Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 2 - Vestigial Peter - full transcript

Peter has a vestigial twin growing of his neck, and he has surgery to remove it and have it become a separate entity.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Peter, come on,
get dressed.

We're late
for church.



I don't want to
go to church.

I always feel like that
priest has it in for me.

Body of Christ.

Butt of Christ.

Aah!
Lois, trade me. No.

You're not wearing that
to church, are you?

What? Yeah. Why not?

This is what
I always wear.

She's right, man.

It's Sunday. Get noticed.

I'll be in the car.

I'm getting tired of you wearing
the same thing every day.

Look, that shirt's got
a hole in it.

I'd like to point out that Jesus
wore the same thing every day.



And you didn't hear Alice
giving him a hard time about it.

Who?
Wasn't that her name?

Let's just get to church.

And afterward,
you're going to the mall

to go clothes shopping.

Well, you're
coming with me.

Last time I tried shopping
without you, it was a disaster.

Hey, I'm home.

I got groceries.
You what?

Yeah, I was driving past there,

and we were out
of some stuff, so I...

You listen to me,
you son of a bitch!

I've got one thing
in this lifetime!

One thing.

You always say I never
do anything around here.

Yeah, I like saying that more
than I like you doing things.

Dad, I got the rest
from the car. Where...?

Chris, run!
You were right!

She didn't appreciate it!

Oh, crap!

Ow!

That's right.

I do groceries.

All right, even though
we just walked in,

and this whole place is one
hallway, let's consult the map.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

I'll bet we can find you
some new clothes in here.

Hey, Lois, are you sure
this place is for men?

Yes, Peter, it's for everyone.

Really? 'Cause this-this
kind of looks like a dress.

Peter, it's fine.
Come on out.

Ha! You gaybo!

Hang on, Peter.

I'm gonna go look for a couple
things for me in here.

I'll be right back.

Okay, Lois, I'll
be right here,

standing uncomfortably close to
the unnecessary piano player

in the middle of the mall.

So, what's it like
now that you've made it?

Did you ever have
a bank account

full of pedestrians'
disinterested smiles?

You're amazing.

I'm gonna sit Indian-style
on top of your piano.

There aren't enough verses
in any song I could write

that would express how much
hatred I have in my heart.

You talk like a book.

Hey, Lois,
how about we try Sears?

They got good stuff.

Peter, nobody's been
in Sears for decades.

Oh, come on.
When I was a boy,

we always used to go
clothes shopping at Sears.

Trust me. They'll have
everything I need.

What the hell happened here?

Look out!

He wants to know
who you are.

We seek clothes
for the cold times.

He says he'll take you to
the clothes for herbs and meat.

Well, we can probably come up

with some herbs
and meat, right, Peter?

Peter?

I'm with them now.

No girls allowed.

See, Lois, now,
this is more like it.

What the hell?
Why won't this button?

It's the same size
I always get.

Maybe you put on a
few pounds, sweetie.

Lois, I weigh the same
293 pounds today

that I weighed
in grade school.

Perhaps it's this lump
on the side of your neck, sir.

Oh, my God, Peter!

How long have you
had that thing?

I-I don't know.

We got to go see
Dr. Hartman right away.

Oh, my God, what if
it's something serious?

It's all right,
it's all right.

We'll be in good hands
with Dr. Hartman.

He handled
my reassignment surgery.

I think, emotionally, I've
always been a lizard, you know?

And now, I feel
comfortable finally

in my leathery,
scaly skin.

Kids, if you need me,

I'll be on the wall making
rapid, darting glances.

Is this just to get out
of my parents' visit?

No.

Hello!

No, you'stupid!

Oh, hello, Griffins.

What can I help
you with today?

Dr. Hartman, Peter has a huge
lump growing on his neck.

Mrs. Griffin,
that's called a "head."

I've been fooled
by that one before.

Well, will you
take a look at it?

I think it might
be a tumor.

Okay, let's
have a look.

Oh, yes, it appears
that there is a...

Great rack, by the way.

Thank you.

Well, thank Grandma
Griffin, really.

It appears you have
a subcutaneous vestigial twin

growing on your neck.

What is that?

Well, it's
an incomplete twin

that never developed
into a fully-formed person

but still exists as a growth
feeding off your body.

Now, hold still.

I'm just gonna give you
a little topical anesthetic,

and we'll have
a closer look.

Hi, everybody!

Aah! What the
hell is that?!

Oh, my God!
It's a little me!

Well, it looks as if he's more
fully formed than we thought.

Wow, your wife
is gorgeous!

Is that a foot?

Almost!

This is awesome!

Finally, I'll have an
interesting silhouette

for the beginning of
my spoken-word jazz.

I left...

my poem...

at home.

MALE ANNOUNCER
We now return to Quantum Creep.

Al, what year is it?

1972.
Cool.

I'm gonna go show my penis
to some kids.

Hey, Dad. How'd it
go at the hospital?

Kids, remember
how when you were little,

you always wanted
a neck uncle?

No. Well,
now you got one!

What is that thing?!

This is my vestigial twin.

I named him Chip.

You know, like
"chip off the old neck."

I like to poke him
'cause it makes him happy,

and I feel it a little bit
in my nads.

Well, keep that freakish thing
under wraps.

I don't want it
cramping my style

while I'm macking on toddlers.

See you around, bitch.

You know, Lois, a lot of times
you go into someone's house,

and it's just a house,
but you can tell

this is a home
by all the love here.

Aw! Aw!
Aw! Aw!

Peter, this seems unnatural,
and, quite frankly, dangerous.

Hey, you must be the owner
of that Prius outside.

Thanks for saving
the world.

He gets it.

He gets what we Prius
owners are trying to do.

Wow, the world
is such a cool place.

There's so much
I want to do and see!

Oh, he's such a great
energy to have around.

Ah, Chip, I am gonna show you
all kinds of cool stuff.

My Hot Wheels, my lawn darts,
even my new musket.

Peter, what the
hell are you doing?

Lois, I thought
I heard a noise downstairs.

Go stall 'em for 20 minutes

and pray that it's not
too damp in here.

Man, how do you know
so many songs?

Oh, when you're trapped
under a layer of fat,

a muffled folk song
is like manna from Heaven.

Give me a C.

Michael, row
the boat ashore

Hallelujah

Michael, row the boat ashore

Hallelujah

Sister, help
to trim the sail.

Sister, help
to trim the sail

Hallelujah

Sister, help to trim...

Aah! Run!

No, Peter, gently stroke
his snout counterclockwise.

Wow, it's working.

There's a universal language
for all creatures,

and it's called love.

Now, how about
that River Jordan?

River Jordan
is deep and wide

Hallelujah

Join us, bear!

Milk and honey
on the other side

Hallelujah.

Good morning, boys.

What's in store
for today?

Well, I thought we'd start
with a vigorous power walk

around the neighborhood.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was thinking
we would just watch Dr. Oz

and eat cold cuts
off our stomach.

Those people ain't taking
good care of themselves.

What?! But there's so much
to do and experience!

Did you know

that the Quahog Museum
has an interactive display

on the history
of the garment district?

Oh, look, Chip, Chip,
slow down, all right?

You know, just because
everything's new to you

doesn't mean
you have to do it all at once.

Peter, where's your sense
of fun and adventure?

You're starting to sound
like a stick-in-the-mud.

Well, that stuff
sounds exhausting.

I'm just being honest,
like George Washington.

George, did you chop down
our cherry tree?

I cannot tell
a lie. Yes.

And what is this pamphlet
I found under your bed

called "The Boston He Party?"

Not mine.

Wow! Is there any
better time in the world

than 11:00 a.m.
on a Wednesday?

You already have two days
of hard work under your belt,

and there's so much
more work to come.

Look, I'm trying to get
this stuff done here.

Griffin, did you finish
those purchasing reports?

Oh, that voice!

It's like God sneezing!

What the hell is this?

They found a guy
on my neck.

Hello there.

I've never met a supervisor,
slash supermodel before.

Do you like crab?

There's a knockout crab place
right around the corner.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm using my knowledge
of the local food scene

to get this woman
to go to bed with me.

Well, now we know.

I can taste
what he eats.

What are we watching?
Oh, it's just a tennis match.

So this is tennis!

Wow!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

MAN
15-love.

That was just one point?!

Federer and Hastings are known
for their long rallies.

Federer to serve.

Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

Wow!

15 all.

And this is just
the first game

of the first round
of a three-week tournament?

Yay!

This is more painful
than sitting

through those
parent-teacher-cheetah meetings.

So, in short, your kids
are all doing great.

Keep reading to
them every night,

and I think we're gonna
have a great year.

So unless there
are any questions,

thank you all
for coming.

Uh, yeah, I noticed
the hot lunch menu

doesn't feature
any gazelle.

I'll bring that
up to the board.

Yeah. See, I-I heard
that last year,

and...
here we are again.

Listen, Doc, is
there any way

you can have this thing
on my neck removed?

Well, Mr. Griffin, your organs
and his are intertwined.

That would be a highly
dangerous procedure.

You could die.

On the other hand,
if you live,

I'll let you pick any prize
off that shelf.

Even the tiny
pinball machine?

Oh, that-that shouldn't
have been up there.

Look, Doc, you got to do
the procedure, all right?

I-I don't care
if I die.

I mean, maybe in
my next life,

I'll come back as an
air bag or something.

It's okay. It's okay.
Peter's got you.

Don't you worry.

Everything's gonna
be all right.

Is my wife okay?
No, the ski boots that was in the back

flew up and chopped
her head off.

You can turn your blinker
off now; it's very annoying.

Nurse, have somebody
fix that clock.

It's very distracting.

All right,
let's get this started.

All right, halfway done.

Time for a break.

I hate myself

For loving you

Can't break free

From the things
that you do...

Oh, God, I'm
so nervous.

Thank God Stewie's too
little to understand.

Look at him over there,
playing that board game.

Ah, three.

Okay, one, two...

Sorry!

Sorry! The board game
that teaches you to be a dick.

Dr. Hartman, is everything
all right with my dad?

Griffins, I'm
afraid we lost him.

What?!
Oh, my God!

Hey, guys.
Oh, there he is.

It worked!
I'm free at last!

But what about Chip?
Where's Chip?

Hey, everybody,
look who's walking!

Chip!

Oh, Chip,
I'm so glad you're okay.

Yeah, and I'm
okay, too.

So, uh, you know, Chip,
now that you're a free man,

this is a chance
for you to go out

and make a real life
for yourself someplace.

I'll tell you what,

anywhere you want to
go, I'll FedEx you.

What are you
talking about, Peter?

Chip is part of our family.

He's staying with us.
What?!

Yay! Yay!
Awesome!

Hey, hey, Dad?
Yeah, I'm done.

Can you pick me up?

Oh, that's okay;
I have a book.

Oh, hey, Peter.

Lois, where's the couch?

Chip redecorated the room
to improve the feng shui.

He said our old furniture was
blocking the flow of energy.

I had my life's
fart savings in that couch!

And where are the drapes?
Chip took them

to make play clothes for the children.
What?!

Oh, hey, Peter.
You're home.

Hi, Dad!
Hi, Daddy.

We dug a lake
for this!

Whoa!

Come out of that water at once!

Gosh, isn't Chip
wonderful?

No, he's not wonderful,
Lois; he's annoying.

I don't get why everyone's
so in love with that guy.

What's so great about him?
Well, to be honest,

the same thing that used to be
so great about you.

What? What are you
talking about?

Just that when
you were younger,

you were as passionate
and full of life as him.

Hey, boys,

catch me
if you can!

Oh, crap!
I didn't realize they had bikes!

What are they gonna do
when they catch me?

Oh, boy, I got a
back-of-the-head punch coming,

I just know it!

It seems today
that all you see

What the hell?
Is violence in movies

And sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

What the...? What the
hell is going on here?

You're singing our
song without me?

Oh, sorry, Peter,
we couldn't find you.

Do you want to sing
your part, Peter?

Go ahead.

But where are
the fashioned

Good fashion...

I don't want to!

I tell you,
Chip is making my life

a living hell,
you guys.

Remind me again, Chip is
that African kid you adopted?

No, that was Chocolate Chip.
We gave him back to Kenya.

But I can't take it anymore.
I got to get rid of him.

Well, what are you gonna do?
I don't know yet,

but I'll come up
with something.

After all, I'm the guy
who invented

"Choose Your Own Adventure
or Have Pie in Bed."

I picked the pie again.

Hey, welcome back to
the Mikey Tony Magnanimous H,

where real people get
magnanimous about real things.

This week's real thing...
hey, Native Americans,

if I saw you
on the street begging,

I'd throw a buck
in your moccasin.

Next week's magnanimous thing...

I'm wearing this yellow
bracelet. You're welcome.

Peter, what the
hell is that thing?

It's a dingo.
I named him Bingo.

If you can't have fun
with that, you're crazy.

Hey, Peter.

Wh-What's that?

Oh, he's gonna turn you
into a pile on Joe's lawn.

What?!
Here, let's play steak catch.

Oh, boy, I got it!

Hey, back to you, Peter!

Ah, cool! Steak catch!

I'm gonna use my one
steak-in-the-pants time-out.

Aah! No!
Not me! Not me!

Attack him! Aah!

Hey, um, it's 3:00 p.m.
Should I give up on breakfast?

Aah! Brian!

Browser history...
clear it!

Peter, that dingo was meant
to eat me, wasn't it?

Why would you do that?

Because my life was fine
before you showed up.

My family liked me,
and-and I didn't feel bad

about not ever doing new stuff.

Well, I never asked to
grow out of your neck.

My life was better
before I met you, too!

You're a terrible brother,
husband and father.

I'm out of here,
and you could go to hell!

Wow, what a nice day out!
Look! A rainbow!

I did it.

He's gone.

Just as easy as
the creation of techno music.

Wait a minute,
what key are we in?

No, no, no, no,
no, none of that.

Oh, hey, Peter.
Where's Chip?

I haven't seen him
all day.

He likes to yell out
"Good luck!"

after they read
each lottery number.

He's gone.
I threw him out.

You what?
No!

Peter, how could you?

Whoa, whoa, what are you all
coming down on me for?

Meg throws away people who come
out of her body all the time,

nobody says nothing.

Peter, Chip was
a part of our family.

And he's so little.

He can get hurt
out there on his own.

We got to go find him.

We should look for him
in the ball pit at McDonald's.

You can just leave me there;
I'll conduct the search.

Meg's right!
Come on, kids,

let's go find Chip
and bring him back!

You guys do whatever you want.
I got stuff to do, anyway.

I got to get ready
for my Bar Mitzvah.

Baruch atah Adonai

I want fancy things
like my friend Ephraim

I want the newest
ten-speed bicycle

That I will ride once, but
then I will call my parents

And have them come get me

I want to swim in the pool
but only with my shirt on

I want to lose
my virginity at 24

But tell everyone
I was 16...

Ah, crap, I'm out of beer.

Great. I have to walk
down these stairs

the one day I wore heels.

Son of a bitch!

I think I broke my leg!

There's no way I'm gonna make it
back up those stairs.

Nope.

Peter? It's me, Chip.

Listen, I... I'm sorry
for the mean things I said.

Help!
Peter?

Holy smokes!
Peter, are you okay?

These books was already
down here!

I'm not a nerd!

Oh, my God!

We got to get this leg set
and get you to the hospital!

Oh, cool. That's the place
with all the Ghostbusters cars!

If you had only done that
while you were here,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

Mr. Griffin,
you're a lucky man.

If it weren't for Chip here,
you might have lost your leg.

The bad news is,
we did an X-ray,

and your body is full
of a spooky skeleton man.

Gosh, Chip, I don't
know how to thank you.

No problem, Peter.

You would have done
the same thing for me.

You know, Chip, Lois
was right about you.

You are special.

You've got all the sense of
wonder that I somehow lost.

I got so used to watching TV

and looking for tiny
jean fibers in my nuts,

I forgot there's a whole
world out there to experience.

Thank you for
showing me that.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're a permanent
part of our family now.

Well, that sure is nice of you,
Peter, but...

there's a big old world
out there.

I want to go out
and experience it for myself.

Aw!
Why?

Well, I'm sorry to see you go,
but I understand.

Oh, we're gonna miss you, Chip.

I'm too tough to cry,
but I'm gonna miss you, too.

Safe travels, buddy,
and keep in touch.

I will!

Whee!

Good-bye, Chip!
Bye!

Come back soon, okay?

But Chip never did come back.

He became the new, young,
funny kid on ABC's The Middle.

Wow! This is just a whole
bunch of loud garbage!