brown Sugar
and Butter.
Oh, hey, Butter.
Some guys like Butter.
Peter, you turned our store into a strip club.
And I don't like what this place has become.
You mean hugely profitable?
We made all that today?
Well, it was twice as much,
but I had to bail out Cinnamon's kid.
Thanks, Mr. Peter.
This guy's the best.
Well, I guess business is better than ever.
That's the spirit, Lois.
Just you watch, we'll be a bigger success
than Richard Branson.
Hey, where's the business guy in this boardroom?
It couldn't be that tan, long-haired guy
with the white linen pants, could it?
It is!
And now, to my amphibious sky submarine.
I have way too much money!
(thumping)
Come on, get-get down there,
you old bag.
There we go.
Stewie, what are you doing?
Being awesome.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
You're in no condition to drive.
I'm fine to drive. I'm so fine.
You s... I can do all the tests.
See? I can touch my nose.
I can touch my...
♪ Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. ♪
Stop it.
No, you stop it.
You stop it, Brian.
You're interfering
with my professional business.
Where's the radio?
(gasps) Oh, my God, are you okay?
No. I don't feel so good.
We should probably exchange numbers.
Okay. I'm a ten, you're a four.
(cackles)
♪ ♪
This one's our new chocolate white chocolate,
and for every dozen we sell,
we donate 50 cents
to Operation Smile.
Yeah, nobody's listening to you.
They're all watching Sugar
write frosting swears on her jugs.
(giggles)
She just wrote "vagina" on her boobs.
That doesn't even make any sense.
She's doing what?
I told her ten minutes ago
to put another batch of oatmeal in the oven.
Oh, that dough is gone, Lois.
I warmed it up and put it behind
those waist-high holes in the wall.
Is it spaghetti? A bowl of grapes?
Ooh, this is the best haunted house ever.
Peter, this is disgusting.
I know we made a few changes,
but this store should still be about selling cookies.
Well, you're never gonna sell any looking like that.
There. Now you're ready to sell cookies.
You know what?
That's it. I'm done.
I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this...
this... whatever this is now.
It's a strip club that gives away free cookies.
Ugh.
Oh, crap.
I should've known something was up
when I saw all those cars out front.
Stewie, why don't you come and have a seat
with all your friends here?
We have something to say to you.
I'll go first.
"Stewie, I remember the day you were born.
"I thought to myself, here's a kid
"who's got a white, empty canvas
stretched out in front of him."
Oh, please. What... Who...
What is this... What is this,
the circle of perfect people?
Who are you to judge me?
Mis-Mister... Mister Giraffe,
who lets l-little boys grind on his rump.
Mr. Octopus, who lets little boys grind on his rump.
Every one of you has your own problems.
Yeah, but you're the only one who almost
killed a kid yesterday.
Yeah, well, that's, d... That's because that...
'Cause, because that kid... That's because...
because that... 'ca... because that kid...
that kid... (sobs)
I know.
Oh, Brian.
Who am I?
I don't have a cough, and my sinuses
are remarkably wide open.
But I have a problem.
Good. Admitting it is the first step.
But don't worry, I'll get you through it.
Thank you, Brian.
You're welcome, Stewie.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Chris's room.
We're doing a masturbation intervention.
I got a bunch of his friends sitting in a circle in there...
Oh, dear God.
Oh. Hey.
Lois, before you say anything,
there's something important I want to tell you.
After you left, I ate cookie dough off the stomach
of a 20-year-old, and then I vomited
and all the girls laughed at me,
and then it came out that they all think I'm fat and old.
Is that it?
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I was wrong to choose sexiness over my wife.
Peter, what are you doing?
What-what was that?
Oh, back at the store, I, uh, tucked my boner
into the waistband of my pants and now it's sitting weird.
That's your apology?
Well, that and this.
Oh, Peter, did...
did you bake this?
Yeah. I love you, Lois.
I really liked having a store with you,
and I'm... I'm sorry I messed it up.
I was only trying to help.
I know, Peter.
So you want to split this with me?
Uh, I wouldn't. Butter helped me with it,
and she has chlamydia fingers.
Well, it was fun having our own store.
But from now on, my cookies
are only for these customers.
(laughs) Oh, Mom.
So, Mom, what are you gonna do with the shop?
Well, I talked to the bank,
and they agreed to take it back.
Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...