Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - The Book of Joe - full transcript
Peter is hired to read Joe's new book to children. Meanwhile, Brian takes up running to impress a girl.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 13x02 ♪
The Book of Joe
Original Air Date on October 5, 2014
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
Joe, we just got here.
Oh, sorry about that.
These got a little mixed up.
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
Ugh, look at Cleveland over there.
He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
Oh, that's nice.
That's a good temp.
I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
Oh, yeah.
Sure is a good day for it.
Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
Is the pool too warm for paint brushes?
(toilet flushes)
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
I didn't see you in the tub.
Huh, what's all this?
JOE: Honey,
it doesn't seem like
the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
Oh. Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
Oh, nothing.
They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
for a children's book.
I don't think that's stupid.
I think that's awesome!
I mean, my one note on these
would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
but, otherwise, I think they're great!
Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
I've been working on this book
for nine years,
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
Then nobody would know about Africa.
What's it about?
Well, it's called The Hopeful Squirrel.
It's about a handicapped squirrel
who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
so he can survive in the wild.
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
Really? You think so?
Hey, trust me, Joe.
I know talent when I see it.
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
Ordinary legume.
Ordinary legume.
Extraordinary peanut!
Oh, man.
There she is.
Wha... Who?
That girl, right there.
She comes in here every morning
after her run.
Ah, I'm obsessed with her.
Well, why don't you go talk to her?
Way ahead of ya.
Wh... Where
are you going?
(panting)
And... 1,000.
Whew.
(laughs)
1,000 what?
Percent, that's what.
(scoffs)
You, uh, you in the game, too?
You mean running?
Uh, let me think...
what's on my trophies?
Uh... yes!
STEWIE:
You're losing her!
Hey, I'm Brian.
Hi, I'm Chloe.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe want
to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
That sounds great.
Awesome.
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
I tried the online dating thing,
but there's just too much
competition out there.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
Due to a gut-busting divorce,
limited people skills,
and significant prodding
from my therapist,
I am currently seeking online
companionship as
a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
And I would love to attempt
to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
(knocking)
Peter, I just heard the best news.
Wow, word gets around fast.
Nice, right?
No. Peter,
I took your advice
and sent my book to a publisher.
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
And it's all thanks to you!
Joe, that's amazing!
So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
with your name on it?
Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name...
David Chicago.
Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
S... Steenburj...
You know, your real name?
I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
They don't like anything artistic.
They were pretty rough on my mime act.
I'm in a box.
Oop, that's the back of the box.
You're not supposed to talk!
Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?!
(doorbell rings)
Oh. Hi, Brian.
Hey. You, uh...
you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
Of course not.
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
we could go out for a run and then eat.
Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
Oh, come on, don't be a wimp!
This way, you'll earn your dessert.
(sighs)
Wow, this is great, isn't it, Brian?
(panting):
Yeah, it's awesome.
Hey, uh, is your vision also
reduced to just a tiny pinhole?
Just push through it, Brian.
Once you hit your runner's high,
you'll catch your second wind.
Runner's high?
Yeah, my endorphins always kick
in at the top of this hill.
Oh, crap.
(panting)
Brian, this is your heart.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
Stop.
Brian, this is your penis.
Don't listen to him.
We're this close to Bone City.
PETER:
Brian, I'm here, too.
I'm hanging out with your penis
and your heart.
Okay, here comes the top.
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
♪ ♪
I feel it.
I'm feeling the runner's high.
♪ It was a beautiful day ♪
♪ The sun beat down ♪
♪ I had the radio on... ♪
Go get 'em, Brian!
(chuckles)
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
The moon is Korean!
Wow, this is amazing.
I never want to lose this feeling.
♪ Yeah, I'm running' down a dream ♪
♪ That never would come to me ♪
♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪
Oh, Brian.
That was incredible.
Yeah, you hump her real good, Brian!
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
I still see you!
Hello, everyone. I'm Blake
Walker from Piermont Publishing.
Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
(applause)
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
PETER:
That's not a joke!
Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
"There once was a handicapped squirrel
who could not climb trees
to get food."
Okay, next page.
"The squirrel"...
the same squirrel
from the first page...
"hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
"'Please, ' said the Hopeful Squirrel.
"'If you could all spare just one nut,
I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
Sorry about that.
Mommy, I don't like the wheel man.
"But none of the other animals
would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
Don't tell my kid what to do.
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
(parents heckling)
Shut up! This is free!
QUAGMIRE:
You know why it's free?
'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
I think it might be time to leave.
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
I got to do something.
Joe, what are you doing?
The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
It's got to be like,
(cheerfully): "If you
could spare just one nut,
I, too, could
survive the winter!"
Oh, I like that voice.
He's funny.
That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
Joe, quick, give me the book.
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
and arm strength.'"
"'I'm sorry that we mistreated you, '
"said Buddy the Badger.
"'Could you find it in your heart
"to share your nuts with us?'
"'Of course I'll share with you all, '
"said the squirrel.
"'For if I could not forgive,
then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
(cheering)
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
getting more involved?
What do you mean?
Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
He would be David Chicago.
Well, I...
I don't know.
Joe, this happens all the time.
You wouldn't believe who really writes
all those Stephen King books.
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
of every kid in America.
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
All right.
Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
Great! So it's all agreed.
Can't wait to work with you, Peter.
What-what just happened?
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
But don't worry, our industry's fine.
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
- Sure, I...
- Easy there, Joe.
Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
"Never give up on your dreams"?
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
and honor the message of the book.
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
This ain't the first time
I've pretended to be someone I'm not.
(making ghost noises)
Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
(screams) And even in death,
I'm a better critic than you.
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
(hisses)
Gene, is everything all right?
It's fine, Joanne.
Go back to sleep.
(kissing noisily)
(grunts, snorts)
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
Our guest on today's show is
local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
(laughs)
Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
So, tell me, how did you decide
to write about a handicapped squirrel?
You know, I'd see these crippled kids
limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
and I would just laugh and laugh,
and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
(laughter)
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
What's he doing out there?!
I'll tell you what he's doing,
he's selling books!
They love him!
Now, I understand we have some
questions from the audience.
Yes, I have a question.
Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
(high-pitched voice):
I'm a boy!
But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
so it's not a bad question.
Okay, that's all our time.
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
so you can see where I buy my clothes.
(cheering, music playing)
So what's going on here?
Just having dinner.
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
(chuckles) It's called "running," Lois.
Why don't you have some food?
Oh, you mean fuel?
Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
next to the trash, if you get hungry.
I think you bought girl running shoes.
You know, in case any of you
want to, uh, come cheer us on,
Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
in a couple weeks.
A marathon?
But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
I'm not worried, Meg.
I'm just gonna give it all I've got,
like Scotty engineering the Enterprise.
(alarm blaring)
Scotty, we need more speed!
SCOTTY: I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
She can't take any more!
Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
Scotty to bridge.
Uh... Captain, this uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
I-I actually can give her more.
That's great, Scotty!
Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
SCOTTY:
Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
Uh, there's another lever here, too.
The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
I... (laughs)
I'm sorry.
I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
It's okay, Scotty.
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
I've just been thinking about
this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
I-I feel terrible.
I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
Scotty, it's okay.
No, it's not!
Eric's dead!
At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
"I was giving her
all she's got."
Scotty, it's fine.
Sulu, lock phasers...
Captain, I just got to jump in here.
W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
to run the phasers.
I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
Peter, I think we need to talk.
You totally screwed up my book.
You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
when I'm trying to inspire them.
I'm afraid you're off the project.
What?
You can't kick me off the project.
I'm David Chicago!
I'm the one who wrote the book.
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
who can do a squirrel voice.
(high-pitched voice): Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Sorry, Joe, but the publisher loves me.
The public loves me.
I'm not going anywhere.
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
You've ruined this for me.
I want nothing to do with the book,
and I want nothing to do with you!
Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
(toilet flushes, door opens)
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
Did you really take
his book away from him?
Did you just poop and then get into bed
without underwear on?
That book really meant a lot to Joe.
I think you should talk to him.
Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
And besides, he's the one who quit.
Now the publisher wants another
book and it's all on me!
I just hate to see you two in a fight.
And on the same week
when my sister and I
are having such a big fight, too.
Good night, Lois.
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
All right, now, who's got something?
I-I got... I got something.
What if the squirrel has lasers...
that he shoots out of his eyes!
Quagmire's on the board.
And how 'bout he got a frog friend
that's got some sort of catchphrase?
Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
"Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
Wow.
God just speaks right through
you, doesn't he, Cleveland?
I believe he does.
Okay, what else, what else?
If there's a bison...
Is that a statement or a question?
It is what it is.
Ain't nothing gotta be nothing, huh?
BRIAN: Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
(sighs)
What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
Hey, could you close the gate?
Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
Brian, you're all sinewy.
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
- Thanks.
- That's not a compliment.
You look terrible.
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
I got, like, eight more nipples
to cover up before my run.
You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
Oh, I'm not healthy?
Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
Besides, I got to keep training.
The marathon's in two days.
Brian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
Do you remember that phase
when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
Was someone wearing my new high heels?
You dick.
(dramatic music playing)
QUAGMIRE (over P.A. system):
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, hot moms who
are married but looking...
David Chicago!
(crowd cheering)
Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
(cheering)
"Chapter One.
"It was winter in the forest,
"so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
"But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
"was gonna hit him so fierce
"he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
"On top of that, some son of
a bitch killed his brother."
"The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand tore his head open.
"'His brains, his brains...
they're everywhere!'
the little girl yelled."
CLEVELAND: "'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
"The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
But then..."
"'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make, '
"said Randy the Raccoon.
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
"'That and a bag of crank
"is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
The end."
- You're awful.
- That was the worst.
We had trouble hearing you in the back.
I'm sorry, Peter, you're fired.
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
(sighs) What was I thinking?
Joe's the one with all the talent.
Me trying to write a book
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
Hey, you made it!
So you ready to watch me kick some ass?
Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
from a guy who eats bread.
ANNOUNCER:
Runners, take your marks!
(crowd cheering)
(screams) Oh, son of a bitch!
Ow, my leg!
Help me, somebody!
(grunting, groaning)
Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
Peter.
Look, Joe, I messed up.
All right? I just...
I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
The attention you deserved.
I know how much this meant to you,
and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry I mistreated you.
Okay?
You deserve better.
Peter, wait.
If I could not forgive, then I
would be truly handicapped.
What?
It's from the book, Peter.
What book?
I forgive you, Peter.
You do?
Yeah. The truth is, I never
would have had the confidence
to get my book published
in the first place.
And that's all I ever wanted.
Friends?
Frasier.
So, Bri, how's that ankle itch?
Well, what do you mean?
I'm just saying, you probably have
an itchy ankle under that cast.
It starts as a tickle and then
you can't quite reach it?
- Not gonna work, Stewie.
- Yes, you're right.
Best not to think about it.
Even though it might be a little bug
digging away down there, just
nagging and itching and...
Ah, ah, crap, I did it to myself!
Ah, what is that?
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
Yeah, me, too.
It just goes to show you,
Lois, books is bad news.
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
The Single Girls' Guide to Happy Hour.
Dogs Who Look Like Presidents.
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
I like where the USA is headed.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 13x02 ♪
The Book of Joe
Original Air Date on October 5, 2014
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
Joe, we just got here.
Oh, sorry about that.
These got a little mixed up.
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
Ugh, look at Cleveland over there.
He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
Oh, that's nice.
That's a good temp.
I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
Oh, yeah.
Sure is a good day for it.
Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
Is the pool too warm for paint brushes?
(toilet flushes)
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
I didn't see you in the tub.
Huh, what's all this?
JOE: Honey,
it doesn't seem like
the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
Oh. Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
Oh, nothing.
They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
for a children's book.
I don't think that's stupid.
I think that's awesome!
I mean, my one note on these
would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
but, otherwise, I think they're great!
Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
I've been working on this book
for nine years,
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
Then nobody would know about Africa.
What's it about?
Well, it's called The Hopeful Squirrel.
It's about a handicapped squirrel
who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
so he can survive in the wild.
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
Really? You think so?
Hey, trust me, Joe.
I know talent when I see it.
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
Ordinary legume.
Ordinary legume.
Extraordinary peanut!
Oh, man.
There she is.
Wha... Who?
That girl, right there.
She comes in here every morning
after her run.
Ah, I'm obsessed with her.
Well, why don't you go talk to her?
Way ahead of ya.
Wh... Where
are you going?
(panting)
And... 1,000.
Whew.
(laughs)
1,000 what?
Percent, that's what.
(scoffs)
You, uh, you in the game, too?
You mean running?
Uh, let me think...
what's on my trophies?
Uh... yes!
STEWIE:
You're losing her!
Hey, I'm Brian.
Hi, I'm Chloe.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe want
to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
That sounds great.
Awesome.
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
I tried the online dating thing,
but there's just too much
competition out there.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
Due to a gut-busting divorce,
limited people skills,
and significant prodding
from my therapist,
I am currently seeking online
companionship as
a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
And I would love to attempt
to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
(knocking)
Peter, I just heard the best news.
Wow, word gets around fast.
Nice, right?
No. Peter,
I took your advice
and sent my book to a publisher.
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
And it's all thanks to you!
Joe, that's amazing!
So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
with your name on it?
Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name...
David Chicago.
Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
S... Steenburj...
You know, your real name?
I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
They don't like anything artistic.
They were pretty rough on my mime act.
I'm in a box.
Oop, that's the back of the box.
You're not supposed to talk!
Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?!
(doorbell rings)
Oh. Hi, Brian.
Hey. You, uh...
you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
Of course not.
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
we could go out for a run and then eat.
Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
Oh, come on, don't be a wimp!
This way, you'll earn your dessert.
(sighs)
Wow, this is great, isn't it, Brian?
(panting):
Yeah, it's awesome.
Hey, uh, is your vision also
reduced to just a tiny pinhole?
Just push through it, Brian.
Once you hit your runner's high,
you'll catch your second wind.
Runner's high?
Yeah, my endorphins always kick
in at the top of this hill.
Oh, crap.
(panting)
Brian, this is your heart.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
Stop.
Brian, this is your penis.
Don't listen to him.
We're this close to Bone City.
PETER:
Brian, I'm here, too.
I'm hanging out with your penis
and your heart.
Okay, here comes the top.
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
♪ ♪
I feel it.
I'm feeling the runner's high.
♪ It was a beautiful day ♪
♪ The sun beat down ♪
♪ I had the radio on... ♪
Go get 'em, Brian!
(chuckles)
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
The moon is Korean!
Wow, this is amazing.
I never want to lose this feeling.
♪ Yeah, I'm running' down a dream ♪
♪ That never would come to me ♪
♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪
Oh, Brian.
That was incredible.
Yeah, you hump her real good, Brian!
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
I still see you!
Hello, everyone. I'm Blake
Walker from Piermont Publishing.
Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
(applause)
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
PETER:
That's not a joke!
Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
"There once was a handicapped squirrel
who could not climb trees
to get food."
Okay, next page.
"The squirrel"...
the same squirrel
from the first page...
"hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
"'Please, ' said the Hopeful Squirrel.
"'If you could all spare just one nut,
I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
Sorry about that.
Mommy, I don't like the wheel man.
"But none of the other animals
would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
Don't tell my kid what to do.
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
(parents heckling)
Shut up! This is free!
QUAGMIRE:
You know why it's free?
'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
I think it might be time to leave.
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
I got to do something.
Joe, what are you doing?
The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
It's got to be like,
(cheerfully): "If you
could spare just one nut,
I, too, could
survive the winter!"
Oh, I like that voice.
He's funny.
That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
Joe, quick, give me the book.
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
and arm strength.'"
"'I'm sorry that we mistreated you, '
"said Buddy the Badger.
"'Could you find it in your heart
"to share your nuts with us?'
"'Of course I'll share with you all, '
"said the squirrel.
"'For if I could not forgive,
then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
(cheering)
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
getting more involved?
What do you mean?
Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
He would be David Chicago.
Well, I...
I don't know.
Joe, this happens all the time.
You wouldn't believe who really writes
all those Stephen King books.
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
of every kid in America.
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
All right.
Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
Great! So it's all agreed.
Can't wait to work with you, Peter.
What-what just happened?
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
But don't worry, our industry's fine.
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
- Sure, I...
- Easy there, Joe.
Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
"Never give up on your dreams"?
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
and honor the message of the book.
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
This ain't the first time
I've pretended to be someone I'm not.
(making ghost noises)
Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
(screams) And even in death,
I'm a better critic than you.
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
(hisses)
Gene, is everything all right?
It's fine, Joanne.
Go back to sleep.
(kissing noisily)
(grunts, snorts)
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
Our guest on today's show is
local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
(laughs)
Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
So, tell me, how did you decide
to write about a handicapped squirrel?
You know, I'd see these crippled kids
limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
and I would just laugh and laugh,
and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
(laughter)
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
What's he doing out there?!
I'll tell you what he's doing,
he's selling books!
They love him!
Now, I understand we have some
questions from the audience.
Yes, I have a question.
Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
(high-pitched voice):
I'm a boy!
But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
so it's not a bad question.
Okay, that's all our time.
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
so you can see where I buy my clothes.
(cheering, music playing)
So what's going on here?
Just having dinner.
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
(chuckles) It's called "running," Lois.
Why don't you have some food?
Oh, you mean fuel?
Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
next to the trash, if you get hungry.
I think you bought girl running shoes.
You know, in case any of you
want to, uh, come cheer us on,
Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
in a couple weeks.
A marathon?
But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
I'm not worried, Meg.
I'm just gonna give it all I've got,
like Scotty engineering the Enterprise.
(alarm blaring)
Scotty, we need more speed!
SCOTTY: I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
She can't take any more!
Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
Scotty to bridge.
Uh... Captain, this uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
I-I actually can give her more.
That's great, Scotty!
Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
SCOTTY:
Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
Uh, there's another lever here, too.
The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
I... (laughs)
I'm sorry.
I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
It's okay, Scotty.
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
I've just been thinking about
this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
I-I feel terrible.
I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
Scotty, it's okay.
No, it's not!
Eric's dead!
At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
"I was giving her
all she's got."
Scotty, it's fine.
Sulu, lock phasers...
Captain, I just got to jump in here.
W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
to run the phasers.
I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
Peter, I think we need to talk.
You totally screwed up my book.
You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
when I'm trying to inspire them.
I'm afraid you're off the project.
What?
You can't kick me off the project.
I'm David Chicago!
I'm the one who wrote the book.
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
who can do a squirrel voice.
(high-pitched voice): Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Sorry, Joe, but the publisher loves me.
The public loves me.
I'm not going anywhere.
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
You've ruined this for me.
I want nothing to do with the book,
and I want nothing to do with you!
Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
(toilet flushes, door opens)
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
Did you really take
his book away from him?
Did you just poop and then get into bed
without underwear on?
That book really meant a lot to Joe.
I think you should talk to him.
Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
And besides, he's the one who quit.
Now the publisher wants another
book and it's all on me!
I just hate to see you two in a fight.
And on the same week
when my sister and I
are having such a big fight, too.
Good night, Lois.
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
All right, now, who's got something?
I-I got... I got something.
What if the squirrel has lasers...
that he shoots out of his eyes!
Quagmire's on the board.
And how 'bout he got a frog friend
that's got some sort of catchphrase?
Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
"Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
Wow.
God just speaks right through
you, doesn't he, Cleveland?
I believe he does.
Okay, what else, what else?
If there's a bison...
Is that a statement or a question?
It is what it is.
Ain't nothing gotta be nothing, huh?
BRIAN: Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
(sighs)
What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
Hey, could you close the gate?
Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
Brian, you're all sinewy.
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
- Thanks.
- That's not a compliment.
You look terrible.
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
I got, like, eight more nipples
to cover up before my run.
You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
Oh, I'm not healthy?
Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
Besides, I got to keep training.
The marathon's in two days.
Brian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
Do you remember that phase
when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
Was someone wearing my new high heels?
You dick.
(dramatic music playing)
QUAGMIRE (over P.A. system):
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, hot moms who
are married but looking...
David Chicago!
(crowd cheering)
Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
(cheering)
"Chapter One.
"It was winter in the forest,
"so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
"But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
"was gonna hit him so fierce
"he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
"On top of that, some son of
a bitch killed his brother."
"The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand tore his head open.
"'His brains, his brains...
they're everywhere!'
the little girl yelled."
CLEVELAND: "'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
"The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
But then..."
"'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make, '
"said Randy the Raccoon.
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
"'That and a bag of crank
"is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
The end."
- You're awful.
- That was the worst.
We had trouble hearing you in the back.
I'm sorry, Peter, you're fired.
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
(sighs) What was I thinking?
Joe's the one with all the talent.
Me trying to write a book
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
Hey, you made it!
So you ready to watch me kick some ass?
Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
from a guy who eats bread.
ANNOUNCER:
Runners, take your marks!
(crowd cheering)
(screams) Oh, son of a bitch!
Ow, my leg!
Help me, somebody!
(grunting, groaning)
Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
Peter.
Look, Joe, I messed up.
All right? I just...
I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
The attention you deserved.
I know how much this meant to you,
and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry I mistreated you.
Okay?
You deserve better.
Peter, wait.
If I could not forgive, then I
would be truly handicapped.
What?
It's from the book, Peter.
What book?
I forgive you, Peter.
You do?
Yeah. The truth is, I never
would have had the confidence
to get my book published
in the first place.
And that's all I ever wanted.
Friends?
Frasier.
So, Bri, how's that ankle itch?
Well, what do you mean?
I'm just saying, you probably have
an itchy ankle under that cast.
It starts as a tickle and then
you can't quite reach it?
- Not gonna work, Stewie.
- Yes, you're right.
Best not to think about it.
Even though it might be a little bug
digging away down there, just
nagging and itching and...
Ah, ah, crap, I did it to myself!
Ah, what is that?
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
Yeah, me, too.
It just goes to show you,
Lois, books is bad news.
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
The Single Girls' Guide to Happy Hour.
Dogs Who Look Like Presidents.
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
I like where the USA is headed.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry