Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 18 - Take My Wife - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Okay, I call. What do you got?
Boom. Full house, jokers over instruction cards.
I do not enjoy playing with you.
Everything's so silly.
You guys, you'll never guess what.
Randy Jackson was just a big sea turtle
in human clothes, we heard.
No, we all just booked a vacation together
to a private resort in the Bahamas.
Well, that's a lot of my money,
but I used to have sex with you,
so that's the trade-off.
Look, it's not as expensive as it sounds.
We found a great group rate on a discount Web site.
Wow, the Bahamas.
I can't wait to get down there and dip my fingers in the water.
Yeah, it'll be awesome to nail a hotel masseuse
and then watch Nanny McPhee in the room.
So, when do we leave?
Oh. Sorry, Glenn.
The deal was for couples only.
I... I'm afraid you can't come.
All right, fine. Since you'll all be gone,
I'll just walk around my yard naked, pee anywhere I want.
I don't care.
I think it's great that Peter and Lois
are getting away together.
Yeah, I think Dad's actually kind of excited about it.
Yes, very. He even bought some sort of language tapes,
although I don't think he's using them properly.
MAN: I would like to hear the specials.
(speaks French)
I would like to hear the specials.
Where is the Eiffel Tower? (speaks French)
I would rather hear the specials.
(doorbell rings)
I'm sorry I'm late.
I shoved an employee at Wendy's and they called the cops.
You got to warn somebody before you hand him a square burger.
Thanks again for watching the kids while we're gone, Daddy.
Yeah, but how come Babs couldn't come?
Oh, she wanted to be here, but she got hired to be the stuffy
old woman who slowly comes around to it in a rap video.
I'm so glad the times are not changing.
♪ You a bitch and a ho and a ho and a bitch ♪
My garden party has been ruined.
But I'm beginning to tap my foot.
All right, I know most of you haven't traveled with me,
but get ready to see a lot of airport elevators
you didn't know existed.
Hey, guys. Say, Lois, I-I know you said this trip
was couples only, but great news.
We're now a couple.
Oh. Who's this?
This is Kimmie. I met her in a pop-up window
on the Internet. She was in my area.
Hi. Peter Griffin, all but separated.
Oh, right on.
All right, well, I suppose I could look into
adding you two to the reservation.
Yeah, you guys should definitely come.
Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.
Relax, Peter.
Geez, I haven't seen you this excited
since you got that letter sent by carrier owl.
Oh, my God. Is this my acceptance to Hogwarts?
No, it's a letter asking you
to stop throwing rocks at my nest.
You hit one of my kids, and now he can't fly right.
Well, fine, then I'll just throw rocks at the hornets.
He told me to do it.
And thus began the Thousand Year War
between the avians and the insects.
It was a brutal war, it was a bitter war.
And most importantly, it was a visually spectacular war.
Attack! (all shouting)
Charge! (all shouting)
Sorry, I'm being told this would be very expensive
to animate, so instead, here's some stock footage
of an old plane trying to take off.
They didn't have enough wings.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, this place is gorgeous.
Yeah, I can't wait to puke up a club sandwich in the pool.
Hello, couples. My name is Noel,
and welcome to Pleasant Surroundings.
Something about black people wearing all-white clothes--
it's very peaceful.
We have a special beach barbecue planned for you tonight,
but in the meantime, please enjoy all our amenities.
We will. Come on, girls, let's go wear big floppy sun hats
in the pool and then be mad when they get wet.
Yeah, I'm gonna hit the pool soon, myself.
Got to let the lifeguard know he better keep an eye on me.
I'm here a whole week, pal.
BRIAN: Ten. STEWIE: One.
Ten. One.
Five. Five.
Hey, I just made black coffee
in an old tin pan. Who wants some?
No one? What's wrong with you people?
Dick Fosbury won an Olympics on this.
Well, say, this is pretty neat.
I brought you kids an old seed packet I found in my garage.
I know what you got your fingers crossed for,
and yes, they're persimmons.
All right, that's it.
Damn it, I tried two things that all kids love:
coffee and old seed packets.
And all any of you can do is stare
at those Game Boy machines! I'm sick of it!
In fact, for the rest of the week, no more screens.
I'm locking those things up. Wait, you what?
Oh, come on, what the hell? Aw...
Aw, but what...?! That's right,
I'm gonna show you kids how to have fun the old-fashioned way,
like I did when I was a kid.
But I can't live without my laptop.
How else am I supposed to get my degree
from the University of Phoenix?
Credit card information.
And submit.
And I'm a lawyer.
We find the defendant guilty of murder.
Sorry.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Uh, Quagmire, I don't think you can go to dinner
in your swimsuit.
And what the hell happened to you?
Oh, Kimmie and I fell asleep on the beach.
Yeah, I think you better change.
Okay, we'll be down in a minute.
Welcome, everyone.
I hope you enjoyed your afternoon,
but now it's time to get to work.
On the rippin' and the tearin'?
Even better. We're going to work on your relationships.
After all, this isn't just a vacation,
it's a couples counseling retreat.
Oh, what the hell?!
Sorry, Peter.
We had to trick you guys or you wouldn't have come.
No. You can't make me.
I'll get hit with a coconut so I lose my memory of this.
Aah! I remember everything!
I was abused by my dad!
Lois, I can't believe you tricked us
into coming on a couples counseling retreat.
I do not like being lied to.
Me neither. I mean, wives conspiring
against their husbands. What's next, huh?
Freakin' Cheney back in the White House?
(exclaims) Hmm, that didn't link up.
Trust me, you won't regret this.
I'll see you all in the morning for our first session.
Sheesh, couples counseling?
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Wives, huh? He gets it.
Hey there, buckaroos!
Who's ready for some old-timey fun?
I thought we could go down to the old swimmin' hole
and swim in a hole.
Ugh. That sounds lame.
Who-whose hole is it?
I'm potentially in.
Grandpa, can I just have my video games back?
I want to play Call of Duty.
Oh, I've got the original Call of Duty right here.
It's called jacks.
Got one!
Will I get two? Come get in on this.
Wait, this-this game is cleaning up toys?
Carter, read the room. They're not into it.
All right, fair enough.
I just don't want you kids sitting
around here glued to your screens.
So let's get the blood pumping with my Jack LaLanne record.
(jaunty, light intro plays)
Bend to the left.
Bend to the right.
Get the big spring.
Stretch the big spring.
Stop to smoke.
Get a big towel.
Put it behind your neck.
Tuck it in your shirt.
Looks like boobs.
Put on a wig.
Dance with a man.
Don't tell your wife.
Take it to your grave.
(music stops)
Okay, good workout.
I got to go call somebody and hang up.
All right, our first counseling exercise will be
speaking to each other with "I feel" statements.
Lois, please begin.
(sighs) I feel unappreciated,
like you don't want to spend time with me.
Okay. I feel a numbness radiating down my left arm.
I feel like you should help out more around the house.
I feel like salty and sweet.
You got white chocolate French fries?
I feel like my cervix hurts.
I feel pride.
Okay, for our next exercise,
let's play The Oldlywed Game.
(chuckles) Relax, it's just a questionnaire.
(laughs)
Really?
Whatever, I like likin' things.
Peter, when is Lois's birthday?
Uh, let's see, when is Hitler's birthday?
April 20.
Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Well, she must like ground glass,
because I keep finding it in my food.
Cleveland... Pass.
Quagmire, what color are Kimmie's eyes?
Shaved. Sor-sorry, what-what is it?
What's the question?
Okay, last night I did some personality assessments
based on yesterday's session, and what I found
was none of you couples
are compatible with each other at all.
No, no, no, that's not a good thing.
But, interestingly, you have high compatibility
with other people in this group.
Oh, my God. That is crazy.
More mac and cheese. Here, just keep it going.
Keep it going... don't be afraid of the burned edges.
Just give me the tray.
Wait, so what happened?
Anyway, I'd like to do an exercise.
Just for the morning, you'll all be paired
with your more compatible match.
And hopefully, you'll bring some lessons back
from that experience into your marriages.
Okay, so the new couple pairings
are as follows: Cleveland and Lois...
Oh, cool! My FICO score just went up a hundred points.
...Quagmire and Bonnie,
Joe and Donna,
and Peter and Kimmie.
Yay! I win couples counseling!
(groans)
Look at those hairless shins.
They're magnificent.
Decades of black dress socks
have rendered them smooth and mirror-like.
Grandpa, what are we even doing out here?
Looking for shapes in the clouds.
That one looks like the Thompson Throat Lozenge girl!
See? She's got the boater on and everything!
I'm bored. Can't we do something else?
Well, back when I was your age,
there was nothing better than knocking on doors
and throwing paper bags full of flour at people.
That's a thing? What, flour facin'?
It's the best thing! We used it to keep Italians
from going to the polls.
Stay home today, Guido!
(laughter)
Yay! Old-fashioned things are the best!
(intro to "The Tide Is High" playing)
♪ Every girl wants you ♪
♪ To be her man ♪
♪ But I'll wait, my dear ♪
♪ Till it's my turn ♪
♪ I'm not the kind of girl ♪
♪ Who gives up just like that ♪
♪ Oh, no.. . ♪
♪ The tide is high ♪
♪ But I'm holding on ♪
♪ I'm gonna be your ♪
♪ Number one ♪
♪ Number ♪
♪ One ♪
♪ Number ♪
♪ One ♪
(fading): ♪ Num... ♪
So, this is the second vacation that I've watched
every Jurassic Park.
Peter, you're awesome. You're so funny.
Hey, Kimmie, I'll pay you a thousand dollars
for one whole handful of your butt.
For two handfuls, I'll give you my car.
All right, that's enough!
I have had it, Peter!
So, how are the new pairings working out?
Are you all gaining lots of insights?
No! I can see now
that coming here was a huge mistake!
You're hopeless, Peter!
Your feet look old.
This retreat is over!
Fire up the boat-- we're going home!
Mrs. Griffin, please,
I urge you to finish the program.
No, thank you.
I never should've come here.
Or at least not with him.
Is there anything I can do to change...
(gunfire)
(screaming)
Oh, my God!
We're taking this island back.
Yeah! Kill the whites! Race war!
(grunts
Run! Everybody run!
(gasps) What the hell is happening?!
Somebody do something!
Look! We got to get the attention of that plane!
You got to help us!
Man, those natives are pissed!
This is like a full-blown revolution!
Do you think me throwing full sodas into the garbage
had anything to do with this?
Quick! Into the jungle!
What are we gonna do?
Wait a minute-- yesterday, near the north beach,
I saw a small landing strip, giggity.
It might be our best chance to get off, giggity, the island.
Did you really see that, or was it just an excuse
to say "giggity"? I don't know, baby-- I'm crazy with the heat.
Take your pants off.
Oh, my God, this is legit ridic.
I got to post this.
(laughs) Josh Radnor's twitter feed is so funny!
That's impossible.
Geez, coming here was a bad idea.
Like when I brought museum behavior into my home.
(footsteps echoing)
(echoing footsteps approaching)
Excuse me, we do ask that you don't touch anything.
(imitating airplane engine)
I got to say, Carter, you've done a good job.
We'd become slaves to our electronics.
But you know what we're doing here?
We're reclaiming our lives.
You're kind of an egghead, aren't you, Brian?
Vroom! Everyone on this plane is wearing a suit.
Say, that reminds me.
Everyone, time to dress for dinner.
Ooh! I want to light the candles, Pop-Pop!
Oh, boy, I haven't had this much fun
since I played with that Bublé wrap.
MICHAEL BUBLÉ-STYLE SINGER (with each pop): ♪ I... just... ♪
♪ Haven't met you yet ♪
Oh, cool!
♪ Your mom thinks of me ♪
♪ When she's doing your dad ♪
What?
♪ Seriously, I drive older woman nuts ♪
♪ I can make your ♪
♪ Mom and aunt kiss... ♪
This is a very skeevy packing product.
Oh, my God, this is bad.
I know. If we die, what's gonna happen
to my mail? What?
I'm just sayin', how's the post office supposed to know?
And my DVR! It'll be full in a week!
I record Ellen every day!
I know I shouldn't, but whenever she dances,
I'm like, "Go ahead, girl, it's your world!"
I heard she gay.
Well, it seems like we're pretty talked out.
Thanks for changing your mind about drowning me in that river.
(phone rings)
Hey. Did you see those pictures of me
doing duck lips by a pool?
I don't know, some island.
Shh!
(rifles cocking)
You rebel scum!
(chuckles)
Ah, you're too young. You don't know.
So, how did you guys get captured?
Quagmire screams when he urinates.
How about you?
Cleveland kept stopping to scratch his back on trees.
Lois don't do it right.
Come here, baby.
You need them Lee Press-Ons.
Mmm. There it is.
Mmm.
Oh, Peter!
I was so worried about you.
Lois, when we got captured, I said, "You rebel scum,"
and Kimmie didn't get it. (laughs)
That's funny!
From The Star Wars!
Well, just Star Wars. But I missed you, sweetheart!
Why are you doing this? Let us go!
Every year we have to deal with you American tourists!
Stuffing your slob faces, taking video you'll never watch,
and asking if I'm the Captain Phillips guy.
I'm not!
Take the couples out, two by two,
and execute them.
Oh, my God!
Well, at least I ain't going out with a itchy back.
(two gunshots)
Oh, no! This is terrible!
Now, now, maybe they just shot Donna twice.
Bonnie, quick, lock my wheels!
We don't have to make it easy for 'em!
JOE: Scuffin' up those floors pretty good!
(two gunshots)
Boy, they're really going at Donna.
Any last words?
Moist.
(two gunshots)
Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry I lied to get you to come here.
I should've been honest with you.
Please forgive me? I do, Lois.
I know you were just trying to do something
good for our marriage.
And I'm sorry I've been such a jerk about it.
I need you, Lois.
I always will.
And if I got to get shot by ooga-booga people,
I want it to happen with you.
Oh, Peter.
(both grunt)
I love you so much, Lois.
I love you, too, Peter.
Lois, I think you should know,
I never cared for your most recent haircut.
Peter, I've had the same haircut for 20 years.
We're ready now.
(two gunshots)
Congratulations, Griffins-- you did it!
You've successfully completed the program.
What?! What?!
(whooping, cheering)
We just found out, too! The whole thing was staged.
Noel dying, the uprising, all of it.
Oh-ho, that's what they meant on their Web site:
"Staged Revolution Marital Counseling."
It all makes sense.
(happy shouts)
Yes, sorry to deceive you all,
but we find that when couples don't respond
to traditional counseling, the stress of extreme danger
reminds them of what matters most in their lives--
their love for each other.
I feel like I should be mad, but...
I guess you're right.
Lois and I have never felt closer.
And I did get to kill a guy. What?!
Thanks for everything, Noel.
(slurps)
Well, kids, it's Dyngus Day.
Here are your pussy willow branches.
Find your sweetie and give her a tap.
Looks like I found my sweetie.
Oh, sarsaparilla!
I was going to take sister!
Hey, you little rats.
All right, Lois, let's just leave our bags here
and wonder where our clothes are for the next two days.
How was your trip, Father?
We've prepared a song for you.
Nope.
Oh, boy, it's nice to be home.
Sure is, Lois. Now, shush. TV.
Television? How pathetic.
Yeah. You know where
the most interesting stuff is, Dad?
The human hat.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Police Chases...
No, thank you-- we are a screen-free family.
...That End in Fire.
(bleep) That's awesome!
(groans)
Nobody look at him, and maybe he'll just leave.
Good job, people.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH