Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 17 - Fighting Irish - full transcript

Peter prepares for a fight with Liam Neeson, while Lois becomes a class mom and pays more attention to the other children over Stewie.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 13x17 ♪
Fighting Irish
Original Air Date on May 3, 2015

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man



And that is why chest hair

is on its way... back.

Hey, guys.
I got something for you,

an invitation for each
of you to Quagfest.

Quagfest?
What's that?

"You and a guest
are cordially invited

"to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual conquest

"at Quagfest,
a three-day festival celebrating

the three F's:
food, fun, and..."

Oh, my.

Yeah, they almost wouldn't print
that at Kinko's.

Damn! 1,000 women?

Well, 1,000
sexual conquests.

No further questions.



Sounds like fun, Glenn!

Yeah, I'm closing down
the whole street.

It's gonna be
like a block party

but with way more weirdos
grinding up against your wives.

That sounds awesome!

There hasn't been that kind
of excitement on our street

since we had that big Dumpster
in our front yard.

Can someone take out
the garbage?

I will!

Yeah!

Yeah! Smash! Boom!

Someone stop him.

Last time, he threw out
our whole bedroom.

I'm still in here!

Oh, big Dumpster--
that-that reminds me,

Ice-T's wife is also coming
to Quagfest.

And in local news,

Hollywood comes to Quahog,
almost,

as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,

Liam Neeson has begun shooting
his latest film.

His new project is reportedly
an historical epic,

in which Mr. Neeson stars

as a vengeance-crazed
Albert Einstein.

Channel Five News
has this exclusive first look

that I taped off my VCR
from Entertainment Tonight.

All right,
I'll give you the formula.

My foot equals
your balls squared.

Pfft. Liam Neeson. What a fraud.

Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.

What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.

Knock it off.
We've had to hear

this same speech
a million times.

Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,

we have to hear all about
how you can beat up Liam Neeson.

That's not true.
Yes, it is.

What about that time we
snuck beers into the opera?

I could
totally beat up Liam Neeson.

Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,

she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?

I got something
she could do.

Get your tubes tied,
you kook!

Hey, how you doing
on that chocolate milk?

You need
a little freshen-up?

There's
my little sweetie.

Are you ready
to go home, Stewie?

Oh, Lois,
I'm glad you're here.

I noticed that you're one
of the moms who hasn't yet

signed up to be
a classroom volunteer.

Oh, I-I just assumed after
that incident in the parking lot

with that bitch in the Lexus,
you wouldn't want me to.

But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.

What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.

I don't bother you when you're
sitting on the washing machine,

screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.

Great! We'd love to have you
start tomorrow, if you're free.

Sure, let me just
check my schedule.

Hmm, I guess I could
just get the mail at night.

Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal
than I thought.

Oh, look, here's a simulation

of what it's like to have sex
with Quagmire.

Hi.

Bye!

All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?

These are all of Quagmire's
women organized by country.

There's Brazil.

There's Italy.

And there's Thailand. Wow.

Wow, they're young.
We should go.

I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.

Now, no celebration
of my 1,000th would be complete

without first meeting
number one.

Here she is, all the way from
Weathersfield Elementary School,

Miss Eleanor!

Do I still get
a piece of candy after?

Nice lady.

All right, we've met number one.

Now let's meet number 1,000!

Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is...

this largemouth bass!

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I'm weird.

I thought I was here
to watch normal intercourse

on a residential street.

Children, we're leaving!

Oh, this'll be so fun

volunteering in
your class, Stewie.

Eat my button,
you whore.

Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad you're here.

I got to run out
to the parking lot.

I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.

Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.

Oh, Landon,
what's the matter?

Aw, did you spill juice
on yourself, sweetheart?

"Sweetheart"? Slow your roll
there, Cougar Town.

Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what?

For today,
you can be my little helper.

What the hell?! If anyone should
be her helper, it should be me.

She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.

Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Well, Tonto, the bad guys
are going to jail.

Looks like this little town
is safe again.

Yes, Kemosabe.

So, uh, what do you say?

Want to grab a drink,
maybe dinner?

Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.

Well, I got to hand
it to you, Quagmire.

That Quagfest
was some party.

Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of Mirrors

by either one man
or 100 identical men.

Could've used a
heads-up on that one.

Yeah, I'll tell you who might
want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.

Oh, for God's sake!

'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.

Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!

I've had it!
Me, too.

I mean, we just had a
great day of fun and rides

and finger-sniffing,
and all you can talk about

is fighting some guy
you've never even met!

Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.

I'd knock his teeth
down his throat

and out his stupid
Irish fudge knot.

You know what?
You're full of it.

If you were ever face-to-face
with Liam Neeson,

you'd crap your pants.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, fine.
Let's prove it.

Put up or shut up.
Right now.

What? What are
you talking about?

Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.

That's right! He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!

We could be there
in three hours.

All right, great.

Liam Neeson has three more hours
to live.

Let's do this.

All right!
Yeah!

I've never been
to Connecticut!

Hang on, fellas.

I actually have been
to Connecticut one time.

To meet Loretta
at a McDonald's parking lot

to pick up my son,
Cleveland, Jr.

I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.

It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.

I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell again

to get the taste out
of my mouth? All right!

Yeah! Yeah!
I've been to Connecticut!

All right, Peter,
Liam Neeson must be

on the other side
of that barrier.

We just got to get you on that
set, so you can kick his ass.

We're so close, I can
almost taste his ass.

Can I help you?

Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson,

the guy who wears the same
long jacket in all his movies.

Sorry, this is
a closed set.

Peter, you're never gonna
get close enough to Liam Neeson

to throw a punch
at the guy.

That's why I got to lure
him out here to come to me.

Remember, Liam
Neeson's Irish.

That's why I'm dressing
up as the one woman

no Irishman can resist:
Mrs. Potato Head.

Ooh, Mrs. Potato Head here!

Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?

You're damn right, darlin'.

Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?

Shoo! Shoo! Get away!

Oh-ho, you're
a feisty potato.

The back is all
mashed potatoes now.

Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an Irishman

than setting up
a confession booth.

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It has been one day
since my last confession.

Go on, my son.

I killed
200 wolves.

After the movie,
I got the taste for it.

Did you kill them quickly?

No. Wolves
must be tortured.

The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,

wear his skin, kiss some of
the wolves, then kill them.

I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.

SweeTarts, Jolly
Ranchers, and the like.

Sometimes
a lighter.

I don't
even smoke.

Sometimes I roll up
those tattoo magazines,

stuff 'em
up my sleeve.

If I get caught, I just
tell the man I forgot.

Then, of course, it's
back to murdering wolves.

All right.
Uh, that'll be, uh...

three Hail Marys.

Tough but fair.

Thank you, Father.

Uh, hey, not so fast!

Excuse me, sir. We were sent
here by the production.

Are you the guy who's been
looking for Liam Neeson?

I am.
Do you mind if we ask what for?

Yeah, I was hopin'
to inflict violence upon him.

All right,
you're coming with us.

Don't worry, Peter!

We'll raise your bail money
as soon as we can!

Uh, excuse me, sir.

My phone's not working.

Do you mind if I follow
you home and use yours?

All right, kids,

Miss Tammy's in her car
yelling at her boyfriend

on the phone again, so it
looks like I'm doing lunch.

Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage you

with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler:

a whole, uncut grape.

God, look how fat
kids are getting.

Oh, Landon, no!

Uh-uh, you could
choke on that!

Did your mommy forget to
slice your grapes for you?

Here, let me help.

Ugh, there's nothing
to cut these with.

Oh, that's it, Landon!

If you're gonna
seduce my mother,

then I shall seduce yours.

I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.

Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,

and I've decided I don't want
to go into the family business.

I want to be
a doctor.

Hmm. Let's try that on
for size.

How much disease could
a woodchuck doctor cure

if a woodchuck doctor
could cure disease?

Is that sounding right to you?

No.

Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?

Next time, if you have an idea,

run it through the test
before you embarrass yourself.

Wake up, Griffin.

Your bail's been posted.

What time is it?

I did.

Oh, sorry. I thought you were
gonna ask something else.

Liam Neeson?!
You posted my bail?!

That's right. I hear
you've been all over town

saying you could kick my arse.

Well, there's no time
like the present.

Go ahead, take...
your best... shot.

Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Neeson,

you heard wrong.

There's nobody who
respects you more than I do.

May I offer you the most
sincere, honest apology I...?

Ha, ha!

Ow! Ah, damn it!

My hands are stinging
from the vibrations!

My turn.

Aah!

Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?

Will Stewie stop being jealous
of his mom or something?

Stay tuned for the thrilling
conclusion of this story,

and the just-regular conclusion
of the other story.

Oh, please don't hurt me!

I was just trying to seem
tough in front of my friends!

Well, you're in trouble
now, lad.

I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.

Please, please,
I'll do anything!

Anything you want,
just don't kill me!

What could you possibly
do for me?

I'll-I'll-I'll
shine your shoes,

or scrub your toilets!

Or coil your penis!

The Internet tells
me that's something

you might have
a need for.

Hmm... well, that could save me
some time in the morning.

Whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.

All right, it's a deal.

You can help me
with some chores.

But one slip-up,
and you'll be deader

than the first man to die
in the Battle of the Boyne.

Normally when we do those,
there's-there's, like, a joke.

I'm not your clown.

All right, Landon,
let's see how you like it

when someone moves in
on your territory.

Let's just say your mom's about
to see a diaper rashy scrotum.

Wow, I didn't know Landon
had a younger sister.

Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.

Oh my God,
this is gonna happen.

Okay, go run along
with your teacher.

Time for me to go.

W-Wait, wait,
don't leave!

Ow! My knee!

Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?

Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.

Okay, that's
more like it.

Oh, I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.

Yeah, get in there.

Damn it, she's
not watching.

You keep going, though.

Don't forget about the
underneath part of my knee.

Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.

Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,

but I don't want to go,

so I need you to report
in my name.

Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a kraken.

Would you have any problem
convicting a kraken?

Um, I would try to be fair,
but, uh, I am on record,

you know, very famously,
as having released a kraken.

Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.

Hey, man, thanks.

Yeah, good luck, man.

Okay, I have another
important job for you.

I want you to take
over my Twitter feed

and tweet back
to my fans.

See? Like that.

You get the gist of
what my Twitter is about.

Peter, I was
at an outdoor mall today,

and there was a kiosk selling
little remote control cars.

One of them drove
right up to me.

It was very funny and enjoyable,
so what I need you to do is

to go to a local gym and ask men
to pee in your hands.

I-I don't see the
connection there.

Do I need
to repeat myself?

The car came
right up to me.

It... it did spins
and had flashing lights.

I enjoyed it.

Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,

and ask strange men
to pee in your cupped hands.

Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?

Yeah, he loves
them little cars.

All right, guys, how are
we doing on Peter's bail money?

I got my whole family
praying on it.

Well, that's
very helpful.

How about you, Joe?

Oh, Bonnie won't let me
spend any more money on Peter

because he's not
very nice to me.

Hey, guys.
What the hell?!

You're out of jail!
How'd you get out?

With my smooth
talki... ta...

My... I used...
I... My... word...

My... I words...
I used words.

Wow. Glad you're back.

So, you ready to admit

you're never gonna kick
Liam Neeson's ass?

It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.

You what?!

If you beat up
Liam Neeson,

how come it wasn't
in the papers?

Oh, you know, he's a big star.

He had the whole thing
covered up.

Everybody knows Irish Catholics
control the media.

Oop, uh, oh, Chris
was shot at school.

If it's not
one thing, it's another.

You know what?
I-I've thought about it.

Do what you want
with Landon.

Just don't do it
in front of me, all right?

Oh, hi, Landon.

How are you today, cutie?

Aah! What did I
just tell you?!

I hate this! I hate you!

I hate everything!

Oh, Stewie, you're upset.

Are... are you jealous?

Yes! You've destroyed us!

Were you at least safe?

Oh, don't worry, sweetie.

You'll always be
my favorite little boy.

I will?

And besides, my week
as a helper mommy is done now,

so when you come home today,
you'll have me all to yourself.

Oh. Ok... Okay.

Hey, you-you hear that,
Landon?

That's how you keep
your bitch in line.

So, you know, Jar Jar
wasn't there the whole time.

It was just a
green screen.

Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.

Peter?

Quagmire? Cleveland?!

And me.
I'm here, too.

You're wh...?
What are you doing here?

Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.

We want to know
what's going on.

Well, h-how'd you
guys get on the set?

I bit the security guard
in the nards.

I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.

Who are these
two idiots?

Three.
Three idiots.

Big fan.

And what's up
with Liam Neeson?

You said
you kicked his ass.

Look, you guys, I...

I lied about that.

What?!

I acted like such a big man,

and I didn't want to admit
I was a coward.

I was too scared
to fight Liam Neeson.

That's why he's
my big fat houseboy now.

Now, Peter,
I'm out of crackers,

and I'm gluten-free,

so what I need you to
do is go to a local gym

and ask men to
pee in your hands.

What the hell?!

Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?

No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.

And there's something else
I got to tell you.

Your story thread
in Love, Actually

is the second worst.

You better take that back.

No way your son would learn the
drums in that amount of time.

Oh, that tears it!

Aah!

Hey, Peter, you're
up there, now?

Who's winning?

Aah!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to get a free
movie set haircut.

Damn it!

I was stupid to think I
could beat up Liam Neeson.

You guys must
think I'm pathetic.

Are you kidding?
You took on the star of Kinsey!

Yeah, and more
importantly,

you followed through
on your drunken ravings.

Wow. I guess
you're right.

Thanks, guys.

You know, I guess
the lesson here is,

Oskar Schindler
wasn't real.

And neither was
anything in that movie.

I-I-I don't think
that's the lesson.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man