Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 16 - Roasted Guy - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return to D.J. Butcher: Deejay Butcher.
♪ ♪
(shouting over music): Hey, bro!
Hey! You requesting a song or ordering some sliced meat?
Meat! Half a pound of turkey, please.
You want a sample?
You mean like a slice of turkey,
or like a short section of one musical recording
that's been digitally repurposed to be part of a new song?
I don't know.
I might quit this job.
God, late-night TV is all terrible.
Oh, we don't have to watch this.
We could turn to channel 875 and watch Conan.
Here, let me see what else is on.
(laughter, applause)
In honor of Sammy, on the bus ride over here,
we all sat in the back.
(laughter)
Lucille Ball was back there with us,
and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
Then Desi zipped up his fly.
(laughter)
(chuckles) Whose wedding is this?
It's hilarious.
Peter, it's not a wedding, it's an infomercial
for The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Wait, you mean Comedy Central didn't invent those?
No.
Well, what about funny news?
Did they invent that?
N-Not really.
But they invented comedy.
They didn't invent anything.
Well, they centralized it, that we know.
Man, look at these people.
They don't breathe.
They just drink and smoke and laugh.
I want to do that.
What are you talking about?
You want to have a roast?
Yeah! Look, he's the man of the hour.
Everybody loves him.
They got his picture in a circle.
How do they do that?
Pictures come in squares.
Hey, Cleveland, how tall are you?
I don't know.
Cadillac come up to about here on me.
All right, so I guess I am the tallest one of us.
What are you talking about? I'm six-two.
Says so right here on my driver's license.
Yeah, that-that doesn't count.
Why not?
You're gonna make me say it?
Lay me out on the floor.
I'm six-two.
Hey, you guys.
Peter, how tall am I?
I don't know, how tall is a mailbox?
You're about a mailbox.
But listen, I-I want you guys to roast me.
What, you mean like they do on TV?
That's right, I want to be the man of the hour.
And I want all my pals to give me a good ribbing.
Can we work blue, like Marlin Johnson?
♪ Oh-ee, oh-ee, hey-yo, ha. ♪
Oh, you know it, homey!
Huh, all right, that could be fun.
Great. And you fellas shouldn't pull any punches.
Just let me have it.
Nothing is off-limits.
Geez, Peter, you're more excited
than Adrian Peterson at an arboretum.
Daddy, what kind of tree is that?
Man, I want to beat you with so many things around here.
JOE: Ladies and gentlemen and people who have wandered in
from the Chinese wedding next door,
welcome to the roast of Peter Griffin,
with your roast master Glenn Quagmire.
(applause)
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat,
but I'd be about 15 years too late.
(laughter)
Ha! And we're off.
Well, what can I say about the man of the hour, Peter Griffin?
Oh, boy, here it comes.
Well, first off, Peter's always been special.
In high school, he didn't play sports,
but he did wear a helmet.
(laughter)
(chuckles)
All right, that's kind of funny.
Tough, but fair.
You know, Peter, I love your chin, but I got to ask.
What's it like going through life
with a scrotum so close to your mouth?
You know what, hold on.
I'll just ask your teenage daughter.
(laughter)
That... that's inappropriate.
You know, Peter's challenging the stereotype
of Irish guys being fat, drunk and stupid
by throwing "a little gay" in there, too.
(laughter)
Oh, nice, homophobia.
But I got to say, the worst part of being Peter's friend is
knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be
the fat-ass's pallbearer.
Lift with the legs, right fellas?
(laughter)
P-People think I'm fat?
But seriously, everyone, let's have a big round of applause
for the real hero tonight: Peter's chair.
(chuckles) How you holding up, buddy?
(laughter)
Two chair jokes in the same monologue.
Sloppy.
Peter's got a small penis,
but, hey, nothing grows in the shade.
This just in...
is what Peter had to say to his wife on their wedding night
so she knew it was actually happening.
Peter's so ugly, he couldn't get raped
in our holding cell down at the station.
For those of you who don't know,
we have a real serious problem with people getting raped
in our holding cell down at the station.
Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
QUAGMIRE: No! (boos)
Peter, you're loud, you can't hold down a job,
and you got high blood pressure.
You could be a black guy if your ding-a-ling wasn't so damn tiny.
LOIS: (laughs) How does everyone know?!
Peter moves his lips while he's reading,
'cause he's trying to eat the book.
Roasted!
You know, as Lois's father,
I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter.
LOIS: And so do I!
Damn it, Lois, you stepped on my punch line!
Shut up! You're drunk!
Stop serving her!
I asked Peter what he got on his S.A.T.s.
He said, "Mayonnaise."
Peter's so fat and stupid, Lamar Odom tried to bang him.
(laughter)
Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that we've had our fun,
it's time to give our man of the hour a chance to have his say.
Please put your hands together for Peter Griffin!
(applause)
Okay, yeah, I got something to say.
Screw all you guys!
I hope you all eat turds and die!
None of you bastards are my friends no more!
(cries)
Brian was the worst one.
Family, I have an announcement to make.
Peter, we're eating.
Just tell us what color it was and be done with it.
On account of my buddies all being nasty sons of bitches,
I've decided I'm gonna find new friends.
Oh, come on, you're overreacting.
The roast was your idea.
You asked them to make fun of you.
Yeah, but I thought they'd stick to material
about how I'm too handsome to work at a brewery,
or-or how I have tiny little baby sneezes.
(imitates baby sneeze)
I'm sure it was all meant in good fun.
Yeah, it was supposed to be fun, but it was humiliating.
I felt like a premature volcano.
I just think you're a really cool island,
and I'd like to get to know...
Oh, God!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry-- you're just so pretty.
Please, don't tell the other islands.
I've been thinking.
Maybe I got to find friends who can't make fun of my appearance
'cause they're weird-looking themselves.
Like those two bearded dwarves walking across the street there.
Hey, will you bearded dwarves be friends with me?
We, sir, are Italian children.
Good day.
Thanks for hanging out with me.
I never thought of my kids' principal as being a friend.
Well, "pal" is right there in the name, Peter.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Hey, it's cool you got the keys to the school,
and we can hang out when no one else is here.
What should we do?
Oh, I got a few ideas.
Wow, I've never drank so much milk in my life.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
What other ideas you got?
How about this second fridge of milk?
Uh, how much milk do you drink?
I just drink milk until somebody stops me.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not meant to find a new group of friends.
Well, Peter, you're always welcome to hang out with me.
Yeah, but I'm talking about the kind of friend
that doesn't bark at horses when I'm watching a movie.
Fine, fine, you want to get trampled in your living room?
Be my guest.
It's just... (sighs)
I don't know, I-I don't seem to fit in anywhere.
(sighs) All right, I'm gonna go get some more coffee
and maybe a gross microwaved sandwich.
Excuse me.
Can I please have another no-foam latte?
Uh, yeah, sure.
But, you know, I don't work here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You look just like one of the baristas.
He doesn't look that much like me.
WOMAN: I think she meant me.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
I could see that.
Hey, we should make out.
You got it, mister.
(chuckles) Double-foam, am I right?
(laughs)
You're funny.
Yeah. Oh, my God, you're so twisted.
I'm Jamie, and this is Becca and Karen.
You want to join us?
Sure. Great.
We were just debating if Jamie should hook up
with this guy she met a few nights ago.
Okay, I want the deets, like, yesterday.
Wh-What the hell? Did I just say that?
You sure did.
You're a natural at this.
Wh-What is "this"?
It's what we do!
(women whoop)
Wow, you know, I know I just met you guys,
but I've kind of been looking for a new group of friends.
D-Do you maybe have room for one more?
Are you good at talking about how busy you are?
Because that's a lot of what this is.
Ugh, yeah, but don't talk to me about anything
until I've had my morning coffee,
'cause it's like I can't even deal.
Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say
we'd love to have you in our group of girlfriends.
Oh, my God, that's awesome!
Hey, can I be the one
who laugh-screams really loud at restaurants?
As long as you're picking up the check.
(laugh-screams)
Oh, we're gonna ruin so many people's evenings!
Oh, boy, I'm blending right in with you gals.
Like a panda bear on a bed full of pillows.
I'm hiding from the zoo.
They want me to have a baby.
I don't want to have a baby!
Hey, isn't it funny that you guys came over
for a dinner party, and all we're doing is
standing in the kitchen, drinking wine?
All our toothbrushes were
in that one woman's glass this morning.
Girls, it is so nice to be part of a group again.
And I'm having the best time.
Especially yesterday when we all got mammograms.
If I have cancer, we're all going to Brazil.
So what's for dinner?
You said we were having Italian?
Yeah, and then I realized I'm not good
at making fettuccine Alfredo,
but I am good at making reservations.
(laughter)
Do you get it?
Oh, God, I'm so bad.
Stewie, it's time for your bath.
Oh, what's going on in here?
Oh, hey, Lois.
Hey, these are my new friends:
Jamie, Karen and Becca.
Karen's the one with the mommy blog,
so if you think you know her from somewhere, that's where.
Oh, nice to meet you all.
Would you like to join us for dinner?
Oh, no, I don't want to get in the way.
Besides, I got to get this little man in the tub.
Great. Now they're all picturing my wiener.
Oh, thank God.
For a second, I thought she was gonna come with us.
What?
Seriously, Peter, how do you live with her?
I know, that voice. Ugh.
And what is that hair color?
Creamy French Dressing?
(women laughing)
Oh, I love it. I love it.
(chuckles weakly)
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, if you think that's funny,
she once had a miscarriage outside a Petco.
I still have the security camera footage somewhere.
(women laughing)
Peter, I'm your conscience, Jiminy Cricket.
Ah! Bug!
Andrea, y-you set a place for Jiminy again.
Oh... so I did.
Why?!
Why did he have to go around telling strangers what to do?
Wasn't being a pediatric oncologist enough for him?!
(sobbing)
He hit on me at your wedding.
Ah, let's see, what else? What else? What else?
Oh, I-I got one. I got one.
Lois tried to give CPR to a kid at a wedding once,
and when she knelt down,
she accidentally high-heeled her own stink hole.
(women laughing)
Peter, your wife is such a pig.
Oh, I don't know about that, Jamie.
Pigs eat slop, Lois only cooks it.
(laughter)
What the hell?
Peter, can I speak with you for a second?
Oh, hang on, guys, I got to talk to my dog.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm just gabbing with the girls.
You know our cycles have lined up?
Mine's from wiping too hard.
You're saying horrible things about Lois.
Oh, yeah, it cracks up the ladies.
Yesterday, Karen laughed so hard
she popped a button on her jeans.
And then she cried.
Peter, Lois is your wife.
You should be defending her,
not talking trash and gossiping behind her back
like some kind of Midwestern teenager.
(Midwestern accent): Did you gals hear about Ally Gallagher?
She let Alan Ackerman smack her in the back
with his tallywhacker behind the snack shack.
What? Nobody here in Maryland
understands a single word you're saying.
You should move back to Minnesota.
I can't go back.
I Snapchatted Matt Gackerack
a Kodak of my ass crack.
Hey, Lois?
I did something bad I need to tell you about.
Peter, I know.
You used some of my magazines for your fake ransom notes.
It's okay.
No, no, no, no, that's not it.
But did you put the ice cream where the guy said?
Because he will hurt your family.
Look, the thing is, me and my new girlfriends,
we've kind of been talking trash about you
and laughing behind your back.
Peter, of course your new friends
have been talking crap about me.
That's what women do.
What?
So... you're not mad?
Well, I'm not thrilled, but I understand what it's like
to be friends with women.
I'm sure they talk trash about you behind your back.
They most certainly do not!
I guarantee you that as soon as you leave the room,
they tear you to shreds.
That's not true.
If it was, I would've figured it out.
Just like I figured out who was stealing my lunch at work.
(dramatic music playing)
Next time there's a sandwich in the fridge
with somebody's name on it, don't eat it, scumbag!
Please, you don't understand!
Oh, I understand.
That lunch didn't have your name on it,
but this bullet does.
My name is Peter, too...!
Ugh, have you guys seen the new Jessica Biel movie?
I-I don't get what men see in her.
Um, her dumper?
I just think she's really plain-looking.
She kind of annoys me.
You know who's really beautiful?
Joan Allen.
Yes! Uh, stunning.
Yeah, uh... I-I think, um...
Um, I'm maybe gonna go use the restroom
and let you guys talk about
whatever you're gonna talk about.
Huh, I guess Peter made it to the bathroom,
'cause I can't feel him walking anymore.
I know.
"Fee-fi-fo-fum!" Right?
(women laughing)
And what about those drugstore glasses?
These aren't drugstore glasses,
they came from a doctor Halloween costume.
(sighs)
Lois was right.
They are making fun of me behind my back.
They're like a nasty wolf pack.
Hey, man, just a heads-up:
instead of howling at the moon tonight,
we're all gonna yell "cock-a-doodle-doo!"
Really?
That seems weird.
I'm just trying to make sure you don't look silly.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
(laughter)
What an idiot!
He actually believed me!
That's what a rooster says, not a wolf!
(growling)
Hi, Daddy! How was howling at the moon?
(slurring): Shut up! Why aren't you asleep?
Why isn't he asleep?
Leave him alone!
Have you been drinking again, Phil?
That's none of your business!
I never wanted a cub!
Get out!
Get out now and don't ever come back!
Hey, buddy, want to get high?
Oh, my God. Phil?
Hey... Robert.
Wow.
Ah, hey, listen, man...
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
(laughter)
(sobbing)
"Cock-a-doodle-doo" is a passion project
I'd been mulling over for years,
and when Family Guy gave me the opportunity to shoot it,
I knew there was only one actor
who could portray Phil the Wolf: Glenn Quagmire.
Peter gave me a beer that tasted funny, and when I woke up,
I was wearing lipstick and a wolf suit.
Lois, you were right.
Those women were talking about me.
Oh, dear. What did they say?
I don't even remember, there was such a long cutaway,
but I know it was really mean.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Peter.
So what do I do now?
Confront them face-to-face and explain why I'm angry?
Of course not.
Being friends with women is way more complex than that.
You need to be more underhanded and vicious.
You and I will get revenge on those bitches lady-style.
Really?
We'll-we'll do it together?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Like when we watched Battlestar Galactica together.
Now, which Cylon is that?
Ah, I-I don't know.
I think it's Number Six.
Wait, i-is that the same Number Six
that had sex with Dr. Baltar?
I don't... I've been... I've been watching this
the same exact amount of time you have, Lois.
I don't know anything you don't.
Ooh, what does that green button on the far panel do?
How in God's name would I know that?!
I don't know!
It's green, so it probably makes something go.
PETER: Hello?
Peter, where are you?
I thought we were gonna go after Becca.
Way ahead of you, Lois. I just cut her brakes.
What?!
Don't you think that's a little dangerous?
Hey, you're the one who said we should try to ruin her marriage.
She bangs up her car, her husband's gonna be furious.
(horns honking, tires screeching)
What was that?
Oh, I-I just ran a red light.
My car won't slow down for some reason.
Anyway, this is gonna be awesome.
Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
Peter, are you sure you didn't cut your brakes?
That's ridiculous. Why would I cut my own...
Kids, get out of the way! I can't stop!
(kids screaming, horn honking)
All right, Peter, next is Jamie.
Now, what's the most important thing in her life?
Oh, that's easy.
Her daughter Emily is a competitive diver.
The whole family's dream
is that she gets a spot on the U.S. Olympic Team.
Okay, so get a lead pipe and bust this girl's kneecaps.
No, no, no, Lois.
That's not how we're gonna do this.
♪ Out on the streets ♪
♪ That's where we'll meet ♪
♪ You make the night ♪
♪ I always cross the line ♪
♪ Tightened our belts ♪
♪ Abused ourselves ♪
♪ Get in our way ♪
♪ We'll put you on your shelf ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ With love we'll find a way ♪
♪ Just give it time ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ What comes around goes around ♪
♪ I'll tell you why ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ ♪
(sobbing)
That's how we're gonna do this.
(elegant piano music playing)
(laughs)
Okay, next is Karen.
Now, she's been planning her daughter's wedding for a year.
If it doesn't go perfectly, she'll be crushed.
Already on it, Lois.
I bribed one of the busboys.
He has a little surprise planned for her.
(man screams)
GUEST: Oh, my God! Somebody stabbed the groom!
(guests screaming)
(sobbing)
Oh, no, it's not a perfect day.
(sobbing)
Well, we got those bitches good, huh, Peter?
Yeah, thanks, Lois.
And you were right.
Being friends with women is way too complicated
and way too intense for me.
Now let me just pay the busboy and we can get out of here.
Ah! I knew he didn't understand the plan!
Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Peter.
Look, I-I'm real sorry I got so worked up at my roast.
And if you're willing,
I'd like to be friends with you guys again.
Because men might punch you in the gut
and call you a fat idiot,
but at least they do it to your face and own it.
You were mad at us?
Yeah, we ain't spoke in a week.
I thought you were out of town.
People come, people go. I didn't give no mind.
So we're-we're friends again?
We were never not friends, you idiot.
I love you guys.
Guys are the best.
Not women.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH