Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 19 - Meg Stinks! - full transcript

Peter takes Meg to a college for an interview, but end up partying; Brian is forced to live outside after being sprayed by a skunk.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Welcome, all,
to James Woods High's

annual college fair,



where each year,
our seniors gather to decide

where they will go
in the fall to get HPV.

Wow, Meg, so many choices.

Yeah.
There's a state college

with an incredibly offensive
Native American mascot.

I'm Drunky!

The Dakota University mascot!

Look how drunk I am!

This is important for sports!

Oh, look,

you can go to Oral Roberts.

Oh, and there's Anal Roberts.

Oh, boy, that is a tough,
tough place to get into, Lois.

That is tough,
but once you're in there,



you'd be surprised
how much you like it.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

So glad you could make it.

You know, Meg has
attracted interest

from several colleges.

Meg going to college.

I always thought she was
gonna be one of those ladies

who wears a jean jacket
and hangs out at the bar

in a chain restaurant.

Hey. You know you can get
a slice of pineapple

on your burger here.

Hey, Jimmy, another water.

I call Miller Lite "water."

Jimmy knows me, he knows that.

Come on, hockey team!

This one's on me.

Merry Christmas, Meg.

You really think Meg
is college material,

Principal Shepherd?

Yeah, she's a solid B student

and that's quite
an accomplishment,

considering none of her teachers
are willing to sleep with her.

Sophomore year,
she was molested by the janitor.

Does that help?

Mr. Griffin,

I believe they're
called "custodians."

Anyway, I was able to get Meg
an interview this weekend

at Green Mountain College
in Vermont.

Green Mountain College?!

Oh, my God!
That's my first choice!

Can one of you guys
take me up there?

Meg, please excuse your mother
and I for a moment.

We need to work out
our schedules.

I'd be happy to take you, Meg.

We now return to

Extreme Makeover:
Bethenny Frankel Edition.

Move! That! Bus!

Put! That! Bus! Back!

Hey, can you guys
turn that down?

I'm trying to read.

Oh, shut up, Brian.

We were here first.

Yeah, Brian,
go read in your own room!

I don't have my own room.

Yes, you do.
You have that wicker basket

in the laundry room

with the frayed bath mat in it.

God, I can't get any
peace and quiet in this house.

Well, now you know how
I felt at Mardi Gras.

Hey! Keep it down!

I'm trying to get
some sleep up here!

Show us your boobs...!

My boobs?

Wait, I-I don't think I...

Oh, my! Jewelry!

Ah, I wonder what I'll get
for showing this.

The rules of this city
are very unclear.

This is actually very pleasant.

Hey. Who the hell
knocked over the garbage ca...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey. Hey. Hey.

I-I don't want
any trouble.

Well, you in the wrong place

if you ain't looking for
trouble, boy.

Nothin' but trouble out here.

Big ol' hoot-owl come down,
scoop you up, take your eye out.

All right.
Well, can you at least

clean this stuff up
when you're done?

It's... otherwise it's gonna
start to smell.

Oh... you don't like
smell, huh?

Well, sniff on this!

Yeah! You got that stink
all up on you, now!

Oh, my God!

What is that smell?!

It's like a burning tire dump

right in my nose!

Brian, why are you doing this?!

We're sorry...!

Ah! You bastard!

I can't see!
I'm blind!

Ah! What is that smell?

Oh, my God!

Brian got sprayed by a skunk!

No! Not against the wall.

You're gonna scare off
the cockroaches.

Oh, that's not good.

They were 70% of the structure
of this house.

Peter, please tell me this is
covered by our insurance.

Sorry, Lois,

it doesn't cover
acts of "dog."

Hey, guys,
I-I think the tomato juice

is really working. Don't you?

No. You smell like my
six-foot-tall German girlfriend.

Christopher, are you ready
to go to the Guttenschvartzen?

Hell, da!

She can swim across the pool
in two strokes.

Wh... I don't know
what else to do.

I do.

Until the smell wears off,
you're staying outside!

Outside? Lois,
I'm an inside dog!

I'm an inside dog!
I'm sorry, Brian,

but you stink.

I'll take smelling good

over walking good any day.

You don't
smell good, Joe.

I'm sorry,
I thought I was alone.

Morning, Brian.

Ew! You still
really stink.

Yeah, you smell like
the meatball sub

I left under the couch.

Damn it, I just gave away my
hiding place for meatball subs!

I-I'll tell you where there
definitely aren't any meatball subs...

the side pocket of my golf bag.

Geez, Peter, shut up!

Did you sleep okay
out here, Brian?

No! I was so cold.
And you have no idea

how many terrifying things
there are out here in the dark.

My nephew, Scrappy Brian, didn't
even make it through the night.

Hey, Uncle Brian, let's
go check out that noise.

I don't know, Scrappy Brian.

It might be better
just to stay put.

Aw, I'm not afraid!
Let me at 'em!

Let me at 'em!

Damn it! I told my sister
this wasn't a good weekend.

Hey, Bri. How's
it going out there?

Oh, boy, I need this cold air.

They got the heat
cranked up so high in here,

Lois is walking around
without a shirt.

Oh, come on, Stewie.

Hey, throw me a jacket
or something, huh?

Nope. You'll stink it up.

Also, since
you've been out there,

I've stopped sneezing,
so this might be permanent.

Well, at least throw me down
some food or something.

Well, I'm afraid
I finished my dinner.

All I have is a steak,
but that belongs to Rupert.

Can I have it? I don't know,
that's a question for Rupert.

You'll have to ask him.

Uh... hey, Rupe.

"Rupe"? Oh, no. No, no.

No, this is already over.

Come on, Stewie, I'm starving.

Good Lord, Brian,
get a hold of yourself.

You're in a suburban yard.

What kind of dog
can't live outside?

God, he's right.

I'm a disgrace to my species.

Like that gumball machine
traffic cop.

Oh, my God, O'Connor's
a disaster out there.

It's not his fault. He was
a great gumball machine...

they just shouldn't
have promoted him.

Oh, I think we're
getting close here.

Meg, what are you doing?

Just letting the wind
wave my hand.

Sometimes I like
to pretend that I'm flying.

Plus, it tickles.
That's stupid.

Hey-hey-hey...

The wind wants my
hand to go back,

but I'm not letting it.

I'm stronger than it.

Oh, my God, Dad,
you lost your hand!

That's all right.
I can regenerate.

My name is Retep,

and I am evil.

Come on, Brian,
you can find your own food.

Every animal finds its prey.

Love in an elevator...

Dude! Check it out!

All right, I can do this.

Holy crap, I'm so much faster
on all fours!

What's that big rock
doing there?

Now, go on, get out of here,
you little bastard.

I did it.
I caught a bird.

I caught a bird! Yes!

Fear me! Aah...!

Aah! I feel so alive!

I feel like a dude who
just touched his first vagina.

Hey. Pound it.

Cool baby.

Well, I called and confirmed

my interview
for tomorrow morning.

I ordered you nothing.

What else is new?

Hey, "Night Moves"!

At least there's one cool
person in this dump.

I wonder who played this. I did.

You played "Night Moves"?

How would you even know
what that song is?

From you. Dad,
I've been hearing that song

in the backseat of your car
since I was a little kid.

Huh. I never knew
you were listening.

Never even knew you were there.

Wait, were you that little
fat boy with the glasses?

Yes, Dad.
I know a lot about you.

You do? I know you're
afraid of guacamole.

It's the devil's vomit.

In the last election,
you voted for Mighty Mouse.

Time to put the might-mouse
in the White House, Meg.

And I know you love Augustus Gloop.

And you hate Mike Teavee. Oh,
don't even say his name.

And you know a lot
about me, right?

Out past the cornfields
where the woods got heavy

Out in
the backseat of my '60 Chevy

Working on mysteries

Without any clues...

Dad, sometimes I wonder
why you even had a family.

I don't know, it's just,
I was dating your mother,

I don't like the way condoms
feel, next thing you know,

I got a mortgage, a kid, and a
crappy job at a toy factory.

I thought you liked working
at the toy factory.

Hell no. I always wanted
to be a podiatrist.

Thanks to you, Dr. Griffin,
my bunion is healed

and I can walk without pain.

This isn't a joke. I once had
legitimate aspirations.

You never got
to pursue your dream.

No wonder you hate me.

I don't hate you, Meg.

You're my kid.

Who had the chicken parm?

Oh, that's my second entree.

But you know what?
You have it, Meg.

Thanks, Dad.

Boy, after all this food,

we're gonna have
a couple of "night moves"

back at the motel later,
huh, Dad?

Oh, absolutely. You know, that's
what this song's about, Meg.

It is?
Oh, yeah.

All of Bob Seger's songs are
about taking dumps at night.

Uh, "Night Moves,"
"Like a Rock,"

"Shakedown,"
"The Fire Down Below."

"Against the Wind" was him
poopin' out of a car.

Quick!

Someone give me my notebook!

Well, here we are.

Oh, my God, Meg,
there's a keg party!

Let's go. If we meet any
chicks, you're my daughter.

Yes!
Yeah! College!

Oh, God, I got to take a whiz.

Yeah, I got to whiz, too.

Sword fight!

Gonna get ya!

You got a funny little wiener,
but you're a nice guy, Meg.

This is great, Dad.
I know!

I'm having even more fun
than when I...

I mean, than when
we went Fiona Apple-picking.

Dad, they're all bruised
and filthy.

Yeah, these might be
throwin'- at-buses apples,

not eatin' apples.
See, Meg?

You can be in the flashback
'cause we're friends now.

Hey, Brian.

Hey, you don't even smell
like skunk anymore.

Why are you still out here?

There's nothing
inside for me anymore.

I've moved on.

There was a boo-ger
in that spit, wasn't there?

Stewie, leave me alone.

This is where I belong,

out here in the wild.

The wild?

You're standing
on the driveway.

Come on.
Hey, hey! Let go of me!

I can't believe it.
You've become a wild animal.

You're like that tiger
from Siegfried and Roy.

Um, I think we all know
the answer to this,

but should I get tested?

You guys are back!

Meg, how was your interview?

Ah, we didn't go.

I slept right through it.

What?!

Yeah, it was awesome.

We stayed up all night partying.

By the way,
if a girl named Rachel calls,

it's a wrong number,
but do tell me that she called.

Where's your wedding ring?

Yeah, so we missed the
interview, so that's a shame.

Meg, how could you
miss your interview?

That school was
your first choice.

I'll get it!

It doesn't matter, Mom.

Dad and I had a great time.

We went to a party!

We bonded for the first time
in our lives.

It was just Joe.

Meg, how could you blow
your chance

to go
to your first-choice college?

I can't believe
you would be so irresponsible.

Hey, Meg, you want to huck
some water balloons at nerds?

Sure!

What the hell?!

We'll work on the laugh,
but you'll get there.

To the Meg-copter!

Huh, look down there.

That looks like me
with a green shirt.

He's murdering a lady.

Dinner's getting cold.

I wonder where your father
and Meg are.

They left for the movies
five hours ago.

God, look at Lois picking food
from her teeth with her nail.

Someone should tell her
she's a pig.

Mom, you're a pig!

No, you're not supposed
to actually do it!

We were just talking here!

Oh, now she's crying.
That's not what I wanted.

Stop crying, you bitch!

I got to get
Brian back in the house.

It's just not the same
without him here.

It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger
without an accent.

It might be a tumor.

It's not a tumor.

Where are you two going now?

We're going two places:
none of yo and beeswax.

Clean slam! Come on, Meg!

Meg, I'm glad you're having
a good time with your father,

but don't let him distract you
from your priorities.

Remember, you still have
a chance to get into college.

Mom, we're just having fun.

I've never had a good
time with Dad before.

I'm just saying, it's not easy

dealing with
your father's craziness.

Believe me, this is no job

for the family's
designated schmendrick.

Trust me, Mom.
I know what I'm doing.

That's what your father said

before he took that walking tour
of Providence.

This is where a homeless
man ate the finger

of another homeless man.

This is where some teenagers
beat a gay guy to death.

This building used to be
Irish. Now it's Cambodian.

And this is where fake
tour guides throw rocks

and steal tourists' wallets.

Oh, yeah, I read
about this part on Yelp.

PETER
Meg.

Meg.

Come on.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Isn't this great, Meg?

Sorry I forgot
to get you an ostrich.

All right, Meg, you and me

are gonna get
something pierced together.

I'll get my ear done.
How about you?

Um, I guess my ears
would be okay.

Oh, come on, Meg,
you're my daughter.

Nothing but the best for you.

You're getting the works!

Here, I want everything you got.

Only the best
for my daughter Meg.

Ah, look at that.

You look like one of them
beautiful, troubled

Scandinavian youths I've
seen on the porn sites.

You like it? Mm-hmm.

Awesome. Come on,
let's go next door

and get your mom a funny
refrigerator magnet.

I got a piercing, too.

Hey, Lois, guess who made
15 baskets in a row

at the county fair.

Some kid we beat up.

Oh, what a great day!

Had enough yet?
Yes!

I don't know how you do it.

Everything he does
is exhausting.

Even something as simple
as going to the bank.

Meg, you've probably wondered
from time to time

how on earth I pay
for all my shenanigans.

Well, I'm gonna show you.

This is a robbery! Everybody
get on the ground!

If this bitch moves,
shoot him in the eye!

Dad, I don't want to do this!

You have to! Next week,
we're buying a zebra!

But, Dad...
There's no time to argue!

We got 150 seconds

before the police respond
to the silent alarm!

Now check those
bags for dye packs!

Who's the manager here?!

I-I am.

What are you doing?!

You said if he moves,
shoot him!

He's the only one with the
combination to the safe!

It's blown! It's blown!
This whole operation is blown!

I'll get the car.
Kill everyone else.

You've got to help me, Mom.

What do you want me to do?

Please, take him back.

I suppose I could, Meg.

But a part of growing up
is learning how to handle

a tough situation on your own,
like getting into college

or breaking up
with your father.

I guess,
but it's not gonna be easy.

Well, life's not
always easy, Meg.

Just ask an ugly Boy Scout.

Scoutmaster Davenport, you want
to share a tent with me tonight?

Oh, Billy, I like
you as a friend.

Brian, you got
to get in here, man.

I've been taking a break
from Lois's breast milk,

and her boobs are enormous.

They're like Jiffy Pop
just before the foil breaks.

You should come check 'em out
before they get infected.

Yeah, nice try, Stewie,
but I'm still not coming inside.

But, Brian, I need you inside.

I'm going crazy in here
without you.

Please, I need my friend back.

Look, Stewie,
I've learned something out here.

You see, living in the wild,
I-I've realized

that all the pain
I've ever had in my life

has-has come from me always
trying to be something I'm not.

I mean, I'm not a writer,
I'm not an artist,

I'm not an intellectual.

What I am... is a dog.

And as a dog,
my place is outside.

I'm sorry, Stewie,

but nothing will ever
make me come back inside.

Stewie, get the hell in here!

That dog sure changed
his mind quick.

Oh, Meg, there you are!

Hey, let's put on
fake eyelashes

and flirt with
people on the bus.

Dad, I'm sorry,
but I can't go with you.

Mmm, are you sure?

I called Green Mountain College.

They let me reschedule
my interview,

so I'm gonna drive
back up there.

It's time for me
to get serious about my life

and take some responsibility.

I don't like this Meg.

I like the fun Meg!

I thought we were friends.

Dad, I don't need you
to be my friend.

I need you to be my father.

Well, that is too much
to ask, Meg.

It's hard being a father.

This is why that woman in Texas
drowned all her kids.

I hate the passage of time!

My little girl's growing up!

Yes, she is, Dad.

Yes, she is.

I did get into
Green Mountain College,

and contracted HPV
my first night there.

I got nicknamed the Warthog,

and, like the HPV,
it stuck for life.