Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 15 - Once Bitten - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
yet another Indiana Jones movie.

(hisses)



Snakes. Why did it
have to be snakes?

Elderly potheads.

Why did it have to be
elderly potheads?

Is everyone warm in here?
Is it warm?

Brian, are you
feeling all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. It
just seems kind of...

(retching loudly)

Oh, my God!

Oh, Lois,
your dog threw up.

Peter, Brian's clearly
not feeling well.

You got to take him
to the vet.

Unbelievable!
Brian throws up once,

and you rush him
to the vet.

I was throwing up
all night last night.



Good start.
Keep it up, snack pack.

(chuckles)

(retching loudly)

Peter, you got
to take him now!

L-Lois, it's probably
just something I ate.

I-I'm fine.
Really.

I-I got more energy than
a cruise ship conga line.

♪ Horny on a big boat ♪

♪ Horny
on a big boat! ♪

I'm very sick
from lobster.

Brian, your blood work
shows that your liver

isn't functioning
properly.

Would you happen
to be a drinker?

Well, I don't know
if I'd label myself a drinker.

I-I know I like a cold beer
after I mow the lawn. (chuckles)

There were three lies
in that sentence.

Brian, have you ever heard
of Lou Gehrig's disease?

(gasps) Oh, no!

Well, you have
Mickey Mantle's disease.

Now, the most obvious step would
simply be to stop drinking.

Or...?

Well, we do have these pills
that may correct

the enzyme imbalance
in your liver.
Yeah, that one.

Okay, I'll be
in the waiting room

barking at the fish
in the tank.

All right,
Mr. Griffin,

these pills will clear up
Brian's condition.

But unfortunately, they only
come in suppository form.

Uh...

It means they have
to be inserted

into the patient's anus.

(chuckles): Oh, you're a
dirty doctor, aren't you?

Mr. Griffin, I'm not joking--
or a doctor.

Now, you'll need
to administer these pills,

because no dog ever voluntarily
takes a suppository.

Well, one in ten does.

Oh, I know the one--
Brian's cousin Jasper.

His bum looks
like that guy

with a hundred cigarettes
in his mouth.

Hey, Chris, I noticed
you were sitting alone.

You mind if I join you?

Sure. We both
have hats.

Makes sense.
Oh, thanks.

Hey, can you check my back
for "kick me" signs?

Oh, yeah, you got
a couple. (chuckles)

This one says you're
a "dirty kick."

That doesn't say "kick,"
but thanks,

I'll keep that one
for my lawsuit.

Boys, I got a
new home gym.

Why are you telling us that?

Just letting
people know.

Don't want anyone to get freaked
out by the transformation.

I got to say, it
feels kind of weird

having someone
join me for lunch.

Well, it's
only natural, Chris.

You and I are
social exiles.

We're the Khaleesi and
Jorah Mormont of this school.

Sure, I'll agree to keep
the conversation going.

Well, time to break out
my terrible Jewish bag lunch.

Let's see.
Smoked whitefish,

herring in cream sauce,
smoked sable--

that's a different kind
of whitefish--

and for dessert, the only
bad cookie in the world.

Hey, what's it like
buying food from school?

It's good. I know
everyone back there,

so they let me drink
their corn water.

Boy, it's so great having
someone I can talk to.

I feel the same way, Chris.

I think you and I could
get along very nicely.

Yeah. We'll be a better team
than the Warsaw Globetrotters.

(to "Sweet Georgia Brown"):
♪ Dribble, dribble, dribble ♪

♪ Tuck in shirt ♪

♪ Give to my friend ♪

♪ Spin on finger ♪

♪ Two rotations ♪

♪ Dream about window ♪

♪ Put away basketball,
go to work ♪

♪ In calcium mine. ♪

All right, Brian,
it's time for you to take

one of these pills
from the vet.

Oh, yeah, right. Can we
do what we normally do,

where you roll it up
in a piece of cheese

like you're fooling me?
Yeah, I guess,

but then you're gonna
have cheese in your ass.

W-Wait, what?
Yeah, the doctor said

I got to give you
these pills the butt way.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not happening.

No, no, no. I do not
go the butt way.

Look, I know it sounds
a little rough,

but why don't we start with
a gentle massage of the area

and see how you feel?

Peter, get away from my ass!

(grunting)
Br-Brian! No!

Huh. Guess I'm just gonna
have to take him by surprise.

Shouldn't be too hard.

After all, I used to be
a pete-in-the-box.

("Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing)

(loud, gasping breaths)

Goes the weasel!

All right, if I'm gonna
give Brian his medicine,

I should probably watch
that old episode of Lassie

where Timmy has to give
her a suppository.

(barking)

What's that, Lassie?
You feel sick?

What's wrong, girl?

(barking)

A supposi-what?

What am I supposed
to do with it?

(barking)

Gosh. I...

Well, if you're
in that much pain, I-I guess.

Okay.

(barking)

You were lying?

You weren't
feeling sick?

I don't understand.

Why did you want me
to do this?

(barking)

What?!
He was in on it?

It was just a prank?

You guys are gross!

Kids, everybody, family meeting!

There's too much passing
gas in this house.

So from now on, anytime
you got to cut one,

you pull your pants
down and you do it

through this
fart hole.

Are you insane?

(whispering): Lois, it's
okay-- it's all a trick.

As soon as Brian does it, I'm
gonna be on the other side,

and I'll stick
the suppository in.

No. Absolutely not.

I am not living like this.

You think Morgan Fairchild
has a fart hole in her house?

Morgan, the coq
au vin is divine.

But so rich.

Will you excuse me?

Where do our
Hollywood farts go?

I've heard they're filtered
into Tom Sizemore's house.

(farting)

(sniffs)

(sighs):
Ah... Morgan.

Hey, no, no.
No, no, Brian.

No, no. You win.
You win. I quit.

It's your liver; you
do whatever you want.

Well, thank you.
Yes, it is my liver,

and I don't want
to take that pill.

Fine. We're both
in agreement.

So let's just
both watch TV.

And nothing else.
Sounds good to me.

I'm glad you think
it sounds good.

(sighs)

It's nice to watch TV

when you have nothing
else to do, isn't it?

Yeah.

Get over here, you idiot!
Peter! What the hell?

I'm still in charge of you!
I'm a human!
Stop it! Get away from me!

This is for your benefit,
so just go limp and take it!

You touch my ass,
I swear to God I'll kill you!

(grunting)

(screams)

(growls)

(screams)

Wha... What the hell?

You... you bit me!

You're damn right I did!
And I'll do it again

if you don't stay
the hell away from my ass!

But, Brian,
the vet said...
(growls)

(gasps)

Wow, where did that come from?

God, that was so intense.

I feel more powerful
than a lesbian's crotch.

Ooh, sorry, ma'am,
we don't valet motorcycles.

Heh. Don't need to.

Lois, can you pour
my juice?

I can't lift my arm.

I still can't believe
Brian bit you.

It just doesn't
seem like him.

Oh, yeah, 'cause you
know him so well.

Shut your face.

Oh. Uh... hey, Brian.

Get out of that chair.
Leave the eggs.

But this is
my breakfast.
(growls)

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

Honey, when did Peter Griffin
take up jogging?

I don't know, dear.
By the way,

we're the couple who lives
a few blocks away.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an '80s teen movie

at a realistic high school.

You're going down at
that karate tournament.

I don't think so.

You guys do karate?

You're both
(bleep) losers.

(gasps)
Uh, morning, sir.

So, Peter, I assume if
you're watching TV,

that means you already
did all my chores?

I-I sure did, sure did.

I scared off the mailman,
threatened Quagmire's cat,

and I even took
your bath for you.

Now I'm just gonna reach
for the shampoo.

No jumping out.

STEWIE:
(screams) He's got Rupert!

Hey, drop it.
Drop it.

(deep voice):
Drop it.

All right, I need you to
buy a birthday present

for my friend Jeff-- he likes
the Packers and surfing.

Enough is enough, Peter.

The dog's not in charge
of this house.

First thing tomorrow, I'm
taking Brian to obedience school

so we can get him
back under control.

You know, sending him to school
wouldn't be the worst idea.

He might even enjoy it.
I know I had a blast in college.

Man, I love college.
So many chicks, so many parties.

(chuckles):
Yeah, totally.

I'm supposed to meet
the R.A. for coffee

later in the common room,
but until then,

I'm just gonna walk around
with my shower caddy

and see what people wrote
on their whiteboards.

Uh, before I touch anything,
is this a nut-free counter?

I don't know-- my dad's might
have been on there this morning.

Oh, hey, Meg.

I saw you stomp that pigeon
today with your bare foot.

Pretty powerful stuff.

Thanks. I don't like losing
any part of my lunch.

Look, I'd love to stay and talk,
Neil, but I have homework,

and there was no toilet paper
in the girls' bathroom.

Well, while you freshen up,
maybe I could help you get

a head start
on that homework.

You'd do that?

Wow, that'd be great!

Wait, Neil, I thought you and I
were gonna go find unlocked cars

and pretend
we're driving them.

Sorry, Chris.
Booty calls.

What was that all about?

Well, I guess
I have to do it by myself.

Boy, this light
is taking forever!

Please get out.
I never drive this car.

My wife died in it.

Listen up, maggots,
you're in my house now!

There are no belly
scratches here!

There are no table scraps!

What we have here are good dogs!

No bandana wearing,
Frisbee catching hippie dogs!

No parking lot,
hind leg dancing YouTube dogs!

No crime solving, camera
mugging Scooby Dooby dogs!

Oh, no Scooby Doo, huh?

Ruh-roh.

Oh, it seems we got
us a comedy dog.

Are you Kathy Griffin?
'Cause I ain't laughing.

So maybe you are
Kathy Griffin.

Or maybe you're
that comedy dog

with Robert Smigel's
hand up your backside.

Well, let me tell you
something, comedy dog.

You're here for
me to poop on!

All right, first of all,
it seems like

you have a lot of opinions
about a lot of comedians.

And second of all... Ow!

That hurts!
That's right.

Silent and terrible,
like The Artist.

I watch a lot of
TV and movies.

I am your media-savvy
worst nightmare!

Now, down on all fours
like the rest of them!

That's right, we got ways
to break your spirit!

In fact, you seem like a
prime candidate for The Chair.

(classical music playing,
Brian grunting)

(vacuum whirring)

(grunting)

(screaming)

Honey, did you hear
a dog scream?

Yes, I did, dear.

Our summer cabin is near
the obedience school.

Move along.
Got to keep the hallway clear.

This isn't because
of my divorce.

Good for him.

He actually followed through.

What the hell? Again?

Thanks for doing
my book report, Neil.

And I didn't even have
to change the handwriting,

'cause you write
like a girl.

You should see me throw.

Listen, Meg, would you want
to go to a movie sometime?

You know what?

I'd like that. It's a date.

Okay, well, I'll, uh...
I'll see you later.

Home Ec just got out.

I'm gonna go lick
all their bowls.

Hey, Neil.
Oh, h-hey, Chris.

You sure are spending a lot
of time with my sister lately.

You know,
if I didn't know better,

I'd think
that fish are ghosts.

And I'd also think
you're putting the moves on Meg.

(sighs)

Listen, Chris, you're my
friend, so I have to confess.

My sitting with you
at lunch was part

of a carefully laid-out plan
to get close to your sister.

What?!
Look, I know it
sounds terrible.

But-but still, we've had
some good times together.

We even got Sean Penn
to dress up as my dad.

Go away! I never want
to talk to you again!

God, I should have known it.

I feel more betrayed

than when I thought
that lawyer was gonna propose.

So you did
commit the murder?

Uh-huh.

And you admit it here
in front of everyone?

Uh-huh.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Wait. No further questions?

Motion to have the last eight
years stricken from the record!

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Brian,
you're back!

Come on in.
In... inside?

Are-are...
are you sure?

Yeah, what-what...
yeah, what do you think,

I'm gonna make you
stay in the yard?

Get in here.

Sir, if it takes the rest of
my life, I will repay you.

Who's this puss?

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm-I'm not a cat.

I'm-I'm a dog.
I'm your pet.

And-and I'm just happy
to be here.

Brian, what did they do
to you at that school?

You're-you're
so... submissive.

Yes, looks like someone's
gone at him with a "hwhip."

That is... that is a perfectly
valid way of saying that.

Bravo, Master.
Master?

And a surprisingly quick
erection for Stewie.

There you go.

You-you look
very dapper, sir.

Thanks, Brian.

God, I love the new you.

That obedience school really
schooled you in obedience.

(gasps)

That's why it's
called that!

Permission to take fast,
tiny bites of my own tail, sir?

Granted.

You're wearing a bow tie?

What's the occasion?

No occasion, Lois.

I just want to piss
a couple of guys off.

What the hell are you doing?

You think you're
better than us?

No way you tied
that on your own.

I'm glad we got here early.

I like to watch
the previews.

Yeah, and also the friendly
warning about theater shootings.

(upbeat music plays)

♪ Don't get shot by a bullet ♪

♪ Don't get shot
by a bullet ♪

♪ Keep your wits about you ♪

♪ This place used to be fun! ♪

You know, this is nice.

It's actually the first time
I've been on a date

since I got the nickname
Gutterball.

It is nice.

Here, hold still.

Make a wish.

What did you wish for?

This.

You used me just so
you could date my sister!

Oh, my God! Chris?!

I'm so sorry!

Oh, what have I done?!

Aw, crap.

Okay, Dad, you got us in.

Now just go.

Cleveland,
what are you looking at?

I'm on edge.

Saw Halloween II
last night.

Brian, go outside.

Keep guard
for Michael Myers.

If he seem like he
dead, he ain't dead!

Boy, Peter, seems like

that obedience school
did wonders for Brian.

Ah, yeah, it's great.

He'll do anything
I tell him to now.

Maybe I should
send Bonnie.

(laughing)

Oh. Oh, my!

(laughing)

All right, somebody
say something else.

No. You need to know
what you did.

(slurring):
Hey, Brian, you know...

you know what we should do?

Let's you and me go pee
in Meg's bed.

That's-that's always fun.

Pee in her bed?

I-I... I could never do that.

That-that... that'd be
peeing in the house,

and that's-that's...
that's bad dog stuff.

That-that's not good dog stuff!

Wait. What?
What are you talking about?

Forgive me for speaking
out of turn, sir,

but you sent me to that
school to change me.

It was your turn,
wasn't it?

First, I went,
and you went?

We best get you
to bed, sir.

Oh, come on, Brian.
It's still early.

Let's just... let's go throw
potatoes at Cleveland's house.

You go ahead.

I've got to go make
the waffle fries

that you scream-requested
in the car.

Geez, what the hell
happened to him?

We used to be so close,
but now we seem so different.

Like a whale

and his developmentally-disabled
brother.

(crowd oohs)

Hi, guys!

Get in my mouth,
you hundreds of fish.

MAN (over radio): A record crowd
of 65 people turned out

for Free Jerky Stick Night.

Hey, that sounds
pretty good to me.

Traffic on 146 is backed up
all the way

to Mineral Spring Avenue...

What do you want, Neil?

And why are you
playing the news?

Oh, it's an old boom box.

I don't own any cassettes,

so I just have to play
whatever's on the radio.

Shouldn't you be out with Meg?

Look, Chris,
I-I'm sorry I lied to you,

but I'd still like
to be friends, and I hope...

I'm sorry.
I have to put the boom box down.

The D batteries
make it very heavy.

Neil! There you are!

What the hell
is your problem?!

I finally give
you a shot,

and you abandon me
in a movie theater?!

I'm sorry, Meg,

but my friendship with Chris
is more important.

You're a jerk, Neil!

So what do you say, Chris?

Can we hang out again?

Yeah. I'd like that, Neil.

Great. See you tomorrow.

(thumping)

This is 'cause I'm drunk!

CLEVELAND:
Move out, Irish trash!

Hey, Lois, you noticed
ever since Brian came back

from obedience school
that things have been weird?

What do you mean?

Well, he just lets me
order him around,

and he-he never wants to do
fun stuff together like before.

I mean, the thing I always
loved about Brian was

that he wasn't just a pet.

He was a friend.

And I miss that friend.

I think we just have to accept
that this is how he is now.

Don't forget,
he bit you, Peter.

I mean, what if he bit Stewie?

STEWIE: How about
you bite me, bitch?

Wait a minute. You're right!

He bit me!

I know what I got to do.

STEWIE: I'm sorry.
Was that too harsh?

It sounded more
playful in my head.

(quietly):
I'm sorry, Brian,

but I'm doing this in
the name of friendship.

(barking)

Ah, damn it!
What the hell, Peter?!

(gasping)
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I bit you!

I'm-I'm so sorry, sir!

No, no, no, it's
okay! It's okay!

Don't you see, Brian?

That's the
appropriate response

if anyone gets
near your anus.

Look, we were wrong
to try to change you.

I-I just want
the old you back.

You do?

But-but I was a bad dog.

I know, but that's what I
liked about you, you know?

You were fun, we got into
trouble together, we got...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I just rubbed
my eye with this finger.

Am I gonna be okay?
Am I gonna be okay?

Wait, how do
you get pinkeye?

Oh, God, this has
got to be it.

Peter, I want things back
the way they were, too.

That's what I want!

Look, I'm really sorry
I bit you.

Oh, forget all that.

I'm just happy
to have my best friend back.

I missed you, Brian.

I've missed you, too, Peter.

Welcome back, buddy.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

And now I'm gonna go upstairs
and pee in Meg's bed.

No.

We're gonna go pee
in Meg's bed.

Good boy.

Hey, what's up?

I didn't know we could do finger
stuff in the public rooms.