Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 18 - Baby Got Black - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Tonight, the conclusion
of our three-part report



on bestiality at the aquarium.

But first, our top story:

A local boy dies
after playing video games

for 51 hours straight.

He was playing Halo;
now he has a halo.

Just kidding. He was gay.

Look at that.
Big deal.

Stayed awake
for 51 hours.

That's nothing.

Yeah, I've flown
back-to-back Australia trips

that were longer
than that.

I never sleep.

Something's
been beeping

in our bedroom
for three years.



Bonnie won't
look for it,

and I can't
find it.

Hey, I got a fun idea.

Let's bet on it.

100 bucks says
I can stay awake

longer than both of you.

Yeah!
Let's do this!

You in, Peter?

Oh, hell yeah,
I'm in!

You guys don't
know nothing

about staying
up late.

I used to pull
all-nighters

when I worked
for that lesbian

carpet-cleaning
company.

Lesbians have regular carpets,
too, you pervs.

When you're done with that,

can you help me plug
the hole in this dike?

I'm kind of
a Jack-of-all-trades.

Hey, help me
fix this gash.

Somebody's been having
scissor fights on this thing.

All right, let's get
some ground rules down.

No closing your eyes and
pretending you're thinking.

Peter. Peter!

I was thinking!

Hi, boys.

I baked a fresh
batch of cookies

for your
slumber party.

Hey!

It's not a slumber
party, Lois!

Yeah, get out
of here!

Just leave the cookies
and go.

Okay.

You boys
have fun.

We will. Just go!

Geez.

Ah, I'm already bored.

What should we do?

Hey, let's prank-call
Cleveland.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah!

Yeah, yeah,
great idea.

Brown house.

Uh, Cleveland?
It's Loretta.

What?

But... but
you're dead.

No... no, I...
I faked my death

to get the IRS
off my back.

Oh, my God.

Does that mean
I have to give back

the insurance money?

Who's there
with you, Loretta?

It's us,
you idiot!

She's still
dead.

Oh, you guys
are more meaner

than The Jerky Boys.

Ah, that was awesome.

Hey, who else
has a dead wife?

Mort.
Uh, I got this one.

Uh, hello?

Uh... shalom.

Muriel?

You guys are gonna lose.

It's been 62 hours.

Joe, you're about to drop.

And, Peter, you've been
hallucinating all night.

Yeah, whatever, Quagmire.
I got to go to the bathroom.

Where's your toilet?

Right here, Peter.

Better cover the seat.
Oh, J/K, I'm not fancy.

Aah, leave me alone.

We are all one.

Pizza. Pizza.

Peter. Peter.

Damn it, Joe. What are you
staring at? Pull him off me.

Oh!

Oh, my God, Joe,
when did you start running?

And jumping? And sky-dancing?

He ain't sky-dancing;
he fell asleep.

That means
it's just you and me.

Yeah, and tiny
Sharon Stone from Casino.

You son of a bitch.

I will go to the FBI.
I will go to the police.

Quagmire, help.

I-I don't...
I don't see her.

I-I-I didn't...
I didn't see the movie.

Peter, wake up.

I need to know if I can delete
your iCarlys from the DVR.

What? Aw, damn it.

Wait, I didn't
fall asleep first, did I?

Oh, wha... Wait,
what-what-what happened?

W-Wait, wait...
Were you asleep?

Did I win? I won.

Guys, we were
all so tired.

There's no way
to prove

which one of you
fell asleep first.

Oh, yes, there is, Joe.

I got cameras
in every room of this house.

There's a naked lady squatting
over a cake in your kitchen.

She'll wait.
She-she knows to wait.

Well, it looks
like Peter won.

And it looks like I went
48 hours without an e-mail,

text message
or voice mail.

All right, I won 200 bucks.

And there's a little bit
of blood in my ear.

Well, a bet's a bet.

Yeah, congratulations,
Peter.

What are you gonna do
with your winnings?

Joe, never ask me
about money. It's rude.

We're gonna go out to eat.

This is a great
place, Peter.

You can tell
by the laminated

high school football
schedule on the wall.

I'm gonna go see which lobster
I think deserves to die.

Hey, Chris.

Oh, hi, Pam.

I thought you gave a great
book report at school today.

Well, thanks. All the credit
goes to Slash's biography.

What a maniac.

Well, all I know is

you looked cute
while you gave it.

Hey, Chris. I didn't know
you knew my daughter.

Sure, I do.
We're in the same gossip group

in the cafeteria at lunch.

Pick a little, talk a little,
pick a little, talk a little

Cheep, cheep, cheep, talk
a lot, pick a little more.

Come on, Pam, we got to go
before they see the tip.

40%?

I would've left more, but
he messed up our order.

I'm sorry, I got to go.

I like bumping into
you outside of school.

You should move into our house.

You're funny, Chris.

Hey, uh, maybe we could...
hang out again sometime.

You know, if you want.

I'd like that.

Ooh!

See you at school, Chris.

Hey, Chris. These...

on her nipples.

Kill that one.

The Hallmark Channel
is proud to present

Hallmark Greeting Cards
Explained.

So, there's a penguin
on the front and it says,

"I hear you're 40."

And when you're 40,
your eyes start to go.

And then y-you open the card.

And then "happy birthday"
is all blurry,

because whoever opens the card
is 40 and you want to

give them the impression that
their eyes are starting to go.

Hey, guys, there's someone
I want you to meet.

Pam, this
is my family.

Family, this
is my girlfriend, Pam.

You know, Chris, Usher
categorizes his girls

into two groups:
bitches he's with

and bitches he's gonna get with.

So is this one you got
or one you gon' get?

Wait. Jerome's daughter
is your girlfriend?

Chris, can I speak to you
for a moment privately?

I voted
for Obama once.

Dad, if this is about Pam...

Yes, it is about Pam.

And I have
something to say.

Chris, she's...
she's not fat.

What?

I-I figured the day you
came home with a girl,

we'd have to back her
through the garage.

A little further,
little further.

Little further...
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Okay, all right.
Now, do you prefer

"Fatty" or
"Miss Boom-Bi-Latty?"

So, you don't mind
that Pam is... black?

Chris, it's 1998.

Actually, Dad...
Peter Griffin does not see color.

Now, let's go see if
your mom's done listing

all the black people she's
ever seen on television.

Flip Wilson, John Amos,
Diahann Carroll,

that monster
that plays tennis.

So, I saw Chris is dating
Jerome's daughter.

Looks like they've had
some pretty hot dates.

Don't, uh...
don't look at my kids

when they're off doing
their private lives.

Hey, there's my new
brother-in-law brother, now.

Griffin, you and me
have to talk.

What's up, blood?

Nobody's dating nobody.
You understand?

Oh, don't worry, Jerome.

I already gave
Chris the sex talk.

It's... awesome.

Peter, you don't understand.

I don't want Pam
dating a white boy.

What? Jerome.

You're a racist.

Black people
can't be racist.

We can be way sexist,
but we ain't racist.

Sure, black people
can be racist.

They gave Michelle Pfeiffer
such a hard time.

She didn't pick that school;
they sent her there.

Coolio had her back.

Look, I think if you
got to know us better,

you wouldn't have
any problem

with your daughter
dating one of us.

I'll date her.

Look, why don't you and Pam
come over tomorrow night,

a-and you'll see
that white people

are even better
than black people.

Peter. Y-Y-You
know what I mean.

They-they're equal.
Separate but equal.

Peter.
Just equal.

All right, we'll
come to dinner.

But I want you to know
I'm very skeptical

about this whole thing.

Oh, that's okay.
Hey, listen,

I was skeptical about
traveling to Mexico.

I took one step
outside the resort.

Thanks for having us to
dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

Oh, my pleasure, Pam.

Yes. I, for one, say
this is long overdue.

It's about time people of color
broke bread at this table.

Broke bread? W-What?

Who are you, St. Francis
of Assisi all of a sudden?

Jerome, you have done
a wonderful job raising Pam

to be a lovely
young woman.

You say that like
you're surprised.

I-I beg your pardon?

Sounds like you're saying
a single black man

can't raise a child
on his own.

Yes, Lois, what
are you saying?

You know, before I speak,
I like to ask myself,

"Would Dr. King approve
of what I'm about to say?"

Most of the time,
I find that he would.

Dad, I think Mrs. Griffin was
just giving you a compliment.

Yeah, I was just trying to say

we all appreciate having you
in our home.

Oh, so suddenly
we're all friends?

Wait, w-we've always
been friends.

If we're friends,
what's my last name?

Cool J?

Where am I from?

The south part
of a large city?

Where'd I go to college?

Does it air commercials
during daytime judge programs?

Peter, you only got two of
those three things right.

Look, I know what
this is about.

You're being all nice
just so your son can get

into my daughter's pants.

Dad, stop it.

White guys don't want a
relationship with black women...

they just want a notch
on their belt.

You're a novelty
to these people.

"These people"?

This is the moment in the meal
when I stand up!

W-Wait a minute, "a novelty"?

We used to date
before I met Peter.

S-So what are white women
to black men?

A very pleasant page
in our memory books.

Aw.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
You banged my wife.

She did? Huh.

No wonder I had
so much room in there.

Her womb was like one
of those places

where they reconstruct
crashed airplanes.

Look, Jerome, I-I know
you think we're all terrible,

but white people have done a lot
of good things for the world.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, I'll tell you!
Listen up.

We gave you Eminem

And Justin Bieber, too

Even though they dress
and try to talk like you

The music of Taylor Swift

And clothing from J.Crew

And Jon Heder

Also half
of Derek Jeter

Add to that a fleet
of soccer moms

Packed into
their yoga tights

And so for all this awesome,
neat, wonderful stuff

You know,
you don't thank the Lord

You thank the whites

Thank the whites

You know,
you don't thank the Lord

You thank the whites

We gave you Breaking Bad

And all the songs
by Creed

All the cast
of Friend

And trash like Tara Reid

A virtual world of porn
so you can spill your seed

Ray-Ban glasses

Leggy blondes
with tiny asses

Frisbee sports
and fancy coffee, too

Energy-efficient lights

And so for all this awesome,
neat, wonderful stuff

You know, you don't
thank the Lord

You thank the whites

Thank the whites,
thank the whites

You know,
you don't thank the Lord

You thank the whites.

You know what?
That song only made me

hate white people
even more.

What about
eight more verses?

Let's go, Pam.
We're leaving.

But, Dad,
Chris treats me really well.

He gave me
this diamond necklace.

That's my diamond necklace!

Cool it. I'm trying to get laid.

Look, this ain't
happening, Pam.

Straight up.
You ain't swervin' with him,

you ain't gonna shump-a-jump,
you're not hollerin' at him,

you ain't his shorty
or his boo.

Oh, my God, Lois, I think
he just summoned Candyman.

You're a fool.

I was hoping
they'd be darker.

God, I miss Pam
so much.

I don't think
I can live without her.

It's okay, Chris.
Hey, here's someone your type.

Whoo-wee, Chris! You're cute!

Stewie, that's
Log Cabin.

Uh, h-he gets the joke.

I'm sorry, Chris.
Jerome just doesn't think

his daughter should date
a white guy.

Black racism
is the biggest problem

facing this country today.

You know, I should go
over there and fight for Pam.

Absolutely you should.

You should always fight
for what you believe in.

Like Patrick Henry.

Give me liberty
or give me death.

Oh, that was easy.

I know, right?

Ryan wanted to give him liberty.

You do the paperwork, Ryan.

And now the HBO
original series, Boys.

Hey, sorry I slept
with that girl you liked.

Eh, it's cool.

Did you walk around naked
after you had sex?

What? No. No one
wants to see that.

Isn't this time in our lives
so interesting?

No.

Griffin! Where the hell
is my daughter?

She left me a note saying
she ran off with Chris.

Oh, my God, Chris?

That dirtbag hangs
around my daughter, too!

I don't have time
for your nonsense.

I got to find
my daughter.

Look, let me help you!
I'm great at finding stuff.

Last night, I found
Lois's G-spot.

No, he didn't!
I didn't know she was home.

I was able to please her
in other ways, though.

No!
Okay, let's just go.

My dad's such a jerk.

I'm glad we ran away.
Yeah.

So... what do people do
in motels?

They get naked.

Okay, but all I know about sex
is from Internet porn,

so I'm very excited
to try buffering.

Then I'll leave you alone

to get undressed and
under the covers,

and I'll be right back.

Hey, I'm trying to sleep
and urinate here.

Do you mind using
the other bed?

Sorry.

I was the cousin in Vacation.

Yeah, I know who you are.

How do I look?

Oh, God. Are we at that part
of the relationship?

You look fine!

Pam, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I am not
an experienced lover.

Don't worry. It's my
first time, too.

Wow, I guess everybody
has a first time.

Even Maverick from Top Gun.

Thank you, pretty lady!

So, all those other black
drivers that you're nodding at,

do you know them?

Ah, man.

Look, relax. We'll just
tell him the truth.

We're cruising
around town

looking for a sexually active
14-year-old boy.

You have any idea how
fast you were going?

I was going the speed limit,
Officer.

He was.

Are you here against
your will, sir?

If you're asking if I'd rather
be at the zoo, then yes.

Maybe you step
out of the car

and we see if you've
been drinking.

I'm too fat to be
in the car by myself.

The police pull me over for
made-up violations all the time.

You don't know what it's like
to be treated like a criminal.

What's it like?
Bad.

Whoa.

I've never broken a law
in my life, Peter.

I'm a 42-year-old man,

I own a business,
I pay my taxes,

and yet I got to deal
with this crap

every time
I step outside my house.

Makes me so damn angry, I don't
know what to do with myself.

Well, you should be like me.

Whenever I get angry,
I go do some Footloose dancing.

You can never, never, never,
ever, never, never

Never, ever hide your heart

Don't ever, ever

Ever, ever try

I'm also thinking
about ice creams.

Don't give...

Peter, you seem
like a nice guy.

I don't mind having
you in my bar, man,

but it's different when
it's your baby girl.

I guess.
I just have boys.

Forgive me for being
a protective father,

but white people have exploited
and mistreated blacks

for centuries, and I'm not gonna
let that happen to Pam.

Wow, we've driven 55 miles
with the gas light on.

Hold it right there!

Dad! Jerome!

How did you find us?!

We didn't.
You just told us.

You okay, honey?

Dad, I'm fine.

Don't worry.
Nothing happened.

I tucked it between my legs
as a joke and then it got stuck.

Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but we
got to respect Jerome's wishes.

Now that I understand
what he's been through,

I realize he's a good
man who has reason

to be a little
suspicious of Whitey.

Thank you
for understanding, Peter.

Jerome is right. White is
white, black is black...

got to keep the races
completely separate.

That... wasn't
exactly my point.

Chris, from now on,
I don't want you

talking to any
black people.

How the hell am I supposed
to get through airport security?

We'll figure it out.

It's the least we
can do for Jerome.

Isn't that
right, Jerome?

Is that the lesson
you want me to learn, Dad?

No, baby.

You know, Peter,
maybe I did overreact.

Just 'cause I've experienced
some hard times

doesn't mean this generation
can't teach us a thing or two.

All right,

if these kids want to date,

then I guess
that's okay with me.

It takes a man
with a crazy big hog

to admit when
he's wrong.

Thanks, Peter.

Hey, Jerome,
you want to help me kill Randy Quaid? Who?