Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 12 - Stewie Is Enceinte - full transcript

Stewie impregnates himself with Brian's DNA to save their friendship, while Peter and the guys try to make a viral video.

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies and sex on
TV

# But where are those
good old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's a family guy #

ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to
Hard Knocks CFL:

Training Camp with the Toronto
Argonauts.



I hope you make it. You're real
good.

No way, not as good as you.
I hope you make it.

What're you gonna do with all your
money? Oh, probably just save it.

Yeah, that's real smart. Well,
back to my book.

Peter, I was at the park with Stewie,
and someone stole his tricycle.

And during, like, the one second

I was looking down at my phone
and not at him.

Stupid thief. It's got a vanity
plate that won't even apply to him.

Hey. You like your reggae watered
down and acceptable at
a wedding?

Hop on.

Ugh, can't believe somebody stole
Stewie's trike.

I only had nine payments left on
that thing.

How much do you make?

Don't worry, Lois, I'm gonna find
that tricycle.



I'll just have four to five beers to
stop the shaking,

and then I'll go outside.

Huh, never seen that kid around the
neighbourhood.

Maybe he's got something to do with
it.

Hey, kid. You know anything about a
tricycle that just got stolen from
the park?

No, sir, I've been sitting here for
the last three hours
selling lemonade.

Would you like an ice-cold glass?

Why, sure.

(GRUNTS) You couldn't have been here
for three hours on
this,

the hottest day of the year,

or the ice cubes in your pitcher
would have melted. Ow...

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say...

Peter, Peter! We can't arrest him.
If anything, they can arrest you.

Hey, here's the tricycle. You were
right, Peter. This kid's a
thief.

We did it!

Wow, look at us. Hey, you know,
we make a great team, guys.

Like Huey Lewis and the Jews.

# We don't need money

Sorry, the band's breaking up.

Here you go, Stewie.

Don't bother sniffing the seat.
It don't smell like nothing.

Oh, yeah, my trike. I'm kind
of over that thing.

Now I'm way into wooden beads
you move along wires.

Whoa. Oh, yeah.

Boy, when you find a baby's
tricycle, it feels like there's
nothing you can't do.

Man, I wish we could quit our jobs
and solve children's crimes
full-time.

I heard you guys are good at solving
cases.

I'll give you 50 cents to find
my lucky baseball card.

Guys, we're in business.

ALL: (CHEERING) All right!

Wait a minute, I didn't notice you
have a pierced ear.

We can't help you.

You go home and tell your mother
she's supposed to be a parent, not
a friend.

All right, guys, this'll be the
headquarters for our new detective
agency.

This milk crate will be my chair,
this overturned rain barrel will be
my desk,

and this DNA evidence centrifuge
and fingerprint scanner

will be my coat rack.

Piece of junk.

I guess all our detective agency
needs now is a name.

Well, we're detectives
solving children's crimes.

There's only one name that makes
sense.

"Dicks for Kids?"
"Dicks for Kids."

But wait, we want people
to know we're grown-ups.

Okay, "Big Dicks For Kids."

But we don't want to sound too old.

They're gonna think
we're a bunch of old, bald geezers.

"Big Hairy Dicks for Kids."

How are we gonna let
them know we're "veiny?"

So, you say this gumball
machine took your dime

and didn't give you a gumball?
That's right.

Well, I'll take care of that.

Hand over the dime, buddy.

(GLASS SHATTERING) Come on, hand it
over. Don't make this hard on
yourself. Wait a minute.

This gumball machine
takes quarters, not dimes.

Holy crap, it's a setup.
(SIREN WAILING)
Time to make a quick getaway.

(SIREN WAILING)

You were set up, too, huh?
Yeah.

You realize that kid is ploughing
both our wives right now.

So, what do we got today, boys?

Well, it seems like we got a bit of a
crime spree.

Just this morning, we've had multiple
reports of stolen items.

Couple marbles, ball of yarn,
two Wiffle ball bats.

Someday a rain'll come and wash all
this scum off the streets.

Guys, I think I got a lead on all
these thefts.

One of the kids had a nanny-cam
hidden in his room.

Come on, let's do it on your son's
tiny bed.

Hurry, he gets home at 3:00.

Okay, it's later than this.

Yeah, fast-forward ahead.

Forward. Forward. Keep forwarding.

Is that woman gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, she's fine. We're having
brunch after this.

God, I look huge in that bed, don't
I?

You think other guys hang out

and watch their friend's naked
gyrating butt?

It's been so long, I don't know what
other friends do.

Forwarding, forwarding,
forwarding...

And there we go. Our thief.

(GASPS) Chris Gaines was Garth
Brooks. I just figured that out.

Oh, my God, Chris stole all that
stuff.

No way, he wouldn't do that.

Peter, Chris is on the tape.
We got to search his bedroom.

Fine, go ahead. But I'm telling you,
it's gonna be a bigger waste of time

than writing tough-guy
dialogue for a Jet Li movie.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING, BONE CRACKING)

This is your last warning.
Give me back my wife.

What? Excuse me?

Give me back my wife,
or you're in a lot of trouble.

I'll kick all your faces. You got me?

You're kind of undoing everything
you just did when you kicked my ass.

I know, but I have to say for
audience.

Chris still has an Aaron Hernandez
poster up? That's not cool.

See, there's nothing here.

Just a weird life-sized lady doll
made out of all the stuff that got
stolen.

No! Don't hurt Heather.
Don't hurt my girlfriend.

What the hell?
Chris made a sex doll?

Your kid's got a walk-in closet? Two
of mine gotta sleep in the car.

Chris is still in his room with that
disgusting homemade sex doll.

He actually thinks it's his
girlfriend.

I know, it's weird.

It's even weirder than that secret
level in Donkey Kong.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY)

(DISTORTED BEEPING)

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)

Maybe it's our fault

Chris has such a screwed-up idea
about what a relationship is.

I mean, let's be honest, we're not
exactly the model of a healthy
marriage.

Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time
I pushed off of you after sex and
bruised your boob?

No, I mean, when was the last time
you bought me flowers,

or we had a date night?

We do stuff.

Just last week, I let you watch me
complain after eating too many hot
wings.

(GROANS) Why did you let me do this,
Lois? Why?

Okay, Peter, I got to take the kids
to school now.

Hey, Chris, your mother wanted me to
talk to you. Um...

She doesn't think it's healthy

for you to be spending all your
time with a homemade sex doll.

Sex doll? I wish.

Heather hasn't even let me get to
second base.

Hang on. What's second base?

Is that touching one of the
cabbages?

Yeah.

But I'm such a loser, she'll never
let me do that.

Come on, Chris, don't sell yourself
short.

You are every bit as good as that
bag of garbage.

You really think so? Sure, I do.

And look, if you really want to
learn how to bang that thing,

there's no better teacher than your
old dad.

After all, I'm the guy who taught
old Asian people

how to get on the subway.

(SCREAM APPROACHING)

Out of the way! Nobody else matters!

All right, you made it.

Now twirl that long hair sticking
out of your face mole.

And cough. Cough like you never
coughed before.

(COUGHING)

Okay, Chris, now, women really dig
those firemen calendars.

So, we're gonna go inside and get
some sexy shots of you doing fireman
stuff.

# Well, I'm hot blooded

# Check it and see

# I got a fever of 103

# Come on, baby
Do you do more than dance

# I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

# You don't have to read my mind #

Look, Heather.

The truth is, I don't care if we
never take it to the next level,
physically.

I just really like spending time
with you.

Oh! Wow.

I'm gonna have to write to somebody
about this.

"Dear Penthouse, I used to
think these letters were fake

"until my taped-together
soccer-ball-headed girlfriend fell in
my lap."

Hey, do we still have a magazine?

Good morning, everybody.

I think Heather will be eating
breakfast standing up this morning,

if you know what I mean.

Peter, I thought you were gonna take
care of this.

You were supposed to make Chris get
rid of that doll.

I did take care of it. He slept with
it,

and now he'll slowly grow to hate it
over the next 20 years.

This is all your fault. You never
listen to anything I say.

Look, you told me to talk to him.
I talked to him.

And now you're nagging me about it?

God, you're more annoying than a
creative voicemail message.

(DIALLING)

# Joe is on a vacation far away

# You called him up to talk it over

# So many things that you want to
say

# Leave your message when the beep
is over

# I don't want to miss your call
Tonight

(GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)

# I already missed your call
Tonight #

(BEEP)

I... I can't remember who I called.

Oh, Lois, thank God!

Listen, I can't decide what
I want for breakfast tomorrow.

Can you make me a sample tray?

You know what, Peter? I'm not talking
to you right now.

You screwed up bad with Chris.

And you still haven't apologized
for the way you treated me earlier.

Oh, come on, Lois. I'll make it up
to you.

Maybe sooner than you know.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, Peter! They're beautiful!
You're such a sweetheart.

Read the card.

"To Heather, from Chris?"

Oh, I thought it might have a funny
riddle on it.

Oh, good, the flowers came!

We're just cocooning today because
Heather said she's never seen TV.

So, we're starting with Season 6 of
Becker.

I'm just gonna be easing her in.

Lois, before you say anything,
I also got you a gift.

It's a Katherine Heigl mask for you
to wear while we have sex.

She's perfect, because she's only
sort of hot,

so there won't be this crazy
disconnect of her face on your body,

which would totally take me out of
it. Also, it's designed so you can
wear it on your butt.

Heather, I made your favourite
cookies. And now I want to hear all
about your day.

Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine Heigl
likes to French kiss.

Oh, my God!

Chris treats that pile of junk
better than Peter treats me!

What's the matter, Lois? Need to get
in the mood?

How about a little help from Kenny
G?

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)

I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want
his sax back.

Oh, hi, Chris. Where have you been?

Heather and I went for a tandem bike
ride. And then had lunch at a
gastropube.

Nope. Huh. Sounds like fun.

What have you guys been up to?

Your father got a DVD of black
people fighting in the street.

It's not just in the street.
Some of them are in private
residences.

Oh, well, tomorrow, Heather and I
are going to the park to picnic and
fly kites.

And on Saturday, she's hosting her
book club,

so I have to drop by, say something
funny, and then stay upstairs.

Wow, your plans sound very sweet and
romantic, Chris.

And how a man should treat his woman.

Oh, Lois, your breath smells like
eggs. Talk that way.

Chris, when you go on your picnic
tomorrow,

can your father and I come with you?

Let me just ask Heather.

I know, but I think we better.

Apparently the cancer's already in
his bones.

What?
We'd love to. Sounds great!

What are you doing? You can't let
him keep thinking that doll is real.

I know. But I just want Peter to see

what a thoughtful man looks like for
one afternoon.

Maybe he'll learn something.

Are you sure about this?
It seems pretty extreme.

Well, I got to try something.

Peter and I used to be so close.
But now we're like apples and
oranges.

People say we're different. But
we're really not that different.

Yeah, we both work in marketing.

We've both lost children.

We both own cars, but we like to
take the bus.

And we both cheat at Words With
Friends.

Oh, nice try! I certainly do not!

And we're both gonna have a moderate
time at the party tonight.

And we're not gonna count each
other's drinks.

We won't have to because we won't be
drinking.

Wow, it sure is fun going on a
picnic, isn't it, Peter?

Yeah. Will you hold this beer bottle
while I try to kick the top off it?

Ow! Damn it!

You moved it.

# Raindrops are falling on my head

# And just like the guy whose feet
Are too big for his bed

# Nothing seems to fit

# Those raindrops are falling on my
head

# They keep falling

# Because I'm free

# Nothing's worrying

# Me #

Close your eyes, Heather. I've got a
surprise for you.

None of your business how much it
was.

He bought her a scarf. And it
actually goes well with her colours.

Peter, don't you see what's going on
here?

Your son's relationship with that
doll is better than our own marriage!

Peter?

Hey, can me and Ramon go ride
shirtless bikes? (SIGHS)

(HINGES CREAKING)

(SCREAMS) My morning scream.

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMS)

Heather's gone!

Mom! Heather's disappeared!
Have you seen her?

No, I haven't, sweetheart.

But you know what?

Sometimes relationships run their
course and come to a natural end.

This could be a sign that it's time
to move on.

Aw, and I just helped him
pick out that scarf.

I miss her so much.

I know, honey. But if you give it a
little time, I'm sure you'll get over
her.

Just like you got over your Hamster
Dance Tourette Syndrome.

Excuse me, Mom, could you please
pass...

Dee dah dee dah dee deh doh doh
Dee dah dee dah doh

Doo doo doo doo doodle loodle doo
dah doo Doo dah doodle doo dah
doodle doh doh

His brain ain't right, but it's fun.

(SOBBING)

Hey, Chris.

I see you're sad. And also sitting
on the remote.

Why did Heather leave me?

I don't know,

but sometimes when life's got you
down, you got to stand up for a
second.

Like, just for a second.

I've never felt this sad!

Aw, looks like somebody could use a
hug.

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

There we go.

Oh, no, I hit input!

Oh, no! Oh, God! We may have to
throw away the television.

(BLUBBERING) What should I do, Dad?
I don't know.

Hey, where's that girlfriend of
yours? She seems cool.

(SOBS)

This day has Haagen-Dazs written all
over it.

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Boy, he's really upset.

I can't deal with anything until
I've had my after-nap coffee.

I don't think guys should have two
hands on a coffee mug ever. What?

Mmm. Oh, yummy.

Don't do that, either. Just don't do
anything.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Chris.

I see you turned your hat around
so you can really get in there.

Oh, what do you care? What does
anybody care?

Why don't you come with me? I've got
something to show you.

If it's the shot from Psycho where
you can see Anne Heche's bunghole,

I've already seen it.

No, Chris, it's something else. Come
on.

Heather? Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, Chris.
You...

You did this?

I did. I took your doll

because it's not a natural or healthy
thing for a boy your age to have.

It looks like you stabbed her.
Like, 50 times.

I was kind of jealous of it, so I
guess I went a little crazy.

Also, her lipstick is all smeared.

I was having a lot of strange
feelings!

Look, Chris, I'm sorry.

You can have Heather back. But I just
want you to know,

if you ever treat a real woman the
way you treat that doll,

you're gonna make her very happy.

Really?

Absolutely. And I know she'll make
you very happy, too.

You know...

I don't think I need Heather
anymore.

You don't?
No.

I'm glad to hear that, Chris.

Seems like maybe you're growing up.

Maybe.

I guess there's just one thing left
to do. What's that?

Give me that knife. I've got to cut
out the baby.

Oh, my God!

It's made of Skittles.

You want to eat the baby together on
the way home?

Yeah, I'd like that, Chris.

You know, Lois, I've been thinking
about what you said.

And I did learn a little something
from watching Chris and Heather.

You did?
Yeah.

From now on, I am gonna be treating
you like garbage.

Oh, Peter. Thank you.

I love you, Lois.

CHRIS: Mom? Dad? I want you to meet
my new girlfriend!

This is Mistress Vita. We met on
Craigslist.

No talking unless I say!

Hi, Peter.

How'd she know your name?

Peter, are you just trying to take a
knee until the end of the show?

Peter, that's not gonna work.
You can't just...

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