Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 17 - The Most Interesting Man in the World - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

You shower
with your dog every day.

Do you and your dog use
the same soap?



If so, one of you
is damaging your hair.

Really?

Dial Cross Species
is specially formulated

for both humans and dogs.

You'll like
that it gets you clean.

He'll like
that it smells like beef.

That sounds great!

Jim, are you showering
with the dog again?

What the hell?!

All right, Peter,
I'm leaving.

Bonnie invited me to
the shooting range.

What?

Yeah, Bonnie says
she goes every week.

I think next time
you should bring someone else.



Now, you'll be watching Stewie,
and I don't want you just

to prop him up next
to the TV all day.

Take him to
the park.

I want him to get
some fresh air.

Fresh air is bad
for a kid, Lois.

Look at Michael J. Fox.

What?
I don't know.

Peter, you are taking
Stewie to the park.

It'll do you good to spend
some time with your son.

I spend lots of time
with him, Lois.

Just last week,
I took him to the doctor.

Mr. Griffin, you're here
to get your prostate examined?

Yeah, this is me.

Is that your
little one there?

Oh, no, it's-it's just
the way I'm sitting.

Ah, nothing like a day
at the park,

surrounded by overcompensating
divorced dads.

Wow! Look how high
you're going!

What an amazing day this is!

Is Mommy spending
$2,500 a month on you?

Because that's what
I'm sending Mommy!

Oh, my God,
it's only been five minutes,

and I'm already bored
out of my mind.

Damn, I wish I could go
to the Clam.

Aah! Well, I guess
I see those guys all the time.

A clown?!
Eh, well, I guess

what's the big deal, huh?
It's just one.

Oh, I was quite sure it was just
one from the size of the car!

Hello?

Peter, where the hell are you?

You got to get down
to the Clam, man.

There's, like,
60 clowns in here.

Ugh, I can't.
I got to watch Stewie.

Peter, they threw what I thought
was a bucket of water on me,

but it turns out,
it was just a bunch of confetti!

Oh, man, I got
to get over there!

Okay, okay. It's okay
as long as I can still see him.

Okay, Stewie, there you are.

There you are, safe and sound.

Daddy can still see you.

Okay, Daddy
can still see you.

Daddy can still see you.

Daddy can still see you.

That was a wink, but you don't
know it 'cause it's just a eye.

MAN
We now return to Superman.

Lois, what's wrong?

Clark, we all have
breast cancer!

The doctor says it's as if
our breasts have been X-rayed

five hours a day, every day,
for the last three years!

Oh, my God,
that's terrible.

First, every woman I've ever
known, and now you guys.

Ah!

Boy, it was smart
to wait out that thunderstorm.

Aah, it's Lois!

Oh, my God! Stewie!

Oh, uh, hey, Lois.

H-Hey, it's hard to hear you

over the sound
of joyful children in the park.

Are you and Stewie
having a good time?

Uh, uh, yeah.

Okay, well, let me talk to him.

I want to tell him
Mommy's on her way home.

She wants to talk to Stewie.
What do I do?!

Here, give me the phone.
I do a great Stewie.

Hey, Lois,
it's me, the baby.

Hi, Stewie. I'm on my way home.

Mommy misses you.

All right, cool.

Bring some beef
jerky maybe.

I just bought
you ten minutes.

Stewie?

Oh, there's my boy.

Hey, what happened
to my new friend,

that kid who sort of
looks like me from behind?

Wait. Where's the fat man?

Well, I guess this is it.

I'm gonna die here.

I'll never get to grow old

and become an across-the-country
grandparent.

What is this?

It's a Skype.

A Snyke?
No, a Skype.

Snype?

No, it's a Skype...
from your grandson.

Stephen?

Yes! He's right there
trying to say hi to you.

What movie is this?

It's not a movie.

It's your grandson!

My grandson is in the pictures?

You did this yesterday!

Don't holler at me!

I don't understand anything!

I'm very frightened!

Wait a minute.

Stewie, what happened
to your head?

Oh, you're not Stewie.

I got to get you back
to the park and find...

All right, kid,
your name is Stewie, all right?

I'm your new dad.

My name is Peter,
and I work at the brewer...

NASA. I work at NASA.

Uh, hey, Lois.

You look fat.
You should go for a run. Peter!

I'm gonna go give my
baby a kiss good night.

Uh, Lois, I had an affair, and
I think we should talk about it!

Peter, jamming yourself into
a grapefruit is not an affair.

See? There's a human baby
in there.

Asleep in Stewie's overalls.

Peter, please get
out of my way!

Aah!

Aah!
Aah!

Great. We woke up the doorbell.

I think there was
a mix-up at the park.

My little Stewie!

Oh, Jacob!

Wh-Where's your little hat?

He didn't have a hat.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I just got
home myself.

I left my husband in charge,

which was obviously
a terrible mistake.

Thank you so much.

I took a bath
with the dad.

Mmm. Oh, my baby's
back home.

Mommy missed you.

Congratulations, Lois.

You passed the test.

You really do
love Stewie.

Now, what do you
say we all sit down

and watch this Weird Al
Yankovic documentary?

It's called
An Inconvenient Tooth.

What's wrong
with you, Peter?!

Lois, I'm sorry.

How the hell
can you possibly

mistake another baby
for Stewie?!

Now, calm down, Lois.

You're gonna say
something you don't mean.

Oh, no, I'm not!
You're an idiot!

You don't mean that.

I already got a Facebook
friend request from the dad.

Is that weird?

Peter, I have put up
with your nonsense for 20 years,

but today
you crossed a line.

You left a helpless baby
in a public park.

And that's something
only an idiot would do!

I'm not an idiot.

Hey, I think
there was a mix-up at the park.

MAN We now return
to The Karate Kid,

with realistic human feelings.

You're all
right, LaRusso!

You just tried
to cripple me!

I hate to sound like every
woman ever, but I'm depressed.

Don't engage.
Don't engage.

Why?
Damn it!

Lois called me an idiot.
So?

So, I don't tell her all the
bad things about herself.

Like how the mole on her back

is changing shape and
size really quickly.

Being dumb isn't
the worst thing, Peter.

At least you're not
two foreign guys

talking too loud
in the next booth.

Much sorry, friend!

Man, there are
no womens here.

We've got to make like '70s
rock man Garrett and leave.

You said it, Belgard.

Looks like you and me
will have to make hands

on each other tonight.

Aah, gross!

I was just
playing joke at you!

Ah, good one! You
should be comedy writer.

Too late, friend.

I already have
comedy development at CBS.

Oh, nice!

CBS knows real situations

I want to see
for 100 episodes!

Thanks. My hysterical
multi-camera show is called

Wizard Robot and His
Less Successful Friend.

Oh, man, you know
what America wants.

All right, fine, so
I'm a dumb, hot guy.

All right? There's
worse things to be.

Okay, we're only gonna
tackle one thing today.

Peter, maybe you need to
broaden your horizons, you know?

Read a book, travel.

Oh, yeah, I love traveling.

You see new things,

inconvenience thousands
of people.

You know what?
You guys are right.

It's time to travel, to learn,
to experience new things.

I've been letting opportunities
pass me by

ever since I was a kid.

Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.

No, my mom says I shouldn't.

Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.

Okay!

Stella, I need you to go
to Chicago on Thursday.

I can't. This week
is the Deaf Games.

Oh, my God, this has been
a 12-minute round.

Why does every fight
have to go to the death?

Angela, if you got
business traveling

that needs to be done,
I'm your guy.

Griffin, I'm not
gonna look over there

until you first assure
me you've got pants on.

It's not a rule unless
there's a sign on the wall.

I won that court case.
Fine.

So you'd be willing
to take that trip

to Chicago for
the company?

Yeah, you know,
I was just saying

I need to broaden my horizons.

You see, my wife thinks
I'm an idiot.

She's always making me feel
small and insignificant.

Like John Goodman's
heartbeat.

Honey? My inside left boob
stomach did that thing again.

You mean
your heart?

Um, I don't know
about any of that,

but I think
I should eat something.

Well, gentlemen,
thank you for coming.

Mr. Griffin, I believe you
have something for me.

Yes, I do, Mr. Franks.
Terrific.

We were completely
out of these tubes.

Well, thank you all
for coming. Good day.

Nicely done, Mr. Franks.
Thanks, Chief.

Wait, so that's it?
Hey, you nailed it!

But I'm here till
tomorrow night.

What am I
supposed to do?

Get out there
and explore Chicago, Peter.

It's one of the great cities
of the world.

There's museums,
a symphony, a Lyric Opera.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Did you say "chicken
fashion show"?

No.
Oh.

But that-that other stuff,
they all sound like

the kind of things I could
do to expand my horizons.

Wow.

Chicago:
"The San Francisco Treat."

I haven't felt this sense
of limitless adventure

since I went cave jumping.

Here we go!

I told no one
what I was doing today!

Man, I'm, like, the fifth most
attractive woman in Chicago.

Hi. Welcome
to the museum.

Thanks.
Just to be clear,

I should touch
everything, right?

No, please don't
touch anything.

Sorry, it's my first time
at an adult museum.

I'm used to petting
the starfishes.

Well, maybe you'd find
our audio tour helpful.

You have your choice
of narrators:

our senior curator

or Chicago's own
Dennis Farina.

Hmm.

Hey there, chief.
Dennis Farina here.

And welcome to our museum.

Just so you know, I'll be
eating through most of this.

Yeah. This one.

Ah, man,

that's good sausage.

Oops. Excuse me.

Anyways, this is
At the Moulin Rouge

by Toulouse-Lautrec.

Uh, it's from the 1890s.

Now, he was a midge,
but he painted like a normal.

Now, here is a naked chick
made completely out of marble.

I got to wonder...
I'm sure you do, too...

how this thing didn't crack
when they were carving out

her downstairs business.

He did a great job
with the vagina.

Here's a picture
by this guy Salvador Dal?.

This guy, I'm telling you,
was a freakin' whack-a-doodle.

Wow, who knew you could learn
so much at a museum?

And this is only Chicago.

From now on, I'm gonna volunteer
for every business trip,

and see all the great stuff
that's out there.

I've been everywhere, man

I've been
everywhere, man

Crossed
the deserts bare, man

I've breathed
the mountain air, man

Of travel,
I've had my share, man

I've been everywhere

I've been to Reno, Chicago,
Fargo, Minnesota

Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow

Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa

Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa,
Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma

Bangor, Baltimore,
Salvador, Amarillo, Tocopillo

Barranquilla and Padilla,
I'm a killer

I've been everywhere, man

I've been
everywhere, man

Crossed
the deserts bare, man

I've breathed
the mountain air, man

Of travel,
I've had my share, man

I've been everywhere

I've been to Boston,
Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana

Washington, Houston,
Kingston, Texarkana

Monterey, Ferriday,
Santa Fe, Tallapoosa

Glen Rock, Black Rock,
Little Rock, Oskaloosa

Tennessee, Hennessey,
Chicopee, Spirit Lake

Grand Lake, Devils Lake,
Crater Lake, for Pete's sake

I've been everywhere.

MAN We now return
to Janeane Garofalo

and Mark Ruffalo
in Garofaruffalo.

Turn it off, Chris.

I don't even want to know
what that is.

Your father
has returned.

Dad!
Oh, Peter!

How were all your
business trips?

Oh, exemplary, Chris.

I don't understand what
either of those words mean.

One of them
was "Chris."

Peter, you seem...
different.

That's right, Lois;
I live the life of the mind now.

My brain is awash
with theorems and profundity

and abstractions that I can
pontificate upon at length.

Brian's a woof-cat!

Peter, you sound
so refined.

Are you...
intelligent now?

Affirmative.
That means "yes."

Does that please you?
It does, Peter.

Well, it should.

After all, knowledge is
the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Shall we away
for relations?

I'm not sure what you're
saying, but let's hump!

PETER
Affirmative, affirmative,

affirmative...
Oh, my God, affirmative!

Wow, Peter, that was great!

It was. Sorry I "arrived" early.

That's okay.

And sorry about the bedspread.

That was about
a week's worth of arrive.

Mom, Dad, the TV's broken!

Actually, Chris,
I got rid of our television.

This is our new bookshelf,
and I think you'll find

it has more channels than
any TV we've ever owned.

I want to watch
The Walking Dead!

Then I shall read to you from
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

I want to watch
New Girl.

Perhaps you'd like to hear
about Jane Eyre,

who felt quite the new girl
at Rochester's Thornfield Hall.

How about
Game of Thrones?

Instead, I shall read
to you from...

Game of Thrones.

Oh, finally, another reader
in the family.

You know, these are some of
my favorite books and authors.

Oh? What are you
reading right now?

Oh, boy.
Well, I'm...

I'm sort of between
books right now.

Yeah? What was
the last thing you read?

He's got you on
the ropes now.

I-I'm actually rereading
a lot of stuff.

Yeah? Like what?
Just tap out.

Uh... the classics,
you know?

Going back to the,
uh... basics, really.

Words on the printed page.

Thank you,
Steve Guttenberg, right?

What is this, oak?

Oh, I don't even
think it's oak!

Peter, I can't get over the way
you've transformed yourself.

How'd you do it?

Well, Lois, some of it
came from books,

some came from museums,

and, honestly, a lot of it
just came from travel.

Hey, excuse me,
I need to rent a car.

Preferably one where
the radio is stuck on NPR.

Here you go.

Hello.
It's me. I am returning.

How was the car?

Coastal and superior.

I never knew whisper-talking
was so smart.

And how will you be paying
for your rental, sir?

I will pay you with stories
of my abusive father

set to dissonant flute.

I was seven when
he first came home drunk.

A child should sleep
on his bed, not under it.

Hey, what are you
listening to?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm learning Sanskrit.

You know,
an ancient tongue

can be as titillating
as a young one.

Peter, what gives?
Ever since you had

all those business trips,
you've been acting weird.

Pity a man in familiar places
who yet feels like a stranger.

You... you're the dick
who wrote that in the bathroom!

Indeed. Being smart
and cultured is so lonely.

Now I know why Oscar Wilde
turned to alcoholism

and bone inhalation.

Gentlemen, as they
say in Sanskrit,

shubha prabhatam.

You know
what's weird?

Shubha Prabhatam
is my porn name.

What?

Yeah, first pet and
street you grew up on.

You had a pet named Shubha?
Oh, yeah.

Old Shubha was
a tough pooch.

He was feared by everyone up
and down Prabhatam Drive.

You have
a very weird past.

All right, if this is
to be a smart family,

we will have to learn
not to giggle

at smart things that
sound dirty but are not.

Balzac.

Homo erectus.

Spotted dick.

The results have
been disappointing.

I always thought
spotted dick

had something
to do with Morgan Freeman.

MAN
We now return to

Wizard Robot
and His Less Successful Friend.

Aah! We're in a real jar
of jam this time, Wizard Robot.

Gip-gop.

I have put too much suds
in this machine

for washing clothes.

And tonight is the night
I meet with other members

of my form twelve
learning mates

to celebrate the exactly
two groupings of ten years ago.

Gip-gop.

Oh, excellent!

The situation
has abated itself.

Let us leave the room

where no comedic situation
will soon take place.

Wizard Robot and
His Less Successful Friend.

Hi, Lois.
No, I wasn't!

Oh, Brian, thank God
it's just you.

You know how Peter
thinks TV rots the mind.

Oh, as long as you're here, can
you run some vocabulary with me?

I need to know how to use
these words in sentences

by the time
Peter gets home.

Oh, that should be easy.
Just give me the word,

and I'll put it in
a sentence for you.

"Anodyne."

Uh... a friend asked me
what "anodyne" means.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm never gonna learn
any of these words.

I can't take
this anymore, Brian,

and the kids
can't either.

Peter's become
a nightmare.

Wait, I thought this was
what you always wanted...

for Peter not to be
an idiot.

Oh, at least that Peter was fun

and didn't make me
feel so stupid.

I miss the old Peter.

Well, we got
to do something,

'cause this new Peter
just sounds all wrong.

Like a pilot
without a calming voice.

PILOT We've now

reached our cruising altitude!

If you look out the window,
you'll see the Rocky Mountains!

We have to get
out of here!

Wait a minute.

If visiting San Francisco and
New York made Peter smart,

maybe if we send him
to the dumbest city

in the whole country, it'll
bring back the old Peter.

Huh. It's worth a try.

Aloha!

Is Peter home?
He's pulling in now.

I sure hope Tucson helped.

Heads up, guys.
I farted on the doorstep,

but it's hot
on my trail.

Oh, Brian,
that's a good sign.

How was your trip?
Oh, amazing.

I saw a wet T-shirt contest
using chocolate milk.

It was at
the Tucson Philharmonic.

What else did you do?

Eh, mostly just picked
my desert boogers.

Oh, Peter, you're back!
Thank God!

We all owe that trash city
a debt of gratitude.

Did you know Battleship
is still in theaters there?